


No Happily Ever Afters

by lukewarmCappuccino (Rainekitty)



Series: No Happily Ever Afters [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Medieval, Alternia-Focused, Blood and Gore, Brainwashing, Broken Bones, Bulges and Nooks, Davekat♥, Digital Art, Discrimination, Drug-Induced Sex, Dubious Consent, Egg Laying, Epic Battles, Explicit Sexual Content, Family Secrets, Family Shenanigans, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forced Pregnancy, Gen, Gore, Grubs (Homestuck), Grubscars, Johnkat(♥♠♦), Light Bondage, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Male Pregnancy, Meowrails, Minor Character Death, Multi, Nightmare Fuel, Non-Consensual Body Modification, One-Sided Attraction, Oviposition, Past Relationship(s), Propaganda, Rape Culture, Self-Denial, Slavery, Threesome, Torture, Trollstuck, Violence, Xenobiology, broken horns, davejohnkat, fetal/egg death, i keep using food as a plot device for some reason, idk what to tag half these things, public humiliation/rape, really complex plot, teenage sex, will add more as I come up with them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2018-03-16 09:59:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 35
Words: 227,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3484031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainekitty/pseuds/lukewarmCappuccino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat is a breeder troll, a fate to those who were previously seen as freaks and culled. Now, being born with bright red blood makes him destined to give birth to grubs in place of the extinct Mother Grub. He resents and rebels against his fate. He finds an old decrepit castle which he makes his home and eventually turns it into an orphanage. But trolls were never one to take differences lightly and are determined to put Karkat in his place. They won't take change lightly, especially in times of desperation.<br/>Includes panels. The panels that contain gore are censored with a link to the uncensored version. Also a few NSFW panels that are not censored.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Once Upon a Time

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! Just a general note, this fic goes into some VERY dark places, so as the fic goes, I will be adding more. All of them are in the tag. That being said, Sidefics will be added to this epic whenever all the spoilers in them have been revealed...aka when I get tired of writing this. But yeah, it's now part of a Series.  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter one contains mentions of rape(doesn't actually happen), violent depictions of murder, and overall trama.

Part 1: Start

 

When the last Mother Grub died it seemed there was nothing that could be done. Alternia’s people had once ruled many galaxies but now  they  were doomed to die. The last eggs would hatch and leave nothing to the future. Even with the long lifespans of some hemocastes, troll numbers were starting to dwindle. Trolls aren’t known for being peaceful and fighting was a constant. It wasn’t long until their numbers had fallen from the billions to only a few million. The instant cull orders for mutants and those weaker were repelled. Leaders took up the stance that each individual was of value, even as they continued to kill each other behind closed doors. 

It seemed that the troll race was doomed, until the young redbloods who had been spared turned seven sweeps and produced eggs. 70 sweeps later and hardly a portion of their numbers restored, when a redblood comes of age, their natural scent marked them for what they were. It would trigger mating urges in anyone around them. Their heat pheromones were able to attract trolls for dozens of miles and as wrigglers grew scarcer, their genetics unleashed a new excess. Unless they were around enough young trolls, a mutant blood’s nook would soon inflict a constant desire upon them and in turn, constant breeding. Whenever a mutant blood was discovered, they were generally brought to a public place and nothing more was required. It was all instinctual. Trollkind had to survive so the mutant would be swarmed, mounted repeatedly and bred on every bulge that used them

It was survival. It never claimed to be a beautiful thing and most saw nothing wrong with the slave -like treatment of redbloods; they got it easy. After all, carrying a clutch of eggs was the lone thing that was expected of them. They weren't required to work like the rest of the population, so some saw it as a balancing act. The government took care of their every need as long as they were raising the population number. Some were kept as the personal pets of highbloods to produce more refined broods but they weren’t allowed to lay any less of their precious eggs either. Furthermore, with a highblood taking care of them, some actually saw being a breeding troll as a privilege. After all, who wouldn’t want to be taken care of by a highblood in exchange for a few eggs? 

So Karkat Vantas was hatched without any options other than becoming a breeding troll, someone whose main purpose in life was popping out egg after egg until they no longer could. His lusus tried to hide him as a wriggler but as Karkat began to grow into his scent, that stopped being possible. Trolls were already showing up and Karkat wasn’t even in heat yet. He fought them off, panicked, fought some more and panicked some more. He was seven sweeps old the first time a troll—one who he thought was his friend, someone he could trust—pinned him down and ripped his clothes off like they were made of paper. His lusus saved him but scars like that stayed with you.

Karkat began having dreams about bulge after bulge plunging into his nook, mating him like an animal. The dreams left him waking up in terror; feeling broken, stupid and useless without anyone who would ever care for him. The worst ones were the ones where Karkat liked it. Because as he grew older, his body craved bulges trespassing in him, making him fat with countless grubs. But you know what? Fuck Karkat’s piece of shit ‘option’. He knew what his fate would entail the moment he learned how trolls were made and he knew that he didn’t want that. He planned a journey that would span continents and oceans—and change his destiny and no, NOT looking for a place to hide.

Because fuck that too. No, Karkat and his lusus would collect orphans which would cause maternal impulses to override his mating urges. He would keep his head and  never surrender to this bullshit. In the meantime, Karkat grew strong. By the time his first heat came around, he fought off every challenger who came with his scythes until he was blood-soaked, shaking and surrounded by corpses. He hadn’t expected so many and most had underestimated him because he was still only a kid by troll standards. Most other trolls his age were worrying about quadrants and the latest movie, not about repopulating the planet. 

Trolls were stupid when they were thinking about sex and Karkat wasn’t. He was crafty and vicious, after all, if these trolls were going after him with their all, he would return the favor. Particularly if his wrigglers were threatened—another unexpected gift from the mutant gene. Karkat had been developing maternal impulses towards his little ones since he took them in. So he kept them safe, fed them, sheltered them and with his lusus instruction, taught them all the things a guardian would. After he had taken in too many to make travelling feasible, Karkat built his fortress. A massive orphanage where lususless grubs could be brought and cared for, guarded by one of the most powerful trolls on Alternia… Karkat Vantas.

He became a legend, whispered about in hushed voices in the dark, lusted after in the lewdest fantasies and  feared by many . It was an impossible thing—a mutant blood in plain sight, easily located, making no attempt to hide himself. His every heat announced itself with a mass exodus of trolls drawn towards the smell of a redblood in heat which are met with his high stone walls. He was just one troll. He was badly wanted, not only for his breeding capabilities but because the highblood who could control him would end up with strong grubs. In this type of society, it was what everyone wanted. Everyone wanted to prove themselves the best and conquering Karkat was just one way of doing that. Yet, it seemed that no one could defeat him. Karkat had not stopped killing since his eyes filled with the crimson of his cursed blood. Not since he fought off that first heat telling him to spread his legs and surrender. At that time his body began to produce a scent that identified him as the natural mate of any bulge capable of producing slurry which caused them to lust after him uncontrollably. The blood on his hands was the price that he paid for freedom.

Sweeps later, Karkat had entered another heat—he was feverish and uncomfortable, his body putting forth a scent that begged desperately for sex in an orphanage of children too young to smell it. He was used to pushing through it. Typically he channeled his discomfort into a blood rage used to help him cut down the powerful adult challengers who came to fight for his untouched eggs. Ripping through flesh and bone helped keep him level-headed, the lone thing keeping him sane. 

But this time, Karkat was too distracted by silent grief. Red tears smeared down his face. His beloved lusus, ancient and still bonded to Karkat even though he'd already been an adult for many sweeps, had finally succumbed to its age. Right now Karkat was thinking of nothing but his devastation, ignoring the fact that the challengers were here and needed to be taken care of. Though there were alarms throughout the orphanage in the event that the walls were breached but none had gone off yet. He was far too distraught by his emotions and the high level of hormones in his body was being anything but helpful. His body was aching in all the ways he hated— his nook clenching at the air and getting soaking wet for any troll that could somehow subdue him long enough to mate and fertilize his abundant eggs. It repulsed every part of him and made him wish he could manage to do something besides feel like absolute shit. 

 

***

 

Mutant.

It’s what Dave had heard slung about to describe his blood color countless times. He knew what became of most candy reds. Used as public cumbuckets — or worse — used as a personal breeding troll by a highblood. It made the boy sick and cry against his giant crow lusii soft feathers the day he was learned from a schoolfeed what his destiny would entail. He didn’t want to become nothing more than a breeder, a slave to troll instinct. Trolls had a very specific idea of what blood color meant for everyone and bright candy red meant breeding. He chose to ignore it, pretending it was just a misconception he had. He had started wearing shades long before his eye color had filled in and dyed his hair lusus white as other trolls in his area had done. It was popular where he lived and made him feel less like an outsider and more like a normal troll. He just wished he knew that it would hurt, a lot. Bleach and skin did not mix. His horns were pretty normal sized, ending at points 4 inches above his head. He had taken to wearing mostly rust colors, easier to be a lowblood than a breeder.

He lived this way for a few sweeps, until he had forgotten his problems entirely. It would have worked, the color was similar enough. Until one day he was out buying food with his lusus and got distracted by  some noise happening in another aisle. He wasn’t paying attention to where his hands were and had grabbed a melon from the bottom of the pile. Before he could react, the rest rolled on top of him and pinned him under a pile of hard fruit, putting him into a state of shock and mortification. Some passers by helped him get out from under it and those around him muttered about the candy red. He realized what was going on when he felt the wetness meet his lip and licked up the blood coming from his nose. It was a weak attempt at removing the evidence, but it was too late now. He was a six sweep old and it meant in a sweep, he would be ripe for the taking, just like this fruit. Dave Strider was no fruit and he had no intention of getting picked.

Dave shook his head to get the remaining melon off and rushed to his hive, after awkwardly paying for his purchase. He didn’t buy a melon. He knew he had to get out of there but didn’t know where. He packed a few articles of clothing, about a week’s worth of food before climbing onto his lusus’ back and flew away. He had no choice now. He didn’t want to have the word spread of his condition and have trolls lining up at his hive before he hit his first heat. 

He had spent a month traveling atop Crowbro, his grey fingers clutching onto the giant bird’s back as they flew through the air.  A lusus was meant to keep their wiggler safe and that’s what Crowbro did. Lots of people named their lusus much cooler things but Crowbro was awesome. First off, it rhymed and second off…Ok. There was no second off. That was the lone reason. One sweep old Dave was not that great with naming. But that was beside the point. He had heard rumors of a fortress further north of the continent and he had every intention of going there. If the rumors were true, this fortress was guarded by a redblood. Even if his stay there was temporary, he wanted to learn from this troll.

He had no idea of the exact coordinates, but he knew it wasn’t too far from the capital, so at least he had a starting point. He had chosen to stay by the edge of the city buying food with what little money he had but this was no vacation. He had a goal in mind and that was finding the fortress. While a normal troll would have spent time in the capital viewing its extravagant nightly destinations, he instead climbed atop his lusus and spent the night searching. He knew adults who had tried to attack the fort knew the exact location, but he didn’t. He did not have the ability to react to any of the pheromones coming from it yet. He was still only six sweeps old. 

Furthermore, it would seem suspicious for a young child to go around asking the location of a place like that. Dave had to do it on his own. He had maps and crossed out the parts he searched where only trees were to be found. Day by day, cross out by cross out, the areas he searched still failed to outnumber the parts he did not. At times he felt like it was pointless and considered giving up. But Crowbro merely crooned, ruffling his stark white hair and urging him on. It took nearly another month of searching before they flew over a fortress; his bloodpusher nearly stopping. He could see trolls moving within its walls, their chubby faces and short statures indicating they were no more than seven sweeps old. He glanced at the sky, noting the sun starting to peek over the horizon. He had better make his landing quick, he had no more than two hours left. 

Crowbro landed in front of the large gate made from trees and stone. Its thickness indicated how much time and care it took to build the fortress to be considered near impenetrable. Dave took a deep breath, as his lusus turned sideways to the door so he could reach over and knock.

 

***

 

 Karkat could not stop crying. There was not a single aspect of his life that wouldn't have improved if the tears would just go fuck themselves — this was not what Karkat did. He thought he was done with crying back when he was first learning how to deal with an armful of squealing, hungry grubs and the fact that his own stomach was cavernously empty. 

Yet here he was, chest shaking with huge, ugly sobs and a fist to his mouth to stop the sounds. His wrigglers were nosy, little pains in the ass on the best of days. It wouldn’t do to have them panicking. As he bent over Crabdad's corpse, which he had neatly laid out on a bed as he felt the lusus deserved respect, a part of Karkat was thinking that he was going to have to get it out of here before it started to rot. The rest of him wanted to stab that part to death and howl. He couldn't stop, god damn it and his heat amplified his emotions but he was quickly edging into non-functionality. 

The chirp of the alarm from the defense system gave him relief. A new focus to break the cycle and get his head back into the present. When he turned to face the camera monitors his face faltered, turning grim. The main gate? He'd rigged truly sadistic traps all over the thing in the event that it was forced open. Challengers didn't even bother with the main gate anymore; they tended to try to break through the walls. Sure, do-gooders bumbled around with grubs they wanted to drop off, but they knew better than to do so in the middle of Karkat's heat broadcast to high heaven. Even if they could resist the urge themselves, it wasn't exactly safe to trundle on up to where a swarm of trolls in a mating frenzy were massing, trying to tear their way through everything between them and the smell of a readied mate. That was how the stupid people died.

"Who in the fuck?" Karkat croaked, his voice hoarse from how dry it felt, heat taking a lot out of his body. He hurriedly scrubbed the tears away with his sleeve and got to his feet, swaying a bit from the sudden change in elevation. Vertical growth had not been abundantly kind to Karkat but he was big enough now that no one mistook him for another wriggler. His sickles practically threw themselves into his hands and was on the move towards the main gate. 

He passed a few little ones in the hallway, automatically scuffing hair and patting heads without thought as he did. They chirped and purred to him, unphased. The sight of their lusus flushed, dazed and armed wasn't exactly unusual. Outside of the main complex, Karkat climbed one of the ladders up the front wall to survey the intruder with his own eyes. He was fairly sure the fairly dated and static ridden security camera was fucking with him... but no. There  really  was a half-grown kid he'd never seen before on a crow lusus, knocking on the front door like he was making a social call. The noise drew the attention of a half dozen challengers whom began circling his way.

Karkat swore and made his decision. Shortest way down it was. His claws were good and sharp after all. He slithered down the wall, dropping the last few feet in front of the kid and re-equipping the blades. Five minutes until the challengers closed in on them, he estimated. Better make this count. 

"Who the hell are you?" Karkat demanded, like the eternally patient soul he was.

The kid nearly fell off his lusus. Caught himself, then slid down the feathers, not even noticing the challengers just waiting to ambush Karkat when they got the chance. He definitely looked too young to be able to smell pheromones yet. He still had a few sweeps left. The kid stepped forward.

“Name’s Dave. I heard this was a safe haven and…uhm…” the kid stuttered. Karkat’s mutant-red irises stared down at him like spears. He hesitated, looking Karkat up and down with increasing unease then to the sharp sickles held at the ready. His lusus bent down and cooed at him and he patted him on the beak to calm the fretting lusus down. Even at six sweeps, trolls still relied on them for protection.

"...Dave," Karkat repeated, glare deepening for a moment as he searched through his memories. Okay. Should he know that name? ...No. No, he didn't think so. So what was this, a decoy? Open the gates and let the rest of the adults in? Because looking at this kid, his lusus was fussing over him in a way that was making Karkat's guts twist into congenial knots of complete agony. He  had shelter, couldn’t he see it? Karkat was already shaking his head. "Kid, look, whatever you want protection from—"  Although I have no doubt that you need it, because you look like a coat hanger that grew skin and you somehow failed to notice that we're under siege from an aerial approach, Karkat thought. "—There are better ways to—" He paused when Dave rambled on, then lifted his sickles and scowled. 

"These are  not  meant for you," he growled. "If they were meant for you, you'd be deli meat for the forest creatures by now and I would not be continuing to politely ask what the fuck you're doing at my hive." He was, admittedly, itching to go into fight mode. Yes, with a kid. No, he was not proud of it.

But being miserable was shitty beyond belief and the smell of adults approaching had Karkat's insides boiling with something very easy to turn into anger. This 'Dave' kid was beginning to look like he'd be much improved with a smack upside the head.

“Look, I know we just met and you probably want to gut me right now if the sickles pointed near my face say anything. Like, hey, here’s this random wiggler showing up at your front gate all cool like but I’m not in a talking mood so he better make it quick.” Then the kid pulled his shades down and Karkat's breath stopped, teeth snapping together. Everything he had that wasn't devoted to standing upright refocused. Red. Mutant, brilliant red. The specks were just starting to come in, but the area around the iris was clear as day. That wasn't rust, not by a longshot. Oh hell. Oh  hell , there was a mutantblood  wriggler on his hivestep with trolls bigger than both of them bearing down towards them; they wouldn't care for a second that Dave was a kid. Karkat's voice seethed with purpose, calling the anger up.

 “I get it, I’m going to make it brief ok? I need your help. Just…a place to hide ‘till I figure something out.” A noise came from a bush and the kid turned towards it. He saw a bush move and his eyes widened before he looked back at Karkat, “And if I’m guessing right, we should go inside… now.”

"Get your ass up in the air. Over fifteen feet." He'd seen trolls jump that high when motivated. "Under no circumstances do you come down until I call you, do you understand? Have your lusus circle overhead. Do not try to land inside the walls because we're shielded."

“Uhm…understood.”  Dave turned to his lusus to grab hold of the feathers, only just hearing footsteps approaching. He lusus bent his head down under the troll, tossed him up in the air and flew upwards. The six-sweep-old let out a shocked yelp, but the lusus knew what it was doing and Dave landed on its back as the bird rose above the fortress, his sunglasses flying off his face falling to the grass below. He stared with his mouth wide open as they circled overhead, not pausing for a moment.

Dave had a point about getting inside  before they had seen the onslaught of trolls approaching. He did not need to be anywhere out in the open like this right now and both trolls needed to get behind the safety of the vast door and fast. But the gates took their time closing and there was no way in hell the challengers were getting within a foot of Karkat's wrigglers. Karkat could scale the wall, sure, but Dave wouldn't make it. The challenger trolls wouldn't figure out the trick Karkat used to get up and down without getting electrocuted and cooked in their own hides once they watched him pull it off. There was no way in and Karkat had no other choice but to fight.

Karkat had come down here knowing he'd be fighting until the all-clear. He just hadn't begun to guess that he would be putting this kid into what probably qualified as the worst danger of his life. A troll snarled and Karkat spun, moving with rage-fueled speed towards him, sickles hissing. The first swing was blocked but the challenger failed to see the second before it met his neck. His head hit the ground and after a moment his body followed. Suddenly trolls were everywhere, rushing in. Karkat didn't think. His body just moved, he had done this dozens of times before. It was like a dance, a deadly one and he had one goal in mind: take them out.

Dave flew overhead as Karkat fought off troll after troll. At least, that’s what he assumed Dave was doing, lord help the wiggler if some giant lurched up to grab him. He had to trust that the wiggler wasn’t stupid. Some limped off in surrender, others fought tooth and claw to try to get closer to Karkat. Lust boiled in their blood, edging towards the single scarletblooded troll, desire clouding their fighting. Karkat could see the hesitation of the larger trolls as the fight wore on, questioning if taking on Karkat Vantas was such a good idea. It wasn’t, he was taking them down either by the sickle or a well placed kick to the gut. One by one the trolls fell, until the troll near the back finally started to approach, towering over the others, crushing the bones of the bodies lying on the ground. Karkat circled around, making sure that this was the last one. The rest had either backed down after seeing the destruction and mayhem, beaten and running, or lay on the cold grass for the vultures waiting to pick their bones. 

The troll had Karkat in his sight and had the widest grin on his face and Karkat swore his heart jumped up into his throat for a second. But he couldn’t afford being scared, not when he had his orphanage to protect. Not to mention Dave. If anything, he was going to protect this other redblood.

Karkat spared a glance to the kid, big mistake and not the only one. Dave had flown too low and with a single arm stroke, the behemoth of a troll hit them and the lusus was thrown to the side like a ragdoll. The kid froze as a grinning troll advanced. Karkat barely moved towards the kid before he paid the price for his distraction. Pain washed through Karkat to his knees as he found himself slammed into a wall, pinned, claws scrabbling against him while he snarled. The claws broke through his skin and he groaned as he felt his shoulder dislocate. He felt a hand on his wrist, pressing down, forcing his hand open as a sickle was torn away.  Karkat kicked and took out a knee with a crunch  and the troll holding him sank as his knee gave out from the blow . 

Yes, his eyes were watering and it hurt but the challengers grip gave way with a shriek. The challenger had a sickle sticking out of his hand and was momentarily distracted. Karkat  thrashed violently to get himself out in the three seconds that gap gave him, scooping up his lost blade in the same spinning motion that rocketed his fist through another troll’s throat, the other obviously attempting to take advantage of Karkat's moment of weakness. He couldn't look for the kid again — Karkat was just going to have to trust that he was safe because he didn't hear the wriggler screaming.

The sounds of the fight were drawing more opponents; they poured out of the trees and Karkat's heat-soaked smell wasn't helping. His heart hammered in his ribs as he danced between corpses and blades, sickles working their magic. To the trolls that fought him, this was about reproducing, extending their bloodline in however long pleasure would be shared. Karkat wouldn’t lay for anyone, even if he wasn’t ready to die for that yet. But there were just so many of them.

How in the hell had Karkat let it get this bad? Maybe because he'd been too pathetic to pick himself up by the bootstraps and get over the fact that his lusus had died. This was just one of life’s little hurdles and he had to get through it. One way or another, he would continue to keep fighting, keep winning and keep his pride. 

He'd fucking let himself suffocate under the wave of trolls before he’d let them get to his wrigglers. He slashed through skin and bone, his own blood dripping and draining out. This only got them more excited from the red dripping down his arms, howling, shrieking and roaring at him. Some were stronger, some were faster but they were all so goddamn stupid and it didn't matter —  no, it mattered . But Karkat was going to clear them, he wasn't going to get tired and that burning  i n his arms could fuck off, the blood loss was nothing. His nook was getting wetter because he could tell he couldn't keep it up, that someone was going to manage to hold him down this time. No, that just wasn't going to happen at all and he'd tighten his jaw until it was true. He was going to win, he wanted it more. He screamed back into the cacophony; pure anger, muscles snapped tight to cut his way through everything they wanted from him.

The big one at the back was not even approaching, just watching the mayhem unfold. It just trampled on the others when he finally did charge the breeder troll. Karkat could hear their bones giving way under its feet and those squeaks didn't come from corpses. Karkat skittered back, eyes darting, searching for the right strategy. Panting hard, dripping with sweat, one arm dead and tingling cold at his side and he'd lost lots of blood. His knees were getting weak, wanting to spread. He could see straight just fine, it was just that the troll kept... multiplying. His left shoulder gave out a groan of protest and Karkat realized he didn’t have a lot of options left. His only chance was surprise, catch the big hulking giant from behind or something. 

It… just happened so fucking fast. Karkat was blinking the holes out of his vision — his eyes widened at a hand reaching down. A flash of pristine white.  The large troll lifted a club as big as the mutant troll himself, only to be stopped by Dave’s lusus diving downwards to bite his hand, drawing blood. The behemoth of a troll growled and grabbed Dave’s caretaker by the neck, plucking it from the air as easily as an expert vintner would a ripe grape, squeezing it just the same. The  giant didn’t even have to attempt to hold the white crow in his massive grip, as he  held it up close to its face and  with a sound like that of someone biting into a crisp apple,  shook the bird like it was made of rubber. His fingers gouging into the skin and a muffled staccato of fragile, avian bones seeped from the murderous fist. Dave’s hold on the feathers had gone, he had fallen off when the leviathan of a troll had grabbed the lusus. Dave screamed as he watched his feathery father go limp and he fell to the ground.  Dave stared up, his eyes wide and his mouth gaping open as the tall troll grinned at him. The troll didn’t care that this was a kid, that he had nothing to do with his plan to take the mutant as his own. The look of lust grew in the trolls eyes, not one to fuck, no. This was the look of a killer. The kid had gotten in his way and he needed to pay.

Suddenly the bigger troll lurched to a stop, barely having moved towards Dave, an arm outstretched. Comically, the great giant stared at his chest where a sickle protruded, dripping with dark violet blood. His arm fell to his side, before bending and grasping at the blade blindly, blood leaking from his mouth and nose. He fell to his knees and then to the ground with another cough of blood, fell dead. Karkat buried his arms to the elbow in the troll and then again for good measure, cutting the spine a second time. He arched his arm upwards, the sickle hooking onto the bone column slicing it in half as frigid blood spurted everywhere. D ave couldn’t help but freeze, his mouth open in shock as he made a choked gasping nose. Blood and gore covered his person, indigo and the bright red of his lusus on him. He couldn’t help but let out a choked sob as his head turned to look at the body. Karkat didn’t doubt the wiggler was trying to piece together what his young eyes had just seen. He knew Dave’s lusus was dead and he could sympathize. He had been through the same thing just the week prior and the hurt like that took time to sink in.

He leaned down to pick Dave up, the looming figure all but filling Dave’s vision. Dave somehow packed into Karkat's arms, shaking with sobs while Karkat's hands ran over him checking for wounds as the kid pinned his head into Karkat's shirt. Karkat didn’t care that the wiggler was covered in blood, some of it the bright red of the lusus now lying broken and dead on the ground. 

"Don't look," Karkat said with a swallow. He closed his eyes. He understood, so well his heart could break again secondhand. In Dave’s shoes, he'd never forgive anyone who denied him the chance to say goodbye. 

This was too fucking cruel. There wasn’t enough time, either. Karkat didn't give Dave a chance to argue before he scooped him up and sprinted away. The kid wouldn't get to grieve but he'd live and he'd do it as a free troll. It was worth more than whether or not Karkat woke up with a knife at his throat someday. They couldn't stay out here.

Karkat would bury the lusus later, what remained of him, the sun was inhospitable even to those who deserved so much better. He would after he'd rested and set his busted shoulder. He wouldn't leave it to rot with the corpses of their attackers, but Dave couldn't stay out there. Someone had been keeping watch from inside, because the doors were already creaking open so Karkat could carry Dave through to safety. Karkat stood and ran through the gates.

Dave reached out an arm, crying for his lusus, screaming desperately for his guardian. The kid was trying to break free of Karkat’s arms, to run back. It was pointless, Karkat wasn’t going to let go of him, not when there were still trolls out here. The lusus died, trolls died. In the end, everything fucking died. A wiggler who was still so innocent clearly couldn’t handle the truth of this world.

Karkat didn't lie to himself. Dave was growling into his shirt and he couldn't face the remaining challengers. He really had let the situation go to hell too quickly. If he'd shed a couple more tears for Crabdad, if he'd taken the long way out of the orphanage, if he hadn't stopped to talk to the kid… Dave wouldn't have had a chance in hell. But that doesn’t matter, because  nothing is going to happen to Dave anymore . Karkat shouted that thought at god, the universe and anyone else who was listening. No one will touch him, no one will hurt him. He was Karkat's now. Being a redblood damn well mattered because Karkat knew what he was protecting Dave from.

 Dave was screaming for his lusus red stained tears flow down his face like a river, sobbing into the elder trolls shoulder while clutching the edges of his shirt, holding onto it like it was the only thing keeping him steady. He heard nothing except the sobs of the wiggler in his arms despite the creaking sound of the large gate going up just enough for him to jump through, before being shut closed, keeping the few remaining challengers out. He kept Dave in one arm, the sickle in another. It was difficult, the blade felt familiar in his grip. A thrashing teenage redblood? Not so much.

 He couldn’t keep Dave in his arms much longer; the wiggler pulling free the moment the doors slammed shut behind them, running to the thick door and banging it. The blade in his hand clattered to the floor and Karkat rushed behind him, pulling him away. There was nothing for him behind that gate and even as Dave tried to pull away, Karkat wouldn’t let him. Though he did not pull away the arms hugging Dave tight the kid continued thrashing to get free, clawing at his arm and drawing blood, acting like a feral animal. He supposed that was how some trolls reacted to grief.  He should have stayed up in the air. He should have — "I'm sorry," Karkat breathed. "Wriggler... Dave... I'm so sorry."

Dave’s arms slacked as his fight to break free was futile. He stood there barely breathing, before he turned a bit to the side, stretched to hug the other troll with sobs racking his body. Those pleading cries just about ripped Karkat's heart out but he picked Dave up to start running again. He was so sorry. He kept the armful of a wriggler held close to him, feeling like a coward for needing to be saved by his own lusus and for needing to run without even letting a sobbing child tell his lusus goodbye and for not just springing to his heels and getting a second wind and taking vengeance. But he was exhausted, more wrung out from the days of vigil beside Crabdad than he'd thought — and Karkat had only won fights by not being stupid.

 

***

 

Dave’s lusus was gone and he was devastated. He thought they were invincible but not so much so; a childish sentiment. It hurt Karkat to admit but he would have to help Dave through this. Most wigglers come here without knowing the love of a lusus but Dave was different. Dave was muttering something, the words too garbled to understand in his arms but Karkat couldn’t do anything about it. He could never accept his own lusus was gone, he couldn’t accept someone else’s was gone too.  He had no idea how to help a wiggler through the same devastating emotion.

He rubbed a scarlet tear off Dave's face. Dave pulled away, looking back and forth muttering something about his sunglasses. Hadn’t they fallen off? He figured the wiggler wished he could find his sunglasses, cover his face and pretend he wasn’t an emotional wreck. Dave looked up at him and rested his head against his chest, trying to calm his breathing, his body, everything. Karkat could tell by the occasional stop of shakes, followed by a shudder and a weak sob. 

“I- I couldn’t do anything and now he’s gone… Crowbro is gone.”

“I wouldn’t have wished the death of a lusus on anyone,” Karkat was rubbing circles into his back, his instincts humming  wriggler into Karkat's veins, making him chirr soft reassurances to those sobs and holding Dave tight once they were inside. Dave clung back, tears as red as the color his eyes would become. He was looking at Karkat, like being bigger should solve it somehow... but not with blame. Instead, with a big gaping hole inside of him and a request to have it fixed, to have it not hurt so badly anymore. Maybe? Karkat might have been projecting. Secondhand hurt would have had him gulping down sobs of his own, except other wrigglers were gathering and he needed to be strong for them. 

So Karkat churred deeper, cradling Dave's head to his heartbeat, arms rubbing between his shoulders as the little one shook and began to cough out sounds of pain with words in them. "I know," Karkat murmured back to him. "...he's gone now. He can't come help you anymore," Karkat didn't know which of them he was talking to. As Dave's eyes closed, Karkat settled closer, wiping away the tears still slipping out. "But he'd be proud," Karkat offered hoarsely. "He got you safe in the end. The wriggler he loved—he got you safe and that's what's going to matter with him when he goes to rest. You breathing and safe.”

“He…” Dave couldn’t even say anything, his mind was just trying, to process the information of what had just happened.  His life had been simple before this week. Don’t bleed, keep yourself hidden and stay safe. All unraveled by gravity and a fruit.  At least that was what he was going to keep telling himself anyway. In reality he knew he would have run at some point anyway. He didn’t want to end up like everyone else who shared the same crimson hue as he did. His home was gone and now his lusus was gone as well. He was alone and he didn’t know how to react at all, except grieve.This troll, the one holding him uttering soft words and pats, the only one as warm as him, was all he could rely on right now.

Karkat could feel Dave tensing up, trying to choke back the sobs. He tried to be strong about it—like he even could. Karkat squeezed him just that much tighter, gathering him close. Feeling as though if he had let go, Dave would just shatter to pieces.

He was trying to control his sobs but it was hard. He was just a wriggler, a child. He shouldn’t have to deal with such hurt. Not yet, he thought he had sweeps before something like this would happen. He knew what candyreds went through and what was to be expected of him. He didn’t want any of that. He just wanted to be free, to be happy. But with his lusus gone, he didn’t think he could. 

"Shh," Karkat murmured, "you don't have to say it. He knows. He knows." He spread his fingers over the tremors knotting together at Dave's spine, rubbing circles into it, telling him it was alright. Dave was so damn warm. Warm with his color and so much smaller than any mutantblood Karkat had seen in his life. It tugged at every protective instinct he had. Safe. Over and over Karkat's thoughts ran into that word. He had the chance to keep this wriggler safe, really safe, before the world's sickness took turns breaking him.

Dave held onto Karkat’s shirt, the fabric balled into his fists as he tried his hardest to keep from breaking into tears again. Karkat watched each time the white haired wiggler wiped them away every time they threatened to pour down his face. He heard voices around them and looked back, noticing other trolls around his age. Some slightly older, some younger, some who probably just pupated from grubs.

Dave clung and shook and clenched his fists up and Karkat kept up his soft chirrs, not bothering to tell Dave he was safe because he thought Dave might have connected the dots already. Seeing as he was in the fortress clutching at a troll he barely knew and had Karkat wrapped around him like the last matriorb, he figured it was pretty obvious. The other little ones were spilling into the yard behind the main walls. Like the challengers outside, they were drawn to the screams of battle. Unlike the adults, their eyes were huge and full of worry, questioning murmurs and chirps taking the place of the heated roaring in Karkat's ears. He didn't usually come back bleeding this much. Fuck. He was scaring them, filling their childish eyes with worry. 

All of them looking at Dave and the Karkat like they were some kind of shining beacon. It was…a bit surreal really. He really didn’t know what to say, so he looked back at Karkat, noticing a cut and the bright red blood. Karkat didn’t notice the cut until Dave reached up and touched his face, pulling back with bright red staining his hand. When did that happen? Still, he wasn’t the only redblood in this fortress anymore and he felt a bit of comradery form. 

"Karkat?" One of the older wrigglers, Nepeta, was reaching for him, mouth pulled into a pained line of concern. "Did... the bad guys didn't win, did they?" Karkat snorted and lifted his head to nuzzle her hand reassuringly, arms busy holding the grief-stricken mutant. 

"Not a chance," as he looked back down at Dave and saw the wonder in his eyes as he got Karkat's blood on his fingers. "...Things just got a little complicated, is all." A lot complicated he thought to himself. "This is Dave," Karkat said, mostly to appease the really little ones, who kept squeaking territorially at the unfamiliar troll clinging to their injured lusus. "Your new brother.". He met Dave's gaze with his own, offering a little softer, "Well, that's if you want to be."

Karkat held Dave's gaze, feeling like the wiggler was searching his eyes for something. Not a lot to see there, though. Bloodshot, exhausted and the same livid red he could look forward to seeing in the mirror every morning. Karkat didn't quite know what he planned on doing if Dave decided trust wasn't his best option here— maybe lock him in the cellar? He didn't have it in him to let Dave walk but he waited patiently for an answer, still all tangled up with him. They had only just met but he felt like family, like a parent. It was odd, yet reassuring. He wasn’t sure if that was his own fucked up blood talking or genuine feelings but it helped none the less. He nodded, wiping off the last few of his tears. 

“Yes, of course. Please…” Dave murmured. A few of the younger wigglers approached him, looking at the new addition to their family. He was overrun with questions and it was hard to keep up. But he tried, despite how overwhelmed and tired he felt.

 "Then welcome," Karkat told him. "Its home for as long as you need, I'm happy to have you." "I guess we should..." Karkat’s voice trails off as he thought, I better get you a room, or better yet see if you can keep any food down because you should be bigger. But Karkat had forgotten the little ones. The endlessly excitable little ones. Before he could finish his thoughts he and Dave were unceremoniously mobbed by hyperactive wrigglers, babbling questions and names and their own welcomes to the new guy. Half of them were trying to hug Dave at once, refusing to be batted off while the rest of them pretended to be too cool and were still trying to ask every question all at once.

 “Why is your hair white?”

“How old are you?”

“Where did you come from?”

“Did you bring any toys?”

“Hair bleach, it turns your hair white, it’ll grow back to black…I’m six, down south and sorry, I don’t have any toys.” Dave felt Karkat’s grip tighten around him when he mentioned his age and they shared knowing glances. Karkat was trying to make an example and ease his grip off of the poor kid but he couldn't help grabbing Dave tight again when he heard his age. 

SIX FUCKING —well, that explained why he was so small. Karkat had thought *at least* seven, maybe a late bloomer at eight still not able to recognize heat pheromones. Jesus. Six sweeps and life had taught him to hide his eyes and come running for help in the fucking nick of time because Karkat knew what happened to these kinds of kids.

It was a miracle Dave had made it out this far. Most of them—even the ones who thought they were hidden—were surrounded and tracked at all times by adults who guarded them and headed off every escape attempt until the troll was of age. Not even an adult but old enough to breed. They couldn’t wait for the redbloods to even grow up before sentencing them to a lifetime of sex. Their lone crime being born with blood the color of the sun. The pan-washing was something Karkat only had a vague understanding of—Crabdad had kept him cordoned off from all school-feeding in his effort to hide Karkat. Crowbro had done something similar. Smart lusus, best lusus, both of them dead. 

Karkat's throat closed and he gripped Dave tighter. He had a sweep left before he would be considered an adult, even if he was just a kid. Nine was when a troll was considered an adult, capable of taking care of themselves. So to treat a mutantblood like an adult 2 sweeps beforehand, as a breeder, a toy, was cruel. This world was cruel. He wondered for a moment; if Dave had stayed back there, in a sweep he would have been reduced to spreading his legs for any troll that wanted to have their way with him. This other adult took his curse and embraced it, sharing his feelings of not wanting to become a slave to the system. He had someone who understood and he held onto the other troll like his life deepened on it.

"Alright, alright," he huffed over the racket of all his adorable, obnoxious wrigglers. "Ease up, you dorks! He's had a long day." To Dave, Karkat said gently, "We can go over the tough stuff later. For now, I'm thinking you haven't had any rest for a couple of nights now, right" Even if not, he wasn't sure the kid could handle all this enthusiasm right off the bat, when his reason for being here would hurt so bad. Not to mention, Dave was still shaking a bit, he was sure the kid would pass out any second. Karkat waited for Dave to reply before suggesting further, "There's a hot meal if you're up for it and a quiet place to sleep if you're not."

Oh sweet Jesus, thank you was all Karkat could see on Dave's face once he'd been extracted from the onslaught. Karkat offered him a bit of a wry smile. A look of relief washed over Dave’s face, as he was led away by the older troll. "They don't mean any harm," Karkat promised, inevitably feeling the need to speak up on their behalf. "I swear to fuck, they're probably the only trolls you'll ever meet who don't give the slightest damn about what your blood looks like. I mean, half of them are still mostly feral and even if I had manners, which I don’t, I wouldn't be able to beat any into them. They're horrible." Which meant  I love them to death and wouldn't trade them for a life with a different shade of blood . That truth was one that went to Karkat's bones. He'd do anything for his kids. "...Not going to lie, though," Karkat said after a moment. "Defend your hair." Karkat ruffled the pale strands gently. "They'll be trying to steal it in a week, I'm betting. They won't have seen anything like it before." 

He watched Dave sigh, looking down and rubbing his stomach. He thought Karkat would suggest finding something to eat but apparently realized that food wasn’t that great of an idea, especially after what he just witnessed,. 

“I am a bit tired.” Except replace a bit with  I haven’t slept in 2 days and I have no idea how I haven’t passed out yet. It was probably the adrenaline keeping him awake, the rush of trying to get away and somewhere safe had kept the wiggler on his toes. Dave looked skyward and smiled weakly, Karkat deciding to follow the wiggler’s gaze. The first rays of sun starting to shine over the thick brick walls. They should get inside, the sun was no friend to any troll. Giant and red...the corpses outside stood no chance of being there the following night and that included...Dave’s lusus. He wouldn’t even get to bury him. He felt a knot in his chest at this realization. A burial would have helped but there was no chance now and not like he could go outside to retrieve the body anyway. Dave was obviously exhausted so Karkat was giving him credit for managing to phrase it as indifferently as possible while looking like he'd been the victim of a diverse assortment of stampedes. 

He kept a hand on Dave, patting his shoulder and steadying the younger troll as he started to sway trying to keep him from falling asleep. It was proving to be a lot more difficult than anticipated. He felt his knees buckle underneath him, as he leaned his head on Karkat and promptly passed the fuck out. Karkat was waiting for the inevitable—and yep, right there. Dave would have fallen to the ground but Karkat steadied the small boy, picking up the exhausted child and carried him somewhere to rest. Only a few rooms weren’t crowded by wigglers, reserved for those who got sick or new children who were shy and needed time to get accustomed to life here. But in his case, resting on his own would be best.

Karkat honestly thought about taking Dave to his own room—he was worried the kid would wake up in an unfamiliar, strange-smelling place with no lusus and commence to freaking the fuck out. If the room was full of Karkat's scent, that would at least be a smell he might recognize. But, uh. Karkat's room was trashed, his pile probably had things rotting in it at this point and Karkat had not brought Dave here just to kill him of exposure. So he took him to one of the rooms for sick kids—it was quietest here and they kept all the sharp stuff locked up. He laid Dave on a nice, soft pile of cushions and tucked him in for what would hopefully be a good night's rest.

 "Sleep well," Karkat murmured to him. While he was there, Karkat grabbed a needle, some thread and a few bandages. Might as well stop bleeding all over the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See _posts_ about nhea/image here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	2. Over the Gate Wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight gore in this chapter, nothing that graphic. Mentions of alcohol.

Karkat shut the door quietly after him and found a nice patch of wall to lean against for a moment, rubbing his arm, trying to ease the pain. Each time he defended the fortress he always came back battered and bruised. More a testament of his fighting style than anything but it worked well enough. Taking hits up close so he could strike closer to his opponent's vital organs seemed worth the risk. He sat down a moment placing the sewing kit in his lap and shut his eyes, trying to let the pain disperse. It didn’t work.

He picked up the sewing kit again, grimacing at his arm and wiping some of the blood away with the cuff of his sleeve. It was just as bad as he imagined, as he forced himself up with a grunt, heading towards the kitchen. Hopefully he’d have nothing to worry about once it was sewn up but an infection would be problematic. He stood up and looked back at the room Dave slept in one last time before heading to the mess hall’s kitchen. Rum would suffice. The wrigglers couldn’t reach the top shelf, so he didn’t have too many misgivings about storing it up here. Hell, most of them probably didn’t know what alcohol was. Karkat felt pretty secure in his ability not to develop any drinking problems.

His arm was numb--cold and dead at his side. Definitely dislocated but nothing he hadn’t dealt with before. He put his sewing kit into his lap as he pressed his back against the wall. Karkat set his teeth and put his good hand on his injured elbow, wrenching down as hard as he could. His eyes watered but to hell if he was going to make noise about it. He kept doing it until he heard a crack and let go, stretching both his arms over his head and leaning forward until he heard it pop into place. He rubbed the sore shoulder, rotating it a bit to work through the pain. He would put it in a sling later, at least for a day or two.

He didn’t have the medical supplies to waste anyway. Karkat chewed his lip as he trickled it down his flesh, the sting kept peripheral and distant as he focused on keeping the bottle steady. He loved getting to worry about this shit when his heat was nowhere near done and his shoulder wasn’t going to be good for serious weight. The walls would hold, if it came to that. It had been three sweeps, and they had yet to be breached.   
The rum made for a more pleasant sting than the one to his pride. Hiding back with the wrigglers he protected turned Karkat’s stomach a little. He was making some decent progress in putting his arm into a sling when footsteps approached. Karkat glanced up, catching a flash of seadweller violet. The boy had big glasses magnifying those eyes, perched atop his nose and was, for once, not deterred by Karkat’s presence.

Eridan had arrived at the orphanage at an early age, his lusus being murdered when he was 4 sweeps old. He could have lived on his own, had his gills worked properly. But no, whenever he went for a swim, his gills freaked out after mere minutes and he would end up coughing violently. In the past it was a cullable condition. These days, Eridan couldn’t be parted with his inhaler for all the world. There wasn’t much that was worth extra expense when Karkat had to keep the walls strong and his kids fed and clothed but the inhaler simply had been. He’d traded with some of the local trolls a sword for it. He could always make more weapons.

Karkat gave him a cautious nod, not expecting much to come of this. Eridan had been moody lately and Karkat was giving him space to be a teenager. That was a thing, right? There might have been other reasons Karkat was backing off but they weren't ones he was admitting to himself, so a nod it was and he went back to sewing his cuts shut, snapping the thread with his teeth. Eridan’s violet eyes fell on Karkat and his lips parted a bit. Karkat tried to focus back on closing the wound on his arm.

"Want me to help with that?"

Karkat glanced up at the wiggler as he stopped short, humming a questioning note before he finished cutting the thread. Mouth free, Karkat greeted, "Nah I’m good, Eridan. Maybe hand me that bottle in a bit? Need to wash off the blood."

Not kiddo anymore (much to Karkat’s displeasure) but if Eridan wanted to be addressed like an adult, so be it. He smiled a little bit, encouraging the kid to stick around if he wanted to. Eridan held the bottle out so Karkat could wet his sleeve. Hell, Karkat could use the extra set of hands. If Eridan felt like coming out of his shell tonight, Karkat definitely had the time for him. So Karkat asked, just hoping to have a nice chat with one of the kids he’d known the longest.

"What are you up to this evening?" He motioned Eridan away so he could scrub the blood off. "...you just wandering around, thinking about stuff?"

Eridan answered with a strained whine. Karkat kept his smile in place; soft and behind it, the slightest bit wary. There wasn't a wriggler here who didn't mean the world to him but logically speaking, trolls grew up. Illogically, Karkat didn't want to lose his family. It wasn't just Eridan, nor was this the first time Eridan had given Karkat a reason to suspect that he was playing with fire. The little grub he’d fished out of a puddle wasn’t so little anymore--he was 8 sweeps and his eyes had already filled in. One more sweep and he would hit his adult pupation.

Wrigglers became adults and adults were all compelled by Karkat's heat in the same ways. But until Karkat was forced to deal with the problem, he was ignoring it. Because he knew that when his little ones--no matter how precious, no matter how tight he held on--got old enough he was going to have to choose between fighting them like the challengers outside or sending them away for good and it had been a long; shitty night. Behind Karkat's warm smile were his eyes, pleading. He knew it was coming, just... Please, fuck, not tonight.

Eridan chuckled nervously. Karkat had no doubt in his mind that Eridan had heard what happened to the older wigglers, how they got kicked out, sometimes after the sorts of nasty fights that meant one side wasn’t trying hard enough. “You’re smilin’ a lot for someone all beat up.”

"Yeah, well, thanks for the help," Karkat told Eridan gently. "How you doing, Eridan? Still watching out for the little kids?"

Fighting instinct was hard and if the purple heated blush he was any indication, Eridan was struggling. "Yeah, they almost got mud on my clothes. You know I don’t like that.” He laughed nervously again. Karkat chuckled back with Eridan, gradually relaxing back against the wall. Nothing in the laugh was a threat. Karkat's nook might still be wet and hungry for an opportunity to mate but the fight had burned a good bit of Karkat's energy out. His scent was low right now and going from a battlefield full of adults to an environment of children and safety had confused his heat enough that the fever and aching were dulled too. His body's signals could be resisted and Eridan was still too young to suffer its full effect. Because once more, Karkat was not above just pretending his family could stay his.

Eridan glanced upwards momentarily thinking, swallowing and Karkat firmly refused to pay attention. "Well, of course," Karkat said, testing his newly bandaged arm; Ouch. Satisfied that the stitches weren’t going to pop, he got started on another nasty cut. Speaking of kicking ass, "Anyway, has training been going well? I know you're up to date on your schoolfeeds and all, so I won't go there but I have to have something to nag you about."

"Training’s been going well, can actually shoot the damn marks now..." Karkat should have been availing himself of this opportunity to merely talk. Seriously, the wriggler had been withdrawn for a hell of a long time. He coaxed Eridan to sit next to him and tried to get him to ramble like he was still five sweeps old and trying to educate his lusus on the finer points of how magic was real and how it worked. He would have messed up his nicely coiffed hair with a fuckton of ruffling, listened to him complain, caught up on how he was doing. But there was still that edge of wariness, so Karkat just kept it to smiles and told himself once the heat was over he'd pick on Eridan until he saw that smile again, definitely. He laughed, he used to be a really terrible shot but he had gotten better the past sweep.

",..would help if the targets weren't moving, but that would be kind of pointless don’t you think? But still, I hit the target three out of five times nw!" There was a tone of nervousness in Eridan’s voice, like he wasn’t sure if he should ask. It had been a rough past few months, Karkat had seen Eridans fins flare up when he passed by the past few months. His last two heats he had noticed the wiggler reacting and god he really hoped he was just imagining it. He wanted to keep Eridan here, keep being family. It hurt to see the shifty glances Eridan shot him, as if Eridan himself had wanted to partake in the the fights and ride the redblooded troll until his shame globes were empty. The wriggler was no doubt able to smell Karkat’s heat wafting through the air. He wasn't used to resisting pheromones, a fault of his youth.

“Nice going," he praised. "I'll have to come by and see!" Karkat would be teaching Dave too, eventually. Fighting was one of the few skills Karkat had to pass on to his wrigglers--and a valuable one, because he wanted them all to be living free. Dave needed some time to recover but Karkat got the feeling he'd like a blade in his hand just fine. But oh right, the nagging. Karkat managed to keep a straight face as he observed in lament, "Eridan, we never talk anymore. Your lusus is getting lonely."

Eridan opened his mouth to talk but shut his mouth, looking away. He didn't want to think about it. Karkat saw the expression on Eridan's face change and set down his needle for now, voice growing with concern. He hugged the other one, holding the teenager who started to sob, clawing at his arm, wariness be damned. It didn't matter that he was in heat. Karkat had his arms full of crying kid\ and as far as he was concerned, biology could go fuck itself. He didn't croon; Eridan was too big for that, just shushed him and kept him close.

He knew that Eridan didn't want to go but he wasn’t a wriggler anymore. He was practically an adult now and Karkat didn’t know how much longer Eridan would still be able to hold his sanity around him; they both knew this. Eridan looked like he was going to speak but stopped short, looking at Karkat like he could possibly finish his thought. It took Karkat speaking up to get him out of this near horror stricken phase.

"Shhh, it's okay," Karkat murmured to him. "No matter what it is, I'm not going to be mad and I'm not going anywhere. You just take your time, figure out what you've got that needs saying. I'm right here for you, Eridan." Eridan was a sobbing and shaking mess and held onto the other like his life depended on it. He couldn’t help but take deep breaths and his eyes widened in horror, pushing himself out of the embrace.

"I...I've wanted to…to…” He could barely finish the sentence, before he clutched onto Karkat’s shirt and buried his face in it. Followed shortly by a disgusted sound. Karkat's chest went tight when the younger troll shoved him away. 'No', Karkat thought again, hopeless and selfish but this was not something he could change. It was not something he would ignore from a troll with tears dripping all over his face. “I'm feeling and smelling things...things I wish I could ignore and I don't know what to do and I feel like my skull is caving in on itself because I'm barely able to keep myself sane at this point because every fiber of my being feels like it's being tortured and...I don't know!"

He was a wreck and his voice sounded pained. So Karkat just listened calmly, nodding encouragement as Eridan spat it all out. He let the words sink in without flinching. The past two heats, Eridan had felt those and merely dealt with it, pretending it wasn’t a problem--Karkat should have known about this. But he hadn't wanted to guess, even if the signs were obvious and staring him right in the face. He was betting that Eridan had done everything in the world to keep him from finding out. "Thank you for telling me," Karkat told him when he was done and then more gently, "Eridan?" He held his gaze and told him clearly.

 

***

 

"It's alright. You haven't done anything wrong." It hurt, it was hard but Karkat managed to give his wriggler a warm smile because he knew exactly how it felt to be scared and betrayed by your own hide. It felt like everything about it was no one's fault but yours.

"It's alright," he told the kid again. "Just means you’re growing up. You're getting big and strong and you're going to be amazing, you know?" He wanted to hug his wriggler so bad and he couldn't. Fuck everything about this. "I'm not going to lie to you," Karkat told him calmly. "I know what you're smelling and the thing is, Eridan... The older you get, the worse it'll feel. The trolls who come here--a lot of them are fucking scumbags, right? But some of them aren't. Some of them can't help it. And I don't want that for you ever, Eridan. I want you to always have a choice and your freedom--and the longer you try to stay with me, the harder that will be for you." He waited, let that settle. And then came the harder part. "I know that it sounds terrifying, because this place is all you know," Karkat told him.

"But believe me, Eridan, you're getting too big to just stay home. You should be out going on adventures, meeting your quadrants, seeing the world. It's so much bigger than you're thinking and I promise you, once you're out of here, you won't ever think you want to get locked up behind these walls again. You won't remember how you even imagined you wanted to stay! I'm going to miss you like hell. I won't make you leave," Karkat told him even as the lie left his lips. Just because he didn’t want to didn’t mean he wouldn’t. "Not until you're sure that you're ready. And even then, you should wait and try traveling with some of our suppliers first while you're getting the hang of things." Karkat grinned, placing his good hand into the one in the sling because he couldn't hold his kid. "No matter what, Eridan, I'm going to love you even when I'm bones in the ground. ...But I hate seeing you hurt, kiddo and I'm sorry. ‘Cause there's no way it'll stop hurting until you're away from me."

Tears were flowing down his face, hiccups escaping his lips. It was getting hard to breathe. His lungs felt like they were trying to escape his ribs and no amount of gasping and flaring of his gills to try to get more air in was helping. He was taking in as much air as he could, only to feel like it wasn’t helping, his world was spinning. His eyes watered as he scrambled to reach into his pocket and get the little plastic inhaler. He fumbled, trying to keep it in his hands, the lack of air making him dizzy as it fell to the ground. He reached down to grab it but Karkat got it quicker, affected by the lack of air to his think-pan. He took it from Karkat, exhaling as much as he could, inhaling, exhaling again as he put it to his lips and pushed down on the container holding the medicine as it filled his lungs and mouth. He coughed a few times before Karkat handed him a glass of water which he gulped down in seconds.

He let out a sigh of relief, looking at Karkat. “Thanks.” Karkat shrugged, returning to sewing his arm. Eridan was actually a bit glad he had an asthma attack. It distracted him from the smell and let him think a bit clearer. Karkat wanted him to leave or at least insinuated that he would have to soon. He was scared but who wouldn’t be leaving home? He wanted nothing more than to stay, to stay where he knew was home but if what Karkat said was the truth, he couldn't. He would eventually be driven mad by smell and do something terrible. He had imagined himself pinning the older troll down and fucking him. He didn't want that, he respected Karkat too much. He respected himself too much. Plus, if he found another redblood once he was past these walls, he wasn't sure if he’d be able to restrain himself. He hoped he would. He nodded, hugging his arms.

"No...I mean, I don't want to have to go but...It's for the best you know? I don't want to hurt you or the wrigglers here...Maybe I'll come back one day and visit, you know...when I'm old enough to control these feelings and these urges. Just...give me few days to say goodbye and pack my stuff...just..." Eridan wiped away some tears, "I don't want to leave but...I...I should." He was shaking, emotions overrunning any desire he had of mating with Karkat.

Watching Eridan cry and not being able to do anything about it felt like it was tearing Karkat's heart out and dumping it at his feet. Karkat had become accustomed to it though, because wrigglers grew up--and hell, Eridan was a sweetheart. But it shattered his heart into pieces each time one of them left. Eight sweeps was probably longer than Karkat would get with most of his little ones. Eridan had been his for so long... and Karkat had got to watch him grow from young wiggler to an adult, protect him and look after him. Karkat was lucky. So, so lucky that he'd gotten to meet Eridan, give him a home. So he bit back the protest--so soon? Shouldn't you stay a little longer?--and nodded like he was supposed to, respecting his wriggler's decision. He wondered if there was an 'old enough' for Eridan to visit home. Praying hard as hell that the question wasn't ever answered for him with a sickle sticking out of Eridan’s spine outside the walls.

"Take all the time you need," Karkat told him softly and then snorted. "Matter of fact--I'm pretty sure your ass is getting a farewell party, so you at least have to suck it up until then. I'll get you some traveling gear too, I'll.. I'll miss you, kiddo...I'll be hoping you get the adventure of a lifetime." Karkat hadn’t expected the wiggler to lose control, too upset to do many tears and snot running down his face, until he wrapped his arms around the other and kissed him. Karkat had his arms open before Eridan even moved, not flinching from the kiss because he knew Eridan couldn't help it and if this was the last hug he gave his wriggler, it was not going to be one where he recoiled. Instead, as Eridan started to pull back, Karkat caught him around the fins and pressed a kiss to his forehead, soft as when he'd used to lull Eridan to sleep.

"I love you, Eridan," he promised as Eridan ran from him with Karkat was sinking back down the wall. He punched the wall with his good hand in frustration, teeth gritted, eyes filling up with angry tears, staring upwards at nothing. He got it back under control and started bandaging his hand. Fucking up your knuckles on the tiling was just plain stupid.

He finished taking care of his wounds, walking back towards the sick room Dave was sleeping in. A crowd had formed outside the room, waiting for the newest addition to their family to wake up. They weren't being subtle about being quiet either and Karkat frowned. He tried to corral the kids away but to no avail as he heard the doorknob jingle and a sleepy looking Dave emerge from the dark room.He looked at Karkat who had neglected to wipe away his tears and frowned, going up to the adult and wiping some away. At least the ankle-biters weren't getting in his way. “You look tired, you sure you’re not the one that’s sick?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thank you for all the views and stuff on the previous chapter, it means a lot to me and keeps me writing. I'm not all that confident when it comes to that sort of thing? But yes, this chapter would have been out sooner but my beta got sick. Because of this, I have plotted out chapter 3 and begun writing it. However, it will be very long and will take me at least a few weeks to complete since the next chapter is a HUGE world-building one. The entire fic is planned out up till chapter 21, however certain plot points are literally -Dave does X and X and X and Karkat does X and then ________ reacts by X. That and I keep crying as I write it because of how much soul crushing anguish there is..this fic is such a sadstuck. Mostly for me.  
> See _posts_ about nhea/image here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	3. Bows and Swords

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains violence.

Heat was always hard on Karkat, leaving his skin hot but this was nothing compared to the emotional stress he felt the next few days. He still had his lusus’ rotting corpse to deal with, it wouldn’t stay much longer. They had nothing to keep the body cool and preserved and even if Karkat was in denial about it, the smell was causing complaints from the wrigglers. He merely nodded in agreement as he wiped more sweat from his brow and went about his business. This pretty much involved him keeping track of Dave who was up and about now, even if the young one was still mostly separating himself from the others. He didn’t blame him. Trolls weren't the most social creatures, least of all a redblood who, like him, had escaped his fate.

Karkat remained inside, the last days of his heat making him tired and weary. The trolls outside? Barely a threat. The bones of fallen enemies had yet to be disposed of and deterred most of the trolls who came. For those it didn’t, well, some of the older wrigglers had been trained in archery. Fighting was something expected in their culture; the strong lived and the weak died. Even if drones no longer served their purpose of gleaning weaklings from the populace, trolls still killed their brethren. He didn’t condone starting fights but trolls within the cities were more often than not instigators of violence.

He dragged the fallen corpse of his lusus outside of the room, building a funeral pyre inside the gate walls. He couldn’t just leave it around to rot and disease would spread if he didn’t deal with it soon. A few of the the wrigglers joining him as he stacked the wood, getting splinters under their skin. They cried and Karkat had no choice but to put down the task he was working on and deal with the children's tears. By the time they finished, the wrigglers were exhausted and Karkat was hot and sweaty, which did nothing for his heat, which was starting to ache again. He had to fight it off though, going back inside to fetch his lususes ancient corpse.

He deserved a funeral after what he did for Karkat. Kept him safe while he was growing up and helped him keep his sanity during his first few heats when he was just tempted to surrender. Like any adult, he was grateful for the childhood his lusus provided, even if it was less than perfect. He laid the body out on the flat wood, crossing the giant white crabs arms over his chest, trying to give him a dignified pose. The body was still in pristine condition, the crab exoskeleton a testament to that. But he knew it was rotten inside. The parts of flesh near the joints and facial structure had already shrunken and were starting to sink it. No doubt the cause of the smell, which he did his best to ignore.

He felt a lump in his throat form and his eyes watered. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the smell or because all his emotions were starting to leak out in the form of bright red tears. It was probably a combination of both. His hormones hadn’t dissipated quite yet and he was still in a vulnerable state. He wiped his tears, facing away from the body. Even if it resembled his lusus, it wasn’t. It was just a corpse now. Still, he didn’t want to cry in front of him. Not now and he supposed, not ever again.

Dave was outside, getting used to the layout of the stronghold now. Of course he had a few wrigglers escorting him, no need to have a lost redblood. Karkat didn’t want to be sent into a panic turning the castle upside down. Karkat waved towards Dave, saying his name. The wriggler looked up and waved back, coming towards him. He lowered his arm and turned back towards the pyre.   
“I’m sorry we couldn’t have Crowbro here.”  
He saw Dave stiffen up, frozen for a moment before relaxing and turning his head. “Not much we could do. He was out there and the sun took him. Not exactly a formal funeral but...I guess in a way everyone who dies and burns from the sun has one. Informal, no big celebration for death. Who would celebrate something like that? Perhaps the royals would, everything is extravagantly overdone with them. Hell, they would go and say the fire wasn’t big enough for how grand they were and feed some fire chips or something for their ego. Which is kind of stupid considering it’s a fucking dead troll.”

Karkat listened to Dave. He was rambling, barely making sense. The shorter troll was sniffling, wiping away red tears and mucus from his face. The child was still only 6 sweeps, barely old enough to take care of himself. He would have ended up being taken care of by wherever he used to live in the South. But no, he wasn’t down in the south, he was here and free to do what he wanted. Karkat put his hand on top of Dave's head between his horns and the child hiccuped before looking up. “It’ll be alright, you’ll see.”

He took a torch one of the wrigglers was holding and tossed it into the pyre, taking a few steps back as it started to smoke. They watched from a distance as the fire spread from head to toe of the lusus, engulfing him, leaving nothing behind but blackened bones and charcoal. Karkat waited until the next morning to dispose of the mess, not uttering a word. He glanced to the side when he heard footsteps, Dave. The child was helping him, not able to mourn his own lusus, so probably using Crabdad as a replacement. Normally, mourning a dead lusus was something a troll did alone but in this case, he would allow it.

“I’m fine.” The two words that passed through Dave’s lips pulled Karkat out of his stupor and he gave a weak smile. Karkat really hoped he was right, because right now, everything was not fine. He had another redblood in his fort now and who knew how that would go? Not to mention all the other things going on within the confines of the thick stone walls.

They had a few of the pupating wrigglers crawl out of their cocoons just as his heat broke, causing chaos within the orphanage. Cocoons didn’t need food, so they were fine with the dwindling food supply while Karkat was in heat. Most of their trades and such had been for fortifying their defences. Not that they didn’t need it now, they needed to keep the defense high at all times. But that didn’t make the food problem any better. They had enough rations for the time being, another week or so tops.

Karkat didn’t like having to make the wrigglers eat less but it was survival. He would rather the kids be a bit hungry then downright have them starving a week from now. So it was time for them to go and gather food and hunt. It was primitive, something only ferals did. But weren't they nearly that? To keep his freedom he had to cut off parts of society and that meant stores. Sure some of the older wrigglers went to shops to trade for supplies but he wasn’t risking going there himself. And even if Dave was old enough to go, a redblood going to market without an escort was just asking for trouble. Especially when he got older. No, he would keep Dave safe inside the walls. And that meant being cut off from the rest of the world. At least until the wriggler could fend for himself. He had come this far, so surely the white haired youth could handle himself to a point. Karkat decided to find out later but for now, a deer hunt would be in order.

Some of the older wrigglers had been trained in archery as well as hunting and tracking. Luckily, they didn’t have to contend with older trolls attacking them out in the open. So he sent some of the better hunters into the forest, handing them a map with areas he knew had plenty of game in it circled. They were also running low on medicine, it was almost that time of year when wrigglers got sick and last thing he needed was the flu running rampant through the orphanage.

So he did what any lusus did and restored order to the orphanage. Everyone had something they were good at; be it picking fruit from trees or telling poisonous herbs and mushrooms apart from the edible ones. Some were tasked with the unpleasant task of picking up any stray weapons left by the burnt remains of the corpses and adding them to their armory. He wasn’t stupid however, making everyone go out at the same time would be a foolish thing to do. There was always a defence team keeping the orphanage safe and he never sent everyone out at the same time. There was a schedule and for everything to work, he made sure to follow it. Mostly at the discretion of Kanaya, she was good at such tasks. Besides, she didn’t leave the fortress much, her skill resided in stitching and mending clothes. Unruly and lacking in manners his wrigglers might be but they were civilized enough to wear clothes.

He sent Dave to help her for the time being; keeping the wriggler busy sounded like a sound plan, distraction always was. Karkat himself went over to the walls of the castle and started picking out weapons from the small burnt remains of the battlefield. He watched as some of the wrigglers pulled arrows out of some of the corpses, as well as dug through the remains for weapons and other things. They always ended up with money. Karkat had always wondered what to do with it, until some of his wrigglers got old enough to where they could cross the forest without getting lost and buy things from the capital. Medicine, tools, the works. Sure, Karkat wasn’t the proudest about having to rely on the capital but some things they simply couldn’t get by doing on their own.

Karkat had done this plenty of times before, he trusted his older wrigglers to take care of themselves. Besides, it was practical to have them go out in teams. Be it either gathering food, hunting or going into the outer portions of the nearby cities for trade. The first few times he had to send his children out was nerve wrecking. He was worried that they might bring other adults but by now but now he was relaxed about the entire ordeal. His wrigglers wouldn’t betray him, besides it was good practice for when they left the fortress.

Karkat glanced at Eridan as he readied a leather covering for the cart they would take to the market, filled to the brim with furs and weaponry, they had too much of that. Being stocked up with something was always good but they had an excess. Besides, they had to procure things like medicine and such. He entrusted Eridan to buy a bottle of rum, the wriggler was old enough to purchase it, yet was not old enough to acquire a taste for the vile liquid. After all, Karkat had used the rest of the bottle, making sure his wounds from the previous week didn’t get infected. The wrigglers wouldn’t be able to handle themselves without Karkat in top shape; it would be anarchy.

Karkat’s eyes followed the three teams of hunters who were to be sent out soon. He glanced at the seven wrigglers and smiled softly. One of them noticed; a young girl with short black hair and a blue hat, Nepeta. She waved at him and he gave a small wave back. He had no doubt that she and the other hunters would bring back at least 3 deer by the time the sun was due to rise.

 

***

 

They had split into three teams. It would have been easier if there had been eight of them but two teams of two and one team of three would work for now. Nepeta was with Equius after all and that’s how she preferred it. They were morials after all and it was calming to be around him.

“Well, I say it went into the bush.” The young troll glared at the other, her black bangs falling in her eyes. She swiped at them, growling a bit before turning away from the other. She was barely 5; a child, even if she thought she was old enough to take care of herself. Nepeta used the bow in her hand to point to the black leafed bush.

She heard a scoff from Equius who used his own bow to lift the foliage near the bottom of the bush, exposing the black roots. There was nothing there. No hide nor tail of the rabbit they had been following. The boy with straight hair tied back behind his head just shrugged, his grey eyes drifting to the bush regardless of his thoughts on the rabbit’s location.   
“Well, there’s nothing under there so we should go back and try and find another rabbit. Or maybe something that was our original goal and easier to hunt, say a deer.”

“How is a deer easier than rabbit? I know it was the original goal but most of them have migrated away. It’s the windy season, not much to hunt.” Nepeta sat up and looked down at Equius, who was still crouching under the bush, looking for any clue as to where their prey went. Resting the bow in her lap she reached to her side, resting her hand on the pouch. She thought a moment before pulling the pouch onto her lap and unclasping the top. She pulled out the delicate yellowed map; age apparent on its rounded edges and creased lines, marking off the place they were before lowering it onto her lap. “Right, either way, we need to keep going. We need to bring something back to the fort before sunrise.”

Equius gave a half-smirk, looking over his shoulder. It was still dark but the sky was turning purple and the pink moon was starting to go below the horizon. “Yeah, I know. I believe we still have a few hours until then?”

Nepeta nodded eagerly, putting the map away as quickly as she could before following after the larger troll. Equius was so much taller than her and his horns stuck up over the tall bushes making him easy to follow. It helped keep her grey eyes on him and kept her from getting lost. Just because she had a map and a compass, didn’t mean the forest wasn’t large and dangerous.

She followed after him silently, her eyes darting to the ground once in awhile, looking for animal tracks. No such luck, just hers and Equius’ bootprints. It was then she heard a branch snap in half and turned her head in the direction of the disturbance. Voices approached and both wrigglers turned to each other then lept into the bushes, scraping their elbows and knees. If it meant hiding from the mysterious trolls, a few cuts was nothing. Equius turned his head towards the source of the sound. Nepeta quietly turned towards him before peeking between the thick leaves. They ducked down into the bushes, their bodies pressed against the dirt as they tried to stay hidden. There was a parting in the bushes that they could peek out from, so if it was just another team, they could announce their presence. If it was an enemy, well, they would remain unseen.

She had taken out her three-bladed dagger, holding it in her hand as her eyes followed the moving shapes. As the voices became louder, it became clear what they were looking at. Drones. Their shadows moved between the trees and were tall and lanky, metal plating covering their bodies and clanking as they walked. About 10 or so of them, traveling east. East was in the direction of the capital, no other source of civilization was there. Despite the mother grub being a creature no one had seen in over a hundred sweeps, drones didn’t die off until much later. They needed the mother grub to feed, to live.

Trolls, however, had developed the fear of drones through millennia of being subject to their whims. So soldiers, those whose very jobs were to cause fear, dressed in either true drone skin armor or metal plating that was fashioned to imitate a drone. Bringing up the instinctual fear all trolls had worked and it made Nepeta freeze up as she saw them walking past.

These drone soldiers, while they no longer killed weaker trolls, still had a purpose. The collection of eggs and the capture of redbloods and forcing those who hadn’t wanted to partake in civil society back. She stiffened when she heard a muffled scream, turning her eyes towards the troll surrounded on all sides by the black metaled monsters.The troll had obviously tried to get away, a testament to the bright red bruise forming around his eye and the nose that was sitting at the wrong angle. Lots of redbloods tried to run. Not all of them made it to freedom. This one clearly had not. How she wished she could help, rush in there and save the guy. But what were two children against ten drones? Nothing, they would die in seconds. She tried to quietly move back in the brush and distance herself from the drones.

She heard a branch snap next to her and turned towards Equius. His elbow had crushed a branch. She looked back at the drones and her eyes widened as a few of the heads turned in their general direction. Equius growled under his breath and looked at Nepeta, before pushing her further in the bushes, using his body as a shield. He probably knew that they had been spotted and was trying to protect her. She wanted to protest but she was already tangled in the foliage of the nearby bush, unable to return to Equius’s side. She watched as one of the trolls with long wavy horns and wild hair approached the bush and parted the leaves. Equius growled as they met face to face and his grip tightened against the bow. Nepeta backed up against the center of the bush, her coat picking up leaves and branches. She wanted to come out bursting, fight with Equius but her body refused to budge and she was stuck watching in horror as her morail raised his bow and shot an arrow at the troll in front of him. She stiffened when the troll dodged it, the arrow barely grazing his exposed face. He had dodged a sharpened arrow point blank that was aimed at his face like it was nothing. Nepeta felt like she had been holding her breath, her chest aching as she gulped down some air.

“Not bad for a little motherfucker.” The giant troll reached forward, grabbing Equius by the hair and lifting him upwards. “Little motherfucking blueblood shooting me…” The troll was clutching Equius and the small kid was struggling to break free to no avail. Each move only caused the adult to dig his claws in further into Equius’ skin and cause streaks of blue blood to cascade down his face. Equius fought, gripping the others hands as he tried to dig into the others skin with his yellowed claws, gasping as pain no doubt rushed through his body. The adult smirked, before he used Equius as a projectile, tossing the small troll towards Nepeta. She heard a crack as she heard Equius scream, reaching for his head before the shock knocked him out. She sat there on the dirt starring. The toss had knocked all the leaves off the bush, leaving them entangled in the roots and branches.

Nepeta groaned in pain as Equius lay atop of her unconscious, he was heavy. The toss had made the two collide and she was certain at least one of her ribs was broken. She tried to shake him awake as all ten adults began to approach. They were exposed, blue blood poured onto her lap and covered her delicate hands. Olive tears pricked her eyes, praying Equius wasn’t dead. He couldn’t be. Equius left horn had been broken off and was lying off in the distance. While not fatal under normal circumstances, a horn break was as painful as losing an arm. She didn’t know what to do, so merely clutched his shirt as she watched the adults approach.   
“Well shit. I didn’t expect his horn to up and break.” The troll that had tossed her morail chuckled like this was some kind of joke. It wasn’t, not in the least bit. Nepeta glared at the other clutching Equius close to her, pulling his head closer to her lap. The adult leaned over them and she felt so weak. She wanted to bite and punch him but she couldn’t. She was too small to do so and she wanted to protect her unconscious morail. One of the other drones came up to the wild haired one and slapped them over the head. He stumbled forward a bit, rubbing the back of his head and grinned sheepishly at the woman. She looked tall and elegant and her black wavy hair was braided back, no doubt to keep it manageable when in a suit of armor.

“Makara. I know you’re an indigo-blood and all but fucking god. Don’t kill them. They’re kids and we should take them to the capital. Especially now that you’ve broken one of their horns...come here little ones, it’s alright.”

She motioned for the children to come closer and Nepeta just clung tighter. Eventually however, they were hauled to their feet and forced to go with the drones. Nepeta kept glancing back in the direction of the fortress as one foot made its way in front of the other. She wanted to find a way back.   
  


***

It was half an hour until sunrise, Nepeta and Equius hadn’t returned yet. Karkat was growing worried and kept glancing at the gate. He had done a headcount, only to find those two missing. As a worried lusus, his instincts were shouting loudly at him to go out and search. However, he couldn’t risk that, not with an orphanage full of children. He couldn’t leave them on their own, especially the ones too young to know to stay out of trouble. Dave couldn’t take his place, even if the thought crossed his mind for a second. Not only did he not know the fighting capabilities of the youngster but a six sweep old could not take care of a fortress on his own.

He was fighting with himself to go out there and look. In the end however he didn’t. He had to trust that Nepeta and Equius were safe, probably having found shelter or something. With a disgruntled sigh, he ordered the gate to be closed as the trolls relocated what they had procured that day somewhere where the sun would not reach before going to their respective quarters. Karkat glanced at Dave and nodded, he would have to give the redblooded wriggler his own room, lest he grow up too quickly and have a heat around a bunch of teenagers who were starting to show signs of reacting to redbloods. He would think of something.

The following day he realized the two wrigglers weren't coming back. He growled lowly, pink staining his vision. He wasn’t crying, he was too strong for that. He wiped away the tears stinging his eyes rapidly, hoping no one saw. He had to be strong, wrigglers went missing all the time. Be it predators or the natural enemy: the red giant that was their sun, children died. He was just too emotionally invested that’s all.

Karkat had a hard time at the going away party. He got his ass into gear for it; a cake is what they fucking needed and Karkat was determined to help, even if it was just to violently whisk things while the kids who could actually make food (that wasn't meat on a stick) took care of the actual baking. Karkat managed to round up some decent presents too and ended up coaxing the really little grubs into helping him decorate. He turned it into a game. Everyone pitched in that way and they had the dour halls of the orphanage looking halfway festive by the time someone fished Eridan out of his room. Dave wandered around the castle in awe as it became lively, no doubt wondering what was going on. Karkat had no choice but to explain. The white haired troll merely nodded and meandered off and Karkat couldn’t really stop him. He wanted Dave to feel at home, not a prisoner. Is that what Karkat was reducing Dave to? No, of course not, that was a stupid notion. He was merely protecting him, that’s all. Like Karkat, Dave wouldn't be able to function if he didn't have enough young trolls around him. Like Karkat, if Dave was safe and sane, it was because he'd be locked up here or in a fortress like this one.

The only thing he could possibly see remaining the same was Dave. After all, the other redblood had come to him for sanctuary. Karkat just hoped he could give it to him. Karkat fucking wished it wasn't true, that Dave could have better, that Karkat had learned some magical pixie potion kind of deal to change things for him. He didn't. He had the same formula he'd worked out for himself when he'd been the same age as the wriggler, poring over backwards scientific journals on why mutantblood’s newly laid eggs had to be taken from them.

Karkat had no idea how he made it through the party, nor the next day the seadweller left, bags and weapons in hand. Eridan looked pained, glancing back at the castle multiple times as he became smaller and smaller on the horizon as he walked towards the forest. Karkat stood stoically until he couldn’t see the other anymore and looked down, letting out a frustrated groan and balled his hands into fists. He wanted to punch something but, no. That was juvenile and he had to control it. Karkat wasn’t great at bottling up his emotions and was shaking and crying by the time the younger trolls had gone back inside. He knew someday all the wrigglers here would be gone, moving on, replaced by younger ones.

He didn't understand why the tears kept trying to escape his eyelids. Actually no, he understood them perfectly. Eridan was practically an adult and that meant he had to go. He expected it, he had no choice. Though, with the weight of the two young wrigglers missing, it felt like a bigger weight than he expected had been dropped on him. He didn't understand how he could get so weak. 48 hours ago he would have scoffed that he didn't cry at all but there was nothing quite like your lusus dying in your arms to break down every bit of resolve he had. Nothing like knowing that Nepeta and Equius probably didn’t make it and they were probably curled up dead somewhere in the forest. He blamed it on the hormones driving his emotions higher. Blamed it on the fact that Eridan had been his since he was pocket-sized, with those ridiculously goofy, oversized fins dwarfing him. Blamed it on himself for having a mutantblood kid sleeping in the next room with a dead lusus in his heart and some ungodly waiting list of bullshit lined up for him once he came of age.

Karkat had gambled on whether or not it mattered if those wrigglers were related to him or not. He guessed right, he kept his mind. Dave would too, he made it here and now he would be so privileged. But back when he was six sweeps old, Karkat had been dreaming of building himself a private army, not thinking that he *really* would fall in love with each and every grub he cared for. Not thinking that it would hurt like poison when they left. Karkat could love them to death, hold them close, listen to them laugh and teach them everything he knew. He would watch them cry and walk away, while he did the same but didn't get to do anything about it.

Karkat had gone to his room after the party, he needed some time alone to think. It was getting close to sunrise and he was sure the wigglers were going to sleep around now. He heard the door creak open and he looked up.

Dave was pushing the door open, though Karkat didn't know why he was up--because seriously, Karkat hadn't been making noise--but he was here now. Well shit. "Hey, Dave," Karkat managed, scrubbing his eyes dry because the last thing he needed to be in front of a kid was to be weak. Luckily, it was just the last few tears he had shed watching Eridan leave. Really, Karkat was fine and he completely lost the ability to lie to himself when Dave had hugged him. Fuck, he really hadn’t been subtle about hiding his emotions was he?

Suddenly Karkat was squashing Dave to him, hugging him with the determination of a slighted limpet. "Sorry I woke you up," Karkat grunted at him between shuddering sobs. Dave didn't ask, Karkat didn't say anything further and they were going to get along famously, right? They were both broken, a little. It'd be good company.

"How are you settling in?" He asked, keeping his voice low, not wanting to wake any wrigglers who had already gone to bed. "I'm sorry I haven't been there for you as much as I should have. Is there anything you need so far? Besides a real room of your own--I swear I really am working on that, we're just having to switch some of the room assignments around."

“Well, you were right about the hair. Woke up three times already with scissors hovering over my face.” Dave gave a soft chuckle before he turned to the other troll, smiling; Karkat could tell it was fake. Both trolls knew what would happen within the next sweep. That Dave would grow up and start smelling like a breeder, something he denied over and over in his head but it was the truth. The other blood castes had it easy, they weren't the fertile ones. They weren't the ones expected to carry the offspring of a dying race. He couldn't imagine himself in the situation he had seen a few others of his class degraded too. Pinned up in the town square, their behinds exposed to the world as they got mounted time and time again. Or their bellies swollen with eggs. It made him want to vomit. He was sure Dave felt the same, or was he projecting again? He had to stop trying to put his thoughts into the wrigglers head.

"I should be fine, really. And it's no problem, really. You had other things to deal with. It's completely understandable that you didn't have time to baby me. I don't need to be babied, I'm half-grown. Hell, I'm just sweep away from...well, that thing. That thing I don't want to name since it sucks a lot."

 Karkat's expression grew a shade more genuine, smile dry as he reached over to do what he did best--fuck up the wrigglers' hair. "It's not babying you," Karkat snorted at him once half of the bleached strands were sticking straight up. It was kind of funny and he grinned as Dave struggled to get free of Karkat’s arms. It was kind of cute, like an older brother teasing his baby sibling. Karkat let him go eventually and smirked as the wriggler tried to put his hair back in order.

Each moment of childhood was fleeting for Dave, redbloods grew up too fast and Karkat knew that whenever Dave had his first heat, he'd be a mess.The clock was ticking and every second meant one second closer to...he didn't want to think about it. He shouldn't have to think about it. Here, he was safe. He was safe. He was safe. He had to keep that thought repeating in his mind, a reassuring mantra. He smiled at the other.

"Well, I guess we can go find me a room, the sick kid room isn't really the best place for a troll to sleep constantly. I suppose I should get my own? So it’s not weird when I’m..." Dave paused, no doubt thinking how to word it. “When I’m older.”

"It's helping you settle in. The orphanage isn't just a set of walls--it's supposed to be home. I want you to like it here, dumbass, so shut it and take my fussing like a grown-up."

Karkat led Dave through the hallways, towards one of the black stone keeps towering up. Behind the walls, the orphanage was split into three sections, each with only one visible entrance and a variety of secret doors and outright traps in the event that the main wall was breached, which happened once. It wasn’t just random trolls either, that had been an army of drones. They fought them off and kept their home. He was proud of that and had kept the head of the dead general on a stick and hung the other soldier’s heads up as well. They had pillars of troll skulls at this point strewn around the fortress at this point, collecting the white bones of dead trolls to decorate the outside. It deterred a lot of trolls from even trying but not all of them. Which is why Karkat kept having to fight, to win. To prove that just because he was getting older, it didn't mean he was getting weaker.

Karkat kept Dave away from viewing the outside of the castle for now, keeping him inside. The first two sections formed a ring around the heart of the orphanage, where the sleeping quarters were. Karkat walked past it briskly, calling it uninteresting and not worth the look, towards a more open space: The courtyard.

"Yeah," Karkat muttered, nodding as Dave mentioned the heat waiting for him. "And we should probably talk about that thing you don't want to talk about some but not until you're ready. Basically," he shrugged at the wriggler, "I'm here when you want to and until then it's your business."

Just make it my business before your heat actually hits. He was pretty sure that most of what Dave knew about his body and his instincts was brainwashing bullshit. Karkat happened to have a more objective view on the subject. Karkat was, to say the least, nervous about Dave. Mostly because he didn't want to fuck this up and partially because he wasn't too clear on how mutantbloods pheromones affected each other. If he was lucky, they wouldn't have an effect on each other at all, beyond how any troll's heat worked--encouragement, not imperative. He hoped he wouldn’t end up like many of the trolls who did continue to attack the fortress: Drunk off the scent.

Because if Dave came of age and started losing himself to how Karkat smelled, Karkat sure as hell couldn't just send him outside. Worse, if Dave went into heat and Karkat couldn't control himself. There was a huge fucking difference in Karkat's wrigglers, smaller and softer and not fully attuned to their hormones yet, trying to touch him and in Karkat hunting Dave. He was a full-grown adult with the strength to back it up. There would be no way Dave could fight him off right now, if he even had the will to try and refuse because that would be a problem too. Karkat remembered his first heat and remembered how devastatingly bad he'd wanted his enemies to slam him into the dirt and fuck him senseless, how that urgency pulled the strength out of you. He remembered how weak his knees felt and how badly he just wanted to give in and spread his legs. But he got through it and by his third heat, Karkat had already been capable of calling blood rage--a true rage could make the heat bearable--and he was pretty fucking sure that if Dave was capable of that right now, he'd have lost it when his lusus died. He would have lost control and tried to claw whoever he could reach half to death. Troll claws were sharp after all and if they wanted, they could pierce flesh as easily as a knife could. However Dave hadn't, it felt more like he had drawn in on himself and was trying to pretend everything was fine. Heat would hit him damned hard.

So Karkat was planning for the various contingencies. To that point and purpose, he already had Dave's room picked out--the reason it was taking a while was because it had already been occupied. However, it was the best place for him, so he'd been relocating annoyed wrigglers. Dave's room would be set apart from the other quarters, nearest to Karkat's in case Karkat needed to defend him. Karkat had done the best he could to insulate the walls so Dave's pheromones wouldn't leak out so badly like he'd done for his own room. Karkat would also be fitting it out with the same security he'd used to make sure nobody fucked with him while he was asleep

Dave was still getting used to the place and Karkat had to often help the young redblood through the maze that was the fortress. Dave would get used to it soon. Like all of the wrigglers, Karkat had installed a bolt and lock system from inside the door. Most wigglers rooms he had a key too, incase they locked themselves out. Dave did not make a copy of his key. The only one who could get in and out of Dave’s room was Dave, in case something went wrong.

Unlike the others, Karkat was thinking that the minute he started smelling something like heat from Dave, he was going to stick the kid in his room, stock it with food and water and then lock him in until the normal week or so of heat had passed, no exceptions. Dave wouldn't be able to let himself out either. Karkat would just have to trust Dave to take care of himself during it, in case his own thinkpan turned into mush.

"Sorry," Karkat grunted as they walked. He really had let his thoughts wander hadn't he? "I think it'll take two more days to get everybody moved around-" and at least get the basic locks in place "-so you're stuck in the sick kid room until then. I know, I know, it sucks. But think of it this way, half of the little guys are scared of it, so they're not bugging you all night long." Karkat let his voice drop a little lower.

"I was actually thinking about getting you settled in a little differently. All the kids here get regular schoolfeeds and you've probably heard them whining about it." They'd reached Karkat's destination by now. A wide open courtyard, packed with sand, big enough for races--or for a hell of a lot of wrigglers to spar at once. "They also get some training you might find a little more... interesting." Karkat raised an eyebrow, looking to see how Dave liked it. "Think you can show me what you've got?"

Dave looked at Karkat confused a moment, before he looked around. Dave looked back at Karkat and the two faced each other. Karkat motioned towards the weapon rack, it held wooden weapons obviously meant for practice. The real ones were stocked in the armory where they belonged. Dave seemed interested enough in going around with Karkat. The older troll hummed approvingly, waving him towards the weapons rack to pick a favorite. He doubted the kid had any experience with a pointy object in his hand and he expected to spend the next sweep teaching the young troll how to defend himself.   
“Pick a weapon. I thought it might be interesting to spar.” Karkat went with what he always did for when he was just gouging a wrigglers natural ability, instead of trying to teach a certain weapon technique or drive at a weakness he'd seen in a wriggler's training. A simple staff, heavy enough to take a lot of hits because Karkat wasn't planning to handle Dave offensively. He wanted to see what the kid could do, not kick him around the field.

"Yeah, I guess I can." Karkat watched Dave pick up a sword, striking downwards with it a few times as if testing the weight and adjusted his stance for it. Karkat wasn't exactly surprised. So it would be long range attacks and a lot of nervous swinging trying to keep Karkat out of Dave's space. Lots of kids picked the sword when they didn't have fighting experience and almost none of them stuck with it because it seemed simple to use; mastering it was a completely different matter.

Karkat didn't say anything however, he just clacked his weapon to Dave's once in greeting and prepared to make the kid a little more humble. The two faced each other, their fake weapons out, not really wanting to draw blood. They had about the same weight as the real versions, making it easier to trade up to a metal blade when a wriggler was ready. Karkat put both his hands on the staff and took a defensive stance, one leg back and ready to brace against any swing Dave might throw at him. He kept the staff pointed at Dave for now, ready to change the angle at a moment’s notice if he needed. Dave put both his hands on the hilt of the sword and Karkat glanced at them a moment. Dave knew how to hold a sword properly at least. They stood still for a moment, taking in the other, before Dave raised the sword and took a swinging step towards Karkat. The young troll was aiming for his head and Karkat arched his arms up, blocking it with his staff and forcing the other to swing his arms to the side. One of Dave’s hands let go of the sword and the youngster growled in frustration. That didn’t catch him off guard too much though, it seemed like he knew how to grab hold of the sword again and took another swing at Karkat.   
Karkat figured the swing would be just as weak but no. It seemed that was a test swing, as he wasn’t able to block the next one as it hit him in the shoulder. Dave was standing there, holding the sword, a proud smile on his face. Karkat rolled his shoulder, before looking at the other.

“Not bad. But can you keep up?” Karkat’s swings were fast but Dave’s were faster. Karkat's eyes were huge within the first five minutes and then his mouth was splitting into a grin because Dave moved like LIGHTNING. He gave and took space like he couldn't care less how close Karkat pushed to him, only cared about the strategy, about whipping away in the nick of time.

Karkat was brilliant at blocking and taking a swing in retaliation but Dave was even better at dodging. Karkat was speeding up to match him and each time he thought he'd found the limit on Dave's talent, the kid would kick it up again without hesitation. Dave knew exactly what he was doing and he was quick, something he had no doubt learned from his lusus. How to move faster than someone could keep track of him. Karkat was having a hard time keeping up and the bruise to his knee and shoulder were a testament to that.

It seemed like Dave had a strategy as well. Each sword swing he tried to keep low, keep his arms level. Clearly he had fought against someone using a staff before. Karkat was trying to get the young trolls arms over his head, leaving his belly exposed. The easiest method of fighting with a staff, force a blind spot, then strike when your enemy was down. Dave was doing a pretty good job of fighting against this and at some point Karkat gave up trying to force the wrigglers defence to drop and went into the offensive. He hit Dave's chin and shin which, while it made the wriggler wince, didn’t make him falter.

Dave didn't need teaching, just needed practice, someone to make sure his endurance was up for it and to make sure he tested himself on a diverse set of opponents. This style was almost the dead opposite of what Karkat favored. Dave practically flew over the field, darting in to whip attacks through confused defense right when Karkat thought he had an opening to strike. Karkat was a lot less elegant when he fought--he chose to take hits and power through them, all bull-rushing offense and intimidation to make the enemy stumble back, to think they couldn't keep up and panic. Karkat couldn't do much of that with his staff because it was made for defensive fighting but he found himself just trying to give Dave a challenge.

Karkat used experience to catch and throw the majority of Dave's attacks aside, occasionally smacking at an elbow or a shoulder that looked like it'd been left open and almost inevitably being tagged again by Dave's speed when he realized it wasn't. Dave’s body moved like the air was his medium, dodging the slow thrusts of the staff like his life depended on it. When it looked like Karkat finally had him off guard, he twisted his body in the opposite direction and dodged. But this method of fighting looked downright exhausting. Dave was panting near the end with sweat dripping down his body, if not collected on his shirt. Dave’s elbow was bleeding and a bright red bloodstain covered his knee. Karkat had hit him multiple times and by the end of the fight. The only flaw Karkat could see was that Dave's dancing tired him out. It tired Karkat out too, sure but Karkat was a pretty firm believer in endurance. He was going to make sure Dave had it in him to fight like that for hours before Karkat was through teaching.

Karkat’s chin stung and he brought a hand up to it to try and ease it. He pulled away from it, feeling sticky wetness. He was bleeding from where he had been smacked with the sword and his left shoulder had a pretty big bright red bruise forming. But despite the difference in age, it wasn't all that bad. "Heh..." He was out of breath afterwards, keeping himself steady by using the staff as a type of support.

"Not bad...ow..." His shoulder hurt pretty bad and they both were teetering on the edge of exhaustion. Karkat heard a noise from behind a pillar and looked there. Looks like they had an audience. He waved towards the younger wrigglers before looking back at Dave. Put an edged weapon in Dave's hand and he'd be cutting down half of what came his way. More, once he got bigger, once he got used to fighting longer.

His chin hurt like fuck, he was grinning his head off and apparently there was one more redblood in the world who'd rather fight than lie. Dave also looked like he was about to topple. Oops. Karkat must not have pulled a couple of those hits as nicely as he should have; Dave was favoring his knee, crouched down and pulling up the pant leg to get a better look. "You deserve a round of applause," Karkat informed him before helping Dave towards one of the benches to sit and catch his breath while Karkat put the weapons up. He snorted, seeing a host of wrigglers gathered and gaping at them. How many had been watching their fight? He had no idea.

"And now you have fans," Karkat informed Dave, gesturing as he wiped the blood off of his chin. "Think I'm going to be one of them." He beamed at the kid. "Glad you made it here, Dave."

Me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Sorry for taking so long to update this chapter, real life things happened which prevented me from doing so for a few weeks. 
> 
> But in other news, I have been doodling things for this fic recently, and they can be found here: http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic...some of them show up in earlier chapters, some for future...the art style is inconstant as fuck. Sorry if me attempting to make the image at the end work this morning sent 5000 notifications to your emails, I am very bad at html. 
> 
> Please note, they are kind of spoilery about some characters that will show up later in the fic...as well as some other things. Also...chapter 4 is going to crush everyones soul.
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	4. The Chest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Kanaya and gang discover a mysterious chest in Karkats room, well. Who's to stop a group of curious wrigglers from learning what's inside?

By the time Dave was settled in, it had been a few weeks. Those weeks had been filled with him wandering the halls of the intimidating fortress with no bearing as to where he was. The walls felt like they had him surrounded and although he knew the castle was a safe haven for him, he couldn’t help but feel small compared to the looming walls. He had learnt most of the other wriggler’s names, as well as made a few friends. In particular, Kanaya was pretty awesome. He had grown rather fond the female troll that felt almost motherly. The kindness within her was somewhat intimidating for someone her age but it was a welcome oddity compared to the others who behaved like they had found the fountain of sugar drink. She got along well with the smaller wrigglers, toying with their hair as they listened silently to her made up tales of far off places.

 

That aside, she also helped trim his hair when it got long, tickling his pointed ears. He couldn’t help but frown as he held a few strands up. The roots had gone black and it made him feel uncomfortable. Crowbro often kept his hair maintained and now that he was alone, he had to do it himself.He couldn’t stand the dark hair he and every other troll was born with and it being white made him feel more at ease. It had become a ritual really, bleaching his hair the color of the sand on a beach. He downright had to beg Karkat to have some of the others trade for a bottle of the substance.

It had taken begging on his knees, making his lower lip tremble as he pleaded but he had finally had his way. He stood in front of one of the mirrors in one of the many restrooms within the castle. He ran a comb through his hair, trying to make the hair part away from his horns. It felt uncomfortable, his hair bent in a way that wasn’t meant to be possible but he had to cover the bases of his horns, lest they burn like hell. The bases were sensitive like all troll horns and he was perfectly content to not cry like a baby. He picked up a chunk of beeswax, mushing it between his fingers until it was nearly a paste and covered the dark orange portion of his horns that were close to his skull.   
Sure it felt icky but he’d rather feel gross then have to spend a week in pain. He had learned from experience that getting bleach on the sensitive part of his horns hurt like a fucking bitch. When he finished with that task he took a look at the mirror, taking in how absolutely absurd he looked with a cluster of wax near the base of his horns and picked up the two parts of the bleach mix. One was almost like a conditioner, while the other was a pasty blue. He mixed them, using a long wooden stick to get the two concoctions to react together. It smelled rancid and he had to pull his face away from the fumes as he prepared for the rest of his dying ritual.

He put on some latex gloves before picking up a brush and started to work it through his hair. It was a lot harder to do on his own, Crowbro no longer there to point out spots he missed. Yet he persevered somehow, managing to cover each strand of hair. He waited for the bleach to take, holding chunks of it up as he watched the color fade from his hair. After about half an hour he turned the faucet on, sticking his head under the water and letting the bleach and wax wash away. He scrubbed vigilantly with shampoo, having to make sure not a single droplet of bleach remained.

He stood there with his hair dripping and stuck to his face, looking at his reflection as he turned his head to each side. Good as new.

He shook his head, trying to shake the wetness away. No use. He picked up a towel and ruffled his hair with it before picking away at the bits of remaining wax still on his horns. He left the washing stalls with a towel hung around his shoulders, keeping them dry from the water droplets dripping off his head.He watched a few wrigglers race past him as he left the room, blinking after. He had no idea what was going on and he was just going to turn a blind eye and walk away.

“Hey Dave, want to join?” Dave froze, turning his head slowly towards the others. There went his plan of ignoring whatever shenanigans were about the happen.   
“Join what?” He raised a black brow, pulling the towel down on both ends, making it press against the back of his neck. The wrigglers stopped in their tracks and grinned. Dave wondered a moment if he should have even asked.

“Well, Karkat keeps a chest locked up under his bed.”  
“So?”  
“We found a way into his room. We’re going to investigate. Want to come?”

“Dudes. That is invading his privacy. A character we barely know anything about. He’s like some sort of mystery and one that should remain unknown, lest we find out something we didn’t want to know.”  
Dave pondered for a moment at this before giving a smirk.“I don’t see why not.” Besides, they could be in and out before Karkat would even notice. It would be like they were never there. The others beamed at him, took his hand, as he joined in with the group. He did want to know more about the other redblood in the fort and going through his stuff seemed like a good idea.

The children needed to set up a decoy. Karkat always seemed to sense trouble a mile away and had prevented shenanigans from happening at a regular basis. Dave always liked a bit of excitement in his life (excluding last month, he didn’t ever need to relive that) and going to raid the older troll’s room seemed like a solid plan. All eyes fell on Dave, as he made a face. He was the obvious choice, and the other wigglers knew exactly what they were doing. Dave was the decoy and he had no chance of talking the others out of it. His head fell in defeat as he gave a thumbs up.

“Fine, you convinced me.” They hadn’t really convinced him of anything but he would do it for the good of his friends. He would be the distraction and lone subject of Karkats attention for at least three hours. He could manage that, probably.

The fault in Karkat’s security was through an air vent near the ceiling and some of the wrigglers who enjoyed crawling through them had peaked into Karkat’s room. The wriggler had waited with bated breath until Karkat was gone and pulled the vent aside to investigate, during which they found the supposed chest. They didn’t have a lock pick on them and picking locks took time. Most of the children in the orphanage didn’t really see a problem with thievery, morals not exactly taught.

Kanaya had been recruited to partake in the plan. Her talent with picking locks with just a leather needle and a screwdriver were exceptional. She dismissed it and merely stated how she only used it because she kept locking herself out of her room, not being the best at keeping track of her key. The others just rolled their eyes and handed her the screwdriver and needle as they headed towards the air vents, wishing Dave the best of luck. Just because Karkat was their caretaker did not mean he was the best role model and this seemed more like an adventure rather than breaking some rules. They knew they would get in trouble if they got caught, so they needed to guarantee Karkat would be out of his room for at least three hours. Meanwhile the wrigglers procured the chest and opened it. Curiosity of a wriggler was an overwhelming thing and it needed to be sated.

***

Kanaya followed the others down the airvent, the last in a line of four wrigglers. The place was filthy and it took all her effort to not make a face of disgust. It smelled and she was pretty sure they had just passed a dead rat. They had rodents, fabulous. Or had, she couldn’t be quite sure. She was content not knowing the status of the small mammal within the castle.

Her hand kept its grip on the leather pouch in her hand, the valuables inside it too important to lose, especially in this particular circumstance. There were two pairs of needles in it. Two sharpened ones that she used for their proposed purpose and the other being for things of a dubious nature; such as sneaking into their lusus’ room and going through his most precious belongings.

The needles were bound inside it, keeping it safe from rust. They were rather cheap needles sure but still sharp enough to pierce the hide of a woolbeast. Not that she would ever have to. Still, they had to make it to Karkat’s room and she hoped that whatever Dave’s idea of a distraction was, it would give them enough time to look through this mysterious chest.

Kanaya didn’t really understand why the others wanted to know about whatever secrets the adult kept so badly. Yes, it was something she often wondered about while falling asleep but it wasn’t a need that needed to be filled. None of the wrigglers here knew much about Karkat besides the fact that he was their lusus and protector. But they didn’t have any clues as to his motivations of why he protects them or what made him try to make everything better when one of them got hurt. Knowing more about Karkat felt like an itch they just had to scratch.

The wriggler in front whispered that they had arrived and the one behind him handed him a screwdriver. He looked at the other like he was an idiot. Screwdrivers were used to get from the outside in, not the other way around. The wriggler told them to be quiet, as he spent the next ten minutes undoing the back of the screws with his claws. He pocketed the screws, pushing the vent open so the rest could crawl down.  
Karkat’s room wasn’t the most sanitary to say the least. Papers and food lay everywhere and Kanaya did her best to not step in any of it. If the rats came from anywhere, it was from this room right here. Seriously, did Karkat not know the meaning of hygiene?! She knew that the giant crab that used to live here was not a good influence on the troll but this was downright vile!

“Hey, I found it!” Kanaya’s head turned towards the source of the voice, as her eyes fell on the wooden chest with a large silver lock on it. It was placed on Karkat’s bed. Not like the troll would notice or anything. She unbound the needles, holding one in each hand as she moved to the lock and began to pick it open. It took time and she often had to hush the ones around her so she could concentrate but eventually the lock fell and all the wrigglers stared in amazement.

Kanaya was given the honor of opening the box and she did so with shaking hands. These were the personal belongings of Karkat, ones he found important enough to keep under lock and key. She let the top fall back, leaning over the box. All four wrigglers peered inside.

To say the box was more organized than Karkat’s room was an understatement. There were things put into envelopes, labeled and dated. There were also things that seemed entirely unusual to keep under such security. Things like buttons, stubs to movies. Not to mention something wrapped in a layer of purple boar leather and tied with a thick blue ribbon. Kanaya picked that up, untying the ribbon as delicately as she could before pulling away the leather to reveal a weapon. It was clearly taken well care of, seeing as the steel shined under their lanterns. It was a child sized sickle, no doubt it belonged to Karkat. It was his favorite weapon and it was concluded that, of course, the troll had one when he was younger. The most shocking fact was what it was made of. A dark red handle made of some kind of ray leather, covered in black ribbon. Not to mention the blade was intricate. The blade looked almost brand new and they would have suspected that if not for a few dried bloodstains that had been missed, in the grooves of the intricate pattern engraved on the blade itself. It had something etched in the side but it looked like it had been scratched over with something sharp, trying to hide the inscription. It was an unusual find, Karkat didn’t usually keep weapons locked up. . Kanaya tied it back up, putting it back into the box before taking out one of the envelopes with a single name written on it  
“John.”

Unfamiliar with the name, they spread the photos out for clues. The first picture in the pile, was of a young highblood in formal wear. Kanaya picked up it and turned it towards the others, a look of confusion crossing their faces. The name John and an age was scrawled in the corner, telling the youngsters who the mystery troll was. Clearly, someone in Karkat’s past. They saw another photo of some other wriggler in really hilarious formalwear, his face in his palm, like he was embarrassed to be standing there. John had his arm around him, making peace signs at the camera with the goofiest grin etched on his face.

The photos went on and on, more photos of this “John”, standing proud and tall. The photos varied, some while the wriggler was young, some older and more mature, showing the signs of turning into an adult. None of the photos looked like the wriggler was older than 7. Maybe someone Karkat knew once, it was hard to tell.

They were more concerned about the troll with nubby horns in many of the photos, smiling next to to John. The horns looked similar to Karkats but no way it was their mature leader. Karkat’s face didn’t smile that wide, he didn’t look that cheerful and innocent. He could never have been. The second troll had to be one of Karkat’s brood-siblings. That had to be the answer. None of the photos where only that troll appeared had any names, just dates. Still, it was curious why Karkat would keep so many photos of them. She shifted through a few more photos and her hand fell on one which was worn grey with age. It was both the trolls smiling at the camera, grins wide as can be. John’s arm was over the smaller trolls shoulder and they both looked so happy.

***

"Uh-huh," Karkat said slowly, raising an eyebrow. Give the kid credit; he persevered. He persevered about the fucking ceiling tiles and while not all that effective, persevere he did. He kept feeding Karkat some entirely bullshit, meandering tale while he had himself planted between Karkat and the hallway towards his block like a particularly red-faced fence post. He had to know he was failing too but he kept his mouth running.

It had only been a short bit over half an hour and Dave was running out of things to say. Karkat had to grin. "Hey, Dave, you know what? Fascinating as this is, I think we need to continue this conversation inside."   
Dave's eyes rounded behind the shades. "Uh--no wait--"  
"Come on." Karkat clapped an arm around the wriggler's shoulders and steered him along. "You'll be able to sit down. You seem a little winded, Dave. Almost nervous. There's nothing to be worried about. Just relax."

Dave’s distraction had failed, it had only been 40 minutes. The door swung open and he was not at all surprised to nudge the door open and find a handful of wrigglers going through his belongings. They were caught grey handed, sitting on Karkat’s bed with Karkat’s belongings out and a look of horror on their faces as Dave and Karkat stood there.   
Karkat looked at Dave, who had the stiff jaw of someone seeing his life flash before his eyes. He looked at the other kids, who now had deep terror dawning on their features as well. That's right. Dave didn't know how reprimand worked here, did he? It would be a good opportunity for him to learn. His actions had consequences and Karkat, much as he loved these kids, had to be the instrument of dealing them out. Sometimes it was great to be the adult. You could fit multiple wrigglers under each arm, even if you weren't the biggest troll out there. You could then, with sweeps of training and practice, spin them like a merry go round until they were screeching in horror. Karkat’s face couldn’t help the wide grin spreading over his features as grey arms and legs blurred through his vision.   
Karkat set them down in a woozy clump, followed by the wigglers doing their best to try and avoid any further discipline by hauling ass out of his room. He surveyed their findings. Of course they went through the locked trunk. One smudged image of John's face was enough for Karkat to sigh and start scooping things back into where they belonged.

"Any particular reason for this, or were you guys just bored?" He turned back, to find only Dave standing there, a look of shame on his face. He let out a sigh, turning back towards cleaning the mess the wrigglers had made. It looked like they had bent some of the photos. Shame, they were so very old. Karkat worked on cleaning up the mess silently, organizing the photos. Each one went neatly into a stack, the corners lining up.   
He found himself looking at each photo, memories rising up. He couldn't help that. It's why he kept them locked up in the chest- to keep the good times close, yet far away enough in a chest where he didn't have to deal with it. He picked up the last photo and frowned. John was such an essential part of who he was, that he couldn't help but reminiscence. The adult let out a sigh as he threw the photo into the chest, not bothering to put it back into the envelope, the greyed out photo could rot there for all he cared.   
So many memories were locked in that chest and it took so much restraint as he locked it to not throw the stack of photos into the fire.The memories were painful but he knew he couldn't let go. He had to burn those memories into his brain, lest he forget why he did what he did, why he kept fighting. Kept his instincts at bay no matter how hard it was. John was the thing that kept him going, even if he hadn't seen him in sweeps.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long with this chapter guys! A ton of real life things kept me from having time to work on this. That and I kept writing chapter 5 instead since it's more fun. Speaking of: Next chapter is going to be Karkats back story. It is going to be a very long chapter with multiple art panels because I am a depraved person who can't stop drawing Johnkat. Yes, this fic has Johnkat. But fear not, Davekat is the main flushed ship. 2nd image is a bit older then the first, but it was drawn back when I was still playing around with stype for this fic. So no, the dorks don't look like that as babies but it's still CUTE.  
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	5. John Part 1 : The Beggining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat's past had always been a thing shrouded in mystery. None of the wrigglers in the orphanage knew what drove a redblood to abandon what was expected of him and live by his own rules, and it ended up with a group of them breaking into the adults room only to find a mysterious envelope full of photos of a certain pair of trolls. Their only hint? John. Join Karkat as he takes a stroll down memory lane, and you learn just who this John was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains name calling and stupidity. Also Violence.

Karkat met John when he was three sweeps old, mere weeks after he had moved to this hive. Crabdad had deemed their old residence too much of a risk with far too many trolls and moved to this isolated suburb, one with barely any residents which was more appropriate. Karkat had no idea how the move was funded, no wriggler did when it came to funds. It was all based on questionable ancestors funding their grub’s livelihoods until they reached maturity. Lots of wrigglers theorized about their ancestors, questions running rampant through their heads and hearts. Karkat was told by Crabdad not to worry about it, so he didn’t. Besides, it was easier to live without silly questions over dead trolls slipping into his head.

His lusus had wandered into another other troll’s front yard and started to munch on the rabbits that were scattered around the greenery, the fluffy grey and brown creatures making a crunching sound as they met an untimely end by giant crab jaw. Karkat wasn’t fast enough to catch a rabbit; the rabbits were just stupidly quick. Trolls glowered their unsuspecting prey into submission. Any minute now, those bunnies would approach to offer him their lives. For now, it was scrawny prepubescence and Karkat was prepared to flee speedily behind carapaced arthropod shin incase these rabbits proved to be of the troll eating kind. Karkat was a little busy not sulking to pay his lusus any real attention. Crabdad was giant, armored and really noisy and nobody could take him, so whatever lusus was pitching a fit didn't matter. Karkat couldn’t help but smirk at the giant white rabbit hopping around Crabdad like an angry hummingbird. Whoever had such a fluffy and docile lusus was obviously a weakling. Rabbits weren't strong at all and despite the lusus’ size, it was still huge and fluffy. Karkat tried to stay out of the other’s personal space regardless when he heard a door slam open, a wriggler around his age bolting out and running towards the giant rabbit he could only assume was his lusus. The curvy horned troll was screaming at the rabbit lusus to defend his honor and stop letting a giant crab eat all the smaller of its brethren. It was then that the other’s eyes fell on Karkat and he walked towards him. The wriggler was suddenly in Karkat's personal space and the young redblood couldn’t help but lean away. It took him a few seconds to realize this and Karkat puffed up at the sudden intrusion and screeched with... well. One day, it would be menace. Crabdad had made it clear that all trolls he didn't know were bad. Karkat, having never talked to any, believed him.

 

 

He watched the other wriggler run behind his lusus and both giant white animals froze. The crab hissed at John, scooping up the wriggler with nubby horns. "Wow. You would think with that reaction I might have a second head or something." The troll with the short curvy horns smirked, crossing his grey arms as he watched the other, only to be picked up by his own lusus. He let out a cry of protest before he settled in the giant rabbit’s arms.

"You gonna be held by your lusus all day or you going to come down here and play?"

“You’re the one being held, you hypocrite! Stop looking at me like I have a second head!”

Karkat stared the other down with all the noble affront of a great predator, just one that happened to be in slightly stumpy body. He should probably make his predatory powers known again, but frankly that last one had been even more terrible than usual, so maybe he was going to have to avoid that. Instead, the little troll bared his teeth.

"You don't have a second head!" Karkat snapped at him. "Except for your butt. Because you are a buttface."

“I don’t think I’m a butt or a buttface! You’re the buttface!” The other troll crossed his arms and a smug look passed onto his features, like he had said the nastiest thing imaginable. He then looked down at his feet, an expression of regret following after. “Want to play?”

"Hmmm," Karkat rumbled, not convinced of the grinning troll's ability to not be a butt. Karkat had strong opinions on being a butt, even at the tender age of pupa. "Well. Okay then. I know some cool games," Karkat observed, simply speaking aloud, not at all to the small troll who was maybe not as scary as he'd first appeared. "But you have to be really, really cool to play them. You can't be a buttface at all."

"I swear I will not resemble a butt at all." The troll stuck his tongue out like a very mature 3 sweep old, the grey muscle poking out between his sharp buck teeth.

Karkat puffed up again. "Besides, you probably think the only cool games involve rabbits." His lusus made a wounded sound. Karkat growled at him, "Rabbits are the worst ever, literally and so are you." His words did not prevent him from cuddling mightily with his custodian.

"I'm John by the way. What's your name? Or are you going to be a big buttface and not tell me?" John’s lusus, seeming to have not sensed any danger, put John down on the grass before the giant white rabbit lay on the grass nearby, munching on a few blades. John’s grey eyes never left Karkat’s, as if studying the troll. It made Karkat feel nervous; he couldn’t help but keep eye contact with the other troll.

It took a little bit of convincing – and some punching – to make Crabdad deposit Karkat back on the other troll's lawn. Karkat rolled his eyes. Sheesh, it wasn't like the grass would eat him or anything! Not to mention they were always over here poaching rabbits anyway. John ended up grinning wide, showing off a set of sharp teeth. Karkat had decided it was now very important to not show fear in front of trolls who smiled that much.

Karkat's own smile looked dumb. He didn't attempt it. "'M Vantas," Karkat muttered. He wasn't really supposed to disseminate personal information. Crabdad, however, was distracted by a tasty-looking rabbit and had begun lurking off in search of food. Karkat leaned in to whisper to John, "My first name's Karkat but you can't tell anybody. Because I'm actually a spyavenger from another planet!" He flopped down with John on the grass.

"An alien huh? Cool. I'll keep it a secret." He sat down on the grass, not caring that they would get a bit damp. "Well, Karkat, it's nice to finally get to talk to you. I'm originally from the capital. Hopdad thought the country would be nice and it is, just lonely. This entire neighborhood is full of boring, royal weenies.”

He had to roll his eyes when John claimed to be from the capital. "Nooo," Karkat muttered, wrinkling his nose. "You're from... the planet of the face-eating zombielurchers. You're an vacxterminator." John did not understand this game at all. Karkat was willing to help him, because Karkat was pretty fucking great. Karkat nodded back solemnly. John had better keep his secret. Karkat was a level three hundred master of Buttwhoop-fu. Granted, in the body of a scrawny wriggler with a case of the barkbeast eyes but just the same.

“You know who is a butt though?" John pointed to the large castle up the hill. "The fishy face who lives there... Nektan Whelan. My lusus likes to bake so we brought him a pie once. He pretty much took it and while we were going home he fucking put it in the garbage! Oops... I said the f word." He cast a worried glance at the giant white rabbit before he returned to Karkat’s gaze. "Don't tell my dad."

Karkat looked up the hill at the large gothic mansion. John's description of the buttface who lived in the castle reassured the young troll just how big a buttface the seadweller was. He'd already sized John up at a glance. Not as cool as Karkat but he was pretty big and he had a lot of teeth. A vacxterminator and a spyavenger would make a pretty great team in a fight, Karkat figured.

"We should go kick his face," Karkat suggested, because Karkat had strong feelings about sugar and the seadweller had basically desecrated the pie that no doubt John had spent hours slaving away at. "You couldn't do it before, ‘cause you're kinda squishy but now we have superior numbers. We will annihilate him without prejudice." Karkat still had no clue what the saying meant but it had sounded really cool in the comic book he'd stolen it from and he had no intention of giving it back. Karkat stood up and shouted, "We must arm ourselves!" Then he went sprinting, he acquired a large stick. "Come on, John, hurry up! The forces of justice need us!"

 

***

 

John wasn't that bad, Karkat supposed with the wary judgment of a troll making life or death decisions. This kid with dorky glasses and even dorkier horns was pretty quick on the update, once he made up his mind to stop acting like he was dumb. Karkat nodded sharply at John's suggestion that they be stealthy, doing his best impression of a ninja. Of course they ran with their arms straight out behind them, obviously. John had laughed at him and made Karkat pout. Nobody was supposed to see the secret spyavenger, especially when he was trying to be stealthy! Crabdad had been really clear on that. Karkat was the most stealthy terrific troll ever.

“I am not squishy. I am fearsome and terrifying and I can kick your butt. I can kick the fish face’s butt. Hell, I can kick my own butt!" Karkat looked at John like he was insane for even uttering those words. “It had sounded a lot better in my head.” He admitted. The taller troll leaned towards Karkat, although his eyes remained on the manor on the hill. "We have to be stealthy though. Nektan may be a big dweeb but he's still a fish face. We could get in a lot of trouble if we're caught. My lusus says you shouldn't beat up those higher than you...but that's stupid. A butthead is a butthead. He deserves a buttkick.”

"It's okay, John," Karkat told him solemnly, "We can kick his butt really stealthy if you want but I can still kick your butt. I am the most savage fiend ever!" Karkat straightened his back, swinging his stick in a wide, flourishing arc. He couldn’t help but notice the huge, dumb grin on John’s face. "Soon as I grow really, really tall, it's my turn to beat up all the highbloodedest trolls and take their ice cream! I'm gonna be king of everybody!"

In the end, they didn’t beat up the fishface. Instead, sweet, smelly justice was served. John had the greatest evil mind in the history of evil minds, Karkat concluded. But not as evil as the short nubby horned troll. John would be, Karkat decided, a worthy minion. That poop idea? Genius. Pure, inspired genius. Karkat knew when he was looking in the face of greatness and he maybe grinned once or twice, even though it did make him look really goofy, because it was really fun. They were the stealthiest ever! They slapped high fives before they had to go home and Karkat shuffled to his hivestep gawking at his palm because John's hand had been so cold.

It was poetic justice the next night as they heard a scream of bloody murder. John near wet himself laughing so hard and Karkat had to cover his mouth to keep from joining in. Blue tears formed at the edge of his lids and he just knew the fishface would keep screaming cries of "Who is responsible for this?!" the rest of the night. It was worth it.

"Oh man… Karkat, we should do stuff like that more often… that was, uh… I think the word is priceful? No, uhm… priceless." He nodded. Three sweeps old and already his prankster habits were in development. However, not all pranks were flawless and John had been scolded for the bag of poo. He was told to bring an apology cake to the seadweller. He didn't, instead knocking on Karkat’s door with aforementioned cake in hand. "Hey Karkat, uhm… I was supposed to give this to Nektan Fishface but… you deserve it more, new friend!"

"Dumb-butt-weenie-jerk-stupid-face!" Karkat hissed at John frantically, eyes widening at the sight of the apology cake. "You can't come in! You're not supposed to be here… argh! Go away! Hurry up and go bug someone else!"

A look of betrayal and sadness crossed John’s face, one that made Karkat flinch away, it wasn’t exactly something he wanted to see.

"Uhm… alright. Should I just leave the cake with you?"

"NO! Just leave!" Karkat yelped, grimacing at John indignantly – how do you make trolls go away faster? A plume of smoke hissed out the crack in the door and Karkat let out a little cry of dismay – followed by a series of clicking screeches as his lusus discovered what, exactly, Karkat had wrought of the nutritionblock. Since Karkat did not have the presence of mind to slam the door while he was panicking, John followed Karkat inside through the door left ajar, hands still on the cake. The look of shock that crossed John’s face at the messy kitchen expressed every amount of horror the wriggler ever felt. The kitchen was the worst sort of mess; flour coated every available surface like virulent dandruff; frosting had made its way all the way up to the light fixtures; batter dappled the floor like Karkat had been sloshing it every two feet. John swallowed as his eyes looked about the messy kitchen before he set the cake down on the counter. From the oven, something smoked fiercely and Karkat strifed briefly with his lusus to rescue it. The result was some very singed baking and Karkat staring at it with his mouth open, horror apparent in his young eyes.

"This looks nothing like the picture!" He snapped indignantly and lifted his spoon like he was going to club his way through the failed cake. He would just have to try again. John watched as Karkat tried and failed to rescue what he assumed was a failed attempt at a cake. In his defense, Karkat had known exactly nothing about baking cakes.

Karkat’s head turned towards John, who was standing in the nutrition block, looking at the remains of this baking war. Karkat's jaw worked for a moment. Because here he was, with his awesome idea to bake John a cake to make up for fishface being a weenieface but it turned out the cake was the stupidface and Karkat burst into angry tears and threw his spoon at John before sitting down and continuing to cry with great wriggler anguish. John was not good at dodging and the spoon hit him smack in the middle of his forehead, leaving a slightly blue bruise.

"Ow..." He rubbed his injured scalp, glancing upwards as if he could see the forming lump. Karkat pressed his lips together, because trolls didn't cry and his lusus was making distressed noises above him but still sensing that Karkat was going to lash out at anything that got close to him. "This sucks," he wailed into his arms, “You weren't supposed to see any of this!”

Karkat's lusus was keeping his distance. Normally that would be great but Karkat was embarrassing himself effectively on his own. Squishing his mouth shut didn't make Karkat’s sobbing any quieter. Now he was just angrily, tearfully grunting into his knees. He hated everything and everybody. Especially John, who was a meanie pants and was watching Karkat act like a dumbbutt. This was a singularity of buttface.

John approached the other who was having a tantrum against a wall, red tears streaking down his face as he wiped them away with flour caked hands. His lusus made an angry sound as John approached him but Karkat made an angrier sob right back, because his lusus wasn't allowed to be stupid too, only two stupid people per tantrum. Karkat tried to growl a little when John sat down with him in a rustle of fabric but he was fresh out of mixing spoons to get his point across. He managed about three seconds of pointed silence before his chest hitched hard and another frustrated sob spilled out. Karkat was the worst EVER. He couldn't even do one cake right and now he was crying like a grub.

John did what instincts told him to and brought the other into a deep hug in his colder arms. Karkat found himself frozen in shock, unsure what John was doing. "Shhh… it's ok. You tried and that's all that matters." John was touching him, embracing him into a hug, Karkat turned into a little troll log, he was so stiff, shoulders up to his ears and sobs gone from angry to mildly panicked. Nobody was supposed to touch him this much! Or just-

He folded like a heap of laundry into the bigger wriggler and then was just huddled there, hiccupping and drippy with red tears. John's arms were heavy and comfortable. He wasn't as hard as Karkat's lusus. Karkat pressed his cheek into John's shoulder, sniffling.

"I didn't try, I messed everything up ever," the little troll muttered petulantly. "Why's your cake’s so much better than mine?" He wound his arms around John too, clinging and there was another series of slightly calmer sniffles. "I'm sorry I told you to get lost… I'm sorry I burned your cake and threw things and made your shirt get all soggy." For once, his voice lost its growling edge and instead Karkat sounded like a little wriggler covered in failed baking goods who was scared that the first friend he'd made was already sick of him. "You don't really have to leave."

"My lusus made my cake… I only know the basics. Maybe we can clean up and make a new cake? Or just eat fishhead’s one. Think that will make you feel better?" John was nearly cooing at him and it made the tight knot in Karkat’s chest loosen.

"I'm supposed to be able to bake a cake," Karkat mumbled. "Cakes are easy. Dump ingredients into pan, mix, do not light on fire. You were supposed to get a cake that was just for you!" He buried his face deeper into John's shirt and refused to feel better about it. No, Karkat Vantas would not be pacified from so egregious a failing! John pulled away from Karkat, looking at the slightly smaller troll. John smiled too much, Karkat decided and covered the other troll’s mouth with his flour covered hand. John, of course, ended up licking said hand and Karkat pulled away with a screech. John laughed. Karkat stared at his hand a while before wiping the slightly blue drool off on his pants, getting flour on them as well.

"I want to stay. You're nice and awesome and the first friend I've made since moving here. I like you, Karkat." John smiled, his buck teeth poking out from his lip, Karkat couldn’t help but think the other looked like a dork. "I like you a lot."

Despite how explosive his outburst had been, the hitching of his shoulders was gradually subsiding as John's cool hands patted Karkat's hair, trying to soothe the wriggler. It made it a lot easier to stop crying. Karkat shifted a little closer, hiccupping a little at the tail end of his tantrum. His lusus continued to hover, distressed for the wriggler and his close proximity to the unfamiliar young troll, while leaking suspiciously-colored fluids. Karkat ignored Crabdad. When he was no longer bawling himself sick, Karkat risked a sullen little glance up.

"I like you too," he said, with perhaps more anger than the statement demanded. "I don't have any friends, so I wanted to give you a hatefriend cake." He burrowed his head back into the crook of John's shoulder. "Cause yesterday was fun." With a hint of a whine, the wriggler complained, "Nothing is ever fun..."

And that was how Karkat ended up having a half hour feelings jam on the flour-dusted floor of the nutritionblock. They retired to the pile upstairs eventually, John mentioning how Karkat's lusus was having a hissy fit over not being able to return the block to proper order while two wrigglers sat on the floor bawling. John, of course, followed Karkat, leaving floury footprints on the carpet. They made it upstairs to a pile, shooshing and occasionally lifting a hand to pap his face him whenever the other got upset. John helped by getting bits of eggshell out of Karkat’s hair, muttering bewildered questions on how that even ended up there. Karkat cuddled the blueblooded troll fiercely whenever Crabdad walked past the open door, which was every once in a while so as to check up on his charge. Karkat's tears dried dark and looked rustier than anything mutated. Most friendships typically began with less pale macking, presumably but what else was Karkat supposed to have done? Not bake John a cake? Please.

No further concerned than his own frustration about crying on the guy he had tried to bake a fucking cake for, Karkat getting tears on John's shirt was a matter of pride. He was putting something of his on John – like signing a drawing. John was cool, Karkat liked him and he was also notoriously bad about sharing his toys. Red wasn't a bad color to Karkat yet. He let John pap his sticky face, lip stuck out and eyebrows knitted in a fearsome wriggler glare, hugging his death grip around John's ribs and growling a little when the highblood shifted like he might be leaving. Karkat was less used to giving affection than receiving it but he made his clumsy efforts. He prodded at John's face without much success and then rubbed his fingers against the nape of John's neck only to blush and duck his own head down. Karkat felt like he couldn't tattoo “I like you” any bigger on his forehead.

“Hey, Karkat, want to come over to my hive next time?”  
“Sure.”

 

***

 

Karkat was not exactly hard to lure to John's hive and spend a good twenty minutes blustering about how obviously he knew what movies were. Didn't everybody? John said he had noticed the biggest insult to trollkind in history inside Karkat’s hive and he let Karkat know it was an insult; There was no television. They were the ones you wound up with a spring, right? John facepalmed and said he doubted the other had even watched a movie in his life. The blueblood’s skinny body navigated through his living room to the videogrub display and picked a movie carefully. Circle of Life started to play when he connected the videogrub into the player. Karkat’s eyes went wide in shock as he leaned forward and heard John plop down next to him.

He was then introduced to Disney. Karkat’s gaze didn't move from the screen for a moment and John mentioned how he swore he never saw Karkat blink at all. Sure, it wasn't a pale date kind of movie but those were kinda gross and mushy anyways. Plus, they were still three; they could watch that kind of stuff when they were older. It was the desire to remain close to John and his wonderful, cool touch alone that kept Karkat from plastering himself to the surface of the TV screen. Forget having calmed down, Karkat was bellowing excited abuse at the movie within the first twenty minutes, cheering squeakily each time the heroes won. Karkat cried when Mufasa died, screaming at John that this was not a wriggler’s movie while the other just broke down laughing, earning a harsh punch to his forearm. At the first hint of danger he cuddled to John's side like a grub. Whether the action was for protection or to make sure the bad guys couldn't get his new friend was hard to decipher.

Karkat's emotional state had blasted out of orbit. By the end of the movie, Karkat was beaming and chattering a mile a minute about the amazing giant purrbeasts they had just watched, all but vibrating where he was tucked against John's side. Just as quickly, he crashed – they both did, as wrigglers were inclined to do. John's lusus found them sprawled on each other, letting out squeak-snoring dorky wriggler sounds and ended up tucking them both into John's cozy bed.

This was the start of a beautiful friendship and a bad habit. Karkat didn't tend to sleep well but that night, John woke up first and Karkat was in a half-pale, half-rested daze that involved a lot of staring into the distance and hiccupping purrs like a uncoordinated young wolfbeast. It became a habit; coming to John’s hive and sitting in the living room, a movie playing in the background. Whether they paid attention or not was subjective and more often than naught and they were often chattering about nonsense.

The wonder that filled Karkat’s grey eyes each time they watched a movie seemed to radiate to John, who was left a grinning mess. Once all the Disney had been consumed, they moved onto adventure movies. John showed Karkat Indiana Jones, an oliveblood on an adventure. He really liked those, they were action packed and great. John went on for hours about them, often reenacting scenes, over dramatic as they were. Karkat was left smiling in adoration, or laughing as John jumped off the couch and tripped over a stuffed animal, landing on his behind. John was the best, even if he was a total nerd.

It became a habit to follow John to sleep and curl up with him, which wasn't terribly difficult, seeing as in just a few short perigees, the two young trolls became inseparable. Crabdad could screech and clack his mandibles all he wanted; John was Karkat's best friend. Nothing in the world would ever make Karkat give him up. They often made piles, stuffed animals and random things they both owned were thrown into it. Strangely enough, it felt almost instinctive to make. Both boys seemed to enjoy it and Karkat was able to forgive a lot of things when John was there. Like the weird mass of stuff and sitting on it. Don't get him wrong, he liked it but it was making his heart flutter and it kind of made his toes go numb? He had to hide his face in John's shirt before said numb toes killed him, at least that’s what he told himself. It made Karkat nervous and therefore cranky and then John would pat his face and it was like Karkat's bones were made of wax or something, because he would ooze helplessly into his friend's arms and spend hours muttering about anything through thick purrs.

Despite John's best efforts, a sordid combination of curiosity, begging and theft ended with Karkat towing a romcom trilogy to John's house one night and John was able to witness his friend whimpering and pleading with the television for no less than nine hours; arguments were had, truces were made; the movies were his lifeblood, or so Karkat claimed. Karkat would watch John's heart-pounding action movies if John would watch his emotionally devastating romcoms and really, the hardships of what exactly they were watching became increasingly irrelevant, Karkat found – because hey, no matter how lame any movie turned out to be, John was still there.

His lusus had allowed him more freedom. Crabdad let him go to the videogrub shop and rent a few movies. He found the pale quadrant romance section at the videogrub shop and Karkat's little world imploded. He had such a crush on John. Dumb, goofy, giant-horned, completely perfect John. Karkat had confirmed within minutes of watching his first pale romance with tears spilling from wide-eyes, a pillow clutched to his chest and John sleeping next to him, that was exactly how he felt! Okay, maybe with less blood feuds and forcible quadranting but he and John were meant to be diamonds forever.

Crabdad was already weird enough around John, screeching that Karkat should be more careful around the blueblood. Geez, Karkat got it already, he wouldn't get cut. He covered up and was careful and even when John was really being a pest, went no further than some mutinous shin-kicks. Crabdad was the best freaking lusus ever but he was really possessive.

The one time Karkat tried to broach the topic of 'Dad, I think I have a crush on my best bro, what do I do?', Crabdad was so pissed off Karkat ended up hiding under the couch. Crabdad didn’t like the idea of Karkat being in a quadrant; probably an age thing. He could wait a sweep or two until him and John were officially pale. Besides, it was better not to think about the feelings, Karkat preferred to just act. When Karkat thought about things that involved John's big dumb face, all that happened was he started shouting and having a funny feeling in his stomach.

As all wrigglers tend to do, they grew with time. He and John got taller; fought about who was tallest; fought about who got the last plate of food while long-suffering lusii went to fetch more for the walking black holes they called offspring. It was around the time John and Karkat were five and their eyes were starting to sport dots of blue and red respectively that Crabdad got more antsy around John. He didn't understand why and it bothered him. He didn’t say anything though, choosing instead to spend even more time with his best friend. Karkat discovered threshecutioners and John had found out about ships and blathered on nonstop about the flying deathtraps. Karkat listened, even if the mental image of his best friend flying scared him beyond all measure.

John got a little weird sometimes as they grew, the older they got. He got angry really fast and sometimes just had to punch holes in things just like Karkat had to shout at people. Karkat liked how easily John let him calm him back down again. It wasn't scary, because John didn't ever hurt him. Karkat also learned several words that became heavily and gleefully involved within his wriggler vocabulary. So far, growing up was pretty fucking spectacular.

The only downside, really, was that other trolls were older and bigger than they were. Growing up? Yeah that had done nothing for Nektan’s personality. He and John had been heading to yet another movie marathon at John’s hive when the seadweller intercepted them. Karkat glared up at their visitor, wanting nothing but to perpetrate some crotch-kicking.

The seadweller had been up to no good clearly, being out and about. Who the fuck did he think he was? The empress? Certainly not but he sure acted that way. Karkat couldn’t help as he moved closer to John, lacing his fingers together with John's colder ones. Nektan had stopped himself in front of the two with his hands on his hips and a look that Karkat could only describe as sleazy on his face. Karkat felt John's hand squeeze his and he glanced down.

He saw Nektan’s grin grow as he eyed their hand, the shark toothed grin only growing wider. It disconcerted him and made him take a step back. Was the seadweller trying to steal John from him? He was not sharing cuddles with anyone but John. Even if it was kind of romantic to have someone marching over here and demanding his hand in pale matrimony.

And then Nektan opened his big mouth. “Oh wow. Look at the little lovebirds heading off to another movie night. Having fun with your lowblood fuckbuddy Egbert?”

“Fuck off Whelen, what I do with Karkat is none of your business. And he’s not my fuck buddy. We’re only five! Do you know how gross that is?”

“Yeah but he’s a lowblood. You know they don’t last long. How the hell did he even end up living here? This is a highblood neighborhood. Something smells fishy here.”  
“The only thing that smells fishy here is your breath.” John smirked, tilting his head as if he just won a big brawl. Nektan growled, a look of pure rage on his far too chubby face. Karkat was proud of his maybe-morails insult, clearly his tutoring on the subject was paying off.

“Maybe but that’s because I can actually buy fish. Hell I could go in the ocean and get my own damn fish. Neither of you landwellers can do that.” It was then Nektan turned away from John and looked at Karkat, a cruel look appearing on his face.   
“The proof is right there that he’s trash; his eyes are turning red. He was born a pile of rustblood trash and he’ll drag you down John. Wouldn’t you rather have a highblood like me? You should abandon someone as low as him.”  
“I don’t think you heard me the first time. Fuck off.”

“Why should I? His blood is an important matter here. Or in his case, unimportant. He’s just a lowblood.”

"The fuck does my blood have to do with anything?" Karkat scoffed. "Like you've seen it, nook for brains. I could kick your ass and bleed you dry without shedding a drop of my own damn sweat." He could feel John tensing with another one of his angry mood swings and nuzzled his chest reassuringly. "You're lucky I'm in such a kind and generous mood. Seriously, just fuck off."

John couldn't help but look more pissed by the second and he ended up squeezing Karkat’s hand. “I still don't see what that has to do with anything. So he's a lowblood. What's the big deal? I can be with whoever I want and I want to be with Karkat and not you."

"Wow...you really don't know then do you?"

“Yes, I know he won’t live as long but I still want to spend whatever time I can with him. Be it 50 sweeps or a few hundred. I like Karkat and I don’t want to be without him.” Karkat could feel his heart leap in his chest, as he felt tears form on the edge of his eyes. He quickly wiped them away, he wasn’t supposed to cry. "He's my friend, so if you can kindly get out of our way so we can go hang out that would be great."

"You're lower than me, You should feel honored I want you. Seriously, dump the loser lowblood and come to my hive.." Nektan uncrossed his arms, smirking as they met Karkat’s grey and red ones. “Wow. They’re starting to fill in. I was wrong.”

“What?” Karkat was confused, his hand going up to his eyes. Were they? He knew his eye would eventually fill in, everyone’s did. He just didn’t expect it to start happening already.

"Your eyes dumbshit. They're starting to fill in." The seadweller crossed his arms and an amused expression crossed his face. "Just watch any movie with a redblood in it..you'll see what I mean. I mean, that's what you two nerds do isn't it? Watch movies. I've seen both of you wheel around a cart full of them. It's kind of pathetic really. And not the romantic kind. The adult kind. Hell, you'll learn just what red means soon. As for the nook part? Yeah...you'll just be a nook for brains soon. Just like the rest of your mutated-"

The seadweller had trespassed on something so sacred not even Crabdad's rules about bleeding could have stopped him. He was halfway upright in a flash, prepared to fucking start a blood feud. Karkat didn’t get to rebuttal, John got to Nektan first. John growled, clenching his fists. "Fuck off." John then let go of Karkats hand, formed a fist and a sharp crack sent Nektan reeling away from John's fist and cool, careful fingers wrapped around his own. There was purple blood dripping from his nose and Karkat couldn’t be more proud of John. He had stood up for him. Nektan looked like he wanted to cry, his hand covering his injured nose and stood up, running in the direction of his hive. No doubt, he would cry about this to his lusus.

John took Karkat’s hand once the seadweller was out of view. He didn't want Karkat anywhere near the guy. What did the guy even mean? Karkat was low sure but what was that guy insinuating....he had no idea.

"Ignore that fishfuck. I'm sure he's full of shit."

Karkat was being yanked away from the downed seadweller. His heart pounded the whole way back to John's house and he barely let John get out a word before Karkat was papping his hands softly to his best friend's face.

"Like I give a shit about what he said," Karkat scoffed. "He's got barf for brains and he has not seen the light of day in eons, he's shoved so far up his waste chute. Shoosh." Karkat couldn't keep a blush from spreading onto his face. "You didn't have to... punch him. Okay? J-just calm down." John was panting hard, not letting go of Karkats hands as he shook. Both knew that the blueblood would be susceptible to highblood rages and that right there...well. He had been mad.

He sounded like a complete wriggler. It was just kind of pale, wasn't it? Getting into a fight for your moirail's honor. Karkat wrapped his arms around John. "I promise I won't share you either," he mumbled, completely red and embarrassed with himself. "Shoosh, you big embarrassment." Karkat started to pap him. John stiffened a moment and his pupils turned to slits before he went to face Karkat. The taller troll swallowed and nodded. What was going on? Was John so mad that the warm hands on his cool face were having no effect? Karkat grew scared for a moment, worried that the conversation with Nektan had broken his calm. It looked like it wasn’t having an effect on John in the least bit. John must have been really pissed off, to still be so tense. Usually he didn't stay that mad around Karkat; or maybe Karkat was doing it wrong? It's not like John had ever agreed to be his moirail.

Self-conscious, Karkat lightened his touch. He cupped the chilly curve of his friend's face and ran his fingers gently against it, like he could wash all the bad stuff away. "Shh," he offered and this time it seemed to be working. John's eyes were all scrunched up. Karkat butted their noses. "Don't be weird. This isn't even remotely the shittiest thing to come out of that brine-sniffer's mouth. Come on, let's sit in a pile and hit each other with pillows."

John was still frozen before he slowly nodded his head, putting his hand over Karkats, holding his hand there. Karkat sent a confused glance at the other, wondering if his paps weren't having the same effect as they did when they were three and four and Karkat felt a shiver of fear go up his spine. “John?”

John blinked a few times letting out a deep breath before smiling at Karkat. “I’m fine.” He eventually calmed down and Karkat eventually stopped papping him and he had come off enough of his rage to follow the other back to his hive and into one of the many piles they had lying around. It was calming building them and the cool shoulder Karkat was leaning against felt nice. So, they ended up cuddling on the pile in front of the television. The pile was pretty comfortable, as per usual. Elbows and winter chill but Karkat had long since resigned himself to cuddling with that and he was more than happy to tangle up and try to keep John calm. It was his sacred duty as John's maybe-moirail.

Karkat knew that it was a dumb baby thing to not even see if John would do the finger thing, complete his diamond. Yes, it was dorky but it would be really romantic, right? They didn't have to make it weird, so Crabdad would never know and Karkat just really, really wanted John to know how he felt sometimes. He thought John might know anyway but he wanted to say it. He wanted to belt it to fucking show tunes and write it in the sky to show how much he liked the other. He liked John so much.

 

***

Twelfth Perigee's Eve rolled around and wasn't that the perfect time to show John how he felt? Twelfth Perigee's Eve was all about quadrants, clade, friends, lusii and that kind of thing. Karkat had spent the afternoon helping Crabdad decorate, even if some of that tinsel was lost forever in the thatch of Karkat's hair. Crabdad didn't really do a lot of festivities unless they were sticking around for a while and it was so nice to spend time with his lusus. Karkat had presented his lusus with a World's Best Crabdad trophy, painstakingly made out of an entire glue bottle's worth of paper mache. Crabdad had still been screeching in delight when Karkat left and it was John's turn to get some kind of head nod. He probably wasn't expecting any romantic gestures or anything but Karkat's gift was already burning a hole in his pocket and the minute John answered the door, Karkat flung his arms around his fellow wriggler dramatically.

"I have come to rescue you from holiday cakes! Come on, let's sneak off."

"Oh thank god but I doubt any sneaking of any kind can happen here. Hopdad has warded off all escape routes with cake." John had a look of pure panic on his face, glancing back into the hive. Indeed, cake could be seen stacked high as the wall and it smelled like a gingerbread hive.

Karkat took one look at his friend and burst out laughing, what was he even looking at? John looked like he'd gotten into a fight with a seasonal wear catalogue and lost. He was dressed festively, tacky 12th perigee sweater that had a white reindeer lusus with a bright red nose that turned on and off and this was the most precious thing ever. John had tinsel wrapped around one of his horns and another bit draped over his shoulder where it had fallen off. Karkat was already diverting half of his blood weight into his face to blush like a fire hydrant but now his heart was pounding even harder. But despite how festive John looked, it was nothing compared to both the inside and outside of John’s hive. Being a highblood, he had years and years of decorations, becoming more elaborate the older he got. Probably all funded from whoever his paetron was; that's how this sort of thing worked right? Karkat knew the basics of it, anyway.

Karkat's hands were stuffed into his pockets to ward off the chill because they couldn't all be highbloods in giant mansions. Karkat's winter wear was a little lacking, his coat wasn’t even that thick. He found his fingers closing around his gift again, anxiously hoping the trinket wouldn’t fall through any invisible tears. He needed to quit touching it before he broke it. Oh crap oh crap, raced through his mind. How could it compete with that lusus nose blinking on and off? He just wanted to poke it and his fingers itched to do so. He resisted though, clenching the present still in his pocket. No, troll up, Vantas. You came here for grown-up shit. Romance the troll. Sweep him off his goddamn dorky feet, he kept saying to himself.

"You want to come in? It's warmer and I know you don't really like how cold it is." To John it was just a bit chilly, while to Karkat it felt like jumping into a frozen lake. John looked eagerly at Karkat, who couldn’t help but pull the scarf up covering his chin a bit more.

"Merry," Karkat managed before it devolved into spirited, flustered mumbling at his shoes. His heart had started beating in a way that suggested spring-loaded pressure mechanisms. Ow. He curled his fingers around the object in his pocket again.

"Oh, if I must I’ll get in you big baby," Karkat grumbled, deigning to step inside. Warmth and cake smells made him grin. "Happy Twelfth Perigee, John." He felt kind of dumb saying it and his whole face went hot. John closed the door behind him, before turning his head towards Karkat. He smirked, his sharp buck teeth poking out over his lip. "Merry Twelfth Perigee Karkat."

"Um. I have a gift for you but you have to earn it first, so you don't get it yet." He scuffed a shoe against the floor. "...That okay?"

"Really? What do I have to do?" John swayed back and forth on his heels, his hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his jeans.He kept glancing to the left for some reason and Karkat couldn’t help but have his eyes follow the trail there. Of course, a pile of presents. No doubt John wanted to open them up already.

John smiled that dorky smile of his and Karkat could feel his cheeks turn red under the scarf. He had to make this a perfect moment and romance John’s fucking socks off. John just had to be himself, a perfect, gorgeous creature. Karkat couldn’t help the remaining winter chills that sent needles across his cheeks and he pulled the scarf down a bit, the scratchy wool no doubt the cause for his discomfort. He wished to be shoosh-paped with the tenderness of true pale serendipity and couldn’t help but watch John cross the room over to a pile of presents and pick up a carefully wrapped present with Karkat’s initials on it. Karkat’s eyes widened, realizing that John had got him something. Not only that, something big.

"I have something for you too. Maybe we could trade em same time and...? I don't know. Stuff..."

John had set it up and everything but instead Karkat continued to flush at his shoes and apply a death grip to John's present. "Uh," he said. "Just. Uh. I'll let you know. If I tell you, you'll just dance for my amusement now, you greedy nookstain and I prefer it when you do so of your own volition."

Karkat liked to couple his ever-expanding vocabulary of profanity with dogged perusal of the dictionary, so that he could yell at people both with words they knew and words they didn't. At least that felt like the necessary thing to do right now. His bloodpusher felt like it could explode any moment now.

"Gift exchange, really?" Karkat drawled, tailing John over to the counter. "Try not to be a complete wriggler, won't you?" Actually, Karkat was a little giddy because successfully encompassing perigees of tight-knit friendship and burgeoning emotional awakenings into a ten-minute gift-giving period was kind of a tall order. He surveyed John's present with narrow eyes. John had the dopiest grin ever as he near skipped over with the box in hand. Clearly, he was excited over whatever was in the box. Karkat just gave him a skeptical look, pretending to be calm. Karkat was not calm. Fucking gift wrapping. Why didn't he think of that? He couldn't give John his present now! It wasn't ready!

"Er," Karkat said, voice significantly smaller. "Actually. I just realized I forgot something at my house. And it's really important. Maybe I should go back and get it." Did they even own any wrapping paper? This had just leapt to the top of Karkat's priority checklist. Did they own wrapping paper and could he afford it with food money? He was running through all kinds of alternatives in his mind when John spoke up.

"Aw come on Karkat. It's snowing. Well...snowed? Past tense I mean. It kind of already is on the ground and more isn't coming. Besides, I got you a gift. I want you to have it..." He leaned the box towards Karkat, grey eyes speckled with blue shining with excitement. Karkat stared deep into the ocean and the ocean stared back. He tried to look away but couldn’t and gave a hugely frustrated groan through his ashen lips.

"Are you suggesting that I can't brave a little frozen ice water for my best friend, John? Is that what is happening here? Because I'm afraid that I might need to school you so hard your teeth rattle. I will face the goddamn snow. I will shove my boots up its flakey ass." He wasn't exactly wearing boots suited for winter, he had outgrown the ones he had worn the previous cold season and the last place he lived hadn't required anywhere near this much winter wear. Fucking wrapping paper. He couldn't believe this, he was furious with himself.

"Come on, least open your gift. And I doubt whatever you forgot at home is so important that you would skip out on the hot chocolate Hopdad made." He grinned, sharp buckteeth poking out over his lips. A blue blush was on his face, as he titled the box back and forth, wanting Karkat to take it.

"Fine," Karkat growled, grey hand reaching out for the box. "Fine. You prepared your gift for me and I will accept it." Largely because John seemed liable to try to impale him with it if cajoling didn't work. He was all but nudging Karkat across the floor with it in his enthusiasm and Karkat got another ill-timed burst of feelings that left him blushed and fumbling with the wrapping paper because it was that or talk. Talking wouldn't be wise.

Holy shit. John got him sickles!

"Holy shit," Karkat breathed. He had finally taken his hand out of his pocket to clamp over his mouth. The blades sparkled in the soft glow of the holiday lights and the handle was covered in dark red leather. It could cut through bone if Karkat so desired and they were perfect.These were the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in his life. That gleam curved over the blades--his blades? No, no way --could only be true steel, nothing like the cheap alloys Karkat could afford. Even the handles were sleek, a bright red leather handle with a sharp edge. The blade was double-edged, sharp so he could hook around someone and dismember them and the top was filed down to a point for stabbing. The embezzled pattern along the center of the blade near made him cry, it was a masterpiece. Wicked, heavy blades in his hands and Karkat barely felt right touching them with his grubby, unworthy claws. John was giving him the biggest grin, like he was the one who was lucky that Karkat was getting to hold a pair of weapons like this, oh god.

"Oh holy shit," the little troll wheezed, diving behind his arm and scrubbing his eyes hard. They burned, tears squeezing out in stutters, then faster, flooding his sleeve hotly as Karkat's attempts to talk dissolved into scratchy hiccups and frantic sniffs. Oh god, he was not going to get mucus on these ever. They would probably combust out of sheer rage and affront. John let out a nervous chuckle, watching Karkat turn into mush; he was certain he was turning into mush, as he held the blades in his hands. They looked like they were made perfectly for the smaller troll.

"J--hhh." That was as close as he was getting to John's name. Giving up entirely, Karkat let the beautiful weapons gently settle on the counter and then threw himself at John. Arms squeezed around him tight. "Kkkkk," Karkat attempted, then took a shuddery breath and tried again. "Thank. You."

 

 _Fuck, you have pretty eyes_ wasn't a conversational starter, it was a swift conclusion to a budding pale serendipity of--

 _This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done. I just like you so much. I'm so, so pale for you that it hurts. My chest is gonna blow up. Not before I fucking do you honor with those blades, though. Never before that, cause your_ moirail _isn't gonna be anybody weak._ He couldn’t make those words come out his mouth but he damn well thought them as he put the sickles down on the table like they were made of glass and not of sturdy steel, before taking a few steps towards the other, careful not to make it bump into the cake and hugged John, sobbing tears of joy into the others sweater.

“Of course. I wanted to make this 12th perigee special. You were always so interested in sickles and I just thought well, what’s a threshecutioner without a badass pair of sickles to use?”

He leaned up to look dead into John's eyes. "Changed my mind," Karkat forged on bravely, jaw wrenched tightly to keep himself from sobbing. "I wanna give you your present now. Close your eyes." John's cheeks were dusted with blue, as he looked at the other and smiled. John’s grin was growing wider when Karkat asked him to shut his eyes.

“Alright.” John closed them, still as a rock while he waited on Karkat. John's light little laugh made Karkat's heart squeeze even harder and he dug his claw into the soft fabric of the sweater, kneading at it helplessly as his dumb idiot made his knees shake from pale. _Oh, John wanted to make it fucking special, huh?_  Karkat gulped back another sputtering gasp of tears, pressing his cheek over the thumping of John's heart.

 

 

"It's special," he croaked and fuck, he sounded like such a damn wriggler, with his voice cracking like that. "It's really special. Fuck, I..." He felt so transparent. John could just look through him and see everything and he was smiling down like he liked what he saw and Karkat blurted, "...I could buy the whole world for you one day, you know, when I'm that badass of a threshecutioner--because let's face it, I am fucking fantastic--and it won't be this special." He leaned up butting his nose to John's chin. "You're so, so fucking stupid."

His shaking tone said something entirely different and when John has his eyes closed, Karkat's own fucking heartbeat was punching him in the gut, grinning so furiously as Karkat leaned close to the most perfect troll ever. His gift clinked when he released it from its pocket. If he couldn't wrap it, he could at least do this, rising up to his tiptoes and with infinite care and feather-soft fingers, slipping the silver chain around John's neck.

John wasn't one of the highbloods who got super into jewelry, Karkat knew that John didn't seem to be into much of anything material, maybe because his lusus could hand it to him without perigees of saving. Karkat's savings were generally put towards the noble purpose of, you know, buying new things for his respiteblock when Crabdad moved them halfway across the continent in the dead of dawn without warning. It seemed only right that now that he couldn't ever imagine leaving, he spent what he had on something to give to the guy he pitied so much.

It wasn't anything fancy and maybe it even looked kind of stupid but when Karkat leaned back and looked at John--his eyes shut, expectant grin on his mouth and Karkat's pendant winking in the light--he didn't see anything but his claim and his gift and his own frantically fluttering heart, right against John's chest. John glanced down, picking up the circle with delicate claws, looking at it before his lips turned upright. He was smiling and Karkat could see the sapphire tears forming at the edge of his eyes. Karkats gift was nowhere near as extravagant as John’s, the look of joy on John’s face made Karkat’s insides feel like they were burning up with joy.

He hadn't been able to afford the diamond shape but Karkat almost liked the circle better. John knew Karkat couldn’t afford small trinkets like this and kept asking if it was fine. It was more then fine Karkat kept assuring him and glancing at how good John looked in the pendant. The wavy silver almost looked like John's sign coiling in on itself and the edges had the painstaking etchings of dozens of tiny diamonds by the wrigglers own claws (he'd broken about three too). John would have to look pretty hard to figure out how embarrassing that was, though.

One day, Karkat would get him a better token, something worthy of him and how much Karkat pitied him but for now, this was the most Karkat had ever felt and he was never going to stop crying. Later, he'd have time. John swallowed the breath he was holding, Karkat had seen the other troll's chest freeze and wrapped his arms around the shorter and warmer troll. John was purring happily. Karkat couldn't possibly keep a giddy little grin off of his face. His cheap-ass pale trinket looked good sitting on John's chest, winking in the light. Karkat wanted to run his fingers over it and make sure it was real but John's smile was a distraction. “Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m never taking it off. God…I like you so much Karkat.”

"Sap," he accused, throat full of gunky tears. His nose wrinkled as he was peeled away from John's shirt. John kissed Karkat’s eyelids, his breath shaky with joy as purrs echoed through his ribcage. He hugged the other, nuzzling his face like he was just going to kiss Karkat’s happy little red tears away. It was so romantic. Karkat was going to expire of all this goddamn romance. Heart pounding, palms sweating, John wearing his pale token and Karkat nuzzling for all he was worth. A real motherfucking distraction and Karkat gulped as the highblood's arms crashed around him, pale sentiment sprinting for the roof like a tidal wave and crashing down hard. He kissed John's cheek gently and knew that they would never ever be apart.

Karkat's arms went around his best friend's soft sweater and he clung fiercely. Hive like a palace and he wanted Karkat's pendant. It was all his. It and everything that came with it. Karkat buried his face in John's shoulder.

"Happy Twelfth Perigee's Eve," Karkat whispered to him. He bowed his head onto John's shoulder and muffled the sound. "...like you."

He would talk to John about quadrants at some point when he wasn’t full of wriggler glee. There was hot chocolate after that, cookies and festive movies, feet tangled beneath the blankets piled on the couch. Sugar highs and Karkat blushing and beaming every time he caught sight of the pendant resting around John's neck. Both wrigglers were so happy and there was hot chocolate waiting. The short trolls followed Hopdad into the living room, mugs of hot chocolate and gingerbread cookies on the table. Karkat had brought his sickles, they were never far from his nervous fingers and he petted them over and over.

 _This has been the best Twelfth Perigee's Eve ever_ , Karkat thought but couldn't quite say. John picked up a cookie and dunked it into his chocolate, before biting down on it. “Try some Karkat, they’re good.” They spent the rest of the night goofing off, talking. Eating and drinking the never ending supply of sweets. Karkat was happy and was really absentminded as the sun approached the horizon. John said something and Karkat turned towards John to hear it better and was caught off guard as John leaned towards Karkat and kissed him softly on the lips.

Karkat's fingers brushed over the pale token gently as he discovered that first kisses were soft and lasted forever. Serene. He could have counted every eyelash, memorized the grooves in his impressive horns, the wrinkles in his shirt, the softness of his breath. John looked serene.

 _Not bad at all,_ Karkat thought and as they parted, he giggled with the glee of a wriggler who has discovered something new and interesting and nuzzled his head onto John's shoulder. "'s nice," he murmured.

 

 

He didn't know trolls could kiss pale. His chest was warm from liking it so much. John pulled away with a blush and a smile. It had been nice and Karkat’s heart was beating fast and he felt like he would have a bloodpusher attack. John brought his hands to Karkat’s face and cupped him before the blueblood brought him into a hug and Karkat felt something hitch in his throat, rubbing his face against the other's chest. John was purring and running his hand down Karkat’s hair. They spent the rest of the day curled up in the pile of blankets, eventually dozing off. John had his head tilted back against a pillow and Karkat was using his chest as one, a mug sitting in his lap, his hands barely holding it. It had been the best Twelfth Perigee's Eve ever. Then everything that happened with John. The sickles, now confined to the special shelf in Karkat's respiteblock where he could look at them and blush himself into a purring wreck in under five seconds; the pendant even now hanging around John's neck, that gentle hug, the snuggling, the kiss…

It was pale as snowflakes, pale as crystal sugar and hot cocoa marshmallows and the most wonderful thing in the world. John felt the same. Karkat was spinning around and around in circles. The world was a carnival ride and every time John kissed him, it spun even faster. Karkat hadn't known pale could feel like this--make your heart race and your chest hurt and your skin feel so warm. He had to earn it before he kissed John himself, though. Had to prove what a mature, confident troll he was. Karkat was getting ready to propose moirallegiance for real... it's just that it wouldn't be right if he didn't tell Crabdad first. This feeling he got in his chest, the pale serendipity, it was all he wanted.

 

***

 

Pale? Who was he kidding? He had been a stupid wriggler. Karkat felt tears welling up on the sides of his eyes at the memories, stuffing the last photo in the chest, the glossy surface bending at the sides as he didn’t even bother putting it away with the others. He near slammed the chest shut before pulling it off his bed and kicking it under the bed. He didn’t need these emotions, not now. Not with everything that was happening in the fortress. Karkat sighed as he sat down on his bed and ran his rough hands through his hair, staring at his lap. That had been sweeps ago, ages. Why was he still emotional about it? He should just get over it and move on. It’s why he had locked it up in the first place! Karkat took a deep breath, stood up and after re-securing the air vent, left his room and locked it. He would need to burn away some anger and sadness away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh! This chapter was so emotional to write. I ended up doing 4 panels and all. I kind of originally doodled 6 but the other two were sort of dropped because decided those would be used in a later chapter of Karkats background story. I decided to cut it off after the xmas scene, because I am evil and it...sort of fit?  
>  You have no idea how much writing fluff is hard for me. You can find all the panels for this chapter at : 
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)
> 
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)
> 
> I sometimes give spoilers or writing progress updates there, as well as occasional extra doodles...along with comments on the panels. Usually. Sometimes? 
> 
> One last thing. Chapter 6 will be put up relatively fast since I have all of Karkas backstory arc planned out. The after effects of the backstory will be explored in Chapter 7. Chapter 7 will be the most emotionally draining chapter due to some of the things that happen there. It's going to be really violent and gory. I will have trouble writing it so don't expect it to be up anytime soon. Chapter 6? Uhm...I wrote half of it while waiting on my beta to proofread this chapter. 
> 
> PS You will be back to your regularly scheduled DaveKat soon


	6. John Part 2 : The City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Karkat go to the city for Karkat's 6th wriggling day. Nothing could be more perfect. . The small troll couldn't be happier. He gets to spend a full weekend with his pitycrush and nothing could go wrong Or can it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains depictions of rape and public sex.

Unavoidably, time passed. Half a sweep felt like it had gone by in what felt like the bat of an eye. Karkat watched three more trolls leave the fortress, having come to an age where their gaze had shifted from seeing Karkat as some sort of parental figure, to something they wanted to mate with. Each one affected by him, trying to get close the same way Eridan had, shy and trying to ease around the subject, while one of them he nearly beat to a pulp. Not everyone reacted the same way to a redblood’s pheromones; some were more violent than others. Karkat dealt with it the best way he knew how; He had the wriggler leave before they lost themselves. Each time, Karkat’s face remained firm as scarlet tears streaked down his dusky cheeks. He had to appear strong for the younger ones that were still there, still his. There really wasn't much time left for Dave to just be a kid but Karkat tried to make it worth his while to be one. He himself didn’t get to be much of a kid when he was growing up and the redblood system was still something new.

The other wrigglers did most of it, though, because Karkat was more just... Dave's friend. Dave was too old for having a lusus baby him for one thing and for another Karkat wasn't about to replace Crowbro. On top of it all, Karkat empathized with Dave so utterly that he was constantly finding himself commiserating. Yeah, Karkat tried to keep that certain distance between them that made it easier to respect and appreciate than befriend but Dave had this really fucking annoying way of looking over dead-on the minute Karkat's face fell or he stumbled from a wound he thought he was hiding. It was usually followed by him then not outright asking if he was alright, even by just doing something to help. Brat. Endearing, amusing brat but Karkat called them like he saw them. Dave felt the same sadness Karkat did when one of the others left but there wasn’t much choice, was there? Karkat had been a lusus to everyone he knew since he'd figured out what mutantblood meant and it didn't bug him or anything. Parenting Dave was a pretty futile affair, he couldn’t be a lusus to someone that he had far too many parallels with.

Dave had his own room now and it meant the wriggler had some security as he was often getting sick recently. Karkat knew exactly what was going on, he had been through it himself. A redblood’s body changed far too quickly to be deemed healthy the half sweep before they turned seven. Karkat did his best to make it easier on Dave, handing him refilled bottles of water and making sure the wriggler ate.

It was stressful at times, especially during Karkat’s heat when they got attacked for a near week, trolls of other bloodcastes desires to mate with him stronger than ever. His own pheromones felt higher with the amount of trolls that showed up, Dave starting to produce them himself. Any semblance of parental roles pretty much all went to shit the moment Dave started to produce enough pheromones for it to affect Karkat. Karkat was a lot stricter about Dave's smell than he was over his own.  _Were they producing more because there was another redblood nearby? Great, just fucking great._ Sure, the younger one had time but the clock was ticking and it felt like each day brought Karkat closer to having to deal with the problem. When the bigger kids' heads started to turn, Karkat would smack them back forward again with a warning huff. He stayed pretty close to Dave, making sure that no one gave the teenager any grief. He gave Dave shit for starting to space out during schoolfeeding or training and basically tried to keep his mind clear by making his life hell when it wasn't.

But Karkat couldn't stay as close as he liked to Dave because, as usual, life hated mutants. Karkat was affected by Dave’s scent, far too much for him to pass it off as anything besides lust. He nearly growled at Dave once or twice for nothing at all, like he expected the troll to be his possession and kicked himself accordingly. He stopped touching the teen except when necessary because he wanted it too much and the pheromones stuck to him for hours. Dave? He either was ignoring the problem, or didn’t even notice. He admitted, he saw far too much of himself in Dave. It felt like watching himself grow up, relive his experiences. Relive John.

On one of those days that just felt like he had rewatched a shitty rerun of his life, Dave casually being flirted with by another wriggler who was clearly either clueless or starting to be effected was when Karkat had enough. He pulled the two apart, growled at the offending child who ran off squealing and glared at Dave.

“Don’t think you can trust them. Any of them. You already know what fate has in store for you. If you need to talk, I’ll be there. You know that. Just… be more careful around the others. They do not and will not ever know what it’s like, do you understand?”

Dave nodded quickly, his eyes wide. Fuck, they were already red, filled in almost entirely. They were no longer grey sporting dots of red, they were red with just a few splashes of grey. It wouldn’t be long until the world didn’t see Dave as a child but as a full on adult. He hoped the child would never have to act like one. But he already had, hadn’t he? He had run from wherever he was being held and came here. He’d seen his real lusus die and was doing his best to adjust to life here.

Karkat shook his head. “You know what? Never mind. Have fun, be a wriggler. Just, don’t let your guard down. Kick their asses if you have to. I’ve seen you get better at fighting, you’re good at it. I’m going to… I’m just going to relax for the rest of the night, alright? I’m not as young as I used to be.”

With that said, Karkat ruffled the young redblood’s hair, despite the wriggler’s protests and walked off to his room. He had been too trusting before, not seeing evil for what it was. He had been too trusting of John and his own innocence to see what was right in front of him.

 

***

 

The New Sweep’s Celebration passed and both John and Karkat screamed as they loaded a firework directed at Nektan’s hive. They ran for cover when the object collided with a bush, setting the offending foliage on fire. They ran like scared little schoolchildren, squealing and laughing as they got to John’s hive and hid in his bedroom. They scurried under the bed sheets, hiding from any angry lusus. They held hands and John leaned against Karkat’s shoulder. Karkat nudged him, looking up. John leaned down and kissed him again; Karkat reciprocated happily. The feeling, while new, was still great. John was worth a few days of reproachful screeching. Besides, Karkat wanted Crabdad to be excited about this too. After all, his wriggler had found pale serendipity at age five. This had to be a record or something. Crabdad was definitely going to be proud. He kept it secret of course, wanting to tell Crabdad when it was official. After all, neither wriggler outright said it.

Time felt like it was passing way too fast for Karkat and next thing he knew it was spring and John turned six. Cake flooded his hive and John did what Karkat had grown to expect of him. Go to his hive with an armful of cake and beg for forgiveness. Karkat rolled his eyes as he opened the door wide open and took the 5 cakes, piling them onto the kitchen counter. He of course expected the other to ask him to come to his hive and watch more movies and Karkat agreed. By the time both boys had traversed the short walk between the hives, John was shocked to find that the 5 cakes had been replaced by 20 new ones. The plan to sit and watch movies in the calm of John’s hive changed in an instant.

There was only one thing that could be done. Retribution by cake. They tossed cake after cake at Nektan’s hive, giggling as one hit a window and covered it in baby pink frosting. Both boys laughed, as John took a handful of frosting in his hand and splatted it into Karkat’s face. The wriggler stared and blinked a moment before a wide grin spread against his grey features. John's eyes widened as Karkat gracefully stood up, went to the pile of cakes yet to become projectile weapons of warfare and picked one up and dumped it on top of John's head. The thing collapsed, frosting falling on John's hair and horns and the rest landing on his lap. John couldn’t help but stare with his mouth wide open as Karkat took some of the cake in his lap and shoved it in John’s gaping hole.

They both got scolded for the mess they had made of themselves and of Nektan’s front yard. They were forced to clean it, spending the next three nights defrosting the hive. It was agony and by the time they were done John had blisters on his palms. Still, despite that, they had shared a few soft kisses under the light of the moon, both boys up to their knees in cake and frosting. He said he was fine with it though, as they stood there side by side, the outsides of their hands touching. They didn’t even need to hold hands to know how they felt and Karkat couldn’t help how nice and warm he felt, even as his small hand touched John’s frigid one.

Karkat’s wrigglerday came around, the short troll turning six. Karkat wasn’t expecting anything, he didn’t have any friends besides John. John always got him something extremely extravagant, even though he said he didn’t have to. He didn’t mind though, this was John, his palecrush and each gesture of affection felt nice. So when Karkat heard the doorbell ring, his head turned towards the offending block of wood and ran towards it, yanking the door open and jumping into a hug into John’s arms.

John had outdone himself with this gift. He came staggering out of the hug, grinning wide before reaching into his pocket and holding up a small box. Karkat was confused as he took it and opened it and his eyes widened. It was a simple gift really, plastic paper. Not just any plastic paper, it was a box with four train tickets to the capital. One for each boy and two for the lusus. Karkat had only ever been twice--and he knew it was pretty dangerous but he wasn't a little wriggler anymore, so he could handle it. He'd have John with him. Besides, he'd like to see anyone take on his lusus! He took a deep breath and tapped Crabdad's carapace with one finger, clenching sweaty palms over the tickets as his lusus swiveled around curiously. Karkat near launched himself into a hug and he felt John’s arms around him. They were going to the city!

At least he hoped he was, Crabdad could be overprotective at times. John didn’t stick around long, saying the tickets were booked for the next night and he had yet to pack and Karkat needed to do the same. He left without another word and Karkat stood there holding the box to his chest like it was a proposal. He wiped away a few tears beading up at the edges of his eyes and walked back inside, shutting the door behind him. His lusus was in the kitchen, cooking what looked like meat and Karkat walked up to him nervously.

"Um, Dad," Karkat squeaked bravely. "I have something to tell you, if you promise you won't get mad?” This worked about as well as expected. Crabdad's resonant screeches of fury echoed down the whole street for several hours, probably waking up everyone on the block within the first hour. Within the eighth, Karkat had fingers stuffed in both ears against the roars of parental wrath and was shouting back with all his might.

"Well, maybe you wouldn't be so worried if you weren't such a dumbass, because John likes me back, you big bag of _barnacle crusts_!"

After they had shouted at each other for virtually the full solar cycle and after Karkat had screamed his voice hoarse, Crabdad’s screeches had degenerated into furious hisses and Karkat's bellowing had been reduced to countless tears. The argument suddenly changed. One minute Karkat was yawning so hard fresh tears dripped down his cheeks and the next his lusus crowded close to him. Karkat slapped at the offending crab claws angrily--no, he was not giving his dad a hug; his dad was being such a dumbshit--and his head was gently patted. Alright, Crabdad was relenting.

_‘Alright, you can go.’_

"Really?" Karkat managed, wobbling a little with the force of the head pats.

 _‘Yes. I can see how important it is to you. You are important to me._ ’ Crabdad leaned down and gave his wriggler a nuzzle, his giant black eyes shut as Karkat reached up and embraced the giant crustacean. _‘Remember, little one, I find you so very precious.’_

 

***

 

The day of departure arrived sooner than expected and Karkat fumbled for his watch and let out a shriek of dismay. This late already? The train was going to leave without them!

"No!" He yelped and stumbled to his feet, only to find himself swept into the air by strong mandibles. Karkat flailed immediately, suspecting treachery. Was Crabdad's plan to make him miss the train?! To his surprise though, Crabdad leapt through the open window and began to bound along the roadside, Karkat bouncing gently against his chest on the way to the train station. Karkat hiccupped messily, sniffling as he hugged around his lusus’ neck. Best lusus.

"Thanks," the little troll croaked. "And you'll see. You'll see how great John is."

_‘I'm certain of that, little one.’_

Karkat was not _quite_ exhausted enough not to flail his way free when the station was actually in sight, John was not gonna see his soon-to-be moirail getting carried around like a naughty grub. He grinned in fierce delight at the sight of his best friend. John was waiting for them at the train station, all moonlight and grins, excited beyond all measure. Pale token gleaming on his chest, bags at his heels, giving Karkat the most swoon-worthy grin possible.

Karkat could not get on the train fast enough. He deflected all of John's questions about why he was late. None of that mattered anymore. Everything was going to be great from here on in. They boarded the train, their luggage swaying overhead in a net as the two boys chatted in an excited tone. He had told Karkat that he wanted to show him all the sights, the glamor of the big city. Karkat couldn’t help the soft smile that graced his face. He wanted to hold John's hand during the fireworks at midnight and kiss him gently under the light of the moon. He wanted to tell John how he felt. He was being way too obvious wasn’t he?

The ride felt like it took hours and as the two wrigglers grew tired, they grew silent and took to watching the sights pass by them in the window, at least that was what Karkat was doing. John couldn’t help but look at Karkat as he stared out the window, smiling like a dork. Karkat noticed of course, he always did. John put his hand on Karkat’s, only to hear a pissed off lusus screeching next to him, at which he kept his hands to himself. He passed out on John's shoulder with a little whimper of exhaustion hours out of the station and wouldn't wake until the train stopped, John didn’t seem to mind. John shook Karkat’s shoulder when they arrived and the redblooded troll blinked confused for a moment, before remembering where he was.

“We’re here. Want to help me get some of the luggage down? Our lusus have enough to carry as is. I mean, we’re staying here for three nights but think both of us over packed...” Karkat couldn’t help but nod as John grinned wide, his sharp buckteeth poking out over his lip. Something about that smile warmed Karkat right up and he sat up after rubbing his eyes before standing to help pull a suitcase down. They walked past busy streets, chatting as John checked the map to their hotel destination. They had spent the day traveling and deserved to rest.

He was still yawning helplessly when John was leading him to a hotel, the biggest one he'd ever seen, which rounded his eyes and woke him up for a few seconds. Not enough to dent his enthusiasm when there was a bed in sight though. John collapsed face first on the bed, not moving a good 30 seconds.

“So soft…” They had rented a room in a comfortable hotel for three nights. It would be a bit cramped with 2 trolls and 2 lusus inside but it would have to do. It was hard to arrange a room even with John’s blood color, just because he wanted to be with a lowblood. It was his choice, so...ugh. Karkat flopped down next to him, curling their legs together, barely conscious within the first few seconds. He was only viscerally aware of his lusus gently prying him off of the sleepy highblood and carrying him to a bed of his own, tucking him in. When they wake up, Karkat would definitely tell John they could finally be real moirails.

John despite falling asleep within MINUTES, woke up several times in the middle of the day. Horrorterrors, a phase a lot of trolls went through...mostly highbloods. Karkat was still asleep, curled up in fluffy blankets. “Hey. Mind if I sleep with you? I’m having bad dreams.” Karkat was in the process of very ferociously wresting his sleep back from the whims of the universe, the little guy was snuffling softly into his pillows and had the squish-eyed, tightly-curled look of deep exhaustion. He still shuffled awake at John's presence, coaxed by the welcome sound of his best friend's voice. Not quite up to words, he just kicked the blankets a little and tried to squirm out of the way. As John slipped an arm over him, Karkat gave a soft sigh of contentment. It just made sense to nestle under it, curling until his back rested against John's chest. He could count the breaths. A sleepy smile curled over his lips. Both didn’t wake again until night, John’s arm still over Karkat and both their legs tangled in thick blanket. John hugged Karkat while he still slept, kissing him on the cheek. Karkat opened an eye slowly and John couldn’t help but smile and kiss him as Karkat rolled to his side facing John.

“Evening.” John couldn’t help but beam sunlight at the other, hair in a mess and sleep still in his eyes. He played with Karkat’s curly hair and it felt nice, urging the smaller troll to lean towards Johns cool hands. “You look like a woolbeast.” He drifted a little, murmuring throaty hums at John's shifting (so wiggly!) until his eyes were finally coaxed open with the soft touch of lips on his own. Karkat chirred quietly and blinked slowly as John played with his hair.

"Hmm. You look like a... A John." Karkat butted their noses clumsily. "Keep doing that. I like that part. Okay?" They stayed like that for a little while before John drifted back off again and Karkat tumbled headfirst into the welcome of sleep. Mysteriously, Karkat woke up in separate beds again. Crabdad was prowling at the foot of his bed, seeming agitated. Probably because they were in the city. Crabdad didn't like crowds much. Karkat slung arms around his lusus, burbling sleepy reassurance. It took a little doing but soon both wrigglers were fed, dressed and reasonably awake.

It was time to face the city. Crabdad nudged Karkat a little to keep him aware but Karkat was already trying to show his lusus how responsible he'd be. While John and his lusus walked freely, Karkat and Crabdad crept through the shadows, movements liquid and fast, avoiding attention, keeping their backs to the escape routes, their footsteps light, their heads down. It wouldn't do to be seen. If they were, they had to escape. Karkat had played this game a lot over the sweeps and was particularly good at it now that he was bigger than a coffee bean and had a slightly more expansive attention span. It was pretty hard to pay enough attention to how he moved, though, when there were so many distractions. Smells and sights--and so much noise. Karkat didn't have to be quiet at all. He was completely drowned out by the sounds of so many trolls. Honestly, it was a little intimidating but he didn't want to look like a dork in front of John, so he hurried along and didn't flinch back from the crowds.

John however walked down the street like he owned it, confidence pouring out of every orifice. He kept glancing back at Karkat, hands on his hips and just being seen. He noticed John's face starting to flush with temper. The hurt glances he was aiming Karkat's way made Karkat's stomach churn. He didn't want to compete with him anymore. Suddenly Karkat wanted nothing but to pull John by the hand into a nice, dark corner and gently shoosh away any damaged feelings. Karkat stumbled a half step towards John, glancing up at his lusus curiously. Crabdad nudged him again.

 _‘Join the wriggler. You may walk at his pace. This once, I will allow it._ ’

Karkat couldn't question whatever was going on here when John looked so miserable. With a grateful smile for his lusus, Karkat bumped gently into John's side. A thrum of contentment spread from the contact and Karkat found it impossible not to stick to him, soon finding his hand curled into John's cooler one. The amount of gratitude that passed over John’s face when Karkat finally stopped playing the game and came out in the open was immeasurable. Karkat had to remind himself not to just rest his head on John's shoulder and just forget the rest of the world.

John couldn’t help as he moved his hand over to Karkat’s, the outside of their hands touching. He blushed a bit as he moved his hand into Karkat’s, entwining the fingers. John’s hand felt so lukewarm against his, he couldn’t help but give a sigh of contentment. John rested his head against the other’s shoulder a moment as they walked. Karkat wouldn't have done anything to make him move away, just held his breath and tried not to blush while John's breath tickled his shoulder. Well, until he heard an aw and he pulled away far too quickly, blue spread all over his cheeks. How embarrassing. Karkat loved this troll so much. He'd been wrong before, hadn't he? When he thought it was serendipity and true pity. This feeling just kept getting bigger, every time Karkat thought he was at the pinnacle, John made his head spin all over again. John got over his embarrassment rather quickly however, having just made it another half a street over before holding Karkat’s hand again. It felt nice and he couldn’t help but lead him towards their destination, their lusus following behind chirring and clacking away.

"Where are we going today?" Karkat had asked this morning. John had said it was a surprise. Karkat's heart kept fluttering whenever he thought about it. He wasn’t that much of a hopeless romantic was he? Holding his pitycrushe’s hand while the other led his feet across the cobblestone pavement. He swore he was seeing diamonds in his vision every time he looked down at their clasped hands.

Either way, they made it to their destination. The biggest toyshop in all the capital, flashy lights advertising the treasures inside. There was a giant stuffed bear at the entrance, almost as big as a lusus, it’s arms holding a sign towards the door with a flashing neon green light encouraging people to enter. Well, those on the right spot on the hemospectrum anyways. But it would be alright, John was with him. He didn’t have to worry about being kicked out, all because John wanted him there. Besides, John was paying and he could afford a few toys for not only Karkat but for himself as well.

Money worked in one way on Alternia. The highbloods had more, while the lowbloods had less. Of course, it all depended on your ancestors, who funded their descendant with funds, a patreon. Not many knew exactly who their ancestor was but it was sort of like a guessing game. He figured John’s was rich and into boats, a small scale model coming in the mail every sweep on the week of his wrigglingday. He didn’t question it but --It made him wonder who helped him. The boy despite being a lowblood, lived pretty well off; their neighborhood wasn’t poor by any means. Maybe his ancestor ran some sort of low blooded underground drug ring? He didn’t know but he liked to imagine. At least it had been that way once, until they had fled across the continent multiple times, any chance of Karkat being identified or tracked was gone. He was effectively a genetic orphan, even if he'd ever had a patron.

John grinned back at Karkat as he led the other inside, a bell chiming to announce their presence. He turned back and saw that yes, their lusus did follow inside. An oliveblooded lady bowed to them as the two wrigglers went in, their eyes wide in awe. Karkat’s eyeballs felt like they would explode out of his head in a cartoonish manner and John had the dumbest grin on his face. Karkat wanted to kiss it right off.

It was weird Karkat discovered, as nervous chills crawled up his spine, to just let people look at him. The other children eyed him and the shopkeepers glared and even the toys felt like they were staring after a while. Karkat clung to John's hand for safety, letting himself be wooed by the plushies and bright colors and the sparkle in his maybe-moirail's eye. Honestly, it was easier to look at John than anything else in here. He was easily the best thing around and Karkat was grinning so hard, so smug about his find, twining their fingers. The boys went in further, exploring the vast shop and the treasures it held. John held up a giant fluffy crab to Karkat, who looked at it and grabbed it out of the other’s hand, nodding happily. Alright, they were getting that.

They were having a blast, going through the toys, eating candy that John bought and nothing could last could it? An older troll came up to them, wrinkles on his face.

“Excuse me but is he...” He motioned to Karkat. “...with you? Someone said they saw a lowblood in the shop and were growing concerned.”   
John frowned as he lowered the model soldier in his hand. “Yeah, why? What’s wrong?”  
The elder troll shook his head. “It’s nothing if he’s with you, just under normal circumstances those under Jade are not permitted within the store. That one…” He glanced at Karkat again. “Has red in his eyes. It’s like dragging trash into a fine restaurant and eating it. I don’t want street urchins in my fine establishment.”

He made a face of disgust, holding the bridges of his nose. John put the soldier down, disgusted by how hemocastist the guy was. “Well, it’s nice to know where some people’s priorities lie. Holding up a reputation is important and all.” His voice was full of abhorrence, as he turned towards Karkat. “I think we’re done here.”

Wow, this old man just did not get it! Look at what Karkat had in his hand and try to call him poor or low or anything else. Crabdad hissed threateningly at the offender and John was plainly furious but all Karkat was concerned about was being surrounded by family that loved him and he loved them back. He was still beaming by the time they left the store, completely unbothered by what anyone else could tell him because HE HAD JOHN. Everything else just rolled off like water droplets on a quackbeast's back. John shot a pitying look at Karkat as they exited the store, squeezing the other’s hand.

“Why did adults only see people as a color? When you’re just...so much more? At least to me…” John’s face had turned from cheerful wriggler glee, to cold distance. He looked like he was holding back tears and Karkat wanted to stop and cup the other’s face and tell him it’s alright. He knew John wanted nothing more than to go back and punch the store owner but couldn’t. John ended up stopping near an alleyway, hugging Karkat and bringing him close.

  
“Don’t let those words hurt you. Don’t let anyone’s words ever hurt you. Not even mine. I’m in way too much pity with you. I can’t bear to see you treated like that. Never let anyone treat you like that. You’re so much better and...and fuck.”

"It's okay," Karkat tried to tell him, helpless joy bubbling into his tone, "It's really okay. I'm--" Karkat had to stifle a purr when his sweet, wonderful, protective pale crush pulled him into his arms. John kissed Karkat, blue tears streaming down his face. Karkat had never been so romantic in front of Crabdad before but Karkat wanted his lusus to see. Just look at this troll Karkat loved so much.

They kissed, Karkat's heart soared all the way up past the clouds and he heard himself give the strangest chirp, throaty and humming low in his chest, arms around John's shoulders like he'd seen in a movie once. It didn't feel like faking, it felt right. Karkat pulled away with a smug, dazed grin and John's words made him freeze.

“I’m flushed for you and I just want to see you happy.”

"Um," Karkat said and gave a hiccup of a laugh, nervous. "O-okay. Vacillation. That's a thing. Um." His cheeks burned suddenly. His face fell.

_Oh shit. Had he just... kissed John... flushed?_

"I'm pale for you," Karkat blurted, words tripping off his tongue in an icy panic. "I--um--be my moirail? Please? I like you."

John’s face fell when those words left Karkat’s lips. Karkat couldn’t be sure but he felt like his stomach had risen up to his throat and he was choking, John just looked like his thinkpan had been broken. John couldn’t help but stare at Karkat. But he couldn’t have that as an answer, pulling away and shaking his head frantically as tears welled up in his eyes.

Karkat didn’t want to see him cry, that was a wriggler thing to do. He watched as John was shaking, his hands balled up into fists.

“You can’t mean that. You’re pale? You’re fucking pale? I can’t fucking believe it. You fucking kissed me and you’re telling me that was pale?!” John exclaimed as he was on the verge of a highblood rage, trying his best to stay calm. It looked like he was trying his best to not get mad at Karkat. Though, he couldn’t the moment he looked at Karkat’s wide eyes and pulled him close, his claws nearly digging into Karkat’s shoulders.

There was nothing to question about what was between him and John. This was his best friend. The pale of his life, teaching him a fresh pity stirring every time he heard John's voice. The one who stood up for him, who brought him lopsided cakes and brilliant grins, the first hand Karkat had ever tried to hold. This was the troll Karkat always wanted at his side. His life had come with a John-shaped hole in it, right? It was one thing to think, with all the drama of first love and impulsive youth, that he needed John.  
“Look at me. Look at me like you mean it and tell me you’re pale. I don’t believe it one bit.”

“John I--”

He said the words and meant them so much he was shivering from the weight they held. This was the moment John said yes and they would be pale forever and ever. This was when he sealed his fate to be happy forever but no, Karkat found out he needed John instead. He knew because John's face fell when Karkat confessed and Karkat was sorry for having this crush.

He didn't know if John was really flushed, or if this was, what, romantic vacillation just because they were SO pale, so close that they couldn't help it if a little mating fondness slipped in there? Maybe John didn't feel anything at all and it was like the troll in the store had said. Karkat was just some lowblood. He had tunnel vision for how hurt John looked. Karkat wanted to cry but that would call a lot of attention to him and right now, holy shit, he just wanted to disappear. Why was John wearing his token, if he didn't feel that way? Why hadn't John just said, any one of the times Karkat was flirting, that he didn't want to be pale--?

Because Karkat had never told him. He stumbled a half-step back from the anger in John's voice but he didn't make it far before he was yanked in close and he really did try. He gave it his best effort because John WAS his best friend, so he tried to not feel anything and be platonic in those cool arms. But his heart fluttered and he was so busy swallowing another faltering chirp that he couldn't keep his cheek from nuzzling against the troll for comfort. John's claws hurt and so did Karkat's whole chest. God, crying felt so fucking cheap.

"I'm sorry," Karkat spluttered, flailing free from John's arms. "I'm sorry that I'm pale for you." His fingers knotted in the edge of his sweater. "Just--can't I calm you down at all? Won't you let me? I really pity you." Karkat bit his lip to choke back a sob. "I wouldn't be a bad moirail!"

“You wouldn’t be a bad matesprit either! And no...you can’t. I’m having a hard time not breaking down and...fuck. I can’t stay mad at you, it makes me feel sick and...I fuck. Why can’t you just feel the same?” He couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, blue running down his cheeks. The wriggler was crying not just sad tears but tears of anger. John trembled, pulling the other close into his arms. Karkat's hand was halfway up even though John told him no. John was crying and Karkat felt like everything in his chest had just gone through a woodchipper. Why the fuck was John allowed to say that all of a sudden, no more touching? So when John yanked, Karkat sank into his arms with a trembling purr. He couldn't keep from wrapping his arms tightly around John.

_This jerk. This asshole. He couldn't make me need to hold him so bad and then just --just take it BACK --_

"I can't be your matesprit," Karkat whined. "I'm not flushed for you and you have to have _mutual flush_. Dammit, John, did you sleep through every single romcom? What have I told you about the sanctity of the q-quadrants.." The tears were heaving out again and Karkat pressed his head into John's shoulder to cry. "...S-so you can't be... you don't..."

_Don't pity me pale. Won't ever. Karkat bit his lip to stifle a noisy sob._

“Dammit Karkat...I thought after 4 fucking sweeps you would know how I felt. The kisses, the movie nights..everything. I thought I was pale but...I’m not. I don’t think I can ever be for you. I’m flushed and I can’t change that. Please Karkat...please tell me you feel the same…I mean...this can’t be pale. There just...it can’t be.”

It didn't help that everything John said all those years, all those late days, was exactly what pale felt like. Karkat wanted to believe that if he was just the best moirail he could be, everything would work out. Karkat didn't want to think that if he told John “no” to being matesprits, those things would end. Maybe he was too mature. Maybe Karkat just wanted to hide somewhere dark and safe. But he couldn't get the words out and in the end, he didn't have to.

Karkat glanced down at John’s claws, still digging into his skin. He wasn’t being careful, it was like he forgot how to touch gently. He could smell blood and watched as John brought his face into Karkat’s shirt, sobbing into it. Why did this hurt him like this? Karkat wanted to say something but he didn’t get the chance. The minute his blood spilled, his lusus had Karkat bundled away from the young highblood, tucked in tight to his guardian's carapace, away from view and any small pinpricks of blood were fully concealed. Crabdad screed sharply at John to dissuade any attempts to follow and then stormed out of the alley like a one-crab wrecking ball. Crabdad had a fucking heartbroken wriggler and NO PATIENCE for any bullshit. Karkat was not ashamed of the fact that he spent the trip back huddled to his lusus' broad chest, sobbing them both into a state of intense sogginess.

No. He was completely fucking mortified, clutching onto the hard arms of his lusus, his gaze focused on his knees as they briskly traveled. _What am I, two sweeps old? Was this how any future threshecutioner slash love expert slash imperial admiral should act? No! This was for babies! Oh god, no wonder John doesn’t like me._

By the time he had been brought up to the hotel room, Karkat was desperately recapping the events he and his lusus had both just witnessed, hiccupping against his gently chirring guardian.

John had said 'not ever' and that kissing was bad and had cried because Karkat was horrible and his life was over. By the second flight of stairs, Crabdad had a heavy claw pressing Karkat close. It was either a gesture of comfort, or designed to muffle hysterical wriggler wailing before it permanently damaged everyone's eardrums. The hotel room was, when Karkat managed to pry his head away from the damp streak on Crabdad's carapace, empty. John wasn't there.

 _And what,_ Karkat wondered, _if he wasn't coming back? What if he just--what if he never forgave Karkat and tomorrow morning they'd be kicked out of the room and walk home and Crabdad would have been right about John all along, except not, because this was all Karkat's fault?_

His lusus hefted the deflated scrap of redblood in his mandibles, leaving Karkat to hiccup and whimper while the crustacean bustled around in the ablution block, gathering first aid supplies. Crabdad quickly and efficiently cleaned and patched up his wriggler, flushing anything with the slightest stain of blood down the gaper. When Karkat's physical injuries were tended to and his safety ensured, Crabdad unlocked the ablution block door and trundled out. Karkat found himself deposited in a sniffling heap on the ground. He quickly drew in on himself, hiding behind his knees with shaking arms plastered over his head between his horns in an effort not to cry so loud. Crabdad made short work of the beds and once he had gathered all the blankets available, they were dumped on top of his distressed wriggler. Crabdad burrowed under with him. The weight and dark and warmth slowed Karkat's sobs better than a drug.

Any crab lusus burrowed in times of danger and distress. One that had recently found itself in possession of a tiny, burbling mutant that the world wanted to stamp into a messy carpet smear tended to spend a lot of time burrowing. This wasn't as good as real sand but it would do. To Karkat, this was practically the bedding of childhood, cradle and all. His lusus bundled him close, gnawing gently on a rounded horn. Karkat shuddered and offered the saddest, dwindling little purr. Karkat made it about three minutes of manly stoicism; then he threw his arms around his lusus and bawled.

Karkat knotted shaking hands in his blanket nest and then forced himself still, allowing his lusus to settle as well. Crabdad wouldn't disturb his resting wriggler and so, agitated as the crab was, he contented himself with gentle gnawing against Karkat's horn. Karkat chirred helplessly. He couldn't... quit hearing John tell Karkat. Not allowed to touch.

 _He'd said never. What if he meant it? What if I’m in pity with him for nothing, if I just had to feel like this and John never wanted to --?_ Just imagining it made Karkat shake but he couldn't keep crying. He needed to figure out how to stop, his eyes hurt. He bit his lip hard and strained to be still. His chirps were taking on a thin, pleading sound. He was calling for the person he wanted to be holding. How romantic.

...How awful.

 

***

 

John couldn’t handle it when Karkat ran, standing there like a heartbroken wriggler. He felt blue tears well up and he wiped them away, Karkat's blood smearing away with each wipe of his face. Snot and tears dribbled down his face like it was the end of the world. He fell to his knees, the city dirt and dust getting on his pants and turning the pale blue jeans brown at the knees. He was hurting and nothing could stop it. John still had the toys on him and he picked up the bag, pulling the crab he had bought Karkat out. He growled, wanting to tear it’s head off. He was shaking as he forced himself to put it back, settling on tearing three teddybears heads off instead and tossing them aside. He would head back to the hotel room, wait for Karkat and try again when both of them had cleared their heads. Karkat’s words, pale, dug in deeper in his heart than any knife could.

John’s lusus had to outright force the wriggler back to the hotel, John had almost stayed out until sunrise brooding. He had screamed at him, tossing the headless teddy bear at his lusus, making a commotion. He had been stared at but then people saw the blue tears streaming down his face and just kept walking, seeing it as nothing more than a wriggler having a highblood rage. It was common enough that they paid no mind to it, as long as the child didn’t hurt those above him on the spectrum. Lowbloods avoided him of course, not wanting to be hurt. Culling at this point was illegal, the population was diminishing with each sweep. It was around the time his lusus put his big furry paw on his shoulder that made him sniffle, looking at the giant rabbit and hugging him.

_It still hurts. Karkat feels pity for me alright- but not the same kind I feel for him. Not entirely anyways. Maybe he felt both kinds? I had no idea. After all, the quadrants were an ideal and they had been falling apart. Maybe they could be both kinds of pity? A pink diamond...or a pink heart. I don’t know. I just know that I can’t stand having hurt Karkat like that._

But he didn’t want to be around the other wriggler either, he was still hurting, sniffling as he held his lusus’ hand as they walked back to the hotel. John had tossed the ripped teddybears and crushed toys, feeling bad about what he had done. He still had the giant stuffed crab though and he planned to give it to Karkat both as a peace offering and because he wanted the other to have it.

The front door slammed open and Karkat nearly bolted out from under the blanket pile. He flinched halfway upright and froze there, heart reeling.

"J...John?" Karkat’s lusus hissed warningly but John had never listened to anybody, he wasn’t about to start now. He just about bowled Karkat over, his whole body shook with sobs and he squeezed Karkat tight. Karkat's chirps died into exhausted panting. John was holding back tears in for maybe thirty seconds. When they spilled, he couldn't see straight anymore, even though he'd been so relieved to see Karkat.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you. I can’t hurt you! Fuck Karkat I pity you so much it’s downright painful! Damnit…” He was a sobbing shaky mess and...Karkat just wrapped his arms around him and shooshed him, calming him down. He pulled away after a while, wiping away his blue tears.

His hands were on John's face with barely the second word, though, pity burning through him until Karkat had to shoosh helplessly at the wrenching sobs coming out of his best friend. "Please," Karkat croaked at him. "Please shoosh. Shh. I'd rather it be me than you shhhh... Don't say sorry, just feel better."

“Karkat...why can’t we do both? Quadrants are a load of shit anyways...they’re just in movies and...we’re not movies. We’re real life. I want to be pale and flushed with you!” He couldn’t help but look at the other with tears welling up in his eyes, trembling a bit. He couldn’t handle another no, not when the last one had been not so long ago. He knew Karkat wouldn’t ever have thought of defying the quadrants and all the sweet, pure romances Karkat had adored since that first movie marathon. He'd swore he'd never do that…

"Yes," Karkat blurted. "Okay. We can be both, just..." He tucked his head into the highblood's shoulder, tugging John down with him into the blankets. "...just don't go away." He couldn't stop shaking. "Promise. Even if I touch you or kiss you, you still have to be my friend. I'll say sorry and try not to anymore but you have to be mine."

John looked down at the other, his frigid hands moving on top of Karkat’s, a soft smile washing over his features. The last of his tears were spent, the few remaining droplets of blue falling off his chin. At Karkat’s words, the single word, the single yes, John’s heart felt like it had turned into melted butter. That yes was all he needed to hear and he leaned his forehead against Karkat’s, smiling his trademark grin.

“Of course. I’ll be yours forever. I pity you forever and ever. Both pale and flushed.” Quadrants were a lie, they didn’t exist anymore. Not with the redblood system anyway. Society didn’t follow such things anymore, so why should he? Being in both pity quadrants was nothing and he was content with that. Being both with Karkat, was a dream.

Crabdad wasn’t too happy about their confession, screeching about how Karkat was getting in too deep and to get away from John. John couldn’t understand Crabdad but he understood his own lusus, who seemed happy for him. Hopdad was the best. Eventually Hopdad corralled Crabdad away, no doubt trying to calm him down, letting the two wrigglers have their moment.

John found himself purring, his head moving to Karkat’s shoulder and resting there. His hands had ended up around the other’s waist, just holding the smaller troll. It was a mixed gesture really, both pale and flushed and it felt right. Like they belonged this way. They stayed this way for a while, until both wrigglers were calm, serene, letting their official quadrants sink in. Both flushed and pale, it was too good to be true.

The palest thing Karkat could have done was say yes, right? You weren't ever supposed to lie to your moirail but John's smile was back where it belonged now. If Karkat acted like a good matesprit, if he did everything John wanted, it would be okay to be pale too.

John pulled away, still looking at Karkat who had leaned back into the pile, relaxed as his arms rested around John’s back. John leaned over Karkat and kissed him flushed on the lips gently. Karkat’s lips felt great, they always had. But it seemed that Karkat was finally seeing him as a flush, the way John had wanted him to as his thin ashen lips parted and John found himself gently nibbling on the others lips.

They already were both quadrants. Karkat's eyes slumped closed and his head bowed into John's shoulder the moment they drew close. Karkat eventually opened his mouth to the softness of John's. He thought that John might want it a little more flushed, like he'd read in the magazines. He was right as he tasted his best friend until he shivered and his stomach was in somersaults before the end. It felt good.

This was their first flushed act, making out on a pile, nothing serious. It was just gentle kisses with the occasional tongue and it felt good. Hours passed this way, stolen kisses, random chatting. John had given the giant stuffed crab to Karkat and rested his rounded chin on it. He couldn’t help but think how cute the other looked like this, so calm and pristine. Perfect.He leaned back towards the other, resting his head on the his shoulder. This was nice.

The rest of the night flew by and before they knew it, daybreak was upon them and both preteens went to their respective beds. John had originally wanted to share, not like they hadn’t slept on the same mattress before but now was different. Neither of their lusus would allow it. John sent a sad look at Karkat as he lay in his own bed, before eventually falling asleep.

Two more days in the big city, Two more days spent with Karkat. Two days of pure perfection. Nothing could ruin it.

John brought up seeing a movie and even if it was routine, it was in a theater, something Karkat had never been to. The prices were expensive and Karkat had to rub his eyes to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating the prices. John had the money though and he didn’t mind paying, even through Karkat’s protests. Karkat had proceeded to agonize for the entirety over the next morning about whether their movie adventure counted as a date. John rolled his eyes as Karkat ranted about it.

“What quadrant was this date in? Could we date in both quadrants at the same time? Did they need to alternate gestures, or was it like an every other hour Karkat got to be John's moirail? I need to take notes.” He brought a notebook with the express purpose of spending the day hunched over it and writing down all the quadrant signs that were most apparent to a six sweep wriggler.

A new superhero movie had come out and even if it was a cliché where the hero fell in love with the main support, it was still action packed enough to fulfill both wrigglers needs. John had bought the largest tub of popcorn available as well as soda. Halfway through the movie, John was keeping his legs crossed and praying for a boring sequence. Oh good, a flashback scene. He leaned over to Karkat.

“I’ll be back, I need to pee.”

He near ran to the closest restroom, barely making it in time before he locked himself into one of the stalls, unzipped his pants and sat down on the loadgapper. It was then he overheard voices talking.

“Yeah, I heard they found another redblood. No idea why they keep trying to run. Like, they’re doing us good right? Keeping us from dying out. I don’t see what the big deal is with people wanting them to get the choice. Like, the government takes care of them. Feeds ‘em and cloths them all they want. All they have to do is breed.”

“I know what you mean. Did you hear they lost track of a redblood wriggler a few sweeps back?”

“Yeah, wasn’t it a big deal or some since they still can’t find them.”

“Eh, they’ll find ‘em. Moment that guy starts to smell like redblood, they’ll find him.”

John had been listening in and holding his bladder. Up until the door shut and it came out in one big stream. He sat there thinking a bit, his butt still sitting atop the porcelain throne. Redbloods were breeders right? They kept their species alive, so why was that redblood being selfish? It made no sense. John took a deep breath and wiped before going to the sink to quickly wash his hands and head back to the theater. He came back to Karkat not having budged an inch with his hand in the popcorn tub and watching one of the many romance scenes. Of course Karkat was into it and he couldn’t help but smile as he sat back down and took his own handful of popcorn and tossed it into his open mouth. Mmmm…buttery.

As all movies tended to do, it ended and the lights went on. Karkat seemed disappointed that it had ended. So was John. Who the fuck ends a movie with a cliffhanger? Terrible trolls, that’s who. John complained about it all the way out of the theater and down the busy streets. He didn’t even notice the crowd of trolls and bumped into an adult. He rubbed his nose as he took a step back, glancing up at the huge roundup of trolls. John looked at Karkat confused, taking his matesprit’s hand and pushing through the crowd, wanting to see what was so important that it had caused a horde of trolls to freeze middle of the street.

When they got there, there were three redbloods laying on what looked like some sort of large recliner with leather straps on the armrests, preventing the redbloods from moving their arms. The redbloods had their pants missing, their nooks and bulges exposed to the world.

Karkat crashed into John’s shoulder, both their eyes wide in horror. John’s thoughts crashed to a halt. He had never learned what a breeding platform looked like, or what mating looked like when the screen didn't just fade to black. Two of the trolls were currently being fucked by bigger, taller trolls with their pants around their ankles, while the third looked like they were preparing to take another dosage of slurry. It was a group of public breeder nooks. They were squealing, these trolls caught under the bulk of adults. Short, high-pitched cries, like screams that got cut off with every thrust. They were so obviously animal noises that John couldn't imagine these trolls talking, ever. Nothing in their faces that wasn't mindless. They drooled, limp and bloated with slurry beneath trolls that looked delighted with what they saw. One climbed off as Karkat buried his head in John’s shoulder shocked--and another all but tackled the unmoving breeder left behind, dropping his pants in no time. John knew these platforms existed, everyone did. But he did not want to see it! He squeezed Karkat’s hand and looked at the other troll.

“Let’s go. This is kind of gross and not something I want to see for at least four more sweeps.”

 [ __](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/358e9f_67ce25418b484f3ab7e93b2be9c754ba~mv2.jpg/v1/fill/w_1280,h_720,al_c,q_90/358e9f_67ce25418b484f3ab7e93b2be9c754ba~mv2.webp)

 

***

 

Karkat touched his own cheek. Suddenly, the little troll felt overheated and sick. This one on the far right was crying. Well, sort of. She had all the expression of a corpse but there were tears. They rolled down her cheeks red and bright and exactly like Karkat's. John turned to him. There was this roar in his ears though Karkat couldn't hear a word. He was watching John's lips move and he kept blinking, why the fuck couldn't he stop blinking?

_What was...why were his eyes burning? He couldn't cry here. That was...that was. One of Crabdad's rules. Karkat knew the rules. Th-the game. Karkat was good at their game. OH GOD, HE WAS GOING TO BE SICK._

He snapped his hand from John and thrashed against the crowd. Away, as far away as possible. His lusus' grim expression towered above them all and Karkat hyperventilated, trying to reach him. Crabdad had been waiting. Broad, powerful limbs thrust the adults apart, clearing a way for the panicking wriggler until Karkat was able to press himself against cool carapace, lean there to shudder and gag. Nothing came out.

It needs OUT. Karkat wanted everything out of him. The bricks in his stomach, the air searing in his lungs, the mutant blood in his veins. He was retching too hard, his eyes would water. He didn't realize his legs were moving until the sounds of the crowd were gone and it was just him and his lusus in some abandoned corner. Karkat finally managed to throw up and Crabdad caught him before he collapsed straight into the hard-earned sick. Karkat dangled, as limp as--

_No no no stop thinking about it no no no._

"Why," he croaked. "Why did you make me see that? Why didn’t you stop John when you realized where we...where we were going?”

His lusus didn't answer. They were alone, Karkat realized. Crabdad had taken them somewhere safe so Karkat could break to pieces if he was going to. No one would see his blood or tears. Funniest thing, though; he was trying now. Straining, panting as he did, grinding his fists into his eyes. He just couldn't cry a damn one.

His lusus only said, _'Because you are like them, wriggler.'_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapters artwork was really inconsistant since I'm still deciding on a style for it- But yeah- figured out basically how I want to shade. Just inking is kind of on the "Idk wtf I am doing" side. 2 of those panels were really hard to do and yup.  
> I have had a few asks wondering about what to tag for fanart...uhm...either nheafic or rainekitty works. Also. I will not be posting the NSFW panels onto my blog, they are private posts as I do not want them spreading --please respect that. There will be more NSFW panels in the future...and some of them will get rather sexual. Also I am never drawing a background that complex ever again. Holy shit...it took me a week just for that 1 panel. OMFG.  
> I did have a friend help me with the last panel shading/coloring due to the fact I don't really like drawing porn?  
> But yes. The flashback is really long and terrible. Next chapter won't have a lot of drawings since 6 in this chapter wore me out and I don't think I want to do it again. Maybe 3-4 max? -shrug- Also 7 and 8 have mostly been written just...tons of editing. My poor innocent beta.  
> Chapter 1 has one additional image now. Dave is a cutiepie. Davekat will resume in chapter 9.
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	7. John Part 3: The Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Returning from the city was no easy thing, and neither were the emotions after that. Karkat couldn't be around John, not while he was this weak, this vulnerable to the fate he denied. He would train everyday, fight it. Fight it until he broke. But even then, how could he cut John out of his life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This particular chapter contains violence, some abuse, and swooning, as well as subjects of a sexual manner. There is mention of xenobiology, but that won't really be explored until later.  
> 

Growing up had been unfair in his mind, learning about the evils of the world. The innocence of childhood had left him and in all honesty, he wished it could have remained. Crabdad had sheltered him for so long and Karkat was honestly grateful when the veil had been lifted from his eyes, even if it felt like a dagger had been thrown at his chest and left there impaling him. It had hurt, yes. It burned his soul as hot and blazing as the sun. Bright red, red like the cursed blood that flowed in his veins. If only he had been so lucky to be born as anything but this.

But that was the cards he was dealt, a cruel dealer had handed him a royal flush of pure bullshit and there wasn’t much he could do about the draw except bluff his way through it. Dave couldn’t either and as the days and months passed, Karkat wished he could punch the ever spinning gears of time to make it stop, giving him more time to figure out what to do. He knew what Dave was going through, the pain and how much anguish he was suffering. Normal trolls got a single dose of the sour grape tasting medicine of puberty. Mutants? They got that as well as a heaping portion of rancid refuse served on a flimsy paper plate, which they had to hold and pray the middle didn’t rip and send skid marks down their pants.

Karkat had no doubt about it. Dave was growing up and while he seemed completely clueless, Karkat noticed. Karkat was on the training ground every day, working himself into utter exhaustion. No one tried to spar with him anymore, because Karkat's control for holding back was pretty much not there. He could smell something like heaven in the air half of the time and more wrigglers than he wanted to admit were showing signs that they were too big for the orphanage. Dave acted oblivious, continuing on in the day like nothing was wrong and he was still six sweeps old. Basically, Karkat was triple checking the security on Dave's room, making sure no one including himself could possibly get in.

OH YEAH AND NOW MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO HAVE A DISCUSSION WITH THE OTHER REDBLOOD. Which wasn't fair, dammit, because Karkat did want Dave to be a kid. He didn't want this to be an issue but it was becoming a pretty major one because Karkat was testing his reactions against the other kids. There wasn't a difference. When Dave's heat landed for real, Karkat was going to need to be locked away from him and it was getting increasingly less likely that he'd be able to give Dave the calm, thorough discussion he deserved on what his body was going to put him through unless Dave got his shit together now. On an unrelated note, Karkat was running out of creative ways to curse at people. He'd been doing that a lot.

 

***

 

“Karkat?!”

John howled after him but Karkat wasn’t going to stop, not even for John. He had to keep running; put one shaky leg in front of the other. There were too many trolls here and he realized just how small he was, how small his world had been. John had been his world and nothing else mattered. All he had seen was adults filling the redbloods with slurry, not their faces which seemed to blur in his mind. The redblood’s features were blurry and he wondered if his glasses had fallen off or something but no, that was just his vision. He was trying so hard not to cry, wiping any tears forming at the edges of his eyes away. He couldn’t be seen, couldn’t be found out. What if they took him and strapped him to the chair? He understood the game now.

Karkat got what his parent was trying to impart by saying 'they are like you.' He glared balefully at the back of his lusus carapace as Crabdad led the way back. It was fucking amazing how much Karkat suddenly understood. Like he'd been waiting his whole life to watch a bunch of trolls fucking breeder nooks.

_They are like you; John is not._

Well, this solved the great shitty mystery of why Karkat's lusus had suddenly agreed to let him go on this trip, right? He must have planned it from the beginning. Karkat was going to assume that since John was so fucking comfortable with the notion of redblood usage, this wasn't an uncommon practice. Maybe every city had a couple. Karkat wouldn't know. Crabdad had done such a stellar job of keeping all mentions out of his schoolfeeds up until now. He was probably really proud of himself. As Karkat glared, Crabdad picked his way along the streets quietly, no longer making an effort to touch or speak to his wriggler, especially after the first time Karkat had smacked him away and bellowed with rage.

Karkat had no idea how long he had been running, as he saw the starting rays of sunrise start to peak over the horizon and frowned. His legs hurt, his arms hurt, his chest really hurt but he needed to rest. He just… needed to get back inside.

The hotel. He didn’t want to, John was there. He'd rather stay out here and burn. He didn’t get the chance. Crabdad commanded Karkat to come back to the hotel room. Karkat had made a really good attempt to storm out of the alley alone but Crabdad picked him up faster than the panicking wriggler could run and despite and kicks and punches thrown, kept carrying him towards the hotel. The giant crab had an endless supply of patience. The sun was rising. Karkat didn't care if it fried them both but Crabdad had threatened to drag him and the thought of touching anyone --of being unable to move, to run was too nightmarish for the wriggler to contemplate right now and he'd begged to walk on his own instead.

Wish fucking granted. Crabdad opened the door and stood aside to let Karkat in. The lights were off and John was in the bed and strangely enough, his hand was wrapped up. Had him running made John mad and punch something? Was he mad because he had lost track of Karkat and he wanted to… to… no. Not John. Karkat's eyes drifted past the other wriggler, not wanting to think about it. He didn't feel anything. He just knew he wasn't going to sleep, because the images of breeding redbloods were engraved in his eyelids.

_Maybe there was a book --No. Shit. All I had were romances… wanted to fucking burn them._

Karkat trudged inside and stared at the bed for a moment. Too soft. Same with the chairs. Upholstered. Padded like breeding platforms; No no no no --Karkat crumpled himself into a corner. He smelled like stale sweat and vomit and every part of him hurt but he didn't care. All that mattered was nightfall; the sooner night came, the sooner he could leave. He couldn't bear to stay in the city for another second.

From on top of the bed, the stuffed crab smiled goofily at Karkat. It had been so soft in his hands, warmer the longer he cuddled it, a perfect fit in his arms. Red. He wanted to burn that too. He wedged his eyes shut against the sight and tried to cram his thinkpan full of black nothingness. If he just shut his eyes it would all just go away.

Then John woke in the middle of the day to find Karkat sleeping in a corner, dried tears on his face. The lowblooded wriggler looked like he had a rough day, dark bags under his eyelids. He gave a sigh of relief, sliding out of bed and crouching next to Karkat, shaking his shoulder. “You alright?”

No. Karkat was not alright and he pushed John’s hands away like they were daggers, he couldn’t be touched, not by John. It hurt like a wrench to the guts as he kept trying to get Karkat to open up to him. Karkat didn’t want to and merely turned away from John whenever the highblood insisted on talking to him. Over and over, he tried to talk to him but Karkat barely answered and Crabdad's training came in handy. It was easy to keep himself out of grabbing distance without making it look like he was running away. He wanted to leave. He didn't want to be around any of these assholes, especially not John whose eyes were full of poisonous concern or Crabdad, who Karkat wouldn't look at all. But the walk back turned out to be too long for a wriggler without a suncloak, so he was forced to wait out the day, tolerate John trying to speak to him and walk among adults with cold, terror sweating down his neck. John just sort of gave up around the time they had to ride the train back to their little corner of the globe.

He didn't sleep. He couldn't do that anymore than he could cry, it seemed like. He'd tried to smile in the bathroom last morning, curious. All he did was giggle, face twisted like it was in pain and he stopped shortly afterwards. They boarded the train and he made sure to sit as far away from everyone as possible, hugging himself inward. Soon he'd be home and he could run away from all of them. He never wanted to see them again.

John kept trying to start up a conversation and kept making this sound that sounded like a bug was lodged in his throat. He clearly had no idea what was causing Karkat such pain. He took a deep breath as he looked at Karkat who was huddled up with his knees to his chest in the other side of the compartment.

“Ok. You were like this all of yesterday and you’re still like this right now. Can you tell me what’s wrong? It hurts to see you like this… and I feel like I’m all diamonds for you right now.” He yelped as the train drove over something, sending everyone a few feet in the air. John’s head hit the ceiling and he winced, rubbing his left horn in pain. “Okay...Ow. Still. Question stands. What’s wrong?” Karkat glanced at him, remaining silent. It was hard to breathe and that was that; he didn’t even want to give a reply. John kept trying to ask through the seven hour train ride but to no avail. By the time they got to the station and unloaded their belongings with the help of tall and big lusus. John looked drained and Karkat felt dead.

When he got back home, Karkat immediately locked himself in his block. He paced constantly, between episodes of lying down in some vain hope that sleep was going to start happening again. It didn't come, his eyes peeled themselves back open every time and he'd be up and checking his irises in the mirror again, snarling about each any every flake of red. Back to pacing, up and down the room, back and forth, wearing a groove into it. The room was trashed, even if Karkat couldn't remember doing it. It got a little more trashed each day as, one by one, he tore up everything he could get close enough to hurt.

He put together what redbloods were for, little by little, through a combination of self-flagellation and internet hacking. Funny, how he'd always managed to avoid the information before. Now that he looked, it was everywhere. Everything from ‘How To’ manuals for breeding his kind, to fetish videos, to photographs detailing every step in his castes disgusting physiological processes. He was a redblood, a mutant and in time, he'd be a breeder. Wasn't just his body that was broken either but his fucking thinkpan. The internet said he'd kneel down and beg until every available troll was finished with him. Just like the scumbags on the street, just like a drooling, whining animal. Back to pacing.

"We're leaving, right?" Karkat asked Crabdad as he ate, finally hungry enough to leave his block. He refused to look at his lusus, keeping the weary glare on his face aimed at the wall. "Just tell me when. My shit's already packed."

 _We will not be leaving._ His lusus told him. Crabdad looked exhausted when Karkat glanced at him with pure anguish radiating from every pore in his body. _We cannot leave. You are nearly of age._

Karkat's dinner threatened to rebel; 'of age' was something he'd read about too. He didn't even have a sweep left but Crabdad continued on. _The place I must take you will not be accessible for several perigees more. I will not risk moving you twice during this time. It will be hard enough as it is._

"Oh," Karkat kicked away from the table, looking at the tiling on the kitchen floor. "I get it. Looked after lots of breeding nooks in your day? Have it down to a science, huh? Should I even ask, or just sit quietly while you decide who fucks me first?" His lusus sighed, a large claw resting on the crustaceans face.

_Karkat._

Karkat could count the number of times Crabdad had addressed him by name on one hand. It was always wriggler, or on rare occasions little one. Karkat was something for special occasions. _This must be one hell of a tantrum,_ Karkat thought acidly, swearing his eyes were shooting daggers at his lusus.

He spat, "No, fuck you. You're done protecting me, right? You told me to get strong and THAT'S what we're going to be doing now. You don't make decisions for me anymore, okay." His lusus looked at him and Karkat stared him down.

 _Wriggler,_ Crabdad said slowly, _if I wished it, I could throw you through the wall of this hive and you could do nothing to stop me._

"Yeah," Karkat answered, jaw setting. "We need to fix that."

He needed to get stronger and that meant training. By the second day of training, Karkat had established he was going to die. Not in a blaze of glory, not in any heroic gesture. His fingers were coated with blisters and he was pretty sure no one could bleed and hurt as much as he could. He was going to die of muscle cramps and dehydration, if Crabdad didn't beat him into a pulp first.

The first thing to go had been the tangled mess of hair, it had gotten in Karkat's eyes something fierce and so he'd buzzed it down. It was strange how different he looked in a mirror with hardly any hair. His horns looked longer for one thing but that didn’t matter. He wasn’t going to care how he looked if he was going to learn how to fight. He'd tried to get out of his usual baggy sweater and sweatpants --it kept catching on things, it was heavy, it was HOT but Crabdad insisted he learn how to fight while covered. Karkat had been able to forgo shoes and that was it. His new training regime was nothing but drills from dawn to lunch, then endurance exercises, then drills again until he dropped. Playtime was over and he knew it.

A week passed and John knocked on Karkat’s door, a small batch of brightly colored frosted cupcakes sat in a tin between his hands. “Karkat? I know you’re in there. You can’t lock yourself away forever, especially not from me. Can you let me in? Please? I pity you.” John knocked again, insistent on seeing Karkat. Karkat seethed with anger as he stomped over to the doorway, yanking the wooden door open. When Karkat answered the door he was limping, sweat-soaked and honestly, it surprised him to see John. Just a week before and it would have been impossible to even contemplate this but he'd forgotten about John. Completely and utterly dismissed the other wriggler from his thoughts. The smile, the cupcakes, the word 'pity’ all of it was bewildering. John should have forgotten him too. John should have erased Karkat from his entire world.

He leaned against the doorway, frowning at this predicament. Eventually, he just shrugged. "If I want to talk, I know how to find you. Go home, John." John's mouth fell open a bit as he just stared at Karkat and something unexpected happened. John’s usually steady grip on the plate he brought with the cupcakes faltered and they fell to the ground. Bright colored frosting splattered everywhere, coating the bottom on John’s pants and every inch of his shoes. John seemed to be in just downright shock, his pupils slits and his mouth open, the bottom of his jaw trembling.

Were his words that hurtful? Karkat winced away instinctively as he watched John’s eyes glance him up and down. Karkat had changed so dramatically in just a week. Yes he looked different, nubby horns looked strange without the bushy hair around it and the sweat stain around his hoodie was less than appealing. Not to mention the heavy bags he was certain were under his eyes. It really made the red in his eyes stand out, he near wanted to throw his bathroom mirror out. The bright mutant red he saw in the mirror each day. John was just staring in pure shock. It was like something had clicked in John’s mind as his mouth closed and he looked like he was struggling to speak.

John seemed as contemplative as Karkat did now that they were in front of each other again. It gave Karkat time to study his best friend in a way he hadn't for sweeps now. John had gotten a lot taller than him already. The difference wasn't as pronounced as it had been for the breeding nook, since John wasn't full-grown but Karkat was at a disadvantage. His eyes skated along John's shoulders and forearms, taking in the muscle definition, the broadness, the power they contained. Karkat, by comparison, was downright skinny. He didn't run around any less than John, he didn't think but John built up the muscle naturally, with his blood.

Karkat was going to have to work for it. The little troll took a deep breath, shrugged off the pain of shredded muscles and countless bruises and forced himself to stand upright. He was going to work for it, starting by no more leaning against the wall's support.

 

***

 

 _You’re a mutant._ John thought, not sugarcoating it. His pity-crush, the troll he wanted to be with, was nothing more than a breeder. _But that couldn’t be right. They were mindless, stupid. Nothing more than a creature whose sole purpose was to breed. That was not Karkat at all. The troll was smart, witty and the exact opposite of the redblooded trolls he had seen in the past whose eyes looked dead. Karkat’s are just so… alive._

He worked his jaw, thinking hard, trying to think of what to say. “I made cupcakes. All by myself. But I guess that’s kind of a moot point now...” He looked back at his feet before giving a dejected sigh, glancing back up at the troll he now knew was a mutant, whose stare was ice-cold and hard and he couldn’t help how his breath caught in his throat.

“You look like shit. Seriously, you look like you haven't slept in days and you reek. I will fucking go in there and shoosh pap your ass if I have too.” John looked back at Karkat, that was bright red staring back at him and he couldn’t help how his eyes welled up, he just was so overwhelmed with pale right now he couldn’t help it. He wiped his eyes.

“Sorry, bit much for me I guess, never seen you this bad and it… fuck. I pity you a lot and it hurts to see you like this. Like… you chopped off all your hair. You look so fucking stupid like that you know? Seriously, I don’t know why, you look like you’re training to fight the imperial army but you need to stop.”

Karkat shoved John off hard, narrowing his eyes. "'This bad'? You've got to be kidding me. I'm the best I've ever been, John. In no time, I'm going to be ready to take my place in the Empire. My fucking hair got in the way, so I got rid of it. No big deal. But now you're in my way."

 _You never told me, never told me something important like that. Though, I guess it sort of makes sense, right? I mean, tons of redbloods try to stay hidden. It’s why you lived here right? Barely any trolls out here in the country and… It’s nice I guess that your lusus cares so much._ Most, when they turned 7, disappeared and were sent to breeding facilities where they stayed until they were old enough to be public nooks. He couldn’t imagine Karkat going through that, or wanting to. John understood and he pulled Karkat to him, embracing the other in a hug. One of those tight, tight hugs Karkat had loved to melt into. John could feel his heart racing and Karkat was just so warm. He could feel Karkat stiffened, like he was afraid of this troll now. But it wouldn't have been very hard to slump into him, let John hold him, let himself feel safe. John didn’t utter a word, just keeping the other troll in his arms, pretending it was alright.

_No it’s not._

He was dripping blue tears on Karkat’s head, which the smaller no doubt felt them, short hair was no source of protection against it. _Dammit Karkat. If only I knew… fuck. Your blood, it’s nothing to hide from. I mean, I understand you don’t want to be public with something like that- but I swear. I’ll protect you. Anything anyone throws at you, I’ll protect you._

He couldn’t help but squeeze Karkat’s shoulders as he rested his chin atop of the smaller troll's head. He was holding the redblood close, not wanting to let go. He was too young still to react, too young to smell Karkat’s pheromones even if the redblood was producing him. _Karkat, let’s run away. Somewhere together and we can just get away from everything. I really pity you. I… fuck. I love you and I don’t want to… I can’t live without you. If you’re going to run, I’ll come with you… Or you can stay here with me… dammit Karkat why didn’t you tell me? Fuck is this why you ran in the city? Because you don’t want…_

He paused his thoughts a moment, they were starting to hurt his head. _Karkat doesn’t want to breed. He’s scared and… Fuck. This is my fault. Everything is always my fault. Fuck. I don’t want to lose you. Damnit Kar…_

Highblood logic was a funny thing, when they wanted something, they got it. Most did just about anything to get what they wanted and John was no different. John wanted Karkat and he would rip the world in two if he had to get what he wanted. This wasn’t about breeding, it never would be. This was about his flush being in a situation he couldn’t help. That’s right, no one could help what blood flowed their veins and Karkat couldn’t help his. But it didn’t mean John was just going to sit idly by and let Karkat be turned into one of those breeder nooks. He wanted Karkat to be a normal troll and be happy. Preferably with John in the picture. He would do whatever it would take to keep Karkat happy.

“Do you want to go inside? I mean, I’m...I’m kind of covered in cupcake.” Karkat took a step forward, lowering his head to aim his horns at John threateningly. "Leave," he repeated. "I don't want your pity. That's just wriggler bullshit and I'm too old for it." Karkat growled at him, teeth bared. "You're not welcome here anymore." Karkat looked pleased to say those words and John felt like he had been cut by one of Karkat’s sickles. The angrier he got, the easier it was to let instinct guide him. Everything in Karkat’s body language said he was challenging John to a fight and John was drawn right in, baring his fangs and glaring with slitted eyes at his best friend.

Karkat’s words hurt. A lot. He felt something ugly boil in him and he was having a hard time controlling it. “The best you’ve been? Are you fucking shitting me?! And wriggler bullshit?! Two days ago we were flushed and pale! Don’t you dare tell me you changed your mind just because… because… aaagh!”

"Just because?" Karkat parroted, mocking. "Just because I'm not acting like a kid anymore? Sorry, John, no one wants to play grubs with you anymore. Go home, go watch one of your dumb movies." Karkat crossed his arms, a bitter expression on his face.

He was growling, his hands having balled up into fists. He wanted nothing more than to hurt, to break things. And the object of his anger? Karkat. But he couldn’t do that, not with the way he knew he felt. Pity, pure pity. It was a mixed emotion really, one he didn’t know how to describe. He just knew he was mad. Madder than he had ever been.

It was well known during a highblood rage that the yellow of the sclera turned orange. Not many people knew why and most of those happened to be biologists but that was unimportant. It was just a physical reaction to rage. Even when he punched Nektan, even when he had punched random things like walls, buildings, mirrors; bad idea by the way, he had never felt this angry. John’s were orange at this moment and he looked tense. His hands were balled up so tight he was drawing blood, blue dripping down from his palms. He then did something he regretted the rest of his life. He took a step forward, pushing himself into Karkat’s hive, slammed the door behind him as blue handprints were left on the doorframe. He growled at Karkat, advancing at him with the speed one gained during a rage. That was another thing about them, they made a highblood so much stronger. He had Karkat against a wall, the smaller troll looking downright terrified. _Good. Fuck you. Not pale? Not flushed? Never want to see me again? I know that’s all lies._

As John stormed into Karkat's hive like he owned it, Karkat found himself stumbling back but it was pointless. John seemed to blur, moving too fast, hauling Karkat up against the wall. Karkat strained against his grip and didn't make John's arms as much as shake. He was that much stronger. He was overwhelming. He towered over Karkat, fully overpowering him, eyes glowing bright with rage and drove his fist through the wall, maybe because he wanted to prove to Karkat what it would look like when he punched his skull in.

He curled his fist back up and punched the wall next to Karkat, driving a hole deep into it, cracking the wooden pillar that served as the foundation of the hive Karkat lived in. But that wasn’t enough was it? His rage filled eyes met Karkat’s mostly bright red ones. They were wide and staring at John like he was crazy. Maybe he was. He couldn’t tell, he just knew that everything in his body screamed at him to hurt the object of his hurt, his anger, his frustration. Part of him told him to _KILL_ Karkat. It was pants-shittingly terrifying; to be faced with how powerless Karkat was before him. John, the dork, the goofball, could dominate Karkat so easily and Karkat was left gaping up, eyes wide with fear.

But no, the side of him that was still full of pity for the small redblooded troll could never do that. So he punched Karkat hard in the stomach, sending the wriggler to his knees and stood over him. He had the cruelest things on his mind to say to the redblood.

John's fist slammed into him again and Karkat's eyes watered as he spat up blood, the cruel red blood that John knew ran through the mutant’s veins. Karkat clawed at the wall, trying to keep upright as his legs collapsed in shock. Nothing had ever hit him with that much force. His mouth gaped open, gasping for breath that didn't register in his lungs, body screaming that he couldn't feel the air because his thoracic cage had been crushed and he was suffocating. Blood welled from his throat.

 _Don’t need me? Look at you without me. You’re lying you fucking nook. I hope that hurt your seedflap you asshole. Asshole. Jerk. I hate you. How fucking dare you make me feel this way? I hate you. I hate you. Hate._ That snapped him out of it and his eyes returned to normal, staring at Karkat. There was blood dribbling out of the side of the redblood’s mouth. Fuck, did he really hurt him bad? He wanted to help, to say he was sorry but he couldn’t. He rushed towards the door, pulling it open, near cracking the wood off and ran home, blue streaming down his face. He had hurt Karkat.

_Fuck._

***

 

 

Karkat lay on the floor on his side, holding his stomach in pain. It hurt and John must have left because nothing was holding Karkat up against the wall anymore. He hit the floor and the air finally registered because he was heaving it out, coughing violently and spitting up blood. He had his hand over his mouth, hot fluid spilling out over his hand. Good thing John hadn't seen it. Then he'd know what a piece of shit Karkat was too. Crabdad eventually came to check on him, presumably irritated that the wriggler was skipping out on training. He found Karkat wheezing, having levied himself upright enough to slump against the wall. The first thing out of Karkat's mouth was

"What can I still do to train like this?"

His lusus probably saw the difference in him now. Hours of squirming on the floor, crawling by inches to the wall so he could have a little more dignity, had taught the wriggler humility. He didn't wear it like pride but it had lit his eyes on fire. His guardian didn't argue, didn't try to carry him. He helped Karkat onto his own two feet and they walked together, slowly and painstakingly, to the nutritionblock. Karkat drank water until the pain had fuzzed into the background and then, taking only as much support as he needed, jaw clenched tight from pain, he spent the rest of the night working through the drills he was learning. Step by step, sometimes shaking so hard he lost his balance and on more than one occasion pausing to hack up a sticky mess of congealed and fresh blood. He did not stop, though; he did not falter and his eyes blazed until the very last hour, when they blurred over and Karkat tumbled down entirely, finally unconscious.

He would wake in pain and had to grip his head as he limped upright to keep it from feeling like it would fly apart. His lusus had bound his stomach to keep the swelling down. He got up, he trained and he didn't die.

Perigees passed and Karkat kept growing. All three wrigglers did. Nektan couldn’t be called that anymore, he had turned 8 and flaunted it like it was some kind of badge of honor. Eight was when a troll could use public breeding nooks, use them for ‘their intended purpose in life’. Nektan had gone around screeching through the neighborhood about the first time he had gone to the city and… It made Karkat fill his ears with cotton and keep training, ignoring the muffled sounds of the seadweller. He barely saw John, it hurt too much. That troll he had trusted had hurt him and he didn’t want to see him, at least that’s what he kept telling himself.

 Slowly and gradually, muscle began to pack onto Karkat's small frame. He ate relentlessly, trying to help it build and burned it all off again, training and training until sheer willpower was the only thing keeping the wriggler upright. Some nights Karkat found his arms or his legs muscles so shredded all he could do was prop them up on the furniture, keep going while they shook relentless. His lusus gave him no mercy; if Karkat slowed for an instant, Crabdad sent him flying. He showed Karkat how to correct his mistakes and punished the wriggler for each of them. When they sparred it was just an ongoing parade of Karkat getting smashed to the ground. He couldn’t win.

However, it started taking longer for the inevitable loss to arrive. He started getting up quicker. The pain didn't crush him anymore, just goaded him to try harder. The wriggler was growing stout and strong and the first time he caught his lusus swing, his own arms powerful enough to lock the blow, it startled him enough to freeze and take a blow to his side that sent him rolling.

If Karkat couldn't beat his own lusus who was twice his size, he wouldn't have the chance to fight for much longer, would he? He'd have the noble vocation of spreading his legs and screwing until he was full of eggs, or he could make sure he never lost a fight again. It was an easy choice. It made it easy to throw himself harder into training, to think of nothing but undoing the curse of his body and its weakness.

Puberty sucked too. He woke in the middle of the day to pain between his legs and knew exactly what happened. He wished it was only a nightmare. Wriggler bulges were immobilized inside, no purpose to them. Today, the thin layer of skin that protected his bulge from the outside world had torn and this had to be arousal. He felt something graze his inner thigh and yelped in alarm, keeping still until he felt his bulge slide back inside. It wasn’t dignified at all and he did poorly in training when he did get his ass up.

In terms of other nightmares: Karkat knew he'd been an ass. He wasn't going to feel better until he publically debased himself a little bit and the third time he wound up apologizing himself sick in the middle of his sleep, he was done with it. He headed over to John's hive with a hood hauled down over his increasingly brightly-colored eyes and grimaced at the door. Crabdad had been offering him nights off from training for a while now and Karkat knew he wouldn’t settle anything if he stayed cut off from John. He had literally no excuses. He knocked on the door before jamming his hands into his pockets.

_Dipshit had better appreciate this._

John answered the door… without a shirt on. A pair of damp sweatpants adorned his hips and black hair stuck to his face --it looked like he’d just gotten out of the shower. John, the ever-loving dork, stuck a finger in his ear to plunge some water out. Karkat took that moment to get over his nerves. This was John for Pete’s sake. He would keep getting bigger too, he was already a foot taller than Karkat and most bluebloods grew to at least seven feet. Karkat had to crane his neck up to look John in the eye.

There was a great deal of shirtless chest for Karkat to be dealing with otherwise. Hard, chiseled muscle stood out all over, rippling softly as John breathed, warning Karkat of all the damage he could do. But whereas once that power would have effortlessly pasted Karkat into a wall, now he knew how to circle and redirect it, use John's own force against him while Karkat hammered his fists or blades through every defense. He knew how to take hits from something considerably bigger and armored, especially after standing still and taking Crabdad’s blows to toughen his hide. If John tried to pin him against a wall again, he'd be able to budge that grip this time.

Yeah; that was a perfectly normal reaction to suddenly getting an eyeful. The rest of it was harder to explain. Karkat found himself gulping as his eyes jumped from John's deep blue eyes to the soaking mess of hair, back to the fucking washboard abs, the sculpted arms and he jerked his head away to glower at the pavement while his face heated. He had zero fucking clue what was going on --but he did not think he liked it very much and now his palms were sweating.

“Hi Karkat. It’s been what? 12 perigees now? 13? I don’t know. But… uhm. Yeah. Hi.” John was smiling at him when he looked back up, trying his best to seem friendly. Karkat cleared his throat. John pretended there was more water in his ear.

"Oh Jegus," Karkat snapped, "What the holy fuck? Is your rage so deep and true that you literally combusted all your upper body wear in the universe's most embarrassing fit of righteous indignation? Or has the meaning of clothing somehow escaped you the last few perigees? Here's a hint, YOU WEAR IT ON YOUR ASS!" He spent a moment feeling winded --the fuck was his bloodpusher doing, going that fast? He then exchanged his grouchy scowl for a slightly less grouchy scowl. "Uh. Hi."   
This was probably the part where he apologized. There had been notes. Karkat had spent breakfast muttering platitudes at his toast. He'd been prepared but not with John's naked chest in the way. Maybe it was just how hard he'd been training but Karkat was suddenly itching for a fight.

Wanted to take that fucking highblood powerhouse for a spin. Skin on skin, bruised knuckles and John damn well wouldn't be able to fake a smile at him. So what came out of Karkat's mouth were the words, "I want a rematch." He crossed his arms over his chest and smirked up lopsidedly. "A revenge match, specifically. That last go was an affront to my blood. You owe me a round or two, don't you think?"

John scoffed. “First off, I just got out the shower, or can’t you notice the fact my hair is stuck to my fucking face? And it’s summer. It’s hot as hell. You and I both know how sucky it is for me. Give me 413 sweeps of winter, alright? Secondly, that wasn't even a fight. I wasn’t being myself and I didn’t mean to hurt you. I mean, I did then but after, I felt terrible. Wow, I suck at apologies.” John face-palmed, hand dragging down his face, his arm muscles flexing as he did so and Karkat couldn’t take his eyes off them.

"I see," Karkat said, wrinkling his nose. "I see. And did getting out of the shower mean that your clothes fucking evaporated with the final dregs of my sanity? Yes, yes, it's all clear now!" He prodded John's bare foot with the side of his sneaker. "You know what's good for cooling off in the summer? Agreeing to a revenge match with me."

“Seriously Karkat. I’m not going to fight you. I don’t want to fight you. Can we just move past this and be friends again? I mean…fuck. We had a thing for like…what? A day? Maybe longer? I don’t even know. I want to go back to that. I still pity you, you know.”

"I get it," Karkat said, nearly rolling his eyes. "But this may surprise you, John it is not the circumstances leading up to my ass getting handled to me on a three-course meal platform that bothers me. It's more my ass being handed to me at all; that part specifically pisses me off." He scowled up. "Look, just it's been weird? Doing stuff without you all the time. I was mad at you, you were mad at me and now things are..." Karkat strangled the air one-handed, searching for a word. "They're complicated. It bites. So just shut up and let me spar with you until I feel better, you big dork.”

 _You SERIOUSLY big dork._ Every time John moved, Karkat's eyes tried to glue themselves to the shift of his muscles, the sheen of water still clinging to his skin. He looked like some kind of classic art piece come to life and it was really distracting. Karkat had not known he gave a shit about art. Apparently he did? _Fucking weird. Seriously, this is just getting weirder._

John stuck his head out the door farther, nervous and acting like someone put a beehive down the front of his trousers. “Look, just get in before Nektan shows up. He’s had this stupid black crush on me ever since I punched him.” John shuddered, face turning grim at the mention of the seadweller. While Nektan believed being punched in the face was a black advance, John saw it as nothing more than punching someone in the face.

"You're still going to spar with me," Karkat warned John, although he allowed himself to be ushered into John's territory. Karkat kept his back to the wall automatically, refusing to let John get behind him. His hands tunneled deeper into his pockets with nerves, "Pity or whatever. It's too complicated. The feeling changes all the time and you wind up expecting things and feeling too much when you don't want to." He chewed his lip for a moment and then glanced up.

"You know, I did come here to apologize to you too, dumbass." He dug a hand through his hair --it had gotten a bit longer again these past few perigees and Karkat wasn't quite gotten around to cutting it. "But fuck it, I'm done with all this emotional bullshit. If I can; if I can have my friend back, that would be pretty great. But I still owe him a punch in the teeth and I'm nervous or something, so will you please just come at me so I can calm the fuck down?"

“I wasn’t really mad at you,” John protested. “That was just my blood talking. Yeah I was a bit annoyed you fucking dumped me after a day but…fuck. You really drove me to that point, I was really hurting. Hell, this past half sweep has been hurt. I really did miss you.” John bit his lower lip and looked away from Karkat. Clearly he wasn’t over it yet.

Karkat just raised an eyebrow, "Yeah, bro, you were definitely not mad at me at all. That came through loud and clear, while you were visibly thinking about tearing my head off. Thanks for that, by the way, I appreciate still having my ugly mug attached to the rest of me.”

“I want my friend back too… maybe my quadrant-mate. But fine. But this will just be a spar, hand on hand. I really don’t want to hurt you…” John stretched his arms over his head, having no idea just how good his muscles look this way, more exposed, lengthened out and showing off his muscular body. _Less focus on John’s body, more focus on preparing for the fight._ This fight wasn't going to have a lot in common with that first smack down. Much less one-sided. For one thing, Karkat wasn't goading John into it.

"Know what's nice and simple? Fists." Maybe deep down, maybe Karkat was still a little pissed. He definitely had embarrassment to contend with and remorse for what he'd said to start the fight, ubiquitous self-loathing and a solid handful of confusing feelings now that he was finally standing in front of his friend again. Too much bullshit. He wasn't ever going to be able to articulate it, so he'd work it out instead. It was simple, in Karkat's mind. They'd knock the aggression out of each other and afterwards, shit would make sense again.

 _Especially after John put on a goddamn shirt._ This buzzing tension, his prickling skin, the catch in his breath like he wasn't sure what to do with this troll now, would go away. John…didn't have to be an enemy. They were going to part soon but Karkat wanted to do it on decent terms. His grin flashed wide. He felt a bolt of pure electricity up his spine and let it move him, darting forward fast enough to snap his own hoodie and lightly smack the back of his hand against John's stomach.He felt a bolt of pure electricity up his spine and let it move him, darting forward fast enough to snap his own hoodie and lightly smack the back of his hand against John's stomach.

"Wide open, come on, you can do better." Karkat leered, ducking back before the highblood could recover and give him anything in return. Only, Karkat absolutely remembered the speed and strength John had come at him with before and this was ridiculous by comparison. Karkat was dancing circles around him and John barely made any attempt to defend himself. He took exactly two shots and neither of them had enough force to put a dent in a fucking pillow. Karkat couldn’t take a real swing like this; it would have just felt wrong and the little troll finally pulled up short and caught John's half-hearted swing in midair.

"You have got to be kidding me." Karkat growled. "If you're trying to piss me off it's working. At least act..." Irritated, he snapped a kick up at John's chin when the highblood leaned too low, “Like you don't think I'm made of glass!"

John chose to ignore this advice and with a roar of frustration, Karkat took his legs out from under him and pinned the taller troll underneath him. John squirmed like for some reason Karkat perching on top of him was a problem. Karkat vigorously ignored what John's muscles looked like from above and growled into John's face. The highblood's eyes widened as he realized he couldn't just pull free. Karkat had enough muscle now to hold down a big-ass highblood. Honestly, it startled them both but Karkat didn't let the pleasure show on his face, just sneered.

"Do I need to piss you off to get you to come at me? Shouldn't be hard. You lost it like you were waiting for an excuse before." The sweat, the anger, the tears, all of it showed on Karkat’s face. "Are you actually having the gall right now to tell me that this is how you fight when you're serious?" He growled. "Is that what is happening at this very moment? Because if not, you have about ten seconds to take it back."

“I’m not.” John so was, he was tossing this fight like a cake at Nektan’s window. He didn’t want to fight Karkat; that could be the only reasonable explanation. It was pretty fucking apparent to them both. “You don’t want me to get pissed. Seriously. You saw what I did to that wall when I punched you. I couldn’t control it back then. I’ve only gotten stronger Karkat, I can’t help that. It’s literally in my blood. I don’t fucking want to fight you!” John pulled his arms up, gripping Karkat shoulders hard, hard enough to bruise. “I don’t want to fight someone like you!” His eyes were wide, anger being held back, frustration. “I don’t want to hurt my best friend!”

Karkat gritted his teeth together. Against good judgment and apparently John's own fucking willpower, he didn't lose it. "I know you're a highblood, asshole," he answered sharply but didn't get much further before John grabbed his shoulders. If he was expecting Karkat to flinch... Karkat stared down at him and beneath John's hands he tightened his own muscles, letting them flex wider, push back against the highblood's fingers.

"I get it," Karkat said, voice very even, "You're still flipping your shit about kicking my ass. You feel like crap, right? But I promise you, that has fuckall to do with me being your best friend." He reached up and slowly, pointedly, dragged John's hands off his arms. Gravity wasn't on his side this time, there was no attempt at using John's surprise to do it, just Karkat proving he was more than strong enough to do this --pull John's hands away from where he didn't want them and then shove them back down. Wasn't easy and he had sweat running down his neck by the end of it but while John's blood had been getting him stronger, Karkat had been training literally every hour he was conscious for half a sweep now. It showed.

"It's because you've gotten it in your head that I'm weak," Karkat said softly and then suddenly the feelings lined up in his head and he managed to spit them out the right way. "You could have come over whenever. You didn't. You were too scared, not me. Too scared that I'd piss you off again and you'd want to hit me and I wouldn't be able to stop you." He climbed off of John and stepped back, waiting for him to stand.

"You want to know why you don't GET to refuse to fight me, John?" Karkat snapped his teeth at him. "Because even when you answered the door and I didn't do a fucking thing to set you off, you still look petrified. I'm not apologizing to you because you've convinced yourself one lost fight means I'm pathetic lowblood trash just like how Nektan's ilk run their jaw flaps about all the time, blah blah blah, look at the helpless little rustbloods. Right? Because that's what you're thinking and you're too much of a stand up FUCKING guy to be the one to pick on us weaklings."

“Because I…fuck. You don’t get it do you?” John stood up, breathing heavily, his muscles expanding and contracting with each strong breath. Karkat was his friend, his pity, diamond and heart and his world. John looked like even those two weak punches were devastating blows and the hands on the other’s shoulders weighed as much as the moons.

There was why Karkat had to fight him so badly all of a sudden. _Recognize me, look at me and REMEMBER ME. Why the hell are you still looking at me like that?_

"Too bad for you," Karkat snarled, "I actually do want my best friend back and that isn't fucking lip service. Face me, you complete asshole. If I'm wrong, if I can't handle what you give me, you had better damn well prove it to me now, because I'm not giving you a second chance. Get up."

Karkat shifted back as John stood, his own breathing speeding up as John's did. If John tried to turn him down again, Karkat sure as hell wasn't going to run off back to his hive. Karkat wasn’t going to give John a choice as to whether he could refuse the fight.   
The panicked look on Johns face melted away. “Fine. You want a fight? I’ll oblige you.” Both boys took a defensive stance, before John held out a hand to pause their actions. Karkats mood soured.

_Did John seriously just change his mind? What a-_

“Wait, if we’re going to fight seriously, basement. You know there’s more room there.” Karkat nodded before following John down the stairs, the lots and lot of stairs, so many stairs. Why were there so many stairs? No one warned anyone about having all these stairs.

 _It isn’t smart to follow John down into places that are hard to get back out of,_ Karkat thought. This place wasn't a shared pale hive anymore. This was John's territory and Karkat was keenly aware of that fact but he followed John down anyway alert and buzzing with adrenaline. It was worth the risk and he had a lot to prove.

They reached the big open area and faced each other. They both glared for a frozen moment but John was the first to lunge. They fought evenly, John keeping up with every strike the smaller troll aimed at him. This was far from a pity activity, something more friends did. Didn’t mean the feelings were gone though. John growled and kicked Karkat in the side, sending the other back a few feet. “Ready to give up?”

Karkat just grinned and wiped away his bloody nose. John had caught him unguarded for a second, wouldn’t happen twice. The highblood swung and Karkat darted around it, the air whistling past his skin. He dropped low to use his height to his advantage, make John overreach as much as possible. Karkat was outmatched, though and he knew it. John didn't strike Karkat harder than was acceptable for light sparring --just enough to knock him off his feet, not put a dent in anything but he was catching and knocking aside practically every one of Karkat's lightning blows.

Karkat tried to be less predictable, to feint and sweep through attacks, play for frustration but already he had learned something valuable. John had instincts for fighting and they mattered. In training, Crabdad had Karkat doing speed and agility work until he was sure his joints were about to crack but now it was still all he could do to keep up at all. John was stronger too; by what margin, Karkat didn't know. He wouldn't win this fight in the real world. In a real fight, John would have plastered Karkat to the wall already, not kept moving with that impeccable grin of his, almost too fast for Karkat’s eyes to keep track of. He wasn't sure John was even trying to give him a fight, or if he was just so powerful that matching Karkat was effortless.

It was fun though, wasn't it? No feelings to tangle in his head and frustrate him; Karkat was battle high and pushing himself. The burn of air in his lungs, the ache of muscles and bone as he used them like the weapons they were. Strategies unfolded in his head until he was reeling from the patterns and possibilities unfolding before him. He was sweat-soaked beneath his heavy clothes, bruised up and panting, had spent more time on the floor already than he had with Crabdad for a long time. It was fun. Half of Karkat's snarls were startled laughter and even when John belted him hard, he came up grinning, blood rushing.

No pale to worry or soothe, no flush to fluster; just the crack of fists on skin and the slapping of feet as they rushed each other. John's scent and his strength were reduced to reasons to be happy, to play. Karkat was playing, he realized; he knew he couldn't win and he wasn't trying for a victory anymore, just trying to impress John the most he could before it was over. Show off as much strength as he could without doing real damage, find some trick John couldn't match, some way to make his jaw drop, overpower him with inferior strength.

Like that, Karkat learned his final lesson about fighting highbloods. All of a sudden, John slowed. John took two hits in places he should have easily been able to defend. Karkat found himself looping through his partner’s defenses and sending him stumbling back. A few more blows got ducked than he'd been able to before. It was puzzling, a little irritating, because Karkat wished John would have just said he wanted to stop instead of dumping the fight. Karkat blinked back the haze of his battle and realized it had nothing to do with that at all.

John was tired. Karkat, who had been doing nothing but training and pushing his body to its limits every night, wasn't. He didn't have strength, speed, or technique that could beat John. But endurance, the little troll had in spades. This time it was his turn to brush a fist under John's chin, more of a tease than any real force, just enough to snap his head back.

"How about you?" Karkat nearly purred. "Ready to give up?"

John rubbed his offended jaw. “I guess I am. You really surprised me there.” John took a step back, examining the bruises Karkat felt proud to have littered on the other’s grey skin. Blue welts were starting to show up under his skin and the thin sheen of sweat on his upper body wasn’t helping. Karkat turned away from John when the fight was over, under the pretext of shaking some dirt off of his hoodie.

 _So that’s that, then. A loss and a few words of encouragement._ He felt a little bit like he was glowing. _This was ridiculous._ Perigees of not thinking of John at all beyond the occasional dream or fleeting memory… but John could still get to him pretty good, it seemed like. _I surprised him?_

“I do have to take another shower though now… Thanks.” John sounded annoyed yet amused at this statement, going over to one of the towel racks in this pseudo-training room and tossed one to Karkat. He wiped his face off with his own. Karkat grumbled, hitching his hood back up from where it had fallen. John kept his hive cool and Karkat was used to going much longer with an angry arthropod hovering over him. He still felt like he was overheating.

 _Dammit, stop blushing. What are you doing, trying to cook an egg?_ Karkat took the towel when his face had cooled enough to glance John's way again. He dug his face into it and scrubbed vigorously, until all his sweaty hair was a hopeless mess. Might as well go for it, right? "Look on the bright side," Karkat muttered as he finished. "Maybe this time you'll manage to find your way to the shirt drawer. There will be much rejoicing in this hive."

The towel still smelled like John and Karkat eased off before that turned into outright nuzzling the fabric. John shook his head in amusement at Karkat near making love to the downy blue and tried not to smile.

“You know, we can hang out if you want, without fighting. I mean it was fun but… I want to hang out for real, like old times. I have ice-cream, your favorite too. Course it’s also my favorite so… main point is there is ice-cream and movies waiting if you want to.” Karkat recognized a peace offering when he heard one --ice cream and movies was far from a poor proposition. It took a moment for it to catch up to his brain that he hadn't finished what he came here to do. He jogged up the stairs after John, needing two strides for the highblood's one.

“Yeah, uh, sure. I could go for some.” His hand hovered for a moment before he kicked himself and placed it against John's shoulder, asking John to stop for a minute. Karkat stared furiously at the wall. "I'm really not so good with apologies," he muttered and chewed his lip for a moment before he spat it out. "I'm sorry. The stuff I said before, before everything --I was out of line. I was pissed at myself, not you."   
That said, he retreated, letting his hand fall back to his side. He shot John a wry little grin. "You know, for the five hot seconds we were dating, you were pretty fucking good at it. You’ll find a decent quadrant eventually, alright? I just want you to," Karkat gave a little shake of his head, amused by his own fumbling, "To not think you did anything wrong. I was just looking for ways to hurt you. You didn't actually DO anything--”

Karkat rebounded off of the solid wall that was John Egbert at seven sweeps. He let out a grunt of displeasure. A warning would have been nice; both for the sudden stop and for the fact that John was suddenly looking at him.

“Best five seconds of my life.” When Karkat looked up, John was sending him this this pity-inducing look and Karkat swore he could feel his gut travel halfway up his throat. He wondered how much John could read on Karkat’s before he'd jerked his head down and slapped a scowl over it. Hopefully not enough to see best _five seconds of mine too._

 

“I want you in a quadrant still you know that?” John continued softly. “We didn’t have to fight. I don’t even know what that fight was about. I got mad at you I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you. You did nothing wrong.”

Karkat cleared his throat roughly. "Sap," he accused. He nudged John with his shoulder. "You should have gotten mad at me. I would have punched the hell out of anyone who said that to you." Karkat let himself grin softer, a little warmer than he meant to but that didn't really matter. "Still would, too. Don't need a quadrant for that."

This part was a little harder and he swallowed, turning to keep climbing the steps, even if that meant putting John at his back. Karkat guessed he trusted John enough for that. If he had to pick someone to be vulnerable around, well. He picked this guy. "... I don't think I was ready for a quadrant at all. I'd pick you, though, if I ever was."

John growled, turning towards Karkat. “The only thing you did was… was…” He looked like words were stuck in his mouth, before he shook his head. “Forget it. Let’s keep going before we trip and fall.” Karkat nodded in agreement, following the broad-shouldered troll again, retreating back into his thoughts.

He had been born the wrong color, something that meant he could never be with John. Even if he chose to stay and be with John, the inevitable would happen. He couldn’t do that, not even for this guy. If the only chance of freedom was to run, Karkat would keep running from fate until his feet fell off and his legs ran red with blood.

They got to their usual spot, settling down on the worn blue couch. As far as navigating conversations with the guy who could still make his bloodpusher slam with pityache like they'd never been apart, Karkat was doing well.

“Sorry there’s no pile, Hopdad made me clean up after. You didn’t show for a while. We can make a new one?” Karkat just hooked an arm around John's neck and tugged him down into the sofa cushions.

"It's good enough like this," Karkat muttered and settled beside him. _As friends, this time. I can have friends, right? Without fucking them over? Yeah. Just for a little while._

 

"Yeah," Karkat murmured, letting his head rest against John's shoulder lazily as the movie started. "Definitely good enough like this."

They picked an old classic action-adventure type, John didn’t want to touch the romcoms after Karkat had glanced at that collection and flinched. They were about 10 minutes into the movie when Karkat’s head wound up resting against John's shoulder. He felt calm for once that entire day. John took a deep breath, gently resting a cool hand against the others shoulder before he turned back to the movie. Both boys were hot and sweaty from the fight.

 

***

 

Relaxation was almost foreign to Karkat now. Relaxing into something soft like this, with no one hissing at him to get back to his feet and run through some drill again and again was as good as being another troll. He'd thought the restlessness would continue; the buzz of energy in his limbs ordering him to move, run the next drill; but it didn't. The hive was full of John's scent --vanilla and fresh air and cool skin. The deeper Karkat breathed, the dizzier it made him. The surroundings were all utterly familiar, more than the hive Crabdad and Karkat had been clearing out to be their personal training course. God, it fucked with his head.

As he unwound tick by tick, Karkat closed his eyes. For a moment, he was a kid again. John was his crush, movies were his life and his biggest worry was how tall he'd get this sweep. He was still in denial about growing up. He didn’t want to know anything about how strong John's jaw looked, or how much John's eyes looked like the night sky before dusk, or how right these cool arms rested around him. His mind wasn’t exactly giving him kosher thoughts in that moment.

He knew this wasn’t about what his bulge had done a few days ago. He just wanted to be around John. As John's arm tugged, Karkat shuffled a little closer with a sigh, indulging himself. He'd had the best five seconds before and now he wanted just five more to pretend that nothing had ever changed.

 _How much could go wrong in five seconds?_ He counted them out and then leaned back. Out of the dream he went, blinking his eyes back open slowly, almost feeling like he could curl up and go to sleep. That thought was absurd. Sleep was something he had to struggle with, strangle into submission every time and certainly not anything he could risk around someone else. John was looking back at him when he could drag his eyelids up and Karkat found himself grinning back softly, a little devastated with affection.

"Oh come on. Quit looking at me. If you say I'm more interesting than the movie, you're really reaching--”   
A gentle press of lips silenced the sardonic words. Karkat froze, not with panic or repulsion. Couldn't move, he might scare the moment away. John felt so unfairly good against him. Karkat's eyes closed slowly. Cool touch and soft breath and John close and careful and all but trying to cradle Karkat against him like something so infinitely precious.

It was almost quadrantless, just being loved by someone who looked at him and didn't see what Karkat saw in the mirror now. Someone who thought the world of him. Kissing was only supposed to feel good to every other troll on Alternia, not to Karkat. All that it meant was that his body was trying to betray him that his hormones were increasing. Hell, maybe he was already putting out pheromones and that was why John even wanted to kiss him at all when he was this sweaty and gross. All it meant was Karkat was acting like some redblood streetfuck. He wanted to purr.

All it meant was that Karkat was kissing the person he pitied; of course it felt good. It was John and Karkat let himself linger, dreaming of running his hands through John's hair, stealing away his glasses, holding him close and tickling him, laughing, kissing him again, hearing his best friend's moan. He pulled away, as gently as he could, finding that one of his hands had risen to cup John's cheek.

"That was pretty dumb," Karkat observed, letting himself nudge his nose against John's one last time before he settled again. "Come on, just watch the movie. This is bullshit." As kindly as he could, he forced the words out. "I just want to be friends, okay? I don't pity you."

_I can't pity anyone._

Those words must have stung like wasps and John’s smile faded. John sighed, slumping against the others shoulder. “Fine. We’ll watch rest of the movie and we’ll talk later.”

Damn and Karkat could still feel the kiss on his lips. His mouth ached, bruised from a punch, like the impact was something he couldn't just shake off. If that was a punishment for kissing someone, it was doing a pretty piss-poor job of negative reinforcement. Karkat's instincts told him clearly that if he pushed forward and filled John's mouth with his taste and his kiss, it would light him up exactly the way Karkat wanted. John would be so happy. Karkat swallowed.

Crabdad had said he had a couple of perigees left before Karkat couldn't control his urges anymore and the nearest trolls would father his first brood. If he waited around, maybe one would be John. He'd get to see Karkat reduced to whatever his nook wanted so badly.

_In the city, that had made the other trolls happy. Maybe John would even smile._

The ghost of the kiss seemed to evaporate sour and the rest of the movie passed in silence. Karkat felt John's eyes on him. Head on his shoulder, arm around him, fingers in his hair. Every gesture was sweet and every time Karkat blinked he saw redbloods spread out on a breeding platform, wailing while they were fucked. Someone might have been sweet with them at first too. How long had it taken suckers like that to learn they didn't have to bribe the public bucket to spread its legs?

Karkat couldn’t help but look at the other even so. The soft curve of his nose, the way just blinking left John's cheeks bright blue --and Karkat was adamant about pretending this was how it had always been. John had to be blushing about the romance on the movie, not because Karkat was there.

 _Please. Just a few more minutes of this, please._ Karkat could feel John’s hand playing with his hair, the curls twinning between long thin fingers. Everything in this moment was about them sitting on this couch, reliving their childhood, sitting and watching a movie in silence, their actions speaking more than any words ever could. The doorbell rang. Nektan probably, not many other trolls lived here. John let out an irritated groan, his hand moving away from the spot just behind Karkats horn. Karkat sat up to find John crossing the room. He had been so comfortable in John’s arms and he was sore to note how wrong it felt to no longer have him there.

“I don’t want to get that. I seriously don’t want to get that… Hopdad don’t go near the door. No, STOP, no...” John was nowhere near as fast as the giant rabbit, who seemed to materialize in front of the gate and pulled it open. Nektan stood in the doorway, smug as ever. Karkat listened with something like fond nostalgia.

For one thing, this asshole must practice to be that much of a bulgesucker. For another, yep, same old caliginous crush on John. It felt ridiculous to be hiding from Nektan. But if Karkat couldn't win against a blueblood going easy on him, he damn well couldn't take a seadweller, right? He’d darted behind the nearest wall and was ready to run, to launch a surprise attack, to keep hiding, anything, whatever kept him alive. As long as Nektan couldn't see him, he had the advantage.

“Uh…Hi.” John forced a smile and waved unhappily. No more shine in his pretty blue eyes. Fucking seadweller ruining this moment. **_Plague of the Seadweller._** Sounded like some sort of horror movie.

This was before Nektan started sniffing. A few covert comments and Karkat's blood went icy.

“You're smelling awfully sweet, John.” Karkat’s shoulders hitched.

_Was that him Nektan was smelling off John? Oh no._

“Do you have company over? You should invite me in.” He didn't need to see Karkat after all. Karkat heard a cracking sound and John had broken the bits of wood under his hand. Clearly he was trying very hard not to punch Nektan in the face, even if the sludgedrinker deserved it.

Still, Nektan could smell him. Karkat already had pheromones and he cringed over what exactly John had been doing on the sofa, what Karkat had been letting him do. Fuck him up the ass with a culling fork, he was a sucker. A sucker whose skin had just been saved by Nektan.

Oh god, Karkat was never washing off the stench of shame.

 _John will understand,_ Karkat thought, as he slid soundlessly out the window, feet gently hitting the ground. He dragged his hood down low over his eyes and sprinted. Once Karkat was gone, John would probably forget all about him. There would be no pheromones to influence him, not that Karkat would be giving him another chance. From now on, enclosed spaces wouldn't be okay with anyone ever again.

Once he had gotten close enough to his own hive, Karkat brought his wrist under his nose and inhaled but he didn't smell anything. Just skin and sweat. He was glad he still smelled like a troll, even if he was the only person who would think that ever again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the very very long delay on this chapter! It's been done a few weeks but I wanted to finish the entire John arc writing wise and then I needed surgery and...yeah. It's been a very busy month for me, so I haven't had as much time to work on this as I would like. I'm one of those weirdos who like to write an entire arc out then edit it all in 1 sitting. As is, There's about 2 more chapters left of Johnkat arc? Depending on how I decide to split it up. After that, BACK TO DAVEKAT LAND (finally...) 
> 
> As for only one panel, that was mostly due to me not feeling well post-op and not really being able to draw without my vision going blurry, so that's why. But I made it up with color. **COLOR.** Woooo!  
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	8. John Part 4: Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat's a redblood, and he knows at this point what that means. What it means to John...What he'll have to do to keep his blood secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> General warning, this has some rape culture, sexual situations, and pretty extreme violence.

Karkat knew that each sunset brought him closer and closer to his fate. He pulled out from his bed sheets covered in sweat, among other things, determination written on his brow. He knew as each day passed his mind would slowly turn into molasses, it would become harder to think and he would have to fight harder against what his body told him was fate. He would controvert it with every breath he took. No way in hell would he ever bend to the whims of his teenage impulses. He fell back into the rhythm of drilling all day, lest to divert himself more. He was exercising until he could barely limp, pushing himself and pushing himself and PUSHING himself. He needed to get stronger, faster. He knew he needed it with absolute certainty every time his mind faltered and he found himself wistfully daydreaming.

Apparently he was feeble enough to not be able to stop thinking about John. The bastard felt like just because they had sparred, he was welcome to his hive whenever he pleased. He was right, Karkat couldn’t deny his friend. Crabdad was watching over them at least, making sure neither wriggler ascertained the incident on the couch. Karkat was getting proficient at digging his claws into his leg whenever he felt his ocular perceivers and thinkpan wander. He had no idea how John was controlling himself and he had seen the highblood falter a few times, almost kissing him. Part of him wanted him to but desires like that needed to be shot in the kneecap.

Sparing with John helped, he was a good training partner. On rare occurrences, John ceased abstaining and Karkat swore he saw his life flash before his eyes as the single thing he could do was dodge the highblood’s blows. John was being affected by his scent more each time he came over and if he wasn't good enough to take John who didn't even have training and wasn’t even in a rage of lust, he had no idea how he would muster handling the crowds he was supposed to start drawing.

_Don't think about what happens when your nook breaks you and you want it, when you'll beg to have them crawling inside of you like worms._

Crabdad had said that the place he wanted to bring Karkat to was so remote that at worst, only one or two challengers would come for him. Maybe he could culminate with a smaller brood. But Karkat didn’t want to settle for that, a smaller brood just meant he broke, that any amount of poisonous slurry in him forecast that he had lost. He would deny the inevitable loss to his instincts for as long as he could muster. Hopefully, that would be until old age took him. A redblood living his life and never breeding, fighting until his hair was streaked with white and his skin scarred with wrinkles. He had seen old trolls before but never a redblood. They didn’t get to live long, slaves never did.

The nights were passing by all too quickly and Karkat could feel his body trying to change, he couldn’t deny it. Even if he had training to focus on during the time he was awake, his thoughts still drifted. He growled at himself and braced his claws against his leg muscles until the pain had him focused on anything but that. He felt like he was going insane. His repeated nightmares took on humiliating turns where he was the one strapped to the breeding platform and once or twice he woke with some sickening heat low in his stomach, making his legs shake with panic. He was waking covered in cold sweat and had to spend extra time in the shower to freeze any remaining arousal off. He refused to let his hands venture downwards, even as his nook beseeched him to stick fingers inside. His still adolescent grey bulge twisted between his legs, rubbing against his thighs and trying to stimulate some sort of friction until Karkat reached down and held it still, not letting it move until it started to recede. Denying himself and freezing off any oncoming fever seemed to do the trick, as he did his best to function.

The days felt like they couldn’t be moving faster. He had grown another 4 inches and after that, it seemed like he had downright stopped. So this was as tall as he was getting huh? He measured himself up against John and found the other was starting to slow with his growth spurt as well. John still had a good foot and a half on him.

Not to mention how the half-a-sweep older troll was beginning to act how he had seen the adults in the city when they looked at a redblood. John’s eyes often became half lidded and he wanted nothing else but to lean against Karkat and pull him close. The worst part? Part of Karkat liked it and he had let gentle kisses graze his lips while the back of his throat felt like it was constricting, making his head spin and making it cumbersome to use his respiratory system. John took his breath away and when he realized what was transpiring, he spent less and less time with the blueblood. Karkat was scared of falling to his castes desires.

_What would have been the point of his training? Of everything? I can’t let John in under my skin. I have to figure out how to put my foot in front of the other on my own and...Fuck._

John felt like the chain that kept him here, kept him from running away. Or was that what he kept telling himself? This was his home, where he grew up. It was full of memories, the good and the bad and he was utilizing John as a scapegoat as to why he wanted to stay. He had so many other reasons as well. None that came to mind at the moment but he was sure they were there.

Regardless, he was seven and a half now, John was nearly eight. By all standards, their bodies were nearly adults. John he saw less of regardless, 8 was when the government expected you to start training for your future. At least that was the case for John, who was pouring over textbooks during the few hours they did see each other face to face. Probably using it as an excuse to smell the dusty pages instead of what Karkat now knew he smelled like. At least he hadn’t had his heat yet, that was something he was grateful for. At least his body was giving him more time to prepare for what he perceived as hell.

He had asked John once what he was learning, curious what his friend wanted to do the rest of his life. Karkat himself didn’t get any papers; he wasn’t exactly in the system. His destiny was already predetermined as far as anyone was concerned. He of course had to lie to John, something that brought bile up in the back of his throat as he told John how he would stay here, do as he was expected. John smiled like he wasn’t buying it but what else could he do? He couldn’t tell the blueblood that his training, his desire to learn to fight and become possibly the only redblood who had control of their body was anything more than a hobby.

Still, when he ventured outside for food, he stayed out as little as he could because his eyes kept lingering on the trolls he saw. Complete and total strangers and yet his skin heated under the thick clothes he wore. He found that his pace quickened, trying to get out of the battlefield that was now his world. He didn't want to stay long enough to figure out if his reaction was his imagination or not. He couldn't have too much longer. Just because his pheromones hadn't attracted anyone to his actual hive yet didn't mean he wasn't close, right?

Even if this was entirely panic and desperation, there was nothing like the imagination of a seven sweep old wriggler. Just Karkat was at his breaking point and he’d start seeing monsters in the shadows although his heat really WAS many weeks away. Every time Crabdad gave him even an inch of freedom, he found his mind wandering and each day felt harder.

He resisted every influence he felt, difficult as that achievement felt with each passing day. He put the energy he got from what he had dubbed “heatmares” and put every ounce of that into getting stronger. He trained harder to exhaust himself to the point that his body couldn't muster the energy to horrify him. Karkat filled his mind with nothing but battle plans and determination, anything but what his weak mind wanted him to. He was getting pretty good at it.

He forced John out of his mind again, easier now that he could claim forgiveness. Their rebloomed friendship? He couldn't afford to feel anything for John anymore. Who knew how many ways his fucking body could exploit that, using John as a crack in his defense and push him into drooling lust? It tried just that when he was lying aroused in bed, images of John next to him flashing in his mind. Those thoughts more often than not, turned sexual and Karkat was coerced to leave his bed in a hot sweat to take a freezing shower. His body didn’t care if it was the middle of the day or night, arbitrary surges of arousal were becoming far too common. It already felt like ages since he'd last seen John, even though it had been barely a pedigree. How could Karkat miss him so badly, without his redblood weakness forcing him to?

So he trained harder, because when he got strong enough he knew he'd forget John entirely. If he could forget the troll he loved most, his body would give up and let him return to fighting, getting stronger. Any slip of the mind and he knew he would give in, succumb to instinct. He would let John take him and he knew that. He fought it with every fiber of his being. He had to.

Karkat had taken to jogging outside, after all when he would have an authentic fight, he wouldn’t be limited to a small corner to battle. It would more than likely be wide open spaces and he had to learn to run fast, refuse to get cornered. In the end, when he saw John on one of his runs, Karkat immediately turned 360 degrees and retreated back the way he'd come. Unlike his other fighting skills, stealth was something he'd been trained on since birth and making himself vanish was effortless. Common sense? Less so. Karkat registered that he'd bumped into an obstacle that definitely hadn't been there only when a large, strong hand was already clamped over his mouth. Panic filled the short troll, grasping the hand and trying to pull it away from his speaking hole.

"I thought something smelled like bulge-sugar," Nektan Whelan hissed against Karkat's ear and in that split second where Karkat went still, where his mind ricocheted through the possible options he had, before he realized that the only one available was his sickles and knife flashed. He struggled, trying to pull free but Nektan’s grip was too strong, at most he was able to hit the seadweller in the knee. Nektan simply laughed as he pulled up the sleeve of Karkat’s hoodie, holding the small troll against him, drawing blood in the exposed forearm. Nektan growled at the sickles, untying the cord that kept them attached to Karkat’s pants, the sharp blades falling to the ground. Karkat heard the steel blades clatter onto the crosswalk as he forced his eyes to remain open; his desire to shut them and turn his head overwhelming. He did not want to accept this.

Nektan forced a leg between Karkat’s, turning the two to face each other before pushing him up against a tree. Karkat had a look of panic on his face as he looked at Nektan’s cruel smile, one that kept inching closer by the second. Karkat felt a bead of sweat drip down his forehead, breathing growing hard as panic filled him.

 _What the fuck?_ He had spent over a sweep training for this, preparing for a situation that might resemble this one. Yet as he was faced with the very real possibility of this being the end, he was frozen in fear. Of course he was, he was merely 7 and Nektan was 8, already considered an adult. _He was an adult, he had gone to the inner city and…_ He couldn’t finish that thought, his eyes darting behind Nektan as he tried to find a way out, a weakness in how the other had him cornered against a tree with arms blocking his escape route. There was none.

"I love the color red," Nektan murmured, "Don't you, breeder?" Karkat felt nauseous, feeling like there was bile in the back of his throat. There probably was and he flattened his hand against the tree trunk, holding onto the bark like it was the only thing keeping him standing upright.

“Fucking knew something was odd. Lowblood living here? Rich highblood neighborhood? Shoulda known you were a breeder. Musta been a cute grub for them to put you here...we can make so many grubs…” He licked the side of Karkat’s face, at which Karkat made a gagging noise, tasting the redblood. He was leaning over Karkat, lust hazing his eyes. By now, Karkat’s non-heat pheromones were in full production, he smelled just like any other redblood, one of those tied up to the breeding platforms, being inflated like damned water balloons.

Time seemed to stall, leaving Karkat smothered by the oxygen in his own lungs, his own thinkpan paralyzed with its options. Six ways to struggle free and run. Crush his toe, head-butt him in the nose, turn his head and get a mouthful of fin. Kill him, three to distract him, half dozen more to intimidate him before he can do damage. Too many to choose.

He felt a nick of pain in his forearm, Nektan had drawn blood. So inconsequential but the triumph Nektan hissed in his ear said it wasn't and Karkat's options narrowed. Nektan was holding Karkat’s hair and had forced the mutants head to the side and was now nibbling on his neck. Karkat thought he would pass out with how terrified he was. Why wasn’t he able to fight? He was paralyzed.

_Kill him. He's seen, he'll report you. End him now._

Karkat's arms wouldn't move and the sting of tears on the edge of his eyes was every real as Nektan pulled on the zipper of Karkat’s hoodie and the only thing separating him and Nektan was the sweater he wore underneath. He wanted to puke, lest turn to liquid and phase through the tree bark.

 _Kill him. So what if the sickles were gone?_ Karkat had been drilled on fighting without them, on finding a weapon, on using his fists, his claws, his teeth, even his nubby, tough little horns. He was a weapon all over, he'd changed himself. What breeder could fight like him? Apparently none, because even if he was capable of beating Nektan away enough for enough time to run, his body was frozen.

Nektan didn't have enough time to run, his body was frozen.

Karkat's hands twitched at his side and he had more means of slaughtering the troll hissing about the contents of Karkat's nook than he did fingers on his hand but he couldn't fucking move and the leg that shoved between his wasn't wanted there. Karkat’s world tilted. He stared at the other troll, stunned, something fucking degenerate in his thinkpan, obviously, because he had the means to get away and didn't understand why he wasn't taking it. He wasn't scared of killing a troll. That would be so stupid! Nektan was successfully less of a troll than even Karkat was. Karkat was a worthless piece of scum because he'd been hatched that way, Nektan had worked for it. There was nothing to feel remorse over and Karkat wasn't a coward, so how come his hands weren't moving, again?

It was --it was his blood. Had to be. It was this aberrant red slime making him want to fuck Nektan, let him --it was because Karkat was so disgusting. Must have been. He wasn't scared to kill. Nektan still had a clammy hand over his mouth and Karkat did the only thing he could think of and that was to open his jaw as much as he could and bite down.

Biting was honestly more of an attempt not to vomit all over himself than an actual attack but Nektan still made a sound like Karkat had jammed a blade in him and recoiled. Karkat stumbled free, falling to the grass on his knees before rolling over to stare at the highblood. His legs has given up again and he was trying to will himself to move for real. If he started running now, the authorities probably wouldn't be able to track him down. Lest of all, it would get him away from Nektan. His breath hitched like he was sobbing, even though Karkat hadn't cried a drop since he found out what a redblood was. He should run. His legs were trying to buckle and he put a hand on his knee, trying to stop the shaking.

_Fuck, what is WRONG with me?!_

“I’ll make you pay for that. I’ll fucking make you pray for my bulge you no good redblooded piece of breeder shit. You will re-”

He got cut off by a fist to his face. Like something straight out of a rom-com, John was there, there was a crack of fist and bright flash of highblood orange and he was in front of Karkat, nearly crouched. John hadn’t held back, having heard Nektan and seen Karkat and all his instincts told him to murder the damn seadweller who dare lay a hand on his best friend. Nektan lay limp and unconscious in a bush, his rear sticking up in the air, his stupid hat resting on it.

John’s body language was as subtle as a brick. Karkat was his, no exceptions. To Karkat, Nektan seemed to dissolve, dismissed in an instant, because John took up the whole span of Karkat's vision. He blacked out the fucking moons. Distantly, Karkat was furious with himself for having needed rescuing. He'd have protested it but like the rest of his kind, Karkat didn't remember how to speak anymore.

John was panting, his arm still out before it dropped to his side. John's eyes fell on Karkat. His eyes were still glowing with rage, having been drawn into it. He forced them closed and shook his head, trying to make the anger dissipate as well as try and clear the scent that was no doubt lingering in his nostrils.

Karkat doubled over quick. That part of the training had sunk in right when it came to the only person he wanted to have a fucking decent opinion of him. He grabbed the cuff of his sleeve, pulling downwards as he tried to hide his arm. Hissed like a feral because he couldn't say it _\--don't get any closer, don't look --wished for anything but what John's eyes were saying. A fist through the skull. Dump him on a drone's doorstep with a fucking bow around his neck. ANYTHING._

“You should be more careful. Nektan is a scumbag.” Karkat’s movements froze as he looked up at John who was now kneeling next to him and gently pulled the fabric back up and Karkat’s wrist towards him to examine the injury. Karkat had no idea why John had a cloth handkerchief in his pocket, possibly a highblood thing and bandaged up Karkat’s arm that was slick with mutant blood. John uncurled him with ease. He bound the wound like it was nothing. Karkat sank his face into his hands and didn't move again, except for the trembling. John frowned, picking up the sickles and handing them to Karkat and clearly avoiding eye contact.

“Here, you...dropped this.”

John’s face was emotionless, something different from his usual face full of joy and excitement. There was no smile and it looked entirely alien on the troll. John was doing his best not to breathe in all honestly and the small shallow breaths Karkat saw were proof of that. Nektan hadn’t been wrong when he said something smelled sweet. Karkat did and Karkat always would. It was the most John could do to control himself around the redblood, he knew that now. It didn’t make it any easier. John had known and he'd known all along with the way he reacted. Most people wouldn’t be calm when they found out their best friend was a mutant.

"I'm so," Karkat croaked when he could find words in his thinkpan again, "So fucking stupid."

 

***

 

John scoffed, tying the rest of the handkerchief around Karkat’s arm, making sure it wouldn’t slide. “Yeah, I have to admit you were pretty stupid. You should have...I should have...” He let out a sigh, shutting his sapphire eyes and looking at the bandage, pulling on the ends a bit to tie it harder before he stood, stepping away from Karkat.

The troll smelled amazing and yet he was able to control himself. Probably from the adrenaline rush of punching Nektan in the face. Instinct had driven him to do that and it felt somewhat reminiscent of when they were too small to know what blood meant. He had protected Karkat from what he already knew was the smaller troll’s fate. it didn’t mean he was going to let just anyone take Karkat though. He was protective of the other troll. With Nektan out of the picture, he felt calmer.

Far as his mind was concerned, Karkat was his. Even without the pheromones, he had been wanting Karkat in both his pity quadrants, he loved the troll just so much. But it had become clear to John that Karkat was trying to avoid what his instincts told him, to avoid John. John had his own set of instincts now and they were telling him to continue what Nektan started. But that thought horrified John, so he backed up and reached a hand out to Karkat. Karkat took it and stood. Neither troll could look at the other.

“I’m not reporting you. I...sort of already knew? Around the time your eyes started filling in more...with bright red and it didn’t look like rust for long. They’re pretty by the way.” Of course John thought everything about Karkat was pretty and it wasn’t just instinct telling him that. He had liked Karkat even before he started to smell so enticing. The cute wrinkles he got on the side of his eyes when he smiled, how soft his hair was. Those nubby horns. How passionate he got when he liked something or was determined to do something. It was awe inspiring and John wished he could be so determined. There wasn’t anything he didn’t like about Karkat. Maybe the stubbornness and the near eye gouging frustration of trying to get him to open up that made John want to pull his hair out. Despite all those flaws, the redblood was perfect in every other way.

“Listen. We’re in the middle of someone's lawnring and...Dammit. I can’t.” He rubbed his temple, the smell affecting him and making it hard to resist pulling Karkat to him and kissing him. Now that he wasn’t protecting Karkat, he was back to a vulnerable state as he was affected by the smell just as much as any other troll. The instinct to breed was strong and it took a lot of self-control to not jump Karkat. “Look. I’ll escort you to your hive, that way none of Nektan’s posse can get you alright?”

John wished he was blind to Karkat, be able to see him as his best friend still. It would be so much easier, because as it was now, John didn’t even care if he was in a quadrant with Karkat or not. It would be nice yes, amazing. Instinct was instinct however and John could feel the dampness his nook was causing just by being near Karkat. Not to mention the state of his bulge, which he was forcing to remain as flaccid as he possibly could. Easier said than done.

John got Karkat upright. Karkat let his head hang as low as possible. He was avoiding eye contact, no doubt avoiding John to have a look at his 'pretty' eyes and moved on autopilot. John handed the troll his sickles and for the brief second John saw Karkat’s eyes, he could see pain in them. Not the physical injury kind of pain no. The kind that made him want to take the troll in front of him and wrap him in his arms and tell him everything would be alright. Karkat plodded along after John like livestock. He needed an escort. Redbloods relied on protection and John would be that for him. Who else would? Surely not anyone else. They would just take Karkat and spread him open like a biscuit awaiting butter. He would never let that happen.

Karkat, much as he fought it, knew that too. Both boys were capable of what adults could do now and this was more than just quadrants. John knew Karkat would have a heat soon, he smelled like bliss. Not strong enough for him to tell that he was a redblood from afar but certainly this close. It took all his willpower to keep going, leading Karkat home. Least there the other troll had his lusus to protect him. John couldn’t be there for him all the time.

Karkat's face was twisted tight into an ugly grimace of pain. He would be his someday and he'd guessed how to make him compliant. It was manipulative, almost cruel but John didn’t think he was. After all, the friendship was genuine. At least that’s what he told himself. Wanting to hold and kiss Karkat? Totally appropriate for their age. The other stuff? That was instinct. Besides, he was lonely before Karkat moved here. He didn’t expect to fall into pity. Was this even pity or just more desire to keep their race from dying out? John couldn’t be sure. He genuinely hoped it was real, because he didn’t know what he would do with himself if it wasn’t. He couldn’t be sure if he was paying attention to Karkat because he merely wanted him or something else. Maybe that was why he was so protective of the other. Because as far as anyone was concerned Karkat had nothing but air in his thinkpan and thought that he's incapable of love.

This isn’t funny anymore.

 

***

 

he harder Karkat clenched his teeth, something low and hurt building in his throat, the more bitter his thoughts curdled. It didn't ease the sting. He'd taken John for granted. It felt like the other would always be there for him. John didn’t see himself as a friend anymore, that much was clear.

 _John would love him for no damn reason at all._ Karkat would have that thought the first time some stranger shoved him down into the dirt and fucked him raw. He would be forced to pick himself up with that thought and he would lay his eggs and still think there was worth in him. Because in John's mind, there was some rustblooded kid with Karkat's name. That delusion was all gone now. It was amazing that this realization surprised him, he'd been betrayed in every other way already.

He would always need an escort, Karkat realized; his life as a wriggler was over. He was going to need Crabdad or imperial soldiers or whichever highblood had ownership of him to be able to move his own feet from now on. A deserted island somewhere or a cell underground or a breeding platform in the heart of the city. A prison was a prison. He would be confined and others would decide when he ate and where he went and what he bled on and who fucking got rights over his body and his insides and all the eggs he could pump out.

He'd _die_ like that. No matter how many times he was rescued or stolen or traded around like a piece of meat, this was how he'd die. There was no saving him from this. There was no delaying it with muscle and madness, no running from it, no pretending it wasn't there. This was how he was expected to live, not even a troll. He was just a piece of furniture as far as anyone was concerned.

No wonder Karkat's kind didn't think! A breeding nook never needed to have a thought of its own. Karkat wondered why the fuck he'd been born with a head at all. It would be easier if he didn't see the moon’s beauty or hear soft words or have his head packed with defiance.

 _No,_ he wanted to scream, even now _. No, I refuse. Give me something else. If I'm too weak, I'll work three times as hard as everyone else. If I'm too stupid, I'll study myself blind. If I'm not what you want, I will fix it, I will make myself whatever anyone needs, just give me something, anything and I will measure up. I can fucking do it. Let me **TRY.** Let me prove myself!_

Every troll he'd ever met had only two conditions for Karkat's success in life: lie still and fuck nicely like he was made to. He refused and he felt like his blood grew hotter with each step behind John. This wasn’t fair. Why did John get to walk around like he owned the place and do what he wanted? He had potential, he could do what he wanted with his life. Why did he get to choose his destiny and Karkat didn’t? It felt unfair.

Well, fuck that. He would fight this. He would do something. Anything. Anything to change it. Run away and...Something? He didn’t know. All he knew was that all this training was for something. Not just something to keep his body and mind occupied. He would use what he learned to fight. He could feel the anger and rebellion boil up in him.

John stopped walking. He turned around to face Karkat, examining the handkerchief he had tied around the other’s arm. It was starting to soak bright red and wished it could retreat back into his body or make it stop existing altogether. He wanted to hide the red that shamefully flowed through his veins as he pulled on the edge of the sleeve and tried to cover up the offending wound. Even the sight of scarlet blood was enough to excite some troll’s bulge. Karkat frowned, putting his hand over the wound, pretending he was some other color. Any other color, even rust would be better than this.

Karkat was having a hard time controlling his feelings, they were a show of weakness, wiping away any tears that dared to form at the edge of his eyes. He should be fighting John right now, running away from the troll he liked. But he wasn’t.

Karkat was glad he had John right now. At least he knew the troll wouldn’t turn on him and was able to walk side by side to Karkat’s hive. John only growling at a few nearby trolls whose heads turned their way as they passed. Most trolls assumed all redbloods were documented. They assumed because John was with Karkat, that the redblood was his. Even as children, redbloods were seen as nothing more than property, lest an easy fuck. How many other trolls already knew? He was an idiot for thinking he could hide something like bright red eyes and his scent. People’s heads were already turning his way and even though Karkat liked to deny it, that was the truth. But it had been different with John right? After all, John took Karkat’s pity like a storm he couldn’t control. A hurricane of pure flush and pale, one neither troll could control. He really did love John, even if all logic stood against it. If it was with John…

_No. Get that thought out of your head. If I’m with John I...I’ll be just like any other redblood. ...I’ll be loved at least? No. He just wants your eggs and body and there’s no pity here. This is fake. It’s not real. I have to...fuck he’s seen my blood. Fuck._

They got to Karkat’s hive and John sighed, stopping on the porch. “You try and send your lusus out for food runs and other shit in the future alright? Or least let me know...I’ll do it for you.” John clearly was taking an interest in Karkat’s health. Of course he had. No doubt John wanted his future breeder to be healthy. Fuck that, he would gorge on junk food eternal if it meant John saw him as more than just a breeder.

Why did he even trust the troll in the first place? He shouldn’t have. _John was just...Just..._ He couldn’t even think of a way to finish that thought. His mind wouldn’t even allow him to think badly of John. His body already knew it belonged to the ceruleanblood.

Crabdad was in view and John gave a small wave before looking away. “I should get going. I...fuck Karkat. I can’t help where my mind goes when I’m around you. I really need to go.”

John looked like he was having a hard time leaving but he eventually did, bursting into a sprint once he was out of Karkat’s lawnring. He was trying to run. Away from him it felt like. Karkat’s hand balled up into a fist. So this was how it was going to be? John protecting him from everything and everyone now? _Go inside now, Karkat. Go hide now, Karkat. Crabdad can protect you. You'll have to run now. The only thing you're good for is getting shuffled around from owner to owner._

It was Karkat's fault for making John want him, so now he was leaving. Karkat smiled, calmly and watched John go. Why did it feel like he had a lump in his throat? He wasn’t going to cry. His hand had long since fallen back to his side. He didn't know why he'd been reaching for John at all. John wasn't his pitymate. John wasn't even his friend. All he did was rescue.

Karkat stormed into his hive, anger flooding his vision. He wasn’t going to cry and break down like he was expected. Redbloods were supposed to be weak, docile even. Karkat would prove them wrong. He would be anything but compliant. His lips pulling into a snarl, _fuck that noise._

The young troll stripped as he bounded for his block, not caring where the fabric fell. It felt great to be able to feel the air touching his skin. He pulled off the handkerchief, staring at the blood splatter in the middle. He growled at it, tossing it into a corner. It belonged to John. He wasn’t going to join that list of possessions either. He was a troll, not a thing and he would prove it.

The nice thing about being found out? He didn't have to wear his usual baggy shit; he could wear something he could actually _move_ in. Shorts and no shirt at all; his skin would feel like it was on fire even bare. He slammed the door to his room, leaning against the cool wood frame before his eyes shifted towards his dresser. He strode towards it, pulling the thing open until it almost fell out, throwing things haphazardly towards the ground, looking for cloths he could use.

e found a pair of black slacks, pulling them on. He yanked belts tight around his waist. Knives, crowbar, sickles. He abandoned his shoes too, it would be easier, he’d always been faster without them. As his lusus clattered up the stairs, no doubt curious about the commotion, Karkat was already out the window. He hit the ground with a wordless apology to his guardian. His arm was bleeding again, trickling down his elbow. It tickled. Karkat eyed it and found his lips curling up in approval.

Nektan's couldn't have gotten far, he had been knocked into a bush after all. Highbloods healed fast, no doubt whatever cranial damage he endured was gone by now. Nektan no doubt had sent a messenger to the commons, the center of their city by now. They wanted Karkat to be quiet? Quiet as a whisper, as he loped at full speed. He followed the scent the way he'd tracked water as a wriggler. When he caught a whiff that wasn't coming from the direction of Nektan's hive and didn’t smell of troll, he pursued it and the creatures of the woods scattered from his silence like he was a nightmare. The messenger, a sort of bark beast with a pack secured around it screamed as Karkat's knives dragged through its gut and brought it down. His first kill, certainly not his last.. He pulled out the message in the bag, tearing the canvas into pieces, dumping it back into the bag before tossing the messenger and message into the river to float away. Lost in the ocean it emptied out into, no one would know.

There was thunder in Karkat's head as he sought Nektan's hive. It was fear; it was desire, it was rage. He was no match for a seadweller. Nektan had beaten him once. Karkat hadn't ever stood up to him even once. He had let Nektan say anything he wanted, John was the one who fought back if Nektan went too far. If he went into this hive towering above him, he was stepping into the territory of Alternia's greatest predator. He was doing it alone. But Karkat didn't hesitate because ultimately, he'd rather die himself than be rescued again. He could damn sure cut a throat. If he hesitated this time, he'd make sure it was his own.

The first floor was empty and there were three more. Karkat left the lights off and he left the lusus on the floor, throat slit, bleeding out. He had a jagged knife in each hand. He climbed. The pounding in his ears grew louder and louder. He was scared deep down, he knew that. He didn’t let that stop him though, as his feet led him up stair after stair. He reached the fourth floor where it felt like Nektan had been waiting. He didn’t expect Karkat though.

“I expected John. That punch was black solicitation if I ever saw one. Didn’t think he would bring me his breeder though. That’s what you are right? His? I mean that explains so much. Or you turning your back on him and coming to me instead?”

Karkat didn’t even think as he bound for the other. Nektan sent him flying with a single sweep of one scarred fist. Karkat rebounded off the wall, sucked in air, came back swinging sharp. Opened a long, deep gash in his enemy's forearm and surprised them both. Nektan's scream was low and guttural. Karkat's roar was primal fury. Nektan ducked the next two swipes. Karkat's heartbeat drummed in his ears as Nektan took the offensive. Nektan's weapon; a long, ceremonial spear; lacerated the air around him as Karkat just barely whipped himself free of killing blows.

Oh, Nektan was weak unarmed but with the weapon in his hand, it was obvious he'd been trained by the best tutors money could buy. He'd be a general some day and Karkat would be lucky to be his whore for the evening. Karkat tangled his arms, whirled away again, heedless of blood or pain or mercy and when he had Nektan on the ground, stripped raw of arrogance and his superiority, there was only a wriggler left. An adult wouldn't be so shocked at the possibility that he could lose; the wriggler had truly thought he was invincible.

"Please," Nektan choked, even as blood pooled between his fangs, overflowed from his lips and Karkat, trembling with exhaustion and adrenaline and hunt, heartbeat nearly thrumming in his veins, sank his weight harder. Felt the crunch of a spine. Nektan spasmed beneath him. Karkat snarled. He ended. Karkat had violet blood splatted all over, his own barely visible as purple coated him. It soaked his body, his skin. He felt naked. Naked and wet and so small above his kill.

When Nektan's death throes completed, Karkat let his arms drop back to his sides and his head topple back in something like prayer. He panted for breath, sweated, slaughter sinking in, along with the thought that no one could rescue him from Nektan now. There was no Nektan to be saved _from_. He had done this. Nektan's final bleat of terror spilled into his ears again. It would make for a better nightmare. Karkat drew himself off of the corpse, dripping with Nektan and let his knives fall into the spreading blood. He drew his sickles.

_One more stop to make._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Nektan's dead. That was a thing. You didn't expect me to keep him alive did you? Oh man... But yeah. Panels in the future will be done in COLOR. Much rejoicing was had, while my hand cried in agony.  
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	9. John Part 5: Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Karkats way there, the sky was changing colors. The burn of daylight began to threaten Karkat's back, hissing as it first seared the blood coating him away. It felt like he was on fire already with the way Karkat's skin was combusting. There was deathly silence in his ears. The familiar grip of John's gift weighed in his hands, he could breathe easily. This felt right, this felt like the only answer he could give to the troll who pretended he felt pity for a redblood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tagged for Sexual content(quite a lot of it, most of this chapter is smut), violence, and nudity in the panels.

John had returned home, slipping into bed with hurt in his eyes. Karkat knew and he had no idea how to patch up their wounded friendship, or their maybe quadrant. Why did he have to fall for a redblood of all things? Karkat could never be his in reality. He couldn’t have Karkat and even though that was all he wanted, John wished he wasn’t affected by Karkat's scent. He understood otherwise. Were these desires because he pitied the troll?

The few hours before daybreak he had left were spent laying on his back in his bed, staring up at the ceiling while a book, filled with information on redbloods, rested on his belly. He fell asleep not long after, tired from the night. Running, saving someone, everything. It was a lot. Especially to a seven sweep old who was still coming to terms with his feelings.

Karkat being a redblood, his reaction to it, his unsavory thoughts on it. He had read somewhere if a redblood’s first breeding is with only one highblood, they belong to them. Even if it involves legal mumbo jumbo, it would mean Karkat would be his alone. He wouldn’t even make him breed, not unless the younger wanted to. They would be happy and everything would be ok. He fell asleep with those thoughts floating through his mind and rolled onto his side. The book fell off his belly and onto the floor.

 

***

 

On Karkat's way there, the sky was changing colors. The burn of daylight began to threaten Karkat's back. He hissed as the blood coating him was the first thing to burn away, vaporizing it until there was none left. It felt like he was already on fire with the way his skin was sweltering. There was deathly silence in his ears. As the familiar grip of John's gift weighed in his hands, he could breathe easily. This felt right, this felt like the only answer he could give to the troll who pretended he felt pity for a redblood.

He didn't want to disturb the perfect comfort of John's home. This was a place for blissful memories, no matter which ones he pulled from the tangle of his thoughts. He didn't sneak in on the ground floor and put bloody footprints down the hall. He didn't kill John's lusus either, didn't trespass on any of the blocks downstairs at all but instead scaled the hive’s wall with his claws like a B-grade horror movie monster.

 _John never did lock his windows,_ Karkat thought, almost fondly, as he slid inside. _He loved the breeze._ John was asleep in his bed as the curtain moved aside, undisturbed by the soundless entry of his once-friend. Karkat's scent -if any remained beneath the pungent reek of Nektan's blood- wouldn't ever wake him. Karkat could end it in one hit and John would just never wake up.

 _This must be what you had to do when you pitied someone._ That pale ache filled Karkat as he crossed the room to the bed. John didn’t even twitch at the other troll’s close proximity. Karkat then gently, quietly climbed up to reach John's throat and hooked it tenderly with his blade, prepared to pull. John continued to remain oblivious as the sickle was positioned only mere inches from his throat. He was just there, sleeping, dreaming peacefully of days to come. In sleep, John's face was utterly clean of rage or cruelty. Karkat could count his eyelashes like he'd done on the pile so many times before. Could have kissed his cheeks, cupped his horns as daylight began to stream through the shaded window and John's face would have lit up into something of unreal beauty. This was the wriggler Karkat had first narrowed his eyes at and shouted to and Karkat loved him. Effortlessly, helplessly, consumingly, loved the troll in front of him and wanted to claim him as some integral part of his life that could not be lost or traded away. He did not close his eyes. He gripped the bed wall John's head rested against for balance and tightened his grip.

 _One cut, just like Nektan, one throat or the other. It would be better when he didn't have anyone to make his head a mess._ His breeder tendencies wouldn't catch him unawares again. If Karkat did not want to be a redblood, he had to kill this troll, because sooner or later, John would betray him. Blood dripped down his arms, down the blade and stained John's skin. Karkat stayed there, hidden by one of the many shadows in the room and judged himself worth more than the highblood who had lied to him. The sun burned through that lie, because Karkat's hand refused to budge. Karkat stood over John for what felt like eons, muscles tensing and releasing.

Karkat breathed out softly. Even the air, cold against his lips, burned - not with the heat of a troll entering his mating cycle - this was a desperate, helpless anger; the sacrifice of every other thought and wish on the pyre of his freedom. He could burn through his skin like this, become something made entirely of wrath and judgment; he could feel it. Karkat could read the pumping of his spiteful blood and the way the cool air fled from his touch. He wouldn't be a redblood anymore, not now. He'd be something... evolved.

 _Fire,_ Karkat thought, hair slick with sticky residue and sweat tumbling down around the blaze of his eyes the longer he was perched here, hands outstretched and John helpless between them. _I want to be a fire. I want to be pure and powerful and unstoppable. I want to destroy everything in my path._

John continued to breathe deep and peaceful with Karkat's sickle on his pulse. He went unharmed. The sun rose higher, scorching a black line along John's windowsill before the shading curtains caught its lethal rays. Karkat stayed where he was, breathing, waiting, wide-eyed and frozen. He didn't understand why. Why couldn't he move? John's eyes drifted open after what felt like hours. He looked incomprehensible at the troll above him. Karkat, drenched in gore, skin bared to let the kill stain him, armed, breathing and gaze gone pleading as John babbled sleepily at him, Karkat had to touch him.

“Mmm...Karkat? Why are you covered in blood?” He clutched onto his pillow, a dazed look on his face. No, not dazed; he was still half asleep. “Why do you have your sickles out? I don’t see any bad guys or... anything…” He yawned, shutting his eyes again. He truly was a goofball, not even realizing the danger. Karkat let out a weak laugh.

"Shh," Karkat whispered and he shifted, letting the blade press against John's throat for a moment, before it was pulling away again and Karkat's other hand was in the sweet highblood's hair, stroking gently. "Shh, you're dreaming, John. I'll protect you. Just close your eyes..." John's eyes drifted shut and Karkat smiled, shuddering helplessly as he threaded fingers through his love's hair again. "That's it," he murmured, almost crooning. "That's it, pitylove, shh."

Karkat couldn't do it if John knew enough to be scared. If - no, look, - only if the end didn't hurt him. Karkat had made up his mind that John would have peace. The only choice Karkat had ever had, after all, was how John died - because this troll was soft and silly and... alright, Karkat would let himself believe John loved him too, one last time. Just for tonight. John would want to die for him, he told himself and the blade wouldn't budge. If he's gone, no one will ever know I'm a redblood again, Karkat concluded and his arms began to shake.

 _He's the one who's defenseless; it's his fault._ That certainly seemed so, with blood still dripping down Karkat's back, between hitching shoulders. _He's the one who needs rescuing. He's the one who should be weak, NOT ME!_ Why, Karkat thought, teeth snapping so tight he thought his canines would be crushed, _Why isn't he the redblood?!_

 

Karkat strained, blind and numb with rage, trying to force it. He didn't understand why it felt like something in his chest was ripping apart, why his powerful arms shook before an unaware highblood. He didn't... understand... and he couldn't do it. He had sweat pouring down him, fighting so hard with every muscle locked tight _and he couldn't do it._ There was no instinct and no terror. This was no impulse, not after he hadn't moved in so long.

"I pity you," Karkat spluttered, choking on the words, gagging on them. "I pity you, I pity you, I fucking-" He leaned on the blade and recoiled just as hard, protecting his moirail with all his might.

It caught up with him like that. Still a wriggler, bathed in the first slaughter he would make, trying to learn how to kill the one he loved the most. Karkat's mouth opened in a soft, pleading cry as the will keeping him awake snapped. His eyes rolled up and he collapsed against John, sickle loose around his neck, body refusing to fight any further. His forehead thumped weakly into John's shoulder. At least in dreamless unconsciousness, Karkat didn't have any blood at all.

 

***

 

John would wake in the middle of the day with what felt like a sack of bricks on his chest. He moved his head to the side, trying to figure out what was going on, letting out a sleepy groan. It took a few moments but he realized the sack of troll, was none other then Karkat..covered in violet blood. He just looked at Karkat’s sleeping form for a couple of minutes before it sunk in. Karkat was covered head to toe in blood. The only violet blood they knew was...Nektan.

 _Oh god Karkat killed Nektan._ John was speechless. _Karkat had killed someone, a neighbor. Sure Nektan was a scumba_ _g and a lowlife but that didn’t mean he deserved death!_

John sat up abruptly, his blue eyes wide and staring at the small redblood lying on his chest, sending him rolling off and waking the other wiggler up. Karkat looked up at him with sleepy crimson eyes and John heard something clang onto the wooden floor. He peered over it. Drenched in blood and gore, were the sickles he had given Karkat all those sweeps ago.   
If John was sleepy before, all that was gone. Karkat was sleeping atop him covered in a kill and John couldn’t process it. Karkat was gentle, a sweetheart, not a killer. None of them were, trolls didn’t kill anymore after the Mother Grub War. John was shaking, highblood or not he was still a wriggler, still only seven. John did the only thing he knew how to do: bring Karkat close into his arms and hold him. He didn’t care that he was getting dried blood on him, or crying tears onto Karkat’s cheeks.

 

***

 

If only he could have remained in the dark embrace of dreamless sleep. Instead, like always, nightmares that Karkat couldn't wake up from haunted his sleep. He had his hands clapped over his ears, hunched over with his knees to his chest, trying to curl himself into nothing. He was surrounded. No way out.

 _I'm dreaming,_ the wriggler told himself over and over, trying to force himself out of it. _I've had this dream so many times and it's not real. It's never real._ The worst part of knowing that it was all a dream; knowing some part of his mind wanted this nightmare.

Trolls surrounded him and they were thick enough to be a wall on all sides; with mouths gaping open, their jaws unhinged, making them look like monsters. Their eyes were sunken in like corpses, zombies. Zombies who didn’t want to eat his brains but instead fill him with their virus. They were shouting down in fury, trying to grasp Karkat as he ran down an endless field. In the dream, Karkat's ears bled but the blood was rotten and black so maybe they couldn't tell.

_This is just a dream. Wake up!_

Karkat flinched as one of the trolls grabbed his arm and pulled. It was John, John staring down with hollow eyes and a mournful scream, blue dripping from his eyes and mouth. Karkat tried to pull away but John kept pulling, his face shifting, filling with life and... with concern. Karkat's ears were ringing. He stared back, not daring to breathe, swallowing as he realized he'd been woken back up. John wasn't half-asleep this time but Karkat could still…

The redblood scrambled off of the floor, eyes darting as he tried to figure out the right escape route. John's eyes made him shudder. Karkat's growl was half-whine, low in his throat as his feet rooted themselves to the floor at John's scrutiny.

"I," he began, before John came at him and Karkat reached for the sickle at his belt only to be met with thin air. Karkat flinched back in terror and the only reason he didn't duck back entirely was that John's arms were already around him, pinning him. Holding Karkat. It was gentle. No attack. Shaking.

“Fuck Karkat...what did you do...fuck..” Under all that blood, John could hardly smell the redblood underneath, that had to be why this felt like the John of old. The bottom of Karkat's stomach dropped out. All it took was being covered in crusted on bits of Nektan. Nothing about John suggested he was distracted by scent or thought that Karkat was weak or expected Karkat to be his possession. This was just sugar-sweet pale, spilled in every breath. He wanted to take care of Karkat and calm him down. Karkat couldn't even think about the sickle on the floor.

“We..should clean you up. You’re covered in...in stuff. Yeah let’s call it stuff and..dammit. I have some cloths you can wear ‘till we wash the ...stuff off yours. Does that even wash off? Fuck I don’t know. Fuck…” He was still shaking, holding Karkat to his chest.

"Oh god. Oh shit. John, I--" Karkat shook his head, the tremors spreading into him, "--I had to. Nektan knew. He was reporting me already, so what choice did I have? No one can know that I'm..." He couldn't say it. Not what he was and certainly not what he'd been prepared to do about it. Karkat bit his lip hard, face crumpling.

_You can't know, John._

John pulled away, trying to rub some of the purple off Karkats face with his thumbs concentration lining his brow. _He’s trying to remove the evidence of murder,_ Karkat realized. Karkat actually wished he could, for a moment. The redblood turned his face into the gentle hands and kissed the trembling fingers silently. Shook his head a little as he did, playing it off like he was just trying to get rid of the touch. Accidental.

Karkat wanted to put his arms around John's neck and kiss his horns slow and soft. Whisper into his ear that he would always pity him, that if redbloods could quadrant, then Karkat would choose him, that he would rather step into the sun himself than try to cut John's throat ever again. That he was weak and right now, dirty, small and exhausted. He was proud of that weakness, because it had saved John's life. That he wanted to turn back time just so he could be John's for every second before his eyes had changed colors.They sat like this for only Condensence knows how long, John trying to rub away the dried purple and Karkat just sitting in his lap silently, before John pulled away.

“We...we really need to clean up. Fuck, Karkat...what did you do to the body? You’re covered in blood...shit.”

"It's fine," he told John shortly, voice steady. "I can burn these shorts and these are hunting belts. They can be bloody." He shrugged a shoulder. "And the body is where I left it but it won't be discovered for a few days. His lusus isn't..." Karkat trailed off. If he'd managed to kill John, he'd known he would need to take care of Hopdad too. The rabbit would go mad without his wriggler, seek revenge or just waste away. It would have been cruel to leave him. He'd assumed that once he'd killed John, it would be easier to kill someone who wouldn't even know what he was dying for.

Karkat dropped his eyes. "By the time the corpse starts to smell enough to attract the authorities, I'll be gone. So it won't matter. You can send them after me; I don't want anyone else getting blamed. Just." He bit his lip. "Just..."

_Don't tell them what I am. Please. Please, don't let anyone find out again._

Karkat blinked his eyes hard to get rid of any weak tears and then looked up, forcing a smile onto his face. "Sorry. I wanted to say sorry for --for everything and I wanted to tell you goodbye. So, goodbye. It's not safe here anymore, so I'm going to run. I don't think I'll ever stop and that's fine; I was made for this. I'm stronger than you think. But you know--" He found himself throwing his arms out, angry, so very angry, "--it really sucks ass, okay? Redbloods don't have feelings. Everyone knows that, apparently, even me now. So I don't know why I hate it so much, why I'm so pissed. I mean, it's natural, isn't that what you fuckheads are always spewing?! It's so NATURAL for me to bend over and weep with vomitous gratitude that someone is willing to shove a bulge somewhere in my disgusting hide. I don't know if it's just me or if all the other fuckers out there are like me and they just were too worthless to try to fight back. I don't know! I wish I did!"

Karkat's fist crashed into John's chest and, fuck, that hurt. Not enough to clear his head though. He was all but bellowing at John, so terribly angry and nowhere to put it all but at himself. John, for once, was silent and listened. John clearly was taking his time processing Karkat’s words before he let out a deep sigh. “You’re wrong you know. You do have feelings. You do have emotions and you’re capable of just as much as any other troll. I’m not just saying that. I really do believe it. You have the ability to fight, I’ve seen it. You just need more practice and..stuff. You need more... something, I don’t know what but...Karkat.”   
He looked across the room at the wall, not meeting Karkats gaze. _Were his eyes that red they couldn’t even keep eye contact?_ Karkat felt like he wanted to hit John’s chest again and his muscles tensed in preparation but John shifted and spoke before the move could be made.

“I understand you want to run, that you feel you need too..but what about everything else? You’re a redblood. They’ll forgive you for murdering Nektan. Please don’t go. I know it sounds like I just want you to stay for me and part of me is being selfish but I don’t want you to go. I want you with me. Cause you think no one is able to think a redblood can feel emotions or anyone is able to feel emotions towards redbloods. But they’re wrong. Because I fucking love you. So please stay.”

"I want to but you know I can’t, John. I wish I would have some fucking context about why I still pity you --even when my common sense KNOWS I have to kill you! Even when the only part of you I'm supposed to need is your goddamn slurry and--" He yanked a hand through his hair and glared at John, his eyes burned like he was going to cry even though he knew he knew he wouldn’t let the poisonous substance down his face. "I don't want to like you anymore," Karkat said, voice sinking to quiet exhaustion. "I can't. It's going to kill me."

John bit his lip at Karkat’s last statement, his grip tightening like he was struggling to speak. “Liking me is NOT going to kill you. You may buy into that because of the media outlet but it’s a load of shit. Just like quadrants, just like everything having to do with what runs through our veins. That asshole in the toy store? I had a hard time not ripping his fucking arms off for even uttering those words to you. Low and high...I don’t get it. I don’t want to get it. I just want you and to be happy with YOU…can’t you stay with me?”  
"I'm not wrong about liking you and I’m not staying!" Karkat burst out near hissing, face twisting in anticipation of the words John was actually thinking coming out of his mouth -- _you don't really have feelings, you're just nervous. It'll be natural to breed with me once you're used to it. You especially don't have the right to kill or fight because you're another manufacturing unit for trollkind's salvation_  --He was entirely sure he was going to at least punch John in the face for them, even if he couldn't actually kill him. He could at least feed him a good, hard knuckle sandwich.

When he shut his mouth long enough to hear the highblood talking to him, Karkat's face nearly went slack. The color drained out of it. Oh shit, Karkat thought and whipped away from John, facing the wall. His shoulders came up defensively.

John looked at Karkat, like a thought just went through his mind and he stood up, walking up to Karkat and took his hands. “We can run together. Nothing can stop us. I swear, I just want to be with you Karkat. It’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for ages now! I couldn’t give less of a rat's ass that you’re a mutant! To me you’ll always be Karkat.”   
John was wrong; liking John could kill him. Liking John could make him consider staying when Karkat knew very well that once he was on the breeding platform, he was dead. He'd never get off of it again and everything about him that mattered would die because of it. The minute his blood stopped being a secret, the internet had been clear: Karkat wouldn't have any rights once he started being a redblood. He'd have to lay eggs. He was supposed to want to. Even with John, that was just his blood, though; Karkat didn't want it. It had to be his redblood tendencies making him want it, right? It starting to feel right, to feel good, on that first and last date --that was just instinct. That was just was just a breeder searching for ways to get knocked up and--

_And John didn't... didn't agree? He thought...He thought Karkat could love him?_

Karkat's shoulders hitched an inch higher. He stopped breathing. John tangled their fingers and Karkat's were rigid, locked so tight. John wanted him to stay. John wanted a quadrant, or at least something like it. Something where Karkat cared for him and John returned it for only him. He held Karkat, there was no more avoiding anyone, no more pulling away. _They could touch and tell the truth and... and they just were happy like that?_ Karkat couldn't even bring himself to shoot it down with a fucking dose of reality, his chest seized tight with wanting it so bad.

"Shut up," he said quietly, voice ragged. "Okay? Stop moving your lips. Maybe low and high don't matter but low and red aren't the same thing. I'd kill to be a rustblood. Fuck, I already have." He said it to the wall, like he needed the reminder, "You're better than me. You don't care that you are but really, I'm not worth your time. So don't say you'll run away with me." He shook his head. "Don't say you'll drop your life to hide in some dump with my ass and pretend that once I start trying to fuck every troll in sight, you still think I'm Karkat. I don't want you to see it. I don't want it to be you."

John sat with Karkat on the floor, not caring that they were getting blood, gore and tears onto the well tended carpet. “We’ll figure something out if we run. I just...I don’t think I want to be without you. And yes, you’re a redblood. But I don’t give a fuck. You’re you, first and foremost. I have yet to see any indication that you’re anything like...like those redbloods on TV or anything. You’re just --Fuck.”

He looked up and because John had his hands there was no scrubbing the tears that had started to track down his cheeks. One from each eye, slow and faltering, like the mechanism for it was rusted and worn. He still looked a little startled just that he was managing it.

"John, I'm not flushed for you. I don't ever want you to see what I'm going to turn into. I don't want to see what you turn into when you decide it's not worth keeping your blood in check. I don't want to have sex," Karkat's voice broke, "Not with anyone, not for anyone. You can't promise me that you won't want to. You couldn't stand to talk to me for more than ten fucking minutes before, you asshole, y-you..." He swallowed and confessed it, barely a whisper because he was ashamed that the kill didn't come as natural as the other animal instincts that a redblood was composed of, "I can't keep killing every time I want you to look at me, John. I'm not strong enough."

The words hung in the air for a long time. Then Karkat realized he was moving, pulling John down to meet him, nuzzling like a wriggler with gore all over the both of them now, not all of Nektan was a coating of purple. He wanted to infect John with the ruins of his life, voice hitching on the start of a sob as he gasped up, "Please don't tell me you'd run away with me because I'll end up wanting it."

It wasn't hard for John to bring Karkat down to the floor with him in a tight hug, his knees were already trying to buckle. He'd been thoroughly pissed off by his inability to cry and now that he'd suddenly regenerated the capacity for it, it hit him hard. This was such bullshit. John brought Karkat closer into his arms, holding him like if he let go Karkat could crumble like a sand pillar and be gone.

“I would though. You mean so very much to me, I would fight the entire imperial army for you.” He kissed away Karkat’s tears, just like when they were younger; still innocent and full of pity. He petted Karkat’s hair, resting his chin on the other's shoulder, shutting his eyes and Karkat ended up pretending like they were still just grubblings, still in the cusp of youth before any of this. “You don’t need to kill for me to look at you. I always had. Wanna know something funny? I think I fell in love with you when I was four.” He make it sound like he'd do anything to stay together with Karkat. Why take Karkat's resolve and rattle it around in a tin can before he let him go or proved himself wrong? It was all so convincing.

 _This isn’t fair._ Karkat didn't want to do this to him but John pulled out all the stops. John all but cradled him close and promised him all the stars in the sky and kissed away the tears before they could fall. It was painfully romantic, even after all this time spent revealing what had once made Karkat happier than anything else. It made his heart do loops in his chest. Karkat curled into his gravity and hated the way he fit so perfectly into John's arms, loved it, shuddered, pressed his burning eyes against John's cool skin and clung.

"Wanna know something else that's funny?" Karkat said quietly. "I believe you." He tugged John closer to him, no longer giving a fuck about who was dirty and who wasn't, just hanging on for dear life. "You'd smile your head off every time I showed up, like I did something special just by being around. I thought there was something wrong with you. That's not why I fell in pity with you, by the way." Not because he'd liked being adored, certainly not because of any instincts that could show up that early. Karkat had fallen the way dominoes did, like an avalanche. Cascading down as one little event after another turned into one little detail learned about his friend; all aggregating after one another until it was almost like he had no choice but to be in love with him or burst from all the things he knew and cherished about this ridiculous, helpless highblood.

"Thing is," Karkat murmured, "I've already been trying really fucking hard not to grow up and it's not working. I'm going to go into heat." His voice didn't shake too bad saying that out loud either. "Someone's going to screw me and it's not going to be you." He said that tenderly, leaning back to cup John's face in warm hands. "You'd blame yourself forever, even if it wouldn't kill me to lose you like that. And you wouldn't be able to help it, I swear. I mean, Christ, you don't even..." Karkat sucked in a breath. "You think you still look at me? God, John, you don't. You look through me. You just see my smell and all you want to do is get away from me because you don't want to make me miserable." Karkat shook his head. "When the blood comes off, sure, you'll remember that you love me. But that's all I'll be, a memory. The rest of it is pheromones and my new life as the fucking ghost of Karkat past. Okay? Don't make me do this." He couldn't keep himself from leaning in, nuzzling at his pity-love again. "I'll try," Karkat said in sad bewilderment. "I'll try to be yours and I'll try to love you and you can try to put off seeing what redbloods turn into. If you want, I'll try right until the end." Karkat smiled. "But it won't matter. And when it all goes to shit, I'm running."

“It won’t go to shit. It’s just us two here now...and whatever troll happens to smell you, I won’t let them anywhere near you. I’ll help you fight and I swear I’ll never do anything to hurt you.” He held Karkat close, resting his head on the others shoulder, purring. John rarely purred, even during their pale piles in the past. He hummed a bit sure but this was a full on rumbling purr. Karkat really, really doubted that John had the power to change any aspect of Karkat's future. Call him a skeptic but he didn't see how turning overwhelming shame and humiliation into a buddy system experience was going to make it better. Besides, John was already a goddamn pro at hurting Karkat. Maybe it just wasn't supposed to count if he didn't punch him again. Maybe Karkat's feelings were defective. He just figured that when John left him next, it wouldn't be better just because they'd done it before.Then John purred and made a puddle of whatever spine Karkat had left. The smaller troll actually had to untangle them and get away before his own purr started scraping his throat raw.

John escorted him to the ablution block to hose down and Karkat went about it like he'd just fallen in a mud puddle or something. John went to another; his hive, despite living on his own, was built for at least 10 trolls, Karkat could never figure out why. Karkat watched the last evidence of Nektan's life disappear down the drain. The scent of blood was replaced with soap and John. It was like he'd never tried to escape.

With purrs still echoing in his ears and the ghost of cool skin on his, the scent of the highblood made his face heat in a good way. Karkat wanted to roll himself around in things that smelled like nothing but John. Wanted to coat himself in this smell until he couldn't help but babble with purrs, just lying in a pile of Egbert belongings, surrounded by pity.

Under the warm spray of shower water, Karkat's thoughts drifted and just like that, he had John there with him in that pile, smiling and joking around. Karkat peppered him with light, glancing kisses, able to giggle as John pressed him into the soft piling items. Their mouths found each other, Karkat shuddered. His head spun and warmth began to dip lower. He was enjoying his daydream and didn't want it to end, so he nudged it away from those slow, unending kisses and dream-Karkat sat up to cuddle, still purring. Better, perfect, exactly what Karkat wanted to picture. John squeezed him and settled him down into silken pillows to nuzzle. As Karkat purred dopily at him, John gently crushed his mouth back over Karkat's and slid a cool hand between his legs, guiding them apart --

 _And now,_ Karkat thought sourly, prodding at his hand to make sure he hadn't broken anything while socking the shit out of John's wall. _Letting his mind wander in the shower was officially forbidden forever._

 

***

He made it out of the shower with his blush mostly gone, just red ears and general twitchiness. The dramatically displeased scowl was mostly the result of having gone fishing in John's closet and been able to turn up not a single shirt that did not hang off of him like a dress. The one he chose in the end was possibly the least horrible of various assorted options and it kept trying to slide off Karkat's shoulder, he could start a new fashion in being irritatingly undersized. He hadn't even attempted pants. He had a pair of shorts on that he was basically holding up with one hand, since apparently, John was built like a tree trunk and didn’t know what a belt was. When he made his way downstairs he found John lounging on the couch. John opened his mouth to speak, looking as if he was trying to force the words out. Karkat stopped him before he even could.

"Shut up, you gargantuan palooka," he cautioned his friend before John could comment and plopped himself onto the sofa, in a grumbling knot of Karkat. It felt like a snake slithered down his throat since it did not escape his notice that John was giving him that look again. Dazed and a little too sharp and tempered with what Karkat was tempted to call longing but that made a headache bloom between his eyes way too quickly, so less of that.

"It's back, huh," Karkat found himself muttering, shoulders up. "Is it --how bad is it?" He glanced over at John, chewing his lip. "...Do you think it'll fade after a while or something? I don't want to make it worse for you. Shit! I should go."

John sighed and turned his face away. "Don't go. You don't need to, I’m perfectly fine." John didn't say it but Karkat knew what the other was thinking. The blueblood's eyes didn’t leave his lips for a second. He couldn’t say he didn’t want to press his own against the other's either. Resisting that temptation? That grew harder each day. Not only because his own body was maturing more with every passing hour but because Karkat was, no doubt, getting closer to his first heat. Part of him wasn’t scared of it anymore. He didn’t want to admit he wouldn’t mind John being the first to breed him. But that meant he would have fallen to his kind's faults. He knew once he lost himself, he would walk up to that breeding platform and never leave. He refused.

"You say that," Karkat muttered, giving a short sigh, "But you..." _You already can't even pretend to look at me anymore, can you_? Karkat dropped his eyes too. His fingers twisted together into a heap in his lap. John's scent was all over the shirt and Karkat wanted to bury his face in it, pursue the dizzying feeling that he was safe and wanted where he was. He had no clue as to why he felt like that. The kill was off of him and John wasn't doing anything but squirming and avoiding eye contact and looking like breathing was painful. Karkat felt like scum.

"Sorry," he muttered. "I'll go, just--" He shifted, meaning to lean over, give John a kiss on the cheek if nothing else --some small show of affection. It wouldn't mean as much as spending a morning pale with his sweetheart again but it would be something. John lunged at the same time. Karkat made an entirely embarrassing squeaky sound of alarm, backpedalling into the cushions with a 'whump' and then John was on him. Their lips touched and Karkat froze and something warm electrified his spine. The highblood drove him back further, flattening him into the cushions, kissing him hard. Insisting on it. Once, Karkat had chirped from John's kiss, a wrigglerish expression of concupiscence.

Not anymore. No, as John all but drowned him with the kiss, Karkat moaned. The sound was raw and pleading, panic inducing to Karkat's ears but the way he felt under John had every muscle slowly going slack. Except the ones used to arch up to meet his mouth further. His claws dug into the sofa in alarm, it felt good. John's scent all over and his weight and the firm grip he had on Karkat were like a maelstrom of strange, unfamiliar delights and Karkat made that sound again, opening his mouth to lick cautiously at John's taste, his body overheating. He pulled away, barely, like thinking straight would maybe resume if he had oxygen in his lungs and John was just as eager to kiss back. Everything about this situation screamed yes, Karkat heard himself coo in appreciation and he didn't resist.

Why not? It felt so good. It was just kissing. This was just --John pitied him and Karkat wasn't trying to pail him, was he? No, he wouldn't. As another moan spilled, the smaller troll was purring, giving up his grip on the sofa to cling to the stronger highblood, running his hands along the powerful, blush-inducing shape John had grown into. He liked it and his brain was in a fog, promising him that if no one pailed, he was allowed to like it. He was allowed to feel good, allowed to grab the shit out of John's ass and grin up in infatuated, drunken glee. John moaned and Karkat was gripping the highbloods muscular buns tight, like they would flee if he let go. He found himself grinding against the other, instinct.

"Haha," Karkat wheezed between kisses, "Fuck, why are you so hot?" He felt a wave of heat travel down as John’s lips moved over to his neck, nipping the skin, marking the spot as his. Their combined weight made the couch sink a bit but Karkat didn’t really care. He could feel his bulge starting to unsheath, the umber tendril filling the front of his pants and a damp spot forming where his nook met his underwear. That was normal nowadays for Karkat, so he ignored it.

Fuck, this felt so good he didn't want to stop. He never wanted to leave John, just preserve this moment in it's entirety forever. They didn't have to have sex. He didn't want to, regardless of what his body said.

John’s wandering hands slid down to Karkat’s hips and he arched up meeting them eagerly. He shuddered as they slid down to rest on his hips, mouth pulling apart from his in another moan, this time fractured between stunned gasps. He squirmed, just to feel the cool, broad palms on him and squeezed his own handfuls of highblood ass letting his hands climb higher, tracing the muscles of John’s back as their kiss continued and deepened. Karkat drank his moans, purring back happily, hands at last finding a home around John's horns, greedily keeping his mouth close for kissing, admiring the strong chitin under his fingers. John growled possessively into Karkat’s mouth, titling his horns closed towards Karkat. Karkat had no problem finding the bases to squeeze and massage restlessly while opening for John's tongue and moaned again, louder.

"Fuck Kar..." John nipped at his neck, the smaller troll panted and his breath caught on a disarmed, comforted cry as John marked his neck intently. When John pulled away he was admiring his work, eyes on Karkat’s flushed neck. When John moved back, Karkat fought him, growling a little but John's strength was to his advantage, as was the fact that kissing melted Karkat. It wasn’t long before John returned to Karkat’s swollen lips, continuing their flushed activity. It seemed to almost make John stronger. He fumbled his grip on the highblood's horns and sank back weakly against the couch, gazing back with half-lidded eyes and swollen lips still parted from seeking him. He was a mess, shivering slightly, hair wet and snarled from the shower, slumped on the sofa cushions like he'd been knocked there by a rampaging lusus.

As John looked at him, Karkat whined softly, short chirrups encouraging John to kiss him again. The pleasure of it bolted down hard enough for Karkat to feel nearly numb, hot and strange and dizzy as John ground on him, he threw his head back, purring like a radiator. Shifted his hips back to return the inexplicable sensation on John grinding on him. It wasn’t long before John's hand was between his legs and he rocked his hips into John's hands and thought nothing of it, of the way his skin seemed to throb, the way his cries were inching from blissful moans to mating trills.

 

 

 

 

For the record, holding a highblood's alarmingly muscular ass while he was being ground on? Very distracting. Karkat couldn't be blamed. It did not occur to him that he might be asking for sex. It just felt good. Or it did until Karkat felt some very definite movement between his legs and yelped, all but catapulting himself out from under John. "What--?" He had his legs apart to stare between them in horror, hands up like he was worried it might explode if touched.

Karkat Vantas has not indulged his internet education any further than the details of his kinds' reproductive nature. He had not seen porn. He was vaguely aware of the mechanics of a bulge but he certainly hadn't touched himself and he even more certainly hadn't thought there would be this much movement.Or that he'd extend it around John. Oh god. Oh fuck. Suddenly Karkat was all too aware of what he'd just tried to do and his head whipped up, eyes huge and full of guilt and fear.

"Uh," Karkat hedged and then slapped on a completely artificial smile. "John? You, uh... okay? Over there?" He swore to fuck, if John so much as blinked at him in a mating fondness fashion, Karkat was going to break speed limits with how fast he'd be out the door. John growled at him, lust clouding his blue eyes. Karkat felt like he was looking at the cold stare of a highblood intent on getting what they wanted. There was no anger there, just want. He could hardly move.

He had that sinking feeling where he realized belatedly what a fucking idiot he had just been. It was hitting Karkat with a vengeance now as he tallied up, with growing horror, all the impossibly stupid things he'd just casually carried out. Made out with John like the hopelessly infatuated redrom heroine? Growling and chirping and cool hands still all but burned into his thighs as Karkat fought to press closer? He checked them off in his head and, worst of all, Karkat hadn't even realized he was doing it.

Instinct kept him calm and encouraged Karkat to soak in the affection and moan and stick his bulge out. Fuck, if he hadn't noticed, would he even have stopped? Would he have even figured out how badly he'd screwed up before--.

 _Goddammit, STOP THAT. Karkat really wished his fucking bulge would quit squirming already! When would it pull back? Better yet, how did one go about forcibly stuffing it back down its own fucking sphincter so it would leave him the hell alone?_ He growled at the lump in his crotch--the thrashing had gotten a little sulky now that Karkat didn't have a heavy, solid highblood to rub himself against and was seriously contemplating just punching it a few times to see if that worked. Right after he figured out how fast he needed to run from John.

John followed him as he moved across the couch, slower now that Karkat had proven how fucking desperately he needed to kiss him and pressed another gentle kiss to his mouth. Karkat whined, shuddering as he succumbed to the touch. All melted and warm. He nuzzled warily at John's hand as he was petted, letting John guide him closer again.

_As long as... as long as he didn't...Didn't... what was it again...?_

Karkat's arms hugged around John a little jealously and he crooned, nipping lightly and pulling away so John would follow him, settle closer, deepen the kiss again. Karkat smiled into it, floating, pleasure spilling through his veins and his bulge gave a hungry, thrilled throb from a clever stroke of John's tongue. Karkat arched, hands flying to John's shoulders to ward him away.

"Oh no, oh no, fuck, oh no," he babbled. "This won't work. Fuck. I'm sorry. I want to kiss you but...goddammit." Karkat could feel himself turning bright red. "Goddammit, that wasn't pale. If my fucking bulge can recognize that, I'm just screwed, ha --that was the wrong choice of words --because concupiscence leads to problems, which we discussed, oh no--" He was well and truly panicked now and tried to lurch to his feet. He stumbled, falling to the floor only to look up at John, still perched on the couch.

"Christ!" He yelped in dismay and glared at John. "Flushed feelings don't make your legs give out and turn to jello! Tell me what the hell you drugged me with!” Karkat meant for this to come across as a solid threat. What he got was a strange, sultry purr rounding off his words. For some ungodly reason, after making out and grinding on and plastering himself to John, it felt like the best way to interrogate him was to flirt. Karkat's bulge squirmed again and this time the troll's hands did snap down. He would physically restrain the stupid thing if he had to. Fuck all aspects of his life. John merely shook his head, a hand reaching out for Karkat to help him back onto the couch.

“Yeah they do. I felt that way around you before. Like my knees would give out under me.” Karkat took his hand and was pulled up into another kiss, he felt like he was melting. Karkat was well aware that at this point he was no longer glaring at John but just sort of pleading wordlessly for John to...what exactly? Karkat didn't know whether the half-strangled need in his chest was to be let go of or kissed again but John was too close to not be kissing. Karkat's mouth seemed to feel a physical pressure for it and he was boiling. He shook his head.

"I'd remember if you weren't able to walk," Karkat growled at him. "I would have freaked the fuck out. I would have been intensively crying on you." His bulge kept moving in his pants, straining to be let free, the front starting to stain red. Karkat’s eyes drifted to John's crotch, instinct no doubt and he noticed the front zipper was open, exposing green boxers with little ghosts on them. He could see the movement of Johns tendril moving underneath. The slow movement of Johns bulge under the grey jeans he wore and how even with the chill of a highblood, warmth seemed to radiate from there. Karkat...fuck. He couldn’t think. Mouths parted, panic clawing at Karkat's throat from what these kisses were doing to him, trying to force the offending area still with his eyes and he saw John's bulge instead. The leaking blue, the swell where Karkat knew his friend was moving underneath the thin fabric and its slower, calmer motions. John wasn't panicking but perfectly comfortable, it seemed, with his bulge at attention for Karkat to look at. Did --did John want it out? Was John going to...?

“John I-” John cut him off. Karkat shuddered back into the cushions, breathing harder as the kiss renewed, as heat spiraled up, out of control --SO FAR out of control --and he did everything short of spontaneous combustion to keep his bulge from moving again. Screwed every muscle tight, balled his fists, whined sharply against the mouth of his pitymate.He didn’t want to feel anything and squeezed his legs together until he couldn’t tense them anymore. He wanted to numb the repulsive feeling between his legs, get rid of the warmth traveling there. It made it feel worse, the sensation doubling. John’s gentle touch sent shivers up his thighs to his nook. He thought he would cry.

“You smell good you know that? Not just because you’re a redblood. But because you’re you. “ John pushed Karkat into yet another kiss, not hearing protests and if there were any he ignored them. His hands ran down Karkat’s sides again, going to lift the other’s shirt off. Karkat couldn’t believe he let him. They could...keep their pants on right? No bulges or slurry had to be involved. He just wanted to run his hands down John’s sculpted back. He felt another pulse between his legs and he pushed away.

"No, stop." Karkat's growl shook too hard to sound at all authoritative. "Don't say that, don't talk about my fucking smell you--" John captured him in another kiss and held him there. Worked like a charm. Karkat went slack, trilling in helpless enthusiasm, hungry-mouthed and hazy contentment in his eyes. More, more. John knew what he was doing. As John kept his mouth busy, Karkat's bulge pulsed in his shorts and his nook spilled warm crimson down his legs. Karkat's bulge, pinned under his friend's crushing weight, was jerking spastically, long since overloaded after how careful Karkat had been to avoid touching himself. It felt like liquid gold, or something equally impossible. So good he was going to cry. It didn’t even have to be sex, he barely noticed as John stripped their pants off, kicking them to the floor. Karkat didn't see anything that John did, no petite redblood spread out and whimpering for the taking. Just his friend above him and the fog of need he wasn't prepared to fight.

Karkat panted sharply, mouth seeking John's desperately now, moans spilling fast as John climbed over him and shoved his legs apart. Karkat's hips bucked for it, sent a fresh pulse of red from where it welled deep in. It dilated his gaze with lust. He trilled again, calling his mate closer.

"John," Karkat moaned into the mating call, even the thoughts of _yes_ and _more_ fraying into overwhelmed, shocked static. His body seemed to dissociate from him, full of an unbearable want and feverish heat. His hips moved to follow his friend's, his kiss -swollen mouth ached for more and as John's hands gripped him, helped him, took over, that felt reassuring. Natural instinct. His mate would know how to use Karkat's body. Karkat wasn't expected to do a thing. John couldn’t stop and it didn’t look like he wanted to. All there was to do right now was to kiss and hold the redblood beneath him. He couldn’t help the grinding, the sensation of fabric being the only thing keeping them apart. John's lips were too soft to leave alone for long and indulging them melted Karkat further and further, buried in the highblood's arms and scent. His purring was thinning out the longer John rocked his bulge along Karkat's. A steady, sultry trill took its place. It wasn't just that his nook was throbbing. His /whole body's/ pulse seemed to be originating where John pushed, speeding to follow the pace of John's grinding. More and more, Karkat relaxed, letting his legs collapse. Only the muscles of his stomach and hips were allowed to function, as he helpfully bucked along John's bulge, gasping in bliss.

_Terrifying. Unfair. Wonderful. Exhilarating. Save me._

"John," Karkat breathed again, his body seemingly falling away entirely, the highblood all but filling his vision. Karkat hugged his arms around John's neck, purring quietly, giving into it like his trust was absolute with a highblood rubbing himself between Karkat's legs. "...John."

John’s name being called seemed to pull him out of his stupor, the highblood blinking a few times as he hovered above Karkat. “Yeah? What is it?” He leaned his forehead against Karkat’s, wanting to be as close as he could, while still letting the other talk. Most highbloods wouldn’t give that opportunity but once again, this had to be pity.

God, if this was Karkat when he wasn’t in heat...what would happen when he was? John was mere inches away from Karkat’s face and his lust-sick gaze trailed over the highblood’s chest and face.

 _Nothing could ever feel so good and be wrong,_ Karkat's instincts promised and he felt himself tighten inside, perhaps searching for eggs to meet what he wanted John to do inside of him. Karkat arched like he was being filled even as it did, the smaller troll's motions beyond suggestive and into the territory of not even realizing they still had their boxers on. When John pulled back, Karkat's chest cinched tight without realizing why.

Something in John's eyes, maybe. Karkat's face went hot, a burst of white-hot pity slammed into the lust he was full of, like an uppercut. The fog flung itself back just so Karkat could look at the troll ripping his bloodpusher apart and he smiled softly, turned his head and bared his neck for John to mark all he wanted. Claimed.

"Glad it's you," Karkat murmured, holding John as close as he could. There was no stymying the truth spilling from his tongue. "...wanted you to be mine since the day I fucking met you."

John let out a deep sigh moving off Karkat. "You don't mean it...that's just your instincts talking. Hell mine are trying to listen to them...." He let out a chirr, running his hand down Karkat’s muscular arm. “You have no idea how much I want to drive you down and make you mine.”

Karkat blinked up blearily with John just looking longingly at him, enough for Karkat to stare into the blue of his eyes and have thoughts that made his bulge arch fiercely against his shorts. "...Mean it?" Karkat repeated.

Honestly, the physical behavior of Karkat's body didn't feel like he had anything to do with it. He hadn't called his bulge out; it had just happened. He hadn't been trying to make his nook wet. It was more of the same, with the way his voice kept drawing into instinctive sounds to cheer his lover on, or the way his hips wanted to move, or when he saw that the troll made him feel so good. John was almost numbingly intent on having him marked and he could only tilt his head to grant access. He couldn't mean any of this. It wasn't his choice. He was a redblood and he had to feel good.

Karkat grinned up lopsided. "Ha, I don't mean this?" John was moving away, nervousness spreading on that perfect grey face. Karkat, completely collapsed, too weak to stand and follow him, was basking in enough hormonal cues to keep him sedated well through the evening. He stayed calm, though he chirped enticingly to see if he could beckon John back over. He nuzzled the highblood's hand as it strayed too close.

"You're so fucking dumb. When we were brats, I wanted you to be a toy or something. My best fucking friend. You weren't supposed to pay any attention to anyone but me. And then it was pale as paint and now..." He smiled softening into a sort of bewildered rapture. "If this is flushed, I'm glad it's you. I wouldn't want it to be anyone else I feel good with," he laughed, giddy. "I wouldn't. Wouldn't. Heh. You know, you're not allowed to pay anyone else attention, I'm serious." Karkat giggled and found his hand somehow between his own legs, letting his palm find his bulge and soothe its struggles from under the fabric. "I've always wanted to you to be all mine. Who would have thought I was supposed to be yours too?" He only distantly registered that he did not want to be touching his bulge, that the sensation should disgust him. It just felt good. He wasn't doing anything but playing, stroking over the fabric with little hums of interest as his body responded. "I pity you," Karkat murmured. "Always have, always will."

John made a bit of a choking sound as he looked away. “Believe me, I want you too. I pity you so much. But this is..this isn’t what...I know you Karkat. You wouldn’t want to do this...even if I do. Fucking Damnit. I’m trying to think about you alright and…” He was sitting on the edge of the couch, shaking violently as he tried to hold back. John hadn't seemed nearly so sad before, when he was letting Karkat have his mouth and feel his bulge while he growled. He needed to be pulled close. It wasn't quite the cuddling Karkat wanted but he needed John to nestle against him and he knew from--from the city, right? John would look delighted no matter what Karkat did. His hand felt so good and Karkat couldn’t help as a moan slipped out. His eyes focused on Karkat who continued to palm his bulge and giggle, the red leaking through his pants and John's pupils turned to slits. John let out a possessive growl, launching himself on top of Karkat, holding his wrists away from the bulge. The split second before, both Karkat's hands were glued to himself with breathy little chirrs spilling from his lips, feeling like he'd pass the hell out. He kissed and sucked Karkat’s neck, his hips rolling against Karkat’s. Harder, stronger. He moved Karkat’s wrists to one hand, holding them above the redbloods head and used his free hand to palm at the other’s hot summer night, the chill sinking through his skin down to his bones. He knew, somewhere, that he didn't like being told what to do and that he shouldn't like John ripping his hands off of his throbbing bulge to replace it with his own and drive down. He shouldn't like being held down and marked over and over like he didn't get a vote about whether his neck was glowing with claims.

His body loved it. Before he knew what he was doing, Karkat had his head thrown back and was trilling louder at being dominated, his blood was like fire, hottest between his legs. There were no words. He only got louder as John wrestled his wrists up and settled his hand against Karkat's ache. With a few short presses, it got to the point where the slightest prod of fingertips against his nook made a flurry of desperate trills come out of him, eager to be explored there. He might not be in heat yet but the instincts were in place already. Maybe in the back of his mind, Karkat knew he was about to fuck and that he'd like it, because some part of him had to be thinking ahead to be surprised about what came next, right?

John’s bulge was moving slowly underneath his underwear and once out of his boxers Karkat honestly thought he died. His heartbeat returned after six or seven misfires and seemed to wrench out of his ribs. His vision went all white and his body jerked hard against John, writhing as if it could shake out the sight of coiled, slick bulge. John's bulge. Karkat screamed in excitement, teeth snapping shut against the sound as the feeling persisted until his ears were ringing and he was panting harder than he could ever remember. He felt like he'd about sweated to death and between his legs, he'd soaked himself with slurry. Bright red, everywhere. Well. He'd ruined those shorts. Was it his imagination or was the temperature in the room rising?

Not his fault. He blamed the size of that bulge. Too beautiful, too well-endowed for a fucking wriggler and now Karkat wanted it. He hoped John couldn't feel what his nook was attempting beneath John's hand but that might be a moot point because Karkat was pretty sure he'd just cum. John was probably picking up on subtle details like that. But hey, on the upside, these thoughts felt reasonably coherent. Karkat panted up, completely winded, wrists still pinned, rapidly blushing enough to light his own hair on fire.

Karkat felt possessed, letting John nip and suck on the grey skin of his neck and shoulders. He wanted to mark it all, leave as many bright red spots on Karkat’s skin as possible. There was already a decent number of them he was sure, all of them bright red. John knew what it meant, bright red meant breeder, something that was Karkat’s destiny since the day he was hatched. Something was off with that thought. Any other situation and he would normally have silenced his mating impulses. John’s hand pressed harder against the fabric of Karkat’s pants, feeling the warmth seep through the fabric, tainting his grey fingers with the slurry of breeder.

_No..._

"...Let go of my hands," Karkat managed, not squeaking as badly as he would've expected. He was shaking bad, realizing what he had let transpire. He was ready to take hold of his destiny by the horns because of John. How weak was he to let his bloodpusher control him like that? He needed to get away.

John heard Karkat’s words and he gently let go of Karkat’s wrists, his free hand moving down to rest under Karkat’s chin and tilt it up into a kiss, his eyes fluttering closed. Fear went ignored, as John inched away, taking a few deep breaths before their eyes met. The other looked downright seductive right now and the hormones coursing down the river of his blood wasn’t helping. Karkat's head spun and he pushed some of his bangs out of his face, just admiring Johns sculpted body. God the other was hot...No. He couldn’t allow himself to think that, he had to get out of here before he toppled headfirst.

 _One shot,_ Karkat was thinking, breathing harder as he tried to gather the fragmenting of his thoughts. _Just look at John. He looked fucking rabid over what Karkat had been doing to him before. No, there wouldn't be help from that corner._ _So one shot to run._ Better make sure his fucking jello legs didn't crumple because Karkat was so far from okay and there was no way in hell he could fight John off right now. His face burned. He'd fucking come. He'd gotten off on John trying to- -very obviously --put Karkat to use and as humiliating as that was, he couldn't have that tantrum now.

One shot and then John would know that Karkat was going to try to escape and Karkat didn't think he'd be allowed up a second opportunity. It wouldn't be John's fault. Before at least one completed breeding, even if John tried, he'd probably just find himself pinning Karkat again. If Karkat was close, he couldn't mate with others. If Karkat was close, sooner or later, one of them would succumb to the natural order and all it would take was John to be inside Karkat's nook for a second. Karkat got the picture.

John kept grinding against Karkat, kissing every inch of the redblood. The last few croons of the other. He knew Karkat had cum, he could smell it and it only made his head spin. He eventually gasped, arching his hips towards Karkat as he came all over his pants, a blue stain covering the front. Youth had it’s advantages when it came to breeding.   
They couldn’t last as long, their shameglobes not big enough to hold what an adult could. It was basically one round and done. And even if all they did was make out and grind, it was enough to send both boys over the edge.

He let a final, shaky croon limp out of his throat, straining to let his instincts parade his seductive qualities and convince John he'd like what happened if he let go of Karkat's hands. Karkat would prove himself compliant, just look. He arched himself snug to the highblood, ignoring the wet sensation of the shorts and purred. John’s bulge movements slowed and eventually stopped afterwards, the tendril slipping back inside. He was still kissing Karkat though like his life depended on the contact.

"Please?" Straining to keep his head above the water. John's bulge was still out. Karkat could feel blood rapidly plunging lower again. Charming. Needed to take his shot fast, then, as soon as John let go. No way he could smile at John right now, so he just nuzzled gently along the highblood's jaw, which wasn't hard at all, with the way John was making him feel. For once Karkat was not completely fucking oblivious. The only reason Karkat wasn't stuffed with a bulge right now was because some part of John was still in this room with him, Karkat pitied him back. Karkat wanted to kiss him until he cried.

One shot but Karkat already knew John would let him go, didn't he, because he waited for it, holding John's slitted gaze. They kissed, Karkat leaning in to share it. Ten more seconds and he'd move away but John had a look on his face like perfect reverence and his hand soft against Karkat's face, unheeding of the claws Karkat stroked along his bare skin. Karkat tasted him without realizing he was trying to and found himself, instead of fighting free, resting his palm almost tentatively against John's chest. He didn't know why he thought it would work.

"I need you to let me up? Okay?" Karkat shifted, where his legs were still pinned under dazed highblood "I need to stand up and I can't be under you right now. Probably not in the same hive either. I need to get home."

John didn't stop but continued grinding as Karkat clung to the tremulous remains of his self-control, blocking out whatever sensation he could and focusing on John above him, precious and needing his help. The redblood bit his lip and resumed pushing his exhausted bulge against John's, chirping breathlessly to encourage him do what he needed. John looked wrecked as he did, shuddering over him and growling, staring at Karkat like he was trying to burn a hole through. He expected it but it didn't quite keep him from flinching. The sounds, the scent and the way Karkat's eyes refused to part long from the sight of John's slurry, made the little troll whine. Yeah, because usually you might get your crush straightened out during the first real make-out--but getting shot on was a little much. Especially after having his first orgasm fucking ever. He should be really fucking content that John hadn't done that inside of him but to be honest, he was currently horrified with himself for a whole new set of reasons.This was the least romantic thing to ever happen on Alternia, he was pretty sure, between trolls who actually pitied each other.

John clambering off of him only proved his point; what kind of highblood gave a shit about a redblood's opinion when there was a wall of instinct that should have been mashing him right back down against Karkat's prone form? If John had any sense, he'd be insisting they go for another round and make sure that Karkat was filled up once he was done. This was pity, Karkat was realizing, John wasn't kidding or deluded or confused. This was really pity and maybe their first attempt at an actual date since the outrageous fiasco that was the city and they'd spent it squirming and coming on each other. Karkat grimaced. John kept hovering over Karkat, not moving except to turn his head away, sighing deeply.

“Yeah, let me just...give me a second…” He glanced down at his blue jeans. The stain wasn’t too visible....He looked at Karkat and blushed. “Uhm on second thought, yeah. I should help you get home.” John took Karkat's hand and helped the other stand up. “We should get going though, I…I don’t know how long I can think clearly around you anymore and...I don’t know what will happen next time.” Karkat didn’t want to find out either. Karkat was a redblood and John’s pity for him as well as hormones and pheromones led to this. The only reason they didn’t fall hard on their knees to instinct had to be because there was pity there. It had to be. John took a few steps towards the door, helping Karkat walk there. John hadn't stained him much but Karkat had slathered himself emphatically with redblood come. Maybe it had been built up in there. He did feel sort of lighter. A lot lighter, because his head spun when he stood and he nearly toppled straight back down on his face. He mumbled his thanks to John, who was very intensely helping Karkat stumble for the door. After Karkat pulled the shirt over his head, the shorts and their stains vanished entirely.  
“Come on, it’s only a block and we’re...uhm. I think people will leave us alone. Far as anyone is concerned...we mated. Even if we didn’t. Fuck Karkat I don’t know if I can...I want to.” It was too painful to listen to and Karkat...

"Yeah, sure," Karkat snorted. "People will leave us alone." He smacked John upside the back of the head. "You're the only one who has been close enough to smell me, dumbass. You and Nektan and he's dealt with. Anyone who comes up to us will assume we went to the city, fucked a local breeder and then wrestled with each other or something." Not that the hivestem wasn't growing suspicious. They probably knew there was a redblood lurking around somewhere but Karkat was being careful. If he fucked up, well. He had a pretty good idea of how to handle it. Don't smell anyone, don't kiss and for the love of god, do not let anything happen in the vicinity of his bulge. Thankfully the irritating organ had crawled back into its sheath. He felt a lot calmer without it twitching. Maybe that was just how it would work. Maybe they just had to come and once they did, everything would be fine. Karkat could probably figure out the mechanics of how to do a handjob. Problem solved. K it would just be him, John and a ratcheting heartbeat telling Karkat that he liked the troll next to him a lot.

“I’ll see you later alright?”

When John kissed Karkat, Karkat didn't hesitate to slide his arms around John's neck and deepen it into something slow and lasting. He purred firmly, not willing to act like he didn't like it and gave John a rather teasing lick before he pulled back. "You will," Karkat said flatly. "Absolutely NOT be seeing me on your couch again, John Egbert. Jegus Christ, what exact member of the stupid society of Alternian chucklefucks does one have to be to fucking--" He flailed a hand and growled, "/Deploy weapons/ and not even go on a fucking date? Ergo." He kicked John in the shin, lightly. With pity. "I'm taking you on a fucking date. Clear your schedule and prepare to have your mind blown like the romance-deprived blatherskulk you are. Now get lost before my lusus tries to eat you." He leaned up and kissed John again, unable to keep from grinning a little.

"And, you know. Thanks."

John looked like he had been handed the pink mood with how wide he grinned, hugging Karkat and giving him one final kiss. “I would love that. A real date I mean. It would be nice.” He always did want to go on a date with Karkat, a real one. The only one they really had was a single movie, followed shortly by..well. What had changed Karkat so negatively. He did let go, blushing again.   
“Mhm” John turned, doing his best to remain calm as he walked home. John no doubt had the smell of redblood clinging to his skin. Karkat wanted to die but that was alright, John wouldn’t tell. Karkat’s secret was still that...secret.

 

***

 

Karkat's journey into his hive was a sort of cringing process, expecting at any point to be the victim of spectacular arthropodic drop-kicking. When it didn't come and the lights stayed off, he thought, with frail hope, that he maybe wasn't in enough trouble for the first time. Maybe Crabdad had just decided to sleep until noon and not even concern himself with Karkat's absence from training.

_Uh-huh. That’s perfectly feasible._

On the upside; his muscles were getting back in order. Karkat leapt about a foot when he heard Crabdad's clicking and then plastered himself to the wall in as adeferential a position as he could manage. Crabdad however had a very sharp nose and could smell the scent of sex on Karkat moment he walked into the living room. Crabdad looked like he wasn’t sure whether to screech at Karkat that all his training had been a waste, or glad his charge was still alright. It felt like a staredown before Crabdads expression calmed.

_Welcome home wiggler. Would you like me to draw you a bath?_

 

That was all that Crabdad said. No comment on obviously wearing John's clothes, or the scents of slurry, or the fact that Karkat had vanished for the entire day. No interrogation, no lecture, no sneering. Just a calm offer of help. It effectively summed up all the parental concern and affection Karkat had been denying himself since his training had begun and he looked up to give his lusus a small smile.

"That would be great, thanks.”

It was a damn good bath too. Training that night was brutal--to make up for the time Karkat had missed, he supposed --but Karkat made his way through it with ease. He felt energized in the strangest way. Almost like he was still floating on concupiscent hormones. He fell asleep and had the usual nightmares of being mounted and filled. Not for the first time, his body confronted him with some sick pleasure from it. He woke up before it was John who was on top of him though, so that was a win and successfully negotiated his ass-backwards bulge into its sheath. He had a date to plan and a troll to sweep off his feet. He didn’t get that chance.

 

***

 

Karkat had never thought it would be like this. He could feel the blood drain out of his face as his lusus informed him that he was beginning to smell of heat. His heart lurched in his chest at the news but he had expected it all along but still, there was supposed to be some lead-up, right? He was supposed to feel it coming for him like the breaking point of a bone, like a monster. There should be omens of his destruction. He wasn't supposed to be halfway through his toast and thinking of all the stupid ways he could woo the troll he liked so much.

Shit. Must have hit him early. Why hadn't they just --they should leave. They could still leave, right? Karkat didn't feel strange! He could probably just keep running; he'd been alright with John until they'd been close enough to touch. He could outrun anyone in the jungle. He could --Crabdad merely put another bag of cement around a door.

_The place we are going won’t be ready for at least 4 perigees._

Karkat was clearly approaching heat, barely able to think and often staring off into space. Within days, Karkat would endure what Crabdad had seen break redblood after redblood: The need to mate.

_At the very least, with you..I will do all I can to prevent it. I care for you so much my treasured child._

Trolls had been gathering around the neighborhood, trying to seek out the redblood. A date would only further suspicions. He wouldn’t let Karkat out of the hive, screeching angrily when his wriggler tried.

“I need to see John.”   
Crabdad crooned at the other, moving aside curly thick hair from Karkat’s face, trying to calm his wriggler. Crabdad was already sealing off all the entrances to the hive. Karkat closed his eyes for a moment. Bit back the thousand desperate grub protests he wanted to make. He wasn't a kid anymore.

_Child, you are so very important to me. Please stay inside. I don’t want to see you get hurt. It’s just for a short time. There is food and-_

When he opened his eyes, he took the sickle. Gave his lusus a nod. "I'll face them with you," he said, "If we --if you get overwhelmed, just run. It's okay. I don't want to watch you fight until the end. Hell, if you don't want to fight, you don't--"

 _Don't have to die over a lost cause?_ Was he really going to say that? Karkat got cut off, his head focused on the door. Karkat couldn't tell if Crabdad had heard him or not but after the last show of affection, the lusii’s attention was elsewhere. Their hive had fortifications and it was time to put them to use. Karkat, jaw tight, took a moment to sit down with a strip of leather cord and bind his fingers to the sickle. Best he could do. If he lost his shit, at least he wouldn't be able to drop the weapon. Maybe even if he was ready to breed, it would intimidate--

The hell was he thinking, like this hive had already been breached. The wriggler sucked in a deep, fast breath. Doors weren't down yet. It was methodical, eerily so; he'd never thought he'd have his head in this hive. But Karkat began to walk from room to room, touching the walls, hugging anything he could to himself. If Crabdad smelled it, Karkat could spread it, probably. If the whole hive smelled like redblood, he figured that would confuse the fuck out of anyone who got in. They'd have a harder time finding him if he had to hide. Might slow them down.

 _Try and keep them off you. I know they will come. But try and fight. I don’t want to see you break my child._ Karkat’s heat hadn’t even begun and yet. _I can see them, the eggs under your skin._ Karkats free hand flew to his stomach, running down it in shock. He could feel them, the faint bumps. The eggs that were ready to make him want a bulge inside him and it made the back of his mouth taste of bile.

 _I’m an old lusus Karkat, you know this. I’ve watched so many of my wrigglers become what you don’t want to. I’ve seen it break so many. I want to at least say I’ve saved one. One of the precious children I have watched over the sweeps, my precious, precious children._  It sounded like a war outside.

***

 

If felt like eons but he could hear it get louder deeper into the night. The door was splintering. Karkat took another deep breath but it felt like there was no oxygen in the room. There was a pang between his legs that he refused to acknowledge and he joined his lusus at the hive entrance, bristling, baring his teeth, ready. They watched the doors collapse together. Karkat's head started to spin as outside air intruded. More than just the trolls from their neighborhood, huh? He smelled... foreign smells. Strange, heady scents that made his legs want to buckle. He couldn't tell if he was just shit scared or if he wanted to lie down for other reasons altogether but let his legs shake; his spine was iron and Karkat almost felt like his thoughts were clearer than usual.

The door split. The first troll whose head pushed forward, fell in a spray of blood and his head stopped rolling at Crabdad's feet. There was a pause and Karkat almost thought that maybe they'd go home. Trolls didn't kill anymore, they had to understand. The roar he heard was straight out of his nightmares. Felt like a hundred voices, raging and screaming over his scent, the sight of blood, the mindless instinct to sire their young before anyone else could. Cold sweat, a furious throbbing between his legs and Karkat dug his claws into his grubscars until the pain had him seeing straight. Next person to put a hand through the crack lost it.

It blurred, after that. Karkat wasn't sure how many times his lusus had to stop fighting just to shove Karkat back from the entrance as his thinkpan fogged but they held the bottleneck until sunrise sent the trolls scattering. Karkat was covered in blood. He hurt all over. Bruised up like he'd been sparring all night. The throbbing in his nook had picked up to an ache he couldn't ignore and he was shaking with cold --it was a million degrees out; it wasn't cold. He was dripping sweat and his skin felt hot to the touch but his insides were cold. Had to be the fever of the heat. At least he didn't feel that different. Not yet. He was getting close but not quite there.

The fight ended. He helped Crabdad board up the entrance as best he could--his body had started shaking from more than the adrenaline drop-off and his strength kept vanishing when he didn't expect it. Troll one second, noodle the next. They broke down the weapons racks and the remaining shelving still in their hive --most of the furniture and other comforts were already gone, thrown out to make room for where Karkat would be trained. He still had some furniture in his own block. He supposed they'd use that tomorrow.

He felt like he was possessed when the first surge of utter need went shooting up his spine. The little troll reeled, fumbling for a while as his legs gave, eyes widening in shock.

 _Resist it. Resist, he had to_ \--he cracked his head back against the wall with a cry of shock, bulge spilling out in a rush, nook soaking and all but on fire. Needed it. His hips rolled and he didn't even notice, just saw his lusus looking at him, old eyes full of pity and grief and Karkat couldn't--couldn't look like this in front of him. He stumbled away, rushing up the stairs. Stairs were the hardest thing he'd ever done. Karkat barely crawled, gulping for air, eyes watering as his body screamed for someone, anyone, to sate its drive. His feet were gone, he collapsed twice and hauled himself up on shaking, feeble arms. He held out until midway up, where his hands were on himself and he was all but screaming his mating trill, squeezing himself and rubbing harshly against--he didn't even know; anything. No idea how he got the sickle off. His fingers pawed clumsily against the bindings and Karkat had to give up and shove back between his legs for a few more gasped breaths. Somehow he wound up with two hands again. As his bulge and nook were touched, it got worse. He couldn't stop. Karkat's chirping picked up frantically, begging for anything to come help, grinding as hard as he could on the warmth of his fingers. Everything was sticky and senseless and by the time he had the bed under him. Slick fingers fumbling with himself, wishing he had never been born. No such thing as pride. He got it now : He needed it. He felt like he couldn't think, couldn't do anything but touch and sob because it had taken this lust barely twenty minutes to hurt.

He was vaguely aware that he made it to his block, vaguely aware that he had fallen again and couldn't reach the doorknob to close the door. Vaguely aware that he was rutting on the floor like something lower than an animal, sobs turning to desperate moans. He couldn’t think of how he would be able to fight like this tomorrow. He thought of how he might not survive the day's wait before his breeding. His fucking thinkpan was repeating over and over how it was only a few hours until sunset and then he'd get to breed as many times as he could handle. Had no idea how he got his cloths off as he drove his hand into his nook. Karkat gasped up a squeaking, pained keening and let his bulge drive into his own nook when he had moved his hand away to try and wipe the red gushing out of him. Hadn't known he could do that. His head toppled back in shock, a deadening calm spilling over him as he fucked himself. Sedated, the young troll followed his instincts and it took barely two minutes before he came. It filled him up with sharp heat.

His eyes fell on something that didn’t smell like his and he scrambled towards it, holding it to his mouth. John. It smelled like John. Why did it...it was Johns. Probably left over from a sleepover from ages past. Did it matter? It smelled like another troll and he breathed in the scent as he collapsed with his back against the bed. It was shortly followed by the mutant taking off his pants and underwear, his legs spread and palming his nook and bulge like the redblood’s life depended on it. John toppled out of the closet at about the same time Karkat thrashed off the bed, yelping in pain. John had flailed his arms and taken a handful of cloths down with him, a shirt hanging from one of his horns as he lay facedown on the carpet. That was the worst entrance ever.

Karkat's nook clamped to agony, rejecting the slurry from his orgasm like some kind of toxin, his knees giving out as he collapsed on them. The worst, worst part was that this didn't clear his head even a little. Lust hit him like revenge and his nook felt like it would rupture but he was still shoving fingers in it and squeezing his bulge and writhing anyway. In front of John, which should have been mortifying but Karkat didn't have any room to be miserable about that. He was so close to tears of actual pain, staring at John sightlessly as he fought to please himself.

Karkat's eyes fell on the wide open window of his bedroom, John must have climbed in.

_Damnnit John of all the.._

The scent communicated itself a few seconds after. _Troll. Troll in his respiteblock. John? No. Just a troll. Anyone. Anyone that can fuck me._

Karkat moaned in utter desperation, the lust for this troll nearly splitting him in two. He opened his legs and trilled demandingly, his pheromone thickening through the air, beckoning this lucky challenger to take his prize. His hands scrambled back, looking for something to brace against instinctually --over the sags in the floor where Karkat had paced his drills because he couldn't sleep, the stains where he'd done push up after pushup on hands too blistered and bleeding for weapons practice, the sickles his best friend had given him as the mark of a warrior. No clue which one did it but Karkat heaved a growl of pain and rolled over fully, curling up and shuddering. "Get out," he choked. "Get out of here. Not you."

John took a few seconds to sit up, his hand over his nose. Karkat could see blood dripping from it. Great, he not only had a troll in his room but a bleeding one. It pulled at his pity and he wanted to get close, comfort him. But then again it stirred something in him that kept his ass planted where it was. He growled lowly, eyes focused on John.   
“Karkat. I’m here to help.” He growled louder as John crawled on his hands and knees towards him, backing up until his back hit the wall. When there was no where to go, he tried to move regardless. Karkat didn’t get the chance. John was cupping his cheeks, not caring that he got a bit of blue blood on ashen skin. He kissed Karkat, pushing him down on the floor as the other chirped into his mouth and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Karkat couldn’t resist, his eyes fluttering shut. Every instinct in Karkat's body told him to breed, with the soft troll pressed against him.

It was mere minutes of him fingering Karkat later that he felt warm hands on his bulge and his eyes opened, looking at Karkat. “Stop...I know it’s not...it’s not what you want. I mean..I want it. All the asshole bulgeweeds outside want it. But..fuck. I’m trying not to Karkat...please don’t.”

“Please John…”

The sound that spilled out of him was as much grief as it was hunger, low and aching and he spilled tears down the blood on John's fingers, John’s strong hand was still on his face. He didn't have to check, he already knew his legs were apart, welcoming John into him and John kissed him tenderly for it. Might as well have told Karkat how much he'd like it. Karkat shook and tried to beg, please no, please not you, /please, you can't see me like this and gasped in awe as the highblood fit ice cold fingers into him. His hips surged up for more, arms flying up around the solid promise of John's body.

Karkat cringed as John babbled at him, he couldn’t even understand the words, couldn’t remember them. Karkat was drawing in tighter, shaking violently. Awful, dragging spasms that felt like they were getting ready to break his spine if he didn't let go of his knees and let John mount. He tried to repeat his command. His throat glued itself shut and by the time Karkat was even aware that he was breathing, not just suffocating with the need to claw at his throat, he was ready.

_Why wouldn’t John just…?_

John's hand dipped lower, cupping Karkat’s crotch, his arm shaking a bit. His fingers dipped into Karkat's bare nook and he shuddered a bit. It was so wet there, like dipping his hands into a wet and sticky hot tub. He began to finger Karkat, shutting his eyes. Karkat’s body rose and fell urgently, seeking the fingers inside of him, the bolts of pleasure that cold inside his heat offered, trying to coax the touch deeper. The noises were messing with his instincts. Even without the smell, John was affected. Noises were part of it too it seemed and he couldn’t help when he came on those cool grey digits. Karkat’s hands stroked gently at John's back and shoulders in time with Karkat's babble of pleasure cries. He lifted his hips again and again. When John's scent and chill didn't go further than gently playing with his nook, Karkat's hands dropped lower, moving to the highblood's bulge to pet with shaking fingers. John's eyes opened. The color of his blood was bright enough to sear.

Karkat growled softly, shifting to wrap his legs around John's waist. John couldn’t help as his mouth opened when Karkat wrapped his legs around him, his free arm going to hold the mutant’s leg around his waist, keeping him there. Hadn't been able to move at all before but this was easy, this was basic. John should have already filled Karkat a few times before he got tired of it but Karkat knew how to coax. He let his warm, shivering body pin John's hand between them and rocked teasingly against it and the rest of the highblood's body, purring just enough for John to feel the hum of it. He couldn't have done otherwise with cold intruding inside. He already wanted to come again, just feeling John shake. Live and breathing and wanting him. Karkat couldn't wait. Trying to fuck on his respiteblock floor, all his things heaped around them, all the ploys of strength he'd tried to amass and all it took was John's hand to make Karkat only have eyes for the ceiling, ready to be filled and pounded until he had a brood. Instinct told him exactly what to do and Karkat couldn't have spoken if he tried. But redbloods didn't mark their breeders, so there was no telling why Karkat had attached his mouth below John's ear and sucked down gradually, kissing as he did. He must have been defective.

John couldn’t help but moan into it, moving Karkat's head away from his neck and onto chilled lips, Karkat’s lips parting as his returned it. He just knew that he wanted this troll. Sex or not, he wanted him.   
Karkat’s eyes fell on the blood when they parted, wiping off John's face and licking it. It tasted sweet and he leaned up to lick it up. John responded by gasping, staring at the redblood as he lay back down with blue sprinkled on his black lips. John’s eyes turned to slit. John growled, his fingers pulling out of Karkat, pushing him against the floor. There was a part of him, a very small part--that was sobbing with gratitude because now he could not fight anymore; he could finally stop. He could rest. Karkat could only want the troll in his arms was want him and want him, another cascade of need set off from the first. It was how avalanches felt. It was destruction. Everything Karkat had built was destined to fall on its knees and like a fool, he had kept building. No chance to regret it now, trying to put some mark on John before he performed the function of his destiny and found out what his wreckage looked like. His body and his voice begged like it was everything and when John tore his finger free and drove Karkat down, Karkat just swelled with relief and desperation and mindless hunger.

Instinct. Everything was instinct and pity and sex. John nipped and bit at Karkat's neck gently as he wiggled himself out of his pants, his bulge ready. Wrapping cool arms around Karkat's shoulder, bringing him close, holding the redblood for a moment. Karkat chirped in excitement. Finally.

John didn’t take action though, instead he just kept holding Karkat, resting his head on the other’s warm shoulder, his eyes shut. “Instinct or not, you’re my pity...my love..fucking damnit…”

John was stalling. Karkat fumbled with him, stroking the other trolls grey bulge with overheated fingers, guiding it when John was still, just holding him, bringing it inside. John's leg was in the way and Karkat was disoriented, clumsy, shaking too hard to manipulate John's bulge the way he needed, couldn't get it in. He whined with impatience and with something more, hitching sobs stuck in his throat as John growled and waited for Karkat to bring him inside.

He did not feel the avalanche and he did not see John getting off of him with his eyes. Or rather, John being peeled off and flung away. Karkat screamed as he watched Crabdad bolt into the room. The giant white crab didn’t even try to pull the blueblood away. Instead he slammed into his stomach and flung John aside like a ragdoll. John’s head hitting hard concrete wall made a loud cracking sound and Karkat couldn’t tell if that was the wall or John’s skull. Karkat stared, going from laying down on the wooden floor to sitting, backing away from his crazed lusus. Karkat stared in horror as John fell lifelessly to the ground, a trail of blue blood coming from where skull impacted wall and began to pool on the wooden floor. His left horn has been fractured, blue blood oozing from it. Karkat couldn’t tell if John was dead or just badly hurt. He couldn’t, too much a tangle of hormones and lust to process what just happened.

Karkat, in shock and unable to move on his own, submissive instinct and mating impulses keeping him sedated for however many trolls would breed him --could be picked off the floor. He heard it before he felt it, honestly, with the feverish tangle of his senses. Heard the roaring and eventually heard the clattering on the floorboards. Someone was tearing away, Karkat bouncing in their grip. Down the stairs, no more block. No more John. Someone must have --Karkat gasped, looked up, expecting a bigger adult troll, seeing crabdad must have been a hallucination after all. But no he vaguely saw the stark white of his lusus through bright red tears, eyes wide and mandibles gnashing, before a cloak was pressed over Karkat and even through it, the light blinded him.

_No. Crabdad wouldn't just--carry them into the sun, would he? They'd die. I don’t want to die. He'd said to run, he'd--_

He clung to his lusus tightly, sobbing like a wriggler. Even then though, his throat burst with mating cries, anything to draw any adult down on him and his body. His body denied the mating it had expected, suddenly was lost in a rush of blackness. It was painless at least. When Karkat woke up--which he hadn't expected to--he could hear screams and screeches and the crashing of weapons. He was on the ground, tucked under tree roots like a cage. He could see his lusii’s legs. He could see the trolls massed around his parent and the blood running down the white carapace as his guardian shrieked with pain. Karkat's body readied to breed, lurching with need and desperate, eager affection for these trolls who were going to come make it better. He'd woken up because of them, for them. They would help. They would not deny him.

They would use and use and use him up and when he came to his senses, he'd realize they bred him alongside the corpse of his lusus. The only thing in the world that had ever cared about him would spend its last moments watching his wriggler degrade himself with pleasure. The person John loved reduced to trash that could fuck his parent's murderers. That Karkat Vantas was so willing to fall to everyone's expectations.

As Karkat watched in horror as Crabdad fought, his lust progressed into anger. It would be one thing for him to fail to protect himself but Crabdad was putting his life on the line for what felt hopeless. He watched as his caretaker, his lusus, his parent if he so dared use the word fought and killed for him. It didn’t seem fair, why fight for a hopeless cause? He couldn’t bare it any longer, forcing himself to sit up, try to do anything but lay around like a coma patient. Another set of instincts took hold. He didn’t even think about it as he pushed aside the leaves hiding him under the gnarled roots. A few of the trolls roared, expecting the redblood to give himself up, spare the massive crab protecting him.

He still thought, with the first two that fell, that perhaps, he had crawled out to make himself available, to save his lucii's life. By the fifth, he was the one standing in front of Crabdad. The trolls teemed before him, nothing in their eyes but the same mindless mating impulse and Karkat's mouth opened to chirp.

He roared, at the top of his lungs, sickles tight in his fingers and where the lust had been forced into him, he filled with animal rage. His heat ended with a small, gasping mutant rebel named Karkat Vantas, unbred and slowly, slowly, he drew his spine straight and looked at his lusus and the sickles fell out of his hands because of how unfamiliar anything but helpless sorrow looked in his parent.

"I won?" Karkat gasped, stumbling closer and his lusus reached out, just as exhausted as he was, drawing Karkat close to chirr pure reassurance. "I won."

_My pride, Crabdad whispered to him, cradling his wriggler. My little one. Karkat._

Karkat closed his eyes and let that wash over him. His name. He still had his name. Karkat Vantas hadn’t become just another nameless breeder and he wouldn’t.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so proud of some of the shading I did on these panels. Sorry for the lack of updates, my beta is lazy about checking for mistakes and stuff.  
> That being said, the next update won't be for a while since I am going to be out of state for 2 weeks in September as well as needing to finalize a few details on the next arc. So next update sometime in November more than likely.  
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	10. Snowflakes in the Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The winter is supposed to be a time for festivities and snowball fights and it is. But it comes with a heavy price: Growing up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tagged for: Two tons of white bullshit and angst.

Dave had acclimated to his surroundings and his new home. After all, such things tend to happen after almost a sweep of living somewhere. Each stone felt familiar, every hallway was just a pathway to the next room. It was now he who led the way for the young; not only because he knew his way around the castle and his age but because he was starting to take care of them. He would deny that he was gaining the same instincts to nurture that Karkat seemed to posses but damn if he didn’t comply with them. If he saw someone crying he instantly rushed to them and tried to soothe the distressed child, ask them what’s wrong and make it better. He hated the maternal instincts he seemed to come equipped with but it was better than the other ones he knew would develop, the ones he already had.

He was growing up and it felt like time was going by too quickly. There was hardly more than a week until he turned seven. Dave was feeling the effects of it and boy were they effective. He often found himself in moments of solitude idly thinking about something childish like young teens were bound to do, only to be assaulted by thoughts of a vulgar nature. It was those thoughts that often had him sitting under a cold shower as he tried to cool off his burning body. His bulge was starting to fill in, the grey tendril sporting spots of bright red and becoming longer, all while his nook began to leak bright red on his undergarments. His body was filling out and he was becoming taller, his features becoming more adult by the day. He was growing up and he hated it.

Dave knew if he’d remained in his hive in the south, by now the authorities would have taken to watching over him. They would be waiting for the moment he began showing signs of heat and force him to breed; like livestock waiting for the slaughter. He would have been powerless to stop it. The mere thought of it sent a shiver up his spine.

The mental image of him bent over and latched into a stock while his nook was pounded and slurry sent into his seedflap made his throat tighten until he couldn’t breathe and he coughed up his frozen breath. The mere thought of being so gravid he wouldn’t be able to move made his stomach twist and his mouth taste like bile. He knew that if he was caught he would be forced to lay eggs that he wouldn’t even get to raise. It was too much. He was grateful to Karkat, he was protecting him from a fate that was possibly worse than death.

He often woke up in a cold sweat, daymares of sex and pregnancy plaguing his mind. That morning from yet another daymare that he forgot within seconds. His body, however, remembered as he slumped back into the comfort of his bed, feeling the warm slick that coated his inner thighs. He groaned and shifted his legs and rolled onto his side as if that made the situation any better. The bed was warm much unlike the air hitting his exposed face. Winter was present and making itself known. The perspiration he felt on his body was unwelcome in his warm little fortress of soft bedding. The wind that kept blowing on his face from the paper-thin hole in his window was highly unbidden. The weather was already unpleasant and the dread of leaving the warm embrace of his four fuzzy warm blankets just made it worse.

He poked his chin and face out from under the layers of blankets, glowering at the window. Frost had ravished the pane of glass, swirls and branches of ice coating painted upon its surface. The north had always been written in books as being cold and Dave could say that they weren't exaggerating. The days started off warm from the blazing heat of their sun but the cold winter chill took root as the night progressed. It began with the few clouds often seen throughout the rest of the year converging together before the icy water turned into crystal snow and fell.

The hiemal nights reminded him his wriggling day was descending upon him. It only served to make the troll curl back under his horde of blankets akin to the way a dragon resides under its mountains of gold and precious jewels. He had started to dress warmer, keep a coat and mittens for when the heat of the day faded and the chill of the night cradled him in frozen arms. At least he wasn’t the only one suffering; those of the warmer castes were bundled up in full winter garb. Although the higher blooded trolls wore sweaters, they weren’t affected nearly half as much as the maroon and bronze blooded members. Those of the cooler castes didn’t require layer upon layer of warmth, their origin being further up north. It didn’t matter now from where one’s caste originated; it was all intermingled. Everyone suffered in the winter.

Dave wasn’t a fan of it. He hadn’t needed the thick hide coat in the south but now he required it, lest he turn into a snowtroll. A good two feet of the frozen blanket fell early that night and they were marinating in the 2 tons of white bullshit. As Dave walked past his window, he could see the light of the moon reflecting off its frigid surface and turning the sky a mix of green and pink. His pupils dilated as he stared up at the dark purple of the sky and watched the white crystals fall down. He was still struck by awe every time it snowed. The others had looked at him funny or like he was insane the first time it snowed that sweep like they thought snow was a norm. They had grown up with snow falling in the winter and this was just another day. Not to the troll from the south; he had seen snow in movies only. Like many trolls, Dave thought it was only something that happened on other planets, not something that could happen on Alternia.

Dave grumbled as he let his blankets fall to his shoulders before shrugging them off entirely and letting them fall to the futon. He made his way to the window and peered outside between the frost-glazed patterns to see the blurry shapes of young trolls. They were playing in the snow, bouncing snowballs off each other’s heads. Dave heard a girl shriek and his eyes fell on the troll with the double braids and deer horns fighting to shake the snow out of her coat. Someone had taken a handful of snow and dumped it down the back, no doubt the frozen liquid making contact with her bare skin.

It looked like fun and Dave couldn’t help the wide grin as he bounded across the room and withdrew his clothes. He pulled down a warm knit sweater and boots from the closet. He then considered just how cold it was and pulled out the monstrosity of his winter jacket lined with fur. It could have been fox, he couldn’t quite tell.He almost broke his door in his eagerness to get outside and taste the crisp winter air. The cold wasn’t as savage while he was all bundled up but the chill still nipped at his skin. The chance to do something carefree for once was too tempting and he wanted to take part, to be a wriggler just like every other troll got to.

It was chilly and cold but nothing beat a good snowball fight. Fighting was in a troll’s instincts and even if this was mere harmless fun he wanted to participate. The moment he opened the thick cedar door and his left foot crunched on the fallen blanket of fresh snow he was met with a particularly rude greeting. A snowball smacked against the side of his head and a high pitched wail emerged from his throat as it dripped down the back of his coat collar. Snow had gotten into his ear, making it redden with cold and swell from the impact. His arms flew behind him and Dave brushed the snow off as if he were trying to dislodge a particular annoying wriggler. He gasped in shock as he turned in the direction of the attack, eyes blown wide as he met the giggling figure of his assailant. It was Kanaya, her exposed ears dusted jade. She was dressed warmly, a scarf covering most of her face. He had never expected such an attack from the sweet wriggler and he knew then what it meant.

Kanaya had started a fire in Dave as he brushed the last of the snow from his shoulder and gave her a wide grin. She took off the moment Dave scooped down to produce a snowball of his own, leaving deep imprints of his footprints in the snow as he chased after her. The snow stuck to his pants, clinging to him like velcro as he ran. Kanaya was fast on her feet and it was all Dave could do to keep up and attempt to return fire. He never got a chance to fire, tripping over a rock that was rendered invisible under the snow. Dave toppled headfirst into the snow, cursing as he tried to pull himself from the bank. Every time he placed his hands down for support they would sink in up to his elbows and he'd have to flail to get them free again. He reconciled his defeat and lay face down in the snow for seconds but the effect was there. His face stung with cold and he had lost his snowball. When he raised his head he saw a few people standing there staring at the fallen redblood. Kanaya had approached him and held a mitten covered hand out to him. Dave was apprehensive to take it feeling like it was an offering for someone helpless.

In his stubbornness to not look like a complete and abject failure, Dave put his head back down in the snow and started to move his arms back and forth. He was going to pretend he meant to fall and his intent was to make a snow angel. He heard laughter and a plop next to him. Kanaya had laid down on her back and joined him. He grinned and exposed his fangs, moving his arms and legs more until he felt the angel was complete. He stood up and took a few steps back and admired his work. The angel looked odd due to his head turning, it looked like it had 5 horns. Hilarious truthfully and he couldn’t help but snort when Kanaya stood up and a giant clump of frozen water was stuck to her hair.

 

“You look downright ridiculous.” Dave said, covering his mouth with his gloved hand. He chuckled as Kanaya brushed the snow from her hair, which was a shame because he had quite liked the way the snow made her hair stick up.

“You might find my appearance humorous but do you know what I find enduringly funny?” Kanaya had that look in her eye that someone only got when they had something evil planned. Dave was hesitant to ask but that was interrupted before any words could escape. Instead, the sound of an ancient lusus exited his mouth as someone had stuck an icicle down his coat. The sudden sharpness of the chill felt like hot iron and he could feel the water dribble to his waistband as it melted. He pulled it out, brandishing the melting blade like a sword. The tips of his fingers were red under the thin black fabric of his gloves and he was grateful he had them. They were already cold and tingles were shooting up his arms as the contact with the blade of ice progressed.

Trolls armed themselves with icicles, snowballs and hid behind trees and snowbanks. This was war and Dave was grinning and laughing like a maniac. Snowballs flew through the air and it was the most fun he’d had in awhile. He laughed even as a snowball hit him square in the side, sending the teen stumbling to the left and caused him to drop the three perfectly formed snowballs he held. Snow crunched underneath their boots as they ran, chasing each other down without mercy. Children screeched as snow hit them, sending them toppling back in the snow as their boots filled with the cold. Dave’s lungs burned with the cold chill that filled them and he didn’t mind at all. This excitement, the rush of adrenaline in his veins as he pummeled the others with snow and got hit back made him feel like he was four again, with not a care in the world. It felt like the war had lasted mere minutes but it was nearing daybreak by the time their bodies were worn, cold and sore. It was time to go back inside and warm their frozen bones.

The winter chill had gotten to some of them, the adrenaline rush caused by running around and using their muscles wearing off. The effects of the snow was setting in and many wrigglers eyed the door to the indoors with lust. They were all freezing and many were shivering with flushed noses and ears. Dave heard a sneeze and turned towards a yellowblooded girl with snot running from her nose. The child wiped it with the cuff of her coat and looked down at the green now coating the her rusty-red sleeve. She made a disgusted sound as she then started to cough. Kanaya, in an almost motherly fashion, ran towards the girl and procured a handkerchief from the inside of her coat, which the girl gladly took and blowed her nose into it. She loomed over the others and sighed, shaking her head in disapproval. Nevermind that she had partaken in such a rowdy activity, she was still going to act the superior and usher them inside. The jadeblooded girl had grown tall and lanky, standing a good foot above the rest of them, looking at them with the stern criticism of a lusus.

“As fun as this episode of merriment was, it’s cold and we should go inside before more catch sick.” No one was brave enough to disobey the jadeblood who had in the past year acquired a reputation of being scary when angered. Not to mention it was downright heart attack inducing when she would cut through the crowds towards any fight and stop it in its tracks before it got too violent. Freezing a troll's natural tendencies to beat the shit out of each other was quite a power to have and Kanaya wielded it with pride. She was tender and good when she needed to be but no one crossed the jade when she was serious.

No one dared argue with her kindly request to get their asses indoors. Voices rang out through the air as they squeezed past each other to get into the warmth of the castle. It wasn’t the best heating but nothing that sitting next to a fire couldn’t fix. The lowerbloods were most affected by the cold and redbloods were the warmest of them all. Dave, once the adrenaline rush had worn off, realized he was freezing. It was clear how different their blood temperature were as the lowbloods bound for the fire in the kitchen, sitting in front of it with hot cocoa while the higher merely huddled up in blankets and drank the chocolatey goodness. Karkat had been lenient with the sweets budget that winter, after all the wrigglers had been pestering him for more candy and such for years. It was pretty obvious that he caved because Dave had joined in the entourage of “please buy candy and chocolate.” The elder redblood was powerless to resist a few dozen puppy dog eyes.

Once inside Dave rushed past Kanaya, fangs clacking rapidly together as he shoved his hands in and out of his damp armpits. He bound for the fire, sitting squarely between a pair of rustblooded girls and held his hands out, trying to get feeling back to his numb digits. Kanaya smiled warmly at him and handed a cup of hot cocoa to him from behind. The young redblooded troll looked up and took the cup, muttered a quick thanks and began to partake in his drink.

It wasn’t long until the sun would rise, the younger of the wrigglers filed off to their rooms as yawns escaped their mouths and they rubbed their tired eyes. Dave stayed by the fire even when it was just him and Kanaya in the room. Like a looming vampire, Kanaya silently made her way to Dave's side, sitting down next to him. He glanced at her with his ruby red eyes and scooted a bit to the left, giving her more access to the crackling warmth of the embers that remained.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kanaya cupped her hands around her still half full mug, a soft smile on her black lips. Dave just sighed, running a hand through his white hair. There was so much he could talk about, so much he was feeling. How lost he had felt the past few perigees as his body changed. He bit the inside of his bottom lip and looked down.   
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Kanaya gave him a saddened look and put her cup down on the brick flooring. It was like she could see through him as if he were made of the clearest glass. Dave grimaced at her look, unsure whether to shatter or to hold strong against the approaching hurricane of Kanaya’s scolding. He didn’t know what option was worse and decided to talk about it in the end.

“Where do I even begin?” The redblooded troll gave a side glance, unsure of how to start. He clawed at the rim of the mug, uncertainty filling his every bone. He wanted to tell her everything, yet he felt like he couldn’t. This wasn’t his moirail, this wasn’t his anything. Kanaya was simply a wriggler who acted kind and gentle to him. He wasn’t sure if it was because she felt pale for him or not. He certainly didn’t pity her, he wasn’t sure what he felt for anyone here. An outsider maybe. That word fit perfectly for how he felt.

“I guess I feel alone you, know? Minus Karkat, I’m the only one here who knows they’ll never be leaving. Everyone else gets to when they’re old enough. Hell, I’m almost old enough. But I came here for protection, I’de be an idiot to leave. But, I really wonder if I made the right choice to come here, some days. I mean, I’m getting older and…” Dave stopped, shaking his head, trying to get the thoughts plaguing his mind to fall out, shatter on the floor as if they were fragile. Even if they were, those thoughts kept resurfacing and he couldn’t help that.

“What do you mean?” She leaned towards him, apparent concern flowing from her features. It was why she was so easy to talk to, she was the pinnacle of pale approachability. Even those who never considered her a pale possibility knew they could talk to her if they needed. Sure they would get a harsh word or two but it was better than bottling up emotions.

“I guess it’s because of what I am? I’m a redblood. I was destined to breed and lay eggs for the rest of my life. But I chose to fight that destiny and come here. I’m not sure if I made the right choice now.”  
“You did. What could be more important than your freedom? I know what happens to wrigglers like you Dave, I didn’t skip out on my schoolfeed. It’s sad what you and Karkat have to go through, what you’re expected to go through and it’s wrong.”

“It’s my birthright I guess, the struggle, not the breeding whore part. Though it feels like it at this point. I’m unsure if I made the right choice, every bone in my body is telling me that I should have just let things unfold like they were meant to.” His claws scraped the outside of the mug before he brought it up to his lips and swallowed.

“I want to breed, Kanaya. I fucking look at Karkat and any other wrigglers my age like a potential mate. I don’t want to but I do. It’s like it’s in my fucking nature to spread my legs and let anyone take me. It sickens me but it’s what happening. I’m growing into what they want of me and I just feel helpless.”

Tears were forming at the edge of his eyes, Dave scrubbing at them desperately. He wanted to not feel what he was feeling. The struggle against his instincts felt hopeless.

“Is this was Karkat feels? He’s had so many heats and he keeps fighting. I don’t feel like I have the same ambition, the same fury he has. I feel like when I do eventually have my heat, I’ll break.” Dave shuddered, downing the rest of his hot chocolate, not minding the dusty sting of the powder at the back of his throat.

“I’ll probably fight my way out that gate and just let the first troll I see just do what they want with me. I’m scared of myself, Kanaya...of what I’ll become. I don’t want to become like the other redbloods but it feels like it’s not a choice.” He couldn’t control his tears at this point, letting the bright red droplets stream down his face. There was no control over them, just like he could barely control his instincts.

“I know what our race needs me to do to survive but I don’t want to give up my bodily autonomy just to be used for fucking breeding. Does that make me selfish? Should I have stayed to help my species? Karkat gets away with it because he’s Karkat but I’m just Dave...Just weak pathetic Dave who should have stayed home and just-”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, Kanaya bringing him into her arms and into her chest. Any wish he had to let her have him in a sexual manner disappeared. Another wave of tears hit him and he let them flow as he wrapped his shaky arms under her armpits and was held. Kanaya, the loving mother figure that she was, pet the hair between his horns. It was pale as the snow, his tensions leaving him near instantly. This was an absolute showing of pity and he ended up putting the cup down on the flooring and hugging Kanaya in return

“Dave. Listen.” Dave pulled his face away and looked at the troll who he was pretty sure had diamonds floating around her head like some sort of cheesy effect from Trollywood. It was kind of true though, Kanaya was the goddess of pale pity if there ever was one. “Your blood color is just something you were born with, not something you can control. The instincts you have? Those are normal. I still have instincts to care for a mothergrub that no longer exists. I don’t act on them because I can’t but you have a choice. You chose freedom and you shouldn’t ever doubt that.”

“I can’t help it though. It hurts to sit with my legs closed. I’m growing up Kanaya and I feel like I can’t stop it.” He bit his lip, his fangs digging into the ashen skin. “I’m going to become a breeding nook and nothing will halt it. I don’t want-” He was cut off by Kanaya, the jadeblood rendered him silent with one gentle press of an index finger and he instantly grew quiet

“You can’t and you shouldn’t. Just because you’re growing up doesn’t mean you have to change and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” She slowly withdrew her hand, letting the young redblood speak. He let out a sigh, feeling like the weight on his chest was pressing down into his ribs.

“That’s the problem isn’t it? I don’t know what I want to do. I know what I’m supposed to feel, which I am. I feel like I’ll die without breeding, yet the logical part of me knows that it’s not a road I want to go down. I never have and I never will. But fighting it? It’s more difficult than I thought it would be. I don’t want to have to fight it but...I know I need to if I want to keep myself free. I know the moment that I falter for real I’ll end up just like every other redblood.” He was panicking again, scared of what he would become if fate allowed it, if he allowed it.

“Karkat hasn’t. If he can fight whatever instinct he’s carried for so long, I’m sure you can too Dave, I believe in you.” She gave him a warm smile and petted his white locks. Dave started sobbing, holding onto her. “Regardless of what you’re feeling, I really think you should talk to Karkat about this. You’re comrades with the same feelings and you should open up about it to him. He’s been through everything you’re going through, so you need to talk to him.”

Dave clenched the back of her shirt, freezing up as he did so. He couldn’t tell Karkat, not after his daydreams of the elder laying him down and taking the brood that he didn’t even have yet.

“I can’t.” He grit his teeth, a bad habit he had picked up from some other troll at the orphanage.

“Any particular reason why?” She pulled away, looking at Dave in his bright red eyes with her jade ones. “There has to be a reason why you’re avoiding speaking to the one person whom you share a bond with. Even if it is just blood color, you need to talk to him.”

Dave shook his head wildly. “I can’t! I just can’t. You wouldn’t understand!”

“Why not? I’m trying to after all.”  
“Because I pity him!” Dave’s eyes widened as he said it, covering his mouth as Kanaya watched him. It took him a moment to lower his hands to his side and he took a deep breath. “At least I think I do. I haven't really thought about it much. I’m not sure how I feel about anything right now. It’s hard to tell my hormones and my actual wants apart. I mean he’s great, he really is. What redblood can say they’ve remained a virgin up to thirteen sweeps? He’s an outlier and I’m an average. I think if I do have a heat and do run into someone I have feelings for I won’t be able to control myself. I’ll end up having sex and getting pregnant. That’s as good as death, Kanaya.”

“You need to have more confidence in yourself. This self-pity? It isn’t worth it and you know that.”

“I can’t help it! My emotions are all over the fucking place and that means my quadrants are too! Are those even a thing anymore? You never hear about them outside of movies.”

Kanaya thought a moment and shook her head. “No but that doesn’t mean it isn’t something you shouldn’t strive for.”  
“I can’t though, I’m a redblood. Any quadrant I take I’m sure to breed on and I never want to do that.” He rubbed his eyes, they stung as if he had walked into a beehive and stole their mindhoney. “Even if I like Karkat, which I’m not sure I do, I can’t take him as a quadrant. Not only does he probably not feel that way for me but it’ll only end up with us breeding. I don’t want to make him feel guilty about that. I don’t want to be the reason he falls. It’s why I’ve considered leaving. This isn’t fair to either of us.”

  
“Dave, you can’t leave. You know you’ll hate yourself for it later.”

“Yeah, I know. Doesn’t mean I can’t express how I feel. I feel like I shouldn’t be around anyone.” Kanaya frowned, the hands in his hair going down to his cheeks as she pressed a kiss to his forehead. Odd how calming it was.

“You can be around me can’t you? You’re not trying to jump in my skirt or anything. I’m sure if you can be around one troll, you can be around them all.”

Dave frowned, looking at her. No, the reason he was fine around her was because he felt pale for the jade. He had been for a while but never acted on it, she had been like a mother to them all after all. He felt like he didn’t deserve her exclusively but maybe this was it. Maybe this was one of those fabled feeling jams he’d heard about in movies and maybe this could work. Redbloods had moirails sometimes, maybe he could at least have a taste of normality in his fucked up life. He gave a weak smile as he moved over to hug Kanaya, resting his head on her chest. She petted his hair, rubbing the sensitive chitlin near the base of his horns.

“There now, you’ll be alright.”  The motion, while hilarious, felt sentimental and nice. He knew what he felt for Kanaya. Pale as the freshly fallen snow catching the first light of dawn. What he felt for Karkat was more complicated. He wasn’t sure if he pitied him or if this was just a dumb hormonal redblooded crush. He had a week to figure it out, his seventh wriggling day was coming up fast.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In regards to the artwork for future chapters, probably going to stick to 2 panels per since this is wearing me out along with work. So...this is more for my sanity than anything. Also fixed the random typos in 9 That I didn't notice until this morning. I'm not perfect and neither is my beta, so typos are bound to happen.  
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	11. Heart-To-Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time doesn’t halt for anyone, especially for those who want it to the most. The days were fleeting as Dave’s wriggling-day approached. His redblood instincts made him feel like he was locked up in a cage and about to drown. Even now he felt as if he was being torn apart trying to speak but what other option did he have?

Wriggling days were supposed to be celebrated, not dreaded. Like anyone hatched into his position, Dave abhorred the oncoming days. Each sunset felt like a countdown. The worst part? He could feel it coming; the increasing need to have something between his legs felt unbearable, and the urge only grew each passing day. The cold sweat, the ache he felt; he knew exactly what it was. His redblood tendencies were coming in and he was too weak to resist. Dave felt like he was being smothered by a fog, drowning in it. He often found himself holding a pillow to his belly and rubbing against it, then chucking it across the room when he realized what he’d been doing.

Dave didn't believe in preordained destiny, especially not one where his fate was to lay for his people. If he had, he would have stayed in his rural village in the South. If he had, he wouldn't have defied it, wouldn't have broken the metaphorical chains to craft his own fate. If he, a mere redblood, someone seen as worthless except for the capabilities of their womb could break free, how could he possibly believe in a predetermined fate? Still, it was hard. Karkat pulled it off with ease; he had seen Karkat brush off his instincts like they were nothing. He wondered if that came with age or if Karkat was just special, or if it was some combination of both.

As the days passed, Dave felt like he was slowly losing himself to lust. The 8th day of the 12th perigee was the date of his destruction and it was looming over his head. The worst part was that it felt like this melting glacier he was hatched to bear was cascading down the mountain it rested on at an increasing pace. He woke on the day before his wriggling day covered in sweat and feeling like he was going to die. He knew this wasn’t heat yet, he was still able to think and leave his room and go about his day without too many of the elder wrigglers staring through him like glass, but still.

Watch the redblood walk down the gully to his doom why don’t you? Dave wished he could stop time; each waking moment brought him closer to when he would topple over the ship of childhood and into the ocean of adulthood and he couldn’t do anything about it. Dave promised to himself that he wouldn’t fall to his desires, even as those desires let themselves known. He had no attachments to any of the wrigglers that paraded around his ankles, the children far too young to stir any interest. To him, they were just trolls. It was someone else entirely who made his cheeks flush red whenever their eyes met, someone who was capable of fulfilling his lustful desires.

Dave often woke to dreams of Karkat, the elder troll the lone interest of his nightmares. The Karkat of his dreams was nothing like the crabby old troll of the waking world. Sure and fine, his body crawling over the younger troll, kissing him and running strong, grey hands down his side, taking the wriggler’s innocence and leaving Dave waking up in cold sweat with his bulge squirming in his pants. He knew perfectly clear why he was dreaming of the other redblood. There was no one else around that could sate his desires as fully as an adult.

 He was profoundly ignoring such wants and needs, because when he came to his senses those thoughts made him sick. Sure, the redblood was attractive, but weren't they all? The fading gene pool had one advantage to it, those hatched were often handsome. Dave’s square jaw had rounded off and his face had lost its childlike appeal. He had grown into an attractive troll and how he wished he had at least grown up average, not jaw-droppingly gorgeous. He had seen enough adults in magazines to have a general idea what was attractive and what wasn’t, not to mention his own tastes.

Kanaya often commented on his growing habit of staring off into space, or accidentally flirting with the elder troll. It wasn’t until after Karkat dismissed himself that Dave realized what he had been doing and kicked himself accordingly. Either Karkat was blatantly shrugging off his advances or he was blind to them. Whatever the case, it was frustrating to Dave since he didn't want to flirt with Karkat, it just sort of happened and he wished the other would stop him before he made a fool of himself. He felt like he was going insane, that perhaps he was just another redblood looking for someone to fuck.

He wondered if Karkat at one point had felt this way, helpless to his wants, desires clouding his actions. Dave knew what he had to do, even if he didn't like it. He had to stop talking to Karkat and the elder wrigglers who also caught his gaze. Fucking figured he couldn't control himself when he got old enough and truly became submerged in the cesspool of hormones that all redbloods seemed to reside in. Why had he even bothered trying to run? It felt like a never-ending tunnel where the light just kept getting further and further away.

The flustered feelings just kept coming and they were getting harder to catch before he swam in too deep. More often than not, Kanaya ended up pinching his shoulder with her claws, which, while hurting like a bitch, pulled him out of his flirtatious tangents. Thus, there was more kicking himself for his idiotic actions. Dave was slowly coming to realize that he would be lost once he had his heat. If he acted this way before he even turned seven, just how willing would he be when he had fully grown as a redblood?

I can’t do this. He sat on his bed, knees up to his chin as he ran his hand through white locks. I’m not strong. I’m not like him. I’m-

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on his door. He stared at it a while, with eyes that had filled in with the vile bright-red he abhorred, until a second knock followed. Dave sighed, sliding off his bed, and walked to the door. He wasn’t surprised at all by the pair of jade eyes he met when he swung the wooden door open.

“Hey Kanaya.” He moved aside to allow the lean jadeblood to wander into his mess of a room. Clothes were everywhere, as well as wooden and real swords. He usually kept his room tidier than this but his mind hadn’t been all there the past few weeks. Even the coat that he had used to go outside in lay in a pile of dirty laundry. Kanaya frowned, picking up a pair of black jeans and holding them up, looking at Dave with the look a broodmother gave to their very disappointing wriggler. Dave just gave her an awkward smile, trying to avoid the subject of the fact that his room looked like a tornado had gone through.

“Dave. I understand you are stressed because your wriggling day is coming up but that is no reason to turn into an oinkbeast. I think we have had this conversation before regarding your room. At least try to make it look habitable.” Kanaya sat down on the edge of Dave’s bed, folding the pants she was holding and setting them gently to the side. Dave rolled his eyes and grabbed them, tossing them to the side without much care and letting a pant leg fall open.

“It’s habitable. I inhabit it just fine.” Kanaya frowned, shaking her head as Dave shrugged. He didn’t need to have his room look like something out of a TV show where the set was kept tidy and neat. The troll just needed it to be neat enough that roaches and rats didn’t move in. He had yet to see any bugs or rodents.

“I mean without breaking your or anyone else's bones.” She added. He frowned, looking at the pile of books in a corner with a few pieces of clothing tossed on top of them.

“My bones are just fine Kanaya. I haven't tripped over anything yet.”

“Yet, being the keyword. You haven't hurt yourself yet.” Kanaya had a point; there was very little visible flooring. Still, there was a path from the door to his bed, which was all that really seemed to matter for the redblood. He was about to bring up that point, but Kanaya had already opened her mouth again. “I think a tidy room would be optimal to celebrate your wriggling day. I mean…” She sighed, folding Dave’s pants before putting it into the laundry hamper. “You wouldn’t want to hurt yourself when your heat hits. It’s due any day now, right?”

Dave gritted his teeth and looked away shamefully. His claws dug into his palms until it hurt, not drawing blood but enough to leave the skin with imprints of his sharp nails. “Yeah, I know that. I know that far too much, in my opinion. You know how I get around the older kids, and most of all, around Karkat. Thanks for keeping me from doing anything stupid.”

Kanaya seemed determined to tidy his room and nodded with a soft smile on her face before bending down to pick up trash and clothing. Dave felt bad about her doing all the work and joined her, picking up a shirt with a bit of sauce on it. Unlike the highly organized jadeblood, Dave didn’t bother folding his clothes before tossing them either into his dresser or the dirty hamper. Kanaya was at least lax with the dirty clothing and trash, but the pile of clean clothing? Less so as she reached for them and folded them properly.

“You really don’t have to do this. You’re no maid and I don’t think this is a quadrant of any sort.” Dave’s voice was hurt as he said it, hoping Kanaya picked up the tone. She did and put the grey shirt she was holding down in her lap.

“No, it’s not. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care for you. You’re my friend, Dave, and friends help out friends.”

“Yeah but I want to be more than that.”

“I do, of course I do. But those feelings aren't exclusive, Dave. I care about everyone here.”

Dave’s hands turned to fists, hidden under the fabric of a bedsheet. He wanted to bring it up, let his feelings be known. But it was so hard with their situation. Dave was a redblood and Kanaya would leave the orphanage within two sweeps. He didn’t want her to go but he knew time wouldn’t stop just because he wanted it to. Dave looked down, his red eyes weary. The tears he had spilt as he expressed his emotions too much. He shuddered out a breath, bloodshot eyes looking at the worried Jadeblood next to him.

 “Why can’t we be quadrants then? I mean, I pity you and you seem like you care for me.” Kanaya’s gaze turned to Dave’s, her mouth remaining still as she processed his words. “It’s because I’m a redblood, isn’t it? You think just because of the sludge that runs through me, that I’m different. That I’m not a troll, I’m just... a thing. A thing you can pour your pale feelings at and I won’t feel nothing because I’m a redblood. It’s nothing like that. I’m a troll, same as you.” He looked at her, biting his lower lip with his fangs. “Why can’t you see that?”

Kanaya frowned, her features slacking as she turned away from Dave. It was clear she felt guilty about dismissing his pale advances but she didn’t feel the same for him. “Do you? You can hardly express your own feelings. It’s very blatantly obvious you have feelings for Karkat, yet you keep silent. If you truly felt red for him like I see you act, you wouldn't’ keep your feelings locked up inside, you would tell him. You flirt with nearly everyone and yet, the troll you love, the one you care about? Everyone can see it, Dave. You pay attention to him the most. You’re the one who’s going to be spending the rest of his life here while eventually, me and the others will leave.” Tears were forming in her eyes as she looked at him. Dave looked concerned, not really able to talk back. He knew it was true, that everyone in the orphanage would eventually leave and be replaced by new wriggers, everyone except him and Karkat.

“You keep silent. Dave, I’m not the one hiding my feelings, you are. Because you don’t want to succumb to what you call the evils of being a redblood. Could it truly be that bad if they make you feel happy? I mean, every time you look at Karkat you get this look on your face. You have to tell him.”

Dave let his breath escape, he didn’t even realise he was holding it. Baring his teeth as he turned to face her, he wiped at some of the green tears escaping his pale crush. “You say that like you know me. Yes, I do. I feel pity for Karkat. But that’s more so camaraderie than anything. It’s just a passing crush, nothing more. I can’t love him, do you have any idea how badly that would end?”

“That’s why you have to tell him! If you can’t be honest with yourself, how could you possibly be honest with me or anyone else?” Dave’s pupils turned to slits, a low growl escaping him as he hastily looked away, not wanting to look at her again. She was right and the young redblood didn’t want to admit it. Kanaya said that he should speak to Karkat about how he really felt. How he felt his bloodpusher flutter whenever their fiery eyes met. About when he felt the urges he was resisting with all his might, the person he saw at the fore of his mind was the other redblooded troll. It was something he would have to deal with, one step at a time. Each step felt like a mile, however, and as he reached his own room, the reality of his situation set in. Besides Karkat, he was alone.

 The trolls who left the orphanage were grown, moving on with their lives, seeing the world and leaving him behind. He would remain here like a stone in the castle wall. Kanaya would leave someday and so would the rest. New wrigglers would come and old ones would go. They would forget the two redbloods they were raised by, in time and use the ones still in the city. He wasn’t important and nothing he did was, it felt like. Kanaya had hundreds of sweeps ahead of her and Dave didn’t even know when he would die. Most redbloods were bred to death and no one really knew how old they could get. Karkat was pretty old, really, not many redbloods made it past twenty sweeps and Karkat was already thirteen. He didn’t know if that was just nature or if the overbreeding had any footing on that.

“I’m kind of having a hard time being honest with myself. I mean…” Dave sat down on his bed, finally giving up on his laundry. “I’m losing myself to my instincts. The redblooded instincts I swore I would never have and yet, there they are. Banging on the door of puberty like a damned old world drone. I wish there was some sort of metal lock I could put on it. Like, I don’t mind getting taller and my eyes filling in and shit but the lust? I can live without. It’s not something I can really explain to anyone here except Karkat and he’s the fucking subject of those feelings.” Dave looked at Kanaya who seemed to actually be listening. Listening as he spilled just how he had felt for the past few months, just how hard it was. “I think it’s kind of gross really? He’s a lot older than me and I feel like a dumb kid who’s just crushing on an adult. I know it’s just lust and I don’t really feel anything for him, least I don’t think so and… Fuck. Kanaya, I don’t think I can stay here if Karkat is here. I understand why he keeps only wrigglers here. Cause his scent affects the older ones...and me. It’ll be a nightmare if we’re both in heat. I don’t know what to do. I already told you I thought I should leave but I don’t know where.”

Kanaya looked at him pensively, unsure of what to say. There wasn’t much she could say and Dave knew it. Regardless of that he still wanted her to say something, anything to ease the distress he was feeling. Even if it was just simple reassurance that he wasn’t losing his mind, that coming here wasn’t a mistake. It didn’t come. Kanaya’s uneasy expression said it all. Dave looked away, clearly hurt. He thought that Kanaya of all people would be supportive but no. Vast silence was all he got from the jadeblood. He wondered if all she had to say was nothing but then he heard her clear her throat. Red eyes darted from staring at his clasped hands back to the girl whose wisdom far exceeded her sweeps. Hope filled him as he dared to pray she had the answer to his woes.

“There’s not much I can do to assist you in this matter. You might think I do just because I handle the little ones well. Herding wrigglers and helping make life altering decisions for someone is something I can’t do. In this type of scenario, I’m afraid you’re on your own Dave.” Dave felt like his bloodpusher shattered into a million pieces. Kanaya had no answer, and she always did. “I’m sorry Dave. You have to accept you’re growing up and make your own choices. I’ll help where I can but my time here is almost up.” Dave grimaced at that slap to reality. Kanaya was half a sweep older than him and no doubt already able to react to the pheromones Karkat and he were putting out. She was either really good at hiding the reaction, or not as developed as he had thought.

Either situation sucked since one way or another, he would lose the troll he felt comfortable confiding with. Kanaya was almost like his moirail, something he knew as a redblood he didn’t even deserve. It was nice either way. Sure he could talk to Karkat, not like the other redblood would ever leave the fortress willingly. It was getting more difficult by the day to cope with all his pent up feelings and it made him want to scream. Dave said nothing the rest of the time they spent cleaning his room. What’s the point of even cleaning? It’s just going to become a dump again. Yet he kept cleaning, no doubt knowing that eventually normal everyday troll things like this would no longer be normal troll things. Four days and counting until his seventh wriggling day and who knew how many until he became a broodwhore. It felt like a hopeless war.

“Dave, you know you can always do what Karkat does here. Distract himself with the wrigglers. He raised most of us from egg all the way until we’re ready to leave. You might do good doing the same. I mean, you have the instincts for it. At least I think you do. No idea if Karkat’s ability to raise orphans is from practice or just intuition. It might be both. He says it helps with his heats and distracts him. Maybe that’s what you need, a distraction. I mean, all you’ve been doing lately is moping about and sharpening your sword. Only so much use is the whetstone before you’re left with nothing but a needle.”

“Swords don’t work that way. Least I don’t think so.” He glanced over at the sword leaning against his dresser, the steel blade sheathed in leather. He trusted that sword with his life, knowing one day he’ll have to use it in the same way Karkat used his sickles. Dave knew that even though murder was no longer brushed off as a petty crime, not with the falling birth rate anyways, that he would have to suck it up and kill. He would become a murderer if he had to, to keep his freedom, to keep his body from becoming nothing more than a spawning ground for new trolls. Most of the populace would see running away as selfish. What right did they have to tell him that his only purpose in life way to lay back with his legs spread and do as he’s told? He refused.

It wasn’t that much longer until Kanaya deemed his room clean enough and left him with his thoughts. He sighed as he rolled onto his bed, staring up at his ceiling just thinking. He had so much on his troubled mind. He didn’t know what to expect in the impending days, nor how long it would take to maybe someday reach a happily ever after. Did he even get to have one? He didn’t know. He sighed and shut his eyes, rolling onto his side. Maybe a nap would do him good.

 

***

 

As days passed by, Dave grew more and more secluded. He didn’t want to break, shatter into a broken mess of a troll. If he thought that his reaction to other trolls couldn’t get worse, it could. He couldn’t help but feel dazed whenever he was around the other wrigglers.

No, he couldn’t count himself as that anymore. At seven sweeps old Dave Strider was going to be an adult. He wished there was some way to avoid it but there wasn’t. There were ways, however, to avoid everyone else. He basically locked himself in his room, coming out only for the restroom and for food. He wished his solitude could be indefinite.

Fate seemed to have a different plan for him, as he heard knocking on the door. He sat up, glaring at the door like it had personally insulted Crowbro and his honor, and stood to go get it. What he didn’t expect was to find Karkat standing there. Dave just about shrivelled up, looking away. Just being mere feet away from the troll that affected him most was torture. Dave couldn’t just shut the door in Karkat’s face so he stood his ground. Last thing he wanted was his room smelling like walking sex beast. He stood with his back straight, fangs bared as an awkward growl escaped his lips, trying to intimidate the other troll. No such luck, Karkat looked at him like he was amused by Dave’s antics.

“What is it, Karkat?” Dave’s tone was full of irritation. He couldn’t really say he was in the best of places right now. Kanaya had treated him like a wriggler of maybe three when he wasn’t. He was almost seven, he wanted to be treated like a mature adult. Well, not a redblooded adult whose lone purpose was laying grubs, but someone with intelligence.

“Don’t use that tone of voice of me. You know exactly what’s it as you so kindly put it. You’re possibly the biggest fucking social butterfly in this fort since Nepeta and you’re suddenly closed off and locking yourself up in your room. I want to know why.”

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m a redbloood and-” He didn’t get to finish, Karkat putting a finger on his lips. He knew it shouldn’t feel so good, yet he got the strange urge to open his mouth and start sucking the elder’s fingers. He didn’t though, instead he turned his head away, his face red. He didn’t even continue on his rant, too stunned to speak.

“I know you’re a redblood, I’m not blind. You probably feel like you’ll end up dry humping the closest troll, huh?” Dave looked back at Karkat, opening his mouth to speak but Karkat beat him to it. “Running from it isn’t going to solve your problem. Believe me, I know. That redblooded stepchild of an instinct is going to keep rearing its ugly head until it gets what it wants or you break. Running can only get you so far. You have to face it and fight it. Least that’s what I do. It's what this orphanage is. It’s my shelter from the outside world. I know you view me as some great troll who has beaten all the odds. But I’m not, I’m just like any other troll trying to get by and stay alive in this fucked up world.” Dave sat down on his bed, ruby red eyes watching the matching pair on Karkat. The troll had a look of pure pity on his face. It made Dave blush, knowing exactly what his body was feeling.

“It’s just… I wonder if I was right to come here. If it really was in my best interest, or if it was just the hopes and dreams of a wriggler. All I ever want to do anymore is lay down and let my legs spread. It’s disgusting and I want to puke and I know I’m affected by your heat too. That last one you had? I wanted to run. Not to you but away from here, away from everything. Karkat- when I have my heat I don’t know what’ll happen between us and I’m scared. I was certain coming here in the past was the right thing to do to ensure my freedom but now I’m not. I feel shackled to my fate and I don’t know what to do anymore.” Karkat nodded, taking in Dave’s words like he had expected them. Dave Karkat a frustrated look. He didn’t know how to express how he felt, what he felt for Karkat and how he wasn’t sure if those feelings were just redblood instinct knowing Karkat could breed him, or if he actually pitied him.

“I know that look anywhere. Look, if you do feel anything for me, stop it right now. It’s not happening and we both know it’ll end poorly. So please, stop locking yourself up. I know it seems like the logical solution but it’s a shit answer and you’ll only hate yourself for it later. Just keep living like your blood doesn’t exist and let me handle it, alright? You’re still a wriggler, and I’m the adult here. So please, let me know what’s bothering you, we can fucking talk. I’m no mind reader as much as I wish I was. You have to tell me what’s going on. That includes what’s going on with your head when it comes to redblood stuff, alright?”

Dave bit his lower lip, thinking a moment before sighing. “Alright. I’ll open up about this stuff from now on. Just, right now... I feel like I’m on fire and I can’t do anything about it. I’m not as strong as you. You might be able to fight your heats and come out victorious but I’m not you. I haven't even had a heat yet and I feel like I’m about to die.”

“You know, we’re in the same boat, you and I. I may be a dinky wooden raft bound for an iceberg in the Pisces Sea. But Dave, we’re doing good so far and we’ll make it to shore. You can talk to me about anything you know right? We’re both redbloods and what you’re feeling now, I’ve felt before. We’re in this together, alright?” Karkat put his hands on Dave’s shoulders and Dave couldn’t help but feel like lightning struck him straight on.

“You’re free to go if you want, you’re free to go to the city and turn yourself in. But you'd only be doing what they want. The Dave I know? The one who powered through his lusus dying and fights with the speed of a bullet? That Dave is so much stronger than this.”

“But I’m not strong at all! I’m weak and --”

“Oh come on, don’t give me that. You did what you thought was best back then. Crowbro did what he thought was best to ensure your happiness. He brought you here so you could live free of the slavery subjected to all redbloods. Now then, say ‘Karkat, I will come to you if anything bothers me and I feel like I’m going nuts.’ Come on, say it.”

Dave snorted, a smirk on his face. “I’m not saying that.”

Karkat grinned, fangs poking out from his lips. “Oh, come on. Why not?”

“Because it’s stupid?”

“It is not. It’s a very serious thing and you should feel grateful I’m giving you so much attention.”

“You’re an idiot.”

Karkat gave a faux-offended scoff, hand on his chest like it was the biggest insult ever. “You act as if I have an ulterior motive besides your wellbeing!”

“Well...I am a redblood…” Dave waggled his eyebrows like he was suggesting something. Karkat laughed, picking up a pillow and hitting Dave with it. Dave jumped, shocked by Karkat’s action. Dave stared at Karkat for a moment before he grinned, standing as he grabbed his own pillow and watched as the other stood and ran towards the door, laughing. Dave grinned, his troubles falling to the back of his mind. If Karkat wanted pillow warfare, he would get pillow warfare. Dave chased after him, laughing his head off as he looked for Karkat.

Karkat was right; coming here wasn’t a bad thing. He got to live free, even if it was hard with what was happening to his body, he wouldn’t give it up for anything. He wouldn’t become another redblooded broodwhore, he’d be his own person and live happily until his dying breath. At least that was the plan.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, been a few months. I'm outright exhausted. I don't think I will be coloring these anymore, have been shaking too much to be healthy lately and rather deal with that then force myself to draw. So either there won't be art every chapter, or just..maybe go back to 1 panel per and black and white since I can do those no problem really fast. Just going through some medical things right now and I don't have the energy to fully color/shade things, reason it's so...meh this chapter. Sorry. Also reason it took me 2 months to get this chapter out.  
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	12. One Way Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While some things are beginning, other’s have to come to an end. Dave has had a long week and it only seems to be getting worse. He expected his heat, he expected his life to change. What he didn’t expect, was this. He should have, it was inevitable but it didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for implied child slavery/sex. Also Karkat's cooking, no one should ever be subject to that. To skip the child slavery/sex, it starts at the ***

Dave stared at the calendar hanging on the wall of his barren room. Black X-marks littered the first week, signaling the end. It was the 7th, the day prior. He had less than thirty-two hours left until his wrigglerday and he felt like a knot was tightening in his proteinsack. It went up to his throat, making it feel like he would throw up at any moment. He couldn’t stop staring, picking up his black marker and crossing out the date. Tomorrow. The last day of childhood and the last thread that connected him to his peers would rip.

Dave took a deep breath, shutting his eyes and counting until his breathing calmed. He had learned it from Kanaya. Breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth. Of course it made his mouth awfully dry, prompting him to take a drink of water. Now that Dave thought about it, he had been drinking a lot of water recently. His hand instantly flew to his stomach, feeling for possible eggs. Nothing, just the usual flat skin he was used too. Dave let out a relieved sigh, looking out the window as the last rays of the sun disappeared beyond the horizon. He wasn’t sure what to expect on this day really, yesterday had been something else. His rejection by Kanaya, his confrontation with Karkat, it couldn’t possibly get worse.

Dave drummed his hands on the edge of his bed, anxious to go out. He needed someone to talk to, he really did. Even if Karkat had said he could talk to him that didn’t mean he was comfortable talking to the redblood. Even if they had a camaraderie that went bone deep it didn’t mean they shared a thinkpan. Kanaya.... he wanted to talk to her but after their last conversation, he didn’t know how to approach that can of worms. It seemed his decision was made for him as he heard a knock on his door. He glanced up at the dark grey ceiling before sending a long-suffering glare at the door. Clearly whoever was on the other side of the wooden door had never heard of morning teenage angst.

Dave sighed and cursed under his breath before getting up, padding across the room and swinging the door open. It was a wriggler he didn’t really know that well, looking like he was going to explode with all the teetering on his heels. It was kind of cute how the wriggler was trying to seem casual all while clearly excited about something. Dave raised a brow and it wasn’t a moment later that the kid pouted before whipping a bright yellow envelope from behind his back. He held it above his head, trying to reach up as far as his little stubby arms would allow, trying to force it into Dave’s hands. A letter, something he hadn’t received in sweeps.

Dave gave a soft smile, taking the letter before ruffling the kid’s hair between his horns and walking back into his room, shutting the door behind him. No doubt it was the official summons to the city to do his duty. The envelope looked far too gaudy in color choice but there was no saying if one of the assailants to the fort had learned of his existence within its thick stone walls. He ripped the seal off the flap of the envelope, pulling the folded packet out. His red eyes skimmed the paper a few times, a smile forming on his lips as he read the same sentence over and over again.

_This is a summons for one Dave Strider; blood caste: Mutant Red to his seventh wriggler-day party on the 8th of the 24th Perigee. Missing this summons is not an option, as wrigglers with tiny wooden swords will haul your ass to the commons. Please be prompt about attending your party, lest we take drastic measures._

_Sincerely, Karkat Vantas, the hottest troll on this entire planet._

Dave chuckled, running his hand through pale white locks. He was scared for a moment, the start of the letter had sounded official. He had been fearful for a moment, expecting demands tthat he journey to the city and learn how to spread his legs like a proper redblood. That didn’t seem to be the case however, merely Karkat being a smartass. It was so typical of the elder male. He was an odd troll to be fair. Often serious one moment then throwing jokes the next. He was hard to figure out. Dave was certain Karkat had more to hide than anything. Not to mention his legacy. No redblood before had figured out a way to curb their sexual desires, nor successfully run away. Karkat was something else. It was probably why he was so drawn to the redblood with the sharp cheekbones. Not to mention the plump dark grey lips that he could spend all day looking at, imagining those lips closing towards his own and--.

There went his bulge again. Dave sighed, falling back onto his bed and stared at the ceiling. Thinking about Karkat lately had always turned into a fight with his hormones. Dave knew it was foolish, Karkat had told him that these feelings were just manifestations of his redblooded instincts and to ignore any foolish feelings he felt. Easier said than done. Dave picked up the paper again, holding it to his mouth, thinking deeply as to his reaction to learning that a wrigglingday party was being planned without his consent. Turning seven was not something he wanted to celebrate. He groaned as he dragged a hand down his face and rolled to his side, rereading the letter. He had to put a stop to it by talking to Karkat.

Dave forced himself up, putting the page on his bed before standing and leaving the room. This was going to be a long discussion as to the concept of no, he did not want a party. He walked through the corridors and frowned. It was mostly quiet in the orphanage, unusual for the 40 or so wrigglers that inhabited the place. At least it was quiet until he reached the kitchen. Whereas he found Karkat sitting on a stool bent over a cookbook and covered in flour. The poor troll was trying to make a cake, muttering under his breath.

Dave shook his head and scoffed in an amused manner before making his way to Karkat. The other smelled good at least, like frosting. Probably because there was a bowl of it on the table. Dave reached over to dab a finger in and had his hand smacked by a wooden spoon. He pulled back, rubbing his reddened skin. “Just because this cake is for you, doesn’t mean you get to eat it before it’s done. You should be out having fun while the rest of us prepare the dining hall for your party. There’s balloons that need blowing and streamers to be strung. It’s a busy day. Not every day we have a party. I figured this would be good enough. It’s winter and your wrigglerday is about a week before 12th Perigee’s eve and I thought we could combine it into one big party.”

Dave thought a moment. “Sure. Let them celebrate that. It’s a day for everyone. But why do we have to celebrate my 7th wrigglerday? We both know what it implies. That I’m a fully adult redblood and I…” Dave didn’t have a good reason to not celebrate. Karkat looked up from the bowl of half-beaten eggs and looked at Dave. He blinked a few times and sighed, going back to his task.

“I know what turning seven for our caste means. Why do you think I’ve hidden for so long? I figured we might as well celebrate, give some joy to the others. They like making gifts. You’ve been to other celebrations here, you know the kids love making stuff for their friends. Eventually, none of the others will be here. It’ll just be me and you. Besides, it’s best to keep memories with your friends close to you, makes you smile. Kind of like the box of stuff from when I was a kid. It was painful in the end but I can’t forget the joy I felt before it all went to shit. How do I put it? Live in the moment and not tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow is my wrigglerday. I don’t want to celebrate it.” Dave said flatly, no emotion in the statement. Karkat let out another sigh, putting the bowl of mixed eggs on the table before fetching flour from the big tub and started to mix it into the batter. Dave watched him the entire time. It was almost as if Karkat was ignoring his words and just conversing with him to keep him busy. “Are you even listening, Karkat?”

“I am. I’m just ignoring your baseless requests to not have fun on your wrigglerday. Dave, you’re going to have a wrigglerday party. You will blow out seven candles and you will get gifts. You will eat cake, play games, do whatever it is teenagers do at parties. I don’t know, dance? There’s music so I guess dancing is an inevitability…”

“Get to the point.” Dave was getting irritated at this point. Karkat smelled good and the muffins he was sure were in the oven at this moment smelled good as well. Karkat mixed the batter with the spoon, checking the density of the mix. When it was far too sticky to be of any use, he added a bit more butter and a lot more flour before he returned to relentlessly mixing the sticky concoction.

“The point is; you are having this party and you can’t do anything about it. So you might as well go and enjoy it.” Karkat waved the wooden spoon as he said those words, getting cake mix onto his hands and face.

“No.” Dave crossed his arms.

“Yes.” Karkat took a few steps towards Dave, still mixing, his attention to both tasks at hand perfect. He would bake a cake and shoot down Dave all at the same time. Dave found it outright annoying. He growled, crossing his arms and looking away. Karkat was a stubborn old goat and it seemed his mind was made up.

“Fine. But I won’t enjoy it.” Dave was going to have this party, there was no stopping it seemed. Being the moody teenager he was, he would be as angsty and miserable during his party as possible.

“Okay.” Karkat grinned, going back to the table and skimming over the cakes recipe before going back to mixing the cake batter that looked more like pizza dough than the more silky cake mix it was meant to be. It was then that Dave realized something. Karkat had been randomly adding milk butter and eggs to the mix, then topping it off with more flour during their entire conversation.

“Are you even following the recipe or are you making it up as you go?”

“Dave; Shut up.”

The rest of the day seemed to pass by in a frenzy of activity. Someone actually capable of baking took over, lecturing Karkat about the importance of following a recipe lest he end up with stale dough that was hardly palatable. The wriggler kept mentioning how after fourteen sweeps Karkat should know how to cook better than a 6 sweep old wriggler. Karkat hardly looked like he was listening to the brownblood who smacked his hand with a spoon when he tried to taste the batter. Something or other about salmonella. The redblood grumbled, annoyed by the way he was being treated. He was the adult here, not the wriggler baking Dave’s cake. He had wanted to do it himself, a show of camaraderie. After all, tomorrow marked the start of the countdown to Dave’s heat. He at least wanted him to have one last good memory if everything went to shit.

Karkat had been denying it for perigees now but he had been reacting to Dave’s scent. He lingered too long around the teen, growling possessively when others seemed to sniff around in the kids direction. He didn’t even understand why he was doing it. He knew Dave was just a kid, he didn’t want to have sex with him. Yet nature was proving him wrong. Apparently redbloods did react to others, they were just as much trolls as anyone else. It was frustrating and after the cake was baking safely in the oven Karkat excused himself to help with the decorations of the food hall. Streamers and balloons were everywhere and a few wrigglers were busy working on wrigglerday cards. It was all going along smoothly and Karkat was grateful for it.

The only thing that was out of place? Dave was missing. Karkat ran a hand through shaggy black hair before going to look for the white haired wriggler. Could he even consider Dave that? He was a teenager and by societies standards, mere hours from being an adult. He found Dave not even hiding, merely standing in the middle of the court yard, katana in front of him and coat thrown to the side. Dave was in nothing more than sweatpants and the grey sweater Karkat had given him around the time he started to outgrow his own clothes. That was the thing about living in an orphanage, tons of hand-me-downs.

Dave was swinging the steel blade around with ease, practicing defensive and offensive moves. It looked almost like a pattern, a well rehearsed dance. No doubt it was, Dave had so much practice with the thing. It didn’t mean he should be training day before his party. He didn’t live in the middle of nowhere where he was vulnerable to an onslaught of trolls aching to breed. They had defences and Karkat would fight alone until Dave was able to pull a rage off. Now that Karkat had thought about it, he didn’t think Dave _could_ go into a rage, he had only seen highbloods and himself do it.

Karkat cleared his throat, making his presence known to Dave. Dave almost threw his sword in the air in shock but handled himself, looking over to Karkat who couldn’t help but smirk in amusement. Dave played it cool but he was just a big of a mess as Karkat was; Karkat just had sweeps worth of experience hiding it. “Nice save.” Karkat walked towards Dave, hands in his pocket. “Thought you wanted to relax today but here I find you training. Look, I know I told you eventually you’ll have to fend off trolls who attack here but you don’t need to yet. You still have however long until your heat hits. Which by the way, is unlikely to happen on your wrigglerday. Hell, my first heat didn’t hit until a few weeks after. For all you know you’ll be almost eight before you have one.”

Dave scoffed, shaking his head. “Nah...pretty sure it’ll happen soon. Mean...you don’t know what it’s like for redbloods now. Now that I think about it, a lot of stuff happened because you got away. The empire is angry Karkat and they’re taking it out on those who were unlucky to be born with this cursed blood.”

Karkat swallowed, ruby eyes not leaving Dave’s gaze until the other looked down at the wet ground in anger. “I should be angry at you but I’m not. Mean, it was inevitable they'd have this kind of control but it still fucking feels like your fault. I want to hate you so much but I don’t. You know that, I know that. We all fucking know it. I shouldn’t feel flushed for you but I do. Blame hormones, blame whatever kind of mental bullshit is going on in my head because of this but I can’t hate you even though I know everything I’ve been through, everything every redblood born since you ran have been through, is your fault. And I was stupid enough to come to the person blamed for everything. It’s a fucking miracle I was able to get away.”

Karkat bit the inside of his lip, taking a few steps back and sitting on one of the benches surrounding the training square. “You want to talk about it? Everything that’s different now I mean.” Dave simply dropped his sword and walked over to Karkat. Neither male knew how to even start this discussion. It was then Dave chuckled.

“I think it would be better if we have this discussion later. I’m covered in sweat and smell like a barnhouse. Maybe in a few hours?” He looked at Karkat who simply let out a sigh and nodded.

“Alright. I’ll wait in my room until you’re ready.”

“Thanks.” Dave picked up his things and made his way to his room. Karkat sighed. This was going to be a long night and an even longer one the following. Just how much time was left for Dave? He had no clue, he just hoped he could catch himself before he did anything stupid.

 

***

 

Dave was avoiding it. He knew exactly what his body was doing and he couldn’t stop it. He was growing up as a troll and as a redblood and every moment of it sucked. He knew he didn’t have much time left, his wrigglerday was tomorrow and the knowledge of that bore down into him like a knife. He knew his heat was inevitable, he just didn’t want to talk about it. Karkat said he should talk to him about it but that was an awkward conversation just waiting to happen. Yet he had promised to by the end of the day and the subject of which he endured as a wriggler would come out. That or sloppy makeouts with the target of his misplaced affections.

He was producing pheromones, he could tell by the reactions of the others, his body starting to crave what every trolls did; sex. Dave found himself waking up constantly the past few weeks in the middle of the day, covered in sweat and his previously placid bulge thrashing about and his nook wet. He denied it though, keeping his hands to himself despite how much his claws itched to press deep into himself. Even if the thought of Karkat being the one to sate his urges rather than his own hand kept drifting downwards.

Dave hadn't had his heat yet but he knew it would come any day now; all the signs were there. _Less than a day_ he kept telling himself and Karkat had brought up talking about his future, one that was quickly approaching. Dave knew he would be able to feel eggs forming in his abdomen when it was time and he was grateful each day that his skin remained soft to the touch. He didn’t have eggs, not yet at least. Still, he would have to talk to Karkat about the impending day soon, rather be prepared for his dance with dementia then stumble into the valley.

Dave spent a good two hours having a staring contest with his own door, too anxious to leave his room and go to Karkat’s. The fear of the discussion wasn’t the only thing he was afraid of however. He was picking up the smell of the other redblood and he found his face hot more often than naught in the others presence. Already he had a crush but the scent just made him want to bend over for the elder and take him for all he was worth. He had been in the orphanage fortress long enough to see Karkat in heat thrice at this point and the second time, he noticed the others scent outside of the screams coming from beyond the gate. He found his mind drifting sometimes when the other redblood pressed close, helping him with his schoolwork. Just because he would never use it didn’t mean he could slack on learning.

Karkat knew of his crush, had confronted him about it and yet; the other remained close. He didn’t know if it was a lusii like act or something more but it made learning all the more difficult. He already was bad in school, redbloods weren't expected to be smart. Most grew up illiterate and dumb, not knowing much beyond a 5 sweeps schoolfeed, around the time their education turned from generic things that everyone learned to a more sexual manner and how to be the perfect little breedingnook. Just because his education was lacking, didn’t mean he was stupid. He had run the day he first experienced one of those classes and hid with Crowbro until his cover was broken. The empire might have called it “continuing the troll legacy” but Dave knew better. It was slavery nice and simple, who could blame him for running?

Dave took a deep breath as he clawed his pant leg, shutting his eyes as he collected himself. He forced himself up even though he would have been content with sitting forever and made his way to Karkat’s room, knocked on the door and waited until he let him in. His face was ruby red as the elder pulled open the door slowly, looking down at him. Dave could feel his ears heat up as he forced himself to gain eye contact. Karkat at least had the control not to sniff at him and instead stepped aside to let Dave into his room and he left the goddamn door open.

"Hey...uhm...I thought it was about time we had that talk...you know. Since we talked about having this thing happen a few hours ago. But yeah..." Dave blushed, looking away. "The inevitable heat thing and other stuff too. I just...I guess since I can’t have a real moirail, guess this’ll have to do? Is this technically a feeling jam or what?" This was it, the discussion about his most private bits was happening and there was no going back. He had seen this cliche in every movie known the trolllkind. The awkwardness, the uneasy words, everything. It was so cliche it hurt.

"You noticed, huh? Yes Dave, this is an impromptu feeling jam since neither of us should ever have a quadrant." Karkat’s voice was full of sarcasm and Dave puffed out his cheeks in irritation. Of course he noticed! How could he not notice that he was growing into his blood? His eyes had already filled in and he didn’t have much time left.

“I’m not blind nor is my nose malfunctioning. Of course I noticed.” Dave looked back at the door and sighed, shutting it behind him. He didn’t want this talk to be interrupted by wrigglers, it was too private.

Karkat aimed a long-suffering stare at the shut door, like he was questioning why the universe hated him. _Was this because he killed trolls when they were under his body's influence? Was that what this was about, god? Because fuck you. Fuck you and basket of prolapsed assholes you rode in on_. He was tempted to go kick the door open but Dave wanted a little privacy and he got that. This wasn't exactly going to be a pleasant conversation. He knew he hadn't had his heat yet but it was close, he knew it. Dave smelled far too good to be anything but close to it and it was driving the adult mad. Not crazy to the point he felt the need to jump the other but enough to notice. _Was this how Nektan and John felt in the past? It had to be._

Except Nektan had shown no restraint and John...Well. He had made him have his guard down. He wasn’t going to lie to the young redblood in front of him and tell him he would control himself. In all honestly, Karkat had no idea how much he _could_ control himself around the teen. It was hard now, he could only imagine how much worse it would be once Dave produced enough pheromones.

Now of all times, Dave had _finally_ decided was an appropriate time to discuss this. Karkat was doing his best to not throttle the teen for waiting so fucking long. He could have asked the day his eyes finished filling in or around the time when he was obviously sniffing at the adult, not the fucking day before the final countdown to whatever was about to happen when there were two redbloods who were capable of breeding in the orphanage. He hadn’t exactly been subtle about it or was Karkat just good at picking up that sort of thing? Whatever the case, better late than never.

Karkat motioned for Dave to take a seat and fell onto his habitual perch on top of the mess of blankets on his bed. Dave looked like he was staring right through the bed at the spot before the child took a deep breath and crossed the room and sat down next to Karkat.

“So, how we going to start this? Go over the bullshit I’ve been through already? Skip right to the fun parts? Hah..fun parts. There is nothing fun about this.” Dave looked down at his legs, hugging his arms. How Karkat wished he could help Dave but he couldn’t. This would happen whether the white haired troll wanted it to or not. Karkat cleared his throat, trying to get his attention. Dave startled, looking at Karkat.

“Sorry, just thinking.” The teen looked away, clearly still lost in his thoughts.

“No, it’s perfectly fine. You have a lot on your mind nowadays, don’t you? I notice you don’t talk to the others as much anymore. I’m not blind either.” Dave let out an exasperated sigh and looked at Karkat with tired red eyes.

“That obvious? Just, I don’t know. I get that I’m growing up, I get it. Just...the past half sweep has gone by way too fast. I mean, before this I had my lusus, I had my hive...and now...I just have here. It’s a huge adjustment but I’ve managed. But ever since I got these weird desires I don’t want to be around anyone! Even coming into this room to talk to you is hard.”

Karkat wasn’t too surprised, not really. He had gone through something similar, just he had less trolls to contend with. Dave no doubt was feeling overwhelmed. Karkat wondered if perhaps he should start this conversation since Dave seemed to be content having a staring contest with his shoelaces.

Karkat cleared his throat, warranting Dave’s eye contact. “Anyways, by now your bulge should have uhm...broken free.” He of course meant that the bulge should have broken the barrier that kept it sheathed as a youth and broke as a teen. He remembered that day far too well. It couldn’t compare to how horrible his first heat was but it was pretty up there.

“Yeah, it moves around, so what?”

“You don’t look surprised at all, kind of like you expected it.” Dave sent Karkat a confused look, like he had no idea what he was talking about. Karkat made a noise, making wild hand gestures to illustrate what he was talking about. It then dawned on him, back when Karkat was a wriggler, the extensive sexual education wrigglers got wasn’t around. Dave couldn’t help but smirk.

“Oh. You don’t know then? I mean, it makes sense. You’ve kind of been secluded from civilized society for so long.” Karkat soured at the mention that what he had here was uncivilized. Sure it was a lone adult raising a barrage of kids but that didn’t mean he was uncivilized! _...Maybe just a bit._

“Alright then wiseguy, what do I not know?”

Dave took a deep breath as if what he was going to say was going to be a huge pain in the ass, probably was. Karkat was somewhat apprehensive of what Dave was going to say and he straightened up on his bed, feeling like whatever was about to be said, would not be something he desired to learn. This wasn’t what he expected at all. He expected to be the one teaching Dave, not the otherway around.

“Alright. Well then. I guess it was after you were old enough, like...actually. Think it was eight sweeps ago? Anyways. The empire had been experimenting with making redbloods reach maturity faster, hit their heat by six. Reason Crowbro and I shook them off around time I was four. Wasn’t before the damage was already done though…”

Karkat wasn’t sure what Dave was elaborating on but just hearing that made his stomach clench. _Sooner?_ Seven was already young enough. Two sweeps before adulthood, before any adult molt. The empire wanted them to have heats by six, it explained why Dave already smelled like heaven perigees after arriving. Whatever the empire had done to redbloods, Dave was affected by it. Eight sweeps, the same sweep he had run. It was starting to feel like partially his fault and he felt terrible. No kid should be forced to grow up even faster. Six was the age Karkat was when he had learned what redbloods were. He couldn’t imagine what Dave could have been through before going into hiding, what the empire had been willing to pull.

Dave cleared his throat to continue. “Hormones, obviously. They already had those before either of us hatched...Mean you’re twice my age.” Dave glanced up and down as if trying to decipher something about Karkat.

“Your point? Well I suppose by our castes expectations...but that is besides the point David,” Dave winced at that name and Karkat couldn’t help but grin. “You should be telling me more about whatever it is they did.”

“Right. Uhm,” His eyes shifted. “Where was I? Right hormones. They stopped starting to give those after a mutants first heat and start giving them at four sweeps, the sooner the better as they said. I was forced on em till I was able to hide with Crowbro.” The memory of it still stung really, he missed his lusus. He missed the bit of protection he felt. He didn’t miss the needles that were forced into his spine as he was forced into puberty sooner than he was ready. Dave bit the inside of his lip, shaking his head and trying to force away the mental image. “Not to mention what they do at pupation.” Karkat sent the other a quizzical look, wondering if things really had changed. The jades in charge of the brooding facilities in his time just tried to make sure every grub emerged and disposed of the ones that didn’t. _What could have changed in the eight sweeps since he left everything behind?_

“They pretty much force you out of your cocoon too early, literally pull you out. Like, they only do it to the redblooded grubs too. Pull you out of your cocoon far too early. You don’t even get the chance to try and break free. And the ones who weren't supposed to make it, they make it anyways.” Dave looked like he was in pain and Karkat wanted to stop him but he stayed quiet, listening in absolute silence. Dave kept talking. “But yeah, those who don’t make it out of the cocoon are still alive and stuff. Obviously vegetables but still breeders. The empire is desperate at this point you know?” Dave looked like he was going off on a tangent and Karkat just wished he could move, say stop it. He couldn’t, he was in shock.

 _How far had they as a species fallen?_ Fucking something that had no say but he couldn’t even respond. He couldn’t even put the words in his thinkpan. _This was sick, this was..._

“But even that’s not enough, they don’t even let us grow up normally.” Dave was clawing at his arms at this point, looking like he wanted to cry from some sort of traumatic childhood memory and was doing his damn best not to. “They cut the bonebulge out, so our bulge would come out without any obstacles when we are old enough. It’s pretty fucked up, hell. They do that to every blood caste now, cause you don’t really remember first few months after pupating, so they just do it cause apparently it happening when you’re 6 hurts like a bitch. I heard there’s blood? I don’t know.” The tears were falling at this point and Karkat just wanted to reach out and wipe them away but he was frozen. “You know why it’s different now right? They changed redblood regulations cause of you. I should hate you for it but I don’t? I guess I came here expecting to...I don’t know what I expected.” Dave curled in on himself, breaking and all Karkat could do was give him a hug, try to calm the panicked wriggler. This wasn’t the most ideal situation to happen day before someone’s wrigglerday but putting it off just meant more pheromones to deal with. It also wasn’t what Karkat was expecting to hear at all. It made him want to toss his lunch and made his throat clench up. He would have if Dave wasn’t here and looked like he was about to break. This talk, this wasn’t how he expected it to go at all. He wasn’t even sure he could talk about it now.

Dave was looking at him like he was expecting him to say something but he couldn’t. After a few minutes of silence the two redbloods just settled down and hugged it out. Eventually Karkat was the first to break the silence. This conversation was painful but it had to move on. Moving forward with the strength of an iron boar was the most they could do and not dwell on the past. A funny saying came to Karkat’s mind and he smiled at the memory of it.

 _Hakuna Matata._ He smiled internally at that soft memory, nothing like Dave’s which were sharp and jagged. Sure he carried his own armory in his heart but there wasn’t much he could do but arm himself for the future and accept the here and now, as well as learn from the past. Karkat cleared his throat as he continued.

"First thing's first... you haven't been feeling sick or anything like that, right?" Karkat questioned. "You should still have your appetite. You might be feeling kind of--" He shifted. "Achy, maybe your reflexes are slowing down but nothing should be outright hurting. I mean, you still have plenty of time, right?"

He seriously hoped that he was right about that. After what Dave had said, he wondered if Dave would have his heat in the next few days and it sort of scared him. He hadn’t prepared anything for the young mutant. He hadn’t prepared anything for the orphanage. He felt stupid for it now and made a mental note to ready the fortifications of the orphanage come sunset the day after Dave’s party.

"Uhm, just waking up a lot middle of the night all wet and shit." His appetite was actually a little bit higher, he had been sneaking snacks in the middle of the day. Probably from his body producing eggs for the oncoming heat, the one he wished would just delay until he was almost eight. He knew deep down he didn’t have that time, the damage the empire had done on his body, though less than those stuck in the city, was already done. He had maybe until the first few weeks of the new sweep."And not really achy, just...bit uhm...provocative."

Karkat could reign it in for the fifteen or so minutes the remainder of the conversation took. He nodded at Dave's symptoms, a little relieved by them. Good, because it's not like Karkat would be able to come in and check on him. If all Dave was getting was a physiological response and a lack of sleep --and skirting the subject did nothing, Karkat was a veteran of his subconscious pailing him during that time of the sweep --well then, this mutantblood seemed perfectly healthy. Safe to be locked away on his own. "Alright," Karkat said, taking a deep breath before he began to speak, bad plan. He had a big wiff of redblood pheromones and had to bite the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood to calm down. He sighed, licking the now hurting flesh.

"So," He nodded to Dave. "If you're not already, you'll start running a fever pretty soon. That, combined with getting wet means you need to drink about twice as much as usual, so keep a drink on hand." Karkat was already stockpiling the apple juice, the other’s favorite drink. "The fever will make you off your game too and that's when you're going to..." Karkat cleared his throat, he had not anticipated this conversation sucking so much. "...have thoughts." Karkat gestured. "Intense ones. Key point here is that they are in no way you or what you want. They are your hormones firing up, grabbing whatever information is floating in your head and combining it how it suits them. Doesn't mean you're sick or disgusting or whatever else you'll tell yourself trying to make them stop."

Karkat shot Dave a pointed look. Sweeps ago, Karkat had taken his sweet time coming to terms with the fact that his head was going to do this to him every four to six perigees, make him feel like he was barely a troll anymore. He wasn't sure if the imaginings sucked like a vacuum this much for everyone or if that was just another special redblood gift; a head full of thoughts of being bred until you burst. Sick to his stomach had not even begun to cover it.

"Just consider them really shitty midday TV. When the fever goes, so do they. And these thoughts aren't compulsions --they'll cross your mind, you'll already be horny --but your body cannot make you act on them and it cannot make you want them. Once again, they have fuckall to do with YOU." Karkat waved a hand to indicate the next topic. "What your body can do is stick you with a bunch of specific responses to being around someone old enough to make their own pheromones. Noises you'll make, when to spread your legs, getting wetter in a hurry, that kind of thing. You can control these instincts too but it's not going to be easy, especially not your first few times going through heat. And I'm banking on you not having to deal with any of that at all, which I'll get to in a minute, so don't panic. The main thing you need to take away from this is that even if you trust the shit out of who you're with, even if you think they'd never do anything, you can't be sure that you won't. So, exempting my ever-so-appealing ass for the next few minutes, you do not need to be around anyone older than six sweeps when you're in heat, period. Unless you've had a hankering for their bulge without heat making you a horny little bastard, just keep the hell away."

Given that he really didn't think Dave wanted to breed, that probably wasn't going to be an issue. Besides, chances of their being a troll capable of resisting Dave's full heat without immediately rushing him, yeah, fat fucking chance. He already smelled irresistible. "This last one is important," Karkat told Dave flatly, just trying to get rid of the information quickly, before it flustered either of them. "Especially considering that you're going to go through heat alone. When it hits you for real, it's just a week. It won't be fun but it's kind of like being sick. Just ride it out. The thing is, that unlike being sick, right at the end, it's going to start sucking worse. It won't hurt but it'll do everything else, if you catch my drift." Karkat grimaced. "It'll ache, you won't be able to get comfortable, it'll feel like you can't breathe, like your heart is going to give out. Your body will try to convince you that there is no chance of survival if you don't mate something because your body is going to be a complete shit about this. The thought you're going to have to hold onto right then is that your body is stupid. You're tough as hell, I can personally promise you this isn't lethal and you'll be fine. Just two pieces of advice for when you get desperate."

Karkat held up a finger, "Punching yourself in the gut won't do jack," the other finger, "And for the love of Christ, don't try to put your own bulge in your nook. You will want to die. No, you won't get pregnant but it will hurt like you wouldn't even believe." Karkat was so fucking good at the talk. He was only cringing a little bit, barely flushing from the combination of Dave's smell and just... Dave, being Dave. Plus, further positive, Karkat had only needed to sink his claws into his leg a couple of times during that conversation. Win. He settled back, sage redblood wisdom having been delivered. "I'm not going to feed you some bullshit about this being a magical time of your life or something, because you know better." Karkat snorted at the thought. _This was nothing but grief for redbloods_.

It would occur to Dave later, how he could never have a quadrant, never have sex without breeding, wouldn't be able to be around other adults except, well, Karkat would figure something out. Heat was hell. Simple as that."You know this is dangerous for you. You're going to be full of eggs from now on and in heat your body dumps the old ones every time and makes them fresh. It's shitty. You don't deserve it but you're stuck with it. And I'm not going to let anything happen to you, okay?" Karkat met his eyes and managed a weary smile. "The plan is that now or maybe a day or two later if you have something against it, we put food and drink in your room to last you two weeks, make sure your bathroom isn't about to crap out and then you get locked in there by yourself until we're sure your heat has run its course. I know it’s a bit early to prepare like this but rather be over prepared than you waking up trying to penetrate yourself."

Karkat was really trying to skirt the issue of how Dave's heat was affecting him and all the complete bullshit this entailed. The teen did not need anything else to worry about. Karkat's plan was going to work out great. And nothing would go wrong. And if anyone's eyebrows raised at that statement, Karkat would punch them right off of the offender's face.

"You'll have internet and be able to chat if you want to. You can take whatever you want in there to entertain yourself also, barring another troll. It'll be as safe as you can get, Dave." He crossed his arms. Dave's turn. "Thoughts?"

Dave was taking in the information in, looking down at his knees. He himself had to claw his leg a few times to keep from falling to his instincts that were telling him that Karkat was close and ever so kissable. He knew better. Karkat was too old and saw him as a kid. Not to mention Dave felt stupid as hell for even thinking of pouncing on the adult and letting the stewing pheromones in the room take over. He knew his heat was coming, he just didn't want to admit it. He could only imagine the eggs forming in his seedflap and he didn't want to admit that the thought didn’t utterly disgust him. He took a deep sigh, looking at Karkat and nodded even if he felt like this was the worst news in the world and it would kill him.

"I know it sucks like hell," Karkat told him. "But after the first few, it'll start easing up. You'll be granted the joyous power of being able to tell your body to go fuck off some and that may not seem like much but it's actually pretty nice?" Karkat needed to stop trying to make this better. He was not helping. The only thing that would make it better was the heat running its course. "I'm sorry," he offered, with less hope.

Dave shrugged, the information was still processing but it answered most of his questions. He nodded, uttered his thanks and left to return to his room. Karkat, feeling very bad for him and also not having the clearest head right now, for some reason thought it would be a good plan to take the yet immature, pheromone-addled mutant teenager at his word. Karkat scowled down at his crotch now that he was alone. Why was his bulge out?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice there's no art in this chapter. There is a very good explanation for that. I really wanted to draw Karkat covered in flour and the letter. BUT THEN MY COMPUTER DIED AND MY LAPTOP DOESN'T HAVE PHOTOSHOP OR SAI. Not that it can run it anyways...So yup. I might add art to this chapter and the next one whenever I get the parts I ordered to repair my computer arrive. But yeah...This chapter is fucked up and I do not support the Condence at all ever. Next chapter is a lot less traumatizing.  
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	13. Goodbye is the Hardest Thing to Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave’s Birthday finally arrives and although the celebration is great, it has a much darker surprise in store. Dave isn’t the only one growing up and goodbyes were never easy for anyone.

Dave stared at the mark he made on his calendar that day, frowning as he ran his hand over the black mark. This was it, wasn’t it? His seventh wrigglingday. He couldn’t call himself a kid anymore, even if he felt the same way he did as the day prior. He expected to wake up feeling different, feeling like an adult. He was supposed to go from some crappy little seedling to a flower in bloom. No magic sparkles happened, nothing. He just felt like regular old Dave. He sighed, capping the marker at last before setting it down on his dresser. He might as well see the night through, get this party over with. Dave looked at the paper he had received the previous night, frowning at the lack of direction and time. He had no idea where to go in the vast fortress, nor at what time he was expected to be there.

He heard a knock on the door. He quirked a brow, putting the invitation face down on his bed and opening the door. Four wrigglers with paper hats and wooden swords stood in the corridor and Dave couldn’t help but choke down his laugh. Karkat had been serious about the attack on his bedroom. He lifted one of the paperhats and deposited it onto his head.

“No one pulls off a paper hat like Dave Strider.”

“Give it back!” The four sweep old whined, jumping up and down before Dave and reaching up to try and get the hat back. Dave grinned, turning around back into his room.

“I’ll make you a new one.” The wrigglers eagerly followed him inside. They peered over his shoulder as he expertly folded a piece of paper into a paper hat and cut out holes for the kids horns in it before putting it on the kid’s head. The curly-haired child grinned with glee, exposing his fangs, or what remained of them anyways. Kid was probably losing his baby-fangs and growing his adult ones. It was a cute sight regardless, as the gap toothed kid then took on a serious face.

“Dave. Your party. We gots to go!” Dave nodded, pretending to be serious for a moment as he followed the overexcited children out of his room and to the mess hall. Opening the wide wooden door was more a struggle than it should have been. The short wrigglers kept running around, between his legs and in front of him so he had to back up and let the door close again.

“Geeze guys, chill will you?” His words went unheard, at least out here. Someone from inside seemed to wonder what was taking so long for the guest of honor to arrive and pulled the door open . “Hey Kanaya.” He smiled awkwardly at the troll standing in front of him. Kanaya looked nice, she looked like she had dressed up for a new empress’ inauguration, not a 7th sweep party. Instantly the kids stopped running around like they were mad deer and stared at Kanaya a moment before screaming as they sprinted into the hall. Kanaya giggled, shrugging as she opened the door for Dave.

The redblood had to say he was impressed. They really did the place up. There were many parties in the castle previously, holidays and people leaving behind the orphanage and going out into the world. But nothing like this. There were red and grey streamers hanging from the wall, with a rainbow of balloons floating by the ceiling. A poster with handprints on it hung from the balcony while some kids leaned against the banister, some with plastic cups in their hands filled with some sort of carbonated drink. Dave couldn’t help the grin, the edges of his eyes watering. He wiped the droplets off and felt a hand fall onto his shoulder. Kanaya saw his porcelain mask crumble as he gave her a hug. She froze a moment but relaxed into the hug, giving one back.

“The one you should be embracing in such a manner is Karkat, he’s the one who put this together.” Dave slowly pulled himself away from Kanaya and nodded in agreement. He looked around for the adult but to no avail.

“Speaking of, where is the guy?” Just then he heard screaming from the adjoined kitchen, a number of wrigglers running out of dodge as smoke came from the kitchen. Kanaya furrowed her brows and looked to Dave.

“If you’ll pardon me a moment…” Dave held his hands out and shook them, as well as his head in a no. He wasn’t going to get into Kanaya’s angry path as she stormed to the kitchen. Moments later Karkat exited the kitchen, ash and flour on his face and clothes. Dave walked over cautiously, for all he knew Karkat would randomly catch fire, just like all the adult’s cooking.

“I tried to make a pizza.” Dave stared, blinking slowly at Karkat.

“How does smoke happen for pizza? Even I can make that.” Dave stood on his toes as he tried to peer into the kitchen. He saw Kanaya and two other wrigglers cleaning the mess Karkat had made as well as starting up a new batch of pizza dough.

“I don’t know why I bother, Kanaya is a better cook than me. She’s the one who put the cake in order after I made a giant mess.”

“Yeah, you’re better at organizing stuff like the decorations.”

“You’re right. I should have just let someone else cook rather than take everything on myself.” 

“You think?” The way Karkat said it made Dave laugh, gently punch Karkat in the arm, the adult only smirking and retaliating in kind. The elder looked somehow divine, even as he sported flour and ash on him like there was nothing out of the ordinary. Dave couldn’t help but grin at him. His moment with Karkat ended however as wriggers rushed over to him in a flurry of excitement for the party.

Someone had spiked the punch. Not with alcohol but hot sauce. It was hilarious watching Karkat down a cup of the stuff and nearly toss his lunch as he ran for the kitchen to chug some milk. Dave laughed as he joined in the game of tag. He felt too old for it, had felt that way for a while. But this was his party, his last chance to be a kid. He was going to let loose and do as he pleased. Pin the fork in the Heiress was a fun game as well and he managed to stick the fork in the left eye of the empress. He couldn’t help but giggle. “Guess she’s a pirate now.”

Kanaya nodded in agreement, taking a paper fork and walking forward. A little tealblooded girl put a blindfold over her eyes and spun her a few times. Once she faced towards the sheet with an overly ugly drawing of the heiress on it she stepped forward, arm holding the paper fork out. She stuck the fork right into the heiresses stomach before peeling the blindfold up onto her forehead. She grinned, looking back at the crowd. “I believe that means I won?”

There was a mutter of agreement amongst the spectators as they rushed off to give her a prize, which was nothing more than a stuffed cuttlefish toy. Kanaya grinned, bringing it up to her cheek and smiling at Dave. He couldn’t help but smile back. Even if they weren't in a quadrant, he couldn’t help the pale feeling he got when he looked at her. He sighed as he joined in a game of musical chairs.

The party was wild, as wild as a bunch of unsupervised children could get. Karkat wasn’t a very good chaperone, at most he kept food fights from breaking out. Dave of course won musical chairs, he had longer legs and faster reflexes than most of the wrigglers here. Even with a majority of the kids here knowing how to fight, it didn’t match up to Dave who had trained almost everyday since coming here. After all, it wouldn’t be long till he was fighting for real. Least that was his plan. He didn’t know what Karkat had in mind for what would happen once he was able to hold his head together during his heat. He shook his head, trying to will such thoughts from his mind. He had his party to enjoy, even if he sometimes had to fake a smile. It was sort of enjoyable.The cake that was not a concoction of Karkat’s looked amazing. Big enough to fill the entire orphanage of 72 with at least two slices of cake each. Dave stood before the candles as the group sang in praise as the cake was set on the table, candles blazing on the top. 

“Make a wish.” Kanaya urged Dave on, smiling as she stood by him. Dave shut his eyes, thinking a moment before taking a deep breath and holding it, letting it go after changing his mind and thinking it over. It was an empty wish, wishes for things to stay the same were fickle and due to not come true. One could always hope but the world didn’t halt just because you want it to. He wished for something more practical, a longer sword. The katana he had right now was starting to feel wrong in his hands. He had shot up to much in height for it to be of much use anymore outside of blocking. His sword was an extension of him and with how short it felt now made him feel stunted. He felt stunted as a person in general, everyone was moving on and he was going to stay in the orphanage more than likely the rest of his life.

With the candles blown out the cutting of the cake followed, Karkat cutting it into even pieces. Dave gazed down at the rich brown cake before him. Chocolate was hard to come by, so this was a treat. The cake was decorated with dark chocolate. Swirls of frosting covered the sides and went up to frame the top. Written in some kind of candy letters were the words “Happy 7th Wrigglingday!!!” It seemed whoever decorated it had run out of things to say as well, covering the rest of the cake in random letters. It made Dave smile as he picked up a ‘Q’ and stuck it in his mouth. It tasted sugary sweet. Karkat rolled his eyes and handed him a slice. Dave brought the fork up to his mouth and took the first bite. The chocolate fit perfectly with the raspberry filling and it wasn’t long until he found himself with an empty plate. Karkat and two others helped hand out the cake to eager wrigglers who hadn’t had something this sweet in a long time.

Wrigglers sat in groups chatting as they drank soda, ate cake and pizza and overall had a good time. Dave took his plate and looked around. Kanaya was sitting near the window, a fork resting on her lips. Her slice only had a few bites in it, as if she was thinking rather than eating. Dave joined her, sitting across from her.  
“Hey, looked lonely over here.” Kanaya’s emerald eyes shifted from the window to Dave. She gave a soft smile before looking down at her cake, gently playing with some frosting with the tip of her prong.

“No, not really. I just needed to go somewhere to think.”

“Think about what?” Kanaya wasn’t usually one to separate from the others. If this was anyone else's wrigglingday, she would be in the center of it all making sure not too much chaos was being wrought. Kanaya shook her head, obviously dodging the subject.

“Kanaya?” Dave furrowed his brows, worry crossing his face.  
“It’s nothing.” Kanaya looked up with a weak smile on her lips. “Really, don’t worry yourself with my problems.” She dipped her eyes down and took a bite of the cake. Dave didn’t know how to respond to her and let out a sigh.

“Okay.” Dave wanted to ask more but he wasn’t going to push it. If Kanaya wanted to talk, she would in her own time. Dave just hoped it would be soon. Dave brought his fork up to his mouth and ate another bite.

The party continued, more games were played and they even went outside the orphanages tall walls for yet another game of tag. Which in retrospect was a good thing. With sugar rushing through their system, they had something to burn off. Dave sat on a rock, trying to catch his breath. It was cold enough to see and he rubbed his arms a bit at the cold. It hadn’t snowed the past few days and the dirt on the ground was dry. He was about to stand up and return to the castle but was joined by Kanaya. He nodded at her then followed her gaze upwards. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, the stars glimmered down at them and they could see one of the arms of their galaxy moving past at a snail's pace as their planet turned.

“It’s nice out tonight.” Dave turned to Kanaya, trying to engage her in smalltalk.  
“Indeed it is. Listen Dave. I need to talk to you.” Kanaya bit her lip with her sharp canines, looking like she was struggling to speak. “I want you to understand something.”

“I’m listening.” Dave wasn’t sure where this was going, watching Kanaya fiddle with the ends of her scarf. He had never seen Kanaya act nervous, the girl was reeking of confidence usually. But right now? This uncertainty bothered him. It couldn’t be good news. Dave braced himself for the worst. For all he knew Kanaya hated him and he couldn’t stand the thought of that. He wasn’t pitch at all for her, just pure white pale.

“I have to go.” Dave frowned, unsure of what she meant.

“But you didn’t even tell me anything? You just sat down and brought my hopes up that we’de have a meaningful conversation and th-” Kanaya put her fingers on top of Dave’s lips, silencing him and only pulling away once he was done feeling the need to rant.

“I mean the orphanage. Dave I’ve been reacting to Karkat for weeks now. I can smell him...I can smell you.” She looked down as if it was shameful, rubbing her left arm, trying to keep it warm. “I wanted to wait a bit longer. I do feel pale for you Dave but we both know it wouldn’t work. You have to stay here, stay safe and happy. Me? I have to leave and live a life that I’m scared to live. I don’t know what’s waiting out there in the city for me but I know it’s time to leave. I’ll tell Karkat in a few days.”

“You don’t have to. You can stay here.” Dave put his hand on Kanaya’s shoulder. “You can pretend you don’t smell us. You’re good at hiding how you feel. I know it’s bad for you but I can’t lose you. Especially after what you just said. Even if it’s for a short time, I want to be pale. I want to be moirails why can’t you see that? You make me happy Kanaya and you help keep my head feeling like there’s a shred of sanity left.”

“Dave. I want to stay too but you know that’s a bad idea. I don’t want to hurt you or Karkat. I care for you deeply. Karkat is my lusus so it outright hurts knowing that a part of me wants to defile him. I have to go and we both know that. I’ll wait until after Christmas if that’s what you want but after that? I need to go.”

Dave felt like crying, his lip trembling as hot tears formed on the edge of his eyes. “Until Christmas then.” Kanaya nodded, wiping away green tears that had formed in her eyes. She held a fist out to Dave.

“Yeah.” Dave bumped Kanaya’s fist, doing his best to fake a smile. It was hard, there wasn’t anything joyful about this. He wondered what it would have been like if he could have gone with Kanaya, could have a moirail for real. He would need to have been born anything else, even a maroon. But no, the blood that cursed him also cursed his friends. He realized then that any friendships he formed, any bonds he made, would only be temporary. He wondered how Karkat did it.

Dave went to bed exhausted that day, his muscles sore from running around and being the center of attention. His moment with Kanaya had brought up all kinds of emotions. The pale was mutual and that should have been great, yet it only made him feel worse. Another countdown he would have to endure, this time until Christmas. He had no idea why it even existed, it was still a new holiday and one he should have abhorred. Even if it did malform into what it was now, an exchange of gifts and joy, it’s origin wasn’t as bright.

It was the day celebrating the birth of their current breeding system. The birth of the first redblood. It was hard to believe it was only 152 sweeps ago. Funny how blood mutants went from being culled the moment they were laid to being protected, if you could call slavery to their overbearing empress protection. And what happened to that first redblood? Everyone knew the story. How he had been smuggled out of the brooding caverns, raised by a jadeblood who had gifted him upon ascension to the empress while the mother grubs died around them. Instead of culling him, she took him in and treated him with care.Then when the mutant had a heat, she took him through it and the birth of a clutch of eggs was the result. It was seen as the start of their new world order and a gift. The Condesce didn’t keep the gift from the gods to herself, instead she shared it and kept sharing it.

Least that was how the story went, no one really knew for sure. It sounded nice in theory, how it was every redblooded trolls god given gift to bear the future of Alternia. Load of bullshit, it was. Why did they even celebrate it as redbloods? Were they that panwashed? He supposed it was a good thing no one really paid attention to the origin of the story and focused more on the gift giving; a good mutation of the holiday.Even if most adults celebrated it by going to the nearest brothel. He supposed he might as well try and enjoy it; after all, after the festivity, he would be alone again. Dave grumbled, pulling the covers over his head and curling up. He really didn’t need these thoughts before bed. Funny how the mind worked.

 

***

 

The 34th of the month arrived far too soon in Dave’s opinion. The perigee had swiftly passed by and Dave wished yet again to stop time and keep it from happening. Christmas felt like just any other sweep’s: Cold, full of family and exchanged gifts. Dave tried to smile, laugh even but nothing could change how empty he felt. Kanaya had told Karkat that her reaction to the two redbloods was making her control waver and it was agreed she would leave after the New Sweeps. Eight extra days more than they had planned yet it still didn’t feel like enough.

The day prior to New Sweeps, Dave had a feelings jam with her. Bundled up in her room in blankets, hot chocolate sitting cozy on the table in front of them. It was one of the few things not packed in crates and boxes. Most of the smaller clothes had been given to the next generation of younglings who still roamed the halls of their home. Kanaya was getting ready to leave and Dave was getting ready to say goodbye. Not today though, he still had a day and he would do all he could to make the most of it. He had so much to talk about with the jadeblood, varying from quick tidbits of his not so standard childhood, to his fears of the future.

“I’m scared, Kanaya. I’ve seen the things they put redbloods in, how those redbloods beg to be fucked. I’m scared I’ll end up like them.” He stirred the deep brown liquid in his cup, tipping it this way and that so the froth on top spreaded out. Dave looked at Kanaya, she always seemed to think long and hard before replying. She stirred her own hot cocoa with a spoon, gently setting it down on a perfectly folded napkin.

“Fear isn’t something you can run from. You have to face it head on. It’s what Karkat has been doing for sweeps. You haven't been here long enough to see him struggle. I know a sweep can feel like a long time but it’s really not. Something happened here before I came, he was cold and distant for such a long time to everyone.” She took a sip, shutting her eyes, the long eyelashes hooding part of her cheeks before she looked back at Dave. “Except you. You’re the lone troll who gets to stay. I’m jealous really, this has been my home since...forever.” She ran a claw over the patterns on the rug, moving the threads that made it.

“What’s there to be jealous of? Not like I’m any different from any other wriggler here. Just because I’m a redblood as well doesn’t mean I’m not --” Dave gave a pause and sighed. “I think redbloods can react to each other. They never teach you that but I can feel it. I want him to...you know.” He made a hand gesture to illustrate the point. He made a circle with his index and thumb and moved the index finger of his other hand into it and wiggled his finger around inside. Kanaya snorted at the gesture and put her cocoa down.

“Well, it just means you’re growing up. Not just physically, mentally too. You know what your body wants, yet you’re lucid enough to abstain. The reason we leave is because the heat relieves everyone of that thing we call our mind. I don’t want to act like a sex-starved animal, it’s why I have to go. Karkat, even if he is my lusus, I want him. I’m scared I’ll want you too and in more than just a pale manner. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Dave put his hands on her arms and Kanaya looked at him startled. “You think I’m not scared? I know how redbloods think, Kanaya. I am one and I know just how wild a heat can make someone. Karkat….I don’t know how he does it, cause you can smell him struggling and...I’m scared I won’t beat that struggle like him.”

“What makes you think you can’t be like Karkat?” Kanaya relaxed her arms as Dave’s hands slid off and went slack at his sides. “You ran, not many redbloods make it this far.”  
“I know that. Doesn’t mean I don’t hold those fears. I just think I would be better if you stayed here, helped me through it.” Kanaya let out a deep sigh, running a thin hand through smooth black locks.

“Even if I could help you, I would be a threat to Karkat, to the wrigglers here. I can’t put my friends and family in danger for selfish reasons. I’m lucky I got to stay so long. Besides, I can always write to you.”

“Yeah but how often does the mail get here?” Kanaya snorted, shaking her head. Dave did have a point. The mail system was awful and they got letters perhaps once a perigee if not longer. Dave never got any mail, as far as anyone was concerned outside the fortress, he was missing. The government was probably not pleased. Missing trolls happened all the time. Murders were quite easy to accomplish when the sun left no evidence. He wouldn’t mind if they kept thinking that. If he was dead in the eyes of the government, it meant no one would look for him. Dave sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“I’m sure we can figure something out. Not like Karkat bars communication outside the orphanage.” Dave leaned back, using his arms to keep him upright. It didn’t feel all that great, so he let gravity take hold and rested his hands behind his head as he lay down on the shaggy rug.

“No, he doesn’t but I still think he would be careful about possible drones intercepting the mail. I think that’s why merchants trade with us in goods, not money. Harder to trace.” Kanaya drank more of her chocolate, finishing the cup and going over to the small stove she kept in her room. No doubt it would be moved back to the kitchen or to someone else’s room who liked to drink tea and chocolate during the daytime.

“Yeah. I haven't touched any money in ages. Would be bad if I suddenly started using credits out in the middle of a forest where it’s rumored that a redblood has a fortress filled to the brim with youth.” Dave watched Kanaya giggle, brushing a curl behind her ear.

“I think that’s wise. Besides, I’m sure the next Strider in line would love it.”

“Oh gross. That would imply I have siblings. Do you know what they do to redbloods who have siblings right?”

“Uhm...no? I’m afraid I’m not informed of that matter.”

“Pretty much the redblood becomes their slave. They’re sold by their own family. For all I know I pissed off some people by running but hey, not my fault I was hatched this way.” Dave sat back up and crawled over to the table to get his hot chocolate and finish the sweet nectar.

“That sounds detestable. A slave to your own blood…” Kanaya shuddered and shook her head as she returned with a fresh cup of hot chocolate. She was using the same mug, no doubt wanting to cut down on dishes to hand wash.

“Yeah. Feels like a betrayal really. But I guess it’s not since no one is really raised with blood. It’s all lusus or group homes with a few lusus since they’re dying out too.”

“It feels like our species as a whole is dying truthfully. I suppose that happens when the mother grubs die out. Did you know my blood castes duty was to protect them? I wonder what happened.” Dave shrugged, unknowing. Everyone knew they died out, no one really knew why, that detail was lost to history. Kanaya sighed, shaking her head in defeat. “Whatever, that was then and this uncertain existence is now. Those stories of our past where we traveled the stars could just be that, stories.”

“Yeah but then you look at some books and you know those details can’t be made up.” He sat up, reaching for his empty mug and sighed, looking down. “I’m going to get some more.” He started to stand and winced, falling back down on his ass. He had drank far too much and really had to pee. Kanaya giggled as Dave’s eyes fell to her door and he crossed his legs to keep his bladder in check.

“Go, I’ll make you some cocoa for when you come back.” Dave nodded, standing up and briskly walking to the door. Kanaya sighed as she picked up his empty mug and made him a drink. If only the days could remain that simple.

 

***

 

On New Sweep’s day she stood before the orphanage, a small group of trolls who wanted to say their final farewells to the jadeblood. Dave stood in front, his hands moving hurriedly to help move the things she was taking with her onto the wagon led by one of the merchants. She would ride to town with him and then start her life. She would apprentice under the merchant for some time; midbloods didn’t have it so easy. Eridan had wealth to go to when he left, Kanaya had no such thing. She would have to work for it. This merchant was a start. Not only that, it meant Dave would get to see her maybe once in awhile. Kanaya walked up to Dave, forcing a smile, green tears were welling up at the corner of her eyes. Kanaya was the only one who listened, the only one who made him feel like he wasn’t a monster. It felt great having a moirail, even if he knew the relationship would wither once Kanaya was free from her childhood home. She had no obligation to keep talking to him, to keep in touch. She was going out there to live her life and he would remain behind. He knew he would always be the one to stay. Any feelings he developed would just wither and die once the person he afflicted them on left. The only constant was Karkat. It wasn’t enough and Dave wanted to scream.

 _Please don’t go. Please stay here with me._ He wanted to scream those words out to her. He couldn’t get those words out, instead he clung onto her like a lost child. He felt cool arms surround him, Kanaya felt the same.

“I’ll miss you.” She petted him between the horns like a little wriggler and even if he felt too old for it, he clung like it would make a difference. He knew it wouldn’t, this was it. This was his goodbye to the female troll who meant the most to him.

“Goodbye.” Dave whispered it, not wanting to make it official. Kanaya smiled at him sadly.

“Goodbye Dave, don’t forget me.” Dave felt like he was choking as he pulled away and strained out a louder goodbye. He heard his voice crack and he was doing his best to hold back his tears. Her cool thumb grazed his cheek, wiping away a lost tear. He thought he was doing his best to hold back how he felt and was failing. He hiccuped as he gave her another hug and would have stayed that way if Karkat didn’t put his hand on Dave’s shoulder and rouse him from his emotional tangent.

Kanaya smiled down at him. It wasn’t long until she was ushered onto the wagon and it felt like mere seconds before she was out of sight. He couldn’t move on his own after that, his legs were frozen to the snow ridden ground. He felt a warm hand on his shoulder and looked up, seeing Karkat silently giving him a comforting smile. Dave sniffled, dragging his gloved hand over his cheeks to wipe away any stray tears.  
“We should go inside.”  
“I don’t want to.”

“Want me to leave you out here for a bit?” Dave nodded, sniffling as he looked back at the direction Kanaya had walked towards. Karkat and the other’s who had seen her off were heading back inside the gate. Dave ran. He had to get away and catch up to her, stop her from leaving. He had no idea where she went and after running up a hill he collapsed to his knees, panting as he tried to look for her footprints in the snow. No such luck, just his own. The wind was strong tonight and bit his ruby cheeks. He sniffled again, sitting down on the hill to catch his breath. He could see the entire castle from here. The great grey stones, the smoke rising from chimneys in kitchens and rooms. He curled up, putting his chin on his knees as he stared down.

Alone out here he should have felt scared and vulnerable. He didn’t. He felt at peace for some reason, even if his head throbbed with the threat of an oncoming headache. He had no idea how long he sat like that, freezing his ass off and no doubt catching a cold. Dave stood once he began to see the horizon starting to change color with the rising sun and setting moons. It was time to go back home and prepare for what tomorrow would bring. He was Seven now, time to grow up and not have goodbye be the hardest thing to say. There were so much worse things than that and he had to learn to face them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you guys, this is a sad fic. Half my computer parts have arrived and I might have the full thing fixed up and ready to draw in like... a week. Hopefully. It's very frustrating cause my laptop at most can handle web surfing and movies. I tried using sai. It worked but it was literally the most uncomfortable thing I have ever experienced. But yeah. Worst Birthday ever. Still....Laughing at Stick the Fork in the Heiress. Best party game ever. God. Someone draw that. 
> 
> Speaking of. Been getting some fanart! Look at theeeese!  
> [1](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/post/140748568017) [2](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/post/140742309252%22)  
> Perfection  
> But yeah, I'm posting this stuff on [my tumblr with the tag NHEAfic.](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic) If you do post something, feel free to use that tag or poke me on tumblr, I don't use the site enough some days to notice. But yeah...Wow.  
> 13 Chapters and still a long way to go. Like... a lot. Actually, I finished the outline of the fic few days ago. Should I put the estimated number of chapters up? Cause it's a lot.  
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	14. Puberty's a Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The clock had been ticking down for Dave for a while now and it seems his time is now up. Dave has his first heat and experiences the joys of adulthood. Joy? There’s nothing joyful about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for Porn, **more porn** , and did I mention _PORN?_  
>  Also, my beta's came up with the title for the chapter, I just went with it.

Dave never thought he would miss someone, Kanaya was gone and Dave was left to deal with his feelings on his own. He knew deep down his feelings for Karkat were a bad thing, especially as another redblood but the young teen had no idea how to control that sort of emotion, so he just kept doing things to keep his mind busy. He thought practicing with his sword against other wrigglers would help, leave him too tired to think at all. He was wrong; even as his muscles ached as he made his way to his room, his mind would fill with thoughts of Karkat : The strong jawline, the gruff voice, the way his hipbones jutted out. Dave growled angrily as he scraped his claws against the wall, just thinking about it made his nook quiver. It was all a load of bullshit and as he made his way to his door, his knees buckled underneath him, leaving him panting hard as the world spun around him. He rested his head against the door a few minutes before forcing himself up on his feet and near throwing himself into his room, slamming the door behind him as he collapsed on his bed.

The pain was terrible and he had no idea why he felt like something was stabbing him in his tender gut. It couldn’t be his heat, he had no need to fuck. All he wanted to do was lay down and not move. Dave grumbled a bit under his breath as he rolled over onto his back and lifted his shirt up enough so he could see his pale grey stomach. He ran a hand down from his rib-cage to his pelvic bone; still smooth, no eggs. He let out a sigh of relief as he fell back down against the soft surface of the futon. He knew time was ticking away for him and it would happen any day now. He had to get ready to spend a week in his room.

The week after Kanaya left Karkat had Dave move to one of the few rooms in the orphanage with a bathroom connected; Kanaya’s old room. He gulped as he ran a hand over the wall. It looked so barren without her stuff; it looked like an alien planet with his. Karkat installed a steel lock on Dave’s door, one that could only be opened from the inside and with a key. If he was in heat he’d be too far gone to find the key. He didn’t know how he would react to it. Not all redbloods reacted the same during their first heat. Most got knocked up by trolls breaking into their hive. Or a worse option: Found by a drone who would drag the confused redblood to the middle of town to a breeding block where they would be ravished by any troll who took a fancy for them.

Dave had been drilled by Karkat numerous times on what to do if he felt his heat coming on, or if there was a breach to the orphanage. The plan seemed to consist of getting to his room and locking himself inside. He was fucking timed for it daily. He was getting faster and Karkat just seemed to be getting more irritable by the day. Dave wanted to push the elder against a wall and kiss him to shut him up. He never did, just kept drilling, practicing with his sword and checking for any developing eggs.

By the end of winter, Dave still did not have his heat. He wasn’t complaining, snow and what Karkat kept describing in detail did not sound pleasant. Karkat had heats every three perigees, about average really without any medicine in his system urging him to have one every perigee. Dave wondered how often he would have his and when it would even start.

He dropped his equipment off in the corner of his room and made his way to the bed . That dawn, he laid and stared at the ceiling for a good hour. His arms and legs were sore and he was pretty certain he had calluses on his feet by now. He just wanted to go to bed, skip his usual routine of a shower, check for eggs and reading. His body seemed to agree as he passed out within minutes.

Dave woke early in the day, squinting as small beams of light hit his ceiling. He sighed, sliding out of his bed and made his way to the restroom to pee. After emptying his bladder he glanced over at the shower. Might as well take one. After turning the water to an acceptable temperature, he stripped down and stepped under the spray. He let it hit him for a few good minutes, the liquid easing away the pain in his joints. He kept his eyes closed as he put a hand in the center of his ribs and let his hand slide down to his nook. He didn’t mean for it to go so low but it felt good. He rubbed the slit where his bulge rested and gasped in pleasure as he slid down to sit on the floor. He had been a lot more sexual the past few weeks, masturbating constantly and feeling outright good from it. Still, he had a task to do before he spent time enjoying himself.

With a few inches of his bulge out he ran his hand back up his body nice and slow. He was feeling for eggs, seeing if he was ready. He furrowed his brows when something felt wrong near his abdomen. He kept his hand there, rubbing it up and down as he slowly opened his eyes and peered down. No wonder he woke up in pain, he looked a bit bloated. He shut his eyes as he moved down to his nook, pressing his fingers in. He had eaten a lot that day so he hoped it was nothing more than a bit of an upset stomach. He gasped and groaned in disgust when he felt things pressing against the walls, his seedflap no doubt full of forming eggs. He wanted to puke, leaning out of the bathtub and pulling the lid of the toilet up as he got out of the tub. He felt bile rise in his throat but nothing came out.

He was shaking, just letting the water run next to him. He knew Karkat would get on his case for wasting water and shut it off, toweling himself off and returned to his bed. He didn’t even bother putting pajamas on, just fell asleep crying in the nude. This was it, his heat would happen any day now.

 

***

 

The following day he told Karkat and the elder nodded, going to the kitchen with Dave in tow. They would stockpile food in his room, make it so he had fresh bread as well as some dried meats. A few fruits and vegetables as well, although he doubt he would even touch them. Dave didn’t smile the entire day, just did as he was told. He felt like a daywalker, a zombie with no will of its own. He knew his heat was inevitable but he didn’t think it would happen so soon.

“When do you think it’ll happen? I mean it’s only the first day I’ve felt something in there.” The first time he spoke all day and his voice cracked in the middle of it. Karkat looked over and gave him a pitying look. How Dave wished he didn’t look at him like that, his hormones were at an all time high and he wanted to kiss him . It was like they were vacillating, one moment he wanted to punch Karkat and the next be held by him and share fond kisses. It was annoying as hell. He managed not to fall to temptation, distracting himself by biting the fruit in his hand. It was an unpeeled lemon and Dave noticed the taste right away, spitting out the cidery bitter juice.

Karkat let out an amused scoff at this, watching Dave wiping off his tongue with his hand. “Probably less than a week. They tend to start forming shells to trap slurry a few days prior.”

“Is that what I was feeling then?” He ran a hand down his stomach. He didn’t feel it as much through his shirt but he could feel the slight groove between the eggs present. “It feels so weird.”

“Yeah, you get used to it though. Come on, help me get this shit to your room. I’m strong but I’m no musclebeast.” Karkat lifted the cardboard box filled with supplies and waited for Dave to lift his before heading to his room. Dave had to stop a few times, his vision was swimming. It felt kind of hot but that was expected to happen prior to the real heat hitting. He wasn’t looking forward to that at all.

“We’ll see where you are in two days and we’ll get you more food and shit.” Karkat set the box down on Dave’s bed, watching as Dave nearly dropped his. “You feeling alright, kiddo?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Dave wasn’t being honest, he felt like shit. “You can just leave the box there, I’ll organize it.” He looked up at Karkat and gave a weak , fake smile. He felt kind of dizzy and the world was spinning. He shut his eyes and held his forehead as it got worse. Dave didn’t even realize he was tipping to the side. Karkat caught the fainting wriggler, frowning down at him as he set him on the bed.

“Probably less than a week...fuck.” Karkat ran a hand through his hair before shutting the door behind him and leaving . Karkat had seen the symptoms on himself before. He did feel weak prior to a heat but he had never fainted. Dave, he wondered how he would deal once he was waist deep in lava.

 

***

 

Dave sighed, looking at Karkat. “How did you fight off your first heat? Or did you just hide? Does hiding even work for us?” He looked away, rubbing his left arm. Karkat didn’t talk about his past much and the only clues were in that box. “Was John the one who helped you escape?”

Karkat looked at Dave, brushing his bangs back and holding them against his scalp before letting go and letting them fall back down.

“No. John , he --Let’s just say it didn’t work out between us. Look, the important part is if I can fight off my instincts, so can you. I don’t want you fighting off challengers this time, the longer they think there’s only one redblooded troll the better.”

Dave nodded, understanding the predicament they were in. Karkat was going to fight for him as long as he could. He wondered if that would work as well, because as far as he could tell, Karkat wasn’t reacting to his pheromones. “That makes sense I guess.” He shifted his weight a bit, unsure about just letting Karkat fight his battles for him.

He supposed it was for the best, after all a redbloods first heat was always the hardest. Dave estimated he had hardly any time left. “I’m actually kind of tired so maybe I should head to bed?” He looked over at Karkat who was making a quick count of the provisions stockpiled in Dave’s room.  
“Huh? Yeah, I’ll get going then. Night and good luck. You’ll need it.” Dave’s eyes followed Karkat’s ass as he walked out, barely able to pull away as the door was shut. His cheeks were flushed and his boxers were a bit wet. He didn’t have time to be aroused right now, he couldn’t achieve any sleep that day, turning and tossing as he finally gave in and just petted his nook. He was too exhausted to go at it fully but this was calming. Normally he would just masturbate the bubbling instincts of a redblood away but with his heat imminent, he just wanted to sleep. Eventually as his body relaxed against the soft cushion of the mattress, hand sliding out of his sweatpants and moving up to his belly as he finally fell to slumber.

His heat arrived that morning and woke the teen with no remorse in the middle of the morning. His body was in pain and demanding sex. He managed to walk to the door, red dripping between his legs and his bulge out and locked it before heading back to bed, curling up.

 _Fuck, we’re out of time._ Dave gasped in surrender as he shifted his legs, feeling every bit of friction as he moved them. This wasn’t the everyday type of sexual desire where he could ignore it if he chose. This was the kind where he felt like he was going to burst into flames if he didn’t have something up his nook. It outright pained him as he struggled towards the provision boxes, praying he could find something within to use. He felt like he would die if he didn’t get something between his legs. There were cans and boxes of food. There had to be something he could use.

Dave held up a zucchini he found near a jar of dried peaches. He had no idea why Karkat thought he would eat such a vile vegetable but it was the right shape and size. Sure it couldn’t move but he needed the relief. He slid under his bed covers, lowering his sweatpants down to his knees. His bulge was already out, the partially red member curling in on itself, getting off on the pleasure of being exposed to air. His nook was wet and sticky, the lips inflamed with all the blood flowing down. He always wondered why porn magazines always had redbloods nook lips look ginormous, now he knew. It was an effect of the heat.

He whimpered in discomfort, heat sucked and spreading his legs to get comfortable wasn’t going to happen. Just letting the air graze him wasn’t helping, he needed the friction. He was panting as he spread his legs and positioned the green monstrosity. He knew better than just to stick it inside and gently worked a pair of fingers in. Dave gasped in pleasure moment his fingers touched the walls. He had masterbated plenty of times before but heat made him all the more sensitive. It was like discovering himself all over again.

It wasn’t long before his nook was soaked and his bulge wrapped around his wrist. He picked the zucchini that had been placed between his legs up and slowly started to insert it into his nook . It was a bit painful, it wasn’t the right shape with its blunt end. Still, it filled him up and as long as he was slow it would be sufficient. He got half of it in before his nook refused to part for the green intrusion. It was fine, it felt good. He took a few deep breaths before he started moving it in and out slowly, working up to a faster pace. It felt heavenly, the redblood moaning in pleasure as he relieved himself. It wasn’t long before the troll orgasmed, not used to something so big inside. His nook spasmed, trying to draw the plant in to no avail. The spasms felt good however, pressing against the plant and drawing it in a bit deeper. He rolled to his side, eyes shut with the pseudo-dildo still up his orifice before his body went limp and he fell asleep.

When he woke, it was almost dusk and he could hear footsteps outside and Karkat’s voice. Karkat; he needed him. He stood up, rushing to his feet as he heard a pop come from his nook. He looked down, realizing that was merely the zucchini sliding out. He pulled his pants up, ignoring his bulge which screamed for attention, wanting to follow Karkat. Wanting to follow any adult really, as long as it filled his need for sex. He pulled on the door handle, growling as it wouldn’t budge. He had no idea where he put the key. He knew it was somewhere. He spent a good hour looking for it to no avail and he gave up in frustration as he lay on his bed. He had no idea it was taped under the bottom of his sock drawer.

Whatever the case, his heat had come knocking at his metaphorical door again and he found his hand down his pants. He was mostly playing with the tip of his bulge and the lips to his nook while staring at the ceiling. Dave lay on his back staring up, he realized something. His hands were covered in his genetic material, the bedsheets under his rear stained the same bright hue. The troll swallowed, still trying to get ahold of himself. He was still in heat, he knew that for certain. The tingling between his legs was still there and he couldn’t stop shaking. His throat was sore from all the sounds he had let escape his lips and he rubbed the skin with one of his hands, then groaned as he covered his face with his forearm.

The light even from his simple lantern was hurting his eyes. Why was it so bright? Or was that just the heat keeping his pupils dilated? Dave couldn’t tell, just shifted over to his side to try and relieve his heat. It only made it worse, his legs together was outright painful. He grabbed a spare pillow and stuck it between his legs. It relieved the pain a bit but the aggravation was nothing compared to the pain he felt in his core.

His nook was outright aching and his bulge had never been so active. For now while he was basking in the afterglow of his orgasm, he could at least think clearly. He didn’t know how long he had, heat was so much worse than he had expected it to be. It was like the desire had crawled onto his shoulder, sat perched there for a while like an obedient bird. Right before biting down hard enough to draw blood, leaving a crippling pain and the inability to feel anything but.

It was exactly how Dave felt now, helpless to his desires. He let out a sob, the realization sinking in. He wasn’t a teen anymore even if he was only seven sweeps old. He had a heat, something that made society view redbloods as nothing more than breeding nooks. He bit his lower lip, clutching the bedsheets with his hand as he felt another wave of warmth travel downwards, the heat renewing. His hand scrambled to be between the folds of his nook, behind his throbbing bulge. He knew it now, he was nothing more than just another breeder : Hungry for a bulge, anything to sate what he felt now. It was enough to leave him speechless, thoughts leaving him as soon as they came. All he could do was want and need and right now he needed his nook full.

Finger’s found themselves deep inside and he gasped, curling them as he ran the pads of his digits against the fiery walls. He worked deeper, rolling back onto his back to spread his legs easier, going up to his knuckles, letting the red cover his digits. He was panting, eyes squeezing shut every time a bolt of pleasure went through him. It felt so good to relieve some pressure. He didn’t know why he had hesitated so much at first, touching himself was all he needed really. He couldn’t refuse himself like Karkat could , Dave wasn’t that strong. Or maybe Karkat wasn’t as strong as he was now, maybe the other had fought his own demons when he was younger. It was impossible to tell.

Karkat, he couldn’t stop thinking about him. He imagined the elder being the one who was between his legs, crawling over his body and filling him with bulge. He gasped as he hit a pleasurable spot, pressing deep into it, making his head spin. He didn’t want it to stop feeling so good, continuing his self pleasuring. It felt like no matter how good it felt, it was missing something. He of course knew what it was but he refused to fall to his instincts like that. Karkat being inside him was going to continue to be a figment of his vivid imagination, not a reality. If only he didn’t have to worry about what his body was capable of. If only he didn’t have to worry about what their copulation could result in. No, his own fingers would have to do for this heat and for every other one after it.

 

***

 

Karkat woke up regretting not realizing the signs of Dave’s heat sooner. Within the first two seconds all Karkat knew was that something was _wrong_ , like a gun to your temple wrong and after a moment he was faced with the frankly horrific series of realizations that was being aroused when he wasn't in heat. Karkat had never dealt with that kind of interest but Dave's heat was overwhelming.

Karkat could barely think, just want. There was just impulse after impulse telling him he should be with the younger mutant, specifically close to him, more specifically taking his time and claiming Dave's heat nice and slow. Karkat dug his claws into the walls, panting hard as his claws raked against the stones, filing them down and then moving his hands into his own skin and it was like the pain didn't even matter. Not with this smell in the air. Karkat needed to go take care of Dave. Oh god, he needed to do it now. He gritted his teeth and kept his ass planted for as long as he possibly could in his bed before he was stumbling upright, mind one blurry pull of instinct, out the door and shoved up against Dave's.

He shook the handle, giving a huge sigh of relief when he realized it was locked. _Thank fuck, good going, wriggler_ \--and it ended in a groan, bulge out and making Karkat pant with a specific set of desires that needed to be **_shot_ ** . _Dave is a kid and it doesn't matter._ Karkat couldn't remember if Dave had food or water in there. The worst part was, Karkat didn't even know if he was worried because he wanted to keep his charge alive or because he wanted that door to be unlocked. He sent a quite possibly very garbled message through the door asking the teen about it. When he only got a moan in reply, he near threw himself from the door. He bit his lip hard and then stumbled out of the hallway to get as far away as possible from the heat scent.

The only positive was that for now Karkat was genuinely so drunk off of Dave's smell that he hadn't remembered he had set up a large steel lock and wooden bar inside the door that Dave could just drop down and keep intruders out. Hadn't Karkat told somebody to do that? If bigger kids started acting funny? He couldn't remember.

He logically knew there was no getting away from it --the mutant pheromone went on for miles once a mutant went into heat --but getting away from Dave's room made Karkat feel mildly less like a repulsive pustule on the face of Alternia.

"Challengers?" He rasped when he got to the gate, manned by a few of the older kids --none of them of age, presumably, because they all looked like they weren't batshit insane. Karkat liked them each about 200% more.

“Yeah, about twenty of them.” Karkat nodded, rushing down the ladder to the armory. Karkat got his sickles, panting frantically and headed towards the short way down. He desperately needed to be doing something _exhausting_ .

“Open the gate!” The wrigglers were quick to obey, watching as their lusus stalked out, ready to protect their way of life. A few growled when they saw Karkat and some were confused. They realized the smell wasn't coming off him. A few realized that there had to be another mutantblood there and tried to rush past Karkat to the fortress, only to be stopped by metal slicing through their middles. The few who made it to the wall, were electrocuted. Still, some didn't notice the difference between Dave and Karkat's smell and assumed it was Karkat, rushing the troll.

It was like he wasn’t even tired, slashing at trolls, no need to protect himself, just kill and maim. When there was no one left standing to make Karkat's sickles drip, he panted, staring at the ground and taking note of the fact that it hadn't curbed his desires at _all_. Heat could be burned out, apparently but not the lust for it. Part of Karkat wished he could use this, because he'd just run himself _fucking hard_ and he wasn't even remotely tired. He knew he should be, that he should be crashing on the spot but he felt like he could go for days. Maybe if Dave were in heat and Karkat could somehow keep himself off of the kid, they could just go around taking on anyone.

The fact that this sounded fun enough to make Karkat grin was probably a solid indication that Karkat's thinkpan was not remotely functional. It wasn't even just about getting to mate, part _destroy_ something. None of Karkat's wrigglers had shown him any indication of this kind of impulse --they came after Karkat helpless and almost sweet --so maybe this was what adults were.

Or maybe it was just Karkat. Maybe he'd been relying on blood rages for too long and this was what he defaulted to when he was needing something only another troll could give him. He was so fucking glad that Dave had locked his door. With the challenge finished, though, Karkat had no choice but to head inside. Not only would staying out here be stupid; Karkat knew what happened to him if he stay away from the kids for more than a few hours and it's not like he didn't still have his own eggs inside, heat or no; but there were other issues. His wrigglers, big and small and the dozens of mundane crises he had to deal with every day. Karkat was coherent enough to deal with simple problems. He could do his share of work. So he went back inside, found a crisis and tried to focus.

He found himself compulsively checking Dave’s in case Dave had responded to his inquiry about the supplies. Karkat had no illusions at this point; he was checking for the wrong reasons. If Dave would respond, it would ease his worry a bit. Did the freaking wriggler die in there or was he sleeping through his heat? When the scent coming from the room became too much, Karkat got himself to the other side of the Orphanage for as long as he could stand. This was going to be a long week.

For Karkat at least, heat felt just like one long drawn out moment in hell. Reacting to someone in heat? It felt like time was moving at a snail's pace. He fought day after day until the challengers stopped arriving. Which, only happened on the 5th day of Dave’s heat when it was starting to simmer down. Yet, somehow before he knew it, Dave’s heat passed with neither redblood jumping the other. When Dave finally emerged from the room Karkat gave him a relieved smile. Dave just looked tired and waved before yawning and heading back inside. Karkat had handled the situation and Dave had gotten through his first heat without incident.

 

***

 

Karkat stood outside Dave’s door, back leaning against the wooden frame. “You just have to push you know.” He heard a crash and then a string of swears coming from inside. “Oh come on, you didn’t expect the eggs to just dissolve inside you or something?”

“Shut up!” Dave whined as he sat on the toilet. He had a plastic bag over it, letting whatever exited his body to land inside. Not one book told him that he was expected to pass his eggs once the heat was over. On reflection, he wasn’t surprised that no book covered this. Unfertilized eggs had to be passed and that was what he was doing. He tapped his knee, a bit impatient. Not one egg had passed out of him yet and Karkat only told him about this little detail when Dave woke up not feeling like he was going to experience a moment of spontaneous combustion.

He squeezed his nook muscles tight then relaxed them, hoping that would move the eggs along. He had no idea what it was supposed to feel like and this just overall sucked. He groaned as he leaned over, clutching his middle which was still bulging with eggs. He took a deep breath and pushed again, eyes going wide as he felt something slide out of his seedflap and into his nook. He pushed again, feeling it sliding down and eventually, plopping into the bag bellow. He spread his legs a bit to glance down, blinking at the single white egg laying in the trashbag.

He knew more were coming, he just didn’t expect the next egg to follow so soon. He was crying as he laid the small eggs, no larger than a golf ball slide out one after another. Dave had drool coming out of his mouth by the end of it. 17 fucking eggs...He fell back against the seat of the toilet, staring at the ceiling. He knew clutches were big but he had no idea how he would have survived if he had been in the city getting his nook pounded.

Once his body had stopped convulsing he stood up and pulled his pants back over his ass and tied the trashbag up. The eggs had to be disposed of, be destroyed by the sun just like all their other trash. He came out of his room, bag an arm's length away as he walked past Karkat.

“We never speak of this again, deal?” Karkat only nodded in agreement as Dave walked past. He had made it through his first heat and he was sure to make it through his next. It would stay like this, Dave hiding during his heat and Karkat fighting to protect the orphanage from challengers during both mutants heats. They just had to keep it up for the next thirty or so sweeps. _Fun._

 

[;

End Part 1

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah...End of the First arc. I MADE IT! Also holy crap...3 chapters in the span of a week, plus the entire outline...I seem to be on a roll.  
> But yeah, I'm posting this stuff on [my tumblr with the tag NHEAfic.](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic) If you do post fanart/fanfic, feel free to use that tag or poke me on tumblr, I don't use the site enough some days to notice. But yeah...Wow.  
> 14 Chapters and first arc done. Holy cow. 15 is a stand-alone chapter and you'll get a glimpse of what is going on in different parts of the world. That being said, it's a pretty long chapter and I only just started working on it so it might take a while.  
> Also apparently Ao3 has been formating my stuff weird and adding random spaces on some browsers so if you see that let me know cause it's a weird html thing that I'm trying to fix but I don't always catch all of them.  
> Next Arc is chapter 16-23, It might be longer since some of the outlines I've written are pretty long and I don't want to type more than 10k words per chapter so some of them might be split into 2-3 depending on the pace I end up going. I'm actually pretty excited about part 2!!! Cya in a few weeks once I get enough of that written...Heheh. Kill me what have I gotten myself into?
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	15. Blue Diamond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wrigglers disappear all the time, but what happens when they’re captured by drones? Nepeta and Equius have been captured for almost a sweep now, and their captors are at the edge of breaking.  
> TW for blood, torture, child abuse, child imprisonment and overall gore.

John stood in his office, the tall walls going at least twenty feet above his head. The troll paced around the room, his boots made of leather and carapace barely making a sound as he wore a groove into the wooden flooring. The carapace was a metallic black, a sign he was superior to the other drones who wore varying shades of white and yellow. The spikes on his shoulders went up to a bit past his ears and the black carapace looked good on him. This was no fake drone material he was donning, this was the real deal and he had worked to get it long and hard. A blue cape billowed behind him as he paced, stopping once in a while to glance at the golden framed door.

He had expected Gamzee to arrive half an hour ago and it was downright frustrating. He groaned, walking back to the chair and desk in the middle of the room and slung his feet up on the table, leaning back against the chair. This was ridiculous and he wanted the damn indigoblood to hurry the fuck up. How long could it possibly take to go down to the dungeons and fetch the two wrigglers they had found in the forest ? He waited another 10 minutes before standing up and slamming his hands on the table in anger.

“For fucks sake where the hell is he?! You would expect someone with the title captain to be more punctual!” John ran a hand through messy black hair. They finally had a lead to where the exact coordinates of that blasphemous orphanage was and the person in charge of bringing the children in to interrogate was fucking late. The nerve of the guy, just because he was higher on the hemospectrum didn’t mean he could fucking wander off and do whatever he damned pleased. 

John was about to leave the room to search for the irresponsible yet irreplaceable subjugglator when the door slammed open. John stared. He wasn’t even in armor, just the black tunic and pants they wore underneath.  _ Way to fucking do our job.  _ John ran a hand down his face in frustration, just watching the taller horned troll meander his way into the closed off room. He was alone. Another facepalm.

“What’s wrong with this picture?” John growled at his moirail, shooting daggers of ice at the troll. Gamzee just shrugged.   
“Don’t look nothing wrong with me brother.” John let out an exasperated sigh, shaking his head. Gamzee didn’t have a right to wear the black carapace or even call himself John’s equal but blood ascended him to the high tier in the imperial army. “You look tense John, do you need a chillaxing pap?”

“I don’t need a pap right now! I need you to do your job.”

“As your moirail?” Gamzee was over abundantly clueless and John slumped in the chair, his feet sliding down to the floor.

“As a...fuck. As an imperial officer of her Condence’s order! You know this Gamzee. You were ordered to bring the wrigglers from the forest here for interrogation. Shit…” Gamzee just stood there, a dopey grin on his face. John furrowed his brows. “You got into the confiscated drugs again didn’t you?”

“What? Me? No, never.” 

John could tell when the indigoblood was lying and stood from his chair. He made his way to the troll and sniffed. Soper, a substance that was banned before either of them were hatched. Making it was illegal, yet people still found ways. John knew of it’s methods of course, he had to have a way to track down rings that made it. It was made of grubs, something they were no longer allowed to kill. Trolls were dying off, they had to keep as many in the genetic pool as possible. A vast majority of trolls alive currently would have been culled due to defects in the olden days, the quality of trolls nowadays was diminishing. 

“You smell of soper. Seriously Gamzee, you can’t go around eating that shit. It was bad enough when our species fucking slept in that crap, ingesting it is downright stupid.”

“But I see things you wouldn’t believe when I do. I see miracles and how to save our species and --.”

John cut him off, shaking his head in disbelief. 

“The miracles,” John made air quotes, “that you are seeing are called hallucinations and I would appreciate it if you didn’t use a fucking drug that you shouldn’t even have access to right before you have important matters to resolve that not only put your job at stake but MINE as well.” John frowned as he looked at Gamzee. Clueless as ever. The only time Gamzee ever acted his bloodcaste was out on patrol where he had no access to the drugs he coveted. There, he could be the terrifying indigoblood he was meant to be. 

_ The power of blood privilege _ , John supposed. “You know what? You stay here. I’ll go get the brats.” John led Gamzee to sit in the chair, doing his best to not make the troll fall to the side and to the floor. It kind of sucked really, Gamzee was at least 2 heads taller than him excluding the long horns he had. John sighed once Gamzee was finally seated and not drooling on his uniform and papped his moirail’s cheek. “You just stay here alright? Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be back soon as I can.”

John pulled away from Gamzee and made his way to the door. He glanced back at Gamzee who was drooling on himself from his soper high and sighed.  _ Please cull me now.  _ John sighed as he left heading down the long hallway of the Drone’s headquarters. Truth be told, he was only moirails with Makara because of his sire’s legacy. Kurloz Makara was one of the great generals during the Mother Grub war and John wouldn’t be standing here wearing black carapace without him. Sometimes, it paid to know highbloods. 

John waved pleasantly to the trolls he passed, who bowed in respect. John couldn’t help the slight smirk on his face. The respect wa nice, after all he was what one considered a lower highblood. Cerulean was high but not high enough. Gamzee however, he had the world in the palm of his hand just because he had been lucky enough to hatch the way he did. John couldn’t even own a redblooded slave, Gamzee was his key to getting what he wanted.

Refusing to bow to the needs they had, wasting eggs, wasting the minds of young wrigglers. Karkat Vantas… The redblood should have been his sweeps ago, it was meant to be. John knew Karkat was just carrying out some delusional fantasy of being free. John would be the one to put a stop to it and send Karkat to where he belonged, underneath him in a copulation chair.

If only that stupid lusus hadn’t been there --. John still remembered the day he was tossed aside like an old used up toy. His horn had broken and he remembered waking up in a puddle of his own blood. The confusion he felt and the unbridled rage. John couldn’t forgive Karkat for what happened that day and he would make sure the redblood remembered. 

John would be the one to lead the army to the so called infamous orphanage. He refused to have anyone else, even if other redbloods had been offered to him as presents of goodwill. He wanted no other and in time, he would get to call Karkat his own.

The stairway down to the dungeon was long, spiraling downwards. John felt a bit bad for imprisoning wrigglers but under the current circumstance it had to be done. It was hard to track down adults who had grown in that wreck of a home, they refused to speak of it. Children? Easier to manipulate and now they had two of them. John sighed as he pulled a device from his pocket, shining a light down as he took step after step, one hand holding the light, the other braced against the wall to keep his pace steady and balanced. He wondered if perhaps doing the interrogation down in the dungeon would be more appropriate, after all it was dark and gloomy. 

John stopped a moment to rub his eyes, having the slits that dilated hurt after a while. No doubt the wrigglers would have adjusted after months down here but that was just to break them. Make them realize there was no escape and the best bet at freedom would be to cooperate.

John reached the bottom of the staircase and waved to the guard on duty. The brownblood gave a nod to the general and John couldn’t help but smirk a bit. Eventually he would get more than just a respecting nod. Soon they would all be bowing to him for being the one to take down the fortress that somehow remained impenetrable. John looked down at the brownblood who seemed to be eyeing the floor, no doubt nervous to be standing next to him. 

“At ease, you did nothing wrong.” The brownblood didn’t seem to be able too, shaking his head swiftly. John had to step to the side to dodge the long horns on his head. “Woah! Be careful where you aim those things. I know horns can be irreplaceable as a weapon but you have no reason to try and maim me! I’m an officer and I would appreciate it if I could continue living...preferably without a stab wound in my stomach.”

The brownblood looked embarrassed, staring down at the scuffed leather of his boots. “Sorry sir! It’s just not every day the General Egbert shows up and I forgot myself!” 

John merely shrugged. He was used to the reaction, after all not many of his caste made it this high in the army. He was constantly surrounded by indigobloods and violetbloods, all because the Condence saw him fit enough to lead. He was good at it, manipulating those beneath him came with ease now, they folded like dough. Regardless, he had a babbling rookie in front of him. 

“It’s fine. Take me to the prisoners.” The brownblood nodded, pulling the keys from the nail in the wall. John’s eyes were on the brownblood and he could tell the other was nervous, nearly dropping them. He laughed nervously, looking up at John. John merely rolled his eyes and stepped aside and followed the brownblood to the cell. His footsteps echoed in the cold corridor, drops of water dripping from the piles up on the ceiling. John avoided the few puddles on the floor, he didn’t want to have to wash his carapace armor. 

Midway down the guard stopped, looking for the key to that particular cell. John looked inside, looking at the two wrigglers. They were sitting on one of the beds, the olive one’s head laying in the bluebloods lap. It was obviously an act of pity, John wasn’t blind to it. 

The keys clanged against each other, the girl looking up at the two adults on the other side. She tugged on the boy’s shirt and his gaze fell on John. They were still young, their eyes hadn’t even begun to fill. John snorted a bit, this would be a cakewalk.

The brownblood finally managed to open the door, stepping aside and John walked in. He kept his back straight, hands clasped behind his back as he approached.  The kids looked a mess, malnourished and tired. Their left ankles were chained up to the wall, making it so they could walk around the room but not much further. The kids were lucky not to be chained to the wall after what connections they had. 

“A little bird told me that you were found in the forest. My question is why a pair of wrigglers would be out in the middle of nowhere and off the main road? Not to mention dressed like that…” John glanced up and down the kids. They had been malnourished, the empire didn’t feed prisoners well even if they were barely pupated. 

“I told you. We got lost.” The olive stuck her tongue out at John and he raised a brow. 

“Is that so? Because we found hunting gear on you. Not only is hunting in that forest difficult but you’re mere children. I would say you were where you wanted to be.” John circled around before taking the wooden stool in the corner and placing it before the kids. He plopped down, crossing his legs and arms before he continued. “I would say you’re from that orphanage.” The girls eyelid twitched, a clear indication John struck a nerve. “Or am I wrong?”

The girl crossed her arms, looking away. “I’m not talking to you no more.”

“Oh? Then maybe your burly friend here can tell me.” John looked over to the blueblood who kept staring at his feet. “I don’t like to hurt those above me in the spectrum but this is the dungeons,” John leaned forward, “no one will hear you scream.”

The girl looked up at the blueblood who put his hand on her shoulder. “I don’t see why you’ve kept us here. We didn’t do anything wrong.” The boys horn was broken during the time Gamzee caught them originally and was showing signs of healing. “Let us go, we’re just wrigglers.”

“Just wrigglers? You live in that rebels fort that should have been taken down once word came out for it even existing!” John growled, standing up. “In the olden days, you would have been executed moment you were found. After all, a wriggler without a lusus is just easy pickings.” 

“We do to have a lusus!” The blueblood seemed to have grown a spine and John smirked.

“Really now? Then where were they? Kind of hard to miss a giant white animal.” John hummed, watching the kids reaction. It was just as he expected, the two looked a bit peeved they were still in the dungeon. 

“They were obviously helping us hunt. Your guys just attacked without us doing anything but watching.”

“You were hiding from drones, you don't expect us to just sit idly by. Especially not in that forest.” John was having a hard time not yelling at the kids, their lies were so transparent.

“What’s wrong with that forest?” John frowned. Everyone in the bloody kingdom knew about the rumors of the redblood and his fortress of children. Just because not many made it back to tell the tale didn’t mean it to be a false rumor. The kids should have known, it was common knowledge. 

“Oh nothing, just the traitor to the empire living there. You know what good children would do? Tell us where it is and how to get in.”

“What makes you think we would know?”

“You lived there didn’t you?”

“No we didn’t.”

“Yes.”

“No?” John remained calm, even if on the inside he felt like this was going nowhere. It was so obvious the kids lived there. “You’re wearing cloths that no doubt were handed down or made of cheap material. No lusus would allow a blueblood to wear such fabric. The oliveblood maybe but not the boy. You expect me to believe that you, as a blueblood, would be wearing such shoddy hand me down rags? I know retro is in but seriously.” 

The girl crossed her arms, offended. The boy tugged at his shirt, examining the cloths for lack of quality. “Maybe Equius likes to wear raggy clothes when he’s out in the forest.”

“Equius would know better than to allow himself and his moirail to live such a degraded situation.” Equius looked down, letting the fabric fall down against his skin. John knew how much it hurt to have a quadrant insulted, after all he went through hell because of Karkat.

“You think I’m not providing for her?” Equius sounded defensive as he said it. No doubt the low living lifestyle he had grown up in was sinking in and how both of them could have had it so much better in the city than at some rundown orphanage.

“Well, clearly if your main source of food is wildgame as compared to something equal to your caste. A fancy steak perhaps? Or have you acquired a taste for gruel?” John was hoping to get a rise out of the kid, he knew how some people spilled the beans when insulted and angry. He just hoped the kid was too young to incite a blood rage. "My moirail is an indigo and he makes sure that I only ever have the best food to eat and clothes to wear. It's only proper, after all that the higherblood takes care of the lesser. You’re clearly not capable to do that. But what could I possibly expect from someone who grew up being raised by a breeder?” 

It seemed to be sinking in, Equius glancing around as if thinking. A moirallegiance went both ways. The lower kept the higher calm and the higher provided for the lower. It worked that way in flush as well, Karkat would have had a good life with him.

The girl slammed her palms on the edge of the bed, gripping it’s edges. “You can’t say that ‘bout Equius! He’s a good moirail and we’re happy with what we got!”

“Oh? Are you sure? Mean you could have so much more, all you have to do is tell me about that orphanage...Uhm…” He had no idea what the girl’s name was.

“Nepeta. And your dumb words don’t mean nothing to Equius! Right?” She looked at Equius who nodded rapidly in agreement.

“Right!” 

John frowned, he felt like he had been getting somewhere with these kids. Not only were they loyal to each other but they were loyal to Karkat. John just had to find the weakness to that and use it. John pondered if it would be easier to convince the blueblood to give up his loyalty to the mutant, or the girl to her moirail. He would have to think about it, see how the children responded. 

"How could you possibly be happy if you don't know what you don't have. For example, you think you're unhappy now but I can make things worse if you keep refusing to cooperate. You know what a dungeon is right? It’s more than just holding cells.” John of course was insinuating a more brutal interrogation than just asking questions. 

“Well, whatever is here you won’t be getting a word out of us!” Nepeta crossed her arms and nodded, convinced by her statement. John smirked, putting his hand under her chin and forcing her to look up at him. 

“Don’t be so sure about that lowblood.” John felt a hand on his arm and looked over, Equius was holding onto it, looking at him in anger. 

“Don’t touch my moirail.” John looked at the determined blueblood and pulled his hand away. He was right then, the kids were loyal. He just had to find out which was stronger; the loyalty to Karkat, or to each other. 

John knew just what to do. He glanced at the brownblood guard and nodded as he stood up from the stool, brushing off any dust that might have settled on his legs. 

“I see. Well then, I hope you enjoy your extended stay...in the  _ dungeon _ .” John walked out the of cell, hearing the click of a lock behind him and the brownblood followed after him.

“Uhm..sir. Your interrogation didn’t seem very...interrogatingy.” The brownblood near ran into John when he stopped to look back at the guard who looked like he had just stepped on a kitten in the dark and was trying to convey his apologies. 

“Give it time, I’ll wear them down sooner or later. I just planted the seeds of doubt in them. The boy Equius no doubt is wondering if keeping silent is worth his moirail’s happiness. I don’t plan to keep them sitting in there for long.” He kept walking even as they reached the end of the dungeon, the brownblood standing near his station and watching John proceed down the hallway. John had dealt with the kids for now, now he had to deal with Gamzee.

 

***

Gamzee had fallen asleep during John’s visit to the dungeons, no doubt sleeping off his high. John shook his head and moved Gamzee’s cape to cover him, keep the heat from escaping. John sighed and shook his head at the idiot he was forced to call his moirail. The indigo really had saved him from going mad after what happened. Helped him sort his life out and continue to be determined to get what he wanted. He kissed Gamzee’s forehead, walking across the room and to the table with papers strewn across it. He had to make a plan on how to get the kids to talk, after all, kids were easily manipulated.

John heard Gamzee mumble in his sleep and looked over at the troll, he was so harmless when asleep. Both to people’s limbs and horns and to John’s sanity. John wondered if he could use Gamzee to interrogate, after all that was the initial plan, have Gamzee scare the kids into giving up the information they seeked. That could still be the plan, after all Gamzee was the one to break Equius’s horn. They were probably scared of him still and that would make it all the easier for John.

John worked long into the day, doing paperwork, sketching and taking notes on what he had learned from the wrigglers. Nothing really but his plans were at least coming along. The day passed by while John worked and finally glanced at the clock and out the window. The sun was setting and he hadn’t slept yet. Oh well, sleep was for the dead. John looked over at Gamzee and put down his pen, stretching a bit before sliding out of his chair. He He moved the papers aside and walked to Gamzee, examining the troll.

He looked harmless like this, his face calm and not a shred of sadistic glee on him. John smirked, crouching down next to Gamzee and shook his shoulder. “Gamzee, wake up. Your hair's on fire.”

Gamzee shrieked, waking up and tossed John to the side as he tried to put out an invisible fire. John watched Gamzee fall off the chair to the floor, flailing his arms and legs. It was near comical watching Gamzee act like a clown and not the dignified general he was. “What...where am I?”

“Good night to you too.” John held his arm out to Gamzee who grasped it, pulling himself up on his feet. John took a few steps back, letting the tall troll brush himself off. 

“I hate when you do that. Can’t you be more gentle with your wakeup calls?”

“I tried that before, remember? It didn’t work.” John leaned against the couch Gamzee had been resting on, watching the subjugglator stretch and wake. It took a few minutes but Gamzee seemed to be coming back to his senses.

“You have a point.” Gamzee rubbed his neck, looking at John who just looked tired. “You okay there?”

“I’m fine. I just have to exist next to you.” John knew Gamzee would see that as a joke and he was right. He got slapped on the back as the giant troll made him lose his balance and made his glasses fall off. He barely was able to catch them before they shattered on the floor. He grumbled under his breath, using his cape to wipe off the fingerprints off the lens. “Seriously Gamzee, I wish you would think before you act. The reason that kids horn broke is ‘cause of you. I know scouting for kids that are potentially from that abomination of a home is an important mission. We kind of need them alive to gain any sort of intel. You’re lucky that horn was the only thing that broke. We’re not supposed to kill, even possible allies to that...that…”

“Your flush crush?” John froze, narrowing his eyes as he plopped the silver frame down on his nose.

“Don’t call him that. Just because there used to be that sort of affection when we were children doesn’t mean it’s there anymore.” John looked at Gamzee cooly, not letting any trace of emotion show on his face. He was still bitter and getting Karkat where he belonged as a redblood was all that mattered.

“John.”

“What?”

“I can tell when you’re bullshitting.” John sighed, rubbing his forehead.

“Gamzee. Just because we are diamonds does not mean you are privy to the rest of my love life. Just because I couldn’t have  _ that _ redblood doesn’t mean I haven’t taken others. I at least know when to put my job before the contents of my pants. Now then, if we can please move on to doing our jobs?”

Gamzee shrugged. “Fair enough. Now then, what is our job?”

“The interrogation?” John put his hand on his hip, motioning to the door with his other hand.

“OH right. Those kids. You sure they’re even from there? What if they’re from the city and lost?”  
“Gamzee. Have you seen what they are wearing? No blueblood would ever dress like that unless he’s either a war prisoner or a slave. Now that kid hasn’t even had his first molt so I’m pretty damn sure he’s not either of those. Plus I had a quick chat with both of them earlier. It’s pretty fucking confirmed they’re from Vantas’s horror house.”

“I thought it was an orphanage?”

“If you can call that an orphanage, then I piss fucking rainbows.”

“Well, it’s appropriate. Mean, those kids don’t have no real lusus.”  
“Exactly. We’re not only making Karkat take his place in society, we’re fucking rescuing those kids from whatever the fuck he’s doing to them. Plus not to mention another redblood went missing. Trolls around that time who tried to take the fortress out during Vantas’s heat a sweep ago saw a kid with a crow lusus. You know what that missing redbloods lusus was? A damned crow. I’m pretty fucking sure you can make a connection there even with your miniature fucking thinkpan.” John was pacing as he walked, throwing his arms up and doing gestures as he spoke. Gamzee’s head followed the ceruleanblood. 

“So you’re saying that the lusus ditched the redblood and went to the orphanage?” 

John felt his left eyelid twitch. “I swear you’re as dumb as a fucking apebeast.”

“Hey now, that’s not a nice thing to say little dude.”

“I told you how I feel about you calling me that. Just because my horns aren’t as long as my torso does not mean I’m any less of a troll.” John had no idea how he put up with Gamzee, it was more so a relationship based around job security than anything. 

“Heh...Sorry.” Gamzee grinned, his teeth poking over his over-chewed lips. John sighed, noting the drop of blood on them. Gamzee really needed to take better care of himself. Not only with his unbrushed mangy mane but with his drug addiction.

“Let’s just go alright? I’ll tell you how we’re going to get the information from those kids on the way to dinner. Yes, you’re paying. You put me through hell enough.”

“That’s fair.” Gamzee followed John out the room in the direction of the dungeons. John really was all work and no play, refusing to take a single break. 

“ Look. I figured we play a game of good drone; bad drone with them. We need to get them to give up the information willingly….without killing them.”

“I see your point John but neither of us is a good drone. You don’t get to be a general by being good.” 

John stopped in his tracks, turning his head to look at Gamzee. The other was right, any shred of good John had left was buried under a thick layer of anger and resentment. “Fine. A game of bad cop; sadistic cop. You’re more creative when it comes to extracting data so you do that. We’ll figure it out as we go okay?”

Gamzee nodded in agreement, giving a thumbs up to John. “No problem little guy.” John merely shook his head in defeat and kept walking towards the dungeon. Gamzee would never remember to not call his stature small, even if John was average sized for a ceruleanblood. Gamzee smirked, jagged teeth poking out over his lip as he turned on his light device so the two trolls could see the steps. They made the rest of the way down in silence, formulating ideas on how to approach the interrogation of the kids. Playing mind games wasn’t working, they would require a more physical approach. 

Another guard was on duty; this time a jadeblood and both adult trolls made it into the cell containing the children. They looked a bit down, no doubt from the lacking meal. Knowing it was a painful sound, John scraped his claws down the grey bricks, dulling the tips as the kids flinched from the sound. 

“Good, I have your attention now.” John held his cuticles up, examining his yellow nails as he stepped further into the rectangle room. The kids were looking at him in fear but even more so at Gamzee, no doubt memories of the attack the general had executed on them still vivid in their minds. 

Equius was shielding Nepeta with his body, one hand held in a fist against his chest while the other was spread to keep Nepeta supposedly safe. John smirked a bit, it was kind of cute. The innocence of their  moirallegiance  couldn’t last long. Nepeta sent a frightened look at Gamzee, looking past John as if he wasn’t the one to call them to attention.  _ Rude.  _ John cleared his throat, the kids looking over to him. 

“Right then, since you two are unwilling to cooperate with giving us any shred of truthfulness regarding your relationship with the Vantas Orphanage, we’ve decided to play a game. Wrigglers like games, right Gamzee?” He looked over at Gamzee who was flipping through the keyring to find the key to the interrogation chamber.   
“Right and you little tykes are going to enjoy it. Well...No. That’s a lie. I’m going to enjoy it, John probably won’t, though. He’s kind of squeamish around blood.” Gamzee never seemed to think before he said anything and John sighed, rubbing his temple.

“I can handle blood, long as it’s not mine.” John still remembered waking up in it, something that still freaked him out to this day. It was kind of pathetic really, he was a general and he had shed tons of blood. Obviously not to the death but just because killing was frowned upon now, didn’t mean torture was.

“Whatever you say.” Gamzee paused, dangling the keys as he finally found the one he was looking for. It was a copper key with a black engraving on the side, the top the remnants of a skull. John thought it was cheesy looking but it made finding the key between 50 or so odd keyrings so much easier. “Found it.”

Gamzee approached the chain the kids were shackled to and undid the binds, letting them clang to the ground. John watched as Gamzee bent down and picked the ends up, looking at the kids. 

“Now don’t you go struggling to get away now, you hear?” John stood to the side as Gamzee led the way out, followed by the kids. John was at the back, watching the children march slowly to unknown corridors. Not that it was too far away, it was hardly a 2 minute walk.

Gamzee stopped in front of an iron door, using the skull-shaped key on the lock. The inside smelled of blood and rot, decades of it on the walls and floor. There sat a table with clasps in the middle of the barren room. Normally it would only be used in hospitals for surgery, a thing that was rarely performed, as well as a table with all kinds of medical devices next to it. Chairs lined the walls, some more formidable than others. One was clearly an electrocution chair, while another had metal clasps near the head to force the troll sitting in it to stare with their eyelids peeled back at whatever was being shown. There were all kinds of horn drills as well, one of the most sturdy yet vulnerable parts of a troll. Losing a horn was the equivalent of breaking an arm in pain and it took even longer to grow back. 

When the children’s eyes adjusted to the dark room they tried to halt the path towards the surgical table. It was no use however, Gamzee didn’t even struggle as he tugged them forward. John walked to the side of the room, getting a simple chair with just clasps and no torture device attached. He wheeled it over to the center of the room, taking the chain Equius was attached to and yanking hard. The blueblood came stumbling towards him and the girl shrieked, starting to panic. Gamzee growled, grabbing her by the shoulders to force her down on the table. John rushed forward and grabbed Equius’s chain before he could struggle away, doing his best to keep the highblooded child still, easier said than done. Even if he was a kid, Equius was making quite a show of brute strength. John could barely hold on.

Nepeta tried to bite him, kicking and flailing to try and get free. Gamzee put his elbow on her stomach to keep her still as he forced Nepeta into the binds. Despite this, she still tried to break free, yanking the brown leather every which way she could manage. She didn’t have much room to move, her arms and feet were bound down. Gamzee took the last strap and secured it around Nepeta’s waist, limiting her mobility even more. She looked like she was about to cry, moving her head to the side to look at Equius.

The highblood had been struggling against John the entire time. Gamzee chuckled as he looked at John who was now holding Equius flat on the ground, panting hard. “You need to work out more John, almost losing to a kid.”

“Shut the fuck up and restrain him. My weight can only do so much.” John growled, twisting Equius’s arm back a bit as he continued to straddle the kids waist. It didn’t take long for Gamzee to come back with a chair and made quick work of binding Equius to the chair. It would have been simpler if they had two tables but not much could be done about that, the adults had to work with what they got. 

Once the kids settled down after their futile attempts at escape were exhausted and John pulled a normal set of chairs out from against the wall, sitting down in one of them while Gamzee ignored his and was looking through the supplies on the medical tray. John looked over at Equius, watching the highblood try to find any slack in the clasps that kept him down. There weren't any, not even someone with the strength this kid had displayed could break free. 

“Found it.” Gamzee held up what looked to be a pair of scissors with a crocodile shaped blade. The blade was far too thick for cutting and instead looked like it would crush anything caught between it. Gamzee snipped it a few times in the air to test it out before moving over to Nepeta and taking off one of her shoes. The girls wide grey eyes stared at her bare grey foot as Gamzee hovered over it. 

“Right, so this little thing? Crushes your bones and shit. So for every five minutes you don’t give us anything useful, we break a toe. Let me demonstrate.” Gamzee held Nepeta’s foot, stretching out her pinky toe so it was separate from the rest of her foot, positioned it between the blades and shut them around her skin. The scream Nepeta gave echoed through the room and no doubt could be heard by the inmates outside. Gamzee pulled away from her toe, a bored expression on his face. John was able to see the damage on the girl from where he sat, as well as hear the choked sobbing. Her toe sat at an odd angle, bruised olive near the joint. 

Equius who was sitting next to John saw it as well, lurching in his chair, trying to get to his moirail. No doubt it was hard for him to see, doing all he could to protect his diamond. John just scoffed, knowing that this was going to put their quadrant to a test. Their pitied feelings would be put to the test, as well as their loyalty to Karkat. John couldn’t wait to see how it panned out. 

“What’ll happen once you run out of toes?” Equius barely choked it out, the shaking visible. It was almost like he was the one who had his toe crushed, not Nepeta. He supposed the pain was real, it hurt to see a quadrant hurting and scared.

Gamzee simply leaned towards Nepeta and held her hand up. “Then I’ll move onto fingers. So you better give up what you know boy, before your precious moirail ends up a cripple.” John crossed his arms, continuing to watch. Moirails, in his opinion, was a quadrant of convenience. John didn’t need the calming touch of Gamzee, he could handle his rage on his own. He had before he met the indigoblood and he would after the relationship came to a close. John knew he had to keep it up however, two generals being moirails? It looked good in the official documents. Friends with the Makara yes. Real moirails? Never.

Another scream broke through John’s thoughts, another toe broken. Nepeta was crying at this point, her mutilated toes sticking up in odd angles. Equius was grinding his teeth, clawing at the wooden surface of the armrests his wrists were bound to. John got comfortable, crossing his legs and rested his palm on his cheek. 

“You know, you could end this. Two toes is nothing and will heal in weeks. But the longer you keep silent, the worse it’s going to get.” Equius shot an angry glare at John, panting as sweat rolled down his forehead. “It’s true though, you might have committed the crime of being raised by another troll but you’re still a highblood. You can end this.”

“Never! Both my moirail and I are made of much stronger stuff and we’ll never sell out our family to the likes of you!” Equius spat at John, the light blue fluid hitting John in the shoulder. He looked down at it and wiped it off the carapace, looking at Gamzee. The troll grinned, knowing the approving look of his moirail and broke the rest of the toes on that foot as punishment for Equius’s insubordination. Nepeta screamed, arching her back hard enough that there was a crack, a torrent of green tinted salt water going down her face. 

“Equius...don’t tell em anything...ah...No matter how much I scream, no matter how much you scream. We can’t let ‘em know.” Gamzee growled, yanking her hair and forced her to move her chin up to stare up. The troll ran a sharp claw against her throat.

“You may be defiant now but your toes are just a start. We will have you sing little birdies, not much you can do about it. And if you’re willing to be so self sacrificing, think again. I’m not the only sadistic one here. John has given me the right to hurt you both, long as you two keep quiet. Seriously, it’s a predictable fight that you can’t win. So give up, heal your foot and let the adults take care of the mutant rebel okay?”

“Go to hell.” Nepeta lurched again, trying to bite Gamzee’ fingers to no avail. Gamzee laughed, as if he had just been attacked by a pet cat. Nepeta was harmless to him and he looked back at John.

“This is fun, we should torture prisoners more often.”

“Why? That sounds like work. We’re only doing this for the good of the empire; to finally shut down that orphanage.” Gamzee sighed, rolling his eyes as he put the crocodile shears away. He looked through the array of torture devices he had and grinned as his eyes landed on a vial of acid, picking it up and walked over to Nepeta. He pulled the girl's shirt up to her neck, exposing her belly and childish chest. Gamzee ran a hand down the girls middle, trying to find a vulnerable spot. He did, shaking the contents of the liquid before tipping it over and letting a few droplets hit soft grey flesh. The results showed themselves a few seconds later as the flesh underneath the acid started to darken and boil, causing the girl to scream as pain filled the new wound. Gamzee wiped the liquid away with a washcloth, spreading a thin layer over her skin, making it tingle unpleasantly as the sore became more evident. It was pussing, green blood oozing out. No doubt it hurt, Nepeta was letting out choked sobs. 

John turned his head away. Not because he couldn’t look but the smell of blood was getting to him; not that he would let the kids know. He glanced over to Equius, who was still trying to get out of his confines. 

“You know, this wouldn’t have happened if either of you gave us what we wanted. You can make it stop you know. All you have to do is give up some information.” Equius just gave him a silent glare, his lips a thin black line as orange welled up on the edge of them. John raised a brow, looking over at Gamzee.

“Hey Gamzee, the kid looks like he’s gonna go into a bloodrage, mind cooling him off?” Gamzee stopped adding acid to Nepeta’s skin, wiping the last sore off before looking at the kid. The guy already had a vulnerability with his broken horn and Gamzee was going to take advantage of that. He took one of the thinner horn drills and walked over to Equius. He grabbed the kid by the broken horn, a gasp of pain filling the room as he turned the drill on and pressed it against the exposed flesh of the inner horn. Equius screamed as Gamzee drilled down, blood and bone spurting everywhere. After ten seconds and the blueblood crying, Gamzee pulled away.   
“We never said she'd be the only one suffering physically boy.” Gamzee hummed, tapping the button of the drill. “We don’t need no bloodrage here so we gots to keep you cool and if that means hurting you, well. We won’t hesitate.” Equius let out a sob, his bloodrage halted in the midst of pain. When nothing was offered Gamzee returned to torturing the little girl. Equius could only watch in pain as tears stung his eyes. John felt kinda bad but these were the consequence of being silent.

Gamzee went and got a scalpel, twirling it between his fingers before going up to Nepeta. “I love the face you make when you’re about to cry. So helpless and frail. I suppose that’s what midbloods like you are, frail as a blade of grass. I could just squeeze down gently on your arm and break your bone. Oh here’s one...we unbind your moirail and make him do the torture to you. Then you’re both suffering. You from pain and him from the guilt of knowing he’s the one hurting you. That sounds like fun…” Gamzee cackled with glee, looking back at Equius. The kid wasn’t even looking, just staring at his lap soullessly. John poked the kid’s cheek, hoping for a reaction. Nothing.

“I think we broke one.” John poked his cheek harder this time, bit his bottom lip with his oversized buck teeth and pressed his thumb down where Equius was still hurt from the drill to his horn. That got a reaction, a scream of pain. John pulled his hand away, Equius staring at him with tears threatening to fall. 

“Why? We’re just kids.”

“True but this is Alternia. It used to be so much worse. We could have killed you moment you refused to divulge anything about Vantas. This torture is a mercy.”

“True mercy would be to let us go and live our lives. You should let Karkat do the same too.” Equius gulped, uncertainty on his face. 

“We would, if he wasn’t trying to break what the Condence worked so hard to rebuild. The trolls aren’t the only ones dying. Lusus too. Why do you think there’s so many grubs in group homes now? There’s not enough lusus for everyone. It’s why kids like you get stolen and taken to that place. You’re a blueblood, you should have been enjoying the riches of your caste instead of struggling to survive. What is happening right now to Nepeta, it’s his fault. Don’t you want to go live the life you deserve? Don’t you want this pain for you both to end? Think about it. Tell us how to get to Karkat and give us a way to make things right.”

“But Karkat doesn’t want to be a breeder. Why can’t you just leave him alone? There’s so many other redbloods --.”

John scoffed, hands ending up on Equius’s forearms. 

“Even one redblood refusing to take his destiny by the horns is an affront to our social order. Are you saying you’ve gone through so much brainwashing that you endorse that?”

“I-” Equius looked lost, the pain getting to him, the knowledge that his life could be different.

“Tell us and we’ll let you out of the dungeon, let both your wounds heal. Let you live a proper life. Or we can keep doing this till you break. There’s no shortage of things we can do to make you talk and you will talk, eventually. Just a matter of time.”

Equius looked up at John and sighed. “Even if I say no you’re not going to stop. You’ll keep torturing us until we break and it’s pointless isn’t it? I’ll talk, if for the sake of Nepeta.”

John grinned. Manipulating these grubs was just as easy as he thought it would be. The threat of pain always worked, not to mention making the kids think this entire situation was Karkat’s fault, not Gamzee’s or his. 

“Now we’re talking. Let’s get started then.” Gamzee agreed, looking at the mess of wrigglers. His eyes fell on John.

“We done then?” John nodded, standing up.

“Yeah, let’s get these wrigglers out of here, it smells like acid and dead people.”  Gamzee looked at the oliveblood then to the blueblood before his eyes rested at last on John.

“Uhm. Brother you better get over here and help stop this bleeding. I know how to start the flow, not how to finish it.” John gave Gamzee a blank look.

“I have no idea how to either.” Gamzee laughed nervously and walked over to John. 

“We best get a mediculler to tend to their wounds then.”

“Yeah, let’s just leave them here for now.” John followed Gamzee out the room, a bit tired. The adrenaline rush from seeing all the blood and pain was starting to wear off and John felt tired. But at least they had finally gotten what they wanted and the rest would come in due time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard to write. I wanted to stop writing gore and each time it's like "Not enough things have happened. Need more" Next thing I know...8k words. -sigh- But yeah, yay. Chapter 15 done. Next chapter has fluff after all this damned angst in this chapter.  
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	16. Angst at the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grub sitting was supposed to be easy. Dave finds himself watching one and realizes: That is a fucking lie.

Part 2: Start

Dave had never expected more instincts to kick in after his initial heat. He thought the desire to reproduce would be the end of it. He figured that the only time he would feel the need to rub against something and be a hormonal mess would be isolated to his heat only. He didn’t expect to be slightly horny all the time afterward.

Asking Karkat about it didn’t really help as he just gave a sympathetic nod. As it turned out, horny was the default for a redblood once they’d had a heat. The only remedy? He knew the answer to that. Wrigglers.It seemed taking care of them was the only way to dampen the instincts that would only grow worse with time. This would have been fine and dandy if Dave had more than a bite-sized snack worth of experience with wrigglers.

Thus, Dave stared at the grub in front of him. as All he could do was grumble under his breath. Karkat had thought after over a sweep of him living here he would know how to take care of those younger than him. Yeah, _after_ they pupated. When they were still squishy little fuzz bugs? No. Grubs and wrigglers were not the same thing and they never would be. This was a bad idea. Not to mention the fact that this grub had arrived in the arms of a jadeblood days prior.

Now that Dave actually thought about it, this was the first time he had seen a new grub arrive. Previously it was all wrigglers or eggs who arrived on the backs of merchant carts trying to get away from an abusive group home. It was why a good majority of trolls within the orphanage were lowbloods; there weren’t enough lusii around anymore. Dave was lucky that he'd had one in general, as they tended to be saved for those of high birth.

The grub chirped at him, rolling around in the box of blankets and getting its nubby black legs stuck in the folds. It was kind of cute and Dave found himself reaching for the kid. He held the cerulean grub in front of him, trying to figure out if it was a girl or boy. It didn’t seem to care however, as it puked a yellow banana smelling bile onto Dave’s shirt. Its tiny slitted nose twitched as bubbles formed near its mouth, big eyes going cross-eyed as the bubbles got bigger before popping. It laughed once the bubbles popped, swaying its thorax back and forth from where Dave held it.

This thing was supposed to be cute. It was supposed to be easy. It was not supposed to throw up on his favorite white and red sweater. It was one of the few things he had brought with him from his old home that still fit. Crowbro had been the one to take care of it, make sure it didn’t rip for his wriggler. Dave’s expression softened after thinking about his lusus. He put the wriggler down on his lap, petting its stomach gently.

“It’s fine. It’s just puke, it’ll come off. Not your fault your stomach can’t handle fruits yet,” he sighed, looking around the room for some kind of towel to wash the puke off both the kid’s face and his body. There wasn’t but there was a faucet with a deep sink. Dumping the grub in a pool of water was on the list of things _not_ to do, yet he was tempted anyway. He maneuvered his way to the sink, grub in arm, doing his best to keep his face calm as he set the baby troll into the basin gently and grabbed a sponge. Slowly, with his arms shaking and his teeth bared, he washed the grub up. It wailed in protest, little arms and legs flailing as it tried to move the sponge away from its tiny grey face and bright blue body. Clearly the feeling of the sponge was less pleasant than the feeling of vomit and Dave grumbled as he pinned the arms down with his forearm and hand and cleaned it with the other. The grub squirmed back and forth, trying to regain dominance in the situation, to no avail. In the end Dave got the grub clean, if cranky. A win was a win and he sighed as he picked the kid up in his arms and held it on his shoulder, though this meant he got drooled on again. He let out a groan of defeat, accepting this fate until he heard a chewing noise nearby and glanced over. The kid was gnawing on his shirt.  
“No.” He pulled the grub away, or at least tried to. Sharp tiny teeth clung to the shirt and wouldn’t let go no matter how hard Dave tried. With one final tug, the grub was pulled to an arms length away from him, along with half his sweater that now hung over his horns. At least it didn’t rip. Dave muttered some angry curse words under his breath as he put the grub down in the box to readjust his sweater. When he looked back however, the grub was gone. Dave’s eyes went wide, rushing to look at the contents of the box. Nothing, just the lone pale yellow blanket it had been laying on. No grub in sight. This was bound to cause trouble. Not only was he failing at taking care of a grub, he had lost it too. Karkat was going to _murder_ him.

Dave let out a distressed whine, tugging at his hair as he went over the options.

“Okay. It’s not as bad as it seems. The grub can’t have gotten too far. I mean it has tiny little legs and it can’t move too fast. I don’t think. How fast do grubs move? Holy fuck I’m dead.” He let out a nervous chuckle, walking in circles as he looked over discarded toys and blankets, praying the grub was just hiding underneath one of them. No such luck, it was like the damn thing was just vaporized. Dave’s eyes darted around the room, just hoping that his peeping spheres would land on the grub.

“Karkat is going to kill me. He takes care of an entire fucking fortress of kids and I fuck up with just _one._ How am I even going to explain this?” He was pacing around the room, looking under everything he could, inside things, everywhere he could think of. The grub couldn’t disappear like that. Grubs did not have magical powers that sent them to other dimensions, either. It had to be somewhere in the room, if not outside it. Bright red eyes turned towards the door. It was partially open. Of course it was, it could be the only logical explanation for where the grub had gone off to. Dave tapped his foot on the hard stone floor a few times before deciding it could be the only explanation.

He barged to the door, opened it enough to slip out and shut it behind him. If the kid was still in there it had to show up sooner or later. This meant he had a time limit to find the little cerulean fuzzball before it’s next feeding. He had about three hours to scope out the entire orphanage. _Lovely._ Without Karkat catching on. _Even more lovely._ This was the end of the line for him if he didn’t get his shit together. Karkat would throw him out and tell him to fuck off to who knows where if he couldn’t accomplish looking after _one measly grub._

Dave’s eyes skimmed the stone corridor, hoping to catch sight of some grub fuzz at least only to find nothing, not even other wrigglers. He growled under his breath, striding through the hallway like his future depended on it. It sort of did. He needed to get a grip on watching kids if he wanted any chance of controlling his instincts, of doing what only Karkat had accomplished. He may not have been the first but second was pretty fucking up there. He was _not_ going to mess this up.

“Damnit…” He muttered to himself as he peeked into the side rooms. It wasn’t in the cocoon room, it had been locked. They checked up on the room once a day anyways, to see if any of the balls of yellowish silk had cracked. The four cocoons inside were just as idle as ever. He sighed, shaking his head as he shut the door and kept looking. The little grub was nowhere to be found and he panicked, biting his claws. Something so small should not have the fucking ability to make trolls panic and pray to the gods that their replacement lusus wouldn’t find out. Dave was praying pretty hard as he rounded a corner, looking for some hint of tiny claws skittering past.

Nothing. Just more stone walls and floors. He looked back a second before deciding to put the skills he had been learning for the past sweep to use. He took a step back, preparing his body for the burst of energy and took off, clouds of dust left behind him. Even as he became leaner with muscle definition from all the training Karkat subjected him to, Dave never lost his need for speed. Feet barely grazed the ground before being up in the air again as Dave ran as fast as he could past wrigglers, eyes darting every which way for the grub.

Just fucking perfect. The grub was nowhere to be found and there was no way it had outrun Dave. He stopped mere inches from the main corridor. Karkat. Bright red eyes went wide as it met the gaze of the elder. He was dead, or at least he assumed he would be soon. Karkat handed off the parcel he was holding to the wriggler in front of him, made a hand motion and walked over to Dave whose legs had turned to stone. He wanted to hide, Karkat had been the one to assign him this grub and was probably coming over to kill him. It had to be obvious on Dave’s face that he had failed and lost the grub. For all he knew the kid was a pile of grub goop currently and he would soon join the little fluffball at the corpse party.

“Hey Dave!” Karkat had walked up to him faster than expected and Dave gulped, doing his best to not seem like he had been rushing through the halls. He did his best to stop panting, smiling awkwardly and showing off his fangs as his body went rigid as a rock.

“Hi, Karkat.”

Karkat crossed his arms. This was it, he was going to end Dave either by chewing him out or taking those sharp sickles he liked so much and teaching Dave just how sharp they were. Dave felt like his bloodpusher would explode with how smug Karkat looked. He knew the teens sins and would punish him for it.

“Need help? You could have called through the system instead of looking for me It’s there for a reason. You have no idea how hard it was setting up the internet in this castle but I did it and I expect people to use it. Now then. Let’s get back to the grub room. You didn’t leave the girl alone did you?”  
“It’s a girl?” Dave had no way of knowing but Karkat had sweeps of experience raising and pupating grubs. It was pretty admirable really. Taking the place of a lusus when these kids would have just been raised in even poorer conditions.

“Yeah. I checked before handing her off to you from the grubcare rooms. Usually take care of them all at once with a few helpers but you’re still new to this and didn’t want to traumatize you just yet. Kids are hard.”

“How do you manage? I thought redbloods were supposed to have instincts towards these sort of things. Yeah my hormones were under control when I was with her but I was mostly panicking and trying not to shit myself.”

“That’s the thing. People assume redbloods have grubcare down regardless if they have ever held one or not. Just like they assume jadebloods are meant to take care of eggs and newborn grubs. They’re not. No one is born knowing how to do anything.”

“You sure about that? Cause society sure seems to think redbloods are born knowing how to spread their legs.” He heard Karkat’s footsteps stop and he looked back at the troll. Karkat looked angry and wouldn’t meet Dave’s gaze.

“They’re not wrong about it. You know the stories about me right? How I fought off my first heat and ran off and started a wriggler army? That first fight...it was the hardest thing I ever did. Because just like you feel something for me, I felt something like that for...Well. The important thing is I didn’t fall for my instincts and neither have you.”  
Dave was the one to stare this time, making out Karkat’s words, letting them sink in.

“You almost spread your legs didn’t you?”

Karkat groaned and rubbed the back of his neck. Dave smirked, leaning closer to Karkat.

“Who was it? Who made your little baby wriggler heart skip a beat? Was it that John guy in those photos?”

Karkat’s cheeks flushed, starting to walk again.

“That was in my past and I would advise you not to bring it up again.”

Dave raised an eyebrow but dropped the subject, continuing to follow Karkat’s pace to the room he left the grub in. He should probably bring up the subject now. Yet, he had a feeling Karkat wasn’t done speaking.

“I don’t ask about your past, yet you keep trying to dig into mine. I get you feel this would result in some sort of bonding over our similar situations that we were born into. Look, you’re a kid still. I don’t want to talk about what happened to me as a wriggler to you.” Karkat huffed, shaking his head. “Sorry, just I do have my limits. You and the others may see me as some sort of great savior just cause I’m an adult and seem to know more. I just know to survive and provide. Now come on, I have to go teach you some grubwatching skills. Where is the little gal anyways?”

Dave grimaced, looking at Karkat.

“Oh, she’s asleep in the room and I decided to take a stroll.”

Karkat stopped walking, turning his head to look at Dave. A thick black brow raised all while Dave tried not to make the smile he plastered on his face anymore obvious that he was lying. The look on Karkat’s face just expelled arrows of doubt that attacked the poorly fortified expression. The staredown seemed to tick by agonizingly slow, much like the last few minutes of schoolfeed. Karkat was the first to blink. He sighed and turned away, taking a few steps forward to express that they should get going.

“Dave. Here’s a word of advice. Never leave a grub alone in a room. Even if they are sleeping. You will come back and something will be on fire. I don’t know how nor do I care but grubs are a magnet for trouble. I’ve learned how to spot when one is up to something that will end badly and put a stop to it. You’re still new to it. Reason for one grub alone.”

Dave followed in silence, mulling over what he would say once they reached the room and the grub wasn’t there. He imagined being yelled at, Karkat ready to rip him a new one. The mental image was downright painful and made forcing his legs forward even more strenuous. Once Karkat would see the empty room he had been provided with no grub inside, he was dead. He was as good as one of the challengers outside left bloody and broken with no time or place to hide from the sunrise.

As they proceeded down the hall where the grub was supposed to be. Dave started seeing his life pass before his eyes. Visions of Crowbro, playing in the yard with the other redblooded grubs. The day he finally learned what the color of his blood meant, the subsequent breakdown. All of it, because Karkat was going to kill him for losing a little cerulean baby girl.

Karkat’s hand rested on the door handle and Dave could feel the sweat running down his forehead. The handle turned and the door inched open. From inside he could see nothing, trying to peer in. Dave stood on his toes, leaning to attempt a better view. Karkat paused and Dave stood back up, pretending he was not acting suspicious at all. Karkat just watched him a few seconds, thinking something over. Dave imagined it was probably some sick idea to torture him. A bead of sweat dripped down his nose, landing on his bottom lip. He licked it off, shrugging as Karkat send him a scrupulous look. The handle was gripped tighter, as the door opened the rest of the way. This was the end of Dave as he followed Karkat into the room. He found his claws between his lips, chewing on the sharp tips. He heard a squeak from the left and his eyes turned towards the sound.

The cerulean blood came crawling out from under a fluffy yellow towel and yawned, rubbing its face with its tiny budding legs. Karkat went over and picked the grub up, tickling the baby's belly with his index claw. Dave just stood there in shock, unable to move. His vision was getting blurry and Karkat was turning into two and then not. Dave’s knees felt weak and he braced himself against the wall before he could crumple.

His eyes raised up to see Karkat put the grub on his head where it near attached itself to his horns. Dave let out a weak scoff, something about a grub hat seemed adorable. Bad for one’s health incase the grub decided to perform a bodily function but cute regardless.

With how dizzy Dave felt from the entire episode of looking for a grub who hadn’t really disappeared he was starting to form a headache. He rubbed the space between his eyebrows, trying to relieve the tension.It felt like someone had beat him with a baseball bat. His horns clinked with the brick wall and he pulled away, muttering a quick “ow” before his eyes fell back on Karkat. The other seemed to be handling the grub just fine and he felt jealous. He wanted to be as good as Karkat yet here he was, falling short.

"You seem to have everything covered Karkat. I’m just going to go to my room. Head kind of hurts.” Karkat looked over and nodded, dismissing Dave from the vortex of chaos that seemed to emanate from the grub. Dave made it to his room and instead of just collapsing on his bed, he felt a shower would do more good. The troll sighed, turning on his shower and disrobing.

He had done his best and failed. In fact, it felt like lately everything he had done ended with him failing. He had failed to protect Crowbro, he had failed to resist his heat and now, he had failed to show Karkat he was good for at least _something._ Dave sniffled, knowing he still had yet to prove himself to Karkat. To show that he wasn’t just like any other redblood and that he was just as strong as the original redblood who had fought and won against his destiny. Once he calmed down, he would talk to Karkat.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was needed after that last one...Also for some reason I keep writing these in threes so...Chapter 17 and 18 just need to be checked by my betas. Also. That cover took me a week to finish cause of those stupid wings. Does Dave ever wear this outfit? No. I just wanted to show off his midriff cause I am a dork.  
> Oh....While I am at it, the artwork can be found here: [Click Me](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic) If you do post fanart/fanfic, feel free to use that tag or poke me on tumblr, I don't use the site enough some days to notice. But yeah...Wow.  
> Getting to the good part of the fic. I mean the sexy part. Sex happens. Seriously, it's not in the nsfw section for gore. Plus you guys read chapter 14 already if you're reading this...It's not a one time occurrence. But yup. Also! I got more fanart!  
> [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/post/143129696977) Plus someone posted a prompt up on cherubplay based on this and I was like "You're my child now. Congrats on your new mom." Anyways! I need to sleep. Stayed up a lot past few days getting 16-18 done, and then that cover. IDk if I can manage doing a lot of art for the fic anymore, it's really exhausting with all the irl stuff. Also. No updates June-July, I have irl things. Good night and hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	17. Rainbows Drain in the Yard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave finally has that confrontation but it goes nowhere near how he had planned. Not to mention the looming fact Karkat is in heat. His planning should have had more thought put into it.
> 
> TW: Body horror, adult natured content (aka porn) and violence.

Whatever Dave’s plan for telling Karkat how he felt about being nothing more than a needy leech failed. Many times. He would go up to the other, open his mouth to speak only to shut it once Karkat moved away to go take care of something else. This failed conversational tactic seemed to go on for two sweeps, all during which Dave’s instincts grew. Lust was an ugly animal and Dave felt it more and more each time he or Karkat experience their heat. Each time, Karkat fought alone. Dave would see him over the edge of the fortress as he ran past trolls bigger than him and fought them off with ease. Dave couldn’t keep his eyes off the other’s graceful movements and as he grew, so did the need.

His carapace started to chafe and itch.The skin just kept getting worse, starting to peel off like sunburn, layers at a time. He scratched at it urgently until it cracked and he found himself bleeding. His carapace was thinning and he could see the fine new capace growing underneath where it had already fallen. The carapace was starting to split at the seams where evolution had melded it together into skin, leaving him more insectoid and looking more like the drones he saw in history books. He found himself bending his arms and legs a lot more than necessary, fascinated by the distinct joints of his elbows and knees. When the condition of his skin worsened he found himself trying to keep his claws trimmed, even if doing so made him feel like a declawed feline. The claws grew too fast and before he knew it the sharp tips once again had pierced through his increasingly delicate covering. Karkat noticed and gave him mittens, which actually helped. He still itched but with the knitted yarn in the way of his claws, not a whole lot of damage could be done.

Molting was weird but every troll went through it. He knew that those who had left the orphanage no doubt went through this shortly after leaving. Pupation wasn’t just a troll going from an insectoid body to a bipedal sentient creature, like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon as a butterfly. As majestic as the thought of a slimy worm emerging from a cocoon as a graceful being way, it didn’t make it any less disgusting though. He had of course let out a mortified scream when his hair fell out. It took an hour of Karkat trying to calm down the panicked teen. His hair was one of his pride and joys, not to mention he had bleached it just weeks prior to this occurring.

Those days were terrible and Dave was grateful for it to be over. He flipped Karkat off when the other commented on the fact that all the hair he had shed had grown back as pure black. He couldn’t bleach it since it was still so short but he still had enough bleach to take care of his hair when it got longer.

His bulge had finished filling in bright red as well. He found that out during a day his instincts were too much and found his hand down his pants. His genetic material had already taken on the bright red hue of his caste and it seemed now his genitalia joined in on the color coded extravaganza. The change in his bulge had caught him by surprise. He had expected it to be bigger, he did not expect to have it be the same color as the sludge that flowed through his body. He had gotten a bit taller after the molt, his muscles more defined and he had lost the last foothold he had to blame any pudge he bore on pupa fat. He was no baby anymore.

His hand went back down to his nook, trying to ignore the knowledge that his bulge was now like a beacon to any troll to come get him. It’s color completely destroyed any desire to masturbate and he was left irritable until he eventually fell asleep.

Eventually, Dave decided to quit stalling and finally confront Karkat. It had been two sweeps, it was about time he grew a pair of shameglobes. He knocked on Karkat’s door, tottering on his heels. No answer, Dave watched the door deciding whether to go looking for Karkat or try again. Looking for him seemed like a better option and he made it five steps away when the door cracked open and he was met by a tired looking Karkat. Dave stammered a moment before walking inside. He had been so preoccupied with his own problems, he didn’t notice the scent in the room before it was too late. Karkat was starting to smell of heat and Dave curled his hand until if he squeezed his hand any harder he would bleed.

 

***

 

“I need to talk to you about something.” Karkat nodded, looking away as if eye contact was downright horrid. His heat was hours away and looking at someone who his body now fucking registered as an adult was outright painful. His nook was aching but he was going to hear Dave out. The guy had been moping around for days and whatever this was, it needed to come out.

“Yeah, what is it?” Karkat sounded hoarse, his voice cracking as he spoke. “I don’t have long to prepare for the siege and I would like some rest before then.” Dave shifted his weight, trying to distract himself. It was no use, Dave sat down next to Karkat and leaned against the other. Karkat stiffened and shoved Dave, who was now an adult, away.

“Dave, make it fast for both our sake. I’m not well and you’re just acting off instinct.” Dave ignored Karkat’s pleas. Karkat gasped, his back arching up towards Dave as he fell into his desires and Dave’s hand ended up on Karkat’s leg. Karkat’s pupils were slits as he looked at Dave who was sucking on his neck. It took a slap to the face to get Dave to pull away, rubbing his cheek which stung.

“I...Uhm. Thanks for that,” He felt he deserved it, looking away embarrassed. “No idea what came over me there. Well, I do but I’m sorry about that.”

Karkat shrugged, crossing his arms defensively. Dave had started getting territorial over Karkat, his pheromones warning the other of Karkat's upcoming heat. He hadn’t even realized that was what had been happening, why the past few days even as the last of his hardened carapace left that all he could think about was Karkat. It made sense now.

“It’s fine, just get what you want out and I’ll get back to sharpening my blades.”

“I want to help.” Dave made sure to say it quickly.

“You are helping. You’re making sure all the wrigglers stay safe inside while I fight.”  
“Yeah but that’s only during your heats when I can keep my head above water. I want to help during my heats as well.”

“No. You’re still not strong enough and you haven't even mustered a bloodrage before.” Karkat was about to order Dave out of his room, finger already pointing to the door. It went horribly wrong and he felt Dave’s tongue part his lips. Dave's mouth was on his and Karkat cupped Dave's jaw in his hands and all but devoured the kid's mouth, growls fading into choked purrs the longer it went on.

"Pheromones," Karkat said when he pulled back, panting and kind of desperate for more. Mutant scent, this couldn’t mean anything.

Dave nodded to him and Karkat shut up and they went back to sloppy make outs. So, Karkat's heat was hours from starting. His legs still worked as he tried to shove the other off, only to find himself forgetting what he was doing and kissed back hungrily. When Dave moved off to catch his breath it was like Karkat’s mind had cleared. All for a good four seconds before Dave’s fingers trailed up his arm and the sensation made him lose himself. Losing himself in the kiss seemed natural like he was made to kiss Dave.

 _No. He couldn’t be doing this, this is Dave and_ \-- His thoughts trailed off again as Dave pushed him down on the bed, moaning into the kiss. Karkat couldn’t deny he was into this, eyes barely open as he examined the faint grey freckles on Dave’s face. Freckles were supposed to be a weakness but they looked good on Dave. He groaned as he felt a hand press against his bulge, the sensation pulling him out of his hypnosis.

His brain had resumed function and he pushed Dave off, or at least tried to. Dave seemed insistent on resuming their game of tonsil hockey, trying to crawl back on Karkat all while he tried to shove him off. They struggled for a while and once Karkat shoved Dave off successfully, he felt winded. Karkat bit his lip and he did what any hot-blooded, brave troll would do.

He pushed Dave up and shoved him out of the room before slamming the door behind him, followed by him proceeding to avoid the shit out of Dave and that worked out really well for him. Like the third time Dave shoved him into a wall and made Karkat stupid in under ten seconds. Not to mention the fact that Karkat could not seem to keep them from spending the days before his heat just talking and ending up sleeping in the same room. He would remember going to sleep in his bed, remember it clearly and would wake up with Dave, in one room or another. Karkat would wake up wet for him too, which was so much worse. He knew when he was in heat for real --the brutal need and the aching. How perfect Dave smelled, how Dave was on top of him for a moment, kissing and biting and generally turning Karkat's thinkpan into soup. Karkat was just barely coherent when Dave stopped --blinking in confusion _because_ Dave had stopped and why would he do such a horrible thing. He then considered the security alert.

Usually that was enough to set Karkat into the beginnings of a rage and clear his head. This time he just blinked dazedly, pretty far gone. Listening to Dave snarl as he glared at the door. After a moment, Karkat remembered that he was sentient. He sat up.

"Dave," he said, a growl in his voice. "You are not going out there. Sit the fuck back down. This is my problem to take care of, not yours."

Dave glared back at the other mutant, shaking his head.

"Fuck that. There’s fuck tons more than usual and you are not going out there alone. I'm not stupid, Karkat. Those guys see you as nothing more than a broodmother and them being after you pisses me off. Enough to kill. Stop giving me that look, I'm helping and ---"

Karkat needed him to shut up. Dave let out a purr as Karkat kissed him. He wanted to melt with the other troll but forced himself away.

"Look, let’s just kick these guys’ asses ok?"

Dave seemed restless, eager. He was acting the same way he had with John. Craving intimacy yet knowing what it would lead to and fighting it. Fighting instinct was hard and with how Dave had changed the past few months, it was even more apparent that he was grasping at the final straws of his sanity. Karkat felt the same, his mind was turning to mush. It wasn’t like it had been with John where he had spread his legs wide open and almost let himself fall. Karkat realized then, he had never been around another adult troll who wasn’t some stranger trying to get in his pants. If this was how it was going to be, maybe having Dave wouldn’t be so bad.  
_No. No one knows he’s here yet, I have to protect him._ Karkat growled, pushing Dave away again. As long as Karkat kept depending on no one but himself, it meant he could still fight. Dave turned and made his way to the door. Karkat grabbed Dave’s wrist and kept him from leaving. He growled at Karkat, baring his teeth like Karkat was challenging his desires.

"Karkat. Let me help you for once. I'm not some grub you need to protect. I can handle myself. You know how well I fight. So, let me. Please.”

Karkat returned Dave's glare after a beat. He was not heat-drunk, look at Karkat, being perfectly coherent and staring at Dave's mouth. Totally healthy.

"I've always gone out alone," was all Karkat managed to get out after a moment. Thinking was hard. There were better things he could be doing with Dave, things that required neither of them to go out and fight. He glared harder, shaking his head. "Look, Dave, the day I cannot protect my ass, it's my own fault if I get captured. I can handle it."

Dave wasn't listening, just trying to get to the door, shouting about getting his katana. Karkat didn't quite realize he was moving until he had a handful of Dave's hair and was swallowing his words in a slow, heated kiss. Dave purred and Karkat grinned, pulling cheap shots with his tongue in Dave's mouth, trying to make the smaller troll's knees fold out from under him. Dave just needed to sit down and relax. Karkat could deal with this --and rejection. Karkat growled in frustration before grabbing Dave's wrist _again_ and tugging him back.

"Just because this isn't your heat doesn't mean they can't still hurt you," Karkat told Dave firmly. "It's not like heat is the only time you’re fertile. If they see your blood they will try to mate with you." The truth had to come out. Karkat's mouth twisted. "Look, I don't want to see you hurt. Not by anyone."

But in the end, Dave wasn't a kid. It was his choice, wasn't it? Not like how the other kids wanted to fight the challengers and protect their lusus. However, indirectly, this was Dave wanting to fight his own demons. Karkat had been his age when he had started to need to protect himself. And Dave was a strong fighter. If he kept his head on straight, then maybe...? Fuck, Karkat could not believe he was going to agree to this. He let out a deep sigh.

"You keep your ass within three feet of me at all times," Karkat said after a moment, voice sharp. "You stay within reach and you shout for help if you even THINK you need it. And if I can't get to you, I want you to run for the trees. Get away from the Orphanage, understand? They'll be smelling me and they'll come after me. Hide and wait for me to clear them out. I'll call for you." Karkat's jaw tightened. "We can be away from the kids for three hours before we'll start to feel the effect. If I haven't gotten rid of them, make a break for it. It'll be your only chance."

He took a deep breath, holding Dave's shoulders as he looked into his eyes.

"Are you sure you want to do this? You don't have to. If you will let me, I'll protect you until I'm dead.”

Dave nodded.

"I know the risks Karkat. Why do you think I'm offering? Besides, someone has to watch out for your sexy ass."

Karkat’s lip thinned at that. It felt like Dave could see right through him sometimes. He got his katana, Karkat had no idea how they had left his room and made it out the armory but he wasn’t complaining. He picked his sharpest blades up and slung them over his shoulder. The usual pair of swords on his back and the sickles on his hips.

"And it's not just for you,” Dave continued. “What do you think would happen to the orphanage if you got hurt? Not to mention me...I have to help." His instincts drove him outside to fight, he wasn't producing the same level of pheromones as Karkat so the only way they could know of his mutant status was to get cut. Easy enough to avoid.

The repeat challengers were confused at the presence of another troll but they fought anyways. Karkat’s mind kept falling back on their kiss but Karkat remembered more than he liked. There were some key differences between that and what frenzied, mindless challengers would do. They had kissed like trolls in a quadrant, even if they were out of their fucking minds. Gentle, kind and with pleasure. Nothing like what he knew the hormone addled challangers would do if they won. Probably just hold him down and fuck him, no soft gentle touch like what had happened in the sanctuary of his bedroom. His mind kept drifting, even as his body swung the sickles in his hands, hungry for a slab of skin.

Between the two of them, Dave probably had never been held down and surrounded with his vision blurred from blood loss, one hand already broken and the other screaming under someone's boot while an adult tried to fumble his pants open for every last one of them to have their way. Karkat never wanted him to be.

Frankly, Karkat liked to fight the odds by himself. Liked the challengers coming at him and holding them off with his sickles and iron will. In a twisted way it made up for the things Karkat could not do. That way he didn't need anyone ultimately, not for protection or for comfort. If everything vanished tomorrow Karkat would just build it back from the ground up, right? Because he was strong. He was strong and _he_ was the one who people needed, not the other way around. It was entirely possible that Karkat had a few issues to work through. And Dave was right. He shouldn't turn down help, if only for the sake of his wrigglers.

Karkat looked around, trying to see Dave and it about stopped his heart when he turned and Dave wasn't there. For all he knew some asshole had gotten the best of his ally and had made off with him in the trees. He panicked, forgetting the challenger he was fighting and made a break to look for Dave. He wasn’t paying attention and was struck in the back of his head with a metal club. His vision went white for a moment, unable to see and the only sound he heard was the sound of his heart and breathing. He felt a hand on his waist and was lifted up. He didn’t care though, his thoughts were on Dave. He growled at the troll who was in the process of lifting his shirt up and swung his weapons, cutting off a finger. The troll gasped in shock, dropping him. He didn’t even bother fixing his clothing, just gutted the guy, dark blue spraying everywhere. He fell down to the ground, crouching a few seconds before standing up.

 _Focus up, Vantas._ He dove at his challengers, clumsier than he usually would be because he kept trying to look for Dave, to see if he was still alright. It was distracting and he took too many blows for it. It hurt and he could feel the sting of fresh wounds on his skin. Dave was either moving too fast or gone. Karkat had a decision to make and he hated it. He had been forced into a position that made him want to scream; he had to trust someone. Dave said he knew what he was doing,and Karkat was just going to have to trust that Dave was fine. He had to because he wouldn't win this fight if he kept letting his blood rage falter. Karkat wasn’t as strong as he tried to make himself out to be and he couldn’t be distracted by the what-ifs. Dave was fine and he would win this battle.

 

***

 

Dave had already broken the three foot rule and was disappearing in and out of the field, moving as fast as he could. Dave hadn't gone this fast before, not even against Karkat, so it looked like there were four or five of him at a time confusing the hell out of the challengers. He couldn’t help but grin as he swiped his katana through yet another body. It was like he had suddenly became light as a feather. He wanted to prove himself, fight for the right to even call himself Karkat’s comrade. The rush he felt where the rest of the world felt like it was moving in slow motion could only be one thing, he was having a blood rage, that or somehow the air was full of enough caffeine to keep him this worked up for so long. He felt free and powerful. He could take on the world like this.

Unlike Karkat, he had no mercy in his system. The ones who ran were met with a blade in their rib cage. Each attack by his blade was met with a spray of blood and another victim. He needed to kill them all. There was no room for weakness here and letting anyone get away was not an option. He made sure to leave Karkat be, handle the few trolls that stood by and tried to take on the fire that was Karkat. Karkat pushed back, hacking splattering clouds through the air. Thinking Karkat was in danger made him burn a lot hotter than usual. Karkat wasn’t as strong as he used to be, at least not in his eyes. His movements when they fought were slow and Dave doubted it had anything to do with his own speed. The sparring had gotten more intense over the sweeps he had lived here and while Dave was improving, he saw Karkat declining. He wouldn’t let the orphanage, his home fall. There was no telling when Karkat would become too weak to fight and they would be over run by challengers. Dave had to make up for it with his youthful spirit and speed. He was a better fighter than Karkat and he needed to keep the weaker troll safe.

Dave slashed through the trolls who were bent on only fucking Karkat and him. They had no interest in them beyond the eggs that lay inside their body. They didn’t deserve Karkat, or they would try harder. Dave was trying his best to keep him safe. The orphans? Not bad trolls but they didn’t understand. Karkat was their lifeline to staying safe. They would be without a lusus if Karkat fell. It was all Dave could do to fight, to hopefully see one more smile on the elder’s face. He had to win not only for himself but for his lifestyle.

Purple blood splattered on his face, drenching his sword in cold liquid. He didn’t even have time to wipe it off, just keep fighting off highblood after highblood. There was no stopping the hot rage he felt. He was moved by it, rushing around too fast to even give a chance for the opposition to harm him. He was limitless and he was going to prove to Karkat he could do anything.

Dave halted once it was only him and Karkat standing in the middle of the slaughter. He was panting and tired, red eyes falling on Karkat as he tried to catch his breath. Karkat looked a mix of terrified and impressed. Dave couldn’t tell which, he was still looking out for any remaining obstacles. There weren’t any. His eyes drifted away from Karkat, looking at the few bodies surrounding him. Not too shabby, a pile of bodies surrounded him.

Out of the bushes a troll ran and Dave growled, not even pausing as his body moved to cut down the troll. They didn’t even stand a chance. It stayed quiet for a while and he couldn’t help but break down in laughter as his sword dripped a rainbow of blood on the ground. He had done it. He had killed every last troll that dared threaten their lives. He looked over at Karkat. Karkat was looking around at the other bodies strewn out on the ground, speechless. Dave didn’t get it.

 _Wasn’t Karkat glad he took care of all the challengers?_ Dave’s laughter tapered off, his face growing still as he walked back inside. It didn’t seem like Karkat had appreciated his help.

_***_

 

Dave sauntered past him, blood-streaked and vicious and Karkat got the weirdest twisting in his gut, looking at him. _Yeah, keep telling yourself that your only concern was his getting hurt, Vantas. That it's like that with all of the kids --you just don't want them to get hurt. For the last time, you cannot save the planet, you stupid, ignorant fuck._ Karkat followed Dave inside after a moment. He needed to patch himself up --unlike Dave, he was still really, really good at getting hit and once he was done, he went to goof off with some of the older kids. A few of them started squirming and sniffing in his direction --and Karkat took that as a cue to leave. Didn't care if it was cowardly, he just didn't want to deal with this.

Back in his room, Dave was availing himself of Karkat's bed and Karkat ended up snorting, easing down with him to surreptitiously check Dave for wounds. Dave cuddled up like this was just another afternoon and Karkat let him, wrapping an arm around Dave and staring at the wall. His voice came out just a little too heavy.

"...You didn't need to kill them all, you know.”

He moved a strand of Dave’s bleached hair to the side, frowning at the droplet of olive blood on his forehead.

"Yes, I did. They would have come back and next time they might not be so cowardly. There's no room for mercy. The only thing on their mind is breeding. I refuse to see you end up beaten and defeated. I need to fight! This is my home, too."

"Dave..." Karkat shook his head. "They're our enemies, fine but that doesn't make them evil."

It was easy to see it in black and white. The truth was that Karkat knew his choices didn't make him better than anyone else who used violence to get their way. Trollkind was dying. As the population dwindled there were less redbloods every year and most didn't survive the constant breeding for more than forty sweeps. Trolls were going extinct. A lot of challengers came here because they thought it was right. Thought they might help Alternia and put an end to a rebellion that was, make no mistake, dangerous.

Dave had followed Karkat's example and run away, other redbloods might too. He never wanted Dave to suffer like their kind did, never wanted that for anyone. If Karkat could beat the trolls and send them running, he would. If they came back the next sweep and didn't shake his pheromones fast enough to flee, so be it. But maybe, just maybe, they would go home to their friends and quadrants and live a decent life.

Dave didn't get it because he was still so young but the grubs they raised here would become the trolls outside if they'd grown up anywhere else. You had to use the hand you were dealt and how you maneuvered through the endless gray area. No one got to be right. That was what life was now. Or maybe Karkat was a fool. Maybe he just didn't like it that one of the wrigglers under his care had gone out today and slaughtered until it made him smile. He shut his mouth.

Dave leaned over and rested his head on Karkat’s shoulder. Karkat kissed his temple, avoiding the blood and cuddling more against the leaner troll. He didn't have the energy to pail, he just wanted to be close to the other. He eventually fell asleep, pressed against the other troll. Warm. Dave was warm. Karkat could afford a few hours rest. Besides, if the countless bodies strewn across the battlefield didn't deter any approaching challengers, he would deal with them later. It was a bad idea to go to sleep like this --Karkat's heat was nowhere near it’s full effect yet.

He needed to lock himself or Dave up but he didn't have it in him. He just wanted to be close for a little while and pretend that today hadn't fucking happened. Pretend that Dave was still a kid that needed protecting and that Karkat could take all of the world's darkness and drink it so it never touched his family.

Naturally, he dreamed of his fucking lusus. He didn't remember much, just being small enough to fit completely in his claws again and listening to him sing, bawling his eyes out. The dream had long since fragmented apart when Karkat started to feel a hungry stirring of arousal. He groaned, turning his head into the pillow. _No_. He did not want to wake up and deal with his heat. Back to sleep.

 _Fuck this. Fuck this, fuck this --That was a hand, wasn't it._ Karkat peeled an eye open.

"Dave," he sighed and then whined because fuck, his bulge liked that. Flushing, Karkat tried to kick Dave off him as gently as possible. "...You are out of your head, huh?" He moaned again _._

"Good night sleeping beauty,” Dave said as he leaned closer with a seductive growl, “Sleep well?”

Karkat couldn’t help but growl in return escape as Dave kissed his bulge tip before letting go. Karkat wanted to let Dave continue to fondle him a bit longer but he knew better. Reluctantly he pushed Dave’s hands away.

“Dave, we can’t. We both know this can’t go anywhere good.”

"Fine...but we both know we'll go crazy before long." He sighed, sitting up going to the bathroom and washing his slightly red stained hand.

_This wasn't fair. Why did it feel good?_

"Okay, we... we need to be... not in the same room..."

Dave didn’t even dry his hands off before he turned back to Karkat and all the redblooded troll could do was stare at the white haired troll. Dave flung himself back onto Karkat and all he could do was stare up at the white haired troll. Dave’s palm was back on his crotch again and Karkat let out a needy moan and arched his hips up into Dave’s hand.Karkat’s face relaxed, it just felt so good. The sensation was all he could focus on and he was pretty sure that meant he just lost any coherent thought. He was like putty, folding under him.

The scene before him was just like out of one of his sex addled dreams, Dave half laying on him as his fingers palmed his bulge and Karkat helpless to stop him. Dave glanced up at Karkat and he could feel the warmth of Dave’s fingers trace down and into the wet folds of his nook. Karkat felt his face flush with anticipation. He hadn’t let anyone get this close, not even his own fingers. Not since John, not since he had sworn off being close to anyone ever again.

Dave’s fingers ended up in his nook and he squeezed his eyes shut, scared the visual would just make it worse. Karkat's claws dug into the mattress as Dave's mouth rested on his bulge.

“No... fair…” He made a very undignified noise and panted hard at the ceiling.

“Heh...weren’t you the one to say I needed to control myself?”

Karkat’s bulge thrashed merrily between his legs while Dave more or less fondled it.

"You're full of shit," Karkat informed him kindly. "My self-control is... mgh, fucking without flaw. I'll be fine."

He was not going to be fine. Dave smelled like something Karkat needed to be against for hours. He was surprised he hadn't tackled the other redblood to the ground and started begging.

 _Don't question the gifts you are given, right? Deep breaths, Karkat. ...Wait, no, shallow breaths. REALLY SHALLOW BREATHS._ Dave's scent was worse than oxygen deprivation and Karkat couldn't muster up an ounce of rejection. Like with his wrigglers but worse, because something about Dave had been telling Karkat he was in love for a while now. He just didn't want to be. He had very good reasons about why this was bullshit, not the least that they couldn't ever have a proper quadrant together.

"Will you now? I know I’m fine, see? Look at me being totally fine as I leave." Dave stood and walked towards the door. Karkat realized he was following the other troll out like there were magnets in his feet. Karkat beat his head against the door a few times once Dave was gone. Didn't really help but it made him feel better about his cranial density. Clearly, Karkat did not need to be outside. He locked himself in and told himself that he'd do push-ups until he passed out. It would have to happen sooner or later. And fuck his body's opportunism on that count.

At least no more challengers came. Didn’t stop his heat from feeling worse than usual; aching and soaking to the point where Karkat got way too fucking close to breaking his rule and trying to use his fingers to see to his needs. He was distracted, moaning and panting far too often, spine arching with shivers as it occurred to him that the whole damn room smelled like Dave. He did not pass out from push-ups, instead he only got sweaty and aggravated. He had too much energy buzzing around. How he made it through the week without pailing Dave was anyone’s guess but all he knew was that the next time they couldn’t be anywhere near each other. Dave’s heat was due any day now, too.

_Fuck._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	18. Cherry Popping Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave’s heat cycle was interrupted because of his molt and his heat hits without any warning. Being unprepared for a heat is the worst, there was no way to get through it..was there?  
> TW for pure smut and pornographic imagery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suggest you not read this somewhere public since there is a very nsfw illustration in it.

Dave had thought his heat cycles had been hell before his adult molt but it was nothing compared to this. Dave’s body was entirely against him, he had just got rid of all the fluid coming from his nook and even that didn’t help. He was leaning over his bathroom sink cupping his hand under the faucet. He stared at his palms as water cascaded down between his fingers and down the drain. He felt like this was it, this was going to be the heat that broke him. He had wanted Karkat for so long and as an adult? He wasn’t sure if he could keep his drive down anymore. He shuddered before plunging his hands under the cool water, gulping down all the water he could. He groaned when his throat stopped burning, leaning against the wall since it was the only support he had. Everything else felt like it was crumbling.

His heat cycle had been interrupted and they hadn’t stocked food and supplies like the previous ones, unaware it would happen mere days after the molt. He was supposed to have had more time! How was he supposed to survive a week without any proper supplies? He wasn't sure if he should risk going out and getting something to eat, lest he be jumped by Karkat --or worse, intruders if the walls fell. Part of him WANTED to be jumped and finally falter to his desire.

Dave was trying to reason with himself, this was exactly what the empire wanted. For him to fall to the lust he felt and spread his legs. God, how he wanted to right now. But Karkat had told him time and time again that he was stronger than that, that the rage he felt would combat that. What rage? The only time he had called it up he ended up culling all the challengers, even the ones that fled.

His stomach growled. Maybe he could get one of the younger kids to bring him something? He had no idea. He was pretty sure he heard his walkie talkie go off but Dave didn’t answer, too consumed by his heat to really think much. Maybe no one would be out there and Dave could grab some food uninterrupted. He thought it was a good idea, to run to the kitchen and grab some food. He had been stupid enough to leave his room, get some food (mostly junkfood that he would probably scarf down in a day), was lucky not to run into any older kids and made it back to his room. He didn’t realize he neglected to lock the door.

 

***

 

Karkat was running himself ragged fighting off the challengers. Some would be fodder for their blazing sun while others ran in cowardice. H let them go, they wouldn’t remember the way back anyways. Karkat stood outside panting and staring as they fled, trying to catch his wheezy breath. He needed to get back inside and check up on Dave.

 _Was he alright?_ Karkat wondered, growling in frustration. _Was he even fucking conscious? Come on, Dave._ Karkat did not need this. He barreled his way through the castle to Dave’s room, desperate to be close. Yet when he went to knock, he found himself frozen. He had to be under the effects of Dave’s heat and he knew better. However his need to be close to the redblood was overwhelming.

Aradia eventually showed up after the 10th time Karkat fought with himself to pound on the kid's door. She was old enough to understand, young enough to be thinking clearly and told Karkat to go back to his room. He wasn't well and she was either worried about him or worried about what he'd do accidentally do.

Karkat agreed that departing was probably for the best and then rambled about something, possibly the next shipment of socks, possibly how he really needed to know if Dave had food in there or if the kid was starving as Aradia near dragged him away from Dave’s room. He couldn't entirely remember why he had to check up on Dave but it was important. He paced away from the door, biting his lip as he paused.

 _Dave could be starving in there. A good lusus would check._ Regardless of what he actually said, Karkat decided that what he needed to do was knock on Dave's door and ask him personally about whether or not he was starving to death, as any good lusus would. He would actually do it this time. _I’m just being a good lusus and making sure my kid doesn’t turn into a stick. He should have called someone to help. I need to make sure he did. The idiot, he needed to eat. Heat would burn him out and so would sex._

Karkat wanted to hear his voice and hold him and tell him everything would be okay. His bulge was out again. Karkat finally got rid of Aradia and went to knock on the door. The door swung open under his fist and there was Dave, wolfing down snacks and smelling like pure bliss. So good --warm, perfect and _ready_. If there was any doubt where the smell was coming from, it vanished immediately and Dave's whole skinny body looked amazing.

Karkat growled deeply, head swimming, stepping into the room and sinking down on the floor next to Dave. He'd been doing nothing but grunting, panting or offering monosyllables all day but suddenly his voice was flowing out easily, a shade lower than normal but otherwise business as usual. Dave looked up from the chip bag in surprise. His hand was stuffed inside it, frozen as his bright red eyes met Karkat’s.

"Yeah, astonish me with your health choices, why don't you," Karkat grumbled, scruffing Dave's hair and shivering at the sensation it pooled through him. "I'll get you something better. You'll make yourself sick if that's all you eat."

"It tastes good, fuck off." Dave stuffed another chip in his mouth crunching on it loudly to distract himself. It was obvious he was using food as a means to deal with his heat. There were so many other ways he could have dealt with it. Without waiting for an answer Karkat moved to Dave's walking communication device, sending a message to some of the wrigglers to start bringing food and water up. Karkat looked over his shoulder at Dave as the message sent. Karkat near stumbled across the room to get closer, to touch and feel the mutant who needed him the most. Karkat cupped Dave’s face in his hands, making him look at the elder. He couldn't help but smile at the purr that came out of Dave’s mouth from the contact with his hand, nor that his back arched into it.

"It'll taste really good coming back up, when your body realizes it has the nutritional value of a candy wrapper," Karkat fired back with a snort. "Poor thing."

Karkat slid his hand over Dave's forehead, wincing at the fever, fingers sliding through Dave's hair and between his horns. He knew this heat was natural but it wasn't comfortable at all.

"You're almost done with your first day, though. You'll be alright. Doing good. How've you been holding up? I've been waiting to hear from you."

"I've been holding up pretty shitty actually..."

Karkat didn't want to admit that only thing on his mind the past half day was sex. Dave was running a bit of a fever, Karkat wouldn’t be surprised if he pulled away and his palm was burnt. Karkat’s mind wasn't thinking clearly, he just needed...No. What he needed was something he couldn’t bear to have and it would ruin the trust he had with Dave. He didn’t care, Dave was just so perfect and he couldn’t bring himself to give a fuck right now.

Dave reached for another handful of chips, stuffing it in his mouth and chewing obnoxiously, scarfing them down like he would die if he didn’t get them in as fast as possible. Karkat couldn’t help how he felt as he watched Dave’s mouth move. It hurt and made his insides feel like they were doing cartwheels. Karkat grinned at Dave, happy to be close to him. Dave had liked it too, at least that was what he kept telling himself. Didn't mind Karkat in his room, not so much as a flinch when Karkat got to him.

 _Good, they... they should be close, shouldn't they?_ Karkat could tell because Dave smelled so good, purred at him with a redblood's fever flush on his face and his back arching towards Karkat's touch. _It was all really simple._ Karkat had overcomplicated things, thinking he needed to stay away. Dave licked his fingers clean and Karkat purred deeply. Watching that sweet mouth lick the salt residue off was strangely arousing. The sight of Dave's tongue and plump lips, the fever warmth Karkat's body knew how to soothe. The thick good smell telling Karkat that he should be closer, that Dave should be under him. They'd both feel better then.

"C'mere," Karkat slurred, tugging Dave to him and instantly feeling better, even calmer than when he first walked in. He just wanted to hold Dave, comfort him because being in heat wasn't pleasant and he shouldn't be alone. "You can tell me," Karkat promised him. "I know it's hard for you. You can complain if it helps, okay?"

"I don’t even know where to begin. It sucks and it’s hot and uhm..."

Karkats thumb grazed one of Dave’s horns and he shuddered, losing his train of thought as Dave instinctively relaxed in Karkat’s arms, resting his head on his shoulder.

 _Relax,_ Karkat willed, hands sliding down to cup the sides of Dave's face for a moment, cooling him just a little more, helping him feel better --before he got the younger troll up against him. Karkat groaned, before leaning his head on Dave's and purring soothingly.

"You good?" Karkat murmured, palms sliding along Dave's spine, resting on his lower back and rubbing gentle circles there. "Just relax, I've got you."

Karkat sent another message through the device. There would be real food and apples in a bit when the wrigglers got his message. Until then, they should be closer. Karkat nuzzled against Dave's hair, lifting a hand to stroke softly over his horns.

"I'll make you feel better," Karkat promised him. "So much better." He shivered, nuzzling Dave's hair again, inhaling and filling his lungs with the amazing smell. His breathing was deepening, wanting more. Getting ready to be doing more than just gentle touches, because Dave would need that if he was going to feel better. Karkat purred, dazed to all hell. "Dave, you smell so great right now."

"I better fucking smell like apples, cuz I have no idea what the fuck I smell like."

Every little movement Karkat made was making him even more aroused, his nook wet and his bulge pressed uncomfortably against his pants. His breathing was steady, relaxed. It was odd, he had been running ragged all day.

"Apples?" Karkat nuzzled against Dave again, encouraged to breathe him in again and purr. "You smell... sweet and warm. It could be apples. Apple pie and melted caramel and..."

 _And Dave, just Dave, so good_. Karkat squeezed his horns, using one to tilt Dave's head up to him while the smaller troll purred. Karkat leaned in, kissing Dave's overwarm lips softly. Dave breathed into him, kissing back, his head tilted upwards. They parted from the kiss, Dave’s mouth open, breathing heavily. His body reacted to Karkat’s touch, pheromones nearly spilling out of him. One hand stayed firmly around Dave's waist, making sure he stayed close while the other slid down his horns to the back of his neck.

"...You taste good too," Karkat murmured. He had Dave so close. The smaller troll was burning hot enough to melt and Karkat wanted to kiss him again. He kissed along Dave's temple instead, needing to be even closer, to be inside him, taking care of everything Dave couldn't. Karkat guided Dave down to the floor, covering his face and throat and horns with gentle kisses, hands cradling him as Karkat settled over him and purred with delight. "...All mine."

Dave pulled himself up a bit, kissing Karkat, wrapping a hand around one of his horns, pulling him closer. Such a soft, sweet mouth, no one would be able to resist. Karkat growled, deep and hungry, pheromones and skin and Dave's stare. All of it saying yes; no reason to fight, this would be so good for them both.

Karkat cupped the back of Dave's head, kiss still gentle but not giving him the option of turning away anymore. Dave tried to grab Karkat's small nubby horns but he was shaking too much from the heat and gave up and instead he rested them at the base of his neck, pulling him back into a kiss, their tongues being introduced. Karkat's hands slipped under Dave’s shirt and the kid raised his arms as the fabric slipped off.

Karkat made another deep, pleased sound as Dave grabbed his horn, sending shocks of need down Karkat's spine, to the throb in his bulge. He reached to make sure the younger troll's were being squeezed still while he kissed Dave deeper, used his body to push the smaller troll back down. Dave's tongue slid against his and Karkat pulled back from the taste to offer a throaty, urgent purr. Dave gave his wordless approval momentarily and then Karkat was back on his mouth. His hands spilled down the muscles that ran along Dave's body,He found Dave’s hands grasping the back of his shirt and pulled it off.

Karkat needed skin and he took it, palms resting on Dave’s side and rubbing careful circles into Dave's hot skin, guiding the fabric on his chest up. Dave looked better without it. He needed his mouth on Dave's skin now and Karkat did that, soft and careful. Kisses traced the skin smelling like Dave, careful not to bite. Karkat didn't want to make Dave skittish or shy; he wanted him to purr. Needed him close and shivering into Karkat's touch, anticipating it.

Karkat's hand cupped between Dave's legs, rubbing firmly. When he moved it back it was to replace his hand with his bulge, rolling his hips against the younger troll's. Karkat had only the vaguest idea of what he was doing but they'd learn it together. Dave was soaking wet at this point and moaned as Karkat kept moving against him. Dave's slight moan had Karkat growling territorially back, rocking his hand against the rapidly soaking nook. It felt hot and good down there and Karkat could barely remember what heat felt like, that so much of it was discomfort. Karkat felt like his bloodpusher was bound to explode in his chest at any moment. But that was stupid, that couldn't possibly happen. Dave arched his hips upwards into Karkat's hand. He looked at Karkat, his hands resting against the back of the troll on top of him. Dave had to be in bliss, so wet and burning up for a mate.

"Mine," Karkat said again, giving him a soft squeeze as Dave tried to get closer. His wetness told every instinct Karkat had that Dave was ready. Karkat leaned closer to kiss the other mutant again, gentle and insistent, head in a fog. He should be inside, pounding Dave hard and fast into the floor, claiming him-- He took a breath, nuzzling against the mutant's sweet-smelling skin, leaving soft kisses there.

_No. Slowly. Careful. Had to... be careful. Pants had to be gone._ Dave had his shaky hands grasping the button on Karkat’s pants as he fumbled with the zipper. Karkat's hips lowered, the squirming of his bulge pushed against Dave's. Karkat rolled them lower, gentle hands guiding Dave's legs apart to slide his bulge against the mess Dave's nook was spilling, push up against where he estimated Dave's entrance would be. Karkat moved his hips there again, reaching for Dave's horns, kissing his throat.

"You're ready," Karkat promised him with a nuzzle to his cheek. "It won't hurt at all. I'll make sure it's good." Karkat pushed down on the increasing wetness of Dave’s nook. Karkat shifted out of the way as Dave dragged his pants and boxers down. He hesitated before guiding Dave's legs open and introducing his palm to the heat of Dave's bare bulge.

He lifted Dave's hips carefully before sliding his hand along everything Dave's heat was gathered in, ending at his nook and gentle as could be sliding fingers inside of him to explore. Wet and tight and hot. Dave moaned, Karkat felt Dave’s walls contract, obviously in bliss. His nook was dripping at this point. He knew Dave needed something bigger than fingers inside. He needed a bulge. Karkat needed to be the one to fill him, be deep inside while Dave soaked himself around the claim.

 _Because he was in heat --because he_ **_wanted_ ** _this._ Karkat chuckled at Dave's eager moans when there were fingers for him to feel inside while he dripped wetter and wetter. Karkat fucked him on them gently, nice and easy. He was sliding their lips together because they had all the time in the world to mate Dave and his eggs full. Karkat's own bulge had thrashed out without the pants pinning it --red and slick, much more substantial than fingers. Big. Karkat was an adult and right now, Dave could do nothing but take it inside. Karkat stroked inside of the mutant, leaning down to kiss and nip at Dave's neck.

"You want to feel better," Karkat murmured, still hesitating just a little, trying to justify this to the discomfort in the back of his thinkpan. "I want to make you feel good."

 _Nothing to be afraid of, nothing that would hurt._ Karkat would never hurt Dave. He was fully on top of him now, feeling how easily Dave was letting him, succumbing, wanting what Karkat was giving. As if suddenly realizing what was happening, Dave tried to pull away, only to fail due to the superior strength of the elder troll. Karkat didn't pay any attention to that momentary resistance, Dave trying to squirm away. Just nerves. Dave wasn't fighting him and he knew how good Karkat was about to be to him. There was something wrong about it, though, wasn't there? Was it really Karkat who did this to someone so defenseless as him?

Dave let out a little whimper, Karkat’s bulge grazed his entrance. Any thought which told him Dave was trying to escape was pushed to the back of his mind. Karkat kept kissing him, keep everything soft and gentle and sweet. Karkat let his bulge rub along Dave's full entrance, nudging and seeking a way inside as he continued to work fingers inside him. Dave didn't need it, was so wet already. Dave made the most amazing sounds as Karkat worked his hand, all pleading, wordless growls and soft whimpers. The wetness and eagerness wasn’t enough.

Karkat's brow furrowed, three fingers pumping in and out

"You want this. I'm not...like the others outside. You want this from me." He stroked back Dave's hair gently, back to fondling his horns. "Say it."

 _I’m not like the others, he went through the same thing, he...he wouldn't make him carry a brood, would he? He didn't want to...but he wanted the sex_.

"I..I..." Dave gulped.

 _Dave was nervous. Shit._ Shifting inward and shutting his eyes to Karkat, who promptly decided that he should bite his way down the soft skin of Dave's throat and collarbone, not breaking the skin but making red marks to lick while Dave stuttered out his reply. Patience was not a skill he had. He guided his fingers deeper again, massaging into the young mutant, urging him to tell Karkat yes, kissing softer only when Dave begged for him.

“Want you. Please. Yes.”

That was _exactly_ what Karkat needed to hear, shivers humming down his spine as he withdrew his fingers and pressed his bulge to the younger troll's entrance. Going inside was easy, Dave was slippery soft and a furnace between his legs. As Karkat rocked slowly inside of him, he gripped Dave's bulge, stroking it in time, helping him relax.

"Shhh," Karkat purred, kissing Dave's gasping mouth. "You're ready. You can do this. Nothing to fight against."

He knew it in his bones; he needed to be inside of his tight, wet nook, knew that Dave could take him because there was no other option. As the younger troll began to moan against him again, Karkat went as deep as he could and rolled his hips shallowly, letting Dave get used to it.

It was like he knew what to do, his instincts were firing, telling Karkat he needed to hold Dave down and pound him into the floor hard, make him submit faster. Get as many doses of his red slurry to Dave's eggs as possible before other challengers arrived. Keep going until Dave was swollen huge and Karkat's globes couldn't make any more for him to take; that was the optimal situation but this was Dave, dammit. As much as Karkat's head was swimming, he did not want to hurt him.

“You're gorgeous," Karkat blurted out, starting to move --gentle as he heard Dave's breath hitch; sliding bulge everywhere inside him, in and out between his legs and then thrashing firmly into the deep places where Dave hadn't been touched before. Every inch inside of Dave was pure pleasure and Karkat growled proudly as he claimed them. "And you'll take all of me."

Karkat felt something inside Dave shift, felt like a bone had moved. The entrance to his seedflap where his eggs were held had opened and would allow the slurry to go where it needed.

"Mmmm..Karkat..." Dave leaned upwards, wrapping his arms around the others neck, pulling him close and into a kiss. He had looked like it was the hardest thing to do, course it could only be a reaction to how good it felt. Dave’s hips rocked with Karkat’s and his breath hitched each time Karkat’s bulge hit a sensitive spot within his nook. Karkat growled and pushed closer to Dave's heat-dazed moans, some impulse telling him he needed to keep reassuring the younger troll. Karkat was dominant and strong for him and would give Dave a healthy brood.

Dave’s nook squeezed down around him and he found it hard to do much besides growl. Karkat raked his own claws gently along the muscles of Dave's stomach as they tightened with sex. Karkat’s bulge hit every inch of him, his body reacting accordingly, letting out little chirps and purrs. Karkat felt Dave’s nook spread a bit. This had to be it, Dave was ready to be filled.

"Dave," Karkat managed through his growling, bulge swelling further at the needy sounds the younger troll made, at the writhe of his hips into Karkat's bulge. Found a sweet spot for Dave and took advantage of it rhythmically to shatter Dave's breathing apart and make him cry out. Karkat kept his hand stroking and teasing Dave's own bulge, coaxing him to come with every touch. He needed to. Dave should orgasm on Karkat's bulge until his globes were as empty as Karkat's, heat exhausted, seedflap swollen thick with slurry. And he wanted Dave to come first, before Karkat filled him --wanted him relaxed to the utmost, unresisting when Karkat bred him. He insisted on it, fucking Dave harder, deeper, purring to him approvingly as Dave started to tense and chirp.

Karkat wasn't sure Dave even noticed, watching him spill, face so flushed taking his bulge with a look of perfect satisfaction on his face. Karkat growled heatedly, pressed his bulge in as deep as it could go, shuddering with release and desire.

He moaned as his slurry pumped into the mutant, feeling it drain inside as Dave’s nook labored to take it all. Karkat bathed Dave in gentle kisses, hands stroking over him gently and reassuringly. When Karkat went still, it was because his senses expanded abruptly --smell, sight, hearing; beyond the range of a troll in any position but this one. Sensing any sign of an oncoming challenger, someone who might attack or otherwise interrupt breeding. No one, just him and Dave. No challenger would interrupt Karkat for the rights to more of the redblood's eggs.

"More." He began to move again, one successful mating having him taking the young troll a little harder now, pushing Dave's legs wider, firm strokes thrusting inside of him. It was pure pleasure and he didn't know why either of them were so scared of this before. Eventually, his shameglobes felt empty and Dave looked swollen from his seedflap being so full.

Karkat licked his lips, thirsty. He thought he heard knocking and Karkat was pretty sure that at some point the wrigglers had tried to come up here with the supplies but he growled until they went away. While they weren't a threat like a challenger would be, they were a distraction and Karkat's instincts told him that nothing could be allowed to intervene until he had as much of his slurry in Dave as possible.

Dave was his. He was clinging too, pressing his nook deeper on Karkat's bulge, perfectly claimed. He felt so damn good, there was no chance to think, only to slide back into him and mate him again. With these pheromones in the air, Karkat would have continued until Dave physically could not mate again, every egg fertilized and alive.The instincts didn't care that Dave was only nine sweeps or Karkat's friend or that he didn't deserve this, all that mattered was that he was fertile and growling Karkat's name and everything about fucking him was deliriously sweet.

Karkat wouldn't have stopped --wouldn't have been able to but lo and behold -- you learn something new every day. Once he'd emptied all the slurry he had into Dave, Karkat's fucking thinkpan switched back on. He had nothing new to breed Dave with, so presumably, that shut down his ability to respond to Dave's heat.

Proceed directly to ABJECT PANIC.

Karkat looked at the teen he'd just spent the past few hours raping. There was no mistake that in his right mind Dave wouldn’t have wanted this. Dave's stomach was visibly full and unless Karkat's slurry was unviable, there was no way Dave wasn't bred at this point. He was also panting and purring to Karkat, as utterly out of his mind as Karkat had just been, giving Karkat a big, dopey smile like Karkat did not need to get culled for this.

Karkat was sick to his stomach. He needed to get away from Dave and fast. Possibly to another continent, possibly six feet under the ground. This was not even in the realm of what Karkat could handle and he was scared of what he'd do to Dave again in a few hours when he had enough in his shameglobes to recuperate and try again. Whether or not getting away was right, Karkat also knew that to abandon him right now would be massively cruel. Dave had just been clinging to him in heat for hours and Karkat abandoning him as soon as the sex stopped was bound to fuck with his head.

So Karkat swallowed the fact that he wanted to scream until his voice gave out, convinced Dave that clothes were a thing and cuddled with him as much as he could stomach with sick guilt twisting until he shivered. Dave continued purring against Karkat contentedly right up until the wrigglers made another go at provisioning.

Karkat stayed with Dave as long as he could, trying to keep him somewhere in the realm of calm while Karkat tried to figure out what the hell they could do (jack shit, so far) but the minute Dave started smelling like heaven again, he was gone. Felt bad but no, he would not touch Dave again under any circumstances, ever. Karkat assumed it was just the sheer magnitude of _What The Fuck Did I Just Do_ that kept him from rushing back to the redblood.

 

***

 

Dave lay on the floor, still in shock. He was only pulled out of the daze of his afterglow by knocking on the door. He crawled over to the door, too sore to really walk and was grateful for the wrigglers holding up a plate of food and a gallon of apple juice. Which resulted in Dave guzzling down half of the apple-juice in desperation.

Both trolls were surprised when the next day only 3 challengers showed up, during which Karkat kicked their asses. The next; no one. It was odd because this had never happened before. Dave looked down resting a hand on his belly.

 _Was it because he had a brood? Oh god..._ The realization dawned on him. He was carrying Karkat’s brood. He thought he was going to be sick, feeling bile building up in the back of his throat and rushed to the nearest restroom, letting loose the contents of his stomach.

He was filled with horror. He had succumb to his instincts. He started to shake, crying as he flushed the vomit down. Dave locked himself in his room the remainder of the heat. He didn’t feel nearly as horny as usual but the pheromones were still there.Dave was grateful when his heat passed and he went to dispose of the eggs that didn’t meet Karkat’s seed.

18...19...20...21...no more came. He stood, looking down. All white, some kind of grey. Dead troll eggs were black, the grey ones must have not darkened enough yet. They hadn’t survived. Redbloods weren't meant to breed each other, too many mutations. Yet even as he looked down at the grey eggs, a pang of pity filled him. He felt strangely attached to them, even if they were just eggs, just the thing that filled him with dread.

Dave looked down at his belly and ran a hand over the still puffed out skin. It must have been a big clutch, he could feel a multitude of distinct bumps in his belly, slowly turning smooth as fluid surrounded them and made him swell even more.

Dave sighed, pulling the trash bag up and tied it before going over to the dumpster, getting as far away from them right now was all he could do. The ones still inside him? They were stuck there until it was time to lay. He returned to his room, crossed his legs on the bed and broke down in tears. On the bright side, he wasn't producing heat pheromones anymore, or the tantalizing scent redbloods carried like a badge. He was producing the scent of a pregnant redblood.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  They finally did the do, after 18 chapters. 18 very long chapters.  
> The image used for this chapter can be found on [ my blog](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/nheafic), as well as other nhea illustrations, some not even used for the fic. Hell, I even do mini updates on progress with it.
> 
> That being said, go read [ this.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6920842/chapters/15789037) It was written by my very good freind [ Cheese](http://http://chess-and-snickers.tumblr.com/), who also beta's for nhea. She knows things. She won't tell you, but she knows what happens in a good chunk of the fic. 
> 
> That being said, I am not sure when the next update will be since I will be traveling for most of the summer and I doubt I will have much time to work on NHEA, especially chapter 19-23 since it's that 1 arc I forgot to outline. The pregnancy arc since apparently I forgot that is a thing? So. I need to plan and write. A lot. Anyways, yeah. 18 chapters. They did the do. Woo!
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	19. Everything Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave’s pregnancy had only been a nightmare so far. Could it turn into a dream? Who knew being pregnant and in love could be so complicated.  
> TW for: Nightmare fuel, angst, and nudity(artwork)

With slurry in him and no new mates to keep his heat up Dave's pheromones dwindled fast. Karkat still smelled something but that was probably the result of being the scum of Alternia. Dave went around in a daze, didn't so much as mention that he'd been fucked and bred after Karkat promised to protect him. Didn't take his very nice katana to Karkat's very stupid throat. Karkat kept checking on him; panicking, worried that any quantity of slurry in his seedflap was going to turn Dave into one of the broken redblooded mutants given no choice but to mate themselves sick.

_What if Dave didn't come back?_

Karkat worried that he had destroyed him, because he couldn't control himself around the one kid it was his responsibility to protect, more than ANYONE. So when Karkat came to his room with another plate of food, a pitcher of apple juice and an ongoing desire to get slowly tortured to death and he saw Dave sobbing on his bed, it was... a huge fucking relief.

 _Dave was still in there._ The tray of food clattered down and Karkat was at Dave’s bedside, kneeling before him and holding the other’s hand in concern. He felt a squeeze of fingers, Dave pulling his hand free. Dave’s lip trembled as he slid down beside Karkat and hugged him.

"I'm so fucking sorry," he gasped, furious with himself and with the fact that his hands somehow felt like they belonged on Dave's horns. He kept them down, just held him and gritted his teeth. "That went so wrong, I will put myself at least a planet away from you when this is done but I swear to god but first I'll get you through this, okay? You're going to be fine. We will figure this out, Dave and it's never happening to you again. Oh fucking GOD, I am so sorry. It shouldn't have happened at all."

He turned to Karkat, wiping the red tears from his face. He didn't know how to respond. Had had sex not a mere week ago with him, caused by heat and instincts and...He hiccupped, wiping the new tears being shed.

"Could have been worse." He sighed, “It’s not a full brood so stop beating yourself up. We both know most of the time it's a full brood of like twenty, so...it could have been a lot worse." Dave embraced Karkat, shaking, not sure what else to say. Dave was trying to be strong but he could hear the uncertainty in the other trolls voice.

"Okay," Karkat said firmly, "first, before this goes any further, let me make this all kinds of clear. What I did was absolutely fucking wrong, there is no degree on how wrong it is beyond EXPONENTIAL, it wouldn't matter if it was fifty fucking thousand. Dave. Listen to me just this once. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. It was mine and I swear to Jegus Christ on his little magical chariot in the sky, if you try to make this your burden any more than is biologically required, I will make you listen to a lecture on that until we're both sick. Okay?" Karkat squeezed Dave tighter to him, rubbing his shoulders and just letting him shake for a moment.

"Second," he said quietly, "There's no undoing this, so let me take responsibility for it, at least. I don't..." He grimaced against Dave's hair. "...I don't know if I can't." That was mostly a guilt thing, some of it was biology. He needed to protect Dave, guard him from enemies while he was weak and more. Feed him, make sure he slept, comfort any pain, keep him utterly healthy and as happy as possible. Until Dave was recovered from all of it. Be his matesprit, not just the troll who fucked him. Love him, except this wasn't love and if that thought ever crossed Karkat's mind again, he was going to devise some kind of really horrible, bloody self-torture to kill it off.

"If you don't want to keep the eggs once they’re out, that's your decision and I'm not going to involve myself there. I am trying to ask you if you'll let me take care of you until you recover. I won't be around more than I have to if you can't take it but somebody needs to take care of you and I swear to god, all you have to do is let me get you through this." And once Karkat had cleaned up his mess and made sure that this time Dave would be so damn safe, he would be finding someplace else to haul his carcass.

"Whatever you choose," Karkat promised him, "You're coming out the other end fine. If you want it to be like it never happened, this IS an orphanage and I'll raise them as my wrigglers, like everybody else. If you want to be their lusus, no one is going to stop you. If you can't stomach any of it at all, even if you do choose to lay them, I'm gone and I'll take them with me. Everything is your choice and no matter what you want, I will make sure it happens. And above all," his voice twisted with anger, "No one is going to force you EVER again."

Dave looked up at Karkat shaking, before burying his face into the others chest. As angry as he was and as much as he wanted to just continue kicking himself until the end of time, Karkat's heart was kind of too busy breaking in his chest for that right now. He stared down at Dave, who hugged onto Karkat like there was nothing else in the world, sobbing from Karkat's mistake.

 _Dave was tough; a pain in the ass, too cool teenager always smirking behind a fresh pair of shades. He didn't cry. He shrugged it all off. My fault,_ Karkat thought, helplessly cradling Dave to him as the boy cried, hand stroking what comfort he could give through Dave's hair, realizing that he was purring softly, trying to comfort him. Couldn't stop either, fucking biology.

It was going to be okay; Karkat would **make** it be okay but he got that not crying was the last thing in the world Dave needed to be doing. He rested his head on top of Dave’s, rumbling a purr between his horns, rubbing his palms against the shivers.

"Just let it out," Karkat murmured to him, praying this would shift to Karkat. Let Dave's pain fall out and Karkat carry it around for him instead.

"It's alright--" He opened his arms up a little to let Dave escape and found the smaller mutant's mouth pressed to his. How fucking wrong was it that instantly, a bolt of heat sliced through Karkat? He remembered pieces of the heat haze, kissing Dave again and again, all over, shuddering with pleasure against him, in him, the little chirps and sighs Dave made.

Karkat kissed back softly for a second, half in a memory. Froze. _Wait, Dave is. Rewind. ...This wasn't a heat kiss._ Flushing exceptionally red in a heartbeat, Karkat pulled back and stared at Dave. His thoughts were kind of on the slow side at the moment so he ended up on autopilot. Dave’s voice broke him out of his stupor.

"Look, these..eggs. They're both ours. And probably with our shit luck, they'll end up with our blood. Actually pretty sure they will since what else could they be? And..I don't know. I just really don't know. Oh god I sound like a broodmother thinking about unborn grubs.." Dave laughed nervously, sitting up from Karkat. "Look, if it helps, back with the Mother Grub, the parents' color didn't matter. Maybe it doesn't now either." Or maybe the redblood mutation was recessive to all other troll genes and that's why each redblooded egg was watched over so carefully, to ensure the new nookslave would grow up to continue to propagate the species. In which case Dave was right; the grubs would either be redblooded or too mutated to survive. If their mating had only produced a few viable eggs, it was possible that those were the survivors of their genetic combination and most of them would be red.

"Look, if they're like us," Karkat began and then swallowed. "...it's shitty but your situation clears up a lot of misconceptions. I didn't know how to handle an adult heat that wasn't mine but now I do. As soon as they start putting out pheromones, we confine them, I'll clear out any challengers--"

Two redbloods in one keep was already attracting a horde, he could hardly imagine more. It was going to attract a whole hell of a lot more challengers. _Another headache, fantastic._

"We'll deal with it. It took royally fucking up but I know what I'm doing now and... our grubs are going to be okay, no matter what shitty blood color they've gotten stuck with."

At Dave's groan, Karkat snorted, automatically thinking, _You also sound adorable_. He froze again, mildly horrified at that impulsive train of thought. Dave had decided to commandeer Karkat's lap and Karkat found that he was pretty much fine with this. He resembled petting over Dave's hair gently.

Karkat was right, redblood was super rare. And when the highbloods had tried to make more by having them mate, 99% of the brood either didn't take, or died within a sweep if they did make it past being hatched. There was a chance that all of the brood growing inside Dave would never live to see the moons up in the sky. It would make things easier on him if they did die, no grubs.

At one point in time Karkat wanted to fill the orphanage full to the brim with grubs. He still did but not ones he had taken part in creating. A part of him that knew they were his, hurt at this thought. Dave whined and nuzzled against his neck, pulling Karkat out of his looping thoughts.

The two of them stared at eachother for a while, crimson eyes that seemed to mirror each other meeting. Dave was the first one to act. He leaned forward and kissed Karkat gently on the lips. Karkat’s mouth parted, instinct. It was over before it really went anywhere, Dave sliding across the bed once they had parted.  
“Dave?” Karkat’s eyes remained on Dave who looked down and placed a hand on his belly. The swelling had gone down a bit and he looked just like the Dave a week prior. A bit more stressed but who could blame the guy? He had done what his blood color foretold. Karkat still felt like the gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe.

“Dave, please say something.”

Silence.

Dave just looked at Karkat then back down and Karkat was fine with that. Dave rested his head on Karkat’s shoulder not saying a word. That was fine, they would talk in time, if Dave just wanted to cuddle and kiss his pain away right now, Karkat would be there for him. He never wanted to hurt Dave like that ever again.

Dave lay there for a while, leaning against Karkat’s shoulder until he decided to sit across the bed. How depraved was it Karkat wanted to go back and cuddle with him? It was actions like that that caused this entire mess in the first place. So, Karkat waited until Dave decided to leave and he was going to lay down and take a nap until he realized he was still in Dave’s room. Karkat stood, taking in one last breath of Dave’s sweet scent and went to his own chambers. Any right to enjoy Dave’s company had been revoked moment he fell to his devilish needs. He couldn’t even say he was stronger than them anymore. Before it was hard but now, everything has changed. He had fucked up big and the only thing to do now was hope Dave took pity on his weakness and didn’t slit his throat middle of the day.

 

***

 

Dave didn’t even know where he was going, he just needed to get away from Karkat. Being close to the other was just confusing and brought out way too many emotions for the troll to handle. On one hand, he resented Karkat for what had happened, yet the other felt pity. Pity that neither of them could control themselves when it came to heat. That wasn’t the lone type of pity he felt. He had admitted to himself so long ago that he loved Karkat, admired him, wanted to be with him. Something he had also told himself could never happen. Two redbloods would be a disaster and he had been right. The situation he was in now was all because he couldn’t fight Karkat off. Didn’t want to really and that was the part he hated most. The part of him that wanted to have sex with Karkat. Something stupid like lust had clouded his judgement and let the other fuck him. The word rape came to his mind but it felt wrong. Rape was when it was nonconsensual and even if he wasn’t fully there, he knew part of him wanted it. He wanted Karkat to fuck him, knowing full well the consequences. Just living with them now, was too much.

 _Heat of the moment,_ he thought. _God. I can’t believe I let myself do that. That I let Karkat help. I’ve gotten myself into this shit and now I have to fucking deal with it._

So much had changed in the two sweeps since his first heat. They had both been fine as two redbloods could be and Dave thought he could keep it up forever. They had been fine until Dave molted. He realized then that was what it was, adults were more susceptible to the redblood heat. Why he had a blood rage the first time he was out there defending his home, why he had found himself wet with his bulge half out shortly after. Why this entire situation where he was STUPID enough to let his feelings could his judgement.

Dave kept moving his feet, pacing through the corridors, making random turns as he saw fit. He found himself in the armory, weapons hanging from the walls or in barrels sharp side down. He shook his head, wondering what drove him here as his eyes scanning the weapons. To the left were the swords and axes, used in offence. On the right, staves and shields used more in defence. Then there were the hordes of stunted wood weapons, smaller than the rest, used for practice. He smiled, eyes falling on the katana he had practiced with when he was still youthful and hoping the world had more to offer him than just breeding. Funny how that had turned out, he had played in the palm of the world’s hand and doing what he had been born to do. So many memories he had of previous fights, how many times he missed striking his teacher, the target of his misguided affection. The countless times he had been caught off guard and hit by Karkat’s strikes.

He remembered a particular fight where he had been caught in the midsection, falling over in pain and the bruise that covered his stomach for weeks. Karkat had apologized profusely but Dave had reassured him that it was fine. It hurt like a bitch but he didn’t want Karkat to see him as weak. He was weak, there was no hiding that. Didn’t mean he hadn’t tried to seem strong! Fat lot of good that did him.

Suppressing his growl through clenched teeth he frowned in frustration and self doubt at the realization, he approached the practice weapon and pulled it from its rack and held it out. The katana was so small, barely the length of his arm. He remembered it being bigger, an extension of his arms. It was a bit frightening knowing how big he had gotten, how adult. The fact he was one still sent waves of shock through his mind. He hadn’t been prepared, just let it happen. He didn’t steel himself to the possibility that two adult redbloods could do something so stupid as fornicate. Taking an offensive position, he swung it just to feel the wood in his fingers again, feel like a kid.

It sent a shockwave through the room, knocking a few weapons from their rack onto the floor in a cloud of dust. He coughed, waving the sand from his face. Even with his newfound adult strength, he was still nothing. Once his eyes stopped watering, a hand ran through his hair. As an adult, his sex drive that felt like it was bad already, felt uncontrollable. He wasn’t as passive as Karkat about it either. The other didn’t even get off during his heat, something he would have been able to smell. Karkat had never smelt like self pleasure, just the usual smell of heat. Karkat had so much more self control than Dave and it drove him mad. He wanted to smell Karkat enjoying himself, something more than the torturous heat.

The heat he smelled so many times and each time he found himself jerking off in the quarters of his bathroom to wash away his own aroused scent. It was all he could do to keep himself to falling to instinct. Meanwhile Karkat fought during both of their heats and he acted like nothing was the matter, just another day. It was aggravating beyond all reason. While Karkat used a weapon to fight his heat off, Dave ended up pleasing himself during his own. More self doubt at his right to even call himself Karkat’s equal. Dave couldn’t be like Karkat. The only fucking reason they lost themselves was because Dave fucking let it get too far. If he was stronger, he would have slapped Karkat and told him to get it together. He didn’t. He had a higher sex drive and it was his undoing. His weakness to the situation was the reason why he now carried a clutch in his seedflap.

The worst part? He felt like he could do it again, have Karkat fill his nook and send his morals to the dumpster. He wanted more, more sex, more of Karkat’s heated breath on his skin. He shuddered at the thought, pseudo sensation coating his collar and making his nook ache with need. He wanted his moirail more than anything right now but what could he tell her? That he had fallen to his worst desires and there wasn’t anything he could do now but wait for his eggs to grow so he could spawn them? Not likely.

This was difficult enough to think about, let alone write. Plus by the time the letter got to her and he got one in return he would already resemble a peach, bloated and ready to pop. It felt like a hopeless situation and Dave turned to leave the armory. He wanted to return to is room but he had just left, with Karkat still present. Despite his concern he still returned, relieved to find it empty. Except for the scent of the other, that still lingered. The scent had changed to him and it took him a moment to realize why. Karkat had smelled like clutchfather, the sire of the brood that now lay in his gut. It made him want to heave with how much he desired more of it, to be bathed in Karkat’s sweet pheromones and hot kisses. He blushed, storming to his bed and falling face first against the bouncy mattress. It still smelled of sex and the mistake that had transpired there, he hadn’t washed it yet.

Funny how that made him desire to lay there even more, potentially get some pleasure out of it. He found fingers brushing the edge of his pants and he sighed contently as he dipped his hand down to play with his nook, the inner folds already wet with arousal. Pleasure was what had been his undoing but he couldn’t help it. He knew this now, he was nothing more than just another breeder and he might as well act like one. Besides, it was just harmless masterbation, nothing like sex. The memories of that day flooded his thinkpan making him cover his mouth to hide the moans. It had felt good, Karkat’s bulge marking him where he couldn’t reach. He tried to push his fingers in deeper to get that same sensation, his fingers spreading to try and feel full. Even if he was leaking now, it didn’t derive the same pleasure as before. He had known a troll's bulge and he craved more.

Dave didn’t feel the same pleasure from his hand(or produce) that he did in the past. Masterbating was just a comfort thing now.  Possibly due to the fact he had felt the intimacy of sex and desired more, or simply because now that he was full of eggs, he had a lower sex drive. Unlikely, he still craved the closeness of Karkat’s nude form against his. He pulled his hand covered in bright red juices  out, wiping it on the bed sheets before falling back on the bed, sighing as he stared at the ceiling. Hopefully his want to partake in fornicating with Karkat would go away in time. Unlikely, it was nothing like he had experienced before. He _needed_ more. It was like a tick, latched on and nothing besides fire could remove its hold. In this case, nothing could curb his lust except more sex. In Dave’s eyes, he was going to die if he didn’t get Karkat’s bulge where it belonged. It was what he wanted now and he felt like he was going to die if he didn’t get it.

A low growl escaped his lips, the troll sitting up and curling as much as his slightly bloated belly allowed. He was already fucking showing, the eggs hard inside his gut. They had shells, thick ones at that. The one’s that were laid after a heat with no sex had weak shells, weaker than a cluckbeasts. He had thrown away so many broken shells through the two sweeps that he thought all shells were like that. This wouldn’t be the case, the eggs were thicker now, protecting themselves as they grew inside.

Dave sighed as he fell back on the bed, a hand running over the lump. It was smooth, a perfect lump beneath his skin. He wanted it to be flat, to get his body back. He didn’t want to be an incubator but that’s what he was at the moment. He couldn’t do anything about it either and that was the worst part. A redbloods seedflap became near impenetrable once eggs were growing inside. It was a bit painful but nothing severe. Just felt like his pelvic muscles were frozen in place and he couldn’t relax. He wondered if that was normal or if it was just him. There weren't any books on this, none readily available except for the jadebloods who ran the hatcheries. That’s where he would be situated if he was still out there.

He had done enough research to know what would have been his fate. Hatchery during pregnancy, a short rest after laying, then back on the streets in chains to be fucked full of a new clutch. A nookslave, a breederwhore. There were so many words to put down redbloods and he felt like all of them at the moment. He didn’t think he ever felt so distraught, not even when Crowbro sacrificed himself so he could live.

Tears.

He was fucking crying again. It had to be hormones. He rolled from his back to his side, pulling on the blankets to give himself room to crawl under and hide. He cried himself to sleep. Life wasn’t fair and he still had no idea what to do with the grubs once he lay.

Another worry he had. Grubs took their bloodcolor from their parents, sometimes a grandparent. Bright red was a mutation. With any luck, the grubs would take on the traits of whoever the fuck spawned them both and result in a normal color. Unlikely, every troll hatched in the past 150 or so sweeps carried the mutant gene.

He wondered what color blood he would have had if he was normal. Maybe a rustblood, maybe something higher. A crow for a lusus, no doubt used by an ancestor at one point. He shut his eyes, trying to remember the color of Crowbro’s blood. He got nothing, the only time he had seen it was --He couldn’t pull at the memory. Why the fuck was he even thinking about this?

Eggs were eggs and he would have to watch them hatch, grow up, ask the same questions. He didn’t want to take care of them, they were nothing but the source of his grief. He wanted to sleep, let his bloodpusher stop feeling like it would explode at any second. The troll shut his eyes and by some miracle, he fell to slumber.

He dreamed that night of the little southern community he grew up in. How there couldn’t be more than twenty bloodlines there, small compared to how big he knew the capital was. Trolls prided themselves on who they were related to, how many nooks they owned and how many grubs they could produce. How he often wondered if anyone could possibly tell he was a mutant before he had his public nosebleed. Imagining growing up with normal blood, with others of some unknown caste. How some unknown troll would boast about producing someone like him, someone who would keep their species alive. He would be worn like an expensive jewel, toted around to friends and colleges of some faceless master.

It felt like a retelling of his childhood, except it turned nightmarish once it passed the date he ran. In the dream there was no Karkat to save him, no orphanage to run to. He was subjected to what he had always feared to come true. Funny how he didn’t question it in the dream, just let his actions sink him further into the rabbit hole. In the dream, he had not run. He was too cowardly to in the dream. Part of him knew that his blood would someday be found out. Either by shedding some blood, or his inevitable heat where the first troll to lay claim to his body would become his master. It was the way it worked after all. The first troll to take a redblood was the deciding factor on the mutant’s Destiny.   

Nightmares of faceless trolls reaching for his arms and legs, tearing at the very fabric that hid him. The fabric turned red as it flew away, the glowing yellow eyes surrounding him. They didn’t belong to any trolls, just silhouettes with wide sharklike grins.

It was then he felt bulge inside, gasping as  a familiar feeling filled him again and again. He watched his dream stomach expand and grow, getting bigger with each phantom bulge that penetrated him. He screamed, trying to break free from some invisible force that held him down. The worst part? Was when his screams of horror turned into those of pleasure, just like he was expected to in so many educational videos. His master chosen for him, another large faceless troll and his destiny chosen for him. The troll that he didn’t even recognize left, leaving him laying on some random ass field covered in grass. He was unwanted. No one could really love a redblood after all, they just existed for the sole purpose of using their nook.

He was left there, a round thing of a troll and before he could even calm down enough to process the information, a pain shot down his spine and like a cannon, he began shooting egg after egg out of his nook. He grew panicked, pressing hands against his nook trying to keep the round orbs in. It was no use as they flew by fast, flying every which way. Even without seeing more than maybe three fly, he shut his eyes and sobbed, the sensation of them continuing to leave his body. It felt ten times worse than when he passed his unfertilized eggs in the awake world, his body recognizing it would be worse to lay the eggs growing inside. His subconscious also chose the color of the ghostly eggs of this nightmare. They were all redbloods. Dream logic told him they were all like him, destined to spread their legs. He shook and sobbed as each egg popped and a little furry grub took it’s place, morphed into a cocoon and eventually a troll. A mutated fat one, already fat and filled with it’s own eggs. It was mortifying and he wanted it to stop.

He couldn’t take it much longer and woke up with cold sweat dripping down his face and claw marks indented into his palms. It took a bit of making silent sounds with his mouth before he forced his body up into a sitting position. Hand running down his belly, he was hardly showing. It had been so much bigger in his dream. He wondered if he would grow as balloon like in reality. He knew it was impossible, at least he assumed so, clutches rarely passed twenty eggs. He had a small brood and they certainly weren't going to grow at the speed of a rabbit who just saw a rather large carrot laying about. He still couldn’t stop shaking.

He still had time to figure out what to do with the eggs, if he wanted to send them to a hatchery where they might someday grow up in a normal society, not a fort of rejects.  Was that even an option? No, of course not. His dream had been right about one thing. Most of the brood _had_ to be redbloods… Just like him and Karkat. He clenched his teeth, hand balling up in the fabric of his blanket. His chest hurt and he could hardly breath without it turning into sobbing. It did.

A string in his heart tightened at this, his lip growing into a line as he rubbed his eyes. He had been crying in his sleep, he realized, weak to the emotions that overwhelmed him. No, he couldn’t get rid of these eggs. They weren’t just his, they were Karkats. Rejecting these eggs was like tossing away any feelings that were there. Just because he was scared it shouldn’t mean whatever he carried should suffer. Just because he hated being part of the process of propagating their species didn’t mean it wasn’t important. With how small their populace was now, if this had happened anywhere but inside the orphanage, he would have been praised for carrying such a blood rich with future breeding slaves. It made him sick, angry even to know that the children he harbored inside would grow up into this dying civilization.

Dave groaned and fell back down on his bed, laying there and staring at his speckled ceiling. It wasn’t long before an earthquake raked his body, demanding food. Dave groaned again, rolling to his side and clutching his belly. He had been eating more and it was pretty fucking obvious why.

“Stupid fucking pregnancy.” He pulled his pillow from under his head and put it over, pushing it to the side of his face as he resented every moment of his body demanding nourishment. In the end however, bare feet found their way to a suncoat and his shades. The suncoat felt only inches above the floor, protecting his body from the red giant their planet orbited. Even their sun was dying with them. He wouldn’t live to see it extinguished or turn into a black hole but he knew it would someday. Every Alternian knew that. He wouldn’t mind a black hole, not if it destroyed all the pain and suffering of him and people like him. He put his protective gear on while his stomach protested him at being slow to fill. Flipping the orange hood over his horns, Dave brushed his bangs out of his face, not even bothering to secure the buttons on the hood and went outside. He knew better than to look up at the sun, lest he burn his eyes and face off. The ground was hot to his feet and he wished he had slippers or something, walking in just his socks had been a mistake and crossing the courtyard and two hallways to raid the kitchen was torture.  
It seemed the instinct to find food was stronger however and he made it in. And promptly took out random fruits and vegetables to snack on. He did not want to cook at the moment, just fill the holes he felt in his body with sustenance. How typically like a broodmother. He hated himself for it, he hated Karkat for doing it to him. However, even if he did hate it, part of him felt content with it. He liked Karkat and for some unknown reason, carrying his clutch wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. It couldn’t be ascertained as to why he didn’t hate it with every fiber of his being, just enough to be mad about it. Redblood instinct or no, he was strangely complacent about it. He didn’t try anything brash outside of walking out in the sun like a moron to feed the cravings he had. Namely, taking a tomato and slicing it in half before sprinkling salt on it and eating it raw. It was a stupid craving yet he couldn’t help it. Pregnancy and hormones were the dominatrix of this relationship and Dave it’s bitch.

He ate in solitude and silence, just looking around the kitchen. The orphanage was silent this time of day and everyone else lay in their bed. He heard footsteps, turning his head towards the door. It seemed he wasn’t the only one unable to sleep.

“Oh. Thought I heard someone moving around.”

Dave shrugged, looking away from Karkat. He wondered what kept the other up, he wasn’t the one craving terrible food choices like blue salt infused vegetables. Dave took another juicy bite of his tomato, licking his fingers off once the vegetable proceeded to travel down towards his proteinsack.

“It’s fine, was just eating vegetables. Been craving them lately.” Dave stood, walking towards the crate full of tomatoes and grabbed another plump blue fruit.

“Dave. Tomatoes are fruits.” Dave looked at Karkat a moment in bewilderment before setting the tomato down on the cutting board and slicing it up.

“That can’t be right, it tastes too vegetable like to be considered a fruit. Fruits are sweet and tomatoes don’t fit that bill at all.” Dave took a bite just to check if his tastebuds were malfunctioning and tomatoes actually were sweet. No, just as acidic as ever.

“Yes but if you look at the vitamin content and the way the plant grows, it’s a fruit. Scientists who lived eons before either of us was hatched deemed it a fruit.” Karkat motioned with his hands as he spoke, acting like he knew everything when it came to the blue plant.

“Then why do we eat it like a side serving to actual meals? It can only be a vegetable. Not to mention tomato sauce tastes nothing like applesauce. Plus fruits you flavor with sugar and vanilla and other such things. Plus, you can’t make pie with tomatoes, only fruits.” Dave sat down, licking his fingers as a chunk of the innards ended up on his hand.

“Pizza is a pie.” Karkat nodded, going to get his own tomato. Not only that, his own bread and cheese to make a sandwich. He made two, one for each of them. Dave gladly took his and bit into it. Way better than just a raw tomato.

“Only technically. Besides, you don’t put fruits into sandwiches or salads.” The sandwich was good at least.

“There’s three components of a pie. Crust, filling and top crust. Pizza’s filling is tomato sauce. I agree at not putting fruits into a salad, except cluckbeast salad. If you cut up almonds really thin and grapes, it’s fruit. And nuts. I don’t know why it’s a good tasting combo. But that is besides the point, it is still a fruit. You can troggle it if you need.”

“Yeah, I would. If we had actual internet in this place. You have educational CDs not to mention you are running an ancient program on the ten actual computers within the orphanage. For all you know, the tomato had been reclassified from a fruit to a vegatable.”

“In the past 30 sweeps since that program was created?” Karkat shrugged. Dave had noticed Karkat wasn’t very up to date with technology. He knew how to use a DVD player, which even a two sweep old could make function. It was a wonder their security system worked at all.

“Yes, very much so. Now why the fuck are we even arguing about this? This is the dumbest conversation I have ever partaken in.” Dave finished his sandwich, going to get a glass of water to flush the taste of it down. Just having the aftertaste of the sandwich in his mouth was making him hungry.

“Well, it is middle of the day and neither of us has gotten much rest. I’ve been having nightmares.” Dave turned towards Karkat after stating this. He realized then he had left his raw tomato half eaten. Dave rolled his eyes, picking up a slice of his tomato and stuffing it in his mouth. “Why do you think I’m here? I had a bad dream and the best remedy is always raiding the fridge middle of the day.”

“Really? I just thought you were craving strange pregnancy food.” Dave frowned at Karkat’s comment, biting his lower lip. He had tons of strange cravings the past few days. Even after eating something nutritious, he was craving chocolate and marshmallows. Perhaps between a sweet cracker. S’mores. He wanted them. The only thing barring him from making some were the lack of marshmallows. Not to mention the supply of chocolate powder was low and he did not want to deal with making chocolate middle of the day. Besides, by the time it would be ready the other inhabitants of the orphanage would be awake.

“Yeah. My dream kind of...sucked a lot?” Dave shut his eyes as vivid flashes of the dream flashed across his mind.  Dave leaned forward in his chair, trying to push the thoughts aside.

“Anything you care to divulge?”

Dave heard a few steps towards him and opened his eyes, Karkat putting his hand comfortingly on his shoulder. He didn’t really want to talk about the nightmare with Karkat, he would worry. Last thing he needed to do was stress Karkat even more and leave the orphanage vulnerable to attack.

“Not really. Probably just nightmare’s induced by this pregnancy.”

“Dave. I can’t say this enough but I’m really fucking sorry alright? You would probably still be asleep and so would I. I still feel bad about what happened and nothing I say will fix what I did.”

Dave shrugged, brushing Karkat’s hand off his body. “Nothing we can do about it now. I’m pregnant and the only means of solving it is waiting.”

“I know that but you’re suffering because of me.”

“Karkat, I’ll be fine, honest.”

Dave said the lie like it was nothing, trying to give Karkat some kind of relief from all the stress he had. This clutch was stressful on them both but most of all Karkat. He was filled with guilt and it showed clearly on his face. Dave couldn’t miss seeing it, so anything he could do to make it so Karkat didn’t have to carry around the weight of the world on his shoulders, he would do.

“You should go back to bed, I’m just going to finish this and go myself. I’m just...feeding the eggs I guess.” He looked down, frowning a bit. The eggs were nowhere near hatching. The entire time Dave had to endure this, he at least wanted Karkat to not feel like that. He would bear this alone, even if the only thing he wanted to do currently was hug Karkat and cover the other’s shirt in his wet emotions. He wanted to cry, let loose the dam he had built up the past few days and just let it flow.

“Dave….I --” Dave shook his head, silencing Karkat.

“You don’t owe me anything. Just let me deal with this clutch. It’s not your problem.”

“What do you mean it’s not my problem? Dave I’m the damned clutchfather. I did this to you and it’s my fault.”

Dave frowned, eyebrows knit together in apprehension. “It’s both our fault. I didn’t lock the door and I’m the one who spread my legs. We were both under the effects of my heat. Not a whole lot of things we can do now, just...deal with it.”

“I know. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to help and support you through this.”  
“Karkat, you already are. You’re helping me just being here. You’ve been here for me ever since Crowbro died. Hell, you were there for me before we even met. Your story, the one where you are the first redblood to say no, it was inspiring. I doubt I’m the first to feel this way but,” Dave took a deep breath, biting his lower lip before leaning towards Karkat.

“I know I can’t be the only one of our kind who feels like what is going on is wrong. Most redbloods don’t even know who their clutchfather is ‘cause of how many trolls they get raped by. I at least have that knowledge and I’m **_relieved_ ** by it. The eggs however? I’m nervous as fuck. I’ve never done this before and the eggs we have here now were rejects of the hatchery. These grubs that I have growing in me, will have both their parents. We both know the ancient stories of how trolls used to have actual families. Well, we’re going back to the way things were so long ago. We’re actually going to be a family. A fucked up violent family but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Dave didn’t know what else to do after his forceful rant so he leaned towards Karkat and kissed him softly on the lips, trying to express the thousands of emotions he was feeling. Karkat kissed back. It wasn’t a heated rushed kiss either, just a soft show of affection. Dave liked it and he pulled back smiling. Karkat was smiling back and Dave laughed nervously. Karkat pulled him flush against him and Dave beamed a wide smile into the crook of the other’s neck.

“I love you.” Dave didn’t know what made him say it but it felt right. All the emotions, even if they were intensified by his clutch, made him want to scream the words out. Whispering them like this worked too. Karkat clutched the back of his shirt and looked down, a smile on his face.

“I --Dave....”

Dave watched Karkat after those words, his heart frozen in his throat. Karkat didn’t feel the same. Of course not, they only had sex because of instincts. How did he fall in love with such a man? His idol? Dave swallowed, trying to drown the taste of tomatoes in his mouth. Karkat didn’t seem to feel the same and Dave wanted to cry. Hormones no doubt. Karkat pulled him close against his chest and just held him there.

“Doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.” Karkat ran his hand through Dave’s hair, trying to comfort him, ease the tension in his shoulders. Dave bit his lip, wondering if that was just how it was going to be. Karkat said he was going to take care of him and nothing more. He wasn’t going to emotionally involve himself and that was the worst kind of wound.

This close however, Dave couldn’t help but relax in Karkat’s arms. The arms of the clutchfather of his brood. The scent of Karkat filled Dave’s nostrils and he relaxed in the embrace, just standing there, tired and weary. It was still light out and he just wanted to go back to sleep. He found himself following Karkat back to his room once his hunger was sated, laying down next to the troll. Karkat didn’t even ask him to leave and Dave was grateful for that. He was surrounded by the scent and it was relaxing. Even if this attraction was one sided, at least Karkat wasn’t pushing him away. It was nice and the warm embrace behind him let him drift off easier. He shut his eyes and drifted off back to sleep. No more nightmares came.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! So...I finished this chapter back around the time 18 was done, but I had no time to do the artwork until this week. I'm really happy with how it turned out. Finding a place to upload it? Not so happy. Like daaamn.  
> ALSO! Finally decided to let you suckers in on what I've been listening to while writing: Anyways, Chapter 20 I'm not sure when I will have time to work on since I am extremely busy rest of the month. I just happened to have 3 days of nothing. Least I got to hug a koala.
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	20. Around in Circles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and Karkat’s relationship seems to have come to a standstill. No doubt the cause being Dave’s pregnancy. Will Karkat continue to keep his distance? Or will he own up to it and finally let Dave into his heart and make up for lost time? How does Dave even feel about what’s happening inside his body? And what about when he finally has to face reality? His heart belonged to Dave, there was no changing that. Either the elder was in denial or they really did fail in their mission to remain free from the status quo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Surprisingly, none.  
> I made a typo in the previous chapter. Karkat kissed back, not hissed. Just clearing up some confusion. It has been fixed but just a small note for those who have already read the chapter. I was in a no internet zone for a week and it took me 3 days to notice it after I got back to the main place I’m staying because I had SO. MUCH. LAUNDRY. Not to mention I just got back from vacation during which I wrote a lot of NHEA.

Karkat was still regretting what he had done, kissing Dave had brought up all kinds of complicated feelings. The well in his chest filled and the suffocating feeling of remorse at his actions and anger at himself just wouldn’t go away. A perigee had passed since he had destroyed the trust Dave had for him. At least that was the way Karkat saw it, for all he knew Dave was foolish and still put an ounce of faith in him. He was a direct cause of Dave’s suffering and he was sickened that he thought he still had a right to be happy with him. He couldn’t control himself around the other redblood and that wouldn’t change in the future as much as he wanted it to. It was likely that during the next heat after these eggs were laid, Karkat would only attack him again. It was too difficult to resist him and Karkat didn’t even know where to start.

He knew exactly why he felt this way. Those who mated redbloods often saw them as theirs, property to be used. It was a combination of what he had been taught trolls viewed redbloods as well as his own instinctual feelings. He had always thought those who challenged the fortress had done it out of instinct, not out of wanting more to call their own. Karkat wanted to call Dave his own, hold him while the words mine passed his lips. It pissed him off to no end that he of all people wanted Dave that way. He was in the same fucking position and that should have been enough for him to understand that no, Dave was no one’s property.

Least of all his.

He was angry at himself. He wanted to throw up or beat his thick cranium against something hard, like a wall. Why not, there was one a good three feet away. He didn’t deserve the way Dave was treating him.

As the pregnancy progressed, Dave kept pushing closer to him, sending soft glances and warm smiles that he couldn’t help but return. He couldn’t help when a smile overtook his features when Dave said something cute, or the laugh that bellowed through his lungs when he said something funny. Karkat didn’t even try to push him away, just let his rough demeanour fall when he was around Dave.

Karkat was pulled from his thoughts and threw his pen at the desk in frustration, frowning at the unfinished paperwork sitting before him. The merchants he dealt with were getting more demanding lately with the furs they were to provide saying that the demand was higher than ever. He couldn’t even regulate it either, what he was doing wasn’t exactly legal. He was a wanted criminal(for what, not opening his legs?) after all and these merchants were sticking their necks out for him. Keeping the exact location of the orphanage secret, an agreement he was shocked actually worked. He knew any day that a tongue could slip but the risk was necessary. The orphanage couldn’t self sustain itself all the time, some communication with civilization was needed. Most of the merchants had ties to some of the wrigglers who eventually left, which he supposed made it easier.

Karkat groaned, resting his head on his desk, trying to think about anything other than the pulsing desire to grab a merchant by the hair and throw them to the ground as hard as physically possible. His thoughts were quick to drift to Dave. He had a headache now, his wish to stuff his not lusii feelings towards Dave in the trashcan where they belonged. Especially the ones which urged him to see just how loud he could make Dave scream. He tinted red at that thought, resting his head on the desk and staring at the pencil cup shaped like a fish. He had no idea who got him this cup, nor did he currently care. His mind was on Dave.

Karkat had to distract himself.

Working on this while his head was screaming at him with thoughts running in the wrong direction and diverting them back on track was fucking impossible. He decided that a walk through the orphanage would clear his head, ease some of the pain off. He didn’t even get a say as his feet directing him to Dave’s room out of habit. Karkat glared at the planks of the door before him before dragging his hand down his face. What was he doing here? Being close wasn’t helping. He kind of understood John’s actions during his own heat now. If this wasn’t history repeating itself, then he didn’t know what it could be. He was pretty sure if Crabdad wasn’t there in time Karkat would have fallen that day. He wasn’t going to lie to himself, fate was laughing at him from the irony of the situation.He did not need this at all.

He was about to turn around, return to doing anything except hovering over Dave’s door like a moth to the flame. Karkat clenched and unclenched his hand as his body urged him to go and knock on the door, have a proper conversation with Dave like he was supposed to. They had to clear up any misconceptions about what kind of relationship they had. That relationship being none.

Who was he kidding?

Karkat pitied Dave, deeply. Horns over heels. He was never going to let Dave know. The relationship was too fucked up to work even if he wanted it too. He was not going to acknowledge that he had fallen for Dave and would focus his attention elsewhere. If Dave flirted flush with him, he would redirect all those emotions pale. He would tell his heart and bulge to get with the program and stop aching each time he thought of Dave.

Dave chose that moment to open the door, blinking in confusion at Karkat’s chest before glancing up. Karkat grimaced, trying to come up with any excuse as to why he was just beyond the door. Every excuse he could come up with was coming up short. Dave was just staring up at him with those calm red eyes of his and Karkat swore he felt a bead of sweat travel down his back.

“Uhm uh...Hey. I’m just..Uh….Yes.”

Karkat cleared his throat. He was an utter failure at this and after a short awkward silence Dave chuckled, then stepped forward and shut the door behind him. They were closer now and Karkat found himself breathing shallowly, doing his best to ignore the scent that Dave gave off. It told him to stay close, even if logically he knew that could only end badly. He needed the other troll pressed up against him, in the bed underneath him and --. He was going to cut that thought short, even more disgusted at himself. He flushed red as he mentally stuffed that disturbing image into a deep hole in his mind.

It was totally healthy to feel attraction towards Dave and disgust at himself at the same time. He weighed whether or not to just let his feelings on the matter work themselves out before he was suddenly looking away in a hurry. Dave hadn’t even fucking blinked while Karkat was monologuing like some bad vintage cartoon villain. The silence was agonizing and he had to say something before Dave did. He locked eyes with the other, Dave glancing past his shoulder. Dave probably felt the same conflict. Dave wasn’t expressing it but...Karkat let out a sigh, glancing away from Dave.

 _Project onto a nine sweep kid that he's got some kind of fucked up crush on you. We all know who the one with the damaged thinkpan is and it's not Dave._ Karkat’s mind was pulled abruptly from his turmoil with the clearing of Dave’s throat. _Oh fuck he was going to bring it up and this entire stalemate would end badly and --._

“You know, you’re kind of blocking my way. I really need to get something to eat and I don’t exactly have the easiest time moving around with…” Dave took a deep breath as his hand rubbed his swollen belly. “Look, there has to be a reason you were standing outside my door and do not say you got lost. That’s a load of bullshit and we both know it.”

Red eyes glanced up at Karkat and he couldn’t help the sweat that rolled down his face. Dave was looking right through him, like the damn guy fucking knew his thoughts were far from just worried about the _damned troll he knocked up._

“I’m going to grab some food, we can talk on the way.”

Karkat nodded, stepping aside. He was going to avoid the shit out of talking about feelings. Thus, he let Dave take the reins here.

“Any idea what keeps happening to all the tomatoes and bacon? We're running out of them pretty fast.”

Karkat smirked at Dave’s question, his eyes following him as they walked down the hallway towards the kitchen.

“That’s because you keep making BLT’s for all your meals. You’re like a pregnant re- Actually scratch that. You are a pregnant redblood.” Bad joke aside, he couldn’t help but chuckle. He really shouldn’t be making fun of Dave for being pregnant, he was sort of the reason the younger troll was even in this predicament in the first place. Besides, Dave was rolling his eyes in exasperation at Karkat’s lackluster joke.

“Can we please not spend every moment of every day talking about that? Yes, I get it. I have eggs in me that I’ll end up laying whether I want to or not. It’s something I have to take responsibility for and I know that. You just keep taking care of the wrigglers here and...I’ll figure something out. This isn’t your problem. You’re not my matesprit or anything.”

Karkat stopped walking, staring after Dave. The lack of a matching pair of footsteps caused Dave to halt, looking back at Karkat. Karkat couldn’t help the tightening knot in his chest at those words. Yeah, he wasn’t Dave’s matesprit, he had no right to be but yet the yearning to keep Dave happy and sane during this entire ordeal was there.

Not his problem? That was absurd. It was his problem moment he stopped using his thinkpan and started using his bulge. Dave didn’t need to shoulder all his burdens especially not at only nine sweeps. Hell, when Karkat was nine he was barely managing to keep his instincts in check and the grubs he had safe. Yeah, Crabdad was there. He had a home, a system to keep him safe. But Dave, that was something that Karkat had failed to provide, Dave wasn’t safe as long as he was carrying eggs. He needed the support. He needed Karkat.

“I could be if you wanted.” There, he said it. He was offering his pity up for Dave, just like some fucked up little voice in the sky wanted him to. This was inevitable anyways. Two redbloods in one castlehive? Yeah, he was an idiot for thinking that would work.

“No.” Dave said it awfully quickly, like he knew Karkat would say it. Karkat didn’t see that one coming at all. Still, despite being shocked by Dave’s words, he was going to keep talking.

“Why not? We both know you had a crush on me at one point. Let me reprocate it and make this as okay as possible. We both know it’s a fucked up situation but there isn’t much we can do at this point.”

“Karkat --” Dave let out a tired sigh, rubbing his temple and leaning against the wall. His hand fell to the bump on his stomach, looking down. “Yeah, these are ours. That doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to be my matesprit. I know the feelings aren’t there and just… I can’t let you do that.”

His voice sounded strained, like it hurt to say. Karkat could feel his heart fill with pity. Karkat reached a hand out for him, trying to make it seem okay. He had to make Dave believe his words were sincere.

Dave pulled his hand away like he had been burned, eyes glaring at Karkat and filled with rage. His voice sounded strained as he spoke, like it was hard. Karkat knew he couldn’t help it, pregnancy hormones made Dave go from calm to riled in seconds. Yet Karkat’s chest froze, unable to place just why seeing Dave like this felt like a wound.

“You know I like you, you confronted me about it ages ago. What’s changed? The fact you fucked me? I’ve tried to hold back how I feel, how much I fucking wanted you. And then you...you avoided me for fucking weeks!” Dave turned, a low growl escaping. “You’re just thinking of yourself and trying to relieve the guilt of what you did! I should’ve known to leave and...and…”

Dave’s mood flipped again, breaking down into tears as he hugged Karkat, unable to do anything.

“You’re so fucking stupid and unfair. You can’t just say you’ll be my matesprit just out of the blue like that. I fucking wish I could say yes but I can’t. You’re just trying to put things right and relationships just don’t fucking happen at the drop of a hat. Yeah we bred but we didn’t do it like we should have. We’re not a quadrant and I don’t think we _can_ be so… so… God. I know you Karkat, you’re too damn stubborn to flip your feelings like this. Even if you’re trying. If I were stupid yeah, I would let you but… I can’t be with you if you’re not really into it. That’s bad for both of us.”

Dave looked like he had lost his train of thought. Karkat was speechless as well. Actions spoke louder than words and his spoke loud and clear.

Karkat kissed Dave, pulling him close, making sure to be soft and gentle. Dave jerked with surprise and froze for a moment as if in shock. Karkat made to pull away, apologize but that didn’t have to as Dave reciprocated the kiss. Karkat eagerly pulled him closer, trying to get lost in the moment. Karkat couldn’t say he was in love, not out loud anyways. Probably not to the point of matespritship but enough for _something_ to be there. He pulled away, a soft smile on his face.

“I’m not forcing anything. I do pity you, a lot. I mean, maybe this wasn’t so much a mistake as destiny? I want to be there for you. If not as a matesprit, least as a mate. I can’t let you do this alone.”

Karkat realized he was speaking with his heart more than anything, unable to really think about this logically. He just wanted to see Dave smile again. Dave did and Karkat couldn’t help but smile back as the other tilted his head up to reach his lips again. Karkat bent his head down and kissed Dave. Dave melted into the fresh kiss with him.

Karkat told himself this very clearly, he would be a mate to Dave, do everything his instincts wanted when it came to taking care of the kid he had knocked up. He would be Dave’s mate for as long as it took. For all he knew maybe the feeling of guilt would go away and he would feel something more than just anger at himself and pity for Dave. He wanted to love him like the kid fucking deserved. He would be what Dave needed, do what his heart told him to do. If he was being honest with himself, he already knew he was far too deep into the rabbit hole at this point to turn back. He was lost in the ocean of pity he felt for Dave and if that lasted sweeps then Karkat was perfectly capable of that. Dave needed him and he would be there. Dave was not his quadrant, not his anything, Karkat was going to keep his heatraping hands off in any capacity that wasn’t necessary to either of them. The most he would do was kiss him and that was enough it seemed, as Dave wrapped an arm around Karkat’s shoulder and Karkat found himself pulling him in by the waist.

This was alright, right? He could keep doing this, just make Dave feel wanted. Who the fuck was he kidding? He was falling for the kid One hundred percent. Still, he held Dave's hand, purred to his nervous whines and smoothed every comforting, platonic touch down the kid's body that he could think of. He stocked up on the supplies for Dave’s never ending cravings (as well as food for the wrigglers, can’t forget those) and it just went from there.

Both redbloods knew the risk of their coupling. Karkat poured over every book he could find, every article in the empire’s database. Securing the computer for it was a pain in the ass but this entire thing was a pain in the ass. Karkat's research into redbloods coupling with others of their kind was... fucked up, to say the least. A program that had involved thousands of matings with several mutants had yielded about five surviving eggs and the medical reports made it clear that they had not been healthy.

Karkat's stomach churned. New redbloods came from spontaneous mutations in normal broods but the failed eggs had been rejected from their broodmothers quickly. In the best case, Dave would lose the eggs inside him and they could go about their merry lives and pretend this never happened. If Dave forgave him, that was. If he forgave himself, too, which he highly doubted would happen unless oinkbeasts flew.

His mistake and Dave's body --and he still wanted them. He did. It wasn't his decision or his right. He couldn't blame Dave if he never wanted to see the eggs again. But Karkat wanted them to live, to be healthy and ridiculous and smirk like Dave. He needed to stop thinking about Dave like this, it was getting worse. He was falling in deeper. Like a fool, he had spent too much time with Dave and basked in their combined pheromones. Dave was acting like Karkat was the most important thing in the room.

Weeks passed and Dave was still carrying. Actually, the pregnancy was going well enough, given that it was **PREGNANCY**. Dave was hormonal, uncomfortable and his stomach was in the way. Karkat found himself in Dave’s presence more than necessary. Though, based on how cranky Dave got if he was gone far too long, it was just enough. He liked focusing all his attention on Dave. He could not keep his hands off; he was constantly cuddling, nuzzling and brushing against Dave. He felt calmer when he did and he could tell Dave craved it too. Karkat’s lips were starting to chafe with how much he was kissing Dave. Not that he could complain, the kissing was great.

It got to the point where it wasn't uncommon for Karkat to be curled around Dave whenever he wasn't dealing with the wrigglers. A lot of times they didn't make it to their respective rooms and Karkat would be holding Dave all night, waking up when Dave did like he had some kind of weird telepathy and purring him back to sleep.

It was one of those nights he found himself questioning if this was alright. Dave was asleep and Karkat just found himself musing about it. Dave was asleep on his lap, mouth slightly parted and he just looked so pure. Karkat felt like he melted just watching him. The feeling was identical to one he had felt before. He had felt it once when he was young, when he had been in love when…

 _Maybe this time will be different but how can it?_ Karkat was scared, watching Dave sleep next to him. This was fine, it didn’t have to go further. Dave whimpered and Karkat sighed, going to gently rub at the base of Dave’s horns. Dave had been having a lot of nightmares the past few nights and Karkat wished he could fight away Dave’s demons. He had his own to contend to still, trying to keep this as platonic as possible was killing him.

Dave stopped twitching after a while, collapsing back into his dream. Karkat let go, letting his hands fall to his his hip. He wanted Dave safe and happy, he wanted to be happy himself. Watching the serene look at Dave’s face was calming for more than one reason. Karkat smiled softly, leaning down and kissing Dave on the cheek. He would let the other sleep for now, keep his wanted affections secret. Dave didn’t need to know how he felt, after all it would just complicate things. Even so, Dave made him happy. He realized this, if not a bit reluctantly. Karkat would deny he was happy until his voice turned hoarse. He didn’t deserve Dave whom in his eyes was perfect. Ignoring that little voice which told him to do more and open up was becoming more difficult by the day.

Karkat shifted, laying back down on his pillow, watching Dave’s face lay in serenity as he slept. Karkat wanted to do so much for Dave and he would let his instincts lead his actions, knowing that it would mean Dave had an easier time with the pregnancy. Even if he felt like his heart was seizing every time he held back his emotions he would keep a distance. He didn’t want to hurt and once these eggs were gone, life would go back to normal. He would forget how he felt and hopefully so would Dave.

It didn’t help that he was overwhelmingly protective at this point. The bigger kids backed off with one strong glare from their lusus. Not one of them asked why Dave's stomach was swelling, nor did they give Dave the smallest iota of crap about it. It was debatable over whether this was compassion or the fact that most of them had a deep-rooted fear of exactly what suffering their lusus would visit upon them if they pissed him off that bad. The little ones would not be deterred. Karkat was perpetually herding them away and distracting them with games and feeling like he needed a little wriggler cage or something. He was periodically leaning over to nuzzle against Dave's throat before Dave could look any more liable to punt one of them across the courtyard. The longer Dave incubated, the more hostile and hormonal he was. It was no wonder no one really saw pregnant redbloods out in public back in the city. It was like a permanent bloodrage and Dave was outright terrifying most of the time. Karkat found it funny he was able to pull Dave out of those moments with a simple touch or kiss.

Mostly the kissing, when Dave melted against him. He found that he liked it more than he should, cupping Dave’s face as he made out with the other. Sometimes it was just a quick chaste kiss, other times… Things got intense. Especially if it was daytime and they were shut inside one room or the other. Karkat knew it was becoming a problem when he would wake up wet for Dave and his bulge threatening to unsheathe. He knew it was a problem yet he was dumb enough to toss caution to the wind. His instincts and lust for the boy were completely out of hand he just let it happen.

It was when he found his tongue halfway down Dave’s throat that he realized what was happening. This couldn’t be love, could it? No, it had to be lust. He couldn’t fall in love, not again. Dave reached up and grabbed him by the ears and kissed him. Karkat melted into it, wrapping his arms around Dave.

His care whether this war wrong was gone. He felt _something_ Dave so much that he couldn’t even remember why it was a bad idea. He hated himself so much about what he had done. Dave washed away his hatred for himself, making him forget what it even felt like. It was love he realized as he traced Dave’s lips with his tongue, pulling the other mutant closer. The love Dave gave, the innocence and purity made his heart skip a beat. Karkat had no idea what he even did to deserve Dave, he didn’t do anything really but he was happy to lay in bed with him and just _be._ Dave let him, pulling him close.

Even if this wasn’t a matespritship, he wanted something with the redblood carrying his brood. A brood he didn’t know how to feel about but his just the same.

“Dave…”

“Yeah?” Dave ghosted his breath over Karkat’s lips not even pulling away from the kiss.

“Are we still just nothing?” Dave pulled back, watching Karkat a moment, thinking. Karkat felt his breath seize, which was stupid. He shouldn’t feel action about whether Dave saw them as anything more than just breeding partners.

“I don’t know.” That answer hurt more than it should. Karkat sighed, leaning back in the bed. His own this time it seemed, not sure how they got there again. Whatever, he cupped Dave’s face.  
“That’s okay. I’m still figuring it out myself. If we end up matesprits though, I would like that.”

“Really? We both know that will be hard. One or both of us will be pregnant constantly… Heat’s won’t stop just because we’re in love.”

“I know. You know what though? I kind of don’t mind. Not if it’s with you.”

Dave scoffed, giving a smirk. “That’s because you’re not the one pregnant.”

“Don’t ruin the moment.”

Dave laughed, throttling Karkat with a pillow. “You’re dumb.”

“You’re dumber.” Karkat retorted, humming as he pulled the pillow into his lap and prevented it from being used as a weapon.

“You’re dumberest.” Dave smirked, trying to pull the pillow loose from Karkat’s grip. Karkat wasn’t letting him.

“That’s not a word.” Karkat pulled the pillow out of Dave’s reach, holding it over his head.

“So?” Dave sat up, reaching for it. Karkat stood on the bed, keeping it as high as he could until Dave grabbed the edge of his sweater and pulled it down, hitting Karkat in the face with it.

“That’s breaking so many rules of combat.”

“All’s fair in love and war.” Dave smirked, picking up another pillow and hitting Karkat with both. Karkat shielded himself with his arms, laughing as Dave assaulted him. Dave was right, all was fair in these matters. Fighting for their freedom, for their lives. For…

 _The ability to love, to love each other._ He just hoped he kept having moments like these. One’s where he could be happy and free with the troll he cared for the most. Oh who was kidding? This wasn’t just a pair of trolls who bred. He loved Dave, there was no other way of putting it. Dave caught him off guard by driving into him, making him fall back on the bed and smirked down at him, leaning forward into a kiss.

 _Yeah, this is nice_. Karkat kissed back happily, content for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a typo in the previous chapter. Karkat kissed back, not hissed. Just clearing up some confusion. It has been fixed but just a small note for those who have already read the chapter. I was in a no internet zone for a week and it took me 3 days to notice it after I got back to the mainland because I had SO. MUCH. LAUNDRY. Not to mention I just got back from vacation during which I wrote a lot of NHEA.  
> Thank you for reading/commenting/kudoing this! It means a lot to me. Like, I **never** thought this fic would end up so popular? It’s kind of crazy to me since there are so many fics on this site and every single one of you mean a lot to me. It’s just...wow. Thank you once again.  
>  See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)
> 
> That being said, this is Karkat in a nutshell: [X](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqDaoMtIujs)


	21. Doubts like Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Denial is a terrible thing to be in and Karkat thinks it’s high time to stop drowning in his. Can he wash the anxiety and fear of feeling anything for Dave or is he doomed to suffer? Only one way to move on, he had to talk to Dave. Kind of difficult seeing as he was days away from his heat. There was no way something wouldn’t happen due to a lack of inhibitions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Sexual situations and fluff. This chapter has porn.

Dave loathed just how big he was getting. Sure the attention from Karkat was nice but he still wasn’t sure whether it was genuine or not. He was mature enough to realize this was just hormones and hopefully just a phase.

Being around Karkat made it better. God, Karkat’s constant kisses were the best. Dave often grazed his lips with his hand, the feeling of Karkat kissing and tugging on them remaining. He wanted more that just kissing. It seemed Karkat did as well even if the asshole kept insisting they weren’t quadrants. Dave could see right through that lie that was for sure. They argued this thoroughly and insisting this was nothing but hormones only to find themselves back in Karkat's room, kissing.

Dave didn’t even question if this was hormones or quadrants or whatever, he just felt a hungry need to be around Karkat. At least while the other wasn’t busy doing maintenance on the orphanage.

It had rained and the roof was leaking more than he remembered. Possible storm damage. The safety of the fortress was failing and when Karkat wasn’t around Dave he was busy tending to the security of the walls. Then the shield generators all decided to break at once and a bunch of the little kids petitioned for new books. Everyone needed Karkat and there simply wasn’t enough to go around. Dave had never seen Karkat like this, he had always been calm and collected. But this time he had blown everything off. Dave wanted to help but couldn’t.

Dave could see the frustration on Karkat’s face and he wished he could help more. He felt helpless in this situation. Frustration did not look good on Karkat. The shipment of food Karkat was expecting didn't come in and he had no idea what had happened to it.

Dave was upset about it too, he had run out of sandwich supplies after all. There was still plenty to eat --they grew a fair bit on the grounds and game was plentiful. But everyone was getting a little bit sick of roasted meat and a handful of greens for every meal and Dave didn't blame them. He was pregnant redblood and that was making him temperamental. The same food routine was driving him mad.

Karkat was busy enough that as Dave started to act possessive(couldn’t help it), it went over Karkat's head and the elder just kept focusing on what he was doing. Dave assumed it was just a bad mood or maybe something along the lines of jealousy now that Karkat was beginning to not be wrapped around him all the time. He had grown used the other other being close and all over him at this point. They both wanted to be close just a little too much and knew that the feelings weren't where they should be.

Even if Karkat kept repeating that he’ll be there for him, it wasn’t the same as a matesprit. Dave knew that whatever this was ruled by how guilty Karkat felt about breeding him. He wished the other would just fucking get over it and decide whether his feelings were involved in this or not. It was frustrating and Dave was on the edge of beating Karkat with the nearest blunt object. He kept telling himself it wasn’t the hormones from the pregnancy but that was a load of bullshit.

Distance was needed, he had to get away from Karkat. It seemed almost impossible, instinct had them constantly following the other. That or when they were in the same room, Dave got a bit too close and Karkat didn’t even try to avoid the glances he gave. Plus being pregnant made him moody. Did the universe suddenly decide every little wriggler was asking to be punted across the yard? Even the older kids were starting to grate on his nerves. He swore he was going to lose it. He kept his cool however, for a good two perigees.

Dave finally was pushed too far --taking a couple of the big kids over the coals when they'd spent the afternoon suffering with Karkat through generator repairs; Karkat tried to lecture him and it turned... wrong. Dave forgot everything about keeping away, keeping the relationship platonic. He already knew he didn’t want it that way and he had enough. He growled as he pushed Karkat against the wall, claws digging into Karkat’s shoulders.  
“You’re not my damned quadrant, so stop trying to act like you have any trace of feelings for me.”

Dave’s eye’s hurt. Too much crying, and with the red he was seeing his pupils had probably contracted into slits. Karkat didn’t struggle under the grip.

“It’s not just guilt. I know you’re mad at me and --.”

Dave cut him off with a growl. How fucking _dare_ Karkat say he felt nothing then flip it around just because they had...had...

“It’s not worth it.” Dave let go, stepping back. “I want you, I do, but we both know it’s not real; is it? You’ve not once said you love me. This is all just guilt and --Fuck. Why does it hurt? It hurt back when you said no the first time but now it just is a constant ache and it’s all because we fucked. I know it was just heat sex but damn. I can’t get over it. I want to and---”

Karkat cut him off with a kiss. He wanted to pull back, bite and growl. He didn’t, just melting into the kiss. Dave felt like a complete and total moron, letting Karkat under his skin like that. He relaxed under the kiss, returning it. He had no idea how but he was the one against the wall now and being under Karkat’s arms felt _good._

 **“** Damn you…” Dave hiccuped, watching Karkat’s eyes.

Another kiss, another blissful moment. He wanted to pretend, just let this be pity and red. Dave was letting his past feelings influence him. He let them, being lied to was so much better than being wound tighter than a spring loaded box. He let Karkat lead him to his room, not even noticing they were walking there until the door was in view.

Dave followed Karkat into his room, looking around bashfully trying to keep his eyes off Karkat. He didn’t get that moment to himself to clear his thoughts. Karkat was against him again and nipping at his neck. This was far from just the chaste kisses they had in the past, this was full of passion. This felt like what happened when they had slept together so many weeks ago. Dave moaned, arms wrapped around Karkat as he tipped his head back, letting Karkat mark him.

It wasn’t until he was pressed down into the mattress that he noticed the scent that was coming off Karkat.He failed to notice the scent coming off Karkat until he was pressed down into the bed. Karkat’s heat was due any day now. Soon neither of them would be fit enough think clearly about anything. Their self control would waver and there were only so many places that would lead. Dave held his palm down on Karkat’s chest, looking up at him.

“Karkat, stop. I know you’re like this because of your heat, but we’ve got to think this through. You can’t get pregnant too. I’ll fucking leave.”

“I know. I’ve been thinking about it ever since I realized how I feel, and I…” Karkat sat up, trying to urge the words. Dave propped himself up on his elbows, waving his hand in a ‘go on’ gesture. Karkat sighed, running a hand through his hair, crimson eyes shut. “Look. I just want you to know that the main reason I distanced myself from you was because of something that happened to me when I was young. It still bothers me cause I really cared for him. I wanted him and he wanted me back. I thought it would be okay and everything was fine. It wasn’t. Redbloods don’t do well in relationships and it completely destroyed my way of thinking. Falling in love as a redblood is both the worst and the best thing that can happen. It still bothers me cause I thought I knew what I wanted but I didn’t. It’s hard and I let it control me. I shouldn’t have let it but I did. It makes what I feel for you even harder to accept. I want to, but then I remember what happened back then and I’m scared. I want something from whatever we have. Like, I know it’s not the same as before but that factor still freaks me out. I don’t want to distance myself like that again, especially not from someone I’m flushed for. I can’t always help it though. What happened back then really fucked me up and still affects me. I’m scared of getting close because of...Cause of..,” Karkat let out a deep breath. Even saying the name was hard it seemed.

“John?” Dave let it slip past his lips. He admitted he had gone snooping through some of Karkat’s older things. There were so many photos of him and John. He wasn’t just a friend, no one takes hundreds of photos of just a friend. He knew there had to be more to Karkat and him then just buddies. Now he knew. Karkat had fallen in love with John and something went bad. Well, obviously Karkat having a heat and refurbishing an old run down castle into a home had something to do with it. Dave wanted Karkat to confirm his suspicions. Karkat bit his lip and sighed.

“Yeah, him. Look. I was scared back then and I still sort of am but I don’t want that to hold me back anymore. Worst case, we stop and just cuddle or something? Because Dave, I do like you. I’m fucking flushed.” Dave stared a moment, taking it in. Karkat was flushed for him and he wanted to move on past John. He wanted an actual _now_ relationship. He wanted to move on and Dave was glad they were finally getting somewhere. It must have been hard for Karkat to open up and Dave smirked, just watching Karkat. So of course he had to ruin the moment with a bad joke.

“Yeah? Prove it.” Dave expected Karkat to just sit there, not crawl over to him and kiss him deeply. He growled into Karkat’s mouth with that action, his hands running through his hair, fingers fondling his horns. He was kissing him back enthusiastically, moaning at the pleasure of it all. Saying no to Karkat? Turning away from the door and avoiding this entire scenario?

 _Unmitigated failure._ Each gentle touch sent heat to his bulge and they kissed like they didn’t need to breathe. Karkat all but shoved his horns into Dave's hands, giving him control. Dave pulled him close and grinded against him, pregnant belly be damned. He could ignore it, most of all when his need for the other prevailed over everything else. Karkat loved it too and Dave didn’t see any problem with being the one in control here. Dave nipped at his neck, kissing down to his collarbone, his hands resting underneath Karkat’s shirt before pulling it up.

He inhaled deeply of Karkat’s scent, drunk on the subtle hints of heat of Karkat’s heat there. Dave found it tempting beyond all reason. He wanted Karkat, not just to breed him but to be flushed with him.

Even when Karkat wasn't in heat, he had wanted him. Dave’s bulge was out and his nook was damp. He kissed down Karkat's stomach, tickling the grey skin with his lips. He smirked as Karkat let out a soft moan and once he got down to his pants line. Dave glanced up momentarily and rested a hand one of his hips, while the other undid the button and released the zipper. He felt Karkat shift underneath him and made Dave his actions.

“If you’re not into this we can stop.” Dave slowly moved back, not wanting to make Karkat freak out. He knew that they had been making a mistake --. Karkat grabbed his wrist and Dave stopped.

“No, I want to do this. It’s okay. I know this is a terrible idea but I --.” He took a deep breath. “I want this.”

Dave nodded, leaning into Karkat and kissing him. His hands found it’s way his way back into Karkat’s pants and started to pull them down. He was careful to be slow. This was the first time they did this together, not just one of them being in heat and taking it. Sure, Karkat was on the edge of heat but this was...different. He couldn’t say how, but it just was.

 

***

 

Karkat didn't fucking want it. By the time Dave was at his zipper, Karkat didn't even care anymore if anyone got pailed. It was the strangest thing; his nook's hunger for mating was as overwhelming as ever. He kept getting this impulse to roll Dave over, make him moan and find out firsthand if he was ready to taste his slurry again. Presumably because he hadn't made the guy’s life hard enough already.

First time in his fucking life that he had ever wanted to breed, really wanted it. His remembered his entire thinkpan dying when Dave first started becoming heavy with his brood. Against all odds and biology and common sense, Karkat genuinely thought Dave was his mate. It was why he couldn’t keep his eyes off him nor control the shade of his face when he saw the other. It was why he was fighting with himself so much. He knew from the get go what it was, he was fucking flushed for him.

His upcoming heat hadn't happened until now because he had been scared for his chosen partner to take him. When he first turned seven it wasn’t until after he had found himself in the arms of the one he wanted to be his matesprit kissing him and making his mind turn to sludge. It explained why his first heat had happened when it did, why so many redbloods first heats happened when they were in love.Karkat had been in love then with John. But this wasn’t his childhood friend that he had pressed against him. This was someone he fell in love with all on his own without the need to feel connected to someone.

With John it had been more lust than love really, it had to have been. He didn’t just go from pale feelings to red without biology taking part. Why so often a redbloods master happened to be the person they were childhood friends with. He wondered now what would have happened had he stayed in that little neighborhood. If he would be under lock and key with John, or if he would be one of those town breeders, tasting different slurry on a daily basis.  Didn’t matter now though, that was his past.

The thing was, he never felt pale with Dave. When he finally stopped denying, it was flushed from the get go.   Dave was the now, filling his heart with what it had been yearning for some many sweeps. He wanted Dave to fuck him full of slurry and he wanted to spend the afternoon ignoring his nook entirely and just sucking Dave's bulge and rubbing fingers inside of him. The interests didn't feel like they opposed each other. He wanted to pail like any other troll in a fucking quadrant. He was so stupidly in love with this kid and utterly screwed because mutants really did not need to get concupiscent for anyone. Fuck, if Dave got them naked and put his bulge where it was supposed to go, Karkat wouldn't be making it through the night without getting a brood of Dave's eggs in his belly.

He kissed the other troll frantically, squirming out of his clothes. Pleasure clung to him like static and by the time Dave was between his legs and was pushing fingers in, Karkat had opened up his legs for him and was stroking Dave's horns with his thumbs.

Shirt gone. Pants. No more pants. With effort and a cry of pure remorse Karkat pulled Dave's hands away, and tugged him up to kiss more. Karkat got his pants flung to the floor, flushing bright red at his own failure at life. Once he got rid of Dave’s pants, he was stroking his bulge insistently, holding him close and telling himself this totally was all he'd do, nothing in anybody's nook. Totally fine. Karkat's other hand teased gently against Dave's wet entrance.

"Dave?" Karkat panted, with classically shit timing. "I'm pretty sure I’m kind of... flushed for you."

Karkat didn’t really get a reply, just another kiss as he found his back pressed against his headboard and Dave against him. Dave shifted his hips a bit, his bulge stroking Karkat’s as the two tendrils twined together. Karkat was panting, this entire thing feeling like it was getting out of hand. He gulped some air down, nodding as he pulled Dave close, the heat of the other redblood radiating onto his own hot body. He had gotten the message the past few perigees, as Dave chipped away at his denial with easy affection.

“Pretty sure I’ve already told you but I’m flushed with you too. You sure about this?”

"Yeah," he said hoarsely. Dave’s bulge was pressing against the lips of his nook, and Karkat’s arms shook as he held onto Dave. Karkat’s arms shook as he held onto Dave. He was anxious about where this was leading but he wanted it to go there. He wanted to have sex with Dave. He was flushed for him.

"I'm... kind of yours. Make it so, tough guy."

“Alright.”

They were flushed together, Karkat loved Dave. He shuddered and purred into Dave's hands, nuzzling kisses into his fingers. The next words out of Karkat's mouth were supposed to be about how fucking bad it would be for mutants to quadrant. Especially with each other. No matter what they tried to be, they would breed each other --and if they just kept flushing over each other, Karkat had no illusions. He already wanted Dave too much. Mix that in with heat and a sudden lack of inhibitions and one or both of them would be pregnant constantly.

Doing exactly what they had tried so hard to avoid. _Breeding._ Breeding like they wanted it. The thing was, Karkat did. He stared up at Dave, in love with him, not even thinking to call him a kid right now because that had been a bullshit defense from the start. Realizing that if Dave mated with him, Karkat would be in heaven for every minute. He'd take any slurry Dave had for him and moan while his matesprit impregnated him.

He'd carry the eggs and lay them and he'd... like it. He'd like having Dave's grubs. He already knew he'd liked Dave bearing his own far more than was fair. Oh god, they should have talked about this way before now. The other times didn’t count, Karkat had just been in denial then, and it seemed that being so close to his heat was what knocked some sense into him. God he was a moron for that. Karkat knew the flush was real but the rest of it was snarled with heat and lust and just wanting Dave to be happy for once in his life. Their bulges were curling together and were gently grazing against his nook.

It was numbingly good and Karkat needed more. More kissing, more skin, more of everything. He wanted to feel his mate inside of him. He was ready. The touch of Dave’s bulge on his nook had Karkat melting. He blushed slowly at the look of uncertainty Dave was giving him and chewed his lip.

He was shaking, swallowing as he tried to stop. Not obvious at all that he was nervous as hell, Karkat gasped as he felt Dave push into him, eyes going wide as he felt his walls spread for the warm bulge. One of Dave’s hands moved to Karkat's bulge, stroking it, squeezing it. Karkat’s eyes glanced down a moment and felt his cheeks redden even more. There was a puddle of red underneath them, he couldn’t even tell who’s it was. Dave went in deeper.

"I love you so much," Dave said, and Karkat didn't manage to stop a scream as Dave went inside of him, back arching in obvious pleasure.

"Dave," he groaned, having considerable trouble breathing when jolts of Dave were filling his thoughts. His nook fucking loved it and after a moment Karkat couldn't pretend the rest of him didn't.

He panted, rolling his hips back into the sensations, keening as Dave filled him. He moved inside, his eyes fluttering shut as he half breathed into Karkat’s mouth while kissing him. Karkat choked, fully prepared to curl up and die if Dave decided to stop before the breeding was over.

He could feel Dave dripping on him as he mated with Karkat, Karkat's bulge twining hungrily through his fingers. They were kissing the whole time as they moved. Karkat didn't know which way was up anymore, only that it was breaking his thinkpan. So damn loving. Karkat chirped helplessly, clinging and rocking slowly into it, breathing Dave in between kisses and thrusting. Dave made everything inside of him feel so fucking sweet.

God had... Had Karkat done this for him? He should have. He would. He wanted to try again, holding Dave close and taking his time to make the younger troll fall apart thoroughly. Watch him feel good and not give the faintest fuck about whether it was heat or not, just about whether Dave looked like his world was ending.

Karkat squeezed tight around Dave, trying to feel him more as he moved, moaning over and over again. His claws did end up getting involved. Couldn't control it, it felt too good. Were Karkat a lesser troll he would have been a sobbing mess at this point. He shuddered and gulped back needy cries as Dave told him how loved he was. He reached lower to pull Dave's hips flush to his, nook tensing on his warm bulge as Karkat ground in and tried not to come yet. He had no excuse for his fingers teasing Dave's nook like this. He just had to, sucking faint marks into Dave's neck.

He breathed into Dave's ear, "You planning on doing this for every heat? Making me completely lose my shit?"

Dave chuckled and Karkat whined as he felt Dave’s bulge curl inside him and straighten out, sending another wave of pleasure through Karkat. His legs trembled, hardly able to pay attention to anything his body was doing except feeling. Feeling Dave move against him overwhelmed any desire to think or do anything but feel the tempered skin of his partner.It almost tickled, the touch was so soft. The fine line between pleasure and laughter was never breeched, however, and Karkat ended up wrapping his arms around Dave into another kiss. Dave curled his bulge up inside him and Karkat gasped into his mouth, pulling him in again. He was smirking by the time they separated. Dave finally answered his question.

"Maybe..." he kissed him, Karkat’s head tilted back, breath shuddering out as he felt Dave relaxing. He had been caressing Dave’s nook with gentle fingers prodding at Dave’s wet nook. Karkat wanted more, removing his hand, and pressing the tip of his bulge to tease Dave’s nook instead. Dave reciprocated in pleasure, pushing down onto it. He held the younger troll's eyes, groaning in need, he would push inside Dave's nook if Dave didn't refuse. He just kept grinding against it, keeping his bulge gentle between Karkat's legs. He rubbed the tip of his bulge along the other mutant and then kissed from Dave's chin down his throat as he pushed slowly inside. Dave let out a gasp as Karkat entered the excruciatingly warm nook. Feeling both organs at the same time felt amazing and it sent a fresh bolt of heat through his body as he kissed Dave’s eyelids.

Flushed, unquestionably flushed. He near doubled over from the sensation, too much good. Every breath, every muscle spasm, everything was just him and Dave. He wanted to stay this way with him, kissing, panting and moving within each other. He leaned down, kissing not just his mouth but his face, his eyes, his neck, down his collarbone.

His. Dave was his and he was Dave’s. They belonged to each other and nothing felt more right. At this point he didn't care if he ended up with a brood. He would gladly carry for Dave, go through whatever he would have to just for Dave. Past Karkat would have called him a fool for letting his feelings control him like that but he didn’t care. He needed this. He kissed Dave again. He would go through hell and back, that was just how much he loved this troll.

Karkat was pretty sure he was making love with his quadrant right now, the ever-so-guarded space of their nooks full and twitching around the intrusions as they both moaned. Karkat growled too, from the warm, blissful feeling of Dave's nook. He was breaking into soft croons at another gentle rock inside himself. Both of them were so wet. Karkat clutched Dave close, needing everything from him, both of their hips moving, meltingly good caresses of nook and bulge in tandem. Just needing motion and the rest took care of itself with tightening, dripping, slow sliding together, squirming inside trembling flesh, bodies pressing close.

Karkat moaned desperately, feeling Dave jolt and shake and fight for something approaching control while he stole Karkat's away. At this point, Karkat was good for exactly nothing but panting and mating longingly with any part of Dave he could reach. His nook clenched against the others bulge, urging the slurry deeper inside. God...he was so warm and both of them were soaked between their legs, the rest of their bodies drenched with a layer of sweat and pheromones. He was panting heavily, swallowing whatever spit was in his mouth, trying to ease the dryness in his mouth.

He cried out softly at first, clawing at Dave as gently as he could, warm slurry pumped quickly into his seedflap. Louder as he filled and shook almost violently. Throbbing hard and twitching tight on Dave's spilling bulge and then gasping helplessly. He couldn't stop. He returned the frantic kisses as his own shame globes released into Dave's waiting nook.

Karkat didn't know if Dave could even take it, bright red spilling out. Eggs were already inside, there was no room. He tried valiantly while Dave's bulge bred him. Karkat, overwhelmed with love and want, milked it automatically between his legs with slow squeezes. All of it needed to be inside.

"Love you," he found himself panting as it ended with them both heavy and shaking and still deep inside each other. "Dave, I love you. My matesprit or whatever the fuck you are--" He shuddered, mouth opening to cry out softly as the unfamiliar weight in him shifted.

"Need it again." His bulge squirmed gently in Dave even though Karkat knew he wasn't in heat, he felt like he needed Dave to be. Needed another pailing, just like that. Didn't know if he could stop at all, honestly; the pleasure was uncontrollable. In Dave and around him. He kissed Dave's lips softly.

"Pretty sure we're...oh god...mmm...Matesprits...Jegus..." Dave panted, cupping Karkat’s face before kissing him again. Karkat reciprocated, urged on by his matesprit. Dave was so goddamn gorgeous like this, sweaty and gasping and flushed on top of Karkat. Karkat moaned just from looking at him because he was like cake for the eyes. Eagerly accepted the gentle kisses and they were back to slow, unbearable motion, panting hard and dripping, shuddering and jolting from sensations too intense to bear. Dave's moans were as tangled with Karkat's as their mouths, their bodies, all of it.

"My matesprit," Karkat groaned, pulling Dave close and nuzzling against him as they moved together and Karkat just lost himself entirely. Nothing but scorching pleasure building inside of him. Everything between his ribs had gone tender and desperate from what they were doing. Being with the troll he loved. Chances of Karkat just keeling over and dying before the mating ended were pretty high. And for hours it was nothing but Dave and pity and bliss racing through Karkat's veins. More slurry flooded inside and Karkat just moaned and pushed into it, releasing readily into Dave when the pleasure burned too high and then back to chirping and gasping as the sex continued. It didn't seem to have a definite end; when they finally stopped rocking together to curl up in each other's arms it wasn't because either of them had come. More like they'd filled up on whatever sweetness touching each other had held.

Karkat was so fucking exhausted. He could sleep for a year. Karkat touched the bulge of Dave's stomach feeling the rounded belly full of growing eggs, stroking gently as he nuzzled close and rained kisses down his matesprit’s face.

"Mine," he sighed. He was kind of expecting a jolt of regret but there was nothing. Karkat was happy that he'd be carrying Dave's eggs, happy that Dave had wanted his slurry inside again even as a clutch already grew inside. Karkat was scared. He had never done anything like this. Yet as it sunk it, he realized this would be a reprieve. Neither of them would be going into heat which meant no challengers. The grubs themselves Karkat would welcome. He liked wrigglers and new ones were always coming to the orphanage anyway. He'd liked everything about this, especially the part where he and Dave curled together when it was done, clinging and purring softly as they fell asleep.

Karkat woke up first and very gingerly made it through the process of releasing unused eggs. He had expected to wake up in heat and hungry for more slurry. He didn’t though,and instead spent a long time in the toilet pushing out the eggs that had become somewhat of a bi-perigree routine. He hadn't counted how many he lay, didn’t even look at which ones were white and which ones had failed and turned black, flushing them all the same. He didn't really know what to make of the amount that came out.

Karkat prodded a little at his abdomen trying to investigate if he had any inside but it was useless --the area was sore from holding slurry and Karkat only got about as far as identifying that there was at least one egg in there, he could feel the lump near his pelvis. Nifty. He flopped back on the bed with Dave, grumbling into his mate's hair until his eyes closed to get some more sleep. He'd gotten exceedingly cuddly with this troll --it calmed them both and Dave was just sort of... his. In a way he probably shouldn't have been. His touch was feeling better than it should have because Karkat was still processing that yeah, Dave was his matesprit. He just nuzzled his face in Dave’s white locks. Dave always felt wonderful. It seemed the other wasn’t as asleep as he let on either.

“Karkat?" He squeezed his hand, "I love you."

Half-asleep and purring just a bit, Karkat answered, for once without thinking about it too hard. "Mmh. Love you too."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, it’s a happy ending. For this chapter. You guys are expecting something terrible to happen next aren't you? You’ll just have to wait and see. I know, I’m a slowpoke but as I’ve found out, writing things in order are hard. Also, might be able to update every other week for a few chapters, we will see.
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)
> 
> Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	22. Like Stones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time isn’t something that stays still. So when it’s time to lay eggs, Dave has to do everything he needs to to succeed in that endeavor. Things don’t always go how you expect them to however.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried writing this. I actually choked up and had to stop a lot when Dave was killing those eggs cause I just kept breaking down myself. This is the chapter that broke me. Seriously, not a lot of the chapters so far have made me cry like this but I did cause it’s just...really fucking sad and I cannot type coherently now cause I am tearing up right. The. Fuck. Now. My betas cried too.
> 
> TW: sadness, egglaying/birth, egg/fetal death(writing ontop of illustration) SO MUCH SADNESS, blood, gore,  
> Did i miss anything? Please take care reading this particular chapter, it’s really emotional.

The longer the eggs continued to incubate in their broodmother, the more research Karkat did on birth. He found material that seemed the most compassionate and boiled down the basic information. For one thing, Birth was brutal. He read with eyes wide, hand over his mouth in shock. The pain was so excruciating that when redbloods first replaced the long dead mothergrub half of them bled to death. It was so far from perfect he was surprised that nothing had been taught about it.

It turned out the first few generations of redbloods had it rougher than he could have ever imagined. It wasn’t until some indigoblood stuck his redblood into a recuperacoon during birth that the process became easier. It explained why soper was made illegal; it was hard to make and they needed all of it to keep their breeders alive. They had to have a fucking licence to get it.

Karkat shut the aged file on his reader, setting the tablet down. It was one of the few pieces of technology they employed here. A certain purpleblood had sent it as a gift a few perigees ago. He wondered how Eridan was doing, it had been over three sweeps. All he knew was that Eridan had been busy it seemed, traveling all the way from the rocky region of the capital towards the ocean. He supposed the seadweller couldn’t help it. Much like redbloods had the instinct to mate, seadwellers had the instinct to go to the ocean. He wrote constantly and it was endearing really. The last time he heard, Eridan had met up with the yellowblood named Sollux out in a port city, and they were doing something or other together. Sollux had left a few sweeps before Eridan, mostly to gain control of his psionics that developed when he was six. He couldn’t help but smile at the thought of the two meeting up again after so many sweeps.

It was only natural to wonder how all the grubs who he cared for were doing after they’d left. He had no doubt that some had fallen in line with their bloodcaste’s expectations, while others kept in touch.

Karkat shook his head rapidly, trying to push his drifting thoughts away. Now wasn’t the time to be thinking about who the wrigglers he had taken care of became. He had to focus on figuring out a way to get Dave through the egg laying process without any slime assisting him. So far the old methods of egg laying were lost to over a centuries worth of utter bullcrap. It was like trying to find anything from the Golden Era; near fucking impossible. Karkat groaned, scratching the base of one of his horns. This was going to take a while and time was something they didn’t exactly have a lot of.

Karkat stood, needing to stretch out. He leaned back with his hands on his sides and let out a satisfied sigh when he heard a crack. He had been looking for hours with no luck. He could always ask Sollux, He kept in touch, sent letters. Mostly over the internet. It usually took weeks for Karkat to respond, but that was only because he had so little time now a days.

Before, he had weeks to prepare for the upcoming crowds his heat caused. Now with Dave pregnant and needing so much care, it was like time was rushing away faster than a dropped stick in a raging river. Karkat was undeniably stressed. Since being heavy with brood however, the usual riot had quieted down. Well, at the very least it had outside. Inside the walls he had rambunctious wrigglers being just as hyper as ever.

Karkat shifted a bit in his chair, the few extra pounds on his midsection sitting wrong. Dave had ballooned out around his second perigee. Karkat didn’t know how much that would affect him and his ability to protect their one sanctuary. The sanctuary that was his home, Dave’s home, the home of countless bright eyed wrigglers who looked up to him. He really should have thought more about the consequences of his affections towards Dave. Not that he would toss them into the wind to scatter, but the sex thing? They shouldn’t have done it while Karkat was in heat. A single pregnant redblood was one thing, he could protect Dave if it came down to it. But currently the orphanages safety was a plate balancing on a stick. A shift in the wind and it would shatter.

He sat back down, deciding he needed a short break. However, Karkat wasn’t used to breaks. Tapping his claws impatiently on the desk, he stared at the tablet. Research still needed to be done and he still had to make a checklist of things to do when the eggs were laid. He really had no idea what to do with the eggs when they were laid. He did have a room for the orphaned eggs that arrived once in awhile. They came with the merchants, left on the drawbridge to the fortress in hopes of finding a home.

Karkat shut his eyes and leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling. With their current luck the eggs would all end up red, or worse, dead. Past couplings between redbloods ended with small broods and those eggs that did survive to hatching, well, most didn’t make it past pupation. He had to think of the possibility that neither of their eggs would survive. A hand trailed down his slightly puffed out belly, looking at how tight his clothes clung to his skin. He would need to wear bigger clothes as time passed. Dave had already gone to wearing larger clothes but that was mostly due to the growth spurt he had due to his pupation. All his old clothes had been passed down to the younger wrigglers.

That was the thing about having such a large group of wrigglers. They grew fast and new cloths were often needed. It wasn’t uncommon to see Dave wearing one of Karkat’s things, though that was mostly because they barely left the other’s side anymore. Karkat couldn’t say he disliked the attention from his matesprit but sometimes it was distracting. On more than one occasion they found themselves shut in one room or another to make out.

Karkat blushed at the memories of the few times they had sex since his heat. It was a bit harder really, neither of them had room in their seedflap for slurry and thus it ended up all over the fabric. Shower sex became a thing and Karkat wasn’t going to say he hated it. Though realistically his legs hurt after a while and more often than not they ended up sitting in the tub or laying down to ease the strain.

Karkat’s cheeks reddened at the memories and he quickly picked up his tablet, forcing himself to study and blatantly ignoring his unsheathing bulge. It was most certainly not slipping out and flushing with interest as he imagined his matesprit bare naked against the shower wall. That most certainly was not what he was thinking.

Picking up the tablet proved easy enough, as was continuing his search for a way for neither of them to expire during the inevitable egg laying. It seemed dumb luck smiled on him, having found a site that gave lowbloods information on how to help their redblood stock lay without the assistance of soper. Being counted as livestock sucked but it was better than nothing. He read through it multiple times before sighing, jotting down the notes on a scrap of paper he would keep in his pocket just incase.

He would have to keep rubbing Dave's horns, make sure he was breathing deeply, give him something to bite on that wasn't his tongue. Given that Dave was trying to lay fucked up mutant eggs, Karkat would need to pay very special attention to things like how much blood was normal. When he found out just how much blood there was, his own drained out of his face because the answer was: a lot and, oh god, oh god, he did not want Dave going through this.

The site also said what to do if an egg got stuck and what if they were misshapen and _couldn't_ come out. The answer to that involved literally shoving sharp things in some very delicate places, because you bet your ass Dave's survival won out over any unlaid eggs. So bathtub it was for the mess, because as much as he wanted Dave to not have to run around while eggs pressed down on his seedflap looking for escape, he did not want to clean up all that blood.

Despite all his research and preparation, when Dave actually went into labor he was not prepared at all.

 

***

 

Dave could hardly believe that three perigees had passed. It had felt like an eternity. As his pregnancy progressed, his need to cuddle his matesprit increased. If Karkat was paper, Dave was glue, permanently attached to him by the hip. Karkat was about a perigee into his own pregnancy and Dave was sort of jealous. Karkat hadn’t gotten anywhere near as big as him. Probably because during Karkat’s heat they only slept together once. Yet during Dave’s...His cheeks turned red thinking about all the sex they had.

Ever since they made their red quadrant official, they had sex on occasion. Mostly with Karkat topping, Dave’s belly making it too hard to move. He knew Karkat would be in that state himself soon. His bulge pulsed with heat just thinking about it.

Why his tendril found that attractive was beyond him considering just what was happening inside their seedflaps.

Dave groaned out, rolling from his back to the side. He smiled when his eyes met Karkat’s sleeping form. It was morning out, time for sleep. He leaned towards the other, kissing him gently. Karkat didn’t even budge and Dave cuddled close, shutting his eyes and relaxing.

A spike of pain suddenly shot through his lower body. Dave let out a choked gasp, eyes wide and breathing heavily. He had no idea what just happened until another wave of pain radiated down his spine. Once the pain ended and Dave was able to gather himself he felt something was off. He shook Karkat.

“Wake up, something’s wrong.”

Karkat groaned, batting his hand away. Dave wasn’t deterred however, shaking him more.

“Right now is not time to be catching up on your beauty rest! Wake the fuck up or--” He stopped, eyes wide as the worst pain he had ever felt raked his body. His legs felt wet and it smelled like blood. He slapped Karkat across the chest in panic, trying to get the other’s attention. The other redblood woke with a start, gasping. He rubbed his chest and looked at Dave.

“What is so fucking important that you’re waking me up middle of the day?”

Dave leaned over as much as he could. Moving hurt. Everything hurt.

“Sniff the air, Karkat! It smells like blood. More specifically, My blood. I think the eggsack just broke.”

Karkat laid there a moment, just staring at Dave until the situation managed to process. He was sitting up with a start. Now he got it. Dave was going to say something snarky until another spine-curling ache of pain shook him again. He could feel his seedflap starting to open up and it wouldn’t be long until he had to lay.

Karkat slid out of bed, pulling the blanket away. Dave finally looked down, seeing the blood and nook juice he was sitting in. He needed to get to the bathtub and fast. They had talked about it so much and now it was time. Karkat rushed to his side and pulled the gasping mutant up, leading him to the conjoined bathroom. He cleared the tub of any bottles and helped Dave inside.  
“You stay right there, I’m going to get some water and ice and...towels. Lot’s of fucking towels.” Dave gave an affirmative nod, leaning down to try and slip his pants off. He couldn’t even reach them, damnit!. Karkat noticed and helped him out, throwing the pants in a corner before finally leaving. Dave just gave him a fearful look before he tried to relax in the tub and let his body do what it needed; to get ready for his laying.

He was not looking forward to this. He had read somewhere each one would be the size of a football, and he cringed at the mental image. Each second Karkat wasn’t here to help him felt like an eon, Dave clawing at the sides of the tub as tears welled in the corner of his eyes. It hurt and all he could do was spread his legs. He winced as blood and genetic material slid down the ceramic tub to the drain. The pain was agonizing and he rested his arm on the side of the tub, following by his head. He was breathing deeply, doing his best not to lose his mind.

No one had told him just how badly it would hurt, most redbloods laid their eggs while on soper. He would have to do this the old fashioned way redbloods did before the drug was introduced to the laying process. In pain, in a bathtub and with mere ice to numb it. No wonder redbloods didn’t live long. This was hell and Dave could hardly see straight.

He squeezed his eyes shut but that only made it worse. He whimpered, leaning back against the tub, moving his head to the side to avoid the faucet. Dave looked around and grabbed the edge of a towel, bringing it to his mouth as he bit down into it and let out a silent scream. He could feel his nook lips parting as the first egg positioned itself at the opening of his seedflap.

Dave didn’t want to lay the egg on his own, he wanted his matesprit holding his hand while he clawed at it. He was holding back his instincts that told him to push, not wanting to while Karkat wasn’t in the room with him. It was stupid and foolish but he needed the other. Dave wiped at some tears that had formed at the edge of his vision, breathing shallowly as he waited. Karkat was a dead troll if he had to go through this on his own. It scared him and he was starting to panic.  
“Fuck it Karkat… Where the fuck are you?” He groaned, another wave of nausea and pain shaking his body as the pressure inside continued to grow. It was like when he had to hold his pee for over an hour, annoying at first but growing in urgency as time went on. He flexed his abdomen muscles, refusing to let go of the egg which was insisting he let nature take it’s course. He was grateful when Karkat came back, covered in a suncloak with a bag of ice, also covered in a suncloak.

“What the fuck took you so long?” Dave pulled the bag of ice close, pulling a few cubes out and stuffing them in his mouth. It would give him something to chew on rather than grind his teeth until they were nothing but nubs. His eyes wouldn’t leave the other, wanting him closer. Dave felt gentle hands on his horns and shut his eyes, his mate rubbing them gently at the base. This was not a sex thing; this was kosher. Karkat stroked them to make Dave do this by instinct and to flood natural painkillers into his system. Despite the help, it was still fucking horrible.

Dave grunted as he let his muscles relax a bit, holding onto Karkat’s shirt, needing something to squeeze. Looking at the other made this easier, the redblood doing all he could do to keep from passing out. This hurt and all he could manage was to remain angry at the other.  
“Sorry Dave. I was in such a panic that I forgot to cover up the first bag of ice. It sort of melted instantly the moment I went back outside. Had to find a spare suncloak to cover it up.” Dave stared in shock, hardly believing it. After a moment he broke down laughing, wiping tears from the side of his eyes.  
“You’re so fucking stupid. I love you anyways.” Dave laughed a bit, kissing Karkat’s chin. Karkat squeezed his horn in reflex, kissing him back. He would have been fine with just sitting in the tub and making out with Karkat, if not for the sudden surge of pain down his nook. He hissed, pulling away and staring between his legs. His bulge was out, curled up tight as a porcupine. He giggled at that but he supposed it needed to be out to give more room for the eggs to descend.

And descend they certainly did, Dave gasping out in pain as his stomach seemed to contract in response to the eggs steadily moving downwards. Finally, after a particularly painful push, the first egg was making it’s break for freedom. Laying unused eggs was one thing, that was just like taking a very big shit. This was ten times worse. He could feel the hard surface of the egg pushing against his nook walls and he pushed back, trying to get it out. He looked down between his legs, wondering how the pile of towels got there. Probably Karkat, he was in too much pain to ask.

Dave squeezed Karkat’s hand, taking a few more ice cubes with his other and stuffed them in his mouth before he pushed again. The egg slid out of him, landing on the towel. He lay there gasping, staring down at it. It was smaller than he had seen any fully mature egg before. It took a moment for it to set in what color it was.

Black.

Under the sheen of genetic fluid to help aid the laying was a black shell.

Dave’s throat hitched, doing his best to keep from shaking. His egg was dead and... He didn’t even have time to mourn it, another forcing itself in position and down his nook. He blanked the rest of it out. The most he could remembered was screaming, clawing at Karkat’s arm and the cold feeling in his mouth.

Egg after egg got laid and before he knew it, there was nothing else to push. He lay back against the tub back, glancing down at the pile of eggs between his legs. His vision was too blurry at this point to make any of them out and he didn’t really care. Full to the brim with exhaustion, Dave tipped over to the side and shut his eyes. He didn’t even want to look at the pile of eggs he had just passed out of his body. He needed time to rest, everything else could wait for a while.

His grip on Karkat’s wirst had slacked, feeling too weak to hold on. His vision blurred, turning his head towards Karkat. He gave a weak smile as his body shook and he leaned against the back of the tub. He shut his eyes just to relax his tensed body and before he knew it, he had passed out from the exhaustion.

 

***

 

Karkat froze with eyes wide, shaking the other redblood with abandon. He was scared Dave had died, from the way he was unresponsive to his touch. Karkat was doing his best not to start screaming. His fears were unfounded, however. Dave had just passed out from exhaustion. Even then it was still terrifying, he had to get Dave out of the tub and somewhere where he was less vulnerable. He gently moved his lover up into a sitting position, leaving him in the tub. Blood escaped the other’s nook and Karkat cringed, knowing it was normal and not to freak out.

He took a deep breath when it was all over and turned on the sink, washing any remaining muck off his hands. It was still jarring how scared he was. Thinking he would lose Dave was terrifying and he thought he should have done something more. Somehow he should have found soper, no matter what it would take. He didn’t care if he had to go and steal it from some highblood breeder-houses but he should have thought up a plan sooner than just going for it like this.

After spending what felt like another ten minutes scrubbing his hands he finally turned towards Dave and the eggs. Overall, the eggs were out, Dave was alive, so Karkat was counting it as a win. Karkat cleaned Dave off with washcloths until he looked less like a war victim. He left the bathroom and set a thick layer of towels on the bed. When he was sure that the towels would hold up against any residual bleeding, Karkat lifted his exhausted mate to place him onto the bed once again. He bundled him up in as many blankets as he could, merely because Karkat's thinkpan insisted this was the right thing to do. After a moment, driven by instinct, he got the eggs too. He used the same method to clean the eggs off; Wash them gently in the bathtub and set them into a woven laundry basket, bundled with blankets. Of course anything that had been in said basket prior now sat in a corner of the bathroom. The only thing in it now was a few towels to cushion the eggs and the eggs themselves.

Karkat didn’t know what to think of the number. There were so many black ones, ones that had failed to see it through. He put those on top of the suncloak, deciding it would be best to dispose of them when Dave was awake. He didn’t know what Dave’s reaction would be to the dead eggs and he was scared of the troll whose glare could turn into daggers. He cleaned them off a little and then carried the basket into the bedroom. He set them next to the pillows he had piled up on the other side of the room.  Karkat snuggled up to Dave afterwards, holding him close as his own eyes slowly drifted shut.

Karkat spent the day after the birth panicking before it occurred to him that the internet might be a valuable resource here. Long periods of unconsciousness wasn't indicative of mortal injury. Dave was just tired. Karkat needed to stop talking to himself and nodding over Dave's unconscious body because he was beginning to freak himself out a little.

When Dave did wake up, the first thing he did was snarl at Karkat, apparently for being too close to the eggs. He expected it but holy shit he did not expect Dave’s eyes to turn orange like that. Dave’s rage had never been directed at him and Karkat kept his distance. He held his hands up in surrender, trying to convince Dave that yes, he was harmless. Dave glanced at the window and then, after affirming it was night time, let out a sigh as he looked at the eggs.

“Where are the rest? I swear I laid more than five.”

“The rest turned out black. They’re in the restroom and I can go get them…” Dave shook his head, sliding out of bed and near collapsing on the floor. Karkat approached him, holding out a hand. Dave looked at it and stood, doing his best not to shake, using the nightstand to keep him from collapsing. He walked lame legged to the restroom, looking for the rest of his clutch. Karkat didn’t follow him in, even if he didn’t want to leave Dave alone. He heard the pained wail, rushing in and seeing Dave sitting on the floor, crying for the ten black eggs in the suncloak. Dave was trembling, his hands shaking as he picked one up and held it to his chest. Karkat approached and Dave glared back at the source of footsteps. He growled, holding the egg closer.

“Dave, calm down I know you’re upset…” Dave put the eggs back in the suncloak, bundling the black eggs up before running to the room and adding the five eggs that still lived in there as well, rushing out. Karkat didn’t even have a chance to stop him. Dave moved too fast even with how unbalanced he seemed to be. Karkat frowned, knowing he would have to find Dave before he did anything stupid.

 

***

 

Anger filled Dave as he picked up black egg after black egg, throwing them against the wall. Bright yellow yolks slid down the ashen bricks, ending in a pile of broken shells. He had laid his eggs, each passing through him like bullets and what did he get for it? Nothing more than a pile of dead eggs. If his body was going to reject so many, why did only five remain? Why couldn’t they all have died and he could have pretended he never got pregnant in the first place? It wasn’t that he didn’t like Karkat, he loved him. That didn’t mean he had wanted to carry the eggs for him, there was just no other alternative.

His breath was ragged as his eyes went to the seven eggs that remained. Picking one up, he brushed some sort of invisible dust off it. It was olive, something neither him nor Karkat were. Still his and he wanted to stop looking at it. He held it tightly, growling as he couldn’t help his anger. Too tight, the egg splattered between his hands, a half formed grub falling out onto his lap. In his shock he pulled back, letting it slide onto the ground. He couldn’t pull his eyes off it. Tufts of green fur stuck on the little grub, to skinny and frail to make it through. It hadn’t even developed horns yet, no way it could have gotten out of the egg on it’s own when the time came. He shouldn’t have saved the ones that made it through until the last, he was pretty sure he just felt his heart break into a million peices.

Dave choked back a sob, hand over his mouth as he burst into hysterics. That was his wriggler he just killed and he couldn’t. He should have never let this happen.

[ ](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/358e9f_8d8af684776646c383507f7ba7e31531~mv2_d_2975_2469_s_4_2.jpg)

He was angry and confused and overall just overwhelmed with emotion. All caused by one egg he had accidently squashed. It was one thing to destroy the eggs that had failed within him, another to destroy an innocent little grub. It didn’t deserve that. It deserved to live and he felt like a monster for losing himself like that. Yet again, if he did destroy them he would be ridding himself of the evidence that he had ever faltered.

He was nothing more than a breeder and he couldn't handle the rage, sniffling as tears went down his face and he collapsed to the floor. He took another of the ovals, looking down at the shell. Another green one, lime this time. He sniffled, taking a deep breath as he chucked that one too. He was going to destroy them all. One after another he tossed them at the wall, not even opening his eyes as he did so. He took another egg and tossed it without even looking. He stopped, hand patting around the ground for an egg. The last egg. He looked down, feeling his heart skip a beat as he did so.

All the other eggs had been variations of greens and blues. Not this one. The same bright hue that flowed through his veins stared back at him. He let out a shaky breath, just staring. He slid down to the floor, clutching the egg to his chest. It was his. He knew he should just kill the bastard, not let the kid know how cruel the world could be...But he couldn’t. The pain of what he just did crashed into him like a ton of bricks and he broke down in an anguished wail as he curled up and cried with the sole remaining egg.

Karkat found him sobbing, laying on his side as he lay curled up and hugging the lone bright red egg that remained. After a bit of coaxing from his concerned mate, he followed Karkat like a zombie to the room that they shared. He laid down on the bed, refusing to let go of the egg. When Karkat approached he growled, wanting to be left alone with the lone survivor of his breakdown. It wasn’t fair to the others but there wasn’t much he could do now. He realized after a while of laying there he hadn’t destroyed them out of anger. No, he had killed his clutch because he had lost so many of them. He didn’t want the pain of losing so many to affect him with the others and had let instinct take hold and make him feel like he was a puppet led by strings.

He held the egg tight to his chest, laying down on the bed with Karkat’s insistence. Not hard enough to break, the mental image of what he had done wouldn’t leave. He regretted it but how could he control that? He was mad and sad and angry all at once. He was collapsed on the bed when they had returned, unable to handle anything. He just wanted to rest and hold the lone survivor of his sin.

When Dave woke, he found the egg missing and he went into a panic. Only to find that Karkat had put it back in the basket and wrapped it in blankets. Karkat was still in the room. Dave’s lip trembled, wanting to hug his matesprit. He rushed off the bed, wrapping his arms around him, crying into his shirt. Karkat didn't push him off or anything. Didn’t scold him or nothing, just held him as he finally let his actions set in. He wasn’t going to touch the last egg, didn’t want anything to do with it. At least for the first few hours.

Karkat was still there when his instincts took hold and despite knowing the other was safe, he couldn’t help but let it take hold of him in an ugly way. He growled at his matesprit, sitting up with one arm while the other held the egg close to his sagging belly. Dave was devastated and letting his emotions show, unable to deter his feelings in any specific direction. He let it out on Karkat, growling as his body stayed rigid as he protected the last of his eggs.

Instinct, something that had been driven out of most broodmothers. Usually the eggs were taken away by a caretaker while the redblood slept. Enough clutches like that and the attachment waned and didn’t happen after a while. Dave however was chalk full of attachment, refusing to let this egg come in harm's way. He had already destroyed the others, his emotions and motherly instinct driving him into a frenzy. Even if he knew Karkat was safe, his heart and his head weren't matching up at all and he could do naught but growl at the one he loved.

So Karkat spent about an hour trying to convince Dave of the fact that he wouldn't handle it at all if his claws were that problematic to the safety of their egg. Nor did he have any weapons, and that he really had zero fucking interest in trying to bite troll eggs. Dave was not greatly reassured, continuing to hold it close to his heart. Which was fairly troubling because this was Karkat's room and Dave also seemed to want him around. When Karkat turned to leave his arms slacked, whining at Karkat to stay. Moment he turned however, he turned back into an overprotective mother with his egg and return to growling threateningly at Karkat.

It went on for weeks like this, he'd pester Karkat via internet whenever he would leave his side, growl at him whenever he shuffled back and then stare meaningfully until Karkat gave up and went through the slow and painstaking process that was approaching Dave by inches while getting growled at because Dave wanted to cuddle.

At one point Karkat just snorted at Dave and demanded to know, "Well what are you going to do about it?" At which point Dave informed him with one swift movement. Then Karkat went back to being very, very polite to the territorial troll who moved like a hurricane when provoked. Dave couldn’t help it either, his instincts, his head and his heart were in constant struggle for dominance. There wasn’t much Karkat could do but place bowls of food in the room so Dave didn’t starve. The only time the egg wasn’t in Dave’s arms was when he was sleeping. Karkat sometimes slipped into the room and put a blanket on him and Dave woke up confused the next day as to where it came from. He didn’t mind though, eventually letting Karkat closer to the egg.

Obviously, Karkat didn't handle the egg, didn't have much to do with it. If it was changing in any way, he was oblivious to it. He did mention that it wasn’t dulling or mottling or cracking --still healthy. Dave smiled down at the egg while he held it, rubbing it as if encouraging the grub inside to grow strong and healthy. Dave was holding possibly one of the rarest eggs in their new, vile culture that depended on an anomaly to keep from falling. Dave sniffled, bringing his rare child close to his chest again, smiling down at it. He was glad he didn’t kill it like it’s brothers and sisters. He didn’t care that it would be fought over at one point, it was still his child. Redbloods were rare and still rarely showed up in broods but that didn’t matter to Dave. To him, this was his precious little grub and he would never let it go.

Most of the wrigglers were too little to understand but if the egg hatched, Karkat was going to make it very clear to all of his kids that under no circumstances could they share any information about the grub outside of the orphanage and especially not about who had laid them. The world didn’t even know about Dave, just whispers of another adult redblood in the orphanage. Karkat was strong, his wrigglers were strong but if Dave was honest with himself, he didn't think they'd be able to hold out if the whole Empire turned on them. He was pretty sure that's what would happen if they found out about what had happened behind the thick stone walls.

“Karkat...please don’t do what I did when you lay your eggs. It’s something I,” he paused, contemplating his next words. “You can’t take it back.”

“I know but you can’t dwindle on it. You have to be strong for the little one growing in there.” Karkat put a hand on Dave’s arm, too cautious to rest it on the egg being held by it’s broodmother. Dave nodded in agreement, laying against Karkat and shutting his eyes. It would be another perigee before Karkat laid his own eggs and Dave would do anything to keep his matesprit from doing the same tragic thing he did. Dave yawned, bringing his legs up on the bed and curled up more, eventually drifting off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you for reading/commenting/kudoing this! It means a lot to me. Like, I **never** thought this fic would end up so popular? It’s kind of crazy to me since there are so many fics on this site and every single one of you mean a lot to me. It’s just...wow. Thank you once again.  
>  See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
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	23. Broken Glass Like Fractured Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life continues for everyone, including John. The plans to attack the orphanage continue and Equius and Nepeta are right in the center of it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Gore, Manipulation, John being a dick as usual.

John remembered that day in fine detail, how he had woken smelling of Karkat, the stark realization that he could smell what he now knew was the scent of a redblood in heat. He remembered not even getting out of his pajamas, just smoothing out the wrinkles and putting on his shoes. He didn’t even bother with the front door, too many trolls had already gathered there. The sun had just set and they were waiting to have their turn with the redblood inside.

John knew Karkat better than that. Waiting at the front door like sitting ducks? They wouldn’t get their way with Karkat, he was sure of it. The last time John saw Karkat, the redblood looked like he had a plan to fend off those who would inevitably come. He would fight, or at least be smart enough to keep the door locked. If not, Crabdad would. Crabdad wouldn’t let anything bad happen to Karkat under his watch, so all he had to do was ensure they weren’t interrupted. He remembered the scent, how tantalizing it was and how he knew just where Karkat would go once the sun rose. John circled around the back of the hive, pushing the wooden gate open.

No one was there. He smirked, approaching the oak tree outside Karkat’s window. He had climbed it so many times, helping Karkat sneak out when his lusus was overbearing. Sometimes John was the one waiting on the ground while Karkat made to join him either for a movie night or getting into trouble like young trolls tended to do.

The tree would serve a much more nefarious purpose this time. This time he wasn’t trying to get Karkat out, he was trying to get in. Karkat never locked the window and slipping in was easy. He could hear screeching downstairs, no doubt a ferociously angry Crabdad battling a stranger. A stranger that had no right to the redblood. It was John alone who deserved him, he loved him. He would make sure Karkat was happy and well bred as much as possible. After all a pregnant redblood was a happy redblood. There was no point in going down the stairs once he was inside, he just had to bide his time until Karkat came to him. He hid in the closet.

He remembered clawing his leg endlessly, trying to keep his head. Patience was not John’s strongest suit but how else was he going to get Karkat alone without any interference? He just had to convince himself to stay put and hope Karkat’s defences didn’t fall. As the night proceeded, however, he felt like he was slowly losing his mind. Karkat smelled like he needed to be against him for hours, moaning blissfully, reacting to what the cerulean did to him. He wanted to fill him with eggs, not for the sake of breeding but to make the world understand that Karkat belonged to only him. The rest of the puzzle pieces would fall together in time.

He felt like he was going to fall asleep; boredom was a powerful weapon, slumping against the closet wall, hand down his pants. He didn’t even remember touching himself. He had fallen asleep, waking up with a start when he heard Karkat enter the room. He removed his blue stained claws from his pants, blushing as he tried to wipe it off on a random shirt that lay on the floor. He would burn that later. His main objective was to get Karkat, make him rightfully his. By social standards he wasn’t even allowed a redblood, only those indigo and higher could own one. At most, John could rent one for a season. Unless he made Karkat his tonight the redblood would be sent to some breeding facility and used by countless trolls. He needed this, he needed Karkat as his and only his. Karkat made it to his room and near collapsing on his bed. Mere seconds had passed before he was filled with the heat of his arousal.

The next few minutes were a blur, they moved by so fast. Karkat’s heated flesh against him, kissing him as he drove his fingers inside. Karkat’s soft gasps of pleasure as John inched closer to what he desired, it was all going according to plan and John couldn’t be happier. Karkat was practically begging for more. John’s bulge was already out and his nook was staining his underwear with blue. Within seconds, Karkat would have become his and John would have ensured Karkat’s fate didn’t take him away to some breeding facility.

He never got the chance to fulfill the desire to make Karkat his. Crabdad knocked him into a wall. He hit the back of his head, his eyes had gone wide in shock as a sharp pain radiated down his horn to his skull. He slid down to the floor, collapsing onto the carpet and laying there as blood seeped from his skull and down his face. He heard muffled screaming, unable to discern where and what it was, his body was numb and he couldn’t move. Everything went dark after that.

 ****

Waking up was the worst feeling ever. He felt like a sledgehammer had hit him in the cranium, making his thinkpan bounce inside. A shrill pain went up his arm to his shoulder and John grimaced when he saw that his arm was twisted the wrong way, swollen near the joint and midsection. His attempt to bend it caused a gasp in pain. He had broken his arm. He cringed as he used his other to move the fabric of his sweater up. His bone was sticking out of the skin, broken in half as blue blood oozed out of the wound. Shuddering, he looked away as he forced the fabric back down.

It was nothing compared to the pain on the left side of his head. That hurt much worse.

When he finally forced himself to his feet and touched his right horn he found only the long smooth curve he once had was gone, broken off from the force of the blow. He found it laying on the floor. He picked it up and pocketed it. Looking down into Karkat’s yard, the trolls outside were scarce. It was obvious Karkat had gone.

Anger filled him. These strangers thought they had a right to Karkat, to his eggs. It should have been him. He should have claimed Karkat, made him his. Everyone knew the law; if a redblood only mated one, they were his. John wanted that to be the case, Karkat was everything he wanted. That hope was dashed now, Karkat had run off. Who knew where he would end up, whose he would become. Worst case scenario, he ended up a public breeder.

John forced himself away from the window, cringing as he did. He was growling, holding his broken arm and letting the blue blood from his horn drip down onto his face. He didn’t know where his glasses were. He didn’t even care. He was angry. Furious. Karkat had betrayed him in the worst way. He was a fucking moron, falling for a redblood. Karkat had taken the heart he offered so freely and stabbed it with a rusted pike. He wanted Karkat. He _deserved_ Karkat. He would get what he wanted, no matter what it took.

Karkat was crafty however, he never could find him again. It wasn’t him who discovered a so called ‘orphanage’ for lususless wrigglers. The idea sounded noble, in theory yet it was run by a redblood. One particular redblood who refused to lay down and do what was expected of them. John was certain it was the troll he was looking for. The one he now hated. Funny how affection could turn to rage like that. Karkat had denied him the thing he wanted most and he would pay for it.

The name of Karkat Vantas had grown infamous in a matter of sweeps and John wanted to be the one to take him down. He had to hatch a plan, one that would fulfill that destiny. It was juvenile to believe in such things like quadrants like they were in some sort of fairytale. Surely he could have the happily ever after that he deserved.

He would be the one to tame the redblood, there was no other way.

John joined the drone army not long after, meeting Gamzee and climbing the ranks with his moirail. It worked to an extent, their moirailship, even if he wanted to scream at Gamzee for being such a nooksucking imbecel eighty percent of the time. Somehow, they both ended up as generals. Gamzee for his caste and John more for the fact he had a thinkpan in his skull. He was crafty, like most ceruleans were and used every opportunity he could to get one step closer to taking what he desired. Stifling out a rebellion was a piece of cake compared to taking down the orphanage. It was no sacrifice to send highbloods there during Karkat’s heat, let them weaken the fortress and overtake it if possible.

The flush he felt once was gone, replaced by a sea of black. He didn’t care whether the other was bred by someone else or not anymore. Getting Karkat weakened and under his thumb was the important part. Owning him would come later. That was was the whole point of keeping Gamzee around. The other was an indigoblood and could buy as many nookslaves as he wanted. It would be easy to get Gamzee to buy Karkat for him as a gift. Underhanded and slimey but John knew what had to be done.

John woke that night like he did any other, clutching his bedsheet and burying his head into the pillow. He had another one of those dreams where he and Karkat had fucked, had brood after brood of eggs. He didn’t care much for the eggs, he just wanted to feel how hot and tight the other’s nook was. He was an idiot. Somehow through everything, he still cared for the redblood. Not the same as before but something remained. The lack of progress with the battle plans brought no ending to his frustrations.

The plans to attack the orphanage were moving along much too slowly. They had the place mapped out, information leaked to them by Equius. It was easy to get the information from the kid, especially when they threatened his moirail. It became easier over time as the kid began to volunteer the information on his own. It hadn’t taken him long to realize his allegiances should lay with the empire, where they belonged. The information flowed like a trickle to a waterfall, the child desperate in his need to please.

Manipulating people was what John did best and Gamzee was there to ensure the wriggler didn’t lash out. Fear was a mighty weapon, after all. When crafting the plans began to wear him out, John had no problem letting Gamzee take over. Gamzee was a good interrogator but John was the smarter of the two. Gamzee had less finesse when it came to planning but  was good when it came to finagling something out of the blueblooded child and molding him into a respectable troll of his caste.

The girl was more trouble, loyal to Karkat through and through. They had tried to get her to bend to them but  after two and a half sweeps there had been zero breakthrough. John had broken the girls toes countless times, Gamzee inflicting worse. Nothing. Eventually John just gave up, she was harmless anyways. She obeyed Equius and that was good enough for him. Not to mention her general attitude towards her situation. She knew she could never overpower the highbloods, yet she had her uses.

She kept Equius pacified, the kid scared even John when he had a bloodrage. Not because he became a cold killer or a maniac, not like Gamzee did. Equius seemed to gain immense amounts of strength. John had to hold back a screech the first time the teen had split a table in half just by striking it in anger. A highbloods first bloodrage was always confusing and they had to get Nepeta to calm him down and shoosh pap him.

Equius grew up and became a model citizen, one who obeyed their superiors and showed no hesitance towards treating those of lower caste how they deserved. Nepeta was always the exception naturally, pale feelings always triumphed in the greater scheme of things. John wasn’t going to interfere, as long as the girl kept him from returning to the criminal’s side. She knew her words had to be chosen carefully or else she would be punished. They had, multiple times at first, each time she slipped up and tried to get Equius to run.

The girl learned her place in time. She was nothing more than a tool. Olivebloods were low and worthless, just worker bees. She learned to speak only when was needed and to never bring up Karkat. The entire subject became taboo since talking about it only interfered with Equius’s teachings.It was the for the best after all. Breaking up that orphanage, returning the wrigglers to where they belonged and most importantly, putting Karkat where he belonged. The girl got off easy really, considering her childhood crimes. Had she not been with Equius she would have been subjected to laboring in the cold and stony mines. John threatened her with that many times, making sure she knew where she stood. It worked to a point, the girl growing silent when need be. A moirail to a blueblood was the best she was ever going to get. She should be grateful.

Time seemed to pass much faster after the blueblood told them everything he could. A sweep and a half had passed by the time he ran out of things to say. They taught in return, teaching him the ways of the hemospectrum, his place in it. If John was his lusus he would have been proud of him for managing to make such changes. As he wasn’t though, John was just pleased that the kid had grown into something beneficial to the empire.

The rumors of a second redblood were beginning to surface as well. The reports coming from the forest scouts validated the suspicion. The scent of heat emitting from the forest was stronger than ever. John couldn’t let that remain unattended to. Reluctantly, he went through the registry of redbloods in the imperial database and found another redblood missing, one by the name of Daviid Strider. He had been less than a sweep away from his first heat and the kid had gone missing. This couldn’t have been mere coincidence.

The kid was the other redblood.

Fine, whatever. He would put that guy in his place too. He had no space in his quadrants for him. To John this Daviid was just another breeder. A common whore out on the streets, unimportant.

Plans for the attack were coming along and all it would take would be a bit more time. Not to mention paperwork. Why did everything have to be paperwork? Securing an armada of three airships was painful enough and getting the troops for it even worse, why did there have to be so much paperwork as well? There would be constant exposure to the scent of redbloods and he needed troops who would be able to kept a level head and resist their instincts for as long as possible. They had to be ready and John didn’t mind waiting. Their timeline was estimated to be two sweeps before the dominosall fell into place. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t that long. John had already waited 10 sweeps since the day he had been betrayed. Compared to that, a little bit longer was nothing.

John had finally convinced himself out of bed, groggily making it to his ablutionblock. He ran a hand over his right horn, feeling the groove where his childhood horn stopped and the regrowth began. It hadn’t healed right, uneven now with his right horn. There was nothing he could do about it now, unless he wanted to break it off again and put a mold onto the disfigured horn while it regrew. Many highbloods did that, uneven horns weren’t considered attractive. Equius was lucky, his grew back properly and without much assistance. John hadn’t even thought about that happening when he was seven, more concerned about everything else. He had just lost his best friend and pity crush after all.

He scowled. There was no time to dwindle on the past. John had a long day ahead of him.

 _Fun shit._ After a slow abolution he made it to where the kids were being held. Nepeta was curled up against her moirail, the two asleep in a plush pile of toys. It was cute, almost like an old timey movie. Still, he had no choice at this point. He cleared his throat and rapped on the wall, waking Equius. The blueblood looked at him with one eye open and Nepeta refused to acknowledge him.

“Rise and shine, long day ahead of you. We need to clear up a few more details on the orphanage before we start finalizing the plans to take down that nuthouse.” Equius took a moment to respond, yawning as he sat up.

“Okay, if I have to. I just...need to get ready. I’ll meet you down in the usual spot?”

John nodded. “Of course, wouldn’t want you to get lost.”

Not that Equius ever got lost, he was good at navigation, which came in handy when they were mapping out the fortress in the first place. John gave a half smile to Equius before leaving, giving the kid time to get ready. He might as well grab breakfast for all of them. It was under peculiar circumstances that all four ended up in the same hive. Equius and Nepeta had no wriggler care center and thus John adopted them. He didn’t really take part of their upbringing like a jade would but  he did well enough. Clothes, food, the basics. Besides, what else did a wriggler need? He had no idea, nor did he care. They weren’t dead and that was good enough.

John sighed, opening the meatvault and staring into it’s chilly depths. They had hoofbeast milk and whatever else. Cluckbeast eggs looked good and he took out the carton for that to make an omelette. If Karkat was there he would be the one cooking breakfast right then. John broke the eggs into a bowl and whisked them silently. He still felt betrayed over what had happened all those sweeps ago. His thoughts drifted to how it could be different.

The imperial army was urging him to take action. He didn’t have much time left to act. he important thing was putting Karkat where he belonged, into a breeding chair and fucked until he made up for all those he had killed plus some. John wanted to be the first, though he probably wouldn’t be. When it came to highbloods, he was on the lower end of the spectrum. He knew that, everyone did. Karkat was already in check with how much they knew about the layout of the orphanage, it would only be a matter of time now.

John hummed as he lowered the heat on the eggs, going to set the table. Nepeta was already there, the timid girl putting things in their place. She hadn’t always been so soft spoken, refusing to even look John in the eyes. Her fire had been dimmed over the past two sweeps, a low flame that kept Equius warm but  nothing dangerous. She was now just a soft comforting candle to Equius’s growing frame. He gave her a nod as he handed the pan and spatula to her to portion out. She did, once again silently. He really wished she would speak again, the silence was kind of spooky. He doubted she would in front of him however, he was one of the reasons she had trouble walking now. He didn’t really care and if it was too much trouble Equius would take responsibility for it.Equius joined him shortly after, John smiling as he sat at the table. Like most highbloods he grew fast once he reached puberty, blood rages starting to become common. He had a balance at least, Nepeta calming him down through the worst of them. It was something, having a bloodrage that is. Equius looked like he was scared of them. That was fair enough, a first bloodrage was always terrifying.

John remembered his first one and how he had punched Nektan so hard that he’d ended up with a bloody nose. He never did find out what happened to the guy but  it didn’t matter now. That little suburb was far in the reaches of his memory. Last he recalled, a few wrigglers from one of his broodsiblings lived there now, all being taken care of by Hopdad. The poor rabbit, age was creeping up on him. That was depressing and John shook his head, clearing it of thoughts of his childhood. He did not need this, not today. He had important things to discuss.

John cleared his throat, catching Equius’s attention.

“So. Your eighth wriggler day was a few weeks ago.” John moved his fork into the middle of his eggs, cutting it in half before sticking the yellow fluff into his mouth. Equius looked up from his milk, he had been nursing the glass in his palms for the past few minutes. He hadn’t so much as touched his food. Shame, it would get cold if the boy didn’t eat it soon.

“Yeah, so?” Equius finally put the glass down, starting to dissect his sunny-side eggs, letting the yellow yolk spill on his plate as he dipped a slice of toast into it. It actually looked good and John considered doing his own eggs this way next time.

“So… That means you’re almost at the age you should be looking at your future.” John was going to make this as civil as he possibly could, urge the wriggler to do what would benefit him more than anything rather than really care about his future. John took some toast and spread jam on it, biting down and savoring the taste of sweet blueberries.

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking and--” John cut him off with a muffled sound, continuing to chew his food. Equius would have to wait a moment while John swallowed. A bit too fast, his throat kind of stung and he took a gulp of orange juice.John beat on his chest a bit, dislodging the toast from his proteinchute. God that felt awful. Equius’s brows furrowed.

“You’re going to join the drone army.” Equius’s hands were back at his glass, just holding it again, like it was some sort of comfort.

“What? No, what I was going to say was --” John cut him off again.

“Of course you are. It’s only the greatest honor to join her Imperial Majesties army and fight alongside the best of the best. It would only suit you.” Equius pursed his lip, fingers clutching the glass in his hands. Cracks appeared near his thumbs. The boy was strong and having a hard time keeping his temper.

“I don’t want to fight.” Equius sped through the sentence, taking barely a second to say it. John paused, looking at Equius. He smirked, resting his elbows on the table and his face in his palms.

“Oh? And what would you rather do than serve the Condence? That’s something most people in your position never get to do.” That was a lie and John knew it. Equius was a blueblood for fuck’s sake, he had everything in his favor. “It’s all set up, really. You would be trained by the best, I would make sure of it. Then when the time comes, you could take vengeance against your original kidnapper and put that redblood where he belongs.”

“Karkat did not mean to hurt those wrigglers, he’s simply misguided on where his place should be.” John saw how nervous Equius was and smiled, rising from his seat and walking behind the troll to put a sturdy grey hand on the kid's shoulder.

“And nothing. You were in there so long, it’s no wonder your mind is warped and you still try to avoid facing the truth. You grew up thinking blood hue had no power and that you were equal to an olive. Not that I have anything against Nepeta but she’s not like us. I’m fine with the relationship you have with her. You can’t deny that she’s weak, though. Why, I bet if she had to fight someone like Gamzee or even myself, she wouldn’t last a minute. Lowbloods are weak, that’s why they’re not important.”

“Yes they’re weak but...they are important. Nepeta is my moirail and-” The glass formed more cracks, Equius was shaking and John could see the orange starting to build in his eyes.

“That doesn’t change the fact that it’s true.”

Equius growled, pushing John’s hand off his shoulder. His other hand was still on the cup, squeezing it until the glass couldn’t take the pressure and burst into a shower of glass.

“Do not insult my moirail like that. I could insult yours and --” Equius’s hand was bleeding, glass shards stuck in it. Milk and blood poured down his fisted fingers. Equius didn’t seem to notice the pain until he looked down, pulled from the edge of a bloodrage. He stared down at his palm, pulling out a large shard and putting it in the remains of the cup that still stood on the table.

“But you wouldn’t insult Gamzee. You know where the castes fall. He’s better than both of us. He’s an indigoblood and --”

“I’m better than you.” John paused, eyes widening as he looked at Equius. The hemospectrum had sunk in and Equius was using it in his argument. John chuckled, smirking a bit.

“I didn’t become a general with my good looks alone, Equius. I’m stronger than I look. Besides, I have almost a decade on you.” John smirked coldly, crossing his arms and watching the blueblood’s eyes dart around. They were filling in nicely, the dark blue hue making it obvious to everyone just who the kid was.

“I’ll- I-”

“Yes?” John wasn’t going to goad the kid more, the uncertainty in the kid's voice was just fucking sad. Of course the kid would do as John desired, he was just another puppet to get what he wanted after all.

“I don’t want to fight. I want to help people.”

“Yes, you would be helping by keeping people in line. That’s a drones duty. We’re not bad guys, we’re just keeping the natural order of things. Sure, we get violent at times but that’s in a troll's nature. It’s in _your_ nature.” John tapped Equius’s nose with the tip of his index’s claw, going to work on helping clean up the mess near the table.

“I don’t want it to be,” Equius dropped another shard into the broken cup. “I want to help people. Trolls get hurt all the time and I want to help them. That first bloodrage..when I thoughtlessly broke that table and that yellowblood’s arm, I had nightmares about it for weeks. I wanted to fix it and… I can’t hurt anyone John. I don’t have it in me.”

“That’s because you’re still a kid. It took me a while to realize as well that violence is just something that happens. You’ll get used to it. Now, stop sounding like a sniveling rustblood and we can get started on your paperwork. I’ll give you all kinds of recommendations.”

“You’re not listening to him! You make people do things they don’t want. In fact, I know there’s no way you and Gamzee are really moirails. You’re more a lusus to him than anything. You just stick around him because of his caste!” John’s eyes flickered to Nepeta who covered her mouth. She knew she had said too much and lowered her head, afraid of being punished for saying what was on her mind.

“I’m sorry,” She said in a single breath. “It’s just...nevermind.”

John would let it slide, this time anyways. He turned back towards Equius who seemed to be in shock. There was no excusing what the oliveblood seemed to see so easily. John might as well tell the truth here, let everything out into the open. John smirked, walking over to the oliveblood and put his hands on her tiny shoulders. He fould feel her stiffen up as he leaned into her ear, saying words loud enough for both wrigglers to hear.

“Exactly. See? Without drones who could prevent someone from punishing lowbloods for speaking out of turn.” He pulled back, Nepeta silent now, staring at her untouched eggs. He looked back at Equius who was clearly holding his tongue in check.

“It’s true, I don’t really feel anything for him. That doesn’t mean the same goes for him. I’m just there to keep the moron from dying in his own vomit. He’s an indigoblood, you know what kind of power comes from that? The privilege? You know, you’ll find riding on the coattails of someone powerful isn’t all that bad. It’s why you’re here now instead of some dungeon. I promised I would mold you into a proper young blueblood remember? Now act like it.”

“I.. Fine. I’ll join your drone army. As a doctor.”

John thought a moment and nodded.

“You’ll still have to learn how to fight and in time you’ll see being a doctor is lowblood work. Just wait, you’ll see I’m right.” John took the cup and tossed it in the trash before turning towards Equius. “Finish your breakfast, we have to meet Gamzee in the office for the final relay of the orphanage’s layout. I need to make sure everything is in order for the attack. It really is a shame you don’t want to take part, have some revenge against your former captor. I guess it makes sense in a way. You did live there for some time after all. Loyalty; however misplaced, can still be considered commendable.”

Equius was pulled from his thoughts and nodded. “Alright.”

John let the boy leave before directing Nepeta to put the rest of the dishes into the sink. She knew best not to follow them until the chore was complete. John’s main priority was getting to the drone station and getting through a bit more paperwork, he had no time for such lowblooded work. He had an ever growing pile of paperwork to process. It was tedious but it brought him one step closer to getting the thing he desired the most: Karkat.

 

 ****

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like writing John, John is fun to write. Can’t wait till the eventual attack of the orphanage. So much John...Mahaha. Can you believe I drew all 3 panels in 1 day? My hand does, it hurts a lot. Nepeta came out really well and I'm happy. Also, blood is hard to draw. Omg. I have no words for how long I spent making it look like not crap. I'm going to go take a nap for like 3 days now. 
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	24. Calm before the Storm: Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting for an egg to hatch was slower than waiting for paint to dry. At least now the red egg would have company. Kanaya returns and so do a few other wrigglers who have left the orphanage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Karkat's terrible cooking skills and sandwich combinations that should not exist.

With all the excitement over the eggs and the prospect of new grubs, a few of the old orphans returned. Eridan was among them, coming hand in hand with a strange yellowblood that Dave didn’t know.

“This is Sollux,” Eridan motioned at the lanky, agitated troll. “He left about a sweep before you showed up. Met up with him when I left and I’ve been stuck with his bitchy ass ever since.” Sollux huffed, sending a sharp elbow into Eridan’s side. Eridan simply grinned and squeezed Sollux’s hand before blowing a kiss and winking. Sollux just smirked and pretended he didn’t see it. It became immediately obvious the two were in some sort of quadrant. Eridan seemed flustered by Sollux’s action, trying to move in for a cheek kiss to validate flush. Sollux let him get within a fraction of an inch of his face and moved to Eridan’s lips ended up on his jawline. Eridan huffed out before Sollux grinned and kissed him with nary a bite. Dave was pretty confused, unsure which one the two were in. Maybe they were in both, much like many trolls took the same troll in multiple quadrants nowadays. With not enough people around, the quadrant system was a blended mess with no defining lines. He was about to ask before Karkat came into view and slung his arms around the two love/hate birds.

“Stuck with him you say?” Karkat took a step forward, glancing up and down the two. “You sure you aren't doing it willingly?” Eridan facepalmed to hide his mortification. Sollux’s smirk turned into a wide grin and he broke down laughing. Apparently a sweep age difference was enough for the two to act like baking soda and vinegar with their tendency to blow up at each other. It was pretty damn amusing. Karkat smirked, resting a palm on his cheek. “I take it you two are getting close.” Eridan’s face flushed purple, all while Sollux smirked. It was pretty obvious the yellowblood had Eridan wrapped around his finger.

The three exited the corridor, Dave watching until they were out of view. He shrugged and moved on to do something productive. Like staring at his egg. He hadn’t done that for a good two hours. Regardless of what Dave was doing, Karkat had his own plans. Karkat kept teasing the two relentlessly whenever he caught them curled up in a corner, cuddling or fighting in their miniscule library about the plot of a book and how the ending was either perfect or the biggest bulgetease on the planet. It kept going on up until Sollux gave an accusing point of fingers at Karkat’s swollen belly. Dave was present for when that happened. Karkat put his hands on his stomach and Dave couldn’t help but laugh as Karkat’s face turned crimson, followed by an angry glare from Karkat all while Eridan and Sollux sent each other satisfied looks.

A few days after, Kanaya returned and Dave couldn’t help but run towards her and envelop her in a hug. Letters may have been a decent way to placate the need to be with his moirail, but seeing her again in person? He was a purring mess in seconds. He’d missed her so much. She seemed just as excited as he was, both grinning at the other.

“It’s been awhile.” Dave commented, pulling away from the embrace at last. His eyes stung and Kanaya wiped away the tears that had escaped the younger troll.  
“Yes, it has. We can go meet up in your room and--”

Dave shook his head.

“It’s not just my room anymore, I’m with Karkat now. Well, I made that clear in one of my letters right? We can go to the study hall and relax near the fireplace. Not that we have a fire going, it’s kind of too warm for that. Offer still stands though. You, me. Chilling like we used to.”

Kanaya nodded and followed Dave into the room, talking the entire way. It had been so long and so much had changed. Dave told her all about the egg, his new relationship with Karkat. He told her about his bloodrage, how he didn’t even hesitate to take down the enemy. Kanaya listened to every word he said and he listened to her in turn. The outside world had become such a stranger to him, he hardly even remembered it.

“So the merchant you work for is also a jadeblood?”

“Yes, of course. I think it’s because the empire views jadebloods as the only ones capable of handling such products. Soper is such a hard commodity to come by because of the way it’s made.”

“What’s it made of anyways?” Curiosity gave the better of him and he just had to ask. Kanaya fussed at her lip, thinking. Dave quirked an eyebrow and Kanaya’s face twisted into a frown.

“It’s uhm...It’s...You don’t want to know.” It didn’t answer his question at all but based on the expression on his moirail’s face, her answer was very accurate.

“Fair enough. Come on, I haven't seen you in ages and I’m missing out on two sweeps of paleness. You have to tell me everything.”

Kanaya shook her head and kept going. Dave had so much to tell her and he didn’t know where to begin. Only so much could be written in a letter. He hadn’t mailed her since he had laid his eggs. He was still devastated at how he had reacted to his clutch not turning out how he wanted. Putting the words together for how he felt was far too difficult. He wished he could express his feelings, not hide behind a cold exterior and pretend he was fine because it certainly wasn’t.

They turned a corner and they had made it to the study hall. There wasn’t anyone there and that was a relief, Dave didn’t want anyone to see him be weak. That frailty was Kanaya’s alone, not even Karkat was allowed to see.

“I gave birth without soper and didn’t die.” Dave somehow managed to say it without his voice cracking. Letting that information pass his lips was a confirmation of how much he had failed his offspring. “There were fourteen eggs and only five of them made it.” Dave shut his eyes, biting at his lip to keep himself from losing control.“ I lost my cool and killed my children.” Dave gripped his arm, staring down at his lap in shame.

“I didn’t mean to, I guess I was in over my head after laying them. I thought I would be fine with whatever happened, you know? I didn’t. I completely lost it. I don’t have words for how much I fucked up.” He forced his claws to stop digging into his skin, bright red handmarks on his arm.

“I regret it so much, it’s like my heart was being crushed. I thought I would drown when I realized what I had done.” He let out a weak chuckle, Kanaya moving in to cup his face as his lip trembled. He pulled back, shutting his eyes as if imagining those last few moments of his clutches lives.

“It still hurts? I wish I had given them all a chance, pass out like I was supposed to. We’re supposed to pass out after laying...or is that what the soper is for? So the eggs are out of harm's reach? Do other redbloods even feel this way, or do they get so used to their eggs being taken they don’t feel anything?”

Dave didn’t even realize he was crying, Kanaya reaching over and cradling his face in her hands. She wiped away the tears that had streamed down his face and held him when he eventually broke down. He hadn’t realized just how much pain he felt, how much he needed his moirail. He was clutching her shirt, body shaking as he tried to control himself. He wanted to calm down, pretend it didn’t hurt, that he was over it. He wasn’t, he didn’t think he ever would be. Kanaya was rubbing his back, trying to calm him. She was making calming sounds, shooshing his sobs and rubbing the base of his horns in circles.

Eventually, Dave calmed down enough to where the tears had stopped and he was just sitting in the warmth of Kanaya’s arms. He wasn’t even thinking, just existing in the moment. Kanaya brushed his bangs behind his ear.

“It’s okay Dave,” She ran a hand over his cheek. “You’ll be okay.”

Dave smiled into her chest, head resting against her soft bosom and lay there relaxed.

Gentle hands wove through his hair as he lay there, black eyelashes brushing his grey skin. The darkness was a welcome sight, not to mention it eased the tension he had felt all day. Up until his instincts were blasting in his ears and he went to check up on his egg. Single egg or not, he was still it’s broodmother and he cared for it, even if the life that grew inside was a cursed one.

 

***

 

Kanaya stayed with Dave as long as she could, lulling the redblood to sleep. Dave’s face had a relaxed look on it. She smiled, brushing some white hair out of his face. It always fascinated her, so different from the other wrigglers in the orphanage.

Dave wasn’t a wriggler anymore, however, and neither was she. The time she had spent away from her childhood home had opened her eyes at how secluded they were. Technology was minimal in the orphanage. Most technology had been lost after the fall of the empire. Ironic how in the search to improve the mothergrub they had destroyed her instead.

Redbloods were their only option now, and she had come to understand that. She wished the empire had another way, besides the forced slavery for an entire caste. It was disheartening when near everyone saw mutantbloods on equal terms to that of an animal. It was even worse considering she lived outside the sanctuary of the orphanage now. She didn’t think it was too savage, redbloods were nowhere as abused as Karkat had described. Or worse, the redbloods who didn’t have an owner strapped up in public for anyone’s use. Even off their heat, they were seen as a warm hole for a troll to get off too. Even more so during their heat.

Kanaya sighed, shaking her head clear of such thoughts. It was sick but there was naught she could do about it. She was just a jadeblood, nothing she did or said would be taken into account. She wanted to tell Dave how things had started to turn for the better. In fact, she was going to. Moment the tired broodmother woke up and had something to eat. She would let him rest, it had been an emotional night so far.

Kanaya walked over to the kitchen, thinking to procure a sandwich.Something simple, like a bacon and tomato sandwich. She was ravenous. She walked through the castle corridor with her claws raking against the stone bricks, musing about days long gone when she would run through them screeching like the wriggler she was. How she wished she could act so rambunctious like before, free of care and unknowing how harsh Alternia really was.

The scent of broodmother hit her moment she stepped through the wooden archway, her claws digging a bit into the stone. It was funny really, she didn’t react to Dave at all yet Karkat seemed to be so much different. She couldn’t help when she took in a deeper breath, resisting the urges she had that made her leave in the first place. She was 9 for goodness sake, an adult who should be able to resist such notions.She shook her head of the vulgar and unwanted thoughts.

Karkat was basically her lusus. She couldn’t ever imagine doing that, yet instincts were instincts. She cleared her throat, pulling Karkat’s attention from --.

“Is that an anchovy and peanut butter sandwich? Karkat I know you are brooding but that is disgusting.” Karkat merely shrugged at her before returning his attention to his monstrosity of a grubloaf sandwich and taking a bite.

“It has horseradish too, the merchant that brings the mayo is two days late and I had to make do.” Kanaya simply made a skeptical face. She knew broodmothers got to eat whatever they wanted even if it did seem like a creature from the deep had possessed Karkat’s pallet. Karkat had been wrong about the mayonnaise, Kanaya pulling out the still sealed jar from the back of the fridge and Karkat sent her a shocked look.

“When did that get here?!” Kanaya just smirked, shaking her head before gently placing the container on the counter. “Seriously I did not see it when I was making this.”

“Oh the travesty, no mayo on your fish and peanut sandwich. Karkat, what you are putting in your mouth is the worst combination of edible substinance that I have ever seen. You’re talking to the troll that lived most of her life eating wild game. I’m surprised you even bothered getting proper food supplies.”

“Wrigglers were complaining, I had to make some contact with the outside world.” Karkat licked his fingers, some of the horseradish and fish oil had ended up on his claws. Kanaya had to look away, something about that was extremely erotic.

“I’m surprised you did considering any one of them could have taken the lowered drawbridge as an invitation for an attack. Who knows what would have happened then.”

“Which is why I picked mostly the elderly merchants to do business with. They seem to be more sympathetic with a redbloods plight. I don’t think they even respond to us anymore, plus the huge majority of them are the last of the brownbloods.”

Kanaya sent Karkat a sympathetic look. Once those merchants were dead, that would be another caste that had died off. When the last mothergrub took her final breath, it was the beginning of the end of the troll civilization. The highbloods were spared, long lives gave them plenty of time to wait out for new redbloods to grow up and harbor their seed. The lowerbloods like maroon and brown weren’t so lucky. Rust was a rarity, an endangered caste. Kanaya had seen one in her entire life and none were in Karkat’s care. The brownbloods alive right now were aging, there simply wasn’t enough redbloods to go around. Soon enough the other castes would follow until there was no one left.  

Redbloods didn’t last long enough to keep their numbers up and they were just delaying what every troll knew in the back of their mind; that sooner or later, their civilization would fall and trolls would only be remembered in the pages of alien history books. Kanaya wondered if she would even live to see the final strings of their society cut.

Regardless, her mind should be with Karkat, not in her own thoughts about the dilemma of their dying breed. She cleared her throat, watching as Karkat started putting together another atrocity of a sandwich. This time it was birdbeast and tomatoes. Not as bad as his previous one. Or at least until he added a slice of beetroot. Kanaya made a face.

“That’s it. Your sandwich making privileges are revoked. Put that mustard down. That does not belong on turkey!” She reached over, taking the knife slathered with yellow goop and held it away from Karkat’s fingers.

“Mustard is great on this and I don’t see what your problem is.”

“The problem is you’re eating a musclebeast’s weekly intake in a matter of minutes!”

“Your point?” Karkat reiterated as he reached for Kanaya’s hand.

“The point is you will get fat and be unable to defend the orphanage!  Karkat,” She let out a deep breath, “they are talking about a siege.”

Karkat frowned as he picked up another knife and spread the yellow condiment on it. He let out a sigh, as he lathered a second slice of bread with the substance. This rumor wasn’t anything new. That one had been going around since he turned this run down castle into a home for every wriggler who needed him.

“Let them come, I’ve fought off plenty of trolls before.” He put down the knife, setting it aside as he finished the sandwich and took a bite. “Besides, I have Dave helping me. You should see how good he is now, you'd be proud. Maybe I could have him spar with one of the older kids and show off? But not right now, he’s too busy with his egg. I swear, he’s like a mother hen.”

“Karkat… he’s a broodmother. That is a mother hen. I doubt you’ll be any different.” Karkat let out an annoyed scoffed, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah right. I’ve taken care of so many wrigglers that it’s second nature to me. I’ve seen eggs incubate and all that, I’ll be fine. Reason I have Dave wrigglersit sometimes, so he’ll get used to being around them and taking care of them. Just in case.”

“In case what?”

“Kanaya, I’m thirteen. I’ll be fourteen soon enough. Most redbloods don’t make it past twenty-five.”

“That’s because they die during the laying. Troll bodies aren't meant for this you know.”

“I know. Redbloods are not built for it either. Even if they’re capable doesn’t mean the breeding should be so intense. I just wish others could see that.” Kanaya glanced down, pulling on her sleeve. This was a difficult subject to talk about, lest of all to her lusus.

“We both know the only reason it’s happening is because our species is dying out. I’m pretty sure if this wasn’t happening..well, we both know what happened to redbloods before this entire thing went down.” Karkat scowled as something foul touched his tongue. “There’s a pepper in this mustard. Why?” He sputtered, trying to spit it out and wiped his tongue with his hand. Kanaya just shook her head and got him a glass of water. Karkat let out a pleased sound and downed the entire thing, wiping the remains away with the side of his arm.

“Thanks. Anyways, besides the never ending struggle of my existence, how have you been?” Karkat was always avoidant of talking about his own problems, changing the subject at the first opportunity. Kanaya smiled, choosing to humor the pregnant troll.

“Oh, well. I’ve been perfectly peachy. The merchant I work for is a good supplier of things used in the breeding homes and platforms. I wish I wasn’t involved with it, but what else can I do? I’m not a doctor, or anything. Can you believe it? Even with two entire castes dying off, jadebloods are still seen as caretakers. Instead of the brooding caverns we’re now taking care of redbloods and other trolls. It’s all medical things. I’m sure in the past it was different and people were allowed some freedom in their profession, but there simply aren’t enough of us now.”

“I know. The majority of the labor force died off almost twenty sweeps ago with the last of the brownbloods.”

Kanaya nodded, shutting her eyes. “Yellow is rare too, I think Sollux is one of the  youngest of his caste and he’s 10 now.”

“A fifth through his life, he still has time.”

“Yes, but they’re restricting who has access to redbloods now because they don’t live long. I think you’re one of the older ones. It’s funny, you look nothing like them. They’re aging fast.”

Karkat shrugged, flipping through his sandwich to check for any more peppers. Once that search turned up empty, he took another bite and sighed. “It’s probably because I don’t breed.”

“You have though…” She eyed Karkat’s puffed out belly. He was nowhere near as large as some breedingnooks she had seen, but enough to smell the slightly almond scent of a broodmother.

“Once. It’s probably a small clutch, too. It’s not like I’m breeding on twenty different bulges. Not to mention Dave had a small clutch himself. Mine’s probably no bigger.”

“Yes, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. The main reason redbloods are so scarce is because they can’t breed each other. How did you two manage?”

“No clue, but it’s not like it matters much. Of Dave’s clutch most of them were already dead.”

“Yes, I’ve seen the egg. It’s just as red as both of you. It’s still hard for him, did you know? He told me he still hurts.”

“Yeah…” Karkat said the answer like his thoughts were elsewhere. Kanaya frowned, curious as to what was bothering the disgruntled troll before her. Karkat didn’t usually keep things from any of his wrigglers. She figured if Karkat didn’t want to talk about it, she would let it go for now. Dave had told her enough regarding the subject and it was clear Karkat didn’t want to talk about it.  

“Regardless, your clutch is brooding nicely and you have to start thinking about how you’re going to lay. You’re older than Dave and don’t have the same benefits of youth that allowed him to lay unassisted from soper. It is much more likely that a complication may arrive, therefore we should be cautious."

Karkat frowned. “I’ll be fine. Just because there’s an age difference doesn’t mean I’ll suddenly explode into a shower of guts and blood.”

“If this wasn’t your first clutch perhaps that would be the case and you wouldn’t require the assistance, yet here we are. Karkat, you’re so important to all the wrigglers here, it would be devastating to lose you.” Karkat  sighed and glanced away from Kanaya to have a staring contest with the ceiling.

“Fine, we’ll use soper if we have to. If we don’t need it, I don’t want any. That shit is bad for you.”

A ‘maybe’ was as close as Kanaya was going to get with Karkat and she grinned, hugging the elder and picking him up off the ground by a few inches. Karkat let out a grunt, trying to wiggle free of the jadeblood’s superior strength. While he was far stronger during a bloodrage, during the time he was calm he was as brittle as a stick. He was near harmless when it came to his wrigglers, even if they were all grown up now.

“Kanaya, I would like to be on the ground.” She stopped, blinking a few times before setting Karkat on the ground. His sweater had risen up a bit, exposing his slightly expanded out belly.  He hid it again rather quickly, pulling down the fabric and smoothing it out with his hands.

“Sorry.” Kanaya gave him a nervous smile, hoping being lifted didn’t piss him off. She had heard tales of Karkat’s relentless rage but never experienced it. She would have liked to keep it that way.

“It’s fine.” Kanaya looked down at Karkat, something she hadn’t needed to do prior to leaving the first time. She had grown rather tall and willowy after her molt, something she had to experience on her own after leaving the orphanage. Even the merchant wasn’t much help. Yet after, that was when she met the indigoblood. The very cute indigoblood that she couldn’t help but flirt with. How cute she was and how soft her lips were when eventually --.

“Kanaya, you’re blushing.” Kanaya was pulled from her thoughts, looking at Karkat. “Anything you want to tell me?” Karkat had that look on his face. One that she couldn’t resist. No one could help but spill the beans around the troll when he got that look in his eyes.

“I met someone.”

“Oh?” Karkat leaned on the counter, using his palm to keep his face propped up. “Tell me more.”

Kanaya couldn’t believe this was happening. Somehow her life had turned into a golden Era sitcom where the lowly jadeblood fell for the indigoblooded sexual goddess and her lusus was there to cheer her on.

“She’s cute, curvy, everything I could ever dream of. Plus, she’s a doctor. I know you would think an idnigoblood could do so much better, but I can’t help but swoon. She’s a thinkpan doctor, I think the word is a psychologist? She’s really good at it too, she could tell I was flush crushing on her the moment our eyes met. The best part is she likes me back! I actually have a date with her in a week so I’ll temporarily be going back to the city.”

Karkat nodded at that, Kanaya glad for that. “Just don’t lay those eggs in the meantime, you still have two perigees to go!” Karkat’s eyes fell to his **_puffed_** out belly, a hand raising up to pat it before stopping, falling to his side in a fist. It had to be hard accepting he was doing what he had avoided for so long, breeding. Karkat sighed, pushing any rampant thoughts aside and smiled at Kanaya.

“Obviously, nothing is keeping you from enjoying your date. Have fun okay?” Kanaya smiled, standing at last. She was worried for Karkat but there wasn’t much she could say or do to make the other ask for her assistance, not unless he was on the edge of a cliff or something.

“Just don’t eat any more horrorterrors of a meal while I’m gone. Dave will tell me if you do.”

Karkat burst out laughing at this and Kanaya couldn’t help but grin. She seriously hoped Karkat didn’t poison himself from his food, not the first time it had happened. With that, she left to her room, plopping down on the soft cool surface of her bed. She was tired and would start packing to return back to the city the next day. Hopefully she wouldn’t be missed too badly. She should tell Dave.

 

***

 

Dave was understandably upset that Kanaya was leaving but she reassured him it would only be a for a matter of days and Dave nodded, hugging his moirail as he bid farewell. It wasn’t like she was leaving for another two sweeps and even if she did, it would take Dave kicking and screaming to let his pitymate leave again with a diamond shaped hole in his bloodpusher. He reluctantly released her hand, watching her go through the gate. He knew she would be back by the end of the week, but that time would feel like an eternity. She kept him from losing his cool over his broodling, either from staring at it endlessly with no concern for his own well being or rambling on about how worried he was about a third redblood in the orphanage. Not to mention Karkat’s own clutch and how badly that might turn out if his resembled anything like Dave’s.

This was going to be a long weekend, he couldn’t wait for it to be over. He made his way to his room and sat down on the bed, bringing the basket to his lap. This was as close to his egg as he was going to get. He felt too anxious to touch it, worried he would hurt it. That fear was unfounded, he was so protective of the thing. Refusing Karkat to even look at the bright red orb. Then when Karkat called him out about it, he got defensive and hissed at his matesprit. Not like he could help it, the instinct of a broodmother was strong, even stronger than his instincts as a redblood.

At least with Karkat swelling and starting to show it was calming. A comrade in arms if you will. Karkat joined him an hour into his tending of the egg. Dave was rubbing it with a towel, a barrier between him and the precious thin shell of his grub. He looked over and like clockwork, Karkat sat down on the bed. He moved a pillow against the headboard and leaned on it, and Dave rested his head on the other’s shoulder. They sat like this for what felt like ages before Dave decided he had enough time with his egg and moved it over to the bookshelf before rejoining Karkat. He liked the silence, the serenity of the moment. Shifting his head he turned towards Karkat and kissed him.

No words had to be spoken as the two engaged deeper into their flush, lips moving against lips, teeth parted as tongues entwined. It wasn’t long before clothes were discarded to the floor and Dave was grinning down at Karkat.

“It’s been a while. How long? Almost two perigees?”

Karkat rolled his eyes and placed his hand behind Dave’s neck.

“Shut up and kiss me.”

Dave obliged, letting himself float into the kiss, into more until both trolls were moaning in pleasure, hands and claws and mouths everywhere. It had felt like so long since he had released that this was euphoria and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Karkat was the perfect matesprit and Dave loved him. They fell asleep that night tired and sore with bright smiles on their faces. If this is what the future held, Dave wasn’t so scared of intimacy after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Cackles evilly- You guys thought the orphanage was about to be attacked didn’t you? You were wrong. You get fluff instead. FLUFF. Also I am moving irl soon so won't be able to update a few weeks.
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	25. The Calm before the Storm: Forming Clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat’s eggs decide to join their redblooded kin in the outside world but nothing can ever go right for Karkat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood, gore, loss of life, angst

The following morning, Dave didn’t want to move. As good as last night had been, he was sore in places that shouldn't exist and Dave was warm and good and Dave never wanted to get out of bed. They had sex long into the hours of the day before exhaustion took them both. Dave yawned, shifting one of Karkat’s arm off his waist and made his way to the restroom. Sure there was the slight possibility that he was pregnant again but if it was with Karkat… Well. Dave wouldn’t mind really, he had sort of enjoyed it. The attention Karkat gave while he was swollen with their brood and when they finally opened up…

It was nice.

Dave yawed when he turned to face Karkat, the other’s face still relaxed with sleep. He smiled as Karkat pulled him close and grumbled into his hair. Karkat was warm and the cushion of his protruding belly was nice. He would have fallen back asleep if not for the alarm going off. He nearly fell off the bed in panic, eyes on his egg and Karkat. He was ready for action. Karkat had other things on his mind however and Dave had to smack him to wake the elder up.

"I hate you," Karkat lied vehemently, stealing a slightly sullen kiss. Dave gave a sly grin when they parted and hit Karkat with one of the pillows. Karkat’s eyes widened in shock as he pulled the pillow underneath him and hit Dave back. Dave ran off laughing, trying to pull on a fresh shirt all while in the middle of a battle with pillows. Both trolls were grinning as they tried to get ready for the night ahead. It turned into the unexpectedly fun process of getting dressed and ready for whatever waited outside their room.

Karkat had other things on his mind besides the threat of whatever had set the alarms off. By the time both of them were ready, Dave's lips were swollen from bites and Karkat's hair was more of a mess than usual and both of them were possibly a little too smug. Dave cleared his throat and tried to fan himself, grabbing the basket his egg lay in and walked over to the closet, hiding the egg in the dark corner. He took his sword and following Karkat out.

He expected to see the worst of the worst happening, fires, screaming, something like the orphanage being attacked. He did not expect a handful of mashed potatoes to collide with his face. Dave stood there stunned, mouth open. A chunk of the potatoes fell into his mouth and Dave spit it out, wiping his tongue with his arm. Of all the things Dave thought they would encounter, the wrigglers inciting a food fight was not one of them.

 

***

_Why._

This was Karkat's prevailing thought on the food fight. Dave made him actually look and see the level of havoc being wreaked too, not just roll over and assume the security system was panicking about a handful of thrown peas or something. Funny enough, it was exactly that which had set the alarm off within the stronghold. The wrigglers had started a food fight. Karkat couldn’t believe it at first, out of all the years of fine tuning the alarms, making sure everything was safe.. It was a food fight that set the blaring horns off. Karkat took a few moments of staring at Dave’s mushy goocovered face before bursting into laughter.

Karkat promptly dodged a ladleful of mac and cheese, the food hitting the wall in the hallway behind him. He gave a grin, looking at the terrified wiggler holding another handful of the orange noodles and went growling after the assailant. The wrigglers were all shrieking, especially as Karkat declared open warfare on the table that had apparently been hoarding the condiments. Even a pair of lusii partaking in a food fight didn’t tide the war, because apparently Eridan and Sollux were assholes and goading them on, flinging food in the opposite direction. It was a four sided war, Kanaya was actually against Dave and laughing as she threw an entire handful of gravy that clung to his hair. Dave picked up a tomato and hit her in the face with it. The girl gasped, wiping it off and the war began anew.

.Karkat loved each second of it, having spent the majority of the past few weeks just laying in bed and taking it easy. His belly was huge and a pain in the ass. Right now, though, it didn’t matter. For a pregnant redblood he moved fast, almost like he wasn’t even carrying. He got the feeling Dave was somewhat less than pleased by the fact that Karkat was marshaling the start of a grander food war, switching sides and directing his young charges on how to rapid fire bomb strikes of soggy tomatoes. All the kids were horrible messes and laughing and clinging. He was having far too much fun. They captured Eridan who had been the ringleader of the food fight, locking him into a broom closet. Sollux joined him shortly after, tied together with bits of masking tape. They locked the door and left them there. Eventually someone would let them out. Hopefully.

Karkat couldn’t help the smirk of satisfaction as he left the key dangling from the door. He turned back towards the fight which seemed to be winding down and winced. His side hurt for some reason. Still, it left him pulling away for a moment to catch his breath. He still had a food fight to win and was back in the fray when the pain faded enough to be negligible. Nothing important he was sure, a sprained muscle or something. No pain was going to stop him from ending this war. No pain, no eggs, no exhaustion. He was hyped up on adrenaline and nothing could stop him.

When the food fight eventually waned, Karkat helped get the little ones get cleaned off. A couple of bigger wrigglers volunteered to clean up the mess hall and Karkat left them to it and went through the painstaking process of getting dozens of wound-up, over excited kids to sit down for their schoolfeeds. It was a long day and he got back to the room yawning and ready to actually sleep this time and not just fuck all night. Karkat would eventually stop blushing as he remembered --oh yeah, this time he had every detail locked in his thinkpan and Jegus Christ, there was something just wrong about finding Dave this HOT.

He heard Dave pulling the egg out of the closet, setting it safely by his bedside and rubbing it, humming a slight tune. Karkat waited for him, cuddling close as the other mutant laid down. Karkat ran his hands soothingly over Dave's warmth, purring gently. He empathized. He kissed the back of Dave's neck, feeling rather hideously saccharine and powerless to resist.

“I kind of want to just shut my eyes, then the part of me that hates being covered in food wants to suggest we take a shower.”

"Oh, mister Dave," he said, fluttering his eyelashes at the suggestion. "Whatever will the children think ?" Karkat grinned broadly. “We could always share one.”

This earned a faceful of pillow from Dave as he heard the other slide back off the bed and proceed to the bathroom. Dave didn’t exactly say no. He joined his matesprit in the shower and grinned, pulling close to the other redblood as one taunt belly touched the other’s smooth one.

So far, the whole pregnancy thing wasn't as bad as Karkat had expected. Probably because they were Dave's eggs in there, the swelling of his stomach didn't provoke disgust or humiliation. He WAS kind of pissed when he found out bets had been going around since Dave got pregnant about when Karkat would start to swell but he solved that on the training field with a determined attitude and a long reach. Plus, being able to admit that he actually loved someone was great. Dave’s arms belonged around him and he couldn’t help but grin.

Sure, the weight was weird and the unfamiliarity of his body was a pain in the ass but this wasn't any worse than trying to take care of the kids back when he was clumsy and used to take serious wounds in battle. Nothing said 'capable lusus' like him brushing somebody's hair while he desperately hoped that whatever kept leaking out of the gash in his side wasn't the contents of his intestines. Point was, it slowed Karkat down but he was a stubborn shit on the best of days and he powered through. Plus, Dave was there whenever Karkat woke in a serious panic attack to seeing the swollen belly and feeling the unfamiliar weight. He didn’t know how he would survive this without the other there.

When Dave moved into his room it was pretty much utterly wonderful. Naturally Karkat pretended to complain constantly to see if he could make Dave snicker about it. Dave was obviously carrying back then too and they were kind of a relentlessly cuddly pair of hormonal, pregnant mutants. Karkat was... happy. His matesprit got a lot of kissing and had to fend off a lot of doting. He didn’t remember ever being this happy. He went to bed that morning smiling, holding Dave as the other used him as a sort of pillow. Karkat was just kind of basking in everything. And then...

Karkat woke up in pain. A few nights had passed since the food fight and it was a distant memory compared to what he felt right now. He forced himself to sit up, eyes wide and watering.. His entire lower body felt like it was trying to squeeze itself and it was all he could do to keep from curling up as it consumed him. He gasped, this couldn’t be him trying to lay the eggs, it was too early. Only two perigees had passed and this was wrong. He shook Dave awake anyways, trying to keep himself from gasping from how much his gut was twisting and turning. When Dave let out a tired mumble Karkat couldn’t even speak. He pulled back the cover of the bed and stared down.

There was a lot of blood.

_Fuck. No._

Dave's face was white with fear and Karkat could only let out a pained whine.

“Wait here, I’ll go get Kanaya.”

“Dave wait, no…”

He reached for his matesprit but too late, Dave was already out the door. Karkat let out a choked sob, holding his belly. He could feel his seedflap opening, trying to release the eggs inside him. It was hard to think and Kanaya came after what felt like an eternity. She took one look at Karkat and ordered Dave out and he went snarling. Karkat yelled at Kanaya, begging for Dave but she just pushed him down on the bed, stripping him of his sweatpants to see the full damage of his nook. It was embarrassing for someone to see him like this but what choice did he have right now? He felt like he was dying.

“When I was with the merchant we mostly organized troll eggs, sent the right colors to where they were supposed to go, helped a redblood or two lay. Karkat...you are going to be having those eggs.”

“No!” Karkat shook his head wildly, his arms shaking. “It’s too early! I can’t! I have to keep them inside --” He lost track of what he was saying, another spike of pain going down his spine. He heard a ripping sound, looking down and realizing he had torn a hole in the bloody bed sheets. He let go, trying to keep from screaming. Kanaya said nothing, discarding the pants to the floor.

“I’m going to get some water and towels. You’re bleeding a lot.”

Karkat didn’t want to be left alone, reaching for her. This hurt and if Dave couldn’t be here at least someone should be. She was back before he could say anything, putting another pillow behind his back so he was sitting.

“Now then, push.” Karkat once again shook his head again and she slapped his leg with two fingers. “Listen to me. You have to lay your eggs. Forcing them to stay inside will hurt both of you. Now do it.”

Karkat stared at her before he resignated himself, doing as he was told. His vision went white fro how much it hurt, unable to do anything but let his nook contract and release as he let egg after egg slide out. This was exactly what he expected when he watched Dave lay. Unpleasant smells and sensations. Karkat didn’t know how many he lay, just when it was over. He was left panting on the pile of pillows, not even looking at the eggs.

“They’re dead. They’re all dead. Karkat, I am so sorry.” Karkat felt time grow still at this statement, sitting up to look between his legs. No, she had to be wrong. They couldn’t all be dead. She wasn’t wrong however and after being slowly picked up and taken to a bath Karkat broke into tears.

Karkat planted himself against the marble tub, arching his back into it like it would break if he tried hard enough. He desperately wanted out of this reality and into a different one. One where he was still happy with Dave and hadn’t lost all these grubs. He wanted to puke. When Kanaya came back with Dave, he dropped out of the tub and crashed into Dave’s arms, sobbing wildly, thinking of nothing but Dave's name.

Dave was hauling him up, helping the collapsed troll out of the tub.. Karkat tucked his head into the crook of Dave’s arms, aware of what had happened at this point, feeling Dave's breath as he himself shook with grief. His own feelings were tangled up.

Their grubs had died. Their little ones, the ones he would never meet.. Nothing was really sinking in besides the fact that Dave was okay, Dave was here to make it okay. There had been so much blood.

"Shhh," Dave breathed to him as Dave helped him sit on the toilet. "Karkat, you're okay. That's all that matters, alright?"

Karkat held onto Dave’s arm, wiping angrily at his tears. They wouldn’t stop, nor would the guilt he felt. If he hadn’t pushed himself so hard maybe he would still be carrying the brood and maybe, just maybe, most of the eggs would have made it. It might have been the foodfight, or even his stubborn attempts to keep going as if there wasn’t anything different. It was all his fault.

He had been in denial about how much weaker he had become and in turn he made the grubs weak. He should have rested more, not pushed himself so hard. He should have realized something was going wrong, shouldn’t have pushed off the pain like it was nothing. He should have asked Kanaya about it, she would have known. He refused to let anyone but him shoulder the burden of his grubs lives and now he was paying for it.

Karkat curled around his matesprit, purring insistently, trying to tell him that whatever in the fuck happened, as long as Dave was there he didn’t _care._ He did care, more than he was willing to admit. The tears wouldn’t stop even if he bit his tongue, maybe that would give him an excuse to why he was crying. Least that was a valid excuse. These eggs shouldn’t have bothered hims so much, he didn’t even get to know them. Perhaps that was why he was crying so much. Because he had found the grubs so beautiful he thought nothing could go wrong. He had lost the chance to get to know his flesh and blood and that’s what he was mourning. He wished he could  take on the weight of the world if he had to, bear hundreds of grubs if it meant the pain from this lost clutch would go away.

He sniffled again, eyes opening to gaze at his matesprit. Maybe focusing on him would make everything alright. Dave cupped his face and gently kissed Karkat and despite how much a wreck Karkat was sure he looked like, he relished it. It was salty, his tears affecting the taste of Dave’s sweet lips.

Dave was his world now, long as he focused on Dave. Dave left the door open back into their room, Karkat just leaning over and watching through it as Kanaya and Dave remove the blood stained bedsheets, flip the mattress and set new ones down. It was silent but he kept noticing both of them looking at him and he sat up, staring down at his bare legs. Dave didn’t hate him for losing the eggs, didn’t chastise him like the failure he felt he was. It was a comfort really, Dave was still there for him.When the remaining mess was cleaned up Karkat finally made it back into the room. Kanaya had left to take care of the laundry and  he latched back on to Dave.

He thought he was okay but he found himself sobbing and shaking. The image of Kanaya pulling the eggs from his body in her desperate attempt to keep the blood to a minimal. God, there had been so much of it. That image would never leave him even if he wanted to. He choked out another sob, laughing a bit at how uncomfortable this situation was. He was being so weak, so out of character that it was funny to him.

Maybe it wasn’t his fault. Maybe mating with Dave that first time had been a fluke. Too many mutations all packed together, too many recessive genetics with hidden lethalities. He should have expected something like this. The history files had been precise about what would happen if two redbloods bred. Even the grubs who had made it, they probably wouldn’t live long. The breeding program had said the failed grubs were obviously unhealthy, so more than likely the eggs that remained a healthy shade were ticking time bombs.

He should have known better than to try to have a quadrant or a mate, because nothing good came from his fucked up blood. But he'd just had to fake like he thought it could be different, didn't he? Karkat shoved hard at the anger, leaned against the wall, drawing Dave tightly to him. He needed the contact desperately, his sobs refusing to get under control. Dave brushed soft kisses over Karkat’s brow and dried the tears as they fell, patient until the end of time, if he needed to be. He looked up, still crying.

"I...I love you. I'm...I'm so sorry...” Karkat choked, still trying to keep his tears back. It was no use. He had never been so broken about anything before and this hurt too much not to cry.They stayed in the room the rest of the day, Dave playing with Karkat’s hair, rubbing his horns. Whenever Karkat began to cry and overall, he felt broken.  

“Shh," he purred down and purposefully, gently, let his hand slide to rest on the emptiness of Karkat's belly, accepting that too. "Shh," he said again. "I love you." He rubbed softly, knowing he couldn't quite reach to where it hurt but trying anyway. "You tried so hard, I know. Shhh. It's alright. It's over now, it's alright."

Karkat let out a shaky sob, hands tightening around the fabric of Dave’s sweater. The agony settled into him like an ache. He still felt it but at least at this point he could stop being pathetic. He felt so empty compared to how he felt mere hours ago. The feeling that he was choking made each breath ache and it was all he could do force himself to sit up.

He just felt pain now. His wrigglers were lost and it felt like it was his fault. He was reminded of it like a deep cut across his belly, pulling and tearing whenever his hand found itself resting against his flat stomach. it hurt so much. His fault, it felt like his fault. He clutched onto Dave desperately. He only wanted to be near his matesprit. It helped him feel as though he could cope, that and Dave was warm and soft and just...There. He wished he could give a reason as to _why_ this happened. Not fair, not fucking fair at all. He just wanted to stay curled up against Dave and not move. There was a knock from the door and Karkat whined to Dave when he stood to answer it.

It was Kanaya, holding two undersized eggs in a bundle of towels. They were stained in his blood but he fucking knew those were his eggs in there. He was across the room in a heartbeat. He was wrong that everything he did failed. Kanaya had cleaned off the dead eggs and it turned out two were still filled with the healthy color of growing grubs. Karkat thought he was over his tears but he wasn’t, moving towards the pile of towels with _his_ _eggs_ inside. He never thought he would be so happy to see eggs. A teal and a lime were the survivors of Karkat’s broken seedflap and he was having a hard time not freaking out again.

He looked over at Dave with need. Careful as to not drop them, he made room in the basket besides the bright red one. It was twice their size now and he made sure to keep the eggs seperated, made sure that when the bigger one hatched it wouldn’t crush the others. Their children, all in one spot. Karkat, he couldn’t be happier. Exhaustion took him shortly after, curling up around Dave, his belly feeling hollow without the weight of the eggs pressing down on his organs.

He was so tired. God, they were so messed up. Dave had destroyed most of his eggs and Karkat couldn’t even keep them inside long enough. What did he expect would happen? The history files had been precise about what would happen if two redbloods bred. Most of the eggs not surviving was to be expected. These three eggs were some sort of fucking miracle to even make it this far. He hoped they hatched.

Dave petted his face gently, making sure Karkat couldn’t look anywhere but him.

“Shhh… It’s alright. I still love you. This couldn’t be helped, it’s not your fault.” Not the best way to word it but for some reason, it helped. Dave was reassuring him over and over again that Karkat had nothing to apologize for.

As the days flew by, he started to feel better. He didn’t want his grief to turn turn into some kind of fucked-up issue for them. Dave was still there for him and they made it through so much the past few sweeps. Dave was able to see past all his faults. If he managed to not lose Dave, yet this would not be what did it.

Dave seemed to know just when Karkat needed him most. Whenever he got close to a breakdown Dave whisked him away to somewhere private and let Karkat sob in his arms. Dave brought his arms around Karkat and tucked him close and petted his horns each time his hormonal matesprit seemed to be getting close to outright hysterics. He whispered gently and cuddled with him, soothing each new outburst of tears. Karkat couldn’t help it when the tears escaped him, he was still hurting. Dave kept mending his wounds, letting Karkat heal bit by bit. He was so grateful. Dave still loved him and he loved Dave. It wasn't hard to do, Dave was the perfect matesprit. Empathy seemed to roll off him in waves and Karkat realized that was what it was. Dave understood his pain and that shouldn’t have been as comforting as it was. Still, he would take what he could get. It was helping him at least, it hurt less and less to look at their trio of eggs and knowing that there could have been so much more.  

He confided his feelings to Dave and it was like he forgot how to shut up around him, telling him everything he felt. Dave nodded reassuringly, hugging Karkat close and tight.

“I love you, ya know that? I don’t blame you for anything that happened.” Dave’s arms were shaking as he held Karkat and he smiled, holding his matesprit back.

“I know. Oh god do I know…”

Dave never blamed Karkat’s body for what had happened, even though Karkat did. He knew he was too old to begin having broods, too old to still let the protective instincts towards his eggs flow. It had severely screwed with Karkat's head and he was just now beginning to accept what happened. Nothing could change that it did but he was allowed to heal now. Dave was the oasis in a sunny desert, his safety and solace.

Life continued in a pleasant reminder that it did not actually revolve around either of them. The wrigglers in the orphanage were still growing and changing and Karkat realized he had been stuck in one moment for weeks. He had to get better. With the help of his matesprit, Karkat healed. The guilt faded in time along with his strechmarks, the effects of the failed pregnancy starting to fade. He now understood Dave’s grief the best now after having failed most of his own clutch. Three eggs were the product of two broken bodies. Despite that, he had to seem cheerful to the wrigglers. A weak lusus meant danger and he refused to fail for his wigglers.

He was just as attached to his eggs as Dave was his. Everytime he was stalled from returning to check up on them he grew incredibly irrational. He wasn't cranky and hormonal, everyone just collectively decided to be UNBEARABLY ANNOYING. He had to bear with it though, knowing the wrigglers wouldn’t respond well to him kicking their collective asses. A fake smile, a quick patting of a little horned head. He had to fake being over it when inside he wanted to shove them away and make a getaway to his nest.

Instinct told him to guard the shit out of the pair of eggs and Karkat being Karkat, he fought the impulse wildly, leading him to have what Dave referred to as 'staring contests' with the eggs. Karkat tried to conquer maternal instincts and so basically menaced the eggs with a glare and tended to growl at things more than usual. He wasn't too bad about letting others handle them but that was very overtly through force of will, because by the time they were placed back in their basket, Karkat would remember that he had lungs and get back to the breathing thing. He had never acted this way around the eggs which arrived in carts with the merchants who dealt with him. They were few allies he knew he could trust; while he wasn’t in heat of course and he felt passive towards those. He guessed it was different because these were his. He tried to get out and deal with his other wrigglers as much as usual but he was distracted and twitchy if he missed a couple of hours of glowering at his eggs. Knowing the grubs inside would be with him soon enough kept him from feeling his heart break. He was better now, pushing all his pain into the back of his heart where hopefully one day it could be forgotten.

Karkat was braced for something to go wrong with the laid eggs, expecting it, preparing and it just didn't come. Even Dave seemed to be returning to his usual cheeky demeanor. Karkat, a firm believer in poor timing assumed this would be when his body failed and made everything go to shit again. He'd dealt with so many eggs in his life and these were the first from him. The first that truly and completely meant he'd broken his promises to himself. Looking back on it, it was pretty fucking hilarious. He had sworn he would never let anything happen to where he fell to the same level as a stereotypical horny redblood, yet here he was. He wanted to beat his head against a wall for how fucking _stupid_ he was acting.

At least this happened in the safety of the orphanage. Well, as safe as a castle run by a mad redblood could be. If this had been within the cities, the consequences of having lost the majority of their clutch would have been more dire than just an aching heart. He had heard what happened to the mutantbloods who miscarried. Some were culled if they had repeat miscarriages, after all, what was a breeder who couldn't carry?

Karkat needed to be near his eggs. He pressed ahead to their room, wanting to check up on the eggs. The need to have some alone time with them  was overwhelming and damn anyone who got in his way in his stride towards his room.

Dave was already there, his redblooded egg sitting in his lap and chirping at it. Red eyes fell upon Karkat and Dave growled, holding his egg closer. Karkat sighed, walking in a wide circle from Dave to get to his own eggs. He was also every bit as bad as Dave had been about wanting his matesprit. He demanded Dave's presence and attention and then tended to ignore the shit out of him in favor of growling at and circling the eggs, all while Dave sat on the bed and growled at him with his own egg. Dave sometimes tried to leave with his egg and go to the conjoined bathroom but woe unto the mutant troll who thought this meant he could leave the room. Karkat whined at Dave who sat back down and they returned to their standoff of being close to their eggs and each other and growling.

At least physically he was fine. He felt fine, he felt better than ever! He could take on the fleet tomorrow, just give him some heavy artillery. Karkat refused to stay lying down, no matter how much it hurt or how stupid it was to be limping around like a mortally wounded old man, or how massively screwed up his body was. He sat down and hugged the basket, bringing it to himself and humming at the eggs. He wasn’t going to let the small brood die, he had already healed; so he kept telling himself to get through this and see the eggs eventually hatch. At least being stubborn about one thing left him able to claim that this left him some measure of dignity. He would drag his convalescing carcass from one end of the keep to the next long as he could. These eggs weren't going anywhere. He had a plan worked out and everything was going at a pace he could keep up with.

He heard a clicking sound. His eyes went huge, looking up at Dave who was now holding the eggs out at arm’s length. Dave’s eyes were wide and both mutants knew exactly what that clicking sound radiating from Dave’s egg was.

“Has it been three perigees already?” Dave lowered the egg down on the bed, just staring at it as it rolled to it’s side and the clicking sound continued. Karkat began approaching him, his own eggs still in the basket. He set them down carefully, his mind blanking from anything except making sure the bright red egg didn’t roll off and break or something. The egg was hatching.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Cackles evilly- You guys thought the orphanage was about to be attacked didn’t you? You were wrong, have some angst and complete sadness instead.  
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	26. Storm’s Edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat knows sooner or later he would have to lay his eggs but no amount of preparation could mend what happens after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Sadness, death, gore, angst

Karkat’s eyes widened as he approached the bright red egg for the first time since it had been laid. Dave babbled incoherently at him, unable to form a proper sentence. Karkat decided his role here was to grab Dave and keep him from accidentally flailing the egg off the bed.

"Karkat..they're...uh...it’s hatching. Like right now. Like the timer is up, time to hatch. I thought I had time but damn it went by fast and now...Hatching." Panic soaked his voice, he clearly had no idea how to deal with this. Karkat wasn’t going to panic, he was totally calm about this. Dave was the one panicking. Dave was also holding onto him pretty tightly.

Karkat was staring at the eggs because apparently this would speed the process up. “Karkat?" Dave managed, voice admirably without panic. "What do you do with eggs that hatch when they're yours?" Karkat paused at the question, unsure really how to answer at first. He had to shut his eyes and think; just how to make it easier for Dave.

"Well...First thing first. You stop digging your claws into my skin because that actually hurts." Dave had a near death grip on his arm and as tough as troll skin was, it wasn't invincible to ten fucking claws digging into it. He wasn't going to pull away, though. If Dave needed to squeeze his arm he would let him. He took a deep breath as he stared at the eggs. Dave glanced down at the ten bloody crescents on Karkat's arm. Those were definitely his claws and Karkat was pretty sure he was forming a bruise.

"Sorry," he managed, detaching them as nicely as possible and dumping his hands in his lap because chances of touching without trying to claw him apart like toilet paper were slim.

"Well...uhm...you kind of have to get closer to them, stop making whining noises and try to encourage them. Also rub them once in awhile. Do not pull the shell back. ..That’s a terrible idea. They'll come out when they are good and ready..." Dave stared intensely for a moment, before letting go of his breath, nodding. He knew Karkat wouldn't harm their grubs, even if every motherly instinct was telling him to keep a close eye. Karkat had done this plenty of times before, why the fuck was he freaking out? There had been so many eggs that had hatched in the orphanage, this shouldn’t be any different. All he could really do was hope that all three of their eggs were healthy. He hadn't said much about the subject but these were his wigglers too and he couldn’t help but feel more attachment towards them.

Dave’s mouth shut as he nodded, turning back towards the egg, scooting as close to it as he could. He crooned at it, doing his best not to panic. It was apparent on his face that he was losing his shit and Karkat wasn’t really surprised. This was Dave’s first time watching an egg hatch and while Karkat had grown used to it in time, he was still nervous himself. This was the first egg he had a connection to, after all it was half of him in there.

Many hours later and a lot of nuzzling Dave, Karkat could look at the little grub and tell from a glance that it seemed pretty healthy. It looked just like Dave to him. As Dave held the tiny grub in his cupped hands he was crying, sounds of relief coming from his lips. Karkat could feel his heart melting. The grub was so utterly adorable to him. Even worse, Dave had lit up on sight and was cuddling it and purring non-stop as the little one crawled all over their parent, squeaking happily.

Karkat just grinned at the sight, raising his eyebrows at Dave. "You would end up having really cute grubs, wouldn't you. Am I still not allowed to touch it?" Dave glanced at his partner, holding the grub currently in his hands to his chest, careful not to hurt him. Karkat couldn’t help but grin when he saw how protective Dave was being, it was pretty cute. The answer came from the grub wriggling in Dave’s lap, squeaking as it slid out and crawled over into Karkat's and laid there. Dave stared intensly for a moment, before letting go of his breath, nodding. The grub choosing to go over to Karkat eased his nerves. Karkat wouldn't ever harm their grubs, didn’t change the fact Dave wouldn’t stop glaring at him. Karkat gently picked up the baby grub and smiled, watching it move about joyously.

"Kankri seems to like you." Karkat looked at Dave, who was sending protective glances at his grub just laying in Karkat’s lap. The little one wriggled in Karkat’s arms and plopping himself down, promptly flipping onto his back and then waving his legs around in distress. Karkat snorted, waiting for Dave's nod before he was tickling the kid's belly. Its fur hadn’t even fully puffed out yet, still sticking to its bright red carapace. Karkat rubbed the tiny grubs belly, Kankri’s belly, before glancing back up at Dave. The grub began to squeak all over the place and let out giggly little purrs.

“You’re really going to name it that?” Karkat glanced back down, using one of the clean towels to wipe away some remaining egg slime from the grub. On the rare occasions where Karkat was just getting eggs dropped off at the orphanage he tended to agonise about the names. He wanted them to be unique but not hideously embarrassing. Something pretty and tough, something a quadrant might want to whisper one day. Just because at the time he thought he couldn’t have any quadrant, that didn’t stop him from quietly sobbing along with a puppy pile of emotional wrigglers to a good romcom.

With the slime gone and the grub being relatively clean, Karkat got a better look at the kiddo. The fur that was present was a pure white, knowing it would fill in bright red in the coming days. Karkat froze, eyes a bit wide. Most grubs thorax ended at a point. One thick one for boys and a smaller one for girls. Least it was that way for landwellers. This grub had a fanned out fin at the end, one it was waving up and down as if it was swimming. Karkat forgot what he was going to say and just sat there frozen.

“Karkat? What’s wrong? I didn’t pick a bad name did I?” He moved towards Karkat, a worried expression on his face. He picked his grub out of Karkat’s lap and set it in his arms, purring to his grub like the devoted broodmother he was. The look Dave was shooting Karkat's way; pure parental suspicion had Karkat fighting a smile. It took another moment for Karkat to pull himself out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, It’s a fine name. Just well, we both know what that name signifies.” Karkat thumbed at a dried piece of egg on the grubs side, trying to pry it loose. This subject was kind of hard for all redbloods to talk about. After all, the first redblood--.

“Yeah, I know. Kankri was the name of the first redblood, possibly ever. I just think it’s appropriate to name our first grub, the first grub between two redbloods who love each other, that. I think so anyways. It is a boy grub right? I can’t really tell.” Dave turned the grub upside down, trying to find any sort of gender marking. He knew it, Karkat remembered teaching him about how different grubs looked. Karkat saw Dave work it out, his expression turning into one of bewilderment. He lowered the grub to his lap, looking at Karkat.

“Why is our grub a seadweller?” Dave’s panicked eyes fell on Karkat who looked like he was holding back laughter. “Karkat this isn’t funny! I’ve never seen a redblooded seadweller. I don’t think I’ve even heard of…” Dave paused, Karkat taking the grub from him, setting him in his lap.

“Might just be another mutation. Mean, redbloods come from somewhere right? Must have been enough seadweller in one of us for this little rascal to hatch.” Kankri didn’t like being held, the little palm-sized boy squirming in Karkat’s hands and crawling off, hiding behind Dave’s leg. Karkat grinned when Dave picked him up, setting him on his lap and rubbing his belly. Dave had gone in exactly the same direction when he'd first started taking care of the grubs that were occasionally dropped off at the orphanage. Nobody got near them, not even the buzzbugs. He didn't know if Dave's sudden maternal instincts were decided by the fact that the little one were his or because he had spent enough time around the other grubs to treat them in this fashion. Regardless, it was adorable. Dave stared at Karkat intently as he thought it over and let go of his breath. Karkat knew just what Dave was thinking.

"Dave," Karkat pointed out, letting his voice get a little more gentle. "I've raised a lot of grubs and I am damn sure not going to hurt yours." Dave still looked reluctant to let Karkat touch the grub sitting in his lap. He was cute really and Karkat couldn’t help grin.

“I’m going to go get some food for it, don’t need little Kankri to starve.” Dave didn’t even turn his head towards Karkat, just gave a quick nod of his head at the grub as Karkat grabbed a suncloak and excused himself. It was nearing sunset, he knew that but each ray of sunlight could be deadly. He wasn’t taking any chances.

Karkat felt like he was flying, dashing through the hallways that streamed deadly sunlight through its windows. He would eventually get a glass and fill them, make the orphanage safe from the rays, just not anytime soon. It was on his very long to do list. Besides, that thought was a distraction. He had to focus on what he needed to get.

They had plenty of grubfood currently, mashed grains and meat easy for a tiny belly to digest. He grabbed a few cans of that, taking a few spoons as he returned to Dave’s side. Dave was holding the little bright red grub in his arms, patiently waiting for his matesprit to return. Karkat smiled at the scene, sitting down next to Dave. Dave looked grateful, the tiny grub was trying to crawl everywhere and refused to sit still. Everything was just so new to the bright new life and Karkat couldn’t help but admire it. Dave had done something no other redblood ever had the chance to do. He was caring for his young the way most redbloods never had the chance to, had laid eggs the way Karkat hadn’t yet and between the two probably wouldn't go into heat for a while.

Karkat realised then what both of them constantly being in and out of heat meant now that they were in a quadrant. It would mean either one or both of them would be constantly pregnant. They would feel the urge to breed, breed like the rest of the hemospectrum wanted. It was a painful thought but Karkat knew he had to bring it up.

He waited until Kankri had eaten himself to exhaustion, sleeping on a pillow set out for him. Dave was watching him like an overprotective mother, brushing the tiny hair out of Kankri’s face and smiling as more of the fur covering Kankri puffed out. He was a cute grub, looked almost just like he assumed Dave looked as a grub. He had no idea, he didn’t care. He was going to say something, honestly. Thank god for Dave’s never ending patience. Karkat did eventually clear his throat, grabbing Dave’s attention away from the small grub between them to Karkat. He shook his head.

“Nevermind, we’ll talk later okay?” Dave merely nodded in agreement.

 

***

 

Kankri ate as much as he could hold and then was wailing about being hungry in an hour. When Dave finally worked himself into exhaustion from taking care of him, he would wake up to the smell of poop. He was pretty sure Kankri pooped on everything he had loved at some point. When Kankri wasn't fussing relentlessly, he was passed out on the nearest horizontal surface and heaving with these exhausting-sounding snores. Dave took a lot of coddling to get Karkat to let him hold the child. It was kind of cute but when Dave was lost on what to do and refused Karkat’s help until the redblood couldn’t take anymore and was practically shoving Kankri into Karkat’s arms. The elder wanted to beat his skull against a wall until a bruise formed. So much hassle would be saved if Dave’s attachment wasn’t such a problem.

The moments between Dave’s overprotectiveness tended to be so damn cute it made up for all the hassling. In time Dave grew more comfortable with Karkat dealing with the little one. Karkat did his best to take over the less pleasant responsibilities, he was a veteran at this kind of thing. He had grown used to running on two hours of sleep for the week, could tell the difference between wails that meant 'I itch' and the ones that meant 'pick me up now'. It was almost like he had a sixth sense for anticipating someone about to get hungry.

He tried to make sure Dave got plenty of sleep and had something of a life outside of taking care of the grub --and that when he was mothering, Dave dealt with as much chirping grub adorableness and as little poop as possible. Dave started relying on Karkat more, realising watching over a wriggler for one night was nothing compared to watching one day and night. Karkat wanted to help integrate Kankri with the rest of the grubs under his care. He had brought it up once, and one angry growl and threatening display of the stick part of a broom had the older troll dropping it. The weeks passed by in a moment and before he knew it, he was waking up to the clicking noise of his own eggs.

Karkat was up in an instant, eyes wide as he carefully navigated around Dave. The other was still in the middle of a nighttime nap with Kankri resting on his flattened belly. Karkat must have nudged him with his foot or something cause Dave woke, blinking a few times before yet another clicking sound occurred. Dave was holding Kankri.  Karkat, trembling arms and all, brought the basket with his two eggs into his lap. He understood Dave’s panic during Kanrki’s hatching. He felt like his head would pop off from all the anticipation he felt.  
He couldn’t stop staring at the eggs. The teal one already had a crack in it, the grub inside working tirelessly to break the shell. Karkat chose to dump his head on Dave's shoulder, breathing heavier than he wanted to admit. His impulses were pretty confused, either because he'd gotten too old for the instincts to flow well or because Karkat had the personality of a wolf spider.

Instead of growling at the grubs inside of the eggs, Karkat tried for a softer sound. He found himself crooning to them encouragingly. And then the teal grub hatched and Karkat kind of lost it. He'd seen a lot of grubs, fallen in love with a lot of grubs and snuggled pretty much all of the ones he'd been around. All that but nothing prepared him for meeting his and Dave's kid as the mother this time around.

The little tealblood trilled at him and Karkat cupped her in his hands gently, holding her up to nuzzle his greeting, so careful, like she would just dissolve into a puff of air. She chirped like this was the best thing ever and Karkat grinned hugely over at Dave.

"She is so damn cute," he murmured, purring to the little grub. He felt like he was soaring, unable to take his eyes off her. This was probably how Dave felt and he couldn’t be happier. No chipping sound came from the limeblooded egg, however. He frowned, picking up a towel to help clean the grub off, even as his eyes kept focusing on his remaining egg. It would hatch any moment now.

He kept calling to the limeblood in the egg too while he was getting to know the little tealblood. He was thinking of maybe calling her Terezi. Karkat's hand stroking gently along her back, keeping her pacified, all so he could encourage the second grub to come out of it’s shell. It hadn’t even broken a crack yet. Karkat was getting worried. Yet he continued to chirp and croon to the limeblood, but the egg didn't seem to be breaking.

Karkat told himself to keep his ass planted, some grubs just took their time. There was nothing wrong. Dave slowly approached Karkat, putting his hands on his shoulders, reassuring

Karkat that everything was fine. There was a slight tremble in his voice and Karkat glanced over a moment. Karkat knew his concern was getting outright overt, it shouldn't have taken this long. The scuffling in the egg was starting to slow down and Karkat knew that wasn't a good sign either. Grubs didn't get tired while they were hatching.

"Dave," he murmured, letting his forehead rest on Dave's shoulder for a moment. He didn't know what he was trying to say -- _I'm sorry_ or _I tried._ What came out was a soft, "Don't look."

He felt his own breath hitch, trembling. Karkat was bringing the egg to himself, settling it in his lap. He crooned down again, hearing a too faint answering peep. The cardinal rule of troll egg hatching was that you never helped the grub out of the egg, not unless there was absolutely no choice. Only if the grub couldn't get out, because the process of opening the egg could be perilous to a healthy and plump grub. Even if you didn't manage to stab the troll with your claws or bits of eggshell, the shock would usually pick up the slack. They didn't just prove themselves breaking the egg, they prepared themselves for the harsh environment they were about to stumble into.  Karkat had hatched a lot of eggs, None of his own, sure, but he knew that this wasn't right.

He didn't have a choice. So he kept up a soft croon, flattening his palms to the egg to feel where the grub was trying to chip his way out. He started to scrape his claws on the opposite end, wearing grooves into the shell. He took his time, cracking the shell slowly, making sure he felt the grub moving and that it wasn't near his claws. With the first hole that breached the inside of the shell, a sour smell filled the air.

 _Wrong._ Karkat purred to the little grub inside, managing to boost the size of the hole. He pulled it wider, letting a side of it fall to his lap. He could hear the grub chirping and see something very dead inside. Karkat’s breath hitched, realising what he was seeing.  In the end, Karkat discovered two grubs inside the egg. One underdeveloped and dead. It was rotting and the other was weak and frail. Far too frail. Karkat eased the rest of the shell open and let the inside of the egg just lay there on his lap. He wasn’t going to cry, he just had something in his eyes.

Karkat took one look at the delicate, bony limeblood he'd pulled out and felt his throat close. He had seen grubs like this before, their life clinging to a single thread. They usually didn't last more than a few hours. Wordlessly, Karkat curled around the panting grub, nearly limp and kept him warm and purred to him gently. He had watched countless grubs die, countless grubs never emerge from their cocoons as trolls. He didn’t want to admit that this limeblooded grub that was laying in his palms with a rasping breath was dying. He wanted it to suddenly pop up, cheerful and running around and eager to explore its world. Miracles weren’t real, nothing ever worked that way. Karkat sat there in silence on the bed, just holding the little one in his palms. Karkat prayed to whatever god was out there, wishing for the faint heartbeat of his child to pick up, to keep breathing. He wanted it to live.

If nothing else, Karkat would keep him comfortable while he died. Karkat was shaking. He felt a hard squeeze on his shoulder and he looked up, Dave sitting next to him with his own grub in his lap and Terezi resting slightly to the left of him.

Karkat wanted to say he was grateful. Grateful that he at least had Terezi. That he had Dave and Kankri and so many wrigglers who loved him. One little grub dying shouldn’t have hurt so much, it happened all the time. Yet it did, the ache in Karkat’s chest wouldn’t stop. He felt disappointment, anger that he failed his own brood so much. Dave approached him and put a hand on his shoulder.  Karkat didn't react much as Dave touched him, glanced up and accepted that he wasn't a threat before he went back to lulling the dying grub calm. Karkat was too wrapped up in his emotional whirlpool. He was barreling downwards and nothing could stop it.He was shutting Dave out, he didn't have room for anything but his grubs right now.

Experience told Karkat that there was nothing he could do. There wasn't anything Kanaya could have done, even. The grub was starved and poisoned from rot. It would be over soon, mercifully. Kept an eye on the frail limeblood, glancing at Terezi who had fallen asleep next to Kankri, their soft snores creating an eerie calm in the room.  

The little lime still chirped at Karkat weakly, nuzzling greetings against his parent as Karkat purred down and cupped his hands around him gently. He let Dave approach their grub too, opening his mouth to tell Dave there was no point. Dave had a washcloth in his hand, put his hands into Karkat’s as he tried to wipe the death off the limeblood. He was trying to convince Karkat it was alright, that this grub would make it through. Karkat said nothing when he realized Dave was trying to take him, to feed him.

Karkat didn't manage to say it. Just huddled closer to the little one and didn't stop his gentle purrs even once. He spent all day long with his frail dying grub. Right up until the end. His teeth clenched when he felt it --the shivery little heartbeat stopped in his hands. There was nothing he could do to prevent this, yet it still made his head spin with agonising grief. It wasn’t fair, his grub did nothing wrong. None of his grubs did anything wrong. Why would he be given something so great as love only to have fate slap him in the face? Especially for something as simple as being in love. He didn’t blame Dave, he couldn’t.

Karkat petted his fingers softly over the limeblood's papery skin, soothing him until he stopped moving. He didn't tell Dave, just purred like an idiot to the dead grub until Dave came back with food and Karkat just shook his head, curling around the little one's body. He stayed that way for maybe an hour more before he made himself act like a fucking adult and set their grub back down. Terezi was awake and chirping for him. Karkat could not afford to break down. He held her against his heart for a long time, crooning soft sounds to her while tears dripped down his nose.

Most funerals were set to the sun. Each death he had experienced, due to sickness or an injury he just couldn’t treat were solemn occasions. Fire was used, sending ashes of the wriggler up to the sky. Letting it join its brethren up above. Karkat couldn’t bring himself to part with the two dead limebloods, setting instead to dig a hole near the treeline outside the orphanage. He had wrapped their tiny bodies in a heavy cotton blanket, tied together with a thick thread. He didn’t need to dig far, there was no point with such a tiny pair of bodies.

The hole was up to his neck now, deep. He knew it stupid but digging had let him focus on something else. He climbed out of the hole, staring down to admire his work. He couldn’t bury them just yet. Sentiment kept him from doing it. He wanted to be alone, finally release the pent up agony he felt. It never came, Karkat felt a strange calm as he sat down on the ground, wiping some dirt off on his pants. He felt lonely, Dave taking care of Terezi and Kankri while he was here. He wanted to go back inside and get them but he couldn’t leave the bodies of his grubs here. Not where wild lusus could go and take the bodies. He wasn’t going to bring them back for Dave either. Luckily, Dave seemed to know what to do once again. Karkat watched Dave approach with their grubs wrapped up in a fleecy yellow cloth and set the grubs down while he himself sat next to Karkat.

Karkat just stared silently at Dave. He didn’t want to say anything, just sit there. Pretend that everything was fine when it obviously wasn’t. Dave leant into him and wiped some tears off. Karkat hadn’t even realised he had been crying, too consumed in the work of digging the hole. Dave just looked at him with concerned eyes. Those eyes said so much that Karkat simply couldn’t put into words. The illogical hurt he felt. He hadn’t even gotten to know these two grubs, he hadn’t even started to mother them. He had laid them and waited for them to hatch. He never got the chance to know the limeblooded twins and he never would.

Terezi let out a tired chirp, tiny grub arm rubbing her teal coloured eye. Karkat just smiled, putting his hand lightly on top of her head. She met the touch with a light bump of her horns, chirping as she waved one tiny grub leg at Karkat’s hand, trying to keep him out. Karkat merely watched her, his adorable little daughter. He didn’t make an effort to take her from Dave’s lap, simply pulling the bundle of his passed grubs into his lap and stood up. Walking over to the hole was hard as he jumped into it, taking one last look at the bundle.  
A shaky gasp escaped his lips as he brought it to his chest and hugged it, face rubbing against what he knew contained what could only be proof of his incompetence. He didn’t know how long he stood there just hugging it but eventually, he was able to let go, set the bundle down and bury the twins. Dave had helped while their grubs rested in the soothing light of the moons. When they finished, patting dirt over the hole, Karkat felt better.

Well, as much better as a broodmother could be about burying their own grubs. He still felt a hole in his chest. He couldn’t seem weak though. He had dozens of wrigglers inside to take care of, not to mention Dave and his grubs.

Karkat picked up Terezi, laying her on his arms, looking at the chubby grey face. He would never let go of this grub if he could help it. Not when she pupated, not when she became old enough to react to redbloods. This was his precious little girl and he loved her. He loved Kankri too but it was more as a clutchfather. Dave watched him before facing towards the orphanage.

“We should head back.” The sky was starting to turn orange. Karkat was in shock, were they really out that late?

“Uhm, yeah.” Regardless of how flabbergasted he was, he followed Dave down the hill to his home, his matesprit’s home. The home he had made for himself in this forest, the home he hoped to continue raising the future of Alternia. Once they were inside their shared block Karkat sighed, going to sit on the bed. They would talk about this tomorrow.

In the weeks that followed, Dave was the biggest help in the world. Karkat probably would have lost his shit and done something epically stupid if not for him. He was okay. He kept the Orphanage running, he powered through it and when he woke up dreaming of the little limeblood's rattling breaths, he had Dave to curl into and relax against his chest. He'd talk about the thoughts that weighed down on his mind and really have a heart to heart with him. He swore he would, he knew they needed to. Dave continued to be patient with him, waiting for when Karkat was ready to speak. He must have the patience of a jadeblood taking care of a fussy Mothergrub full of slurry. Dave was a fucking saint in Karkat’s eyes. He knew he couldn’t keep him waiting forever.

He let the grubs distract him, taking care of them through the weeks. Dave helped with Terezi as much as he could, since Karkat had often found himself staring off into thin air half the time.

He worried about Terezi and Kankri, both of their little ones. He worried about the other wrigglers as well, making sure there was enough food to get everybody fed. He had to worry about not being a complete dick in the moments when he got so fucking pissed off at the world.

He kept conversation light and he was basically a coward. What finally set him off was them reading to their wriggler, all cuddled together. And Karkat realised that this was easy and that it shouldn't have been. Trolls did quadrants, not families and redbloods didn't do anything at all. But this was easy; he and Dave and a little one curled between them. A little too easy. Karkat waited until Terezi was safely asleep to look over at Dave.

"So we should probably talk," he suggested quietly, petting the wispy hairs of their grubs. They were so cute asleep like this, innocent to what was going on around them. Their only needs being sleep, eat and poop. They had no worries nor cares about the world, just knew that the two redbloods in the room were their safety. Karkat wished they could stay like that forever. As much as Karkat wanted to deny it, their happiness wasn’t forever. Dave put the book he was reading to the grubs down on his lap.  

The title was "A Wrigglers Book Where a Bear Lutus Says Goodnight to Everything and Especially the Moon." The title was far too long and he always hated the title of things. Why were titles of things so ridiculously long? it was stupid. And always full of spoilers. Just call the fucking book "Goodnight Moon" and get it over with. Old movies and books were weird like that, they were a mouthful. He remembered _Lion King_ and _The Little Mermaid._ Short simple titles. His mind had wandered again and Karkat found himself blushing. Dave was waiting for him to go on, red eyes locked with his. Dave closed the book and handed it to Karkat. Karkat set it on the bedside table and scooted closer.

“Okay, I have been putting this off since forever but...we need to talk about everything. We’ve been so busy with wigglers we've barely had any time for ourselves and...honestly, as much as I love them, I miss just...cuddling with you. And we do need to talk. About a lot of things." Dave was still watching and Karkat let out another breath. This was harder than anything to bring up. Karkat looked away, eyes falling on their knocked out kids. Terezi woke up briefly and attempted to menace Karkat's fingers but he gave her a head pat or two and she was snoring away.  

The two grubs looked exhausted once they were tucked in the makeshift crib they had brought over from one of the grub rooms. It was a good thing they were asleep too, wrigglers who weren't running themselves ragged probably weren't getting enough to eat. Karkat got the lights, trying to figure out how he wanted to try to say any of the things twisting around in his head.

At least Dave was willing to discuss shit with him. Except suddenly Karkat didn't want to say anything, ever. He wanted to cuddle with Dave and just make happy, inarticulate noises that didn't involve things like logic; logic sucked. They were in bed again, Karkat still didn't know how to try to make words do his bidding. He questioned wanting to talk in the first place.

“Well then, go on. The kids are out finally and we have some time to talk. Something mind you, we haven't had time to do in weeks. Kankri’s bloodcolor is already filling in his fur and I’m pretty sure that means he’ll hit a growth spurt soon enough and cocoon.”

Dave actually solved the awkward silence. Karkat ended up smiling, wrapping his arms around Dave again to have him close. The moments like this were the best in Karkat’s opinion. He had time to relax and time to think. He had so much on his mind and now, he was finally going to say it.

"Yeah," Karkat said, grinning a little. "Honestly, you're such a damn help. I'm not used to having time for anything at all but," He nuzzled against Dave, sighing out a breath. "You've got me spoiled, you ass." He was quiet for a moment, just nodding while he organised his thoughts.

“You just want me for the cuddles.” Dave smirked, kissing Karkat’s cheek and resting against the other’s chest, red eyes following their snoozing grubs. He really loved them, mothering them more than Karkat was ever capable of. He had raised so many he had lost the love for little ones, the love Dave still had. He didn’t deserve it.

"It's not just the cuddling," Karkat said after a moment. "I really do love you. I'm guessing you know that by now." Karkat was being honest here, Dave was the cure to his frozen heart. Melting the iceberg and exposing the soft side of the troll he thought had died sweeps ago. He shook his head. "I never thought I would. I wasn't supposed to." He looked up, smiling tiredly, "Dave, we can't have sex again. You get that, right?"

Dave’s hand clenched a bit, staring at Karkat, his breath holding in his lungs. Karkat could feel the other shaking and he regretted his words. He could see the pain in Dave’s eyes as he searched Karkat’s face. He wanted to just say he was joking but this was anything but. Sex would always end up with one or both of them carrying. It was unfair but it was a fact. A really shitty fact but that's what they were. Redbloods. Breeders. If they wanted sex, they would always end up in another heart-wrenching predicament. Dave hugged Karkat, shaking his head as if wishing the facts of their existence would change.

"I know,” Dave seemed to be looking for something to say, looking back from the grubs then back to Karkat. “Doesn’t mean I don’t want to. We both do. It’s intimate and I want to feel that way with you. Makeouts and cuddles are one thing but sex. It’s --. Well, I understand why people make such a big deal about it. It feels good and you connect with the person you’re with. I just wish we didn’t have to worry about breeding each other constantly. After this first brood. Fuck. Is it even possible for us to have sex once we get back on our heat cycles? Mean, I know mine is coming back up soon enough.” He rubbed his arm and looked at Karkat.

“I know what you mean but we have to think of something. These little ones aren’t going to stay this small forever. Hell, by the time they pupate into trolls we’ll be back in the cycle and I’ll have to go back to fighting. Damnit… I haven't trained in a perigee. I’m getting fat.” Dave chuckled, poking Karkat in the tummy, giggling when it gave a bit of give.

“Nah, I like you like this,” He wrapped his arms around Karkat. “More to hold.” Dave’s smile faded after a minute, sighing as he pulled away. Karkat sent him a knowing glance. Dave had been hurting a bit still from what he had done to his eggs, just as much as Karkat was hurting from his failed brood and the grubs that Karkat has laid outright dying in front of his eyes. He didn't know if either of them could stand experiencing that again.

Dave was clearly having a hard time putting his feelings into words and clutched Karkat’s shirt as he leaned his head on his chest, trying his best not to cry. Karkat felt the hot sting of tears soaking his shirt. He wished he could break down too but instead he wrapped his arms around Dave, comforting him. Dave mumbled out his next reply.

"I love you and always will, just...I guess we'll just...have tons of make outs and just make sure to be careful with the sex."

“Yeah.” Karkat just wanted to hold Dave a bit longer and pretend nothing was wrong. He had to find a solution for this before their heats started back up. Because mistakes were known to repeat and Karkat was scared of repeating theirs. He loved Dave too much to hurt him again. He couldn’t stand being hurt again. His grub dying in his arms, he never wanted anything like that to happen again.

 

**End Part 2**

  


 

 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Wow, this chapter is a rollercoaster isn't it? It made my beta cry. Then yell at me over skype about how mean I was being. It's like "you havn't seen nothing yet." But yeah...Uhm... Chapter 27 is giving me some problems with the last few bits of it so it might take a while. Ontop of some IRL issues. Lease on old place ended and landlord of new place backed out which really sucks, so I've been really stressed. Been staying at my mom's and that's zero fun. So...yeah. It'll take a while for next chapter. Sorry, but need to sort this stuff out and it's kind of caused some pretty bad writer's block. 
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	27. Scattered Raindrops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time can go by so fast when you’re raising children. Before Karkat knows it, two sweeps pass in a matter of minutes. It’s all so fragmented and all Karkat can do is keep going. It’s a bit overwhelming and there’s nothing he can do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is something else. It goes all over the place and it’s somewhat confusing since I pretty much stuffed 2 sweeps worth of shit happening into 1 chapter. It was a hard chapter to write because time speeding by is really hard to make readable and if anything is confusing, please let me know. I’m still pretty new to stuffing as much info into 1 chapter as I can. The cover for the chapter was drawn back in October and looking at it cause my drawing has gotten so much better since then…Not to mention this is Karkat's imagining what John looks like. Not what he actually looks like. The real John is revealed in the next chapter.
> 
> TW: Gorey Imagery, Burnt skin/hair, overall not a good time

Part 3: Start

Greif wasn’t something Karkat ever wanted to feel again, he had grieved so much through his short fifteen sweeps. First his innocence, then his friendship with John. Both those hurts still rung clearly in his mind even though they were so long ago. Crabdad’s death had hurt pretty badly too. That pain was nothing compared to the pain he felt each time he was left alone to his thoughts. In order to avoid his thoughts he did what he could to keep busy which mostly consisted of work. He kept busy with keeping up with the chores, taking care of the castle and the wrigglers and focus on Terezi.

She was a beacon of light to his foggy days. He held her close whenever he could, cooing and chirping at her as she rested, feeding her when she was hungry. He was doing his best raising her, his little grub. He felt closer to her than any of the other wrigglers. He tried not to play favorites. So what if he was being protective of his grub? He had every right to. Just like Dave was close to Kankri.

Karkat couldn’t help but feel warmth radiate from his chest when he saw Dave interacting with either of their offspring. It was the cutest thing ever and Karkat couldn’t hide the grin that kept appearing on his face whenever Dave looked to him for help. Dave was trying but sometimes it was better to task someone who actually knew. Karkat had the experience, sweeps of it and he helped his matesprit with the tiny seadweller mutant whenever he could. In fact, he grew closer to the other grub as well, a smile welling up on his face whenever he got both grubs looking at him like he was both of their broodmother. Dave didn’t seem to mind the closeness either, a weary smile on his face as both tired adults put their grubs to bed.

The grubs kept them busy and while they appreciated the quiet moments when they both slept, they couldn’t have been happier with them. Even convincing Kankri to leave the bathtub was enjoyable. Dave smiled at him from the edge of the tub, watching Kankri swim around in the small pool. Karkat reached a towel covered hand down, rubbing the little one’s face to clean it off. Kankri chirped with joy, his tiny legs waving for his parents. A smile flowed over his features as he picked up the little one from the tub, wrapping him in a soft towel. Dave smiled up at his matesprit before his gaze returned to the tub. Karkat pulled the bathing-liquid loss prevention cap, flinging the excess water on his hand back in before standing and wiping his hands off on his jeans.

“I thought he would just stick to me the entire time since I’m his broodmother but you two get along pretty well.” Dave looked at Karkat as he held Kankri, who didn’t seem to agree with the towel and crawled out, crawling over Karkat’s shirt before perching himself onto his shoulder like some kind of feathered mockingbeast.

“Well yeah, I’m your matesprit so we spend tons of time together, it’s no wonder the little guy likes me so much. Besides, what else am I going to do while Terezi is sleeping? Kanaya and the others are still here and they’re a huge help with the rest of the wrigglers. Like, don’t get me wrong I love them all but--” Karkat couldn’t think of how to say it.

“You love these two more because it’s blood?” Karkat nodded, pulling Kankri off his shoulder and heading towards the bedroom.

“Something like that.” He carried Kankri over to the bed, putting him down next to the resting teal grub. They were so cute together, the poor dears tuckered out from a day of causing mayhem and worry for their parents. They both had experience with grubs yet these two just happened to be the biggest handful yet. Karkat was often fishing Kankri out of the sink or tub, the thing crawling there middle of the day. Terezi was sweet when awake but the girl had a habit of sleepwalking.

"I love you." he said, again, for possibly the billionth time that night. Dave kissed his cheek in return. Karkat had managed to convince himself that Dave would argue the point, or that he'd decide they didn't need to be together at all if they couldn't hold the flushed quadrant. They hadn’t had sex in almost a perigee now and Karkat was getting used to being intimate without it. Dave pulled Karkat closer. Karkat's eyes closed, breath sighing out all at once.

“You say it so often it gets hard to keep up.” Karkat just grinned and kissed Dave’s cheek. "I am honest to god flushed stupid for you. You don't know how grateful I am," He let Dave sink lower and held him close as he shook. "I'm grateful for the grubs we do have. I don't regret them. I couldn't. But--"

 

Before he'd managed to muster up the shameglobes for this conversation, Karkat had already gotten the preliminary plans out of the way --construction of an isolation chamber would be finished by the time one of them entered heat again. Beyond that, they should be able to control themselves. Gentle kisses and cuddling while raising their descendants was as far as they could go.

“I understand, Karkat. We acted immature and stupid because of our heat. I don’t regret it, either. I love Terezi and Kankri and I couldn’t imagine my life without them…Without you.”

Karkat leaned forward and cupped his matesprit’s face, kissing him. He couldn’t be happier and he didn’t want it to change. Dave agreed to keep their quadrant so Karkat let himself think it would be okay. Dave pulled away, a sheepish grin on his face as he placed a blanket over their tiny grubs. There was a pause for a moment before Dave spoke.

“Want to make out?” Karkat snorted at Dave’s suggestion, shaking his head. Dave was so bluntly honest about what he wanted. It made his matesprit all the more adorable and dorky. He loved it.

"Makeouts sound fucking spectacular," Karkat whispered and they spent the day wrapped together trading kisses. It was easy for Karkat to lose himself in Dave. He'd missed Dave like hell while he tried to put distance between them before he realised they can still be closeand keep their pants on. They fell asleep in eachother’s arms, their grubs sleeping between their tangled legs. Just for a day, he wanted nothing but his matesprit. Everything else could wait, he needed this.

 

***

 

The following night had started as any other, with Dave and Karkat sleeping huddled around their grubs, exhaustion taking them. Taking care of grubs they actually were related to was so much different than taking care of the others. Sure basic care was there, keeping them fed and healthy. But then there was the emotional bond of a parent. Karkat couldn’t help but grin ear to ear each time Dave held Kankri up in his arms. Each second spent watching his family interact was the best and Karkat wouldn’t have it any other way, their bright eyes looking at him as he impersonated a monster, fake roars and everything. He had a hard time keeping a scary face as he held his arms out and lunged into a tickle attack.

Terezi had the loudest screech imaginable when she was tickled, pushing away Karkat’s fingers with her little grub legs. She was his sun and he almost forgot he had other wrigglers in the castle. So, when he found his arms empty that evening he panicked, tearing the sheets off the bed and flipping a chair upside down. Dave yawned before he realised the situation that snapped him wide awake, standing there with Kankri cradled in his arms as he tried to focus on helping Karkat. It became obvious that Terezi was not in the room and Karkat’s thoughts immediately jumped to the worst conclusion.

His eyes fell on the door and he felt his heart drop out. The door was open a few inches, wide enough for a tiny grub like Terezi to slip out. He swallowed as he slipped on his shoes, not even bothering to get dressed beyond sliding on a hoodie. He grabbed a fleece blanket and a water bottle, just incase. As he stalked the courtyard he braced himself for what he might see there. He couldn’t take that, he just prayed she found somewhere to hide or better yet, she came out when the sun had already set.

Karkat was calling out her name every few steps, hoping to hear the recognisable chirp of his daughter. Eventually, his call was returned by a frail chirp. His eyes went wide as he flew towards the source of the sound. There, in a dark corner lay a very little teal grub. He choked back tears when he saw her. She was covered in dirt and blood, there were obvious burns on her carapace and most of her fur had burnt off. He kneeled down, wetting the fleece blanket with the water as he gently picked her up, sitting against the wall as he tried to get as much filth as possible off his daughter. As he worked, wet chirps of anguish escaped her lips.

[ ](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/358e9f_6e77e7cb24d040b097d002500e9fb3b2~mv2.jpg)

Karkat didn’t know what to do and he had to keep blinking away tears of frustration as they bled into his eyes, making it difficult for him to see what he was doing. Parts of her shell were burnt off, the soft parts of her body exposed underneath. Karkat turned her over, examining her belly. Mostly unburnt, she had been smart enough to protect her organs. Terezi’s eyes were swollen shut, the lids pressed over the delicate orbs beneath. Teal and scabbed so they looked like a single expanse of skin. There were dots of bright red too, the skin so thin and burnt away he could see what remained of her eyes. There were too many blisters to make out anything really. The was no way he could really gauge the damage under all the blood and he was reluctant to touch them. Would she be able to see again?

The fact she found somewhere to hide was a miracle and he hoped he could save his daughter. He slowly stood up, walking to the room Kanaya was in. She had soper right? It was the heal-all medicine. Even if he couldn’t save his daughter, at least she would go pain free. Karkat grew angry at himself, refusing to think about his grub possibly dying.

No. Terezi **would** survive and grow up and be the best little girl ever. Kanaya had to be back from her trip to the outer city, he was pretty sure he heard her say it and Dave was talking about it as well. She had a matesprit she visited often and her visits back to the orphanage were becoming sparse. Kanaya had to be here, she just had to. He near banged a hole into Kanaya’s door, the troll opening it with a weary look on her face.  
“What is it, Karkat?” She yawned, rubbing her eyes. She looked weary, tired. “I just got back last night and I’m really tired and --” She paused, as she took in the distressed look on Karkat’s face, her weary look absconding moment she saw what was in the wet blanket.

“Help her, please.”

Karkat had no idea how he managed to keep his words straight, his mind was reeling in panic. Kanaya took Terezi, heading to her restroom. She gently placed Terezi into a small tub by the side of the sink, getting a soper packets and pouring it into the side of the blanket. Warm water flowed from the tap, filling the tub with green water. She looked at Karkat and frowned.

“I’m not sure all the damage can be healed, it appears to be quite serious. It’ll be up to her to fight through this.” Karkat nodded, watching as the strain of the grub’s lips relaxed, her body following until she seemed to fall asleep in the tub. Kanaya slowly moved the tub down onto the floor, wiping some burnt skin away from Terezi’s face with the soper soaked fabric. “All we can do is wait.”

“I know. God...I --How did I let this happen?,” Karkat’s breath was coming out ragged, panic and adrenaline still pumping through his body. “I should have been more careful. The fucking door was open and...fuck. She could’ve died and it would’ve been my fault.” He knelt down, resting on his heels. “I would have lost my entire clutch and...fuck. I knew I was a shitty redblood I just didn’t think I was that bad of a lusus, as a parent. Most redbloods don’t get to raise grubs this way, just brood after brood and...fuck. As a free redblood I’m a shitty example. Oh god...I fucked up so bad Kanaya. What if she doesn’t make it? I don’t think I can do this…”

Kanaya listened and let out a sigh.

“Karkat, you’re my lusus. Even if I’ve grown up and left, you’re still a part of me. If you weren’t taking care of these grubs over the sweeps then what would have become of them? What would have become of me, Eridan and Sollux? Not to mention the others. What about the little wrigglers that rely on you right now? They wouldn’t have a home and you’re giving them a childhood as compared to those jadeblooded foster homes where only their basic needs are provided for. You’re not a bad troll. You raised so many and we all turned out fine. You haven't failed them, nor have you failed Terezi. Please, don’t put yourself down like this.”

Karkat frowned, glancing down at his sleeping child. His poor, hurting child. “I’m obviously not any good for Terezi.” He heard Kanaya shift and felt her cool hand on his face.

“Karkat, I am going to be blunt with you. You are a good lusus. This one thing does not define you. Now go, let Dave know everything is sorted out, alright? Terezi needs to rest.”

Karkat glanced back at Terezi before nodding and standing. “You’re right, thanks.Without you we wouldn’t have soper and I know how hard a commodity it is, how hard it is for you to smuggle it here. I wish I knew your sources for this crap…”

Kanaya sighed, shaking her head. “Go, I’ll take care of Terezi.”

Karkat nodded, turning his head towards the door before returning it towards Terezi. He really didn’t want to leave yet he dared not touch Terezi and move her from the towels and blankets, forcing himself to stand up and head towards the door. He sent one last longing glance at his daughter and Kanaya just rolled her eyes, waving him out.

“Go.”

Karkat swallowed his concern and forced himself to take the first step towards the door. He knew it was instinct and forced himself down the hallway. He was doing so well at letting Kanaya look over his grub. Until he found himself speeding down the hallway to check, just to make sure. Each time he found Kanaya taking care of Terezi, putting ointment on her eyes, bandaging the grub, overall being a caring troll towards the tiny burnt grub. He found himself returning again and again until Kanaya slammed her hand on the counter and glared at him.

“I swear, Karkat, if you do not leave me in peace to nurse your grub back to health, so help me, I will do something unseemly to your nether regions. Probably with a chainsaw.” Karkat stared a moment, trying to think of something to say in rebuttal. There was nothing he _could_ say, just lower his hand. He knew it was an empty threat, but still, his hands ended up covering his crotch, just incase.

“Right, I’m going to go do...something...else.” Kanaya let out an exasperated sigh and pointed towards the door for a final time.

“GO.” The tone in which she said it had Karkat easing himself out of the room. Kanaya had always been fearsome when she was in a bad mood and this was just one of those times. Kanaya was patient about a lot of things but not when it came to her work. She was working, keeping busy with trying to fix Karkat’s mistake. He knew he should leave her be but the need to be close to his grub in her time of need was overwhelming. Still, he knew better than to bother her.

He had to find something to busy himself with, distract himself from mulling over his grub. He could cook the wrigglers something. It was around the time the rest of the orphanage woke and he couldn’t just leave them to burn the kitchen down. The wrigglers didn’t have a good cooking role model after all, most of the stuff they attempted to cook resulted in something that resembled charcoal. He nodded at the idea and headed in the direction of the kitchen. It seemed that his solo in the kitchen wasn’t going to happen.

 

***

 

“Sol, you don’t have to put honey in every dish.”

Eridan held the jar above his head, all while holding Sollux at an arm’s distance. Thin fingers reached for the jar, leaning into the arm as Sollux desperately tried to get at the gold substance.

“Fuck you and your fucking buzzkill attitude Eridan. Give me that! This honey is destined for pancakes!” He reached over, pressing against the arm and causing it to bend until Eridan was forced to take a step back to regain his distance on the yellowblood. Sollux was getting within fingers width away from Eridan and the seadweller proceeded to stand on his toes all while leaning away. It was all Karkat could do to watch, knowing the eventual result. This wasn’t the first time this had happened after all. Karkat smirked, amused by the spectacle before him. Eridan and Sollux swore their relationship was nothing more than childhood friends but this encounter just screamed pitch solicitation.

“Three… Two….O--” Karkat stopped, the timing off. Eridan and Sollux collapsed in a pile of troll limbs while the glass jar of honey slipped out of Eridan’s fingers and onto the floor, shattering and sending glass shards went everywhere, honey splattering apart and oozing over the broken bottle. Karkat sidestepped the mess as he made his way to the sink.

“Yeah, you’re going to have to clean that up.” Eridan had his foot on Sollux’s chest while the other hung limply as he stared in shock at the pile of broken glass and honey. Karkat plastered a look of disappointment on his face. He cleared his throat to get their attention.

Both males looked up from their pile of sticky goo to look at Karkat.

“Oh wow Kar, we didn’t even notice you there.” Eridan’s leg moved to the side and Sollux collapsed on top of him. The seadweller gave an annoyed groan, shoving his hand in Sollux’s face and pushing him off. Eridan acted as if the lowblood had insulted his very being instead of just fighting over a sweety substance. It was pretty ridiculous but it helped loosen Karkat up as his eyes remained trained on the pile of dismayed trolls.

“Get some rags and clean that up.”

He started the water in the sink, wetting some rags and handed one to Eridan and Sollux, both who had realised by now their antics had resulted in their lusus treating them like wrigglers instead of the grown trolls they actually were. Karkat sighed as he watched the two start to clean up the mess before making his way to towards the pantry. They had so many wrigglers to feed and most of them weren’t old enough to cook yet. The responsibility of cooking for the many wrigglers fell on Karkat, the older wrigglers and the few adults there.

Eridan and Sollux were basically useless in the kitchen and in just about everything else.They were able to corral the wrigglers to bed before the sun rose, at least.

He couldn’t ask Kanaya for help, of course. She was so busy Karkat had no idea how she did it all. She went to the city every few days to be with her matesprit as well as work in the merchant stall, all while coming to the orphanage to help with the sick and injured wrigglers. He thought about Terezi again and wanted badly to see his grub. Terezi was in capable hands and everything would turn out fine, he just kept having to tell himself that. Karkat ran a nervous hand through his hair. He had things to do and even if his instincts told him to check on Terezi every five minutes, he had already beaten one instinct, another would be no problem. He was certain of it as his pace sped up and he ran to his grub.

Kanaya just gave a sigh of exasperation when he returned, handing Terezi to the dotting broodmother.

“I never expected you to be the over-protective type.”

“I am not overprotective,” He said as he gently scratched the scab on Terezi’s nose, “I am just the right amount of protective.”

“Whatever you say Karkat.”

 

***

 

Two perigees passed and eventually Karkat stopped constantly finding himself in Kanaya’s room and fussing over his grub. At least every time he found himself between chores, a list of never ending duties plagued him as the head of the orphanage. The very castle that was suffering from it’s protector not doing his job at keeping it a stronghold.

The roof wasn’t going to fix itself, a rather severe storm had taken out some of the more weathered tiles and replacing them under the moons light wasn’t any issue for him. It was going pretty well actually, he was halfway done with one of the roofs on the east side of the orphanage. Nothing quite as distracting as hitting your thumb with a hammer a few dozen times. He was getting pretty good at dodging the accidental blows to his claws. Karkat was concentrating on the task at hand, taking another section of roofing and laying it flat against the metal framing. It would have to line up with the others to stay put through at least a few sweeps before he would have to do this all over again. It wasn’t easy to upkeep the castle, it was old and had been built during the mothergrub war. A relic that he repurposed as a home for displaced youths with no lusus to call their own.

He had no idea how long he stayed up there but by the time he felt the prickle of the sun on his back he had a good chunk of the roof done. Putting his things away he returned to his room, Dave already asleep with Kankri and Terezi in his arms. He smiled and joined them, curling up against his perfect matesprit. When he woke, Dave was still asleep, Terezi nested in his white locks and Kankri --.

 _Oh No._ Karkat panicked, worried about the little seadweller. _This can’t happen again I--._ He heard a noise coming from the bathroom and he walked to it, seeing a shadow move within. Red eyes screened the room before it fell on the sink, the tiny grub splashing around in some blue liquid. It wasn’t soap and...Oh.

“DAVE!” Karkat screeched before he scooped Kankri out of the sink and blue fluid, a panicked look on his face. He had to wash this stuff off. The sink was full and…

He put the grub down in the shower, washing his fur and hair viciously, panic and nervous laughter breaking free of his body as he scrubbed at the grub. Kankri started screeching, crying for his broodmother. Dave bolted into the room, Terezi in his arms as he took in the scene. Karkat kneeling over the bathtub while Kankri gave him the biggest puppy eyes he could, trying to get out of the bubbly water.

Dave approached the bathtub slowly, peering down into it. Inside sat a very unhappy soaked seagrub with spots of white fur and hair littering him. The blue liquid was Dave’s hair bleach and Kankri had gotten into it. Karkat shuddered away from Dave’s glare, moving aside as he placed Terezi down on the floor and picked up his grub.

“Well, he already looks like a spotted barkbeast, might as well finish the job. Besides, I’m pretty sure the other wrigglers won’t question it. Kanaya maybe… But everyone else would just assume it’s a southerner thing. It was a really popular thing to do where I grew up. Some people even dyed their hair their blood color and their quadrantmate’s color. Pure white was a kind of anonymity thing. It made me stand out all while blending in.”

Karkat was actually pretty interested in hearing about where Dave grew up and grinned incredulously, head full of ideas about rainbow-haired trolls and lots of stinging horns. Karkat was good with his staying black and uninteresting. He crooned a little sympathetically to Terezi who regarded this with tilting her head and looking around in every direction as she tried to figure out what the commotion was and trying to crawl up the counter since she wanted to be the center of her broodmother's attention.

God, she was cute and Dave was even cuter. Karkat got to redirect his eyes now to the messy grub still in the sink.

“You’re going to bleach the rest of his fur?” Karkat plucked Terezi off the side of the counter before he ran a hand down Terezi’s back, holding her. The girl was still half asleep, yawning and rubbing her burnt red eyes. She had recovered but her eyesight was gone, she couldn’t see the disaster unfolding before her.

“What else could I do? Not like we have red or black dye. He’ll be a fucking little special snowflake.” Kankri seemed to like the idea, chirping and splashing the water.

“Uh...yeah. Ok. You do that. I’ll go get breakfast started. Lord knows we don’t want Eridan and Sollux making breakfast again. I don’t think I can ever get the taste of honeyed salmon out of my mouth.”

“Can we not talk about that? Just..yeah. Go. I’ll deal with this.”

Karkat sidestepped to the door, nodding at his matesprit.

“Right, Okay. I’ll...yeah. Bye.”

By the time he came back with the food and Terezi sucking on a tomato, Dave was laying in bed with a tiny white furred grub.

“Wow, he almost looks like a miniature mothergrub.”

“Karkat, shut up and lay down before I throw a pillow at you.” Dave grabbed the corner of a pillow to ascertain that he wasn’t joking and Karkat snorted before walking over and setting the food down, putting Terezi in his lap.

“You know, grub fur doesn’t really grow much. He’ll probably pupate before it’s back to red.” He hummed, cutting a waffle into a bite size piece and stuck it into Dave’s open mouth. Dave closed it, chewing before he swallowed. A red eye opened and looked at Karkat.

“I know that, why do you think I decided to bleach the rest of him instead of letting him look like a moldy strawberry?” He drawled, humming as he ran a hand through Kankri’s fur. The grub yawned, curling up more on Dave’s chest. Dave sat up a bit, Kankri sliding down from his chest to his lap. Didn’t wake, just kept snoozing on. Dave smiled softly, petting the soft fur of his grub.

“He’s a bit over a sweep old now. He’ll probably cocoon in a few perigees.”

“Yeah and then Terezi will follow. I’m actually a bit shocked she ended up normal, I actually thought she would have some kind of weird mutation or some shit. Like, her blood is normal and we’re… Us.”

“I can’t help but wonder what they’ll be like when they’re older.”

Dave scoffed, shaking his head, his hand resting on Kankri’s back. “Don’t even joke about that please.”

“Why not? It’s going to happen sooner or later. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if Terezi ends up with some sort of psiisonic power. She’s on the spectrum for it and who knows? She’s blind and it might even help her see.”

“Maybe? Like, I guess she could see using those at one point. IF she develops that. I doubt it though, redbloods are just --. Well, only thing special about us is we can breed.”

“Yeah but before me it was assumed redbloods couldn’t even go into a bloodrage. Like, every other troll can and it gets easier the higher on the spectrum you are so… we’re the lowest right?”

“Yeah but we both have done it. Not to mention a rustbloods rage lasts mere minutes. Yours lasts well, hours.”

“Years of practice?” Karkat shrugged, catching Dave rolling his eyes. Dave didn’t push the subject more, focusing on keeping Kankri calm and asleep. Karkat cleaned Terezi’s chin off, tomato juice streaking the underside of her chin as well as the front of her short fur. She turned her head away, not wanting to touch the napkin in Karkat’s hand, whining when it touched her skin, acting like it was another burn.

Dave just grinned and picked a strawberry off one of the waffles. “Either way, we got to wait. Who knows? Maybe Terezi’s eyes will heal during the pupation.”

“Yeah, maybe. Oh god...Dave. Not all grubs make it past that. What if--” Karkat got cut off, a strawberry blocking his talkhole. He bit into it, taking it from Dave as he began to eat the rest.

“They’ll be fine. They’re strong and healthy and if that little girl can make it through being exposed to that fucking red star we call a sun, she can do anything.” Karkat swallowed, leaning over to Dave and kissing him. “Kankri too.”

Karkat swallowed his bite of the strawberry, leaning into Dave and resting his forehead against his shoulder. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m just being an overprotective lusus. Can’t help it. Doesn’t mean you have to be right just about everything that comes out of your mouth.”

“I know I’m right, now eat your food.” Another strawberry was shoved in Karkat’s mouth.

 

***

 

Perigee’s passed and as Dave did the adorable pigtail thing he'd been doing to Terezi's hair lately while Karkat fished Kankri out from under the sofa. It wasn’t hard to do. Karkat had a stuffed bear in his hand and waved it around, waiting for the inevitable bite of baby fangs. He felt a tug on the bear and he pulled his arm back and lifted Kankri out, the grub flailing as he held on for dear life onto the stuffed toy. Karkat rested both bear and grub into his lap and petted his horns until Kankri was purring too hard to keep his jaws clamped. He cuddled into Karkat's shoulder, growling his dominance.

It was a sign he was growing up, grubs got extremely territorial and violent around the time of their pupation and Kankri was getting big enough for it too. The grub that had grown from the size of a small purrbeast was now almost up to Karkat’s knees when he was perched up on his behind. The tail he had was smaller than him now too, the poor thing unable to use it to help him swim in the tub. Karkat would have to get a kiddie pool or something. Maybe locate a lake, a few of the seadwelling wrigglers would enjoy that.

Kankri decided to let go of the teddy bear and pounce on Karkat’s leg instead and sunk his teeth in. He picked Kankri up from behind, moving the grub up and down until he let go. Karkat’s pant leg was staining red pretty fast as he did everything to hobble over to the bathtub and set Kankri down in it for the third time that day. He removed his pants, a disgruntled groan exiting when he saw the deep gashes in his skin. He wet a towel, washing the blood off as he sent annoyed glares at his son. It looked worse than it was really, nothing time couldn’t heal.

A bit of antiseptic, some bandages and there, good as new. It hurt to walk, the troll hobbling over to where Terezi was sleeping. She let out a high pitched whine as she was picked up but ended up curling up in her broodmother’s arms. Karkat smiled down at her, walking back to the restroom to give Terezi a bath and watch Kankri’s antics out of the corner of his eye as the seagrub remained inside the tub.

Dave was out with Kanaya somewhere in the castle, her trips growing more constant in the past few weeks. No doubt they were taking care of one of the many chores that needed to be done. He just hoped one of them was lunch, he was kind of hungry. Based on how fussy Kankri was, the grub was as well. Karkat set Terezi down on the toilet after washing her, drying her off with a soft towel. Kankri was still in the tub, scuffling around in circles.

Karkat’s lips thinned when Kankri paused, took one look at Terezi and hissed, turning his back on her and glaring over his shoulder. Karkat sighed, finishing drying Terezi off before sitting down and just let Kankri pout it out before he got tired and bored and eventually chirping to be picked up. Predictable, it took 10 minutes before Kankri was whining, the ends of his little front feet scuffling the edge of the tub. He wanted out and Karkat smiled, setting Terezi down and reached for the little redblood. He would have been fine, gotten Kankri to take a much needed nap, only to have the grub throw up on him. Karkat froze, vomit on his chest as he held Kankri out at arm's length. Not only were chunks of food on him but there were cocoon threads hanging off him as well. He put Kankri down on the bed, patted his head a few times and returned to the bathtub to take a shower. As excited as he was that Kankri was close to cocooning himself up, he did not need baby vomit on himself. He tossed the shirt he was wearing into the sink, pouring water and soap onto it before stripping the rest of the way. He would tell Dave soon enough, as soon as he took a shower. _Gross._

 

***

 

Dave had been checking the fortitude of their castle, a checklist in one hand and a pen in the other. Karkat had spent the past perigee fixing the roof. It was fixed, if a few sideways tiles counted as done as well as the multihued roofing that looked like Karkat just grabbed the panels from a bargain bin and just used whatever was cheapest at the time. Whatever, it worked.

He sighed, shaking his head as he went to check on the power generators. Kanaya had told him there were rumors of a growing army, and more trolls meant more challengers. It was distracting really and he needed a break from both their grubs to do something mundane like making sure nothing in the orphanage was broken.

Karkat was watching the grubs right now and Dave needed the relief. He had been fussing so much over the grubs recently, not to mention the fact he could feel his body starting to get ready for another heat.  They needed to be ready the moment it hit. That included making sure the wrigglers were safe, as well as making sure the other adults here would be fine too.

Dave didn’t have to worry about Kanaya but Karkat did. The only reason she didn’t react to his redblood scent was because of their pale quadrant, that form of pity seemed to serve as some sort of shield. She noticed it, commenting how Dave was starting to smell again, yet the look of lust was absent from her eyes. It meant his heat was coming back, he just knew it. Shame too, he had enjoyed pretending he was at least kind of normal, even if the scent of broodmother stuck to him like glue. By the time he was done checking over things the sun was coming up to time that it would rise.

Dave yawned, stretching his arms out as he made his way to the bedroom. He came in just as Karkat stepped out of the shower, towel wrapped around his waist and hair dripping water on the stone floor. Dave just quirked a brow and sat down on the bed, smirking a bit. It was then he noticed the puke on the bed, the puke he had barely missed sitting on by inches. His eyes trailed from the puke to the grubs now resting on a pile of pillows on the bed and frowned. Kankri had thrown up and-- there were traces of silk in the mess. It was too soon, he was only a sweep old, not even halfway to two. It was a bit early, most grubs pupated halfway through their first sweep. Not much could be done about it however, and Dave ran a soothing hand down his son’s fluffy back.

“Kankri’s starting to produce silk, which means it’s probably time for us to move him somewhere he can go through with it. He puked on me earlier and it seems he’s a projectile vomiting mess.”

Karkat shook the towel through his hair before approaching Dave, sighing as he picked up the grubs and set them on the floor, removing the stained blanket off the bed. Dave picked up their grubs and watched in silence, biting his lip a bit. He was nervous, he had just grown used to taking care of their grubs and soon enough they were going to pupate into trolls and…He couldn’t keep time still. Terezi would eventually grow up and ask questions as to why she couldn’t leave like the other wriggers. In time, they would have to explain to Kankri why he was so secret and could never join his sister in the outside world.

Dave didn’t want to think about it, just laying down in silence next to Karkat once the sheets were fixed.

“It’s a bit too soon for him. Or is it?” Dave mused, petting Kankri’s white locks, amused at how much the grub looked like a baby mothergrub, at least according to the history books. “Kanaya said something about redbloods pupating sooner, something about the mutation making that happen. Honestly I don’t remember if I did or not myself, you know how fuzzy those first few sweeps tend to be.”

Karkat nodded in agreement, dumping the soiled blanket in a corner before walking over to the closet to grab a fresh one, spreading it over the bed before picking up the teal who had somehow crawled onto Dave’s leg. Prying her loose was a bit of a challenge, grubs had pretty strong grips.

“Yeah. I’m still fairly new to the rearing of mutants, it’s not like I’ve done it before. I’m worried about Kankri cocooning so soon but I recognise the symptoms for it fairly well. He’s big, healthy, strong and biting the shit out of anyone who fusses over him too much.” Karkat carried Kankri over to the bed, sitting down with the wriggler still in his lap. He was huge for his age but the proper size for a cocooning. Terezi would catch up soon enough.

It was a few days later when Kankri’s vomiting got worse to the point they decided to take him into one of the dens he used for pupating grubs--dark, humid, and quiet; perfect for Kankri to get through the process. They didn’t have to wait long, Kankri had woven himself a bright red cocoon in the corner of the room, right next to the other three who were going through the same process.

He wasn’t going to play favorites but he found himself checking up on Kankri more than the others. He was making sure the conoon hadn’t dried out, that he could still feel warmth radiating from inside as Kankri’s body morphed to his childhood form. He would be inside it for at least a good perigee, sixty-five days in total. Each one feeling just as long as the last.

Terezi was growing just as well in the meantime, Karkat finding himself busy with her as well as the remaining wrigglers in the orphanage. It was quieter than it had been, either a sign their numbers were dwindling even more, or that most of the wrigglers here were growing up. Maybe it meant there were more lusus now to take care of the wrigglers that hatched out there that they didn’t need this place.

Whatever the case was, there wasn’t much time to dawdle. Both of their heats had to occur soon enough, Dave’s scent was shifting away from broodmother and back to redblood and no doubt Karkat’s was doing the same. How long did they have until their heats hit again? Katkat had to make sure they didn’t end up breeding each other again. Although, the sex without that worry was pretty great. Kanaya and Dave had been talking more as well in the meantime, no grub to watch during the late hours of the night.

Karkat often went to bed with Terezi in his arms and woke to find Dave asleep with his head on Karkat’s chest. It was cute, the relaxed look on his matesprit’s face. Slowly, Karkat kissed Dave’s cheek and moved him off to his own pillow which the younger troll hugged tight and pressed against his belly. Karkat loved the serene moments like this, no hormones, no need to fuck or make-out, just sleeping by each other in the calm serenity of the day. It was a number of days before he checked on the cocoons again, eying the remaining two. Two of the cocoons had dulled, breaking apart as the wriggler inside didn’t make it. Cocooning was the hardest trial a grub had to face and not all of them made it. Kankri’s was still bright and warm, however, and at least he could be grateful for that. He sighed, picking up a damp cloth and pat down warm water over the exterior of the cocoons. The room was damp as it was but every bit of hydration helped. He didn’t have the same environment as the brooding caverns or the grub caretaking facilities so he did what he could and just had to hope it would all turn out alright. Not to mention Kankri was a seadweller, they needed more water to survive than most.

Dave had spent so much time taking care of the cocoon, trying to ensure the troll growing inside emerged healthy. They were both there when it finally hatched. The wide smile on his matesprits face as the tiny grey troll fell out of the cocoon covered in slime. Kankri’s first bath and the tired look Dave had on his face after was just a golden moment. All of them were. The tiny troll was almost two sweeps old at this point. Dave's wriggler hatched perfectly, came out clumsy as hell without his grub legs but still willing to greet both of his parents with his teeth. Karkat dotted shamelessly and while Kankri was still having trouble moving around, he pretty much was permanently set up riding on Karkat's shoulders and gnawing on his horns --because Kankri wasn't content unless he was trying to eviscerate something. It left Dave grinning like a dork, even more so when the little one asked to have his hair dyed white like his broodmothers.

Karkat groaned internally at this, just knowing eventually it would become a growing problem with their supplies. They did not need to keep spending their valuables on hair products. What the fuck was wrong with just soap and water? Apparently a lot. He somehow found himself sitting in a chair patiently while Dave dyed a small streak of red into one of his bangs.

“Is this necessary Dave? I swear I can feel my thinkpan rotting from this.” He groaned as he rested his hand on his chin, watching as Dave rubbed the red liquid in. He was going to regret agreeing to this in a few days wasn’t he?

“Oh shush, it’s a tradition we had back in the south, I already told you.” Karkat sighed, eying the red near Dave’s ear. It looked good on him, yeah, but then again he looked good with white hair. Now that he thought about it, the longest Dave had gone without dying his hair was when he was pregnant. “It’s more a way of expressing yourself anyways,” Dave prattled on, wrapping the chunk of hair in foil before going over to the sink. “You can always dye it black again if you really need to, or just cut it off. Your hair has enough split ends as is anyways.”

Karkat frowned, uncomfortable with the extra weight the foil caused.

“No, this is fine. Besides, the color will probably fade before your next heat...or mine. Not that I want our heats to happen. It’s been nice without.” He drummed his fingers on the chair, thinking. “It’s weird. All other redbloods have heats mere weeks after laying yet we’ve gone almost a sweep without. Think it’s natural or what?”

Dave was washing his hands and sighed, turning the water off before walking over to the towels to dry off. “I don’t know. I don’t mind though. But Kanaya said my scent is starting to come back so it might just be a broodmother thing maybe? No heats until the grub pupates and...hell, Terezi is going to soon enough. For all we know, my heat will hit in a few days or whatever. I’m scared of having more grubs, Karkat. I love you and Terezi and Kankri and…” He took a deep breath, turning towards his matesprit. “I’m just worried okay?”

“Yeah, it’s going to be what? Two sweeps almost since we made the quadrant official? We need to figure out just how we’re going to handle our heats when they come back. For all we know, us not having it for so long might mean we lose ourselves and it’ll be like our first heats all over again.”

Dave nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I mean, we still have a bit to figure it out. Besides,” He went over to the basket Terezi was napping in, running a hand over her teal fur, “we still have them and the rest of the wrigglers here to make sure we don’t lose our shit.”

“Yeah, I know. Eridan and Sollux have been talking about going back out to that port city soon, apparently something big is going down out there and they want to check it out.”

“Yeah, Kanaya’s been gone longer and more often too. She’s really been spending a lot of time with that indigoblood. I keep wanting to see a photo but she keeps saying no.” He shrugged. “Meh, whatever. I’m just her moirail, we don’t have to tell everything to each other if we don’t want to. Just like I don’t tell you everything even though we’re flushed.”

Karkat nodded in agreement, standing up and walking over to the mirror. “Yeah. How long do I have to keep this in my hair by the way?”

Dave just rolled his eyes. “Patience is a virtue young padawan.”

“Dave. You know I have no idea what pop-culture reference that is.”

“I know.” Dave just smirked, booping Karkat’s nose before he took Kankri by the hand and picked Terezi up, leading them out of the room.  
“What about my hair?!” Karkat shouted after.  
“Just give it a few more minutes before you wash it, otherwise it’ll fall out.” Karkat groaned, shaking his head. He groaned again when in the shower red hair fell on his shoulder. All of it had burnt off.

“Well. That’s one way to celebrate Terezi’s first wrigglerday…” He sighed, drying off as he headed out of the room to get dressed. There was cake and presents out there and he planned to… Decorate the cake. Making it had been left to Kanaya. She didn’t set half the kitchen on fire so that was his reasoning for it.

Still, he worried about his grub. Even after her eyes had healed, she had yet to regain her vision. He wondered if she ever would. Regardless, he had celebrations to attend to and wrigglers to entertain. Nothing could go wrong at a hatchingday party, right? Nothing did, much to Karkat’s surprise. Everything went well. Kankri ate as much cake as he could, the other wrigglers played and even tiny blind Terezi had fun until it tuckered her out and Karkat took her to their room and fell asleep with her in his arms. Dave joined him a few hours later and Karkat reached out to hold the other trolls hand. He could smell the distinct smell of cherries. Dave smelled like cherries. He smiled, shutting his eyes. He fell asleep without a second thought at this point, a smile on his face. It had been a good day and they could worry about everything else tomorrow.

 

***

 

“Dad! Daaad! Dad! wake up.” The little wriggler shook Karkat’s arm, trying to wake the tired troll. Karkat groaned, curling up more and pulling the blanket, trying to get more sleep. Kankri let out an annoyed huff and did as any almost 2 sweep old would do and jumped on the bed, not caring at all that he was stomping on Karkat’s hipbone or legs or anything. Karkat was going to ignore it, up until he felt the cold on his leg followed by the fresh sting of a bite. That had him up in seconds a growl escaping his lips and eyes wide and watering as he was met with the exceptionally pleased look on Kankri’s face.

“You are a horrorterror. It’s not even night yet!” He pointed at the darkened window, the curtain drawn over it as Dave was woken from the commotion, Terezi asleep in his lap as the white-haired troll rubbed his eyes.

“MMmm...Can you two keep it down? Terezi is still asleep and I want to get at least another half an hour of said substance.” Karkat sighed, rubbing his leg as he looked at Dave.

“Your child bit me in the leg to wake me up.”

“He’s your child too.” Dave fell back in the bed, snoring gently. Terezi woke up from the fall, yawning gently and rubbing her red eyes. The eyelids had healed pretty well and most of her fur had grown back at this point. The red was a constant reminder of his failure. He wasn’t going to let that stop him or her, picking her up and hugging her. She squeaked, purring as Karkat brought her up to him and nuzzled against his daughter.

“Yeah they’re both our kids. One’s who...uh...Why did you wake us up so early?”

Kankri groaned, falling to his side as if it was the dumbest question ever. “It’s Terezi’s hatchingday. I would comment on how dumb you are but that’s not nice and Kanaya told me to be nice to people, even if they’re dumb.” Karkat snorted, shaking his head.

“What else did Kanaya say? Did she say anything about letting sleeping trolls sleep?”

Kankri thought a moment and shook his head. “No. She just said...Oh. She said not to bite people unless they’re being mean.”

“Yeah...why did you bite me then?” Karkat mused, watching as the kid worked it out in his mind.

“But you were being mean. You were sleeping and not paying attention to me!” Kankri whined, shaking Karkat’s shoulder again, grey eyes wide and giving the biggest babydoll face he could. It had Karkat breaking down in laughter, enough so that Dave sat up a bit and punched Karkat in the side.

“Shut up. You two duskbirds go outside and let me and Terezi sleep. I am tired, please go.” Karkat snorted, rubbing his side a bit before kissing Dave on the cheek and slid out of bed, helping Kankri out.

“Come on kiddo, let’s get you cleaned up and let Dave and ‘Rezi sleep a bit more okay?” Kankri nodded, taking Karkat’s hand and followed him to the bathroom.

“Think we can have candy for breakfast?” Kankri piped up, his eyes near sparkling at the very thought of having sugary treats for breakfast, all while letting Karkat undress him as water filled the tub.

“Do you want your fangs falling out?” He took Kankri’s hand and got the seadweller into the tub and started to wash his hair.

“No, but I still want candy.” Kankri squeezed his eyes shut as shampoo lathered his hair.

“Well, maybe if you’re a good boy you can have some for a snack.” Karkat wasn’t being truthful here, they had to cut down on the sweets lately, chocolate was getting hard to come by. Food was in general. With not many lowbloods to work the field in the outside world the orphanage was forced to rely on themselves and whatever game they could kill. They had enough sugar at least for a cake.

Terezi was due to cocoon any day now too, growing to the right size and everything. He just hoped she made it. She was the only grub he had and although Kankri was also his child, his instincts with him weren’t as strong. Nothing like Dave’s. He wondered if after this bath he should wake the other up, Terezi had to eat as did everyone else.

Karkat was just musing in his thoughts, thinking about what was on the agenda for the day. Getting the wrigglers in the orphanage to do their schoolfeeding, getting Kankri to learn more words, making sure the grubs and cocoons were doing alright. Not to mention he still had to finish yet another roof repair. It was a never ending cycle of obligations.

A never ending cycle of monotonous chores, play, and parenting. It all felt too calm and boring, something Karkat hadn’t felt in sweeps. Sure, it was nice not to have to defend the orphanage but it felt like it was missing...something. He didn’t complain however, just kept going. When Terezi cocooned he was a bit excited but then again, it all felt so exhausting, like his life was on a boring highway in the middle of nowhere where all he could do was watch the days pass. It was all just so easy. Like his life had finally settled down and nothing could go wrong.

It was also pretty depressing, his life had meant something, he was defending wrigglers and making sure to keep his chastity. But now? He felt like some domestic house caretaker in one of those old black and white alien movies. They were weird and yet they seemed so similar to how his life was going now. Living with his matesprit and taking care of his wrigglers, everything calm as a lake with no wind blowing. It was nice to a point but Karkat was due to lose his mind if it kept up. He needed some sort of excitement in his life. He would come to regret that thought.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, it finally happened. You guys are going to have to wait a bit to find out what happens next. MAHAHAHA! But seriously, I need a hiatus for a few weeks(so update sometime in February). Been dealing with health issues again and I can’t even seem to start on chapter 28. It’s pretty frustrating I know, cause next chapter is pretty exciting. I just can’t handle writing it right now since I keep breaking down into tears because of health bullcrap and I desperately need the break. Sorry.  
> Also! I wanted to update on the 14th of December since it would have been funny to add chapter 27 on my 27th birthday. BUT THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT SO THAT SUCKS. But yeah...Uhm. I'm going to go lay down now.
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	28. The Calm Before the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love conquers all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mental manipulation, shennanigans

Convincing Karkat to let them take the wrigglers out of the orphanage was a pain. The troll was damn determined to prevent it. After all, most of the wrigglers here had never even see the world outside the castle walls. Which is exactly what Eridan pleaded Karkat to let him do. Eridan was prepared for a fight, after all Karkat had lost a few wrigglers in the past to excursions like this, he had to convince him. Least that was what Eridan thought.  
“Not everyone can leave the orphanage and suddenly find their calling. It’s not like you can you can line us up with a job once we’re out there, either. I spent almost three perigees trying to find work and each time I got denied because I had a shit interview and bloodcaste means jack shit if you don’t know what you’re doing. Half the job offerings I got were something to do with water, I didn’t even know how to swim! That’s exactly why I want to take the seadwelling wrigglers to the beach for a bit. It’s one week, two if you count travel time. Seriously, it’s an important life skill. Plus, it seriously helps with the aching gills which are caused by not having enough submersion time. It’s why I got asthma, because I didn’t get enough water! I know it’s not your fault, I was the first seadweller you dealt with and--”

“Okay.” Karkat answered it mellow as can be, not even looking up. He just folded another blanket in half before pulling the end towards him and folding that in half.

Eridan’s rant froze, looking at Karkat who set the blanket down on the pile of the fabric. They went through a lot of those, after all bed-wetting was still an issue with some of the younger wrigglers who had recently arrived. Orphans were becoming more common with the declining numbers of lusus. Funny how it was all connected, like some kind of circle.

Didn’t change the fact that Karkat’s answer was less than fulfilling. He expected more than just a single word. That single word left him smiling, the seadwellers earfins spreading in joy. He had missed the ocean in his short time away, after all, a seadwellers natural instinct is to surround himself in water. Freshwater was no substitute either, too long in and their gills start to hurt. It would be good for the kids. He was outright eager to go there with the five seadweller children that still lived in the orphanage, take them out to see the world which they would eventually join. He knew he enjoyed his first swim and hopped to pass that feeling to the younger violets.  It was kind of nerve wracking really, Eridan had to make sure this was perfect. He didn’t want the kids to hate the ocean afterwards. Could a seadweller even hate the ocean? He had no idea.

He of course had let his fears known to his kismesis which caused the other to roll his mismatched eyes and rub his forehead like there was a migraine forming from his question. Sollux declared that “You are a buffoon and will probably drown.”

Which Eridan rebutted with a “I’m a seadweller, I literally cannot drown.”

Their arguments were petty like this sometimes, arguing about the most inane things. It made him want to tear the other’s throat out while simultaneously making out. Regardless, he was going to give these wrigglers the best time of their young lives. An entire week by the ocean that they would grow to love, flaring their fins and spreading their gills.

He tried to convince Dave to let him take Kankri but that was answered by a harsh “no” and growling. Eridan knew better than to ask again, he rather enjoyed breathing. Despite Dave being a redblood, he was pretty fucking scary when he wanted to be. Eridan backed away from the subject quickly, returning to making preparations for the trip and focusing on that. Packing necessities such as medicine and clothes. The wrigglers weren’t much help; too busy playing and chattering. He had to do most of it. He didn’t mind, this was meant for them after all. He was just the adult caretaker, he could handle this. Hopefully.

It wasn’t that hard to get everyone to the city, hopping a ride with one of the many wagons that often visited the orphanage for supplies, paying him a total of three bronze caegars. He had made preparations at a beachside hive, one with plenty of room for the girls and boys about to experience the birthright of any seadweller, the right to the ocean. They were all excited as they made their way inside, chattering, questions flooding the air.

It was all pretty great. Eridan had no idea how he kept it all under control, he wasn’t that good with kids. Redbloods had the natural ability to take care of wrigglers, as did jadebloods. He was neither, it was by pure force he kept his cool and didn’t throttle one of them with their chipmunk like squabbling. Plus surprisingly Sollux was actually helping, despite the fact he would be stuck on land reading or whatever he decided to do while they all played in the water. Eridan glanced towards the sun-proof window, frowning as he noticed the flickers of light near the ocean's horizon.

“Now then kids, settle down. I know we just got here but the sun is about to come up any moment now and you kids need your rest before the big day tomorrow.” Groans of disappointment echoed through the walls, kids looking at him and giving him barkbeast eyes, all which Eridan tried to ignore. He had learned the skill from Karkat himself. He was no expert at ignoring it however, having to shut his eyes and clear his throat.

“Come on kids, bedtime.” Eridan crossed his arms as he had often seen Karkat do but it was not as effective since the kids just kept trying to sway his stance on the subject. Sollux had a more direct approach to dealing with the unruly wrigglers. He had no patience for the cries of protest that erupted, threatened the small seadwellers with a spark of his psiionics. That shut them up pretty fast, jaws clenched tight as they seemed to work out that the bullcrap that Karkat put up with, was not alright in the books of Eridan and Sollux. Dejected sighs rang throughout the room, their earfins falling as they made their way to their quarters. Girls on one side, boys on the other.

Sollux and Eridan in the room in the middle in case either needed them, that and it gave them some privacy. It was nice to relax with his kismesis once the kids were dealt with, able to relax in bed with the other after a long night of travel. He nipped at the others warm skin, eyes half lidded as he tried to stay awake just a bit longer for cuddles. He might have hated Sollux but Eridan was an affectionate fuck, if he had a moirail he was sure he would do the same. Sollux yawned, pointing at the window, too tired for words before resting his head down and shutting his blue and red eyes. Eridan found himself looking through the thick glass of their bedroom at the filtered sun. Not many trolls got to see the red giant and live, the flames from it deadly and only the most advanced of technology could deflect it and make it harmless. The reason glass like this was only in highblooded homes, not to mention the price of a suncloak. Still, it was nice to stay up later than the kiddos.

He was half asleep, relaxing in the other’s arms when a sound like a dozen blades filtered through the air. It shook him awake, eyes going wide as he saw a few large airships fly through the air. Unusual and rude, after all there were trolls sleeping at this time of day and for military to fly overhead to gods knew where, pissed the seadweller off. Him shifting in the bed seemed to wake Sollux up as well, the other socking him in the face with a pillow.

“Go back to sleep fishfucker.” Eridan scowled but said nothing, plopping his head back on the pillow. Whatever the case with the warships, not his problem. Dealing with a bunch of seadwellers at dusk? Very much so his problem. He’d deal with that later, after some much needed sleep.

  


***

 

Kanaya wished she could be in two places at once. The orphanage was a chaotic mess ever since Dave’s and Karkat’s wrigglers were hatched. It puzzled her to no end- after all before they were hatched, despite the occasional fight that broke out between the little ones, the orphanage ran like a well polished machine. Karkat was quick in organizing wrigglers to their assigned task, making sure very little could go astray. It was after Kankri and Terezi were present that Karkat called for help. It was something the redblood had been too stubborn to do in the past. Kanaya was one of the few adult trolls who answered the call of her lusus without a second thought, most kept living their life out past the walls. Besides, her moirail was in the orphanage still and troll instincts were troll instincts, she wanted to be there. Dave needed her more than ever now. Not only to have feeling jams with but to help with the maternal instincts that seemed to floor him. She had found him many times while Kankri was still a grub holding him out at arm's length while the furry grub screeched his lungs off. It was tiring dealing with it all but worth it to see Dave calm and relaxed. Besides, she needed to tell him so much about the outside world that he was missing out on.

Well, the parts she had taken part of. How the situation with redbloods hadn’t changed much, even with the heiress putting her input on how things should be handled to the Condence. It was a hard time, the Condence was so old now that her hair had turned grey and wrinkles covered her. She was so old now, millenia passing so rapidly. Yet she did well to adapt to the situation. Yet everyone could see it happening, her mind was slipping and Feferi Peixes was taking over. It would be quite different under her rule, an inevitability. Kanaya was worried it might get worse overall but who knew? No one did really. It was easier not to think about and just keep going on like nothing was different until it became official. For one thing, redbloods were now being placed with at least one broodsibling. After all, they were not allowed moirails, not officially anyways. Broodsiblings were the closest thing they were permitted and in exchange, they got the breeding rights of a stranger. At least trolls were starting to see redbloods as more than a walking nook.

Despite her desire to be close to Dave, she couldn’t dedicate her entire time to him. She was a jadeblood, a working class caste and she couldn’t just abandon her duties. In the past jadebloods took care of the brooding caverns and the mothergrub, ensuring the continuation of their species. With no mothergrub, there was no need for a jadeblood to venture deep into the caverns. Those old places were abandoned and in ruins. It was a reminder of how different their species lives used to be. It was a relic of the past, they didn’t need it in their lives. Refashioning them as something useful was too much work, thus they lay there abandoned, mostly sealed off to everyone. It was for the best, after all many jades who passed the caverns were hit with a feeling of guilt. They had been the ones blamed for the war after all, it was a blessing they hadn’t been culled for what had happened. Jades were a disgraced species and it was hard to find work outside of taking care of redbloods and the product of their servitude. It was their punishment, being forced to take care of the last of those capable to keep their species from dying out. Kanaya was  expected to report to a wriggler care center yet she never did, instead she worked with another jadeblooded merchant in selling products.

Soper was one of those products, the thick goo a necessity for many trolls. It was a painkiller, a relaxant, a substance used to ease the mind. It was strictly reserved for the laying of eggs, easing the pain of a redblood and increasing their chance of survival. Many had died before this effect was discovered and  it was a good thing too, to keep the breeders alive and keep the species from waning.. It was why there were no rustbloods and  very few brownbloods. They had died off before their numbers could be replaced could replace their numbers. The yellowbloods had almost been lost as well but one figured out just how the green glowing substance affected the broodmother and now it was the common practice to keep the broodmother submerged in the substance the last perigee of their pregnancy. Despite their bodies housing a seedflap, a troll was not made to lay large quantities of eggs. It was why redbloods died so early in their lives, overbred and overstimulated with pain. At least now the fatalities caused by blood loss was minimized to one redblood for every few hundred. If it wasn’t for the fact that many trolls died each sweep redbloods wouldn’t be bred to the point of it being dangerous. Yet the numbers were needed, one dead redblood was nothing in the grand scheme of things when one redblooded brood resulted in about twenty new trolls. Besides, new redbloods were hatched each day. Their numbers weren’t getting much higher now but at least they were no longer dwindling to point of certain castes being gone.

The fall of their empire had lost so much of their expected life style, their way of war. No, they never lost their way of war. They were a violent species who in the past killed not only aliens but their own kind for fun. It was going to fail one day and they all knew that but for now, what else could she do but her job? Splitting her time between the orphanage one day and the shop she worked in another. It was all tiring and if not for a certain patron that visited every week, she would have lost her mind.

She had Rose. They had met when the indigoblood had come to the shop, saying she was picking up some soper for her commanding officer. Kanaya of course obliged, as well as rebutted the flirting the indigo offered. Flirting that repeated each time the curvy troll came into the shop. It was the highlight of her night to spend a few minutes with the other troll and she began to look forward to the end of each week when she came for supplies. She made sure to be there those days, well, except for when Karkat and Dave really needed her. Those couldn’t be helped.

It was one of those days, Kanaya grinning as she heard the shops bell ring and a familiar figure walked in.

“Hello Lieutenant Lalonde!” Kanaya said cheerfully,  Rose just smiled at her, giving her the order forms for Soper and other supplies her employer needed. This was so routine now, Kanaya only having to skim the official document before walking towards the herbs and other powders. It was always the same, tea, some medicine for smoothing out horn scars, as well as soper.  

“Miss Maryam. It’s a nice night we’re having.” Kanaya hummed as she reached the first thing on the list.  Kanaya prepared the herbs in small metal cylinders, counting each ounce on a scale before bundling it up in a cloth pouch, tying it up with twine once she was done. It was the soper she spent the most time on, knowing how important it was not to mess this one up, pouring it down a funnel to measure it exactly in a cup before tipping it over onto a sheet of paper, using a brush to make sure each grain of green dust was getting into the plastic envelope used to carry such a potent drug.

“Yes, the weather is nice but what else can you expect from the Dim Season? Everything has warmed up after such a cold Dark  and Cold Season. You would expect things to get warmer, six perigees of winter, far too long in my opinion.”

Rose nodded in agreement at Kanaya’s statement. She was strolling around in the shop, indigo eyes glancing up and down at all the merchandise and teas. She reached up, taking a tin box full of tea and walked over to the counter, waiting on Kanaya.

“You would assume with the claims that the sun is getting hotter a shorter winter would be the result, not a longer one.”  

Kanaya hummed in agreement, shaking her head before stepping towards the counter and setting down the envelope thick with soper down. She was pretty certain her estimations of the weight of the products was accurate. She was pretty good at such things, either by luck or the half a sweep she spent learning the ins and outs of the shop.

“Yes but the death of a star is long and slow. The sun is actually getting colder before it will shrink up and turn into a white dwarf or be extinguished.” Rose glanced at the window as she said it, as if expecting the sun to suddenly be there.

Kanaya stretched a bit, realizing her back was far too stiff from sitting hunched over all day on her tablet. Business was slow currently, after all the redbloods were being prepared for the upcoming holiday. The Rainbow Festival, a time to celebrate one’s caste and enjoy festivities. No caste was treated lesser that day and Kanaya was looking forward to it. Primarily because she had someone to go celebrate it with this sweep. The redblood area? She would avoid that even if it meant ignoring a huge part of the celebration. It was to celebrate their new way of life as well, even if it was a bit gross in her opinion. Redbloods were prepared for this, the most procreative day yet. Another holiday would follow after a few perigees, when their numbers were boosted because of it. Kanaya was still coming to terms of this holiday being a thing, they never celebrated in the orphanage after all. Her attention returned to Rose.

“You make it sound like it’s dying right now,” Kanaya returned in answer as  Rose brushed her black hair behind her pointed ear, “That will take billions of years, much like it took that long to get to this point.”

Rose’s attention shifted to a jar of candies on the counter, twirling the stick it rested on as she contemplating getting it. She pulled it out, setting it down next to the box of tea and the growing pile of medicine. Kanaya thought a moment, tying up yet another pouch.

“Yes but it’s conditions were right to sprout life, I mean, we wouldn’t be alive right now if not for the sun, despite all it’s flaws.” She picked up the list and checking it twice over before setting it down. “I think that’s all?”

Rose thought a moment, leaning down against the counter. “Yes, I suppose so. Yet it’s such a lovely night and I am not expected to return for a few hours.”

Kanaya looked questionably at the other. “Oh?”

“Yeah. I was thinking we could go out and grab a coffee or something.” Kanaya giggled a bit, shaking her head.

“You know I have work, regardless of how slow it is. While indigobloods such as yourself have the time to be leisurely, I have to keep this place under watch until the master gets back from his dealings.” The other jadeblood was on the way to a port-town to trade for herbs from across the ocean, restock their supplies. Not that they were short on them or anything, they had a herb garden after all. One that was spouting with buds that would grow strong through the Dim Season and be ready to harvest by the late Bright Season.

Rose’s face fell to a frown, tapping the table. “I see. I would think with our flushed quadrant you would be more willing to break hold of your schedule. It’s really quite something really, we rarely get to go anywhere just the two of us. You’ll still come with me to the Rainbow Festival in a few weeks right?”

Kanaya sighed, running a hand through her hair.

“Yes of course. I know this but the difference in blood means I’m working class and you are of the political class. What was it you did again?”

Rose sighed, helping Kanaya bag the herbs, prepare them for transport. “Personal gopher for the second Grand Highblood.” Kanaya frowned, looking at the envelope of soper.

“I take it he has a redblood under his care then?” Rose shook her head, Kanaya frowning at this. Soper was primarily for redbloods so then why would he need the substance?

“He’s one of the highest ranking generals out there, minus John Egbert. Not much can stop either of them from getting what they want. General Makara uses it as a sedative to his rage, otherwise who knows what he would do without. It’s obvious Egbert wants him to stop but doesn’t do much about it. We all know it’s because he wants to see just how far that moirail of his will go. Egbert is ruthless when it comes to things like that.” Rose pulled the candy out of the jar, setting by the side of her other purchases. She wasn’t the one paying, it was all funded by the general’s oversized wallet. Even as an indigoblood she understood the wonderful thing that was free food.

“I heard he got rejected at some point by a kid he had a flushcrush on and he’s been bitter about that since. You would think the troll would move on.” Rose giggled at her statement, as if the knowledge of John’s personal life was some kind of big state secret.

Kanaya shrugged, pretending she didn’t know just who he got rejected by. She had quite a laugh once the facts lined up. No wonder the blueblood was such an asshole when he got rejected.

Rose giggled.

“Yes, you would think so. Then again, the one who rejected him is the infamous Karkat Vantas. Hard to imagine that bastard having any sort of feelings at all. He thinks himself some sort of rebel when he’s just being a thorn in the side of the empire. He’s rejecting his place and that has to stop. I’m sure you agree with me. Especially since he’s inciting other redbloods to think they have can forsake their duty of procreations.” Rose said it with air of amusement and Kanaya felt like she wanted to scream. She just wanted to tell Rose how wrong she was. It was a hard subject with Rose, talking about a castes birthright. The indigo saw nothing wrong with the hemocaste system and it was hard to swallow. Then again, the air of sarcasm from the words made her wonder if she believed it or not. After all, she fell for a midblood, or at least Kanaya assumed Rose's feelings for her were genuine. She wouldn’t let their differences separate them. Afterall, everyone was expected to feel the same when it came to the mutantbloods. Rose’s voice pulled Kanaya out of her thoughts.

“Speaking of procreation and the activity it pertains...Maybe we can go upstairs and...?” Rose waggled her eyebrows and Kanaya blushed, the green spreading from ear to ear. Rose had a way of changing the subject in a way that she couldn’t refuse. She was grinning pointy ear to pointy ear.

“Rose! What a way to change the subject!” Kanaya burst out laughing, shaking her head as Rose just grinned, her upper fangs exposed as she wagged her eyebrows more. Rose stood on her toes and kissed the taller troll, leading her up the stairs of the shop to the living quarters. It would have been faster to go out, get coffee and return by the time they finished their activities upstairs but Kanaya wasn’t going to complain. She loved how passionate Rose got during sex, it was like she was able to control Kanaya and make the jadeblooded troll moan until her throat got sore. She did for the next hour, gasping as Rose broke her mind with how good she felt.

Once it was over, Kanaya lay there contently, eyes shut. She drifted off, waking a few hours later as the sun was coming up and bathing the shop in light, she could feel it’s warmth on her back. Not having the desire to burn, she stood and crossed the room, looking out the window a few seconds as she reached around for the curtain. A noise grew from outside and she froze, the view setting in. Airships were flying past, the noise from their propellers filling the air. She looked back at Rose who had woken up and was covering her ears with her hands.

“Have they started already? How long were we asleep for?” Rose stood up from the bed, picking her panties up from the flooring and slid into them, walking over to the bedroom window to glance out at the oncoming machinery. Kanaya frowned looking back at Rose before shutting the curtains.  Rose turned and walked back to the bed falling back on it and stretching.  

“It’s sunrise. What do you mean started? What’s going on?” Kanaya joined Rose on the bed.

Rose smiled, still laying on the bed with her eyes closed.

“The empire decided it’s had enough , that wrigglersnatching terrorist has got to go.” Kanaya took a moment to let the information sink in. She dashed across the room, picking up her tablet to try and contact Karkat. Rose watched her as Kanaya angrily typed out her message, her eyes brimming over with tears and wiped at the liquid. So many typos but she was shaken enough to not care. How could Rose not tell her earlier? She had to warn Dave and the others. How did she not suspect Rose as an informant? There had to be a reason it was her that --She had lapses in her memory when she was with Rose. Rose was an indigoblood, she didn’t want to be deceived but her caste was known for it, using trolls like pawns. Her heart felt betrayed and she needed her moirail.  

_Dave._

She could not just leave for them defenseless and in harm's way. She had only arrived at the city the night prior and now she had to go back. It hurt, knowing she had to go but she was the only one who could warn them, keep them safe. Rose was coming towards her and Kanaya’s eyes widened, standing up and rushing to the restroom, locking the door behind her. It hurt to breath. She gasped, wiping at the tears as she tried to send the message again.

“Kanaya?” Rose called through the door. “Let me in.”

Kanaya’s eyes widened, her tablet almost slipping through her fingers. She picked it up, wiping the sweat on her palm on her rust colored skirt before she returned to hastily typing. She heard a pounding on the door and jade eyes glared at the expanse of wood, not wanting to answer. She set her tablet down, walking towards the door to unlock it. Her tablet beeped and she looked back,  trying to figure out why she was at the door. She frowned, walking back to the place she had been, picking her tablet off the floor.

“Kanaya! Please, let me talk to you.” Kanaya bit at her lip a moment and opened the door despite her internal protest. She met Rose’s eyes,  and it was like the anger she felt was melting away. She still had her words, at least.

“I can’t forgive you. You broke my trust and,” she paused, gripping her arms with her claws, trying to shut the door but her arm just wouldn’t move. It wasn’t working. “You lied to me. You used me.”

“Yes I did and I am so sorry. Please listen to me, I can explain.”

“You know I won’t be able to trust you again. My moirail is in there, Rose. I have to warn-” Her voice caught in her throat, Rose standing and crossing the room towards her.

“Don’t say that.” Kanaya opened her mouth to speak but Rose put a pair of fingers on her lips and silenced the jadeblood.  
She needed to warn Dave. Who was Dave? The name stuck in her mind and she felt hurt that she couldn’t remember, it was important to remember.

“Hush, darling.” She pulled Kanaya into her arms, hand resting on her waist. Kanaya felt the urge to fight rise and die within seconds, her face relaxing in Rose’s cool embrace. Kanaya looked up at her matesprit’s glowing purple eyes and smiled , resting her head against the indigo’s shoulder.

“Can I have your tablet?” Rose’s words rang like an orchestra and Kanaya pulled back, nodding as she tilted her tablet towards Rose. The indigo took it, flipped it over and peeled the casing off, pulled the battery out and dropped it on the floor. She kicked it, letting it slide under a dresser before she handed the empty tablet back, never to be used by Kanaya again.

Kanaya felt like she was frozen, stuck solid in a block of ice. Rose stepped away for a moment and fetched a robe and Kanaya stood as the other wrapped the thick fabric around her. She wanted to speak, yet she couldn’t.

Was this the control Rose seemed to always put out? Rose didn’t even need to push her as they made their way to the door. Kanaya didn’t want to go, yet Rose was in control, leading her out of the old shop. Green eyes shifted towards the other, noting how pretty Rose’s were, how pretty they glowed. Indigo as her blood, the color consumed her. It always had, led her like a puppet on string. Rose just had this way of getting what she wanted when she was like this. Kanaya reached up a hand and touched her cheek, Rose stopped in her steps and looked at Kanaya.

“Rose?” Kanaya spoke up, the glow in Rose’s eyes flickering a moment before she squeezed them shut, looking back at Kanaya. The desire to question Rose’s intent left, just following the indigo’s silent orders to come.

“I always wondered why I had never seen you in the city before a few sweeps ago. You lived there didn’t you? Oh Kanaya, I can’t let you warn them…” Kanaya held onto Rose’s arm, wondering what she was talking about. She had always been in the city with Rose, right? Or was that just another part of the spell she was under? Her memories changing and fading. She watched Rose, the troll running a cool hand over Kanaya’s cheek.

“I’m  an informant, I knew the entire time this place had connections to that place. I was meant to use you, gain information on the inner workings. It helped, you don’t remember so much because I told you to forget. I never imagined falling for you, there’s just so much to pity about you. So, I won’t let you warn them, or go to them either. You’ll leave this place as well, it’s on the list of places to be destroyed once the orphanage falls. I’ll take you with me, you’ll be so happy…”

Kanaya wanted to scream, wanted to pull away, yet she found herself calm, relaxed even as Rose made her cross the street and travel towards her carriage. It was only when they were inside and a good half a mile away that Rose closed her eyes, her body relaxing. Kanaya blinked a few times, the hazy feeling from before fading. Rose turned her head towards the jadeblood, eyes dimmed as she looked exhausted. The pieces fell together rather quickly after that, Kanaya fully realizing just what Rose was capable of.

"Was it chuckle-voodoos, Rose? Do they exist? Did you use them on me? How can you expect me to go with you, to trust you again after this? Did you fake your love for me all this time?” Rose stayed silent a moment before sighing and turning to face Kanaya.

“At first I was merely doing my job. The General had me running errands for him, you should see how he treats non-combatants. I didn’t even have to use my chuckle-voodoos most of the time. I actually did fall for you and that’s why I’m leading you out of this life, because I care for you. Now stop trying to fight this.”

Kanaya wasn’t able to fight it, she just leaned against Rose as she was taken away from the poor merchant’s home. She was going to be with her matesprit now and couldn’t be happier. There was nothing to worry about now.

“I love you too but...You didn’t have to use your powers on me.”

Rose smiled and took Kanaya’s hand.

“I had to, otherwise you would have stayed. You would have been seen as just another disgraced jadeblood, I don’t want that for you. I love you and I’m not going to blame you for something that happened over a hundred sweeps ago. Neither of us were alive back then. We just live with the consequences of what happened to the mothergrub and what’s happening now to redbloods. I don’t want you to get hurt by staying there.” Rose’s words sounded so genuine, Kanaya wanted to believe her. It hurt too much and indigobloods were such selfish creatures.

“Why would you hurt the merchant? He did nothing wrong.” Rose frowned but did nothing. She shut her eyes a moment and and it was like a rush of memories came back to Kanaya. Kanaya got a glimpse of her memory back and turned towards Rose standing up, trying to figure out what just happened. “Stop it. Stop the attack on the fortress. You can’t-” Her voice caught in her mouth, Rose regaining control and making the jade calmly sit back down.

“You know I can’t do that. I’m just an informant. A secretary, basically. I couldn’t even tell you the plans of attack. I just know that staying in that shop would have been dangerous. Don’t you see what I’m doing? I’m saving you.”

“I was going to go back, I haven't in weeks. They don’t have a real doctor and at least the meager amounts of training I have received since working here have helped. One of the grubs got out in the sun, she would have died if I didn’t have the supplies...”

“Yes. It’s commendable you care so much. I care for you, don’t you see that? This is why-”

“They need me.”

“I need you _here_ ,” Rose grabbed Kanaya’s hands, holding them in hers. “I love you.”

“Why do I have a hard time believing you?”

Rose kept silent a moment before cupping Kanaya’s face and kissing her. It was like the doubt went away. Rose did love her and whatever was going on, it was because of that love.

“Because, my job comes first.” Her eyes glowed purple, the glow drifting around her eyes as they spread to Kanaya’s. The jadeblood dropped the last of her defences and kissed back, the thoughts of returning to the orphanage fading. She didn’t need to go anywhere, she just needed to stay here with Rose, her matesprit and lover. There was nothing out in the forest for her, she just needed to go with Rose and be happy. She was so happy.

Rose led Kanaya out of the merchant's home and into this new life she was being given by her caring matesprit. She  couldn’t help but feel affection towards her matesprit, even as her past became unimportant. How could she not let the other into her mind? Rose pulled her close again and kissed her hair softly.

"I just hope we can recover from this, I love you so much."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to hell; population me. Still on a semi-hiatus until summer since I have a lot of stuff going on and I’m just drained. I will get this fic done, no matter how long it takes! I’m not leaving you guys yet! Not until I finish this, however long it takes.  
> Thank you [my wonderfully bossy beta](http://confusedminion.tumblr.com/) for helping me with this and many other chapters and putting up with my crap. You are a goddess who kicks my ass and makes me write better. Also, I have been getting a few comments on this chapter that involve screaming, crying, and more screaming. In particular about Rose. I don'y normally post spoilery things but... She does geniunly love Kanaya, she's just going about it in the weird highblooded way. It does get better for the pair of them so please, calm thy tits 
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	29. Deep in the Maelstrom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat wakes up to the sounds of explosions, no doubt shocked. It all comes to this, this confrontation woven by fate. Karkat is sure he will win, he has done it countless times before. This was just another attack..or was it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Violence, blood, minor character death

Everything seemed to be going fine for Karkat. The wrigglers were behaving, the roof was finally fixed and Terezi’s cocoon was progressing normally. The teal from the silk was fading and turning to white, meaning she was growing and changing inside. Karkat was content, he couldn’t be happier.

He thought the sound of airships overhead was just part of a dream; that he was imagining them. Curling up with Dave, he noticed something strange: The sound continued;growing into a roar. It was nothing like a dream, the sound building until it hit a raging crescendo.Through the din, he heard what could have been the wind ripping its way through tunnel and undergrowth, except louder and increasing in speed and volume. It stopped as the world shook around them. Karkat sat up abruptly, eyes wide as he looked at Dave. They shared a look of terror.

It took Karkat a moment of stunned silence to process what was going on. It was a stealth attack, had to be. Why else would the security alarms not go off? They should have woken him with plenty of time to prepare. As if by some sort of irony, the second explosion set them off, the siren filling his ears. He flung the blankets to the side and rushed to where he kept his sickles. Neither him nor Dave were in heat and yet intruders surrounded the orphanage. He didn’t think the empire would actually do something about him and his fortress in the forest. It had been going so well, so smoothly that he thought the empire had forgotten his dismissal of the status quo, had thought they’d let one renegade redblood free and live his life as he saw fit. The attacks during their heats in the past were nothing compared to this obvious coordinated assault. He thought he was in the clear, able to do as he wanted, be happy. He was so fucking happy. Dave and the wrigglers and his grubs… Terezi was still in her cocoon. Karkat walked over to the wicker basket the orb lay in and turned to face the closet.

Cocoons were so delicate, so flimsy. He couldn’t let her be moved much, not unless he wanted to risk his only grubs’ death. He swallowed, looking down at Kankri and kneeling down. The poor kid looked terrified, shaking as he stood in his pajamas. Karkat took a deep breath and held the cocoon out to him. Kankri looked up and down the cocoon before letting out a whimper and turned to his mother. Dave paused in his movement and turned to the petrified wriggler. Dave put his hand on the top of the cocoon and Karkat’s hand fell off it, letting his matesprit give his grub to Kankri.  
“Take your sister and hide somewhere safe, don’t make a sound. I’ll come back for you, I promise.” Kankri nodded, holding the cocoon close while Dave looked like he was holding back some tears. Dave bit his lip before quickly hugging their son and grabbing the suncloak and a few blankets from the closet buttoning the wriggler in the cloak and covering him in blankets. Karkat appreciated Dave so much right now, the elder had formed a lump in his throat. He didn’t know if he would come back from this. This was nothing like the previous attacks. None of the assailants were high off pheromones, they could think with no haze clouding their thoughts. The empire had brought war to his doorstep and it was one guest he couldn’t turn away. He would have to fight.

Kankri spoke up. “Where should I go?”

Dave was pulled out of whatever thoughts he was having and knelt down to Kankri. “Anywhere that seems safe.”

The wriggler was holding the cocoon like it would fall apart in his hands. The kid knew that moving Terezi too much would be deadly. She was already fragile with what happened to her eyes, a cocoon was even more vulnerable. Not that Kankri wasn’t in danger himself. Kankri was a redblood, he was in the most danger out of all the younger wrigglers. He didn’t know what the soldiers would do to him if he was found. Karkat shook his head, pushing those thoughts away for the time being. He didn’t want it to affect any chance he had of winning this battle. He just had to fight, everything depended on it. Karkat wished it didn’t have to be this way but he had to protect his broodchildren, both of them. He watched as Kankri pulled the hood of the cloak closer and went to the door, pulling the handle. He gave one final look to his parents before running off.

 _Hopefully he finds somewhere safe,_ Karkat thought as Kankri turned a corner and disappeared from view. He had to believe it would be alright, that Kankri would stay hidden and safe until all this was over. Karkat looked at Dave, the other’s lip stiff into a frown as he went to a corner and reached for his weapons. Dave had the same thoughts as him. This was war.

Dave was preparing for it, arming himself with his dual katanas before turning towards Karkat.

  
  


. Karkat was ready to just run out there and fight, take each drone as they presented themselves. For one that was a very dumb plan. Instead he went out the room, walking down the corridor with Dave until he reached a stairway that led up to the battlements. He cursed as the airships came into view. Three airships hovered above and he could see where a part of the orphanage had collapsed from the initial attacks. The airships had taken down their shields like they were made of paper, destroying the orphanage with ease. The castle could always be rebuilt but their freedom? He would fight for it.

One of the airships began to draw energy from it’s surroundings, pulling rock and debri from it’s resting place as it charged its weapons. A bright light filled his vision and Karkat had to cover his eyes and look away as he heard it fire. When he opened them again and looked, the left side of the orphanage had collapsed. The bedrooms and one of the armories had just collapsed. He didn’t hear screaming, if anyone was inside they would have been disintegrated in seconds. Karkat cursed, hoping the kids were safe and out of harm's way.

He had to believe in them; they were his little soldiers. They knew how to fight, how to take care of themselves, everything they might need once they left. It was their choice to fight or not. This was his battle; it always had been. Even if he was at a disadvantage currently. Some of it’s strongest protectors weren’t there,along with some of the highest caste wrigglers. Karkat wasn’t one to believe in things like the correlation between the spectrum and strength. There was no denying it though; it was easier for them to hold a bloodrage and, in this situation, it would have been a great help. No time to contemplate what-if’s though. He had to get a hold on the situation and keep it under control. He turned towards Dave. Dave… He looked at him.

"You're going to fight?" Dave rolled his eyes and looked at him, like he couldn’t even believe that was a question. Karkat continued. "You don't have to but frankly, I want you at my side." He took a breath and grabbed Dave's arm just before they went out, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "I need you," Karkat told him shortly. "Live."

Karkat took a step away only to be pulled back into the kiss. Dave clutched the corners of his sweater and kissed him like it was the final kiss they would ever share. Dave nodded before leaning in and giving him a final kiss. Karkat relished it, saddened when their lips finally parted.. He wished he could linger more, kiss him again. This wasn’t the right time though, they had to get ready for war.

“I’ll be so fast you won’t even miss me.” Dave winked and squeezed Karkat’s hands before letting go and rushing away. Dave would be in the heat of battle before him and Karkat knew he had to be swift before his flush was overwhelmed by the sheer number of drones. He wanted to have just a moment more with Dave, hold him close and pretend their world wasn’t crumbling around them.

No. Karkat had to keep a solid stance that they would win this. He couldn’t waver, not even for a second. He took a deep breath, wiping some sweat off his brow. He checked the handles of his blades, confirming they were secure before he was off, running towards the highest tower. He could take in the full situation from there. The security room was within and he had to know just what he was up against. He knew they were outnumbered. Those airships were not just there as decoration. They were filled to the brim with the army’s best.

Numbers didn’t always win, however. Karkat had proven that time and time again. But this was the army; he had to keep his aim focused. The security room was only a few corridors down and, if anything, he could get the shields up and running again long enough to buy some time. Another blow shook the flooring beneath his feet and he heard a scream coming from his left. His eyes went wide as he rushed in the direction of the noise, finding a wriggler trapped under a fallen log with another trying to pull her out. Half of the roof had collapsed and it was dangerous.

Karkat swore under his breath as he rushed to the wriggler’s side, trying to pull the log up and free the girl. It was no use. The log weighed more than he could handle even with the other kid’s help. Another explosion and the rest of the roof came caving down. The adult had managed to pull the kid into his arms, doing his best to keep the kid from lunging towards the pile of debris. He didn’t want to say it but they both knew that the wriggler that had been trapped had no chance, he couldn’t even hear the girls sobbing anymore. He stood back from the boy, hand’s on the shoulders of the sobbing wriggler.

“Get as many of the little ones out of their rooms and down to the maze as you can. You should go, make your way down. We’ll buy you some time. Those who want to stay and fight- let them if they’re old enough. I will not be the reason you kids die; you have no obligation to stay.  This isn’t your war.” Karkat said firmly, already standing up. The kid nodded, looking back at the pile of debri that was his friend's grave and an off, holding back tears. Karkat just hoped he made it. The kid was going to get to the underground maze where it was safe. Each kid had the place memorized and the drones would never find them. The maze was so vast and complex that it was was virtually impossible to navigate unless you knew your way around and had food stores to last a week if the kids were careful and had to hide within it’s walls for a time.

Karkat took a deep breath, looking back at the pile and patting a rock on it. He couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye to the wriggler in words but his actions spoke well enough.Dwelling on the perished wriggler would sway him from his goal.. He had to get to the security room.Running through the corridors, he set his eyes on the door to the security room. He needed to get a grasp of the current situation, see how severe the attack was. A weapon went off with a loud boom, shaking the ground as Karkat looked out a window towards the sound.He grit his jaw and picked up the pace.

He entered security commands and  the shield flickered on for a moment, only to fail. The generators had taken too much damage. He cursed under his breath, wishing that he had more time. He didn’t and, without waiting, Karkat was moving. This was not the first time the orphanage had come under siege but it was the first time a ship hovered over their walls. He stared at the camera for a moment with nothing but fear in his eyes.

Then, the Karkat who cried over his dead wrigglers and fell in love with wonderful trolls and kissed his little ones until they squealed went away. He was dead serious, eyes red iron as he glared at the screen of his iTroll. When he turned to Dave, he knew immediately what was going to happen. Dave wouldn’t want the cowards way out, he wouldn’t want to run and hide with the rest of the occupants. He had to make sure the other’s were safe first.

Why now of all times? He had just finished repairing the roof and now it was being destroyed by cannon fire. The floor shook and Karkat had to brace himself to keep from falling over from the impact. The smell of smoke filled the room and Karkat knew he had to get going. He gripped the table in anger, sliding his hands down the wooden base, leaving claw marks. He couldn’t stall any longer. He had to get out there and fight to defend his home. Just like he expected, Dave was in the mess hall, two blades resting on his hip as he mobilized the wrigglers who knew what defending the orphanage meant. Before, Karkat felt it was his lone duty to protect the home.  In time, he realized he wasn’t the only one who had that feeling.

A few of the older wrigglers waited for him, looking at him with courage in their eyes. He couldn’t even get mad at them. They hadn’t run like he had told him. No, they chose to stay and fight. Karkat felt like he was about to choke up. These kids, these wrigglers… They were standing by him, no matter what that meant.Not that he had a choice. There was no way to get them to the maze now, even if he couldn't bear to let them fight.

“You ready for this?” He looked towards the wrigglers. No, they weren’t wrigglers. They were warriors bound to defend the only home they knew. He swallowed, watching hands fly up. He kept trying to tell himself these were kids, too young to know what they were doing. But with the looks of determination he got, he remained silent. He swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut as he thought. He could not let himself see them as his little ones, individuals he loved and cared for beyond all else. Family he would have done anything to protect.

Karkat approached the more impetuous kids, the younger and more vulnerable. He put them in charge of keeping the others armed and fashioned each with a dagger.They had time to prepare to fight, Karkat helping the little ones who stayed into a routine of keeping the others armed and fashioning each with a dagger or knife, whatever was available.

If only he had more time to prepare, or even knew that the attack was happening. It would have been so much easier to convince them to run with the others and arm the older kids better. Right now, they were vastly out-numbered and way under prepared. Karkat just had to hope the drones outside would give up after a long fight. He was willing to fight until he was the last troll standing if it came to it in the past but now? He had a family to take care of; he would surrender if he had to. God, he didn’t want to. Taking a deep breath, he shook the negative thoughts away.

No. He wouldn’t lose this fight, it was too important. He had single handedly taken down highbloods three times his size in the past. An army was nothing. At least that was the mantra he was going to repeat to himself for the time being.

Dave sent him a worried look for a moment. Karkat’s brows knit together as he strode forward towards the front gate. They had mere minutes to brace themselves for the ensuing fight. No matter how strong their walls were, against an army, they might as well be cardboard, paper even. Karkat couldn’t let the other’s know just how vulnerable they were, just how ill prepared. He was going to play this off as just another heat attack. Only with bigger and stronger challengers. Karkat heard a boom and felt the earth shake beneath him. So much for downplaying the siege.Gravel and stone fell from the wall.

 _They fucking shot it,_ Karkat’s eyes going wide as he saw the cannon go off this time, heard the boom. It hit the wall, causing stone to fly everywhere. The feeble shield that he restarted must have gone completely offline, the castle no no longer protected by the old technology salvaged from spacecraft of the former empire failing.They were just as permeable as if they lived in the medieval ages.

Karkat growled, his face hardening. He couldn’t be seen scared, not when the wrigglers looked at him for moral support. He had to keep fighting until he couldn’t anymore. He would have to keep going until everyone was safe. Until Dave, Terezi and all the other wrigglers were safe. He would make sure of it. The fight wouldn’t be easy but he had every bit of confidence they could win. They knew these walls inside and out, firing arrows from hidden passages and walls until the drones were no more. It would be harder; these trolls were military trained and weren't defenseless against a heat. Their actions wouldn’t be hindered by something as weak as redblood scent. Besides, Karkat was certain they came prepared for such a thing. The drones would be vicious and crafty, focusing on killing whatever stood in their way. Direct combat was a last resort. The Orphanage was riddled with tricks and traps ready to rip apart their enemies, or at least obstruct and disorient them enough to make them easy prey.

The first line of defense were the walls and the wrigglers knew to fire down on anyone who got within range, lower the drones numbers. Each wriggler in the orphanage knew some sort of combat skill, if not many and archery was a specialty he had taught ever since he had figured it out for himself. Two dozen arrow slits snapped open in the walls. The wrigglers fired their weapons and they rained down on the drones stupid enough to come charging in the front, the thin wooden arrows breaking between plates of carapace armor and into grey skin. Karkat watched with satisfaction as all ten trolls were slaughtered before they could draw weapons on his wrigglers. In short order, he discovered that the airship hadn't brought bombs but a pulse that fried the generators behind their shields. Soldiers dropped out of the ship once the shields melted away, coming grimly and armed. Karkat barked orders and his troops shot down as many as they could manage while Karkat rushed alongside Dave down from the wall to join the ground troops.

Then, they would fall back into the halls of the Orphanage and pick them off easily, as long as the numbers stayed small. Karkat looked skyward and cursed. They were employing fighter pilots on him. He didn’t have to give the order; his wrigglers knew what to do as a barrage of arrows were shot up into the sky. He couldn’t help but grin as one of the arrows broke the thick glass of the plane and hit the pilot, sending the plane flying in no specific direction and hitting another. Two birds with one stone, he would have to compliment the archer who did that later.

It would only become an all-out brawl if enough trolls tried rushing them all at once. The defenders would then need to hold the courtyard behind the gate, to keep them from getting pinned down and unable to fight back. It was a strange thing to see. Near ancient technology being used against the modern. The best part of all, Karkat’s side was winning. Outmatched and outnumbered, yet they were winning. Karkat was grinning ear to ear, running past the wall as he attacked a drone head on. Dave was at his side, moving from one drone to another, striking them down. Nothing could stop them. Whenever he could, Karkat had mercy on the challengers who came to the doors. There would be no mercy for the military. He knew there would be none for him at their hands. He didn’t hold back.

He'd been sieged before. Each time he made sure to send a clear message.

 _Not a damn_ **_one_ ** _came back alive._

Karkat shouldn’t have looked for Dave. He knew better than that. Dave was as formidable a fighter as him. Dave had his game face on when Karkat found him, eyes glowing bright orange as he swung his sword to fend off another drone. It was like he was invincible and Karkat couldn’t help the growing grin on his face. They were going to win, that had to be it. Karkat was confident about this and didn’t notice the drone behind him swinging an ulak that cut straight across his arm, leaving a giant gash.. He was stunned for a moment before using his good arm to swing at the tealblood, missing as the attacks were expertly dodged. He growled, glare burning hot as he rushed into a one on one with the drone, swinging, dodging hits and contorting his body in ways that were sure to leave him sore the following day. He would cuddle Dave and laugh about how they were scared of some drones. This is what they had to offer as an army? It was laughable how weak they were. He felt sorry for the general in charge of such a pathetic slew of trolls.

He was too cocky. He didn’t realize he had been backed up into a corner until he felt a familiar warmth against his back. He glanced back momentarily, the white locks of his matesprit coming into view. The military trolls weren't very keen on talking --they ordered Karkat to surrender or risk annihilation. For a moment, Karkat genuinely considered it. Dave could take care of the kids and... in time, when Dave went into heat again, they'd be back. And the Orphanage would be short their greatest defender.

He smelled blood rage in those who could muster it and his own flared up. There was no speech needed. They knew their orders. Every last troll roared up at the invaders and rushed them as soon as they were within leaping distance. Piles of bodies spilled down-some not in uniform that Karkat couldn't afford to look at. Blood slicked the grounds of his home until his footing was utterly screwed. He fought even harder. The remaining drones circled Karkat, coming at him hard, mercilessly. Either their blades were drugged, or they didn't care if he died. Karkat snarled and charged them time after time. All his training with Dave was paying off. Dave's campaigns of attrition had taught Karkat to weave and dodge, to not take the hits. He didn't.

The drone’s parted for someone and Karkat’s eyes widened.

_Wait...Was that?_

A wriggler he had thought dead stood in front of him holding a crossbow, his finger on the trigger. Equius, one of the wrigglers he thought lost to the sun stood in front of him. He would have been proud, happy even that he hadn’t lost a life. Yet Equius’s demeanor overshadowed the slight trickle of joy he had felt. Equius wore the uniform of the imperial army, his eyes hardened on Karkat. The clothes, the unmistakable pride and cold look he got. Plus it was always disconcerting to see someone he saw as a child all grown up wearing short shorts. Karkat lost his composure, letting another drone get too close and stab him in the back. He gasped, falling to his knees, staring at the purple grass in front of him. He made a resolution then. To keep on fighting, not back down.

“I don’t know why you’re fighting for the empire but I’ll be sure to set it right!.” Karkat felt the rage almost drain out of him but he was able to pull back into it, knowing he couldn’t show any weakness. Even outnumbered like this and being faced with a phantom. His fingers hurt from how hard he was gripping his blades, trying to stay in control of the situation.

Just because Equius was someone he had raised from the time he was a grub didn’t mean he would suddenly hold up a white flag in defeat. If the empire thought him so weak as to falter from something so methodically simple they were dead wrong. He couldn’t let himself be thrown off, he refused. His claws bit into his palms, the pain subtle but it kept him in control. He would not fall for this game the empire was playing.

 _What the ever loving fuck?_ Karkat squeezed his eyes shut for a second, growling when he opened them again and the shadow of his past wasn’t gone. It wasn’t a hallucination, John was still there.  

 _Oh_ **_fuck_** _me._

It hurt seeing John there, but he refused to allow that to influence his fighting resolve. Quick flashes of childhood memories flashed in his mind as he stared at the blue eyes before him. This wasn’t the John of his childhood he had to remind himself, this John was a tool of the empire. Pretending John was dead was easier and as he thought about it, all the changes to the other drew his eyes.

The horns were all wrong, one looked like it had been broken and healed wrong, not symmetrical like John’s horns had been. He had to tell himself that the throw to the wall Crabdad had executed had killed John. In a way, it had. The gentle John he knew was gone and instead this cold and hardened troll stood in his place. Karkat had to swallow, his throat tense from his shallow breathing. A moment of weakness, one he had to push past. This wasn’t the John of his childhood and he wasn’t going to make this a reason to give up. John spoke again.

“Give up Karkat, you’re outnumbered and outgunned. Give up now and I’ll make sure no one else is hurt. Although, they’re not yours are they? You kidnapped them and made your little misguided army,” He gestured at Dave who was off fighting some yellowblood.

“You deluded another redblood to join your little charade of freedom. I have my orders to take down this eyesore of a sanctuary you seem to have created for misguided trolls like you. Karkat, I don’t want to hurt anyone else. Surrender before more blood is shed. More specifically, your blood.” Equius pointed his crossbow at Karkat, the troll thinking a moment.

 _No, give up now when they were_ **_winning_ ** _?_ He wasn’t going to do that. Karkat couldn’t believe what Equius was saying.

 _No, the imposter_. He growled at his certainty that this was an imposter, turning his gaze away from Equius who seemed more to be fighting with himself then the other trolls. Karkat was fine with that, he would save that troll for the last he killed. How dare the empire try and exploit his weakness like that, he felt angrier than ever. His compassion towards wrigglers, his leniency towards those he had harbored in his stone walls. So Karkat told him, in emphatic detail, exactly where and how hard he could shove his imperial orders. He tried to be nice with how he worded it as well.

Equius didn’t seem affected by it, simply aiming his crossbow and shooting it. Karkat blocked it with the axe he happened to be holding, the metal arrow bouncing off him.

“Oh god, my eye!” He heard a female voice somewhere in the crowd, probably hit with said deflected arrow. It was hard not to snort but it didn’t distract him for long, his focus returning to Equius whom was reloading the crossbow. Karkat growled, turning back to Equius. Even if he wanted to hold back, show the wriggler he had cared for some mercy, he knew he couldn’t. Not when he was fighting not only for himself but for his home. He would not lose.

.

***

 

Dave blocked another blow to his body from the yellowblooded drone he was fighting. These soldiers were much tougher than the highbloods he had fought before. Even someone as low ranked as this mustardblooded bastard was fighting like at least an olive, stronger and quicker than he could have imagined. Dave was hardly able to dodge and he had no idea when his stamina would run out. He glanced around, looking around for an opening and saw it.

There was an opening between where the drones were trying to cut him off from Karkat and corner them against a wall of the orphanage. He wouldn’t allow it. He would get to Karkat and slice down any troll dumb enough to get in his way. His eyes burned with the rage he felt, running away from the yellowblood, sword held out in front of him. The back of a troll, a perfect trampoline. He impaled the sword through the troll's body, purple blood splattering on him as he jumped on his back, using him as a lift to get to Karkat. Dave drew out the sword he held, ready to jump at the blueblood aiming at Karkat only to be knocked off to the side by a blow in the side of his ribcage.

His rage was knocked out of him as fast as his breath, the redblood collapsing on the ground, holding his side as he looked up at the troll that had hit him. A high ranked officer it looked like if the fancy armor plating his body said anything. The weapon of choice, a large hammer rested on his shoulders. Dave growled, wiping the blood from his mouth as he used his sword as an anchor to stand, ignoring the pain shooting through his body. He would fight this troll, win, then get to Karkat. The officer glanced up and down Dave, scoffed at him like the sword wielding troll was no threat and walked off, not even trying to fight him.

It baffled Dave and he wanted to chase after him. How dare he be knocked down like that then treated like nothing. Dave had no choice but to watch the troll turn a corner and enter the orphanage. No time to process what was going on, however. He felt a hand tugging on the back of his shirt and was ready to stab only to be met with the face of his beloved. He couldn’t help the smile that spread on his face.

***

 

“You ready for this?” Dave’s voice echoed in Karkat’s ears and he gave a gruff sound of approval. It didn’t even need to be said. They had been in this position before, their backs against the other and the odds against them. But they would win, they had to. Karkat had so much more to protect now. In the past it was just him and the wrigglers. He had a family now, that took precedent over anything else. He burned with a fury he never felt before. This battle had to prove to the empire once and for all that he would not bend over for any one. He growled, eyes burning a bright orange as he jumped into the throws of battle once more, arms and fingers sore from how hard he was moving.

Karkat's entire body was screaming at him, pushed to its utmost limits, sweat filling his eyes until he could barely see, lungs on fire, arms shaking. He knew Dave was with him. It was easy to fall into step together when they came in range --and some of the other wrigglers were too. But the military just kept jumping from the airship, without end. There was no more protective fire from the walls -- his wrigglers were captured or dead.

Karkat screamed himself hoarse, hacking his way through body after body. All of his blades were broken or snatched away, so he'd scavenged from the dead and was fighting with a scythe one minute, a rifle the next.The military kept swarming them. He saw Dave bleeding badly and swore bitterly, kicking his opponent away to tear a stretch of cloth and bind it over the wound. It made no difference. Karkat ordered them to fall back to the hallways, taking the drones down one by one.

They were surrounded, they couldn't keep going like this. He and Dave tore their way through the soldiers, clearing paths for the wrigglers to follow. It was like the first wave of them didn’t even matter, they just kept coming. That first part of the attack had to be a diversion, make them use their every asset in the first wave before the true attack happened. John was a right bastard for that plan. Brilliant but a bastard.

“Fall back! ” Like the siren, Karkat's wrigglers knew what it meant. If they couldn't go on and they thought it would save them, they were under orders to surrender. He wouldn't let them be slaughtered for him. It meant there wasn’t much chance of winning. They got inside but another crush of drones came at them from behind. They must have landed on the roof and torn their way through, drove the defenders into the training yards, bunched them together in the open and started cutting them off from each other. Karkat refused to let Dave away from him. For all the ways he had failed him, for how much he loved him, for his wrigglers that needed him. Not today, not ever.

Even if everything crumbled, **_KARKAT GOT TO SAVE DAVE THIS ONCE. THEY WOULD NOT HAVE HIM._ **

There could be no surrender for either of them. They were the last ones standing. Karkat didn't have the breath to roar his defiance anymore. The air was filled with smoke and fire, burning his eyes as he tried to keep his head on straight. He saw the eyes of his wrigglers, the ones being bound in chains by drones, saw their tears. Heard his children screaming for them both, unsure if he was imagining Kankri and Terezi or if it was going to his head. Fighting was getting hard.

Karkat and Dave were back to back, the lone ones still fighting, before one of the highbloods aimed a gun at them and shot. He heard the gunshot and felt Dave sag against him, gasping in pain. Karkat watched as Dave fell to his knees and threw his weapons to the ground, grabbing Dave’s arms to keep him sitting upright before dragging him into his lap. Karkat noticed the large wound Dave had on his stomach, the worst of fears flooding his vision. Dave had been shot in the stomach and was bleeding out.

 _No. No, no, no._ Karkat grabbed his matesprit and held on tight, cutting his way through the enemy and his own ragged tears. He had to get Dave to safety, it was all he could think of. He didn’t even think to stop that he was making himself vulnerable this way, his defences lowered as he pushed his way past the fighting. He would not let Dave bleed out, not now, not ever.

Not fast enough. He knew he'd been shot, felt the drug in his body but he couldn't fall. He was going to kill the gunner but stopped. It was a familiar face, one he hadn’t seen in sweeps. Equius standing next to John. His hesitance caught him, Equius shooting him again with another dart with an ice cold look of a soldier. He wanted to get past his feelings, not show weakness. Not when Dave needed him. He dropped to his knees, still fighting, guarding his beloved. Someone got behind him. He turned to try and there was John again, approaching him with the cold fluidity of a highblooded general. Karkat wanted to hurt him but the poison in his blood was making him weak, fall to his knees as he held onto Dave, keeping him against his chest.

“Get the redblood to some medicullers! Who the fuck fired that gun?!” John’s words didn’t reach Karkat. He was trying to hold onto Dave as a few trolls tried to restrain him and get him off his matesprit. He fought with everything he had, doing all he could. Someone stabbed him with a needle, a sedative; it had to be with how his vision was suddenly blurry and everything was spinning. He tried regardless and was doing everything to hold onto Dave. Someone finally overwhelmed him, Karkat’s claws slipping off of Dave as he was pulled away.

Karkat's scream, pure anguish, echoed through the yards as they pulled Dave into the crowd of soldiers, Karkat nearly losing sight of him. He picked up a weapon, arms shaking as he tried to follow but it was arduous. The tears didn’t help. Still, he forced himself to push through the crowd, get to Dave. He thought he might have clawed into someone's eyes, and then the muzzle of a gun slammed into his chest. He found Dave and gripped onto his sweater, ready to pull him back towards himself. One of the drones growled, turning their tranquilizer gun at him. They shot him, point blank. Twice. With a shaking hand he pulled the darts out, tossing them to the ground as he forced his feet forward, reaching out to his matesprit.  
“Dave…” Karkat fell, trying to stand up. He reached for Dave, grabbing something, unsure if it was his love or not. His vision blurred and he was gone before he knew if he had held on or not.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave isn’t dead, just bleeding a lot. As for Karkat, well. He didn’t expect to see two familiar faces in one day. Poor Kanny and ‘Rezi though. I have evil plans for them. -cackles- Sorry for such a long wait, a lot has been going on. My BF proposed to me! So my past few weeks have been so full of family and friends congratulating me that it’s been exhausting. Plus the entire planning thing of it is very very hard since we know when approximately but no idea where since that involves a lot of money and things. My health is slowly getting better too so yay! Though, have hit a bit of a slump with writing because I’m just so overwhelmed with real life currently. It might be a little bit before 30 since rough draft of it is utter garbage and I feel I need to rewrite the entire thing. We’ll see. Thanks for being so patient with me! It means a lot. 
> 
> Also, if you want to see the progress shots of John:  here you go  
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	30. After the Crumble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John had been waiting for this moment for so long, so eagerly. So why was he procrastinating and wandering the halls of his childhood flush’s castle? Especially when he has two redbloods to contend with. Scratch that, three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Slight nudity, yelling, light violence, John being… John. Also, I suggest reading this chapter in private where people don't see due to two of the images.

Like falling off a cliff. The defeat of the castle was swift and brutal after they took Karkat and Dave into custody. The two redbloods were separated, the younger of the two in a makeshift mediculler ward inside the orphanage. John was the one to give the order to keep fighting, to take down the remainder of the children who fought a hapless battle. The Condesce had a strict rule to not kill needlessly and John adhered to that rule. The kids were captured and tied up as they were forced out of the castle. Some went kicking and screaming and others in hysterics and crying. The castle occupants had been moved to the main hall where drones and other personnel were waiting to test their blood and send them off to the right place for care. These were kids. They still had growing to do. Jadebloods, of all things, were taking care of them. He supposed it made sense. After all, there were no mothergrubs anymore.

There was no redblood screaming orders; they had taken quite a bit of tranquilizer. Karkat was subdued and it was all falling into place.

John was still pissed about the redblood being wounded. It wasn’t supposed to be like this; this was a mission where they were to detain, not kill. He didn’t want anyone to die; that just wasn’t lawful. Even if he had twisted the system to his whims and to further his own ambitions, John obeyed the Condesce's law. Murder wasn’t allowed anymore. Death was no longer a solution to one’s problems. Every life mattered in this situation, even traitors and misguided children. John intended to act on that value.

The redblood had lost a lot of blood, a lethal amount even. They had no choice but to do a blood transfusion. With no alternative, Karkat was the only one who could give it to the white haired troll. John had to be the one to approve that solution and it pained him. Karkat had given Dave everything he wanted and it angered him. If he could, Dave would have been left on the battlefield and counted as just another casualty. John had lost many good soldiers in that fight, why should his side be the only one with loses?

He told himself to calm down, to stop dragging his claws on the brick wall as he walked through the main hall where they set up base was nice. He could finally breathe and lower his guard. Appearing as the intimidating General John Egbert was exhausting and he just wanted to lay down after the long night this attack had turned into. He didn’t expect it to last so long but Karkat put up a good fight. The other knew what he was doing and John was impressed by his childhood flushcrush. He was a good fighter. Still not good enough.

John smirked at himself, imagining how good it would feel to hold Karkat again after so many sweeps. He stepped over a large concrete wall that had fallen, ignoring the bit of olive pooling out from under the bricks as best he could before making his way deeper into the fortress. There were empty bunk beds tipped over, what looked like a shower room and even a few rooms that contained computers. It was almost like Karkat wanted the kids to grow up normally. Funny considering what this place was.

He kept walking, taking off his visor and wiping at the sweat on his brow. It was getting on the glass, making his vision blurry.

 _How irritating_. He sat down on an overturned rock and wiped at it with his cape. No luck. There was blood and dirt coating the surface even after scrubbing it for a good five minutes. Grumbling, he reached into a pocket on his shorts, pulling out a folded pair of glasses and setting them on his nose.

“Stupid eyesight. We have spaceflight but no better solution to vision problems than sticking a pair of glass plates on your nose.” Despite his complaint, he was glad to be able to see again. He ran a hand through his hair, brushing sweaty bangs out of his face. The cerulean stood and resumed his walk, blue eyes trailing over the ancient brickwork. This place had been standing for almost two hundred sweeps; much longer than both him and Karkat. It was a reminder of how Alternians lived before their empire crumbled. Then there were the additions. Renovated, rebuilt, the roofing changed. Like a sand castle falling apart to the tides, this place was only temporary.

John stopped at a door, the only one that was shut. All the others had been open, cracked wide to display empty bedrooms. Curiousity got to him. The troll placed a gloved hand on the handle and pulled. It was locked. He jingled the handle harder as if the thing was sentient and could sense his frustration and give way. No such luck. There was only one option. He hit it with his bulky steel warhammer, sending the door flying into the room, the remains splintering on its frame. That would teach the door to defy General John Egbert. He stood over it triumphantly before he returned the hammer to his waist, hand never leaving the handle.

The room was different than the others, not containing row after row of sleeping surfaces. If anything, this looked like one of those rooms from some kind of old movie where trolls lived with their matesprits. He wondered if this was Karkat’s bedroom, his and the other redblood’s. Karkat had held onto the other so tightly it was almost like…

John frowned, a sudden pang filling his heart. He wasn’t supposed to feel heartbroken like that, he was a highblood for fuck’s sake! He was clever and strong and no attachment to his childhood friend would change that. He couldn’t be weak, not even as he felt a lump in his throat. Karkat replaced him. John had to pull his glasses off to wipe at the corners of his eyes. He would not cry, dammit! This was a victory, he should be celebrating. The renegade’s citadel had been conquered and he should have been proud of that. The Condesce would be proud of him.

John took a deep breath, trying to calm his emotions. He could not be weak, he would not be weak. Not even to his moirail but they both knew that relationship was just for show. He sat down on the bed, testing its limits by bouncing a bit before allowing himself to fall back. The scent of redblood surrounded him and he inhaled, eyes shut as he remembered just how sweet Karkat used to smell. How innocent they both were back then. It was quiet in this room, calm, something he hadn’t experienced in a long time. It was all stress and frustration and anger. He felt like he could just let it all go. He was alone now, he could put down his guard and relax, if just for a little.

The sound of something falling had him bolting off the bed, hand on the handle of his hammer. It had come from inside the bathroom and John cautiously approached the door, expecting some kind of ambush. Pausing for a moment, John tapped the sharp claws of his glove on the handle, pondering over if whoever or whatever was inside the small space has any malicious intent or if it was just a kid taking refuge in Karkat’s bathroom. He heard a sob, eyes going wide as he lowered his hammer. There was no threat here. Slowly, he opened the door and stepped inside to find it empty,at least until he noticed the shadow on the shower curtains. He approached and pulled back the fabric.

Sitting inside the tub was a wriggler no older than three sweeps old clutching a teal cocoon. They stared each other off for a moment, the wriggler looking like he was about to burst into tears, earfins drooping and tiny fingers digging into the outer shell. John sighed, his expression softening as he held a hand out to the little seadweller.

“Hey there. Look, I know you’re scared but there’s nothing to be scared of. I’m the good guy here, let me help you out.” He leaned forward more, trying to get the kid to grab his hand. The kid shook his head, holding the cocoon more.

“No! You’re a big scary meaniepants and you should go away!” The kid scooted further back against the tub, away from John. John grumbled, rolling his eyes. Why were wrigglers such a pain in the ass? He was never a pain in the ass and there was no evidence to prove otherwise. John gave an awkward smile, trying to urge the kid to take his hand. He reached forward fast, grabbing the kid’s arm and pulling. The kid screamed, kicking at John and trying to pull away. An angry growl erupted from John, who reached with his other arm to pick up the kid only to have his hand bitten. The thick leather of his glove protected his grey skin from the wriggler’s sharp fangs.

“Listen kid, you calm your tiny ass down or so help me, I will throw you over the castle edge!” He wouldn’t actually do it but the kid didn’t need to know that. Regardless, the kid didn’t listen, instead just continuing to throw the tantrum and kick at John. A kick hit him in the face, sending his glasses flying and falling into the tub. This was getting exasperating so John grabbed the kid under the armpits, raising him up and letting the kid dangle at arm’s length while the child tried to break free.

Eventually the kid gave up, panting angrily as he gave a cold glare in John’s direction. His face was flushed and tears were forming at the edge of his eyes. Red tears.

John was surprised, nearly dropping the kid on top of the cocoon but stopped himself, setting the kid down on top of the closed toilet to examine him. There was no denying it, this was a redblooded seadweller. Unless the earfins were some kind of freaky mutation, this was a redblood wriggler in his clutches. He hadn’t even heard of a redblooded wriggler going missing so, least of all one with seadweller attributes.…

John grew irritated. He took the child’s arm, avoided a scared punch to his head and grabbed the child’s hand with his own. He forced the fist open, exposing his palm before piercing it with his claw. The bright red of a mutant oozed up, marking this kid as a breeder, the future generation of their kind. A seadweller and breeder alike. That was a new one. John couldn’t find a single bone in his body that could recharge his rage, this was just too weird even for him. He needed to think.

“Hey kid, where you from?” John was being pretty blunt about it, he had to know. It was his fucking job to know. The kid wiped some snot oozing out of his nose with his arm, not meeting John’s gaze, nor answering him. That was fine, it gave time for John to put his glasses back on. He gently placed them on his nose and pulled them off, sighing as he stood and turned the sink on, giving them a quick rinse before toweling them off. The kid was looking at him and John was quick to sit back down in front of the kid and pick the cocoon up, setting it down between his crossed legs. The kid spoke up.

“What do you mean? I’m from here.” The kid adjusted himself so that he was sitting on the toilet lid, calming down a bit now that John was actually speaking in a calm voice rather than being demanding. John shook his head, exhausted from the kid’s inability to actually be helpful to the situation. Then again, eggs did go missing time to time, so the kid could genuinely have been hatched here. John thought a moment and cleared his throat.

“What’s your name?” Rephrasing would hopefully work. He didn’t want to bend to the child’s level and he was reminded why he avoided children. Annoying brats and completely unabiding to caste norms.

“Kankri.” John narrowed his eyes, his memory stirring at the mention of the name. A familiar one, one that was taught of in history books, the first redblood. Why would a seadweller be named after a redblood? That was downright disgraceful and John had nothing he could say. Naming a bastard child after the first redblood was disgusting. Not to mention the kid looked like a seadweller despite the red swill that flowed in his veins..

“You’re supposed to say your name back.” The child’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts, John blinking a moment to look up at the kid. He was thinking hard, trying to decide how to react. Blue eyes met grey and it was then that it clicked. This child looked suspiciously similar to Karkat. John thought a moment, sighing.

“Egbert.”

“Your name is egg?” Kankri questioned, looking with wide eyes as John snorted, shaking his head.

“No, Egbert is my surname, John is what those close call me.”

“Then why didn’t you just say John? Egbert sounds like some kind of dumb name. Egg-dork.” John had a hard time not laughing, covering his mouth with his hand. That name was a familiar one. The one Karkat often called him in passing annoyance. The seadweller raised a brow at John’s amused expression and it took seconds for John to regain his calm demeanor.

“Kankri what?”

“Vantas. Kankri Vantas”. It clicked in an instant. Vantas, Karkat’s surname. John felt something snap inside, feeling his body teeter on the edge of a rage. He would control himself, it had to be dumb luck, no way. Karkat wouldn’t--- Would he?

“Hey kid...erm, Kankri. Is Karkat one of your parents?” John had a nagging feeling in his gut. If this kid was Karkat’s, someone got to him before John. Karkat had laid someone else’s eggs and this kid was the result. This kid was no bastard with no lusus, this was a troll growing up with his biological parents. Something trolls hadn’t done since they first emerged from caverns. It made him feel sick.

“Yeah? He’s my clutchfather.” Father. That meant the other redblood was his broodmother. Two redbloods. No doubt the grub in the cocoon was theirs as well, why else would the kid be holding it? The bond between broodsiblings was strong, even if one was older. John thought he would be sick, his breathing ragged. Someone had taken what was his. Karkat was meant to be his alone, he had always believed that. But someone got to Karkat before him, had the intimacy he so craved. John was outright pissed.

“John? Your eyes are glowy.”

John looked back up, growling at the kid, wanting him to shut the fuck up. He couldn’t control his rage and his eyes felt like they were boring a hole in the kids direction. He was mad. How dare this exist. Karkat was supposed to be his and only his. John was holding back; if he was in a full rage, this kid would be dead by now, not just terrified. The kid glanced up and down the angry blueblood and broke down in tears. John wanted to slap him, throw him against the wall and erase the last trace that Karkat had betrayed him. The kid was terrified and breaking down in tears. John’s anger quickly faltered, Kankri looked too much like Karkat.

In any case, he had to take these kids to the medicullers and let them sort out where to send the mutant freak. As for the teal cocoon… John eyed it, reluctant to pick it up. He did, careful not to pierce the delicate silk with his claws. Was that why it was covered in fabric? To protect it? He bundled it back up before turning towards the child.

The kid was still glaring at him, hands curled up into fists and clenching onto the suncloak covering him. John sighed, resting the cocoon on his hip before he grabbed Kankri and hoisted over his shoulder. John carried him kicking and screaming towards the makeshift camp. John didn’t have much patience for brats, let alone one that looked like his childhood freind. It took every ounce of self control to not throw the kid to the ground. Instead, he set him gently on the ground in front of one the medicullers. She was tending to a wounded yellowblooded child, stitching up a wound on her arm- one no doubt caused by his drones. The mediculler was distracted and John cleared his throat. The mediculler didn’t even look up from her task, just gave a short grunt of recognition. John frowned at the woman’s obvious refusal to acknowledge him. Still, she was on his side and John had to tolerate her for more than one reason. He cleared his throat, trying to get her attention.

“Ahem!”

“Can’t you see I’m busy cleaning up your mess?” The troll didn’t even look from the wriggler, letting John absorb the situation. The yellowblood had what looked like a bullet wound in his arm. John couldn’t help when his eyes fell on a medical tray with balled up used gauze and the chunk of metal sitting nearby. It smelled of alcohol, the sterile scent of medicine filling the room that no doubt at one point was littered with children. It served a different purpose now, as did the rest of this crumbling castle.

John wasn’t blind, he could see the female mediculler was busy. Still, he thought bringing the wriggler and cocoon to this troll was important. He cleared his throat again, eyes focused on the Cerulean nurse in front of him. She had a pair of medical scissors in her hand but he had armor, no poor excuse for a weapon was going to harm him. He stepped forward, opening his mouth to speak and as if she knew what he was going to say, threw the scissors right at him. They bounced off his horn, the general wincing and rubbing the place. She hit him on his fucking horn scar, where his horn had regrown after it had broken.

“Ow. Was that necessary?” The woman picked up another pair of scissors, cutting the medical thread that she had sewn into the wriggler’s badly damaged arm. John stood there, Kankri by his side and the poor kid looked just as scared as John felt. She was still ignoring him, taking care of the pissblood before him. John sighed, clearing his throat again. He let go of Kankri, walking up to the female and putting his hand on her shoulder.

“Vriska…” He received a cold glare as the mediculler shrugged off the gloved appendage. She seemed angry that he would even dare try to distract her from her task: Stitching up the large wound in the kid’s arm. John went to speak again but Vriska beat him to the punch.

“No, shut up. You were careless in this attack. More trolls got hurt than necessary and now I’m stuck cleaning up your mess. This is a castle full of **children**. Do you know what children are? They are not the warriors you are so used to having fight for you.” She paused, rubbing her temple.

“Children, John! Do you know how bad it would be if you killed them all? Fucking using a fusion cannon eight times on this place... This place that is older than either of our parentage!” She cut the last thread of the stitching, standing up and pointing her second pair of medical scissors at John who had no choice but to back off a few steps. He eyed the blades nervously; the first set had hurt just grazing his horn, so he did not want to be stabbed, a likely outcome with the female before him.

She scared him. John laughed nervously, unable to come up with a rebuttal to her words. She was near frothing at this point, looking up and down the fearful general before snarling and hitting John in the chest with the handles of the scissors, the sharpened blades bouncing off the metal chestplate he wore. It was only a moment before his eyes fell to the yellowblooded child. He looked just as terrified as John felt. Vriska wasn’t done yelling at him yet.

“You could have done this in so many different ways without all this bloodshed! _YET!_ You kept pushing! I have several dozen injured wrigglers and a few of your people who need serious medical help! Help I cannot provide with these limited supplies! They need to be taken to a hospital!” She was mad, and John laughed nervously as his eyes remained on the scissors. Vriska was pointing them at him and he had zero doubt if he pushed any more buttons the blades would end up embedded in his leg or something.

“That is why you are here. To help contain the damage.” Vriska just glared at him, a throaty growl coming from her. John felt a bead of sweat trickle down his neck. His desire for his helmet rose. Vriska looked like she was ready to take her medical instruments and stab him in the eye. He would look like some kind of pirate. Pirates were cool aesthetically but looking like one outside of a Halloween costume was not on his agenda. Ever.

He moved Kankri in front of him, the wriggler eyeing Vriska with a suspicion John could only appreciate. “Anyways…” Vriska slammed her scissors down and glared at John, the edges of her eyeball tinging orange.  
“WHAT?!” Vriska glared at him angrily and John swallowed, pushing Kankri towards the hook-horned troll that John wanted to distance himself from, even if that included using a three sweep old wriggler as a troll meat shield. He was not going to play the blame game with Vriska, he was above that. Most of those injuries were caused by Karkat and a few overzealous drones who didn’t know how to hold back against kids. He heard a small whimper and his eyes were back on Kankri holding onto the cocoon like it was a very treasured stuffed animal. John pulled it away, setting the bundle up on the table. The kid ended up pulling down the end of his shirt and John felt his breath catch a moment. Karkat always did that when they were watching movies, or when they were close and he saw something of Karkat in this Kankri for a moment. John frowned, biting the inside of his lip with his buckfangs. He couldn’t let himself soften just cause he saw something of his old flush. Instead, he nudged the kid forward.  
“This kid. He needs to be looked at.” Vriska looked over at John and sighed, kneeling down before the wriggler. She took his chin in hand and moved his head around, examining him.

“Looks like a perfectly healthy violetblood. Maybe a bit of a fever but nothing serious unlike all the other damaged wrigglers you caused. Now can you leave? I got my patient, you got what you’re after. This is about as much interaction as I’m willing to have with my half-brother.” John rolled his eyes, Vriska was right.

Kankri didn’t have a scratch on him. Physically, anyways. Emotionally? John was pretty sure the kid would have problems later on. Ones he didn’t need to worry about, probably. John still hadn’t figured out what to do with him. Not to mention the cocoon. John placed it down on the table, tapping his claws on his chin. Vriska had led Kankri back to the examination table, readying her supplies. John glanced back.  
“How close is this thing to hatching?” John ran his hands over the cocoon, not daring to take it from its resting spot. He was thinking, still deciding what to do with Karkat’s offspring.This was a complicated situation and he hated it. This was supposed to be simple: take over the orphanage, return Strider to wherever, make Karkat his. The kids just brought up emotions he would rather forget existed. He looked back at his sister.

Vriska sighed as she eyed the large cocoon, making her way from Kankri over to the silk-laden orb. It was about as big as a purrbeast cub, it would take two arms to carry around without risk.

John’s eyes followed his half-sister as she placed a hand hear the side of the cocoon, her blue orbs shut as she listened to the heartbeat inside with her hand. “I would say the cocoon is ready to hatch a few weeks from now. Although with all the moving about that date might move up. Who knows what the repercussions for that would be.” As if the universe decided to laugh at him, the darkened body inside the semi translucent cocoon shifted and John felt his throat tighten. The kid inside was awake, which could only mean-. The universe had decided to fuck with him, a cruel mistress whose only purpose was to laugh at his frustration. He didn’t have time to think about it, one of the limbs inside punched through the thin paperlike cocoon, a small balled up grey fist protruding out into the air. John looked at Vriska in sheer panic.

“Vriska?!” He looked back at the other cerulean in a panic. Vriska looked at her brother with the same look, dropping what she had been doing with Kankri and rushing to the cocoon with the blanket it had been wrapped in, moving fast and shoving John out of the way. John said nothing of her actions, just moved out of the way as he watched. He should have left, he should have done anything to get out and get back to his job of checking up on the rest of the fortress, yet--. He couldn’t move, just watched as Vriska helped ease the cocoon open.

It was thankless work, helping a freshly pupated troll out of a cocoon, but Vriska did her job emotionlessly, wrapping the small child in the blanket, and wiping the teal slime off her skin. The girl was barely conscious, weak after her pupation. John made his way over, curiosity getting the better of him. Vriska didn’t stop him, just gave him a look that she wouldn’t mind smearing his face full of the slime on his face. Which would be disgusting, so he kept his distance. He knew this child was Karkat’s right away. The horns were about the same size, a bit bigger but same position, same slightly droopy ears.

He couldn’t let Vriska have the wriggler. A strange instinct awoke inside him, an instinct he didn't know he had. Maybe he was just reflecting on the fact these were Karkat’s kids, the troll he wanted the most. But no, he had no time for it currently. Still, he didn’t want them sent off to horrorterrors know where. He looked at his half-sister. “Once this guy is cleaned up, bring him to my chambers. I… I need to think. I don’t care what you do with the redblood…” He heard a yelp, seeing the yellowblood wriggler cradling his bandaged arm. The yellowblood was still here and John wanted to snap his neck for staring. Wanted to, wouldn’t.

“Hey, you’re all stitched up now. You can go join the others now, okay? Us grown-ups need to talk.” The yellowblood nodded without a single word of argument before jumping off the medical chair and running out of the room clutching his arm, wanting to get away from was no doubt an argument about to erupt. Once out of earshot, Vriska turned her gaze towards John. John could feel the hair on the back of his neck stand up in anger, rubbing it with the back of his palm.

“Redblood?” Vriska looked at Kankri again before facing John, the tealblood’s skinny slime covered body in her lap. She was wiping the slime off with the blanket she had been carried in. John growled, frustrated as he looked at the woman. Sometimes he just wished she would shut up and not ask questions.

“The seadweller. Kankri. Karkat’s kid. I don’t know why but that kid is a seadweller _and_ a nookwhore. You can check yourself, stab him for all I care. Just get get him out of my sight for good.”

“Then why the tealblood?” Vriska was growing concerned, unable to interpret her half-brother’s actions. He was having trouble figuring out just why he wanted this snot-nosed grub.  
“Because he’s part of who Karkat is now. I know you don’t understand but… I’m taking him and --”

“Her.”

“What?” John paused, eyes falling back on the supposed female wriggler. They all looked the same to him.

“It’s a her. The tealblood is a girl.” John shook his head, clearing his thoughts that felt like an overflowing dam. He knew this would be a difficult day but this entire kids thing was a new revelation that he wasn’t aware of. It was a bit much and he wanted to lay down. Wanted to, couldn’t. He had duties to attend to and gloating to do.  
“Okay, fine. Whatever, her. I don’t give a crap and how do you expect me to know what the hell the difference is between wriggler males and females? We have the same genitals, Vriska!”

“Yes but-” John gave her an annoyed glare and her lips thinned as she held her tongue.

“Just shut up and bring her to my block once she is cleaned up. The redblood? Well, you’ve dealt with tons of them in the past. Just send him off with the rest.” He glanced to the side, thinking. John wanted to get out of here, meeting both of Karkat’s wrigglers in one day was just too much. Vriska spoke up again. “Actually, bring him as well. I’ll deal with that problem once you get them sorted out.”

Vriska sighed, setting the sleeping girl up on the makeshift medical table. “I’ll have to examine them both. Why do you make my job so hard, John? Two redbloods producing a viable offspring is unheard of. I don’t know what I’ll even find.” Vriska sighed in exhaustion then looked at John. “That means you should leave.” John frowned, crinkling his nose. He was the one who found the two oddities, he had more right than Vriska to learn about his old flushcrush’s womb nuggets.But then again, he needed his space to think.

“If you figure anything out, let me know.” Vriska’s brow knit together but she nodded anyways as John turned towards the redblooded child who nervously nodded, not even knowing what John was talking about, too scared to speak. Vriska walked over to her medical tray and took a small needle, walking to the kid and gently took his hand. Kankri didn’t even try to pull away as she gently pricked his index finger, letting the bright red well up. Her eyes widened and she looked at the finger, bringing it within inches of her face.

“So strange... Never seen anything like this in any of my medical books.” She looked baffled, looking at John as if he knew the answer. The general just shrugged. “How is this possible? I have to do more tests.”

“That is why I brought him to you. You discern whether he is more of a breeder or a seadweller. No point of sending him to a redblood center if he’s not able to produce more of our kind in the future. As for the tealblood,” He reached for the girl and Vriska slapped his hand away. John rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Okay, whatever. Just do the thing.”

“The thing.” She made air quotation marks, “You mean my job? You’re so aggravating sometimes and don’t think about anything besides your stupid ex!” Vriska retorted, picking up the child and holding him properly as compared to the brute way John had held him. She shook her head, looking at John. She knew this was a losing argument.

“I’ll try and make it quick, just don’t do any… Johnish things while I’m busy okay? Actually do your job for once instead of being a salty asshole.”

“I am not an asshole!”

“You didn’t argue the salty bit.” Vriska coyly said as she smiled in amusement.John opened his mouth to retort her words, coming up with nothing before walking towards the door. Before he left, he was sure to give her the single digit salute. Vriska was such a pain sometimes. If he wasn’t her brother, he would have loved to hate her. The woman was so irritating and rubbed him in all the wrong ways but he supposed that was what family was for. To drive you insane.

He strode down the corridor, hiding his turmoil well. Just what was that? His hand went up to his face, holding his forehead as he felt a headache coming on. Give this child up to the caretakers? Never..He had felt some kind of warmth inside when the girl emerged from her slumber. It felt sickening to him, almost like he was watching a purrbeast video on trolltube. He wasn’t going to admit it but watching those tiny lusii fail at life was entertaining, especially after a long day of military work. This kid was Karkat’s, he wanted to see just how he could use this kid to his advantage. He could easily make Karkat bend to his will with that yet--

The child was too cute and he didn’t think he could bring himself to do it. Yes he was supposed to be some sort of military leader but something about that child… brought out a part of him he had ignored since that fateful day Karkat ran. He smiled at the thought, thinking of the girl like a purrbeast. That had to be it, some kind of leftover instinct from eons past. He wasn’t going to dwell on it, he didn’t have time. He had to get this castle in order and make sure all the drones were playing their part, the still alive ones anyways.

He smirked to tapping his claws on the wall as he walked, sharpening them on the stone and brick. He walked past a few patrolling drones who saluted their general to an approving nod and made his way to his quarters up on the ship. He wanted to check up just how Karkat and the other redblood were doing once he finished his rounds about the castle. A plan that was interrupted by the indigoblood he did not want to see right now. John groaned internally, eyes resting on the troll.

“Hi, Gamzee. I’m kind of busy.” This was not the proper time to see his moirail, he had more pressing matters on his hand. One of them being how much he wanted to sink his bulge inside Karkat like he so rightfully deserved. Gamzee wasn’t picking up the atmosphere at all.Instead, he swung around and hugged John, picking him up a few inches before plopping him down. John glared at him a moment before smoothing out his hair and cape, muttering under his breath as Gamzee just stood there grinning.

“So you finally won. We should celebrate! This wasn’t the easiest task to do.  I mean, we kind of overdid it. We didn’t need an entire fleet to take down this place. It’s what, two adults and a bunch of kids?” John let out an annoyed groan at Gamzee’s words. The indigo seemed to have forgotten their last attempt when they were repelled.

“I would rather overwhelm them then come unprepared. It’s been almost 5 sweeps since we last tried and we only sent a small group. This was even before the redblood found this place! If an entire unit was beaten by one eight sweep old, what did you think I would do now that he had a fortress and god knows how many brats? Not to mention the other redblood who fights with the strength of your caste! Of course we overdid it! We had no choice! I would rather that than the risk the humiliation of losing to a damn mutant who’s using a fucking fortress that hasn’t seen action since the great mothergrub war!” John half shouted the last bit, breathing heavily as he defended his troops. Gamzee was so damn arrogant sometimes.

Clueless, too. The troll reached a hand out and rested it on top of John’s head and petted him. The blueblood was having none of that and shoved it off. “Save it. I don’t need your pity.”

“Yeah, you do. You’re like a bundle of bloodrage waiting to happen. You’ve been this way all week.” Gamzee brought John into his arms and John tried to shove him off, eventually giving in and sighing, accepting his fate of hugging the other. It wasn’t like this was too much of a mortifyingly embarrassing display. They were moirails after all, this was fine.

“You do realize why, right? I was so busy making sure this would be perfect. I didn’t want to fail again.” Gamzee went back to petting John’s hair and this time, John let him. He relaxed in his arms and shut his eyes.

“You don’t need to be so tense now. We won, it’s over. You can finally be with your matesprit.” Gamzee said it calmly as John bit his lip.

“He’s not my… He was at one point, but now? No. I thought this closure would make me feel better but it’s not.” John sighed, his brows knit as he struggled to put his thoughts into words. John looked up at Gamzee, trying to keep his face calm.

“He had grubs, Gamzee. With another redblood of all things. It just makes me so mad. I’ve been mad at him for sweeps now. I don’t think this is flush anymore.” John spoke the words he had known for a while now. He hated Karkat, wanted to hurt him, see how far he could push the troll. Yet the pity he had felt so long ago was still there. It was so confusing and he didn’t know what to do. He finally had what he wanted yet-- It didn’t feel that way. It made his head hurt, but the closeness to his fake-rail was helping. Maybe he had gone pale for real with the other general.

John was confused and pulled away, looking up at Gamzee with pity. “Look. I know this is all kinds of grounds for a feelings jam right now but I think I need to go face my demons. I need to see Karkat.” Gamzee nodded in agreement, letting his hands fall off John’s shoulders to rest at his sides.

“Okay. You go see him then. I hope you figure it out. You know I’ll be here for you when it’s done.”

“Yeah,” He thought a moment and then frowned. “Go check up on Vriska. That sister of mine scares me.”

“John.” Gamzee said in an amused tone. “Everyone is scared of Vriska.”

“I know.” John was grinning again, laughing a bit. “She’s kind of a bitch.” He backed off, starting to walk down the corridor. “Good luck with that.” He waved a farewell to Gamzee before turning a corner and picking up his pace to get away from his moirail. He would see Karkat again and this time, he wouldn’t be the nervous kid he used to be. This time, he was in full control and Karkat would see that.

Fuck, he **hated** the guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sorry for updating so slowly, I have been dealing with a lot of things. Wedding, moving things, trying to find a job. A few people have suggested I start a patreon regarding this fic but like… I don’t know? It would help financially a bit but it’s homestuck and I’m not sure if I should. But yeah… I legitly need to find a job or get some source of income cause before now, I was taking care of this old lady and she kind of...did the dying thing. So I’ve been stressed over that cause finding a job is hard, especially since I can’t do retail due to my health issues. So...patreon is an option, just asking for people’s opinions. It might actually motivate me to start working on my other fic idea but… It’s still in the planning stage because I have the generic idea down, just no idea where to head to for plot. Also...NHEA is almost to the arc I like to call “I’ll write this later.” Like bunch of you know, this fic is already mostly written. Except this one arc because I had no idea how to approach it so I have it outlined, just not written. It might take me a bit to write it all out. 
> 
> Plus the wedding stuff is tiring cause we still haven't talked about _when_ , just sometime next year. I’ve been looking at dresses and found one I like but no store carries it so might have to make it myself or find a seamstress to do it for me. Not starting on it until I drop 20 more lbs cause yeah… Besides, not a main concern right now as compared to other financial problems. I have enough saved up to last me 2 months but after that, I am generally fucked. 
> 
> IDK readers, what do you think I should do? Patreon or nah? Thinking it would involve seeing the chapter before I go and do the artwork, seeing the artwork as I go through thumbnail-> sketch-> lines-> coloring? Maybe a few art streams or something? I have no idea since yeah. Might have to do it on a project based thing too as compared to monthly since keeping a schedule stresses me pretty badly and I end up breaking down. Like, did have a schedule for NHEA at one point of every 2 weeks but it became too stressful and it affected my writing so now it’s down to once a month if I can muster it. So..yeah. Wow this rant got a lot longer than I thought it would. Hahah… 
> 
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	31. Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This day was something John had looked forward to for so long, anticipating just what to do and say when it happened. He had been prepared for this moment...right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Porn, more porn, and nsfw imagery

Karkat woke up cold, his limbs stiff and hard to move. He groaned, trying to roll onto his side. Failing, he opened his eyes slowly and gazed up at the ceiling. It was a familiar sight made of grey and brown stone. They were still inside.

His limbs were heavy. His head was pounding and a frustrated growl escaped his black lips. He had been laying down a while it seemed. Karkat erupted into a cough. He tried to cover his mouth but found he couldn’t move his arms. He panicked, trying to yank himself free, only to feel the tug of something digging deeper into his skin. His eyes fell onto an IV line. His mind was too foggy to process what was going on. He squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to sort out the situation, let his confusion fade.   

It didn’t; his entire back and chest were still in pain, his lungs aching with every breath. In his stupor,  he moved his left arm up to rub at the skin, finding thick bandages covering the surface. He finally decided to face the strange sensation that emanated from his other arm and looked at his left inner elbow. An IV was forced under his skin, pulling his blood up into a bag and down into…

“Dave,” Karkat croaked, trying to reach his arm out to his matesprit only to have the binding tug at his skin. Without thinking, he tried urgently to move it again, reach for Dave, pull him close. Dave was hooked up to the other end of the IV bag, taking Karkat’s blood as his own. A blood transfusion, something rare that only happened in the most dire of circumstances. Karkat shut his eyes again in a vain attempt to get his thoughts in order.

Karkat looked up and down his matesprit. Dave was still unconscious and he looked so pale, covered in thick bandages and even a cast. Karkat gripped the edge of the metal bed he was laying on and tried to slide off, only to hear metal rubbing against metal. He looked down, sneering at the cuff that linked him to the table, preventing him from leaving the surface. He grit his teeth, trying to divert the pain there, rolling back down on his side and just watched the rise and fall of Dave’s chest until footsteps met his hear sponges.  

He arched his head up and made eye contact with a mediculler whose lip thinned as she walked up to Karkat. Karkat snarled, trying to press down against the medical table he lay on. The mediculler didn’t even acknowledge his cold glare as she made her way to him. Karkat continued to hold his glare as he watched the mediculler hold up a syringe. She pushed the tip under his skin, injecting him with a cloudy yellow liquid. He wanted to ask what but his voice wasn’t coming forth. She was gone before he managed to muddle his way through a sentence. The effort made his vision swim and his head plonked down onto the metal surface to sleep.

In the darkness, Karkat dreamed of the dead limeblood grub. Only it was wrong --he was barely Dave's age and it was like the first time one of his grubs had died. One of the grubs in the orphanage except this time, it cut much deeper. His own, one of the twins that had died, he could recognize that pair of thin horns anywhere. His felt like he was choking, something too large going down his esophagus. Trembling, he shook the grub in his hands gently.

"Come on," Karkat begged the grub, feeling its heartbeat slow, shaking it harder because he'd thought it would help back then. He knew it was useless but he had to say the words. His voice grew more urgent.

"Come on, _please_ . You can make it, I know you can. All you have to do is live and I'll do the rest. Come on... Please. **Please** !" But the grub was dying anyway and Karkat realized it was choking. He turned it over, rubbing its chest to help it spit. And it spat out red. Red blood, more and more of it, drowning inside. Of course he was. And Karkat knew it was his fault. _His fault._

**His fault!**

**HIS** _FAULT_!

The ocean of red engulfed his surroundings, yet Karkat didn’t care, he kept begging the grub to wake up, to stop filling the room with red. He couldn’t take it, his tears joining the sea of red until he couldn’t see anything but the bright hue. It wouldn’t stop, he could hear the blood rushing into his ears and he felt like he was drowning himself, drowning in the guilt of his inability to save just _ONE FUCKING GRUB._

 

***

 

He snapped awake, body yanking tight against the ropes, immediately aware of how tightly he'd been bound to a breeder chair, his chest flat against the seat while his ass was forced to stay in the air. It was only after he yanked on the ropes that kept him in place did it sink in where he was. This was his worst nightmare come to life. His mind returned to the memory of the city, of the realization what having mutant-red course through his body meant. Karkat shuddered at the thought, body slumping down against the surface.

This wasn’t even one of the chairs he had seen in the city, this was a new model where he was forced to look at the floor while he was taken from behind. His face was planted in some kind of cushion that kept his head from hanging down. His chest went numb and heavy with guilt when he realized just what was going on, trying to sit up to find that even his wrists were tied to the base of the chair. High density space rope was used, he wouldn’t be able to break it if he tried. His mouth was dry, a cottony taste in it. He coughed, licking his lips as if that would help. It didn’t and the only liquid he could find was the saline from his tears. Great, just what he needed. Showing his weakness just because he’d lost. He had so many regrets right now.

He should have made Dave go hide with the others, kept him from taking such a large wound.

He could have saved him from whatever fate had in mind. Even if just for a little while, Dave could have had more ti... Karkat smelled another troll. His head yanked up, a low, feral growl bubbling out of his throat.

_Enemy._

Karkat would tear him apart with his teeth, with his bare hands if he had to. It took a while for Karkat to identify anything beyond the urge to kill. When he realized the identity of the troll behind the desk he was surprised.

John, a face from another life. He wasn’t imagining seeing him. He snarled out the greeting now, yanking on the rope again until they groaned just to feel them bite into his skin. Cuffs bit into his skin, hurting him in a way he knew he deserved.

John was sitting languidly in a large plush office chair, twirling a pen between his fingers. The gloves of the drone uniform lay on the table, along with the visor he had worn during the battle. Karkat yanked at the rope again, growling at them in frustration. It was cold, his carapace bunching up a bit as he felt the air bite at his skin. He struggled in his bind even more. His inner arm hurt, the source where they had taken… They had taken his blood to save Dave. He just hoped it worked. Fuck his own well-being, he only cared about Dave. If John even laid a finger on his matesprit, he would kill him.

John cleared his throat, causing Karkat to be pulled from his thoughts and look at the other. Time had changed him, the fat from his face mostly gone, his left horn different now that it had regrown, the scar of the break forming a line across the cartilage. The other had changed and if circumstances were different Karkat may have been able to appreciate it.

John stood. This was the time to fight back. Break his bonds. Find Dave. Karkat couldn't take his eyes off John. The cerulean approached, slow, arrogant steps, done by one knowing he was in complete control. Karkat followed him as well as he could, tensing as the other circled behind and out of his line of sight. Karkat tensed as a cold hand touched his spine, a possessive caress. Karkat's fingers twisted into a fist.. Karkat tensed at John’s touch, hands knotting into fists. As John stopped walking and stood behind him, Karkat snarled, thrashing once more, searching for any weak point in the restraints, any means of forcing him back. There was nothing. Part of him was still surprised. Back when Karkat had known him, he wouldn't have thought John was quite this cruel. It had been a long time since Karkat had been anything like powerless.

John spoke. "Family? You're a redblood and a troll. Trolls have no concept of family. Of course, unless you mean those wrigglers you stole from the empire. They don’t belong to you. You stole trolls that had an entire future ahead of them and used them for your own purposes. You used them to suppress instincts that you know full well you have. You’re a redblood, it’s your instinct to spread your legs." His hand trailed down to Karkat’s nook, rubbing the folds. "The wrigglers are being taken care of...dodon't you worry. They’ll have a better life now that you’re out of the picture. Don’t think I don’t know about those who have left your little rucksack orphanage. Hah… You call it an orphanage. Those wrigglers would have likely been taken care of a proper lusus, either in groups or their own. Trolls aren't meant to be raised by other trolls. You proved that. You didn’t raise them, you used them. Guess that makes you the bad guy here. I’m just doing my job, making sure you provide the empire the only way your caste can, by leasing out your seedflap." He gasped as John’s other hand gripped his ass, trying to turn his head and snarl.

"Get your feculent, grub-fondling fingers off of me or I swear I'll scatter the pieces of your corpse from here to the eastern border!" He howled at John’s rancid words. He'd guarded them. Taught them. Loved them. They were his family more than he was anything like this troll. Every wriggler behind those walls was his and the rest of Altenia could burn for them.

“The only time you did something right, was by having that teal and mutant. The one time you acted your caste. I’m surprised you held out for that long, they’re pretty young.”

Karkat’s mouth fell open at those words. John had found them, his wrigglers. The ones he thought were safe and hidden. The rope groaned again and Karkat dragged his head back until it felt like it could snap off his spine, yanking against his binds again.

He roared.

“Don’t you touch them! Kankri is barely pupated and Terezi is still in her ‘coon. You fucking monster, don’t even look at them! I’ll kill you!”

He snapped his fangs at John’s face, trembling with unspent rage. John watched on, a smile pulling his lips as though he was amused at his threats. Like he was sharing in some kind of joke. Karkat threw himself against his bindings, his rage only mounting at the continued threat against his family and the insult John was paying his anger.

“I’ll fucking kill you where you stand!”

John’s hand patted Karkat’s butt like it was some kind of disobedient kid. Karkat was shooting daggers at the general who was way too calm for the situation.

"Of course we won't touch them, they're not of age, yet. On the other hand, you are. Karkat, you’re in no position to make threats."  

John near purred this sentence, taking far too much pleasure in torturing the troll who had declined him. Karkat’s hand curled up into a fist, bracing himself as he felt John press against him. John had the upper hand here. Karkat cold hardly move and John could do just what he wanted, just what he desired. Sweeps of hunting the redblood who denied him and now, he could finally claim his prize. Karkat wanted to puke, his muscles clenched tight as if that would allow him his freedom. It wouldn’t, he could feel the cold touch of his old childhood friend against him, running down his hips, acting like this was anything but rape. Karkat clenched his fist together until it strung, his claws digging into his skin. He could feel John’s hand pause a moment before slipping further down, between Karkat’s legs and dangerously close to his nook.

Karkat’s head dropped, resting on the pillow of the breeder’s chair, eyes squeezed shut as water formed on the edge of his eyes. It would happen and there was nothing he could do about it.  John slipped a finger inside Karkat who cursed under his breath, growling at the unwelcome digit. John rubbed the finger inside, trying to incite Karkat’s body into producing lubricant. Karkat was dry and wanted to stay that way. John hummed as he kept pushing, trying to get Karkat aroused. It was not working, at least that was what Karkat kept telling himself. His body was betraying him and he was getting wet, nook opening up despite his mental protests.

He wanted this to end. John was just like every other troll outside the orphanage. Saw him as nothing more than a breeder, some plaything to fuck. He hated him in a purely platonic way and wished that John would crawl back under the hole he came from. John had grown cruel. The empire had done its dirty work on him, like any other highblood. He had been a lot softer and nicer at one point and Karkat kind of missed how innocent they had been. How _clueless_ he had been. It had all been stripped away after sweeps of fighting, of an adult life. If John thought he could be broken by a _damn hand,_ he was mistaken. Karkat choked out a repressed growl, feeling the fingers moving inside him. His muscles were working against him and with a growl and snapping broke off into gritted teeth and a furious grunt, squeezing his insides as tight as possible to try to keep John's damned finger out of him.

Karkat grimaced in fury, thrashing against his cuffs again, trying to get away. He had to get loose. Had to get his poor, doomed wrigglers out of here and literally anywhere else on Alternia before they grew up and were forced to live in the sort of world that everyone else had grown used to. What would become of Kankri? He would end up a breeder. Terezi? She wouldn’t even remember him and that hurt the most. Nausea built up in the back of his throat, the sensation of John’s fingers numb in the back of his head. He had to find Dave and soon.

Yet he was powerless and panting with anger as he realized that John could finger him all he wanted and Karkat couldn't do anything to stop it. He hated John for it, for everything, blaming it all on him without knowing how valid that anger was. Being trapped didn't stop Karkat from slinging challenges.

"I will," Karkat growled at him, "Mutate myself a set of fucking teeth on the area of your choosing and rip you to shreds, John. You think I can't?" The rope groaned again, Karkat wincing at the way that squeezed the finger inside of him. The way John curled the claw against his muscles had Karkat shudder only to grit his teeth until his jaw hurt and the pain overrode whatever pleasure his body was saying it felt.

Fuck his instincts, he was not going to fall for this. Not for anyone, ever. Especially not John. That asshole could burn in the sunlight and leave a scorch mark on the dirt for all he cared. He just had to figure out a way out of-  
Karkat gasped as John added another finger, glaring at the troll behind him as hard as he could. "Don't you ever underestimate my rage," Karkat snarled. "I beat you fuckers once and I'll do it again. I'll do it as many times as I have to. And when I get free," he bared his teeth. "I'm going to hurt you. Until you beg me to die."

John hummed at his words, pulling away for a moment, Karkat’s fury-filled gaze following the troll to his desk. The fucker was getting more lube. Karkat bared his fangs, unable to help when his eyes rested on John’s crotch. The fucker had a wiggly, the bulge moving under his clothes. He wanted it. Preferably stuffed and mounted on a wall so he could stop fucking dreaming about it filling him. He was disgusted by his thoughts. If this was what he was like without the wrigglers suppressing his instincts, he didn’t want to think how he would be when he was in heat.

Would he beg for it? Let any troll saunter up and take him? He was pulled away from his thoughts once again. Cold lube filled him and he whimpered, unable to do much besides press back against John’s hand.

John spoke as he dragged a finger along Karkat’s walls. "You beat a bunch of sex-starved horny trolls who were weakened by your pheromones. You lost because you were up against trolls who were thinking with something other than their bulges. You know, the long thing in a troll’s pants...something you'll get to experience a lot..." John was fucking taunting him.

_Fucker._

“I hope your hand cramps and your bulge turns into something resembling a raisin. I've been beating trolls three times my size that outnumber me ten to one since I was seven fucking sweeps old," Karkat corrected in a hiss, squeezing his eyes shut as a nail dragged against him just right. "And I lost because you trashed my home and brought a fucking army. All those trolls not thinking with their bulges --I recall their screams." Karkat snarled, refusing to be intimidated by John _fucking_ Egbert. "Tell me, you done the math yet? How many clutches of eggs will you fucking cowards need to breed me with before I make up for how many of you died trying to take on a pair of mutants?" He yanked the ropes again, snarling back at John, eyes lit up with rage. "I will get free. I'm stronger than all of you."

It was like the words didn’t even bother the cerulean. John just kept going, adding a third finger into Karkat who keened from the feeling, his nook lips spread wide for John to admire. This was degrading and Karkat couldn’t say he hated it. His instincts were at the forefront of his mind and he ended up letting out a single choked sob, wishing to be anywhere but here, facing the demons of his childhood. John wasn’t going to let up and the monster would get what he wanted.

John paused for a moment. “Are you fucking crying? In gratitude, I take it? I know you’re tired, I am too. It’s been so many sweeps since we did something like this. I want you and you know, all this? It was for you. I wanted you so bad and you went and rejected me. You didn’t think it would come full circle but it did. You have no idea how happy I am to be able to hold you again.” John pulled away and Karkat lett out a breath of relief. Hopefully that meant it was over. Nope, he heard the jingle of a belt buckle being undone and glanced back to John undoing his hotpants. Karkat froze up, unable to take his eyes off the bulge.

It took all his effort to look away, gritting his teeth a moment. "And you'd think," Karkat said, mustering up some sarcasm because it was practically his safety blanket, "That at some point over the sweeps, you might have gotten over the one nook that had standards." His breath was heavy, expecting it any moment now, for John to take him. His features twisted into a grimace, refusing to look. Being stronger wouldn't help him now. It would happen and then it would be over and it would be a damned battle wound like anything else.

Karkat wouldn't let it humiliate him. He wasn't going to gratify John with a sound out of him. Karkat kept his jaw clenched tight as he prepared himself for it. This would just be another shitty moment of his life and then it would be over. He braced for it yet… yet nothing happened. He opened his eyes to see John frozen behind him, eyes on his nook and the bulge that were mere inches away from him.  
“Just fucking get it over with you bulgemuncher, I know you want this. You’ve said it so many times.” John didn’t move and before Karkat understood what was happening, John had put his shorts back on, uncuffed Karkat’s handcuffs  and left. Karkat just stared in the direction of the door before it processed what just happened.

John had left him. Why though? It didn’t make sense and as he slipped off the chair he was still laying on to sit on the floor and rub his wrists and ankles. He looked down at the reddened skin and was was just filled with a perplexed confusion.

What had happened was so…

He didn’t know what was going through John’s head. He was pretty sure the blueblood just wanted him for the breeding, the sex… The eggs. Yet when he got the chance to make it all happen, he gave that up. Karkat, who had thought he knew everything about who John Egbert was…

He was wrong. It was frustrating beyond belief. Something made him actually mad about that. John, who had ruined his home and his family, had just fucking walked away from his victory like it was nothing. Karkat was pissed. He walked over to the door, trying to pull it open. If he had expected it to be unlocked, he was a naive fool. He twisted and turned the handle until eventually he gave up and stormed across the room. Angrily, he sat down in John’s chair and glared at the door like it would summon the blueblood.

 _Nope._ **_Nothing._ ** _John was gone and…_

Now he wanted the blueblood here so he could tell him exactly how fucking rude it was to just up and leave. What an asshole. An asshole who was still as attractive as he remembered. Karkat flushed about even thinking that, disgusted by it even. This was the troll who had ruined his home and family, he should have nothing but hatred for him. Actually, he was positive that what he felt was pure hatred and not the romantic kind. He wanted to bite into John’s jugular and rip it out and watch the blueblood bleed. Preferably until his body stopped moving and doing the living thing.

He would if given the chance, although he knew John would probably overpower him. Especially while Karkat was in his pupation-day suit. It was then he remembered that he was nude, glancing around the office for something to cover himself up with. There was fabric on one of the table surfaces and Karkat picked it up, finding himself holding up that ridiculous cape John wore. He shrugged, putting it over his shoulders. John’s cape would have to do. He wandered the room a bit before he sat back down on John’s chair, wrapped in the fabric. He shouldn’t have taken a deep sigh of relief, the scent of the asshole was on it. He couldn't help but take in the familiar scent of laundry detergent and spring, closing his eyes and remembering days smiling and laughing. He hated himself for it, pushing the cape off and standing up, growling at the fabric. He then remembered just how fucking cold it was and put it back on, grumbling the entire time.  

He didn’t  want to think of the good times he had with John as a child, it made him think that maybe there was a chance the old John was still there. That was a load of bullshit though, it had been way too long and John had destroyed his home. He kept having to remind himself that John was a bastard asshole and nothing could ever change that and he hated him for it. Not the romantic type but the ‘I wouldn’t mind seeing you dead type’. Yet there it was, the asshole fucking made his heart flutter with pitch and he was pretty sure he couldn’t loathe him more than he loathed himself. This wasn’t some romantic novel where two childhood friends fell into a quadrant and everything was fine. This was reality and reality was crap. Karkat grumbled a bit, reminded about his dry lips and throat. Glancing around, he found a pitcher of water. He drank as much as his mouth could muster, water pouring down his front and getting him and the cape wet.

Good. Let that be John’s problem.

 

***

 

 

John could hardly believe it. He had everything he wanted, everything he fought so hard and so long for and yet… He didn’t take Karkat when he had every chance to. He thought he knew what he wanted, it was just oh so obvious to just about everyone. Karkat was a breeder and John was a highblood. Their relationship should have been set in stone. Karkat was meant to be John’s, that was the end of it. Yet when he was given the chance, he backed down. It was almost like no matter what, while he could handle Karkat nude and open for him, he could not handle fucking him.

It made no sense! John growled, hitting a brick wall with his fist and instantly regretting it. He shook the pained hand, trying to dissipate the sharp discomfort. He wanted Karkat, he knew that. So why? It hurt his head, the blueblood sliding his glasses off and rubbing his temple. He needed to lay down, perferably in his bed and rest. Maybe that was the reason why he couldn’t take what was so rightfully his?

 _Exhaustion, that had to be it._ He was certain it was the reason, chuckling lightly as he reassured himself. He could take a breather. Besides, Karkat wasn’t going anywhere, he was locked in his office and only John had the keycode to the door. The general didn’t let his exhaustion show as he walked past soldiers, a serious expression plastered to his face like a mask.

He was relieved to reach his room, waving the plastic card to let himself in and…

“Gamzee. What are you doing in my room? On my bed? In just your boxers? Didn’t I tell you to deal with Vriska?” John could feel his lower eyelid twitch.  Gamzee was just… He didn’t even have the words to describe how he felt about his moirail right now. Agitated? Annoyed? Perplexed at how anyone can be so fucking useless? He had no idea.

Gamzee just shrugged, rolling over on the bed and holding his arms out for John. “Come ‘ere you loaf.” John stared at him a moment before sighing, walking over to the bed and sitting on the opposite side of Gamzee, far out of reach of his long fingers.

“I truly believe you get some sort of sick pleasure from agitating me. Normal trolls don’t go around like some kind of prehistoric mammal in just their underwear.”  
“Nah, I just followed the flow of my jam and I ended up in your room all nude like.” Gamzee rolled over until he was sitting, scratching his side as he faced John.

John sighed, shaking his head and rubbing his temple in agitation. “This isn’t helping your situation in the slightest. Seriously, Gamzee, I have tried to help you learn what is socially acceptable and what isn’t yet that seems to go in one ear and out the other.”

Gamzee just grinned, leaning back before gravity took hold and he ended up laying again “Look at this. I think about laying down and wow. Gravity happens and I end up on my back all comfy and stuff. ”

John frowned. “You’re the descendant of the Grand Highblood, you have to start acting like it instead of some soper high nitwit.”

“I like soper though, it really makes you notice the tiny miracles in life and stuff. Like, you know those little patterns you see on ceiling paint and if you let your eye dart around you start seeing stuff? It’s little things like that which normal trolls overlook. Man, miracles are all around and you just gotta stop and smell the roses.”

“I know you like soper, I have had to confiscate countless parcels of it from you.” John groaned, sitting on the bed and bending to remove his boots. “Seriously though, I needed to relax and think about some stuff, not talk to you about your inability to comprehend this thing some of us like to call reality.”

“Like what? What am I not getting, my brother? You just say the words and I’ll get my motherfucking understanding on.”

“That’s just it. I don’t understand what just happened either.” John let out a frustrated groan, falling back against the bed. “I just fucking left him! I had the perfect chance to fuck him but when it came down to it, I fucking chickened out. I don’t even understand why! I just freaked out and had to leave! I had my hand in him and everything but when it came to my bulge? NOTHING!” John rolled over, hugging a pillow to his chest. “I don’t get it.”

Gamzee reached a hand out and put it between John’s horns, rubbing his moirail’s head. “Nah man, 's easy to understand. You got your emotions all tangled up and confused. Just got to untangle that tangle and they'll stop being so confused, then up and show you what you know you want.”

“Translate for me, Gamz. I’ve wanted to fuck him for sweeps and then when I have the chance to...I didn’t. Tell me what it means. Is something wrong with me? I’ve never backed down on this kind of shit before. I always take what I want, so...why wasn’t I able to take Karkat when I had the chance to?”

“Cause trolls ain’t things. They got a spectrum of feels. You can’t mess with the feels though. If you fucked him, he would have hated you for reals, not romantic like at all.”

“I don’t want him romantically. He’s a breeder, he doesn’t deserve my spades.”

“You sure about that? You were all flushed for him as wrigglers man. It was the cutest shit I ever done hear.” Gamzee petted John’s head, the blueblood growling lightly before shoving Gamzee’s hand away.

“Don’t patronize me. Breeders aren't real trolls.” John refused to look away from his knees, trying to avoid the gaze of Gamzee. Soper addict or not, he was smart and knew how a troll’s mind worked. It was why he was so good at making others obey him. He got to people's inner core and molded it how he wished. It didn’t work on John, though, his core was as hard as steel. At least he thought it was, the uncertainty at his actions shone through on his face.

“That’s what we’re told to think but you ever get your thinkpan to do what it wants? You’re not a caste, bro, you’re a troll. You’re a complicated mess of feels and your bloodpusher is telling you Karbro is just like any other troll you got your squares up for.” John glanced at Gamzee and sighed.

“So, what do I do? I can’t… I can’t let people know I have feelings for a damn mutant. Do you have any idea how people will view me? All this effort to get a breeder and… I end up in spades and unable to use him the way he’s meant to be. I want something more than a master with his nookslave. I want…” He stopped, looking at Gamzee. “Oh.”

“Yeah, Johnny boy, even I could tell you got the hate for Vantas. So you got to let him know. Know you aren’t after just his nook and eggs, you want him as a troll.”

John’s lip thinned and he looked down. “But...I...He’s a redblood.”

Gamzee stared blankly at John for a moment, before lighting up suddenly and exclaiming “Palebro, it's a cake!"

All he got was a blank stare from John, which lasted for barely a moment before the purpleblood excitedly explained.

"Your argument, bro! It's a like a cake. You up and get all the pieces and bake 'em together, then pretty up the outside with a _ton of frosting_. Your position in the army is like the frosting, all good looking and you just wanna eat it all. But the real prize is inside, motherfucker. You’re all feels and miracles. You ain't just some blue frosted cake, you’re this fucking amazing chocolate cake which was made with all kinds of baking skills and a bitchtits cake like that is amazing.”

John chuckled, shaking his head. “Your analogy is hard to wrap around but I get what you’re saying. I’m too caught up in appearances and should just follow my bloodpusher. Or something. I think? Am I getting this?”

“Yeah you gots it bro. Now go get that redblood and show him what it’s like to be spades with General Eggdork.” Gamzee grinned and John broke down laughing.

“Did you hear that from the Vantas wriggler? He called me that too.”

“Yeah and it was so motherfucking smart. That little guy is a fucking miracle.” Gamzee hummed, laying back on his stomach. “Seriously, let me handle the getting us back home jazz and you go get yourself some redblood nook.”

John smirked, standing up. “Thanks for that, Gamzee. Sometimes, I think you’re not a complete idiot.”

“No problem my man, it’s what a pale bro is for.”

John just rolled his eyes and left, starting to head back to his office. He had locked Karkat in there, he should probably do something about that. Not only about Karkat but also sort out his feelings, for real. It was about damn time. He couldn’t come up with any excuse this time. No lusus to throw him against a wall, no fortress to keep him at bay. It was just him and Karkat, the way it should be. He just had to troll up and not wimp out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! It sure has been a while. I've been trying to get each chapter done in a month but this one had so many nuances to get through that it took much longer. But yeah, bet no one expected that. Ahahaha. ...Anyways  
> I actually just recently got a new job and it's been very exhausting. Been waking up at 6am and I'm out until almost 9pm. It's really exhausting and I used to at least spend a few hours writing/planning/drawing this fic a day, which I now don't have much energy to do. I don't work weekends at least and the wedding planning is going full force at this point. I'm not sure how often I will be able to update due to this but I do have first few pages of 32 roughed out at this point so we'll see.  
> As a small spoiler/gift for the much longer delay between chapters,  
> I give to you, Part 4 cover: [Click here!](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/post/161117606667)  
> This will officially be posted around chapter 37. Now then, another spoiler. This fic I have planned for 7 parts. But length wise, I would say I'm about...1/3rd of the way done. Not to mention, I have a prequel planned. I am still roughing out the details cause well, plot is hard to come up with. NHEA plot sat on my computer for far over a year and things are still changing as I write. Originally, Rosemary wasn't in the fic at all. But... another arc completely ends up requiring it and felt it was necessary. Chapter 33 is actually planned to be a Rosemary chapter but it will take a long time for me to write since it is the least developed arc in the fic. Even CroKri which doesn't even happen for a long time is more developed than Rosemary. Yes, I said it. There is Crokri in this. I also have to plan out the meowrail's arc more thoroughly. Part 4 has a lot of things happen in it and I would say it's the major climax of the fic. There's a few of them, but this one...Many things and stuff happen. Anyways, enough rambling. I should post this already and let you guys read. :P  
> ...which is redundant sorta since this an end note and this is the last bit you guys read. ANYWAYS! Please comment on this chapter, it's always motivating seeing what you guys think. Even the Rosemary chapter where I was like "I have made a big mistake." Anyways! Cya'll. 
> 
> As usual, here is the links I provide at the end of each chapter:  
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)
> 
> Hope to see you


	32. Toga Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John grows a pair and finally takes part of his prize. But Karkat was more than just a redblood he was... More than that. He just couldn't say it outloud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: NSFW, NSFW imagery, blood, shenanigans

John’s boots echoed through the corridor as he made his lonely trek. It was the only sound he could hear and he couldn’t help but feel alone in his thoughts.The wrigglers who had not been hurt had been led to safety away from the decrepit orphanage. The ones who had blood and burns on their bodies would remain here under the strict supervision of Vriska Serket until they were fit to join their brothers and sisters in the caste facilities in the outside world. Once there they would be groomed into the perfect trolls and eventually rejoin society. There weren’t enough lusus anymore for each wriggler to be taken care of,  and those who did often had lusus far past their prime. With the population of trolls dwindling, so were the lusus in turn. John knew it was just a matter of time but what could one troll do? Not much, all he could do was follow orders and hope for the best.

John raked a hand over the stone wall, his claws raking the surface and watching as years worth of grit fell to the floor as he strolled by. This place looked looked like it was falling apart even with what he presumed was fresh lumber placed over the roof. The few pieces he happened to walk by looked new despite the bits of burnt wood on bits. Most of the wall was now floor, not to mention a good chunk of the eastern wall was now in ruins. It was curious really, knowing how Karkat had found this place and made it his new home. It had been a base during the Mother Grub War, redbloods taking up arms against the empire as troll’s eyes turned to them in the hour of need. A hopeless fight that seemed to repeat on this day. John sighed, stopping in the middle of the hall, looking out through one of the holes of rubble caused by his drones. It was a surprisingly calm night out, not a sound from the surrounding forest. Despite the taste of fire on his lips, it was like nothing was wrong.

He closed his eyes to clear his head. John thought of Hopdad, how the senile bunny had made countless cakes. He needed to think about anything else besides how decrepit this place felt. Hopdad was always a good distraction. Besides, the situation was reversed now. He was taking care of Hopdad and he couldn’t help but feel small next to the elderly rabbit.

His thoughts fell on the sweets again. John was repulsed by the sweetness now but as a wriggler he had loved it. John wished he could say Hopdad stayed the same, but like any living being, time was taking its toll. Clumps of fur had fallen out, his ability to make feasts even the Condence would be envious of faltering. John craved the sweetness of a napolian cake, the flakey pastry melting in his mouth and the butterscotch coating his tongue. The memory brought sweet memories back, the times he had shared the endless supply of sweets with Karkat and laughed as they coated each other in frosting.

He craved it now, the memories, strange as it was. He supposed not as strange, a lot of things from his youth were being brought up. Karkat, his failure to secure him into a flush. The anger and betrayal he felt when Karkat ran. Emotions that were seen as weak for a highblood in his position. At the very least, he was able to hide them, bury them under a face as cold as a mask. One made of porcelain, easy to crumble if the right section was struck. Karkat was the hammer to his heart, he couldn’t do anything about that.

Gamzee was right, he had to talk to Karkat before it consumed him. He doubted that would go well, the cerulean stalling and returning to where Dave was being held. A few doctors were hovering over the unconscious mutant, sleeping now with a steady bloodpusher beat. John cleared his throat, entering the makeshift hospital room.

“How is he?”

“Good considering the state he was in. It’s a good thing we had another redblood to use as a blood donor.” One of the medicullers was checking the vitals of the unconscious redblood on her medical screen, her finger swiping the glass surface as charts and other vitals were displayed. John peered over her shoulder and tried to understand the squiggly lines to no avail, it was as good as trying to real old Alternian and hoping to make any sense of the letters.

John looked away. “That’s good to hear. I wasn’t expecting a second redblood. Like, just assumed the guy ran off from home and died out in the sun or something.” It wasn’t true, John had suspected the other redblood in Karkat’s hold was Dave Strider. How he got so far north however? John had no idea. It was half a world away where the mutant was from. He was sort of impressed really. Then again...there was the matter of the wriggler. Besides the examination he had made his blood relative perform, he knew nothing of the child.

Dave stirred momentarily, John gritting his teeth together. He wasn’t ready for this confrontation. This mutant thought himself worthy of a redblood when he himself was in the same position. It was disgusting, taboo even. Two redbloods together? It wasn’t right. Still, it had happened and two of their grubs had become wrigglers. John wanted to scream just thinking about it. Still, he had to act calm and poise in this case, not let the mediculler into his head.  
She turned to John and sighed, shutting her eyes. “Quite an assumption to make. Everyone knows not to go out in the daytime without a suncloak or a deathwish. Though, I am surprised he hid out for so long.” She looked at John and held out the chart to him. “A few days rest and it will be safe to transport him somewhere safe for someone of his station. Being of the southern province however, it will be up to you whether he is returned to his hatch origin or stay here.”

John tapped his chin, glancing over the charts that he had no training to understand and handed it back. “The southern province is governed by that Ampora guy right? Crobus? Crowbar? Whatever his name, I hear his people are rebelling, not exactly the best place to send a redblood of all things. They’ll tear him apart.” John thought a moment and sighed. “Normally in this case just making it up here would be an accomplishment and grant him refugee status...Yet he’s a redblood. It’s a gray line.” John shut his eyes, trying to think of a solution.

“You said a few days correct? Trace his lineage, see if he has any family up here and let them deal with him, he’s meant to be their problem.” John had no connection to the white-haired troll, the only thing he knew about him was that him and Karkat had grubs. It sparked a small bit of anger in him honestly, something he was suppressing. It didn’t matter now, the redbloods were separated now and hopefully never see eachother again, John would do his damn best to make that a reality.

The mediculler nodded, glancing at the empty medical table that housed Karkat earlier before returning to tending to the bandages of the passed out redblood. “What of the other one, the one your age? Surely you have plans for that one?”  
John chuckled. “Of course I do, he’s the entire reason this attack happened, why the other redbloods now think themselves better than a walking bucket. Had to put him in his place.” John kept his voice firm, refusing to waver. He didn’t know what he felt. His hesitance at taking Karkat right there and then...What was wrong with him? He couldn’t let the other’s know he stopped either. Redbloods were toys and were meant to be treated as such. So why was it he couldn’t do what he had seen countless trolls enjoy? The feeling of a redbloods nook was said to be ecstasy, hot and warm and wet. The best sex one could have outside of a quadrant. Yet…

It was then he realized Gamzee had been right. Karkat wasn’t just a redblood, he was his friend, a troll he wanted to have in a quadrant. Flush? No. Maybe if he had taken him back then but he doubted that would remain. Karkat was a rival, they always had fought. Sure they got along but that was part of a relationship too, murdering a kismesis wasn’t exactly ideal. He realized then that was what he felt. Pure and utter hatred. He hated Karkat, wanted to bite his lips as they kissed until it was bloody. His bulge throbbed just thinking about it.

The beeping of a bloodpusher monitor pulled him out of his thoughts, the dazed look on John’s face vanishing as if he hadn’t been daydreaming. Dave was still hurt and Karkat was still in his office.

“Make sure he remains stable. Let him rest but moment he’s better… Inform my moirail once that happens, I’m going to be busy. I have a hot nook waiting for me and I plan to partake in my prize.” The words sounded rehearsed coming out of his mouth but then again, he was expected to remain calm and collected even when his emotions felt like a tsunami raging inside his head. He wanted Karkat to feel just as dizzy and angry as he did.

He turned to leave, distancing himself from the unexpected factor that was the other redblood and made his way to his office. He needed to stop stalling and actually confront his demons.

John unlocked the room and paused, expecting Karkat to be brooding or something. Instead, John found himself staring at Karkat as he was in the midst of standing on his chair, wrapped in the blue cape of the general and tied at his shoulder.

He was quiet for a moment, locked in place, before slowly drawing his leg back inside while gauging John's reaction. It took a moment for the aforementioned general to progress what he had just witnessed; let alone what his prized prisoner was wearing.

“Are you using my cape as a fucking toga?”  It couldn’t be described as anything but a toga. The two trolls stared at each other a moment before John cleared his throat, shutting the door behind him.

“I would apologize, but then again… You kind of left me no other choice Egbert. I was not going to spend the last fucking hour in the nude.”

John couldn’t find the words, just watched Karkat climb down from the chair and casually sit on it, crossing his legs and staring at the blueblood. “I still don’t understand. You left me locked when you finally had me in the palm of your hand. I thought for sure you would rape me and--”

“No.” John cut him off, rubbing his temple. “I thought I wanted to, I’ve been pining for you for so long, since we were wrigglers. I was mad and stupid and immature and... “ He looked at Karkat who seemed hesitant about John’s words being the truth.

“Your words are one thing John, we’ve been over this. Your words scarcely influence your actions. You were talking about fucking me and then you leave.”  
“I’d feel bad about raping you.” John looked away from Karkat’s fiery gaze as if ashamed. He was, he was a blueblood. Pure power and instinct, no hesitation. The only reason he had hesitated taking what he wanted for so long, was because he still felt something. He still wanted Karkat, not as some kind of nook slave, but as an actual quadrant. Sure he didn’t feel flushed anymore and it made him angry. Karkat brought out his rage. When Nektan had attacked him, when the other was flush against his skin and they first kissed… Karkat was his drive, his reason for why he did anything. He wanted to keep that feeling going.

“You’re not saying anything.” John stepped closer to Karkat, the redblood looking out the window of the ship.

“I don’t know what to say. You feel bad about raping me? You didn’t feel bad about destroying my home, hurting my wrigglers. Killing them…” He turned towards John who felt a lump form in his throat. “You only cared about one thing and that’s why I don’t have anything to say. You’re like those highbloods in the movies. You only think about yourself and you don’t even think about what kind of ripples your actions cause.”

“I wanted you.” John stood in front of Karkat. “And I got you.”  Karkat sent him the most pitying look at John found himself gripping the edge of the table, claws digging into the wood. That look he was receiving from the other just made him angry and--.

John moved forward before Karkat could respond, kissing him harsh and deeply. Karkat let out a startled gasp, shoving his hand onto John’s face and pushing him away. John growled, hands on Karkat’s arms, keeping the other close. He wanted to kiss him more, deeper and blacker but Karkat was having none of it, eventually leaning back and sending the chair and himself on the floor. John stared down, watching Karkat slide off and sit on the floor, hand over his lips.

“What the hell Egbert?! You just said you didn’t want to rape me and you go ahead and fucking rape my mouth!” Karkat’s eyes were wide, a faint blush on his face. John growled, grabbing the other’s hand and moving it off his face, leaning towards the other.

“Don’t say that. I felt your lips move with mine. Some part of you, some very deep part of you, wants me. You can’t throw away sweeps of feelings just like that.”

Karkat snarled, glaring at John as he spoke. “I threw them away into the trashcan where they fucking belong!”

Karkat yanked his hand back, taking a few steps back away from John. “You can’t just walk back into my life and expect things to return to how they were. Our relationship is like a glass window. It’s transparent and you can see there’s something there on the other side. Until the rock that was my heat hit and it shattered. You can’t repair something that’s been broken.”

“No, but the stuff on the other side is still there. The window frame is still there and the glass can be replaced. I want that to happen, I want to mend our relationship. I know it’ll be different, we’re both so different now.” John felt like the old wound that Karkat had left in his bloodpusher was tearing, the stitches of time unraveling as Karkat struck it with a proverbial knife.

“No fucking shit. It’s been half a lifetime! The last time I saw you we were seven! We’re fifteen now. We’re adults and we’ve had time to change and learn and…” Karkat paused, inches away from John’s face, red eyes blazing through John’s defences.

“You haven't learned anything about what I want have you? You just saw me as a future breeder and you wanted me to fall into that web like a damn fly. I ran John, I didn’t want that life. Maybe I would have been okay with you taking me at one point, I know for sure I wanted to. But now?” Karkat was gesturing wildly as he rambled in John’s general direction.

“Now I don’t. I have a life, a family. I can’t drop it! I don’t want to drop it. You can’t just force your way back in by destroying the foundation of my life. Just because I don’t have them right now, doesn’t mean they’re going to stop existing. I will find my family, I will rescue my damned matesprit and grubs, and I will ensure that this time, I never see you again! I’ll find some castle near the equator and we all know how that place is!” Karkat was waving his arms around and pacing as he continued to rant angrily.

“It’s on fire! _Forever!_ Living in a hellish landscape is preferable to being stuck another second on this airship with you trying to get in my pants! Trying to convince me that I want you there! Because news flash, I don’t fucking like you anymore. I could even call it hate.” The redblood paused a second to think.

“The platonic kind, not the kind where we have a relationship. Actually, here’s a better idea. I stay here with my wrigglers and grubs, and you go to the Equator and burn! All of Alternia could burn for all I care! From the shores of Beforus all the way to Skaia! Nothing is getting between me and my family and nothing will ever change that!”

John found himself backed up against a wall, Karkat had been approaching him the entire time while shouting at him. He waited a moment, seeing if Karkat had more to say but after a moment of silence his blue eyes met the fiery red of the redblood’s. “Are you done?”

Karkat’s eyes flickered orange, the infamous redblooded rage, the only redblood John knew that was capable of such fury.

“I fucking hate you.” It was Karkat who kissed him this time, and John found his lips parting, chirping as Karkat’s teeth dug into his lip. He was bleeding and he relished the iron-tinged taste.

 

***

 

Karkat could scarce believe he was kissing John willingly. It was like all the anger had congealed into a solid state filled to the brim with hatred and lust. Karkat didn’t even know what he was doing, making out with the troll that just ruined his life.

It wasn’t long until Karkat found the toga undone, laying underneath him as John joined him, stripping himself of the clothing he wore. A rush of movement happened and the next thing he knew, John’s bulge was deep inside him.

It hurt. Everything inside of him was hurting in an instant and Karkat was used to pain, so that wasn't the problem. But he was remembering Dave, remembering laying his eggs, remembered being made love to inside. This was nothing like that and he was screaming in outrage in a matter of seconds. It was humiliating beyond belief that he couldn't steel himself from the onslaught of old childhood feelings. He wanted to beg John to make it hurt more, make him feel like the hate he felt was justified. He didn’t want to feel soft for someone like Egbert.

John’s bulge flicked against a sensitive wall and Karkat keened, claws digging into the other’s grey skin and causing torrents of cerulean blood to drip down. As pitch as John was fucking him and as much as it hurt, Karkat was wet inside despite himself. John made him feel good and as much as he was in denial about it, he couldn’t help when he was eventually brought to climax. He felt like he no choice, it was a physiological response that he couldn't control. He didn't want to feel what he had felt with Dave  but pleasure cut through him indiscriminately, had him screaming in fresh ecstasy. His nook squeezed down on John's bulge, soaking from orgasm, Karkat's own shriveling back into its sheath. He heard himself moan and HATED that John was the one to make him feel so good and sore.

John’s kisses were like poison, taking over him and leaving him weak. He could hardly believe he had fallen so fast. Karkat let out a scream, claws digging into John’s skin until he felt cold liquid pooling around the gashes. He didn’t even know what had possessed him to act this way --John had destroyed everything and here he was acting like a damn horny teenager. He was quick to question if this was a heat, yet the same conclusion kept coming up.

He was fucking John because he wanted to. Some deep instinctual insectoid  part of him still wanted the troll that ruined his life despite all the sins. It felt so good, John’s lips against his, their bloodied mouths biting at the other until there wasn’t a distinction between red and blue. They were one in this moment and Karkat despite everything, wouldn’t have it any other way.

Did he forgive John for the attack? _Hell fucking no._  There would be a time and place for that but right now, all he wanted to do was express just how much he hated the troll against his naked form. On Top of him. He didn’t want to be the one on bottom and growled, moving a leg on top of John’s back and twisted, forcing the other to fall to his side. Karkat took that opportunity to slide from underneath him and force John on his back.

John looked downright stunned at the action and Karkat grinned, kissing him harshly again before he was moving with the bulge still deep inside him. He moaned, unable to hold back as pleasure overtook him and he felt a rush of heat leave between his thighs. He had orgasmed from his nook, red coating John’s stomach. Yet the blueblood wasn’t halting, acting like Karkat hadn’t just came undone and kept moving inside the oversensitive walls.

Karkat wasn’t going to let John win, not this time nor any other time in the future. Karkat rode out the rest as best he could, dragging the pleasure to the back of his thoughts, refusing to feel anything but the weight of his hips moving to Johns. Karkat felt John orgasm and he clawed at the other’s back, the sharp nails digging deep enough that the smell of blood joined the scent of their mating. John near purred as he pulled out of the mutant, red and blue streaking down his legs.

Karkat almost thought he was handling it before slurry spilled into him and his thoughts tried to snap back to Dave again, hoping uselessly that this was just some heat induced dream where he got John and Dave to himself. John being in his life again wasn’t something he was ready to handle, nor the chill in his nook.

He squeezed his eyes shut against the tears, forcing his nook to relax the minute John's bulge was out of him so all the slurry could splatter free. He wanted it out of him, a torrent of realization at to what he had just done spilling out. He needed every damn molecule out. His insides were poisoned from touching it. He wanted it out and then he wanted to claw everything between his legs bloody for letting that happen. The sick feeling hadn't faded now that they were done. John’s words pulled him out of his trance.

"Next time, I won't be so easy. I'll breed you nice and slow and fill all your eggs." Karkat rolled his eyes. There would be no next time. Karkat slid off John, wiping at the tears, trying to numb all sensation from between his legs. He couldn’t believe he just did that. He had sex, willing and eager with the one troll who had it out for him. John was a tool for the empire, this single moment was all they had and probably would ever have. Just because John had conquered his home, didn’t mean he had conquered Karkat’s spade. At least Karkat thought that was what John was going for, that asshole always was hard to read. When John moved in to kiss him, Karkat put his hand on John’s face and pushed him away.

“Meat," Karkat shot, voice dripping with hate. He couldn’t stop the tremble in his voice.

"Meat describes livestock.” John hummed, now playing with Karkat’s hair. Why was the asshole so adorable yet so noteworthy? John Egbert was a fucking enigma.

“Sheep are livestock. They also like to travel in herds and are led by a barkbeast or some shit like that. Either way, what I’m trying to get across is you’re a simple minded fool who lives to serve the most wrinkly-assed empress ever.”

“I don’t think her ass is wrinkly. I don’t want to know if it’s wrinkly. I really do not like the mental image you put in my head of her ass covered in wrinkles. Why are you like this?”

  
Karkat just smirked, eventually bursting out laughing. “Oh god...How did I live without your stupid ass for so long? You’re a moron.”

  
“That’s calling the kettle black.”

Karkat just smirked at John before leaning in to fake a kiss before hitting John with the back of his hand. “You deserved that.”

John rolled his eyes, rubbing his arm where Karkat had hit him. “I hope you have 70 eggs in you after all the fucking I did to you. You’re gonna be fucked a lot, you know that?”

Karkat glared, picking up the slurry covered cape they had been fucking on and wiped at his slurry coated legs before tossing it to the side, sitting back down and bringing his knees up to his chest. He didn’t want to think about it. John didn’t capture him just so he could keep him to himself, the general had a duty to share Karkat with the rest of the population, set him on his predetermined path.

_Such bullshit._

John wasn’t done prattling on, despite the cold glare Karkat had given him. “You'll be breeding the rest of your life, so I'm sure you'll replace those you killed as well as produce more. It's your fate after all. Fucking redblood slut."

“Once again, kettle, meet pot. You’re the one who was so damn thirsty and salt ridden that you spent sweeps pining after one redblood. You’re the one who’s pathetic, not me.”

John glared, Karkat stuck out his tongue.

“At least I know my place in society and joined it in a timely manner. You’re long overdue for your destiny.”  Karkat froze at that, looking up at John.

The other wasn’t going to keep him? But he thought… Of course. John followed the law to a point, Karkat shouldn’t have expected otherwise. Redbloods belonged to the empire more often than not, owning one for yourself was rare. Karkat felt a tinge of disappointment at that, eyes falling down between his knees. Karkat knew that truth, his forehead making contact with his knees. John wouldn’t have the power to keep him anyways and not that he wanted it. He wanted his freedom and to find Dave and his wrigglers. He wondered how they were doing and if he would ever see them again.

“I should get back to my duties.” John hummed, playing with Karkat’s hair. “I am the general after all and I have certain expectations to uphold. One being doing my job.”

"Good. The longer until I have to be in contact with your greasy ass again, the better." Karkat knew he didn't have the eggs for this, at least. Hopefully John was the only troll disgusting enough to want to use him while he couldn't breed. But the retort was halfhearted at best. Karkat had never felt so thoroughly defeated.

Failed to protect every single one of his kids, Dave and then even himself. Stripped of his pride and family. Having the wound that was  his old feelings for John opened up again. He just wanted to curl up and not move, get some time to figure out what the fuck just happened. He wished he could disappear, because he had already betrayed his deepest conviction that he would never feel for John again.

He stared at John in loathing. No matter how much he hated himself, it seemed like he'd finally found someone he despised more. Karkat didn't believe in fate. Fate wouldn't have let him escape the first time, or build a fortress full of every good memory in the world, or do something good with his life that didn't involve pumping out eggs for an Empire that couldn't see him.

But if he had, he knew what fate had decreed this cerulean ass. A traitor even when they had been friends. One of the trolls who took Karkat away from his family, imprisoned the innocent, forced Dave into some new suffering when he'd already been through enough. Who knew what his wrigglers were going through, the cocoon Terezi was still pupating in. Right now, John was all Karkat could see and it sparked an angry inferno in him.

John was such an asshole. Of course John did have a point. Feelings never really die, they grow and change and there’s no stopping that. He hated John, he was just in denial that it was anything more than platonic. ...It wasn’t was it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grats on the sex boys, it's only been many, _many,_ **MANY** sweeps. Anyways... I made a website for nhea! Woot! It has some unpublished artwork as well as an update tracker. Fancy. -wiggles arms-  
>  But yeah, going through some real life stuff so no idea when I can next update... But it'll happen. I'm too stubborn to give up at this point. Once again, thank you for reading! It means a lot. :)   
> Next chapter is a 3 part intermission with the meowrails, rosemary and erisol arc...then it's back to your regularly scheduled Johndavekat. That being said, what did you guys think about the chapter? I'm not sure about the pacing cause I've been kinda out of it lately and I need that intermission chapter. Hell... I might even write a side fic or something cause NHEA has been going on for almost 2 years now. Raine need a break. 
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	33. Tsunami of Ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: None for once...

Equius stood there for what felt like hours, watching as they took the two redbloods away. His body was frozen as he watched the two fall to the side, lying unconscious in the grass. It was stunning, really; how easily Karkat was disarmed, the arrow that had shot him down pulled from his side by some nameless drone. Equius couldn’t move his feet. 

He had seen the pure wrath and speed Karkat was capable of during his bloodrages, nothing stopping him. So why did this seem so damn easy? It was almost like -- Gamzee had been right, Karkat had shielded himself from distraction in the past. Not to mention that Equius's presence unnerved Vantas. The redblood looked like he had seen a ghost. The moment Dave was shot it was like Karkat forgot all else and was lost to emotion.  Equius wasn’t the one to pull the trigger but still, he felt something swell when he watched the two rushed off to a medical tent. General Egbert was screaming at the indigo who had shot Dave before storming off somewhere. It had assisted in making the redblood falter and give the opportunity to strike. 

Karkat had weaknesses and they had exploited every single one. His feelings for Dave, his faltering when he saw a troll he had raised fighting for the other side. Even if Vantas was a criminal who had killed countless highbloods and midbloods, he was still a troll.  Equius felt sorry for him, in a way, but knew it was pointless. Regardless, they had won. The vile fugitive Karkat Vantas had been subjugated and the army could now rest. 

Equius’ eyes fell on the giant red pool of blood that remained on the purple grass once the pair were taken to the medical makeshift tent. He hoped that Dave would pull through. The blueblood didn’t know much about the redblood but each one of them wais vital to the empire; even one death was a great tragedy. 

This was supposed to be a casualty-free takeover: take out the two redbloods and secure the castle. It was clear by the bodies strewn around that Karkat didn’t have the same plan in mind, nor had John taken any care to prevent any wriggler deaths. It was a war between two trolls bent on one-upping the other where no one was the winner. 

It made Equius anxious, his stomach churning in discomfort. 

_ Probably the blood, _ he thought to himself, gloved hand resting on the source of his pain. How foolish he was to think he could be a doctor one day when blood made him so uncomfortable. His eyes scanned the battlefield and he saw splatters of blood from all sides of the hemospectrum. From yellowblood all the way to violet, trolls barely past pupa all the way to trolls spouting their first white hairs. All were warriors who weren’t even trolls anymore, just bodies littering the ground. 

Equius clawed at his palm and forced himself to start walking. There was no discrimination when it came to death.  He couldn’t let it bother him, couldn’t let himself question his choices. He took a deep breath, shutting his eyes and letting the vision of the battlefield fade. 

His feet hurt and the ringing in his ears wouldn’t subside. He needed to calm down, he needed to clear his mind of what transpired. He was a warrior, a drone, he couldn’t let something like his aversion to blood get to him. After a moment of attempting to let the typhoon of thoughts recede to no avail, he knew he only needed one thing.

_ Nepeta.  _

Equius slithered between the crowd of drones who were celebrating the victory. For far too many reasons he just wasn’t feeling it. He should have been proud in his role to take down Karkat, yet… 

He picked up his pace, storming past everyone and boarding the airship. His vision was foggy and his mind was racing. It was like he had been sleepwalking, acting out some hypnotist’s order to fight and now that they have won the spell was broken. He made it to his chambers, watching the door slide to the side and rushed in, eyes on his moirail as he did the first thing he could think of.

He rushed to her, picking up the small olive female and hugged her as he broke down in tears. Nepeta froze, before her arms eventually wrapped around Equius, patting his back with her small, delicate hands. 

“Shhh… It's okay. It's over now. We can rest.” Nepeta’s words helped calm him, the blueblood eventually letting her go, letting the girl hop onto the floor. Nepeta was short, Equius towering over her. He had his adult molt recently, while she had yet to go through hers. The difference between them was noticeable but it faded when Equius sat down on the edge of his bed and Nepeta plopped herself on his lap. He found himself shaking as her hands cupped his face and she rested her forehead against him.

He had hurt Karkat, was instrumental to nearly killing Dave… there had been so much blood. He couldn’t take it and once more, he broke down in tears, holding on to Nepeta as he cried. He wasn’t fit for this. He didn’t want to be a drone, fighting wars in the name of some faceless Empress. He didn’t want to do something like this ever again. He had to escape, he had to take Nepeta with him. 

Why did he even become a drone? Because of Egbert and Makara? He couldn’t come up with another reason. It was all their fault that he felt like this. He had been brainwashed to serve and hurt and… 

Now that it was over, he felt broken. He wanted to save both redbloods, give them the freedom they deserved. The answer to  _ how _ was elusive. Equius couldn’t think. He could only let his emotions out on the thin shoulder of his moirail.

“No, Nepeta. I hurt Karkat. I chose to hurt Karkat.The look in his eyes… he looked so betrayed and broken. Then Dave... Dave got the worst of it. He might be dead now and it’s my fault.” Equius stammered out, pausing every few words.He was having a hard time putting his thoughts together.  He wanted to question it, ask if the attack was justice. Was anything that had happened since he rejoined the outside world good or had he simply done as Gamzee and John wanted?

At least John had a reason; he wanted Karkat. That was for sure. But Gamzee’s motive? Equius wasn’t sure what drove the half-mad subjugator. What made him look manic one second and calm the next. Regardless of that, Equius wanted to know, what drove those highbloods and what drove him. He felt like a tool, not a troll who had his own thoughts and feelings. Karkat broke all the sweeps of obeying orders with just one fucking look. 

_ What have I done?  _ Equius thought to himself as his arms wrapped around  Nepeta and brought her flush to his ches t. It was like a silent conversation, Nepeta knowing just when Equius was on the brink of breaking. She was like the dam to his lake of emotion and kept him from flooding over. 

“Oh palest… I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have… I should have turned around and disobeyed his orders. Dave would still be safe and Karkat would be free. I fucked up and I --” Equius choked out a sob, shaking now that he was letting the events sink in. He only did this because…

“You only did this because you were protecting me. Equius… we’re not wriggler’s anymore. I can handle myself.” Equius's breath caught in his throat, one of his gloved hands going up to cup Nepeta's palm, squeezing the space between her fingers reassuringly.  Carefully, Nepeta moved back, removing Equius’s glove, pulling one finger free at a time and dropping the thick leather to the side of their pile. She took his hand again and he couldn’t help but smile. Under the leather her touch was there but it lacked the warmth that he felt skin to skin. She reached a hand up and wiped at falling blue tears, drying the liquid off on her pants. He hadn’t even realized he was crying, laughing a bit as he fell back on the bed, taking his moirail with him. 

“I know. A part of me has always known. It was so convincing. He made me believe Karkat was the bad guy, the rebel, the defier. He made me hate him, want him captured and brought to justice. Then that look Karkat gave me… he looked like he had given up.” He paused, sighing as he watched the moonlight stream through his window and hit them both. 

Dave and Karkat..they acted almost like a quadrant--but that was impossible, Karkat didn’t do quadrants, did he? How much had Equius ruined ? A part of him didn’t want to know, he just wanted to keep believing the lie John had told him. Karkat was a soulless wriggler stealer and… yet the look he had given was so heartbreaking that Equius wasn’t sure what to believe anymore.  His mind was exhausted from the long night. He wanted nothing more than to let the hurricane of his mind settle, the storm waning as Nepeta sat up and worked the base of his horns, easing the tension they held.  It was nice to know that she would be there for him through thick and thin, through every mistake. Countless mistakes that he had made. He shouldn’t have joined the army. He shouldn’t have become a drone, mindless and following orders without a thought. He should have become the doctor he had wanted to be, helped people instead of bringing them harm.  Harm he inflicted on the trolls he once called family.

Dave’s scream and blood flashed through his mind and he curled back up, rolling to his side, wrapping an arm around Nepeta’s waist, bringing her into a tight hug. She was startled by the brisk movement but calmed, smiling as she pet Equius’s hair. 

“What am I supposed to do Nepeta? I hurt him, I hurt everyone. I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. It is like the line between good and evil dissolved and I don’t know where I stand. I’ve been taught that redbloods like him serve the empire by keeping our numbers up at the cost of their freedom but denying that fate like Karkat did? It’s selfish. I don’t know where I stand but I feel like I’m in the wrong here. I ruined it, Nepeta… I ruined it all.” The haze of confusion weakening his pillar of belief, unsure just what to do now that his morals were brought to question.

Nepeta pulled him out of his thoughts, making him look down and he let his guard down with the gentle pressure of her horn touching his. This was a sign of pure trust and he felt himself calm a bit, the stiffness in his shoulders easing as he shut his eyes. Nepeta’s soft voice breached his ears. 

“ Shhh... I know you need time, time to think, time to take it all in. That's why i'm here. I'm your moirail, it's my job silly. I'm here for you. I'm here and hurting just as much as you.. Karkat..he…” she paused, her hand pausing near Equius’s ear. She rubbed at it, Equius looking up at her fingers coated in red blood. Some must have splattered on him during the fight, he didn’t know. 

“Karkat will be just fine and so will Dave. They’re made of super strong stuff, even stronger then we can imagine. And John? John wouldn't hurt them. We both know he's caught up in what he thinks is justice. It's the reason why all those sweeps ago.."  She curled up her toes, looking down at them. They had healed, the only reminder that they had ever been broken were the scars that ran down them. They were a reminder as to how far a highblood could go, how far any troll could go. Equius put a hand on her foot, acting like the palm of his hand could hide the hurt of the past.

It couldn’t. John had hurt him, hurt Nepeta and worst of all; John hurt his lusus. It sunk in deep, that single thought. Despite it all, Karkat was his lusus. John ensuring Equius kept on a proper path didn’t mean jackshit. He had made him a mindless servant, obeying the order to weaken Karkat’s defences with his mere presence. He didn’t want that yet --.

The more he thought about it, the more Equius realized --.

“John. Do you remember that time we walked in on him holding that photo album and he was crying? He looked almost vulnerable, nothing like the General I know. He was hurting too. He has feelings for Karkat and I wonder if everything he did was for him.” He thought a moment, “Can’t explain Gamzee though. If the laws were like those of old, he would have killed you when we first met. Killed me even… he’s bloody mad.”

“Aren't we all?” She sat back, brushing Equius’s bangs to the side. “We are all trolls. We are selfish creatures whose lone instinct is to survive. You told them what they wanted to hear because you wanted to live. You wanted me to live. Outside of our quadrants, we don’t care.” Nepeta spoke those words like they were fact prompting Equius to have a revelation. The reason John wanted so desperately to have Karkat, to see the other fall, was because the elder troll felt it was his duty to protect his quadrants, skewed method as it was. 

Now that it had happened, Equius wondered just what would happen to Karkat and everything he held dear. What would happen to them all now that John had what he wanted. He just hoped that the fighting was over so no more trolls had to be hurt. A foolish thought really, just because a troll was bound by the Condesce's words didn’t mean shit when it came to instinct. 

Equius knew how to get to John then, how to find the justice Equius sought for his moirail, his lusus, his home. Through Gamzee. Getting rid of the troll was the solution to breaking John, to changing everything back to how it was. To tell Karkat just how sorry he was. Gamzee had to die and if Equius would rot in a jailbreak for the rest of his days, so be it. He needed the justice, craved it. Nepeta didn’t deserve to be hurt like this, his family didn’t need to hurt like this. He knew what he had to do and would go through with it. 

“You’re shaking.” Two words. It was all Nepeta had to say to drive Equius out of his thoughts.“I know you too well Equius, what are you thinking about? You look as flustered as a purrbeast after some ‘nip.”

He couldn’t lie to her, she was his light, his diamond. He let out a sigh, burying his face in her hair. “Nothing you need to worry about, highblood stuff.”

“Equius…” Nepeta spoke in a warning tone, Equius flinching from her like he had just been caught stealing a brownie by a displeased lusus. She sighed. “ I know you think revenge is the only answer but it's not. Did they hurt us? Yes. Do we want to make them pay? Yes. But that only makes us as bad as they are. John has what he wants now and who knows? Maybe it’s better this way. He is distracted and now we can run and he won't even notice. ”

Equius hadn’t even thought of that solution. With the rebel redblood now in custody, anything they did wouldn’t be monitored, the other drones too busy celebrating this grave injustice. Running without taking a shot at the two who had hurt them so however? Not a chance. 

“Fine. First chance we get we’re gone. Where do you think we can go?”

Nepeta thought a moment and spoke. “The sea! No one really goes to the port cities anymore except seadwellers and merchants. No one would think of looking for us there.” She thought for a moment. “ If we can find the others who left the orphanage, we could band together and make a new home… Me, you and everyone else. ”

Equius frowned. “ Nepeta, we are only a small group, what if what happened today happened again?! It is far too dangerous."

Nepeta shook her head.  "It won't! The only reason they went after Karkat is because John wanted him!! Because Gamzee wanted to see how far John would go for him. Isn't that obvious?? John is pitch deep with Karkat! This entire ruse.. the attack.. was so he could have him. He has him now.. Maybe it’ll make him stop. Equius.. we can have a home together. A life, a safe place.. ”

Equius frowned, looking down. “ This is Egbert we are talking about. He won't stop, he didn't stop hurting you when I spoke. He didn't stop when I betrayed Karkat, what makes you think he --."  He bit his lip, deep in thought before looking at Nepeta again, “-- thought that what I was doing was wrong. I thought that everything I did was just. Because of the way John painted Karkat. A murderer, a kidnapper, a rebel. I was wrong and I can't change it. I can't go back in time like some hero and undo what has happened, today or before! I can't undo the last few sweeps.."  Nepeta patted his cheek again and Equius found his hand clutching her fingers gently, his grip loosening when Nepeta winced and tugged away. “Forgive me, I don’t know my own strength sometimes.”

Nepeta shook her head, sliding her fingers out of Equius’s hand and rubbed her palm. “ You're purrfectly fine. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. Ha, you're always apologizing like that but I, of all people, understand. You're a strong highblood and I'm just an olive blood. I'm durable but I’ve felt broken too."

Equius nodded. “ I know. You stopped talking for almost a sweep afterwards. Then rarely at all. You’re getting better and for that I’m proud. You're even talking about the future and helping out the wigglers that Karkat can't help anymore. I just wish we could do more but..."

“No buts.” Nepeta slid off Equius’s lap, eyes resting on the window. “ We are like caged animals here, we have been for a long time. Caged inside that Castle or within the walls of the capital. I don't wanna be someone’s pet anymore. I want to make my own choices, write my own story! And I think we'd do right by continuing Karkat's legacy --."

“Of kidnapping grubs and raising them to be our own personal army?” Neteta groaned before gently smacking Equius on the arm.

“NO!  No!!! I mean taking in grubs with no lusus silly. And raising them. It could be like an orphanage. Except with less  fighting trolls who crave intimacy with a redblood.”  Nepeta nodded, like her plan was the best idea ever. It had potential, Equius had to admit that. The how was far out of their reach for now but in time they would figure something out. He leaned into the other, shutting his eyes.

“It won’t be easy you know. Redbloods might have maternal instincts and jadebloods are good with grubs but we’re neither. We wouldn’t know what we’re doing and who knows how that’ll turn out.”

Nepeta hummed, thinking a moment before standing up, crossing the room and picking up a book.

“Look at this!” Equius wasn’t going to mention it was upside down, just kept silent as Nepeta opened the book, flipping through the pages like she could understand the words. “It’s a book. You know what books are for right? They contain everything we know and learn. We’ve watched Karkat take care of wrigglers and there’s countless books out there for other trolls to learn too.”

“Yeah… those trolls being jadebloods who are predispositioned to-”

“ Equius, you're not getting the point. Redbloods, Jadebloods. It never really mattered!! We are all trolls! We are all capable of the same thing. ”

“Nep- Just because trolls can tolerate each other doesn’t mean we’re meant to stray from our castes role. We all have to play our part and-”

“No.” The single word struck a chord with him, his eyes never leaving Nepeta as she continued to go through the book; still upside down. “ Everyone is told what to do but no one ever asks what they want to do! You keep being told to be a drone, fight for the army but I have never seen you enjoy training or anything. That time you helped a purrbeast out of a tree and fixed its broken leg. I never saw you as happy as you were that day. We are told what we can and can't do and we just accept it?” She paused, letting Equius take in her words. 

“Look at Karkat. He took an old run down castle and made it a home. A home for so many wigglers and grubs that would have spent their lives mindlessly obeying what they were told. Like we were made to do after they kidnapped us from OUR home, Equius. Our home is not here, it never was! Trolls are told to do one thing all their life because it’s some kind of destiny bullshit. We’re not a cookie, we come in all kinds of shapes. You don’t have to be a drone and I don’t have to be some useless olive! |”

 

“Karkat kidnapped us and we were just returned. Nepeta, I know you see Karkat as some kind of benevolent guy but he’s not. He was using us for his own selfish gains, to keep him from following his destiny. We just...” He was having a hard time coming up with the word. It was hard when Nepeta’s words rung true like that. John had made them both follow their prewritten destinies.

Equius as a drone and Nepeta… as nothing more than a pet. He looked at her with a look of realization. “Fiddlesticks.”

“I think something harsher than fiddlesticks sums up the situation. John uses trolls. He used us both to get what he wanted and like a discarded toy, he’ll throw us out. That's not a bad thing either! We can rebuild on the foundation Karkat started and do more. We don't have the same hurdles he faced but we have our own. And just know it'll turn out okay... I know it will. So, we will leave together and continue Karkat's legacy. right?

“Yes of course. But what of Karkat and Dave?”

Nepeta’s enthusiasm deflated with those words and she frowned. “I don’t know … not yet anyways. They deserve the freedom as much as you or me… We all do.”

“Yes but how? All we can do is take in the lost children of these final generations and make good on Karkat’s promises. He was a redblood who rebelled and now he’s nothing but a bulgesleeve to the General.”

“For now.” Nepeta stood again, brushing the wrinkles out of her shirt before walking to the heavily tinted window. “ See that sunrise? It may be the same sun as always but each day is new. We can't let the past hold us down. We have to keep moving and keep hoping for the best. That's one thing we can all do; living our life each day like it could be our last. We'll figure it out and maybe even if Karkat isn't the one to do it, we'll change everyone's minds. Show everyone what a troll is and what we can really do. I want to build that orphanage and show the world we can. "

“The orphanage is destroyed…” He walked over to the window, looking at the orphanage that was mostly in ruin now. The entire west side was rubble and what remained of the east side was overrun with drones tending to whatever task they were set to do. 

Equius didn’t care, he just wanted to pretend today didn’t happen. But it had and he had made the mistake of hurting the troll that had taken care of him for so long.There was no coming back from it and he knew it. Things were set in stone now and no matter how he wished today could be erased, it was like permanent marker on a whiteboard. 

“Nepeta, you’re right. The seeds Karkat planted are still there. Trolls can be family and we don’t have to forget the garden. We can nourish it, make it grow. Maybe we can even spread beyond just one orphanage even. Hell, maybe a hospital…”

“Like you always wanted?” Nepeta  made her way to his side, looking out the window, looking at the ruins of what once was.  Equius had told her about his dreams of being a doctor, of being someone who helped people, not destroyed them. He just had to figure out a way to set down the battle armor and pick up the lab-coat. Nepeta looked back at Equius after a while, green tears rolling down her face as she beamed. She didn’t even let Equius ask why she was crying before tackling him into a hug. 

“That’s the spirit!” She pulled back grinning. “Come on Mister Zahhak, let's go rescue some grubs!”   
Equius let out a soft chuckle before placing his hand on her head. “Sure but how? We have to think of a plan.

Nepeta pouted but it was clear she agreed with the colder blood, sitting on his lap once again. “You’re right, we have so much to plan after all.” 

Equius smiled softly, resting a large hand on top of her head. He had hope that it would all work out but for now, what of Dave and Karkat? Equius struggled to think of what could possibly be going on with those two… He didn’t want to know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy moly it's been a while... Sorry for such a long delay, lots of things happening in my life and it's all kind of crazy to point I haven't had the energy to work on this- let alone figure out wtf is wrong with it during the rough draft stage. Plus beta I have got a 2nd job and hasn't had time to check at all and it's been stressful as hell... Not to mention the wedding soon. So yeah... I'm not sure when the next chapter will be out, but I started this and I intend to finish it. Even if the fic is only 1/3rd done... Though, story does pick up in a few chapters... Plus I know a few people are waiting for a certain ship to sail... Also. Since Kankri is sort of in the clutches of Drones and their medical staff now... I know he goes through the torture Dave alluded to earlier but... Not sure if I want to write it out or just write it like Kankri is experiencing it while high off his ass on soper. I'll figure it out... Probably. Just it's gore and on a child and it feels icky. Like, chapter 32 felt pretty icky to me but had to happen. Reason the sex felt sort of rushed. I wanted it over with for plot reasons. 
> 
> Also, decided I want to do a prequel to NHEA but then realized the story is so similar to canon it got scratched. For now anyway, until I come up with something better. Cause it would be mostly from the ancestors POV... Well, those who are ancestors in this AU anyways. Not to mention another fic I have planned which I probably won't execute for a while since it's unique enough an idea that I could throw OC's in there so not sure what to do there... Writing is hard. Rambling this gd comment is easy. Anyways... please comment? Kind of felt bad about 32 cause felt like everyone hated me for it or something... Anxiety happened. Not fun. Anyways, I should stop typing now. Next chapter I'm not sure if I want to go back to Karkat's POV or do Dave's... Or more 1-shot chapters for a bit. Rosemary chapter isn't until late 30's and I have chunks writen out for that... But so much needs to happen now because meowrails wasn't originally going to be in this fic but it sort of happened and I can't derail this train now. Anyways, off I go. I'm rambling now. Hahaha...
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	34. Lock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Separation from your matesprit never really works... Dave realizes just how alone he is while John relishes in his victory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Gore, medical gore, chatlogs. This chapter does not include artwork because I said so.

The Condesce.

The trolls’ majestic queen. She was the one who discovered the redbloods and saved them from the brink of extinction. It was she who ordered the culling of the mutated bloodecaste to a halt and forbade the senseless culling of different warring factions. Every troll alive now owed their life to her and all were expected to remain loyal to her. John couldn’t take the smug grin off his face even if he tried. This day was nearly perfect. Karkat’s orphanage had fallen, he had rekindled the flame of his youth. All he had to do was confirm the victory with her and earn her praise.

Karkat was sleeping next to John and the blueblood couldn’t take his eyes off the redblood’s face. The hardened lines of his brow were relaxed,the tension melting away as he slept. The bags under Karkat’s eyes were darker than John remembered. He found a few silver hairs near the base of Karkat's scalp and couldn't help himself as he yanked them out, only stopping when Karkat waved his hand at him and grunted angrily. It also showed their age, both of them. They weren’t teenagers anymore. Their outlook on life had changed so much. Things that felt like the end of the world now just felt like inconveniences. John’s claw traced the lines of scars along Karkat’s shoulders and chest, eyes half lidded as he examined the other’s body. They had both pupated sweeps ago, the youth faded from them. Yet in some ways, they were both still young. They still yearned to connect to other trolls, to feel loved and hated. Time had changed them both and yet kept them the same. John leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on Karkat’s lips, too gentle for pitch but Karkat wouldn’t know either way. The general stood, stretching his arms up over his head and yawning. A good fuck did any troll good.

He walked over to his table, picking up a communications device and sat down in his chair, spinning it to face outside, eyes rolling over the remains of the fallen castle. It had been a splinter in the empires side for far too long and now, it had finally fallen. The forest surrounding the castle was silent, no wildlife dared come close. John didn’t blame them, an armada of ships and the hot blazes of fire wasn’t a welcome sight to any.

Still, as he watched the fire burn he was reminded just what this castle was. A stronghold for a redblood, the first to rebel. No… the second. This castle had served other trolls besides Karkat and now with its destruction, it would fade. The rebellion would fade and all the trolls who fought against their salvation found by mere chance, would fall in line. It couldn’t be helped, the mothergrubs were gone and everyone had to do their part. Even Karkat had to face his design, John was just helping him get there. John ran a hand through matted hair, stopping at a tangle and rolling it between his fingers. He was trying to snap the hair, break off the flaws that were too deep to simply brush out. Pulling the communication device closer so he could read the screen and and typed in the handheld device. He had to word this carefully, the Condesce was not someone with whom you beat around the bush. He glanced over his message multiple times before hitting the send button. 

Gen_J.Egbert started a conversation with I.M_Condesce 

GE: Operation Complete. Victory to the Empire. As the leader of the operation I request ownership of the redblood. 2 other redbloods in the facility. One injured, receiving treatment. Other unregistered in database, underage. Vriska overseeing care.

John set down the phone and sighed, shutting his eyes as he waited, patiently. Well, as patient as a highblood could get when they were gloating about victory. He couldn’t help it, he was sort of vain. A ping went off on his phone:

IC: Greetings General John Egbert, this is royal handmaiden 734. The Condesce is currently preoccupied with royal duties and will **Never** reply within the confines of trollian. If this is a matter of importance, please proceed to her imperial palace for further briefing. Thank you for your time, have a pleasant night.

John was not surprised at all, the Condesce had no time to sit at her terminal and write a response to someone like him. He would have to speak to her in person once they arrived at the capital.

He sighed before leaning an arm over the window, looking at the building underneath him. T  
he castle was in ruins and all his army had left to do was wrap things up. Confiscate Karkat’s supplies, get the wrigglers organized and figure out what castecamps they were being flown to. If they had been adults they would have been tried for treason, helping an unauthorized fort flourish for so long.  
Everything was falling into place. He had been promised by the empress herself that the rebel would become the property of anyone who took down his defences.  
John just happened to be the one to break down the walls and make quick work of the fort.

John set the device down on the table and went to fetch his pants. They were on the floor next to where him and Karkat had ended up resting. Recollections of the previous night brought a smirk to his face, the troll humming a bit as he picked up his pants and looked over to Karkat. Moving aside the other’s bangs, he kissed his bruised forehead and then returned to getting dressed.

He had to check on the troops, see how the pillage of the castle was going. He had to check up on his sister and the other medicullers. The wrigglers’ safety was top priority for his troops, after all, it wasn’t their fault Karkat took him in a misguided attempt to suppress his nature. John glanced over at Karkat once again. He didn’t want to leave the serenity of the room. He just wanted to keep on pretending it was just him and the redblood that made his vision fill with orange. John was still sore in all the right places and wanted to relax after a night of vigorous military action. He chewed on his bottom lip with oversized front fangs.

There was another. Another royal Fuchsia who he could speak to. They were closer in age and it felt like he was talking to Karkat in his youth sometimes.

Gen_J.Egbert started a conversation with P.F.Cuttlefisher 

GE: Fef. Your genetic donor forgot what a phone is again. Make her look at her phone. I don’t even know why GHB even gave her the thing if she never uses it. At least you’re considerate and actually look at your device. Can you let Empress Meenah know that the Vantas fort has been obliterated? We’re doing all we can to gather the surviving wrigglers and find new shelter for them. I’m afraid we got out of hand and some were unfortunately lost. 

FC: Omg! You won? That’s so great! Like, I feel sorry for the wigglers and stuff but you did what you had to do. How is Karcrab anyways?

GE: Sleeping in my office. 

FC: Hee~! Gamzee told me all about your childhood sweetheart. I found it so cute! Shame he ran away but!!! You finally have your matesprit again!

GE: Actually, we kind of flipped the switch. >:B

FC: 38D

FC: So… when will you be back?

GE: Probably a few days. There’s some resistance from the wrigglers to leave and few of my drones got hurt. I’m having Gamzee handle most of the medical shit. I’m kind of busy with Vantas.

GE: Oh btw, 2 other redbloods in the castle. Told the Condesce but figured you should know too.

FC: Reely? Wasn’t expecting that. Like, I know tons of redbloods have been running off the past few sweeps cause of Karcrab but I didn’t know any made it this far North, let alone so close to the capital. 38(

GE: Yup. And get this; one claims to be Karkat’s grub. They bred. Karkat and the other adult redblood bred and reproduced. We found at least two, one a teal and the other… IDK? He’s a redblood but he’s also a seadweller. I don’t even? Have you seen anything like it before? 

FC: …

GE: ?!?!?!!!!!1111111

FC: Bring him here. Let only Vriska tend to him. Can’t let anyone else know that a redblood seadweller has been found. It’ll confuse trolls.

GE: I know. It’s why I attacked now and didn’t wait until after your coronation. How is the plan going for that anyways?

FC: We’ll talk about that in person. The empress and I are on good terms. I admire her for trying to fix our species problems but I want to make progress and not just live to survive. For now, let’s focus on the fact Karkat’s home is now under empire control. Make sure all the wrigglers are safe and sent to their proper caste sanctuary for integration into society. 

GE: K. 

FC: I’ll see you later. Keep at it!

GE: Bluh. 

P.F.Cuttlefisher has closed the conversation box.

 

John wanted to say more, to tell Feferi just what was on his mind. He looked at Karkat again, just trying to sort his thoughts. He had Karkat, he should be happy. But the fact that the troll had two grubs and a matesprit… It hurt. He wanted Karkat only to himself. He had to separate them, keep Karkat away from his family. The blueblood knew the what and the how, yet… He felt a weight in his chest at the thought of making Karkat hurt in that way. He wanted Karkat’s loving bite, not a lash of anger and fear. He had to figure this out. He had thought he had wanted Karkat merely for the physical touch, the sting of sharp nails breaking his tough leathery skin. Yet here he was, lusting after so much more. He wanted to be Karkat’s kismesis for real.

***

The first thing Dave became aware of was the pain. Disoriented and lost as to where he was, he sat up abruptly only to find his ribs ached and it was strenuous to breathe. A hand went to clutch his injured abdomen, staring down at the stitches that decorated his stomach. The last thing he remembered was being back to back against Karkat and the next--pain and the dampness on his knees, the midnight dew clinging to his jeans. How everything had happened too fast and he could hear someone screaming his name.

He went to slide off the medical bed he was on only to find his legs felt too heavy and he flailed about like a fool, trying to keep himself from falling face first against the stone flooring. A hand grasped his arm before he met his fate of becoming a troll pancake and he froze. Bright red eyes locked onto an unfamiliar blue. They widened as he tried to pull away, only to be reminded of his injury. He choked out a whimper, not noticing the female troll moving towards him until her hands were on his shoulders. She forced him to lay back down on the metal table, pushing hard onto his chest until he was laying down.

If his head wasn’t so foggy, he would have fought her, but in this case, he just couldn’t. He was weak and tired and in so much pain. He waved a hand in her direction, trying to get her to leave him but to no avail, she just kept pushing him against the table until he gave up and just laid there.

The room smelled like blood. It hit him like a bullet, all at once, that the female troll in front of him was a mediculler. She was dressed in the uniform he had seen so many times in movies, documentaries and way too many episodes of Hive MD. Except this was no make believe doctor, no actor behind the white coat. This was the real thing and… Dave tried to pull away again, only to be reminded of how much pain he was in, hissing as his hand groped at his injured abdomen.

“Come now, the more you try and move the more you will hurt. You got hurt pretty badly, you’re lucky to be alive.” The woman spoke gently, her hands only leaving once he stopped fighting. What was the point? He was hurt and shaking and she was at prime health. He gave up and lay on the hard surface, simply watching her.

He wanted to say something, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to put his words in order. He couldn’t, he was unable to convert his thoughts into words. All that managed to escape was an exhausted mutter of what he could only explain as gibberish. The blueblood shook her head, sighing as she looked over the redblood.

“You need lots of rest to heal. Why, you might even have to skip breeding your next heat. No telling how bad that bullet messed up your body and seedflap.”

Those words were what drew Dave to a sharp realization of what had happened. He had been shot and this was the aftermath. Him in some mediculler holding cell and… it looked familiar, the troll realizing just where he was. They were in the castle still, it smelled of home and fire. The castle was… Dave grit his teeth together, claws digging into the palm of his hands. They lost. That was the only conclusion as to why he was staring at this woman. The pain he was experiencing was nothing compared to the anger he felt. These people, these mindless soldiers had destroyed his family and home.

Bright orange anger flashed through his eyes, standing up and rushing the woman. His abdomen throbbed in pain and he could feel the hot liquid leaking from between the stitches, but the redblood didn’t care. He was furious, anger like no other flooding every pore in his body.

“I couldn’t give a flying rat’s ass about my seedflap. It could be cut out and served as fucking dinner for all I care. No...what I care about right now is my family. What the fuck did you do?! Where are my wrigglers? Where’s my matesprit? How dare you…”

He saw the look of surprise on her face, it wasn't common for a redblood to be in tune with their rage. Still, once the moment passed and Dave was making his way to the door, the woman had grabbed something out of her coat pocket and acted faster than Dave could react. He was still weak from his injury and couldn't move away from her in time. He felt the sting of something sharp collide with the side of his arm and his grip loosened, free hand reaching for what struck him so harshly. A syringe, empty. Whatever had been in that glass tube was inside him now. He yanked at it, dropping it to the floor, doing his best not to collapse. He was really tired all of a sudden, and the last thing he remembered was falling to the side.

When he woke up again, it was in a different room, and this time, the bitter cold hit him instantly. He growled, trying to sit up only to find he had his entire body chained down and stripped of his clothes. The only fabric that graced his skin was the thick gauze around his middle. The front was coated in still wet blood; he had torn his stitches open based on what he was feeling. He tested the chain again only to find it had no give; he wasn’t even able to bend his elbow. A huff of frustration and he gave up, staring at the ceiling. The room was windowless, the chains were steel and when the door opened, it proved to be almost a foot thick, built more like the door to a safe than a room. They weren't taking chances it seemed. This was hopeless- they had lost and now they were in the clutches of the empire. Two trolls he hadn’t seen before came in, the same mediculler uniform as the troll he had attacked.

Dave glared at them, shaking in anger. One of them set down the tray he was carrying and assured him, "It's alright, you're safe. You're in the protective custody of Her Imperious Condescension herself!" He smiled brightly afterwards, as though he expected that to be a comfort.

"This is just a medical exam," the other troll said, perhaps more comfortingly. "We've been notified that you were hurt pretty bad in the scuffle. No worry, we’re just making sure you’re healing okay so you’ll be in tiptop shape for your next brood!" He approached brusquely, keying something into a control panel on the wall. The chains restraining Dave's legs pulled gradually tight, spreading them apart. It tore at his shoulders, Dave letting out a slight gasp as he tried to pull away with his arms, something he only had a microsecond to do before his arms were pulled back so he couldn't claw the doctor.

"Hold still." Moot point, given the chains. The doctor attached one device to Dave's stomach and then slid something metallic inside of him without so much as blinking. Everything inside Dave was public property as far as these doctors were concerned. No privacy, no asking if he wanted this. Just forced a cold metal device inside him. No need to be concerned for the redblood it seemed.

Dave hated how he couldn’t do anything in this situation, not even able to force his legs closed. The medicullers just kept moving the metal thing inside him for what felt like ages before pulling it out. He thought it was over before one of them grabbed something from a case, something Dave had never seen before. It looked kind of like a bulge yet at the end were folded up spikes and Dave’s eyes went wide as the doctors pulled his nook lips apart and shoved the thing inside him. He heard a click, felt some pain as well as something being injected into his nook walls.

“There, you’re all set. That should help your eggs form quicker despite your injury. After all, the empire is expecting a show with the fall of your silly little castle. Now then, let’s see how your injury is doing.” Dave’s eyes were watering at this point, the thing inside him was keeping his nook lips separate, exposing his insides. He wanted to push it out and squeezed his eyes shut, clamping his abdominal muscles down and trying to force it out. It didn’t budge. Instead, it dug deeper into his walls and stayed put.

The doctors didn’t even notice his struggle, just snipped one of the bandages around his middle and proceeded to unwrap him. His skin stung when it was all laid on the bed around him. Red eyes couldn’t help but glance down. His stomach had a huge line of stitches going from almost his left hip up to right under his chest. The doctors cleaned the irritated red skin with something that smelled like alcohol and stung like it too, keeping Dave’s wound clean.

“Need to make sure it doesn’t get infected. Don’t want to put your liberation from your misguided lifestyle at risk. You’ll see. You’re going to be so much happier once we get a brood growing in you.”

Dave bit his lip, glaring down at the doctors tending to his wound. They didn’t see him as a troll, just some redblooded slut that would do as they expected once he was in heat. This is what he ran away from, why he fought so hard to keep himself safe. To keep Kankri safe.

Kankri…

“Where’s my son?! Where are my grubs?!” He growled, trying to break free again. The trolls acted like they didn’t hear him, just worked on cleaning his body. They didn’t even care that he was in pain, that he didn’t want this. All they seemed to care about was his ability to breed, to continue the legacy of redblood enslavement as sex slaves. He was crying and shaking. One of the trolls dared to put a palm on his cheek, faking a concerned pap. It was like they were ignoring him, his need for his matesprit and wrigglers.

“You should be pretty excited, actually," The troll said cheerfully while the doctor got a syringe and filled it with some yellow liquid. "You're getting shipped straight to the capital! You'll get to see all kinds of new things. No grubby villages for you." The troll waved the rag around. "You're meant only for the best and highest of us all!"

"Mallek," the other offered pointedly. "Are you supposed to be speaking with the redblood?"

The one papping him stopped, looking at the the troll who was going over Dave’s charts. He sighed, returning to the task of cleaning Dave’s wound back up. "You'll breed well next time," he was assured. "We're getting you on the right supplements. You'll have a big, healthy clutch of eggs ready for fertilization once we reach the capital."

He didn't release the chains, pulling them tighter above Dave’s head. His arms grazed the pointed ends of his horns, leaving a bright white scratch against his arm. One of the trolls tutted, a cold cloth hand running over the line. “Looks like we have to dull your horns too, can’t have you hurting anyone or yourself, your eggs are far to important for that.”

Dave spat at them, growling angrily. They were treating him like he was just another walking bucket without any feelings, who had already been broken by the empire. He wasn’t and damn if he was ever going to be.

"Go fuck yourself." The redblood howled, trying to break free, hardly being able to move as the scent of blood filled the air. He was bleeding again and only then did the ceruleans pay attention to him, trying to calm Dave down as the went to stitch him back up again. They favored paying attention to his exposed nook once the bleeding was under control again. Dave tried fruitlessly to pull away only to find fingers lodged deep inside him, the medicullers not even pausing to clean their hands once they tended to Dave’s wound.

“Looks like the chastity plug is in place.” The fingers pulled out and Dave was feeling disgusted that some stranger was treating his body like meat. He just glared at them. The mediculler obviously didn’t understand why Dave was so upset, instead it looked like he thought Dave’s discomfort was just for the thing inside his nook, not the anger bubbling for so many reasons.

“For the heat," The cerulean mediculler said. "Once you start releasing pheromones, we don't want you breeding with every troll who comes in to check on you. Your clutch will be all highbloods."

Dave growled again, attempting futilely to shut his legs. He didn’t want this, he doubted any redblood did. He had escaped this destiny, so why now? He had been happy. He had his wriggler and his matesprit and--. He broke down crying, shoulders shaking. A cold hand patted his cheek.

“There there, no need to cry tears of joy. We’ll have you breeding in no time.” Dave started at the troll, unable to say a word. He didn’t have the gusto to tell her where to stick her ideas, instead he shut his eyes and tried to block out the fallout. The cup of freedom he had so briefly tasted was slapped out of his hands and thrown to the floor. He was to become just another nameless bucketdump and he hated it.

Before he had time to accept his fate, he felt a sting in his arm. Eyes went wide as he stared at the nameless mediculler injecting him with some pinkish liquid. She patted his arm, rubbing the swelling down as if that helped the horror of realizing he had been injected with some unknown substance.

“There, that should get your reproductive system rolling. We’ll have you laying in no time!” The smile was creepy, Dave noted, furrowing his brows in frustration. He didn’t know what to say, how could he? He didn’t want this and yet there was no escape. He was chained down, injected with glub knows what and forced to have some kind of metal device inside his nook.

He didn’t get a chance to further his thoughts, a spoon nudging his cheek. Food, or at least what smelled like it. Reluctantly, he ate. It was better than starving. When Dave failed to behave, his collar dragged around his neck, tilting his face up. The trolls used clamps to force his mouth open so he couldn't bite and they put a tube down his throat. He didn't taste their food, or their pills but they were delivered inside of him. His eyes were watering at this point, just wanting to be let go or wake up from this nightmare. This couldn’t be real.

Oh but it was. With Dave fed and examined, they released his chains so he'd be able to move a little and then departed. The door slammed shut and sealed, leaving him alone with nothing but his thoughts for company. He felt uncomfortable, the thing inside him hurt and when they had left and his limbs were free, he ran to the toilet in the corner of the room and plunged a finger down his throat, trying to force himself to puke. Nothing, he gagged at most and was left coughing, sliding down to the floor as his throat was run raw and his eyes watering. Once he had calmed down enough, he rinsed his hands, looking down at his nude form. He wanted whatever device was in him out.

He slid down to the floor, spreading his legs and pressing his back against the wall. His hand trailed down, plunging into his nook as he felt around, trying to find the device. There was a hook at the end and Dave curled two fingers around it, trying to yank it out. He hissed, panting as he felt it scrape against his skin as he tried to free the device. It was no use, it was going into the walls and wouldn’t budge without ripping something. He wondered if it was worth it but in the end, he couldn’t pull it out. The pain was too strong and he was left to reel in his own thoughts. There was no escaping this room and nothing he could do to prevent his eventual breeding. For the first time in sweeps, Dave Strider broke down crying in fear. He missed Karkat. He missed his home. But most of all, he missed his wrigglers.

He didn’t want to think about what they were doing to his son, let alone Terezi. Terezi was still in her cocoon and who knew what they would do to her. Dave wanted to get out of here but where was that exactly? This wasn't the castle anymore and the more he focused, the more he could feel it. The floor underneath him was shaking. He was on one of the airships flying towards the city, there could be no other explanation. This was it, his fate now lay in some nameless trolls hands. God.. He wished he knew where his matesprit was. Where his wrigglers were…

He hadn’t felt so powerless in a long time. Dave sat there shaking and fought back tears until it hurt.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Know I normally post images in chapters but.... this chapter, I really couldn't decide what to draw. Coulda drawn feferi/john talking but I don't want to reveal what she looks like just yet... and I could have drawn Dave crying but I didn't want to. Next chapter will be very short, since it is a gory chapter and I don't want to clump it together with plot. I need a nap. Also... I have now learned how to do chatlogs! Yaaaay? But seriously, there are only 3 chatlogs in this entire fic. This is just the first one. That being said, next chapter will not have a panel either because it is a chapter that I'm having trouble even writing due to the nature of that. One after that? Yes. Many arts. 
> 
> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)


	35. Duties of the Trade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kankri didn't know what to do. His parents were gone and so was Terezi. Worst day ever is putting it lightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for: Gore and child abuse.

Everything was confusing. The adult had left some time ago, leaving him to sit in the ruins of his home alone. Terezi was gone, taken even after he'd been told to protect her. Kankri pressed his hands back into his hot eyes, yet the tears still found their way past his fingers. He couldn't stop them from taking his sister, he couldn't stop himself from crying. He couldn’t even think past what his parents would do if they knew how much a failure he was. Karkat would boop his nose and talk in that serious tone he had when he got angry and his mother Dave would just give him that look that spoke volumes.

He was panicking, breathing rapidly as it got harder to think straight. He was overwhelmed, tears welling up his vision and thoughts pouring into his mind. They were a garbled mess. One moment he was worried about what the woman would do to him and the next, worried about his shoelaces being untied. He wanted to fix at least one of those things and grabbed each lace in hand, trying to imitate Karkat when he did it for him. The wriggler failed, trying time and again to tie the shoe only to fail over and over.

Eventually, he just gave up, pulling his shoes off roughly along with his socks and threw them across the room. One shoe hit the wall and clunked to the floor, startling the wriggler as he broke down in another fit of tears. This day was exhausting and he found himself rubbing his eyes. He was tired yet every part of his body was so full of energy he thought he would burst. He needed out. With stubborn determination, he stood up and stormed up to the door, pulling on the handle. It wouldn’t move more than a little bit to the left. Undeterred, he tried again, this time with both hands as he yanked as hard as his tiny little arms would let him. Nothing. He let go, pulling at his hair and letting his earfins flare out in frustration. He wanted out and this door was not listening. He shrieked, kicking the door with his foot, only regretting it seconds later as he fell on his butt and clutched his toes in pain. He really shouldn’t have done that without shoes.

Then again, it was his stupid shoelaces’ fault that he was barefoot. Even worse, it was this lady’s fault that he was even in this room to begin with. He was filled with a new determination and this time, he pounded on the door with both fists, screaming his head off as loud as he could until the sides of his hands hurt. The wriggler stood there, sniffling, breaking down in tears as he sat down and curled up, crying into his knees. This was no fair. If he was a big wriggler he wouldn't have this problem. He would be strong like his dad and the door would open just because. He cried until it hurt, sniffling as he glared at the door. Maybe the wood would feel sorry for him and give way for the worn out wriggler but he had a feeling it wouldn’t.

He wanted it to be yesterday. That day was a good day and he had control of what he did. He wasn’t stuck in some room when he didn’t want to be there. He wanted to crawl somewhere dark, cover his eyes and for everything to be happy again when he removed his hands. The only sounds that echoed in the stone chamber were his breathing and the crackling of the fireplace. Gray eyes turned towards the burning log, sliding off the chair he was sitting on and perching himself next to it. Reaching his hands out he sighed, shutting his eyes as he let the flames lick his fingertips and spread warmth through his body. His fingers were pink from the chilly air and the heat helped calm him down a bit. He wanted to drift away and fall asleep. Of course he couldn’t do that, not when an adult voice broke out over the silence followed by the sound of the sound of keys and a door unlocking.

The woman had returned with his sister, light instantly igniting in Kankri’s eyes as he bounded for the small tealblood. The small girl was hugging a towel against her body, purring as she rested her head underneath her brother’s chin. Kankri relaxed, knowing she was just given a bath to wash off her cocoon remnants. He smiled, near running towards her and hugging her. It was then he realized her eyes were still red. The scarring and such were gone, healed from her pupation.

“She’s still blind…” He wanted to cry, unsure why. Terezi had been blind as long as he could remember but he’d always dared to hope that would heal with her pupation. He was wrong, yet Terezi didn’t seem distraught about it. If anything, Kankri was the only one upset. Still, he couldn’t let his little sister know he was crying, holding her hands and forcing a smile. A smile that fell the moment he remembered she wouldn’t even know he was smiling. Regardless, she remained in his arms, muttering “Kanny” under her breath, recognizing the form of her older brother.

After some time, Kankri looked to the adult. “Can we go? I want to see my mom.” The blueblood shook her head, glancing at a strange redcased box in her hand.

“I’m afraid not kiddo.” Annoyance crossed her face and Kankri found himself squeezing his sister’s shoulder. He was scared, something felt off here, most of all when another adult came in and took Terezi. A growl escaped his throat, glaring at the woman. She just smiled, patting the worried wiggler’s head.

“She’ll be fine, just taking her somewhere else for a quick nap.” She forced herself to smile at Kankri, and he felt like she was mocking him. It pissed him off and he wasn’t quite sure where this anger was coming from. His head hurt and he wanted the woman to just get to the point.

“Tell me. You’re an adult, tell me instead of being a stupidhead and mocking me!” Kankri’s eyes felt hot and the woman’s smile faltered.

After what felt like an eternity, the mediculler turned towards the door. A shiver of fear instinctively went up his spine and he backed up a few steps. The action didn’t phase her, instead she reached out to him. He hesitated only a moment before reaching out and grasping the edge of her fingers, following her lead to the surgical table. Kankri squeezed her hand, looking up at her in confusion. She just gave him a reassuring smile before kneeling down and picking him up from the pit of his arms.

“Okay junior,” She pulled back, straightening out her jacket and turning towards the door. “I’ll be right back. Let Mama Vriska take care of you, okay?”

“I don’t want a mama-Vriska. I want my real mom!” He pouted, crossing his arms bitterly. Vriska just blinked a few times then shrugged.

“Okay then. Doctor Vriska it is. Now then. This nice little mediculler is going to be right back okay? You just wait right here and be a patient little patient.” Kankri nodded shyly, his legs swaying back and forth over the edge of the table as Vriska left. His nerves were still on edge and his fingers hurt from how hard he was holding onto the table. He was left to stew in his nerves until she returned, directing a silver cart of shiny and sharp instruments. He didn’t know what they were for and his fearful eyes locked on the blueblood’s. It was like all his fears were pushed to the back of his mind. Suddenly the sharp objects on the tray were just regular silverware and nothing to be scared of.

The woman pulled out a syringe from her coat pocket and before Kankri could flinch away, injected him with something. It hurt, pink tears welling up on the side of his eyes. The woman pressed her thumbs against his face and wiped away the tears before he even realized he was crying. The fear and rage waned from his body, his eyelids drooping down as he was filled with a sudden exhaustion. The only reason he didn’t fall back against the hard surface of the medical table was because the adult caught him before his head made contact with the sheet of metal. Gently, he was laid out on his back, breath slow and heavy. He was relaxed, unable to fight the woman’s arms off. Instinct dictated him when the woman lifted his legs and pulled his pants and underwear off. The cold air was unpleasant and he tried to twist his hips away. Her hands didn’t leave him, instead they slid up to his knees as she parted them.

.“St...sto...stop.” He found a word, one that was ignored as the woman gaze fell down the area between his legs. It was invasive and he didn’t like it. The feeling of weakness filled him as he tried to shut his legs only to fail.

“This is just a medical procedure, nothing bad will happen, it’ll just sting for a moment.” The woman spoke over him, acting like this was normal. “I’m just doing my job. It’s nothing personal.”

Even so, he didn’t want this to happen, he just wanted to reach for his sister, go with her and maybe find his parents. It wasn’t going to happen. His legs were lifted upwards with one hand as she finished examining his body before setting his legs back down.

She pulling a scalpel from a toolkit that was on the tray and Kankri stared at it, scared the woman was about to cut his stomach open or something. His breathing grew panicked, trying to lift his heavy arms towards the blueblood. It didn’t work, his arms felt heavy and it was all he could do to cover his eyes with his arm, letting out a scared sob.

The mediculler just spread his legs and lifted one, exposing the child’s nook. A gloved finger pushed up against it, feeling his still intact sheath. He didn’t like it, his leg twitching for a second when she pushed his nook lips apart. He wanted to yell at her to stop, find the rage he had felt before but it was like grasping at air. He couldn’t take hold of it. It was like something was forcing this weakness on him that he couldn’t fight back. He was still a wriggler and not as strong but at least when he wasn’t like this he didn’t feel bad about being so weak. All he could do was lay there and wait until it was over.

“Sorry, just doing my job.” The woman was repeating it like a mantra, one that felt like it would make Kankri’s ears bleed. He got it, she was just doing her _fucking_ job. He wanted her to shut up and just finish already. She had won this one sided fight and he just wanted his defeat over with.. It was then that Kankri was met with pain and the scent of blood. He wanted to scream, to attack the woman. He found himself in tears.

At least whatever she injected into him made the pain dull. It floated over his head, leaving him confused and scared. There was no reason she had to do this, job or not. She didn’t have to touch his body, make him feel like a doll that had no hand in their destiny. Even with the lack of pain, he could still feel the scalpel cutting away at his bonebulge. He whimpered at the undignifying sensation of his small bulge being forced out when the woman pushed her fingers into his now broken nook. The small boy was shaking and crying as she felt around inside, like she was looking for something.

“Hmmm.” Kankri didn’t know what that meant, just that he didn’t like the tone. He let his arm fall off his face and looked at her. The cold expression he had seen earlier was plastered on her face. He didn’t know how to express the panic he was feeling, just laying there as the woman pulled her fingers out and wiped the bright red blood off on a towel.

You should rest up. The medication should wear off in a few hours. You won’t be able to walk for a few days but after that? You’ll be on your way to fulfilling your destiny in no time.” She then grabbed some bandages from her toolkit and wrapped the area between Kankri's legs up with it, moving him like a ragdoll. After that, she left. Kankri was grateful that she was gone.

She couldn’t see him sob into his arms as he curled up. Even with the pain numb, he could still see the bright red that stained the bandages. He didn’t understand what just happened. All he knew was that he was in pain and wanted to sleep, forget about this reality and dream.

 

***

 

Vriska kept looking at her notes, concern apparent on her face. She kept having to tell herself she was just doing her job, detach herself from the situation. Still, the look of distress on the child’s face as she performed her duty haunted her mind. It wasn’t anything personal so why did it bother her so much? She ran a hand through her hair, getting stuck in her bun. A frustrated groan later, she went and took her hair down, eyes shut. The image that fillered her mind was the pure terror on Kankri’s face. It bothered her. Her _JOB_ bothered her. But what choice did she have?

It was either do her job or be branded a traitor and be stripped of her rights as a troll. In the olden days, not doing one’s duty was grounds for culling. But now? A lifetime of punishment awaited. She only did what she did because it was her job. A ping from her computer pulled her out of her thoughts, the woman crossing the room and picking up her device.

 

Gen_J.Egbert started a conversation with  V_McCullerpants

Vriska waited what felt like hours for John to say something, tapping the screen a few times impatiently with her thumb. John always was one for dramatic pauses and Vriska grew tired of it within minutes. Swiping her screen, she hit the green troll icon to call the ever absent minded brother of hers. John made the mistake to pick up.

“Get to it Egderp!” She growled into the phone, crossing her arms as she pretended John could see the frustration on her face. He obviously could not, this was a trollian call after all and visual communication was spotty at best.

“Rude. Point is, did you do the thing?” John’s voice crackled with static, Vriska having to peel her ear away from the phone for a moment. Not only was his voice irritating, the troll himself was irritating. Still, she had to put up with it.

“What thing?”

“The thing where you figure out what to do with the wrigglers. Did you examine them?”

“Oh, yeah of course I did! You’ve got to be a dumbass if you think I didn’t do my job.” Vriska tapped her fingers on her phone, shifting through her medical notes on the wrigglers. They were hard to read and mostly illegible. It was one of the faults of a mediculler’s handwriting, no one but them could decipher it. It was like a secret code and those were pretty cool. It was like looking for a treasure map in a game of LARP, except medical notes were not a game.

John sighed into his phone and Vriska groaned in annoyance. “And?” One simple word and yet it had so many meanings. Vriska didn’t answer right away and he spoke again. “ Did you figure out if the fishbreath is a breeder? Or his sister?”

Vriska scoffed in annoyance. Of course she had understood his meaning first time around, she just liked to be difficult when it came to dealing with her brother. “Ohhhhhhhh, right. Yeah, Terezi is a perfectly healthy little tealblooded brat. She’s just blind.”

“Just blind, yeah okay. You act like that’s saying she has four toes or something.” John chuckled into the phone causing Vriska to roll her eyes. Not that he knew that or anything.

“No, she doesn’t but if you keep asking stupid questions you might!” An empty threat at most. “Are you done yet? I need to know, because unlike you, I actually have important things to do. Lots of irons, very small and few fires.”

John took a moment before speaking again. “Yes.” Vriska was about to hang up when, “Wait no!”

“Yes brother dearest?” She batted her eyelids as if she was speaking to him in person.

“The redblooded wriggler?”

“He’s a breeder with fins. Boring, next question.” Vriska looked over her notes from Kankri’s examination. It wasn’t far from it. His seedflap was a bit smaller than expected but nothing time wouldn’t fix. “What do you want me to do with them?”

“Both of em? Obviously send Terezi to the teal caste centers. As for the redblood…” John trailed off as if thinking.

“To the redblood training facility?” Vriska asked.

“No. Take him with us.” John hummed. “Actually, take Terezi too. I have a feeling she’ll be useful in the future.”

Vriska groaned. John was so exasperating sometimes. “Ugh, fiiiiiiiine. I wish you’d make up your damn mind and stop changing it every eight seconds.” It took her a second to realize that the main airship had already left. “Wait. Didn’t you leave already? How am I going to get to the capital when your ship has already sailed?”

John let out a sound that sounded too much like a raspberry. “Take the next one. I’m sure it’s not that hard for someone of your caliber.

“Bluh. You’re literally the worst brother to ever exist.”

“Love you too.” He hung up and Vriska spent a moment staring at her phone. John was always a pain in the ass to talk to. Still, she had things to do, irons in the fire and all. Vriska sighed, finally untangling her hand from her hair before crossing the room. If John wanted her to take the wrigglers with them, fine. She could do that. She returned to the room where Terezi was sitting on the floor playing with some cubes that she couldn’t even see and walked up to the wriggler, tapping her shoulder.

“Time to go little one.” The wriggler stopped moving, placing the cube between her legs before looking in Vriska’s general direction. At least the child wasn’t deaf along with being blind. Vriska squatted down, taking the girl’s hand and led her towards the room where Kankri now slept. She needed to tend to the red stain between his legs and then take him to the ship. Hopefully, John wouldn’t get to the city that much earlier than her. She went to let go of Terezi’s hand only to feel small fingers squeeze. Terezi whined and Vriska couldn’t help but give a small exasperated smile.

“Wait here.” The girl loosened her grip and Vriska made her way to Kankri. A mediculler was always loyal to their patients and Vriska was no different. She just hoped John knew what he was doing bringing these two along to the capital with him instead of sending them where they were meant to go.

 

***

 

When Kankri awake next, he had a large pillow behind his back keeping him upright. The wriggler groaned, pulling at the blanket to cover himself with, curling up only to freeze when a sting of pain erupted from between his thighs up to his ribcage. The child winced, forcing the blanket off him and staring down between his legs. It was covered in gauze, thick to the point that only a faint droplet of bright red blood had soaked through.  
He had no idea where it came from, pushing the gauze down to his knees. It was when he came face to face with his swollen nook he realized that today hadn’t just been a nightmare. It was overwhelming and the wriggler couldn’t help but sniffle, a new bout of tears erupting from his eyes. He cried for what felt like hours, ignored and forgotten. No one would answer his cries, no one cared. It was only after he exhausted himself did he realize the floor was shaking. There was a window on one side of the room and he stood to walk over to it, gasping in pain as he slowly made his way through the room and to the window. He was shocked to say the least when he looked out.

They were flying. This one day had changed everything and Kankri didn’t know where to go from here. Curling up on the floor hugging his knees like that would do anything. He just wanted his mom and for things to go back to the way they were.

“Mama…” Kankri whispered. No one was there to answer.

 

***End Part 3***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See _posts_ about nhea/image only posts here: [X](http://rainekitty.tumblr.com/tagged/nheafic)  
>  Playlist: [X](https://soundcloud.com/rainekitty)  
> We have a website now! [Click here!](https://pochte.wixsite.com/nheabase/)  
> I lied. There are panels to this chapter. Look at baby Kanny! He looks just like his dad at that age.. you know, +gills. I feel so sorry for the kid. I actually cried writing this chapter.  
> Next few chapters will take a while, I need to come up with designs for a few characters plus this arc is really hard to get through cause so much happens. So very much.


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